No good title.

[Miss Peregrine]

Hmmm.

 

Would you go out to dinner regularly with someone who took no ownership over their diabetes, doesn't test, and uses the out-to-dinner as an excuse to overindulge? When forced to test, numbers are high.

 

There really is no good way to ask this question. :confused:

[jallison25]

sure. would i be happy about their choices, no of course not. But assuming they were a mentally capable adult, i would think they were able to make their own decisions. I might gently broach the subject at another time. But that doesn't seem to be a reason not to see the person if you are close to them?

[kdeno]

i would still go out with them.

[QuirkyKapers]

Yes- we had an older friend that would even say, "I probably shouldn't eat this because of my sugar" and still did. I know at home he was much better. However, not always. We could tell when his sugar was out of whack because he would get mean.

[kalanamak]

If itwas my spouse, it would be tough, however. I'd ask for more life insurance with every meal. ;)

[amy g.]

Honestly, I don't attempt to parent other adults.

 

I would go out to eat with them, and consider what they ate none of my beeswax.

[bcnlvr]

I would.

 

It's a long story, but my oldest dss has type 1 (dx at age 13) and lived with his mom until he was 18. Now he is on his own and just like the person the op describes. He is already having sequelae related to his mismanagement.

 

I love him to pieces but fear that I am also going to bury him one day. I have to practice love, tolerance, and detachment with him now. :confused:

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Hmmm.

 

Would you go out to dinner regularly with someone who took no ownership over their diabetes, doesn't test, and uses the out-to-dinner as an excuse to overindulge? When forced to test, numbers are high.

 

There really is no good way to ask this question. :confused:

 

I don't think I could go out regularly, anymore than I'd want to go out often with someone who can be counted on to drink too much.

 

Once in awhile, yes, but I would feel like an enabler if they started to see me as an eating buddy or drinking buddy because I was always willing to go along and watch them hurt themselves.

 

I wouldn't say anything about it but I'd try to look for other activities to do with that person so that eating out wasn't the focal point of our time together.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes. Their decision as an adult does not affect me the way that getting drunk would or drunk driving or even being exposed to second hand smoke. I would also go eat with a kidney patient who is eating a high salt diet (they shouldn't) or a heart patient who is eating a high fat meal.

[elegantlion]

Yes.

[Unicorn.]

Yes. If you enjoy spending time w/ that person, then go. If it really bothers you, then you have two choices;

1. don't go. no explanation.

2. Tell them why you won't go, and don't go.

[justasque]

Can you choose better restaurants?

Something like sushi with brown rice, or some other healthy-ish meal?

And blame it on your own desire to make healthy choices?

It could be quite the adventure!

 

I also like a pp's suggestion to find other going-out activities - perhaps line dancing or something physical like that?

[Laurie4b]

Unless it's my spouse, none of my business. If it's my spouse, I comment on choices. (Like, "I get really frustrated when you order the Po Boy breakfast with eggs, high fat meats, and hash browns because I want you around longer." ) Choices have gotten much better over time.

 

There seems to be emerging research that the choices of our friends influence us. So if you go out with the person, underindulge yourself. ;)

[Murphy101]

Yes.

 

If spouse or minor child, maybe a couple times. And if I saw a concerning pattern, I'd have to sit them down for some tough words.

 

That said, my dh NEVER tests or injected in front of people. And absolutely never at the table. However, he would in the van before we entered or as soon as we left.

[LAS in LA]

Yes. Their decision as an adult does not affect me the way that getting drunk would or drunk driving . . .

 

Could it theoretically be a problem if the diabetic were the driver? [i'm remembering a lady from our previous church who was diabetic and pulled out in front of a truck during some kind of diabetic 'episode'.] Maybe it wouldn't be a problem after the meal?

[RoughCollie]

First, I would not get involved in the drama engendered by a person who has a very serious illness and refuses to take basic care of himself or herself.

 

Second, I do not want to be anyone's second mother.

 

So, no. Not counting my spouse and kids, of course. I don't need more worries than I already have, and I would worry.

Edited December 5, 2011 by RoughCollie

[Jean in Newcastle]

Could it theoretically be a problem if the diabetic were the driver? [i'm remembering a lady from our previous church who was diabetic and pulled out in front of a truck during some kind of diabetic 'episode'.] Maybe it wouldn't be a problem after the meal?

 

Diabetic sites I've gone to warn of not driving if your blood sugar is too LOW. Most of the damage done from high blood sugar is over time and results in damaged organs, infections etc. Most of the time it isn't the kind of thing that would cause someone to keel over.

