Has arrival time changed?

[momee]

I used to think when you were invited somewhere you arrived 5-10 minutes before the start time.

 

I was invited to a shower today and arrived at exactly the time on the invite. The hostess was in her pjs (hadn't changed yet) and all the other guests did not arrive until 30 - 40 mins after the time. The showeree was roughly 45 mins "late".

 

:confused:

 

I've been late, don't get me wrong. But is anyone else noticing this?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Seriously? In her pjs? You were on time - appropriately so.

[silliness7]

I used to think when you were invited somewhere you arrived 5-10 minutes before the start time.

 

I was invited to a shower today and arrived at exactly the time on the invite. The hostess was in her pjs (hadn't changed yet) and all the other guests did not arrive until 30 - 40 mins after the time. The showeree was roughly 45 mins "late".

 

:confused:

 

I've been late, don't get me wrong. But is anyone else noticing this?

 

 

That is beyond strange. Did you ask the hostess if you had the time right? What did she say?

[Ellie]

I think you found an anomaly. I'm way too familiar with guests arriving late :glare: but I have never heard of the host/hostess doing something like that (unless there was a total brain freeze on his/her part, in which case I'd expect much different behavior in that regard, KWIM?)

[Calm37]

I used to think when you were invited somewhere you arrived 5-10 minutes before the start time.

 

I was invited to a shower today and arrived at exactly the time on the invite. The hostess was in her pjs (hadn't changed yet) and all the other guests did not arrive until 30 - 40 mins after the time. The showeree was roughly 45 mins "late".

 

:confused:

 

I've been late, don't get me wrong. But is anyone else noticing this?

 

Awkward! I think you must have missed the memo on this one. Had she warned others to be late? Around here you have your 10 minute window, it seems, of being 5 minutes early or 5 minutes late. Any earlier or later seems to cause problems. :)

 

Blessings,

[snickelfritz]

Awkward! I think you must have missed the memo on this one. Had she warned others to be late? Around here you have your 10 minute window, it seems, of being 5 minutes early or 5 minutes late. Any earlier or later seems to cause problems. :)

 

Blessings,

:iagree:

 

Their group must have an established culture of being late, because I've not run into this at all. There are the friends who are always late or the last-minute interruptions, but not as a group. Unless, maybe they all know the hostess is the one who runs late?

Edited October 29, 2011 by snickelfritz

[mrs.m]

Not that I know of. I think for social functions most people give a 10-15 min. grace period for late arrivals. But 45 minutes is too late.

 

Are you sure you had the correct time? Maybe the time changed and you weren't notified?

[Serenade]

Interesting. I would say it is not the norm, unless it is the culture of this particular group.

 

When I lived in southern Spain, everybody showed up 15 - 30 minutes late, but everyone also knew this, and it was the norm. It took us Americans a while to get used to it, however.

[Chris in VA]

I HATE when people show up early!! But you weren't early, you were on time, and that hostess screwed up. 45 late to a party is pretty late, but for an adult party, it doesn't bother me. For a kids' party, yeah, because there's usually something scheduled.

[Ginevra]

My etiquette-teacher friend did recently blog that for social events, you should be about 5 minutes "late" and never, ever early. This is a total new one for me, but I get what she was saying - that if you're hosting, you're scrambling in those last few minutes and it gets messed up if you now have to entertain your guests, who are early.

 

However, the event you're talking about - that is extremely weird!

[scrapbookbuzz]

Well, I understand being a few minutes early and even right on time. What I don't understand is the hostess/showeree being "late". That's just bad form and incredibly rude!

[justamouse]

Sign me up for fashionably late (15 to 30 minutes late), but being in your PJs at the stated time is a bit much.

[justamouse]

I HATE when people show up early!! But you weren't early, you were on time, and that hostess screwed up. 45 late to a party is pretty late, but for an adult party, it doesn't bother me. For a kids' party, yeah, because there's usually something scheduled.

