Opinions for best punishent

[ksr5377]

*punishment*

My 5yo received a small trampoline for Christmas from good family friends. It has the safety net around it so it was set up in the basement. Yesterday she decided she wanted it to have "windows" and proceeded to cut a few into the net while I was working with her siblings. As part of her punishment DH wants her to write an apology to our friends for not taking care of the gift they gave her and personally deliver it. On one hand, I think this will make a big impact. On the other, it could be ridiculousy humiliating and cause discomfort to our friends. If she had been trying to ruin/break/destroy the trampoline I would be more upset. She really just wanted it to have windows. She was very excited and came to tell me about it when she was done, did not try to hide it in any way. Because of this, I know she didn't realize it was something wrong.

Any ideas?

Edited February 15, 2012 by ksr5377

[simka2]

I would not "punish" a 5 yr old for that.

[bettyandbob]

I agree with you.

 

I would say she couldn't use it until you had time to repair it. Perhaps when you have time, she needs to go along on the errands to get the materials to repair and participate in repair it as much as a 5 year old can.

[bkpan]

IMO. since you used the word punishment in your subject line, and what you describe is childish behavior, not willful disobedience, I would go with you Mom. Your dd was not trying to ruin the net as you said, it would be counter-productive to humiliate her and maybe your friends.

 

Childish behavior needs mom and dad coming along side, helping her to fix the net as best as she can, and using this as a teachable moment.

 

Kim

[TXBeth]

My 5yo received a small trampoline for Christmas from good family friends. It has the safety net around it so it was set up in the basement. Yesterday she decided she wanted it to have "windows" and proceeded to cut a few into the net while I was working with her siblings. As part of her punishment DH wants her to write an apology to our friends for not taking care of the gift they gave her and personally deliver it. On one hand, I think this will make a big impact. On the other, it could be ridiculousy humiliating and cause discomfort to our friends. If she had been trying to ruin/break/destroy the trampoline I would be more upset. She really just wanted it to have windows. She was very excited and came to tell me about it when she was done, did not try to hide it in any way. Because of this, I know she didn't realize it was something wrong.

Any ideas?

 

I think there is no need for a punishment in this case. She didn't know it was wrong; now she knows. Problem solved. Unless, of course, she is not allowed to get scissors without asking, in which case I would give a consequence for that. As far as natural consequences go, I would say she has shown she isn't maure enough for access to scissors, or for unsupervised basement time, or whatever you feel is appropriate. I might also have her pay part of a replacement. Et if she gets an allowance, but maybe not. I definitely would not require a letter to the friend. Needlessly humiliating and frankly, what she does wih the gift after it is given is none of their business. It's a gift, not a loan. I would treat the whole thing as a learning experience and tell her she needs to ask first next time. My DH on the other hand would be pissed about the damage and would be assigning major punishments. We are working on getting on the same page.

[Guest submarines]

I wouldn't punish.

 

An apology to the gift givers is not appropriate, anyway. When we give gifts, it is unconditionally, with no strings attached. You'd want to model this to your DD, wouldn't you?

[*********]

I don't see where she needs to be punished. She didn't realize she did anything wrong. You know, because she's 5. And like you said, you could tell by the fact that she didn't try to hide it.

 

Punishing for things that children do that they didn't realize were wrong is not a good way to build a good parent/child relationship, IMO and IME.

[Moxie]

Our rule is "scissors are only for paper". I might punish her for using scissors without asking but it would just be a scolding and a reminder that we only cut paper. Then I would put the scissors out of reach.

[ksr5377]

Thank you for your opinions/advice. I think sometimes I just don't feel confident enough in my opinions. I know I am the softie, so sometimes I worry that maybe I just don't want to see them upset, you know? Obviously she will not be allowed to use scissors unsupervised for awhile. But other than that, as most of you have said, since she wasn't purposefully being disobedient, I'm letting it go. I'm sure someday I'll be wishing to be back in the days when my big concern was what to do about windows in the trampoline :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

The natural consequences of that would be helping to repair it or to do some chores to help pay for a new net or probably the best one for a 5 year old would be to not be able to use the trampoline until a new net is bought and installed.

 

In my mind, the letter would be inappropriate (but not abusive or anything!) for two reasons: the act was not deliberate and you're bringing in the giver of the gift into this when I don't see what they have to do with this. If I received a letter and apology like that I would be uncomfortable and would not know how to respond. Do I say "Oh, that's ok, honey. I'm sure you didn't mean it."- thus possibly negating the lesson that the parents want taught? Or do I say "That was a naughty thing to do. Please don't use scissors like that again" where I feel like somehow I'm having to do the parent's job of enforcing their rules. (Your friends might not respond like that, of course and might be perfectly with it.)

[swellmomma]

I would not "punish" a 5 yr old for that.

 

:iagree:She is 5. SHe was left unattended. She did something foolish but I do not think it was with malice and foresight to it being naughty. At 5 it makes perfect sense to make windows in the net. If anyone should be punished it is mommy for not supervising (I am NOT saying you did something wrong, or should be punished, I am just making a point)

[Harriet Vane]

The letter is inappropriate.