[LAS in LA]

Thanks, Jean

[Murphy101]

Diabetic sites I've gone to warn of not driving if your blood sugar is too LOW. Most of the damage done from high blood sugar is over time and results in damaged organs, infections etc. Most of the time it isn't the kind of thing that would cause someone to keel over.

 

Yes. LOW blood sugar resulting in vehicular accidents can cause them to loose their license until they can get a doctor write off saying they have their sugars more maintained.

[Cindyg]

Hmmm.

 

Would you go out to dinner regularly with someone who took no ownership over their diabetes, doesn't test, and uses the out-to-dinner as an excuse to overindulge? When forced to test, numbers are high.

 

Regularly, once a month? Sure. Regularly, five days a week? No.

 

Do you order healthy food when you go out? I'm not saying it's your fault that he/she eats poorly, but perhaps you could model how to enjoy a healthy choice. Perhaps you could say, "Let me help you find something legal." Perhaps you could joke about "suffering" together to eat healthily. (Depending on your relationship, of course. A lot of times it's best not to say anything.)

 

If itwas my spouse, it would be tough, however. I'd ask for more life insurance with every meal. ;)

 

I know you're joking (and it's not your spouse); but it is unlikely that this person would qualify for affordable life insurance. At all.

[Jana]

Not if it really bothered me, it would interfere with my ability to be present with them.

 

There are plenty of ways to be with people that don't involve eating or trying to parent another adult. I'd just change the venue to free-up my ability to pay attention in the ways that nurtured the relationship.

[Miss Peregrine]

I am reading all the responses and thinking about them. Keep them coming. I want to give more info tomorrow when I am not on my iPad. Too tedious to type.

[Audrey]

If I really cared about this person, I would probably try to choose restaurants with better, more diabetic-friendly options and then make healthy choices myself. It's awfully hard to make healthy choices when your dining partner is overindulging, so I'd try to make it easier on them.

 

If it became something that really concerned me, I think I would have to tell them that I am concerned, and ask how can I help them keep on track while we are dining out together.

[Miss Peregrine]

Okay. The person is my DH. Going out to dinner regularly is every 3-4 weeks.

 

The last time we went all he talked about was what he was going to have. He ate an enormous amount of food. I made him test later and it was over 350. I told him that I would not be going out to dinner with him again until his blood sugar was under control. That means taking meds regularly, exercising and choosing the right foods.

 

He asked me to go out last night and I stuck with what I said. He was not happy at all. I feel like I am being a shrew about it by forcing his hand.

 

I have turned into his parent in health management and I don't really like it. But what if it works? I don't think I could just sit by and watch him deteriorate because its his body. There are other details I could include but I don't want this to get deleted. I am really torn on how to proceed.

[melissel]

Okay. The person is my DH. Going out to dinner regularly is every 3-4 weeks.

 

The last time we went all he talked about was what he was going to have. He ate an enormous amount of food. I made him test later and it was over 350. I told him that I would not be going out to dinner with him again until his blood sugar was under control. That means taking meds regularly, exercising and choosing the right foods.

 

He asked me to go out last night and I stuck with what I said. He was not happy at all. I feel like I am being a shrew about it by forcing his hand.

 

I have turned into his parent in health management and I don't really like it. But what if it works? I don't think I could just sit by and watch him deteriorate because its his body. There are other details I could include but I don't want this to get deleted. I am really torn on how to proceed.

 

:grouphug: That's a tough one. My answer to the question as originally asked was yes, but if it were my DH, then no, I don't think I could. Is he willing to be more careful about his insulin use if he's going to eat like that? I know my cousin eats what she wants on special occasions but monitors her sugars and injects insulin accordingly. She manages her Type 1 very well.

[Miss Peregrine]

 

I wouldn't say anything about it but I'd try to look for other activities to do with that person so that eating out wasn't the focal point of our time together.

 

That is a good idea. And what I suggested last night. Eat the dinner I had already made and then go to a movie. He was too mad.

Edited December 5, 2011 by Miss Peregrine

[Miss Peregrine]

Can you choose better restaurants?

Something like sushi with brown rice, or some other healthy-ish meal?

And blame it on your own desire to make healthy choices?

It could be quite the adventure!

 

I also like a pp's suggestion to find other going-out activities - perhaps line dancing or something physical like that?

It is hard where we live but yes, we could be more adventurous.