:iagree:

[momee]

Nope. I had the time correct and was on time. The party invites said 11 and when I asked it was just a slight "Sorry, we're running behind" and no one who came late, even the guest of honor even mentioned that they were even late.

 

I think it's this

"Unless, maybe they all know the hostess is the one who runs late?"

 

and a bit of the fact that they were all family and must just be casual about it. I'm the odd one out obviously...

Edited October 29, 2011 by momee

[KathyBC]

I was taught to be 5-10 minutes "late" to a social engagement. Give the hostess those last little minutes to light the candles...but NOT TO GET DRESSED!!!

 

I was taught this, too. When we host I like to clean the bathroom as close to time as possible and do not want to ruin good clothes, so I often get dressed 15 minutes before people are expected. Thus, I don't find this situation THAT unusual, though obviously things went awry somewhere.

[linguistmama]

I went to a bridal shower for a college friend and everyone else was over an hour late. The hosts husband opened the door when I knocked and said to come on in and that everyone would be there soon. The hostess was not even home yet! I think I was the only person who was not a close family member. It was very awkward.

[Farrar]

To me, the rule is 5-10 early for something like a class or a meeting (even in someone's home) and 5-10 minutes late for a social engagement like a dinner party or a shower.

 

Of course, some things you have to gauge - book club - social or meeting? Depends a bit on the group, right? And then there are the social engagements that are open-ended for a block of time. Those you can come any time - as long as it's 5-10 minutes after the start time.

[Cinder]

My etiquette-teacher friend did recently blog that for social events, you should be about 5 minutes "late" and never, ever early.

 

Dh and I have had our share of foul-ups with arrival times. When we were in the military it was common knowledge that the first 30 minutes of a social event were "cocktail hour." We carried that knowledge into civilian life. Imagine our shock when we arrived 10 minutes after the start time for a church Christmas dinner and they had just finished saying grace and were about to eat!

 

I would expect for a baby shower or similar social that "the program" wouldn't really get going until 30 minutes after the start time, but I would also expect the hostess to be ready to receive guests at the start time--not still be in her pjs.

[WeeBeaks]

Happens here with friends. I have learned to be at least 15 minutes "late," and even then we are usually the first there, with the others arriving 30-45 minutes "late." It is odd to me. Maybe I'm old.

[silliness7]

Nope. I had the time correct and was on time. The party invites said 11 and when I asked it was just a slight "Sorry, we're running behind" and no one who came late, even the guest of honor even mentioned that they were even late.

 

I think it's this

"Unless, maybe they all know the hostess is the one who runs late?"

 

and a bit of the fact that they were all family and must just be casual about it. I'm the odd one out obviously...

 

Maybe they forgot to call you and tell you the time had changed and when you showed up, hostess freaked because she just realized she had forgotten to call you and didn't want to hurt your feelings or make you feel badly that you had gotten forgotten and dismissed it with "we're running behind."

[angela in ohio]

:iagree:

 

Their group must have an established culture of being late, because I've not run into this at all. There are the friends who are always late or the last-minute interruptions, but not as a group. Unless, maybe they all know the hostess is the one who runs late?

 

I agree. There is usually that one person you don't bother stressing about, because you know she will be late. And then there is the pepetual "homeschool time" syndrome, but I've not found that common in the general population.

 

My etiquette-teacher friend did recently blog that for social events, you should be about 5 minutes "late" and never, ever early. This is a total new one for me, but I get what she was saying - that if you're hosting, you're scrambling in those last few minutes and it gets messed up if you now have to entertain your guests, who are early.

 

However, the event you're talking about - that is extremely weird!

 

I think what has changed more is the other end of etiquette. Fewer people have the time to truly entertain, so they are not ready when guests arrive (or even better, before.) If you read older etiquette books, they advise being ready with just things that guests can help with well before the party is to start. That way you can welcome an early guest happily.