[Abigail4476]

The letter is inappropriate.

 

:iagree:

 

There was no disrespect to the gift givers intended. It was childish behavior, which calls for apprisal of better choices; not punishment.

 

Children don't always think through the consequences of their actions, nor do they set out to be intentionally destructive even when it turns out that way. Check into the cost of a new safety net, and let her contribute to repairs or SOME of the cost of replacement. Congenially. Not in "punishment" mode.

 

The friends who gave her this trampoline have nothing whatsoever to do with the situation and shouldn't be involved.

 

Personally, I would just say something like, "Oh, no...there are holes in the net. Now it won't protect you when you jump! We'll have to replace it, and you won't be able to use the trampoline until it's replaced." Then wait a few weeks before replacing the net. That's a natural consequence--and a more reasonable one.

[In the Rain]

If she has had issues with scissors before, I'd give a consequence for cutting inappropriately. I would not involve the friends. It could be very uncomfortable for them.

[Parrothead]

Our rule is "scissors are only for paper". I might punish her for using scissors without asking but it would just be a scolding and a reminder that we only cut paper. Then I would put the scissors out of reach.

:iagree: This. Exactly this. The way I see it, what happened was more the fault of you and dh for having scissors where a 5-year old could get to them unsupervised on a trampoline of all place. The "what could have happends" make me shuddar.

[Unicorn.]

I would have a long talk w/ her about the dangers of having scissors on/near the trampoline. I would talk to her about why there is a safety net, and why it wasn't a good idea. I would get some yarn, and teach her how to patch those windows! Then I would give her a big hug and tell her not to use scissors ever, without permission!

[fairfarmhand]

The natural consequences of that would be helping to repair it or to do some chores to help pay for a new net or probably the best one for a 5 year old would be to not be able to use the trampoline until a new net is bought and installed.

In my mind, the letter would be inappropriate (but not abusive or anything!) for two reasons: the act was not deliberate and you're bringing in the giver of the gift into this when I don't see what they have to do with this. If I received a letter and apology like that I would be uncomfortable and would not know how to respond. Do I say "Oh, that's ok, honey. I'm sure you didn't mean it."- thus possibly negating the lesson that the parents want taught? Or do I say "That was a naughty thing to do. Please don't use scissors like that again" where I feel like somehow I'm having to do the parent's job of enforcing their rules. (Your friends might not respond like that, of course and might be perfectly with it.)

:iagree: Don't pull your friends into this. I would be really embarrassed to get a letter.

[Abigail4476]

:iagree: This. Exactly this. The way I see it, what happened was more the fault of you and dh for having scissors where a 5-year old could get to them unsupervised on a trampoline of all place. The "what could have happends" make me shuddar.

 

Yes, THAT part is very scary. :001_huh: The potential for *landing* on a pair of scissors should be the focus for this problem. Not those dratted holes in the net.

[Parrothead]

Yes, THAT part is very scary. :001_huh: The potential for *landing* on a pair of scissors should be the focus for this problem. Not those dratted holes in the net.

We are following each other around and agreeing. :D

[Abigail4476]

We are following each other around and agreeing. :D

 

:tongue_smilie:

[Gentlemommy]

I think you should have dh write a letter to the friends apologizing for not supervising his young child better. ;) Just kidding of course, but in all honesty, the fault lies with the adults in this case...a five year old is very young to be left alone in a basement/room. I do feel your frustration though, they seem so big, and capable of understanding...it's the impulse control and foresight they lack lol.

Could your dd use a big quilting needle and some embroidery floss to "sew" the holes? I would also put the scissors up high, with the caveat that she can have them anytime, just ask an adult to get them. That way you'll know when/where she has them. I wouldn't do anything more than that.

[J-rap]

I would not involve your friends, and I would not give "punishment." I'd definitely sit down with her and explain why it was wrong. I'd probably tell her that she needs to always ask before she uses scissors, and I'd make sure the scissors were where she couldn't reach them.

 

When our daughter was about that age, she cut her seat belt in half in the car. To her, it solved all the problems, and it was fascinating (for her) to watch the fabric give way to the scissors. It was of course wrong, but I felt really foolish for having left the scissors out. From then on, we had the rule that she couldn't use scissors without asking, and I was more careful. We laugh now, because she was probably 12 by the time she got out of the habit of asking permission to use scissors.

[Slone07]

I'm all about accountability and consequences, but the letter and involvement of friends/gift givers doesn't fit the situation. She's five, was left unattended with scissors, doesn't seem to have done this with any sort of malicious intent... I would definitely sit her down with both you and DH (always makes more impact when both parents are there and on the same page), give her a very serious talk about scissors, put the scissors up and away (possibly removal of scissor privileges for a few days, too), and tell her that she simply can't use the trampoline until the net is replaced because it's not safe. And, like someone else mentioned, let it take a few weeks. Natural consequences.