 

Unless it's my spouse, none of my business. If it's my spouse, I comment on choices. (Like, "I get really frustrated when you order the Po Boy breakfast with eggs, high fat meats, and hash browns because I want you around longer." ) Choices have gotten much better over time.

 

There seems to be emerging research that the choices of our friends influence us. So if you go out with the person, underindulge yourself. ;)

I have tried that. It seems to put a damper on our date! :tongue_smilie:

Yes.

 

If spouse or minor child, maybe a couple times. And if I saw a concerning pattern, I'd have to sit them down for some tough words.

 

That said, my dh NEVER tests or injected in front of people. And absolutely never at the table. However, he would in the van before we entered or as soon as we left.

Tough words. Yes, we've had those, LOL

Regularly, once a month? Sure. Regularly, five days a week? No.

 

Do you order healthy food when you go out? I'm not saying it's your fault that he/she eats poorly, but perhaps you could model how to enjoy a healthy choice. Perhaps you could say, "Let me help you find something legal." Perhaps you could joke about "suffering" together to eat healthily. (Depending on your relationship, of course. A lot of times it's best not to say anything.)

 

 

 

I know you're joking (and it's not your spouse); but it is unlikely that this person would qualify for affordable life insurance. At all.

 

I do order "healthy" food. Healthy being relative since it is a restaurant. ;) But, yeah, I do.

 

He wouldn't like the suggestion to find something legal since he views eating out as a treat, a reason to go crazy.

[jennsmile]

I think even when you go out with him you both eat sensible. Save the indulgent, eat whatever, when you aren't around him.

 

Can you split a meal or share a few bites of something that he wants to have but doesn't need a whole serving just a taste? There are healthy options out there at most eating places if you are picky. Genghis grill comes to mind as a place that has brown rice and would offer variety.

 

I don't know you financial situation but DH once has a secretary that ate out so much that it was her whole paycheck. So maybe say this is our eating out budget for the month. And then be picky about where you go.

[Hwin]

I would not enable my husband to make choices that are killing him; I'm sorry you're in this situation. My husband has a weight problem and while he is not (yet) diabetic, I am always walking that fine line of trying to help him make healthy choices without being his mom. I want us to have a long and happy life together.

 

My mom had gastric bypass to get her diabetes under control, which it now is, and says often that she wishes my dad had been more vocal in encouraging her to eat healthy. (But as someone who was there when she was NOT eating healthy... um, there is no way she would have shown him any appreciation for that LOL)

[Cindyg]

Yeah, I get it. He wants to induldge, have a night out, splurge. This is scary to you. Or irresponsible. It's no different than somebody who's in debt having a spending spree.

 

The resolve to fix this is almost going to have to come from within himself. You're not going to be able to "nag" or cajole him into it. (I put "nag" in quotes, because I don't think you're unreasonable.) And, yet, you're not going to feel comfortable or safe -- and certainly not festive! -- while he's doing this. (Not much of a date night.)

 

I'm so sorry.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Dh is diabetic. I am pre-diabetic. I've posted in the past about some issues with diabetes - in dh's case with extremely low blood sugars - and got some good advice. The best advice I got was that he needed good solid medical information on what different choices does to your body and how to make better choices. There is tons of good information on the internet. Our doctor will also send you to a dietician/nutritionist for advice if you want it. I would suggest that he learns exactly what happens to his body when his blood sugar hits the mid 300's. Then I would get information on how to still make eating out special with good choices.

[Elizabeth in MN]

Mmmmm, no. I won't sit idly by and watch someone kill themselves.

[Mommyof4ks]

.

Edited December 5, 2011 by dwkilburn1

[Mommy22alyns]

Sure, why wouldn't I? It's their body.

[Maus]

Diabetic sites I've gone to warn of not driving if your blood sugar is too LOW. Most of the damage done from high blood sugar is over time and results in damaged organs, infections etc. Most of the time it isn't the kind of thing that would cause someone to keel over.

DH is diabetic, and has been for 13 years. His dad was also diabetic, and his grandmother before that. Yes, low is the more immediately dangerous of the two. Judgement is seriously impaired, and the diabetic is often shaky. He/she is at risk for passing out, or worse, going into a coma. After the event is over, he/she often doesn't remember what he/she said or did. When you hear about someone going into a diabetic coma, it is most often from going too low.

 

Most of the danger of going too high is in long term damage, but if an individual goes higher than his/her usual level, he/she can get quite aggressive, which isn't ideal for driving either. It is possible to go into a coma from being too high, but it takes being quite a bit higher than that person's norm. DH's tolerance is around 300; he used to have a diabetic co-worker who didn't notice he was high until around 700.