[AHASRADA]

I would never be "on time" for a social engagement. I shoot for 10-20 minutes late myself. If I have invited someone for dinner for example, I would expect them within 30 minutes from the time stated.

 

As a PP said, I am usually running around like a nut, trying to finish up the last preparations, and I really need those few extra minutes. I like to shower about 30 minutes before the stated time, to give myself time to be dressed and be ready just in case the guests do arrive on time (which rarely happens).

 

I did arrive at a baby shower once, probably on time or within 15 minutes, and not only had no one else arrived, but the MILs (both) were still reading the directions on the boxes of frozen appetizers figuring out how to cook them! :001_huh: I had a small child at the time and could only stay for an hour or two since it was an evening party. Needless to say, I missed most of it, since the party didn't really get started until it was time for me to leave. :tongue_smilie:

 

If you don't know the hostess well, I would say to arrive about 10-15 minutes late; not late enough to be "late", but enough to give her time to finish up. Since most of the other guests were family, I can understand them arriving late. We rarely pay much heed to "start times" among family, since everyone expects to be staying well into the evening, regardless of when they arrived.

[momee]

" If I have invited someone for dinner for example, I would expect them within 30 minutes from the time stated. "

 

This would not be kosher in my family. Dinner time is serious :lol:

 

And what about your food being hot? See, it's so different. If I invited someone to dinner I would have snacks out and expect they show when I've invited them - say 6. By 615 we'd be making our way to the table to eat...

Oh well.

[Bluegoat]

I would say, for work or something in a paid-for location, or a kids party, be on time or slightly early. For a social occasion, never never be early. I like to be about 10 min "late" but I expect people up to half an our late.

[JVA]

I grew up in Central AMerica and being late for everything is NORMAL. Is there a cultural component here?

[Harriet Vane]

I find the answer to this is largely cultural.

 

I have lived in city culture and suburban culture, with white folks and with African-Americans, in wealthy places and not-so-wealthy places. In none of those cultures is it ever, ever acceptable to arrive early.

 

In the wealthy suburbs the goal seems to be to arrive exactly on time. I have friends who have been known to sit in their car around the corner until one minute before arrival time, then drive around the corner and park and ring the doorbell exactly on time.

 

In the city, particularly in my African-American neighborhood, early was never acceptable, and on-time was considered borderline rude. Folks who showed up on time were teased about it and acquired a reputation for being uptight. In that particular culture, 30 minutes late or so was expected, and get-togethers were expected to last a loooooong time.

 

The other cultural norm I've found in the less-than-wealthy suburbs (like middle class or blue collar) is to be either on time or 10 minutes late.

[Forget-Me-Not]

My DHs family operates like this for almost everything. I won't even get into how bananas it makes me, because I will start spewing and may never stop.

[Plagefille]

Honestly... it is VERY selfish and rude to be late. It is saying MY time is more important than YOUR time. If something is supposed to start at a certain time than I expect it to start within 10 minutes of that time. I think people just need to learn to organize their time better. Granted there are times when "stuff" just happens. Not being dressed is strange. The host should always be ready 5-10 minutes before the appointed start time, otherwise you are wasting other people's time.

[AHASRADA]

" If I have invited someone for dinner for example, I would expect them within 30 minutes from the time stated. "

 

This would not be kosher in my family. Dinner time is serious :lol:

 

And what about your food being hot? See, it's so different. If I invited someone to dinner I would have snacks out and expect they show when I've invited them - say 6. By 615 we'd be making our way to the table to eat...

Oh well.

 

Yes, different people's habits are funny. I usually plan dinner for about an hour, even 1 1/2 hours after the time I asked the guests to arrive. If they come on time, we have crackers and cheese, nuts, that sort of thing on the table. We munch and visit until dinner. Then, if they are more than the expected 15-30 minutes late, it doesn't interfere with my dinner plans. I would probably invite them for 5:30 (meaning 6) and plan dinner for 7ish, leaving us plenty of time for tea and cake afterward, since I would expect them to stay until at least 9:30 or so (but as late as 11).