 

She needs to know that this was a serious thing with several safety issues, but she really needn't be treated like a juvenile delinquent (so to speak). Writing a letter and interaction with the gift giver is something I might do for repeated offenses or malicious intent (with a heads up to the gift giver - no surprises that may stress the friendship).

[sassenach]

I think the only punishment she needs is the natural consequence of no longer being able to use the trampoline (because a trampoline without a net is unusable IMO). Writing a letter is over the top.

[Peaceful Isle]

I know my kids did a lot of things "without thinking", and still do.;)

It doesn't sound like your child was trying to be outright disobedient. She just wanted to change things up a bit. :D

[Laurie4b]

I was punished for doing something totally innocently as a child and it left a huge impression--a very painful one. It was totally inappropriate and uncalled for by my parents. It happened while a babysitter was there providing inappropriate supervision. I mixed together some cleanser and some dishwashing soap, etc. A drop or two spilled on the counter and bleached it. I had no idea I was doing anything wrong. Yes, it was dangerous. They could have just told me so, but instead, I got a humiliating punishment.

 

You are totally right, that an apology note would not only embarrass your daughter, but your friends.

 

Don't punish for childish mistakes.

[Catwoman]

Thank you for your opinions/advice. I think sometimes I just don't feel confident enough in my opinions. I know I am the softie, so sometimes I worry that maybe I just don't want to see them upset, you know? Obviously she will not be allowed to use scissors unsupervised for awhile. But other than that, as most of you have said, since she wasn't purposefully being disobedient, I'm letting it go. I'm sure someday I'll be wishing to be back in the days when my big concern was what to do about windows in the trampoline :)

 

I'm glad to hear you won't be punishing her. I don't think she deserved it at all... although we might have to punish you for leaving her alone on the trampoline with scissors for long enough to "redecorate" it with windows... ;)

[SpecialClassical]

I agree, childishness does not require punishment. She was excited to show you her handiwork!

 

I must say I don't think you did anything wrong by letting her play alone. I'm assuming the basement is generally safe, maybe finished or she wouldn't have been down there. And I'll bet you didn't know she had scissors. I could see a kid accomplishing that feat with safety scissors. Kids are so resourceful!

[MomatHWTK]

*punishment*

On the other, it could be ridiculousy humiliating and cause discomfort to our friends. Any ideas?

:iagree:

[regentrude]

I would not "punish" a 5 yr old for that.

:iagree:

She did not intentionally destroy something. She behaved age appropriately.

[Starr]

I did make my then 4 year old pay $1.00 of his money to a friend when he broke his window hitting a ball with a tennis racket. In that case I knew he was too young but needed to make it clear about balls and windows. In this case I wouldn't drag your friends into the situation. I agree with not using it until it is replaced.

[Little Nyssa]

I think a letter would hurt the friends' feelings very much.

Having DD help you fix the netting, and stay off it for a day or two, would be enough punishment if you ask me.

[happi duck]

I wouldn't punish.

 

An apology to the gift givers is not appropriate, anyway. When we give gifts, it is unconditionally, with no strings attached. You'd want to model this to your DD, wouldn't you?

 

:iagree:

 

and I know I wouldn't want to be dragged in to the situation if I was the gift-giver.

[Sevilla]

She was being childish , not willfully rebellious/destructive. IT's the same thing as a child cutting the hair on their Barbie Doll - she didn't realize it was a wrong thing to do and even came to tell you about it. I would not punish her, I would try to help her learn the consequences of her actions and brainstorm about how to fix it (can youg et more netting to sew over the holes?)

[NanceXToo]

Did your husband agree to back off on that idea? I know I would feel awkward about getting such a letter if I were the friend, I agree she shouldn't have to do that. If she had done it in a fit of anger, intentionally trying to destroy property, that would be different story, but that wasn't the case here. She saw it as "decorating" something of hers and obviously didn't realize the safety issues or that she was doing something wrong, and obviously it never would have crossed your mind to say, "hey, by the way, don't attempt to put windows in your trampoline netting..." some object lessons are just learned through trial and error and all you can do is discuss them as they come up and discussion really is enough. Now if she did something like that a second time after you'd discuss it, then that would warrant some sort of punishment, because THEN she knew better and did it anyway. But this time the natural consequence is just not being able to use her new item until you have a chance to make it safe again. And maybe she can help with that, and you can explain the situation to her, and I think that's all it will take for now.

[ktgrok]

I see no point in punishing a child if they didn't know what they did was wrong. Perhaps not getting to use it because it is no longer safe is the best thing to do.

[kalanamak]

The letter is inappropriate.

 

:iagree: I would be uncomfortable getting such a letter, too. Don't punish them, too!!

[Kathryn]

My 6yo popped his bicycle tire with a tack from his bulletin board because he wanted to see what would happen. Natural consequence: he didn't get to ride his bike until we had time to take it to the repair shop where HE paid for the repair (handed over the money to the clerk from his wallet and all) from his Christmas money.

[TammyinTN]

I wouldn't punish.

 

An apology to the gift givers is not appropriate, anyway. When we give gifts, it is unconditionally, with no strings attached. You'd want to model this to your DD, wouldn't you?

 

Exactly.