 

DH will sometimes deliberately aim for being a little higher than he should be, if he anticipates not having access to food/or testing/ etc. Right before a concert, for instance (he's a Barbershopper), or before a long drive.

 

I do and would go out to dinner regularly with DH (budget permitting) .....IF he has otherwise been doing well with his diet and IF he injects properly for the overindulgence. His favorite place, though, messes with his blood pressure more than his blood sugar: he's very found of the all-you-can-eat-meat at Tucano's (a Brazilian churassco place.) :rolleyes: Pick your poison.

Edited December 6, 2011 by Maus
to make a proper English sentence

[Miss Peregrine]

Sure, why wouldn't I? It's their body.

 

But is it? When you have a wife and kids?

[Alphabetika]

This is a tough one for me. On one hand, as another poster said, I try my best not to parent other adults and I would generally just try to enjoy the meal and ignore the unwise eating.

 

On the other hand, my mom just died of advanced renal failure due to diabetes (not because she mismanaged it, just because it was a natural result of the advanced diabetes) and it would be hard for me not to think of this as a possible result for someone who is not taking care of it. I know this doesn't happen in every case, just that it's close to my heart at the moment.

[justasque]

I do order "healthy" food. Healthy being relative since it is a restaurant. ;) But, yeah, I do.

 

He wouldn't like the suggestion to find something legal since he views eating out as a treat, a reason to go crazy.

 

Can you help him change this idea to one of "let's find a restaurant that has good tasting food that is not too unhealthy, and use it as inspiration for us to cook something similar at home". For example, if you found a Thai restaurant that had a great curry with brown rice, it might be an inspiration to find such a recipe to eat at home. It would feel like an indulgence because it's not your usual fare (at least it's not mine), but it would still be somewhat healthy.

 

Even if you're not going to make it at home, it can still be special without being unhealthy. Something like sushi with brown rice wouldn't be something you'd make at home, and it's a treat just because of that.

 

I have to watch what I eat, and most of the big chains are horrid. I find better food at smaller places where much of the food is cooked from scratch, ideally using fresh, quality ingredients. If your tomato is full of flavor, you don't need to smother it in high-fat cream sauce or whatever. We disparagingly call chain restaurants "good time eateries", and avoid them whenever possible. Maybe seek out restaurant reviews and such to find decent places in your area. They're not easy to find, but with the internet it's easier than it used to be.

[Miss Peregrine]

This is a tough one for me. On one hand, as another poster said, I try my best not to parent other adults and I would generally just try to enjoy the meal and ignore the unwise eating.

 

On the other hand, my mom just died of advanced renal failure due to diabetes (not because she mismanaged it, just because it was a natural result of the advanced diabetes) and it would be hard for me not to think of this as a possible result for someone who is not taking care of it. I know this doesn't happen in every case, just that it's close to my heart at the moment.

:grouphug: I'm sorry.

[Hockey Mom]

Didn't read all of the replies.

 

But, yes, I would.

 

We lived in England when I was a teenager. I used to go pubbing with my friends almost every weekend. One year, my diabetic aunt came to visit and I invited her to come along with us. We drank for hours. She and I were plastered drunk by midnight. We had a great time. I did feel guilty the whole time, but she was 10 years older than I was, and I figured she was the adult, she would know when enough was enough.

 

Years later, while my aunt was dying in a hospital, she told my Dad that the best time she ever had in her life was the night I took her pubbing. She wanted him to thank me for 'forgetting' about her disease for one night. She passed away a few days after that conversation.

 

So while what we did was dangerous and foolish, it was worth it in the end.

[Mommy22alyns]

But is it? When you have a wife and kids?

 

 

Was your original question meant to be specifically about your husband? The OP said "somebody."

[Miss Peregrine]

Was your original question meant to be specifically about your husband? The OP said "somebody."

 

I wanted to get some answers before revealing who it was about. And I am seriously asking about "anybody." Is their body their own? I am basically forcing DH's hand. Not sure how I feel about it.

Edited December 6, 2011 by Miss Peregrine

[zaichiki]

No. I would feel guilty, responsible, and enabling.

[Homemama2]

Okay. The person is my DH. Going out to dinner regularly is every 3-4 weeks.