 

Whatever your "time culture", I believe it is rude to arrive early, unless it is an event that has a set starting time, like a meeting or lecture, and even then, 10 minutes would be more than early enough if it were held in someone's home.

 

I agree that it is disrespectful to waste the host's time by showing up whenever you feel like it, but it is also disrespectful when the host wastes your time by not being ready. That's why it's important to know your host's "time culture", and if you don't, I would say 15 minutes late would be the safest bet.

[FaithManor]

When my brother got remarried, his fiance's friends through her a bridal shower and because she is, well, beyond NOTORIOUSLY LATE for everything, they lied to her and told her the start time was 1:00 p.m. instead of 2:00 p.m. The guests were all, by in large, there on time (2:00 p.m.). She got there 15 minutes late! :001_huh:

 

It's a little maddening, but time management does seem to be a bit of a problem for many people.

 

Faith

[honeymommy4]

as far as reasons people in general are more late now, It's funny but all this technology is supposed to save us time. what it does is allow us to do and expect more so we can't really keep up at all.

 

Also we try to do too much as a society, saying yes to everything - it wears us down and we can't keep up with the timeframes.

 

but i also think there is more of the entitlement thing going on. people are on their own schedules sometimes, not considering others' feelings.

[Ellie]

And what about your food being hot? See, it's so different. If I invited someone to dinner I would have snacks out and expect them to show when I've invited them - say 6. By 615 we'd be making our way to the table to eat...

Oh well.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Hannah]

I usually plan dinner for about an hour, even 1 1/2 hours after the time I asked the guests to arrive.

 

We do the same. We have friends that can be counted on to arrive dead on time (they're the ones waiting in the next block) and others to whom we have on occasion given a start time half an hour earlier than the other guests :tongue_smilie:

 

In general, we follow the 'ten minutes late' rule for social events as well.

[swellmomma]

You mean I have not actaully been perpetually late, but always on time? Wow. I am late constantly for everything. Not intentionally but because of the kids. I try getting everyone ready earlier and in teh car eariler and it makes it worse not better. WHenever we have to get ready to go somewhere that is when teh melt downs, attitudes, fighting etc kicks into high gear so we never get into the car quite on time, then add in highway driving (sometimes 20 mintues sometimes 2 hours depends were the event is). and that can really mess up my timing. good to know that when I am stressing about being 5-10 minutes late it turns out that I am actually on time :) I have been accused of using homeschool time, but it was like this even before we homeschooled. It's more like insane children against 1 parent time :)

[Renee in NC]

I know that my cousin's new wife's family is notoriously late to everything. We went to the bridal shower on time - she was 45 minutes late. The wedding? I was told that she was almost an hour late. Her whole family is late to everything!:001_huh:

 

Maybe the hostess and the rest of the guests were related to her family?:tongue_smilie:

[Munchkins_mama]

Honestly... it is VERY selfish and rude to be late. It is saying MY time is more important than YOUR time. If something is supposed to start at a certain time than I expect it to start within 10 minutes of that time. I think people just need to learn to organize their time better. Granted there are times when "stuff" just happens. Not being dressed is strange. The host should always be ready 5-10 minutes before the appointed start time, otherwise you are wasting other people's time.

 

:iagree: I often host small ( 5-10 people) social functions for my MOPS group. It drives me batty when they meander in 15-30 minutes late. If I say it starts at 6, then I plan on serving food shortly after then or playing games by a certain time. I do feel it is incredibly rude to show up late to any function. It says 'My time is worth more than yours.". I am floored that people think it's better to show up late than on time. :confused:

[dakarimom5]

Yesterday was the going away party for my cousin who is deploying to Afghanistan for a year. Everyone was told to be there at 1...the guest of honor did not arrive until almost 4. I found this rude but over looked it due to the nature of the day. But my family is notoriously late. Several years of being told Thanksgiving dinner is at noon but then not eating until 6 have frustrated my DH. I myself try very hard to be about 5 minutes early, it doesn't always work but at least I have a goal!!

[Ginevra]

Dh and I have had our share of foul-ups with arrival times. When we were in the military it was common knowledge that the first 30 minutes of a social event were "cocktail hour." We carried that knowledge into civilian life. Imagine our shock when we arrived 10 minutes after the start time for a church Christmas dinner and they had just finished saying grace and were about to eat!

 

Yes, different people's habits are funny. I usually plan dinner for about an hour, even 1 1/2 hours after the time I asked the guests to arrive. If they come on time, we have crackers and cheese, nuts, that sort of thing on the table. We munch and visit until dinner. Then, if they are more than the expected 15-30 minutes late, it doesn't interfere with my dinner plans. I would probably invite them for 5:30 (meaning 6) and plan dinner for 7ish, leaving us plenty of time for tea and cake afterward, since I would expect them to stay until at least 9:30 or so (but as late as 11).

 

Yes, this is a funny thing that has cropped up in dh's family. We rotate dinners each month at each other's houses. When I say, "Dinner's at 6:00," I do NOT mean I will be sitting down at the dinner at 6:00 on the dot! But two of my SILs DO mean this. These two tend to be freaking out by 6:10 because they are ready to begin the meal, but guests are trickling in and nobody is prepared to eat yet.

 

The one SIL (Yes, the very one I've mentioned on the boards before :tongue_smilie:) was totally agitated once because the few of us already there were picking up pieces of steamed shrimp and eating them, which obviously rubbed her wrong because everyone was not there yet. She pretty much ordered us to go downstairs where there were peanuts and pretzels. :tongue_smilie: Dh said, "She's sending us down here because she doesn't want us to eat the shrimp." BIL came running down with embarrased apologies, saying, "Don't mind her. She's just stressed out. You don't have to stay down here." :D It was like some bizzaro-world comedy dinner! :lol:

[Rhonda in TX]

As someone who is chronically on-time, I run into this all the time. Just about every time I go to an event, I get there on time, then there are no other guests for 30 minutes or so. I've actually started trying to be late, but can't bring myself to be more than 10 minutes late, so I still end up being there 20 minutes or so before everybody else. (I've never found the hostess in her pajamas, however!)

[mothergooseof4]

For a class, church, etc. I like to be at least ten minutes early. As a guest in someone else's home, I try for exactly on time.

 

I think it is terribly rude for others to be late. When I arrive somewhere and an event can't start because other guests are going to be late, I get frustrated. I also think it is rude of a host/hostess to not start an event withing a reasonable amount of time after the noted time. I often arrive somewhere with a plan of how long I will be staying or I may have something else afterwards. I am in the camp with those that think this is inconsiderate and says to others that, "My time is more important than yours."

 

I feel the same way about doctor's appointments. Why is it that they can run hours late and just expect you to wait, but if you get caught in traffic and are a few minutes late, they will turn you away?

[Bluegoat]

Timliness is really totally cultural. The time people say they are planning to start is modified by their cultural expectations. Being late is really not necessarily about people who think their time is more important than the rest of the worlds, often it really is about the cultural expectations they have. It makes no more sense than for me to be annoyed when people arrive on the dot or (ack!) ten min early because that is their cultural expectation.

 

I'm sure some people are late no matter what culture they come from, but it is a big leap to say that is what is going on in most places.

 

I'd say, in North America, 10-15 min late for social events, and up to 30 min for some kinds of things, is a normal expectation in many communities. Ethnic communities and the wealthy I suspect would be different. Showing up on the dot is probably more unusual apart from meetings and classes. S.America, Africa, and many Mediterranean countries seem to have much more extra time built into their expectations.

[Parker Martin]

In the wealthy suburbs the goal seems to be to arrive exactly on time. I have friends who have been known to sit in their car around the corner until one minute before arrival time, then drive around the corner and park and ring the doorbell exactly on time.

 

This is me. Except for the wealthy part.

 

If people are habitually significantly late, I stop making plans with them. I also never wait longer than twenty minutes. I sit down to eat, order my food, begin the festivities, whatever.

[mycalling]

My etiquette-teacher friend did recently blog that for social events, you should be about 5 minutes "late" and never, ever early.

This sounds perfect to me. I'm a last-minute scrambler and what gets put off is making the kids presentable. An extra 5min would have us all and the house looking good.

[IsabelC]

I think it's rude to arrive early for a social event, even by a few minutes, unless you know the person well and are sure they're fine with that (or, of course, you have specifically agreed to turn up early and help with preparations). Not only is it nice to give the hostess a few extra minutes to prepare, but also it can look a little freaky arriving bang on time - they might think you were lurking outside their house waiting for the exact minute to ring the doorbell. I aim for just a minute or two late.

 

For a non social appointment (doctor, accountant, hairdresser etc) I would aim for a few minutes early.

 

If I am doing the inviting, I will usually give the time as "6 o'clock for 7" (or whatever), meaning you're welcome to come from 6 onwards for a drink/chat, and we expect to eat at 7 so you'd better be there by then or else ;)

 

Since there evidently is a lot of cultural variation, I'd probably just check with the host if you don't know them well or you're unsure.

Edited October 31, 2011 by Hotdrink

[Cammie]

Here in India if you showed up "on time" you would definately find the hostesses not yet dressed! It is standard here to arrive 1-2 hours late for an evening dinner party. Definately at least 30 mins for an afternoon party.

[LisaKinVA]

Still in her PJs????

 

Umm, no. That is not a trend here. If anything, the trend is to be about 10 minutes late. Now, there is a certain relative in my family who is conspicuously late (and I mean really, really late). Dinner was at 4... they didn't arrive until 5. :glare:

 

All the food was cold... and no, it does not taste the same reheated in the microwave or kept in a warmer that long. Ruined the meal... but the pies were fresh.

[KS_]

For a class, church, etc. I like to be at least ten minutes early. As a guest in someone else's home, I try for exactly on time.

 

I think it is terribly rude for others to be late. When I arrive somewhere and an event can't start because other guests are going to be late, I get frustrated. I also think it is rude of a host/hostess to not start an event withing a reasonable amount of time after the noted time. I often arrive somewhere with a plan of how long I will be staying or I may have something else afterwards. I am in the camp with those that think this is inconsiderate and says to others that, "My time is more important than yours."

 

I feel the same way about doctor's appointments. Why is it that they can run hours late and just expect you to wait, but if you get caught in traffic and are a few minutes late, they will turn you away?

 

This is pretty much where I fall, too. We're always early or on time - I *hate* being late and if I invite people over, I invite them for the time I expect them to be here. I guess I don't understand the point of specifying a time for something to start if it's really not going to start then.

[Rhonda in TX]

Timliness is really totally cultural. The time people say they are planning to start is modified by their cultural expectations. Being late is really not necessarily about people who think their time is more important than the rest of the worlds, often it really is about the cultural expectations they have. It makes no more sense than for me to be annoyed when people arrive on the dot or (ack!) ten min early because that is their cultural expectation.

 

I'm sure some people are late no matter what culture they come from, but it is a big leap to say that is what is going on in most places.

 

I'd say, in North America, 10-15 min late for social events, and up to 30 min for some kinds of things, is a normal expectation in many communities. Ethnic communities and the wealthy I suspect would be different. Showing up on the dot is probably more unusual apart from meetings and classes. S.America, Africa, and many Mediterranean countries seem to have much more extra time built into their expectations.

 

I know this is true, but these are all generational Americans. This is not a cultural issue.

[TravelingChris