 

The last time we went all he talked about was what he was going to have. He ate an enormous amount of food. I made him test later and it was over 350. I told him that I would not be going out to dinner with him again until his blood sugar was under control. That means taking meds regularly, exercising and choosing the right foods.

 

He asked me to go out last night and I stuck with what I said. He was not happy at all. I feel like I am being a shrew about it by forcing his hand.

 

I have turned into his parent in health management and I don't really like it. But what if it works? I don't think I could just sit by and watch him deteriorate because its his body. There are other details I could include but I don't want this to get deleted. I am really torn on how to proceed.

 

This is hard. We are going through the exact same thing with FIL. It drives my MIL nuts. He always wants to go out to eat somewhere when we come over (usually somewhere that serves ridiculously huge portions of fatty or sugary food.) We always try to talk him into eating at home and we bring healthy food with us for the dinner. I guess I would try to get a bunch of great tasting, diabetic friendly recipes including desserts so he doesn't feel like he's missing out on treats, and plan to go out after you've eaten. Instead of getting angry, be sad that he doesn't want to eat the wonderful meal you spend all that time preparing. ;) (Not saying you get angry, just saying that he might feel bad enough to stay home if he knows you're disappointed, lol!) Ultimately it is up to him though, because even if everything you cook and have in the house is healthy, he can still do like my FIL and buy junkfood and eat it in the car on the way home from work. :glare:

[kristinannie]

My MIL does test, but doesn't watch what she eats at all. When we have her over for dinner, I make a sugar free dessert most of the time. I don't want to contribute to her problem, but at the same time she is an adult and can make her own choices. She watched her mom die a very traumatic and painful death from untreated diabetes, but she still doesn't take it seriously. You really can't force someone to take care of themselves. I would still go out to eat with whoever you are talking about.

[amy g.]

I would be very uncomfortable treating my husband like a child. I would worry about damaging the relationship and still not accomplishing my desired goals.

 

I do believe that each of us gets to be the boss of our own body even after we marry and have children.

[Parrothead]

What is "regularly?" Once a week? Once a month? Quarterly? Regularly could conceivably be once every six months.

 

I could not go out to eat regularly once a week. I can't afford it. Even if I could afford it I wouldn't do it because I prefer a healthier lifestyle. This is my reasoning for me, not contemplating my "friend's" health issues

 

Once a month? Maybe. See above.

 

Quarterly? Probably.

 

Once every six months with a friend who I don't get the chance to do special things with...Sure. Why not?

[Twigs]

Okay. The person is my DH. Going out to dinner regularly is every 3-4 weeks.

 

The last time we went all he talked about was what he was going to have. He ate an enormous amount of food. I made him test later and it was over 350. I told him that I would not be going out to dinner with him again until his blood sugar was under control. That means taking meds regularly, exercising and choosing the right foods.

 

He asked me to go out last night and I stuck with what I said. He was not happy at all. I feel like I am being a shrew about it by forcing his hand.

 

I have turned into his parent in health management and I don't really like it. But what if it works? I don't think I could just sit by and watch him deteriorate because its his body. There are other details I could include but I don't want this to get deleted. I am really torn on how to proceed.

 

Ok, his blood sugar was 350 after this meal. How often does he eat like this - 1 meal per month, day, week? I would be more concerned with his hemoglobin A1C result which shows the average blood glucose over a 2-3 month period. If his A1C is in range, I definately would.not worry about a splurge meal every 3-4 weeks.

 

You might want to read about insulin (naturally produced, not injected) control. There are ways to control the naturally produced insulin even with splurge meals. One book is The Carbohydrate Addicts Diet.

 

Best wishes

[Lawana]

I would consider putting the ball back in his court.

 

"Dh, I see that when we go out for a splurge meal, you enjoy it immensely. For me, however, it is painful to watch the damage you are doing to your body. I can't enjoy the meal. I get sad and fearful thinking about what life would be like if your diabetes progressed to the point that you experienced complications, or worse, died. It makes me angry to watch you indulge and enjoy yourself, desiring my company, yet disregard my feelings in the matter."

[Julie in CA]

I would, and here's my reasoning:

 

If you (and he) eat mostly healthfully at home, a splurge once every month or so wouldn't bother me at all.

 

OR...

 

If you (and he) don't eat mostly healthfully at home, then it doesn't really matter if he eats in an unhealthy way when you're out, because it's no different than the regular habit.

 

I do agree that I absolutely do not want to parent my dh, and a shorter, happy marriage is of more worth to me than a longer but not-so-happy marriage where my dh would resent my treatment of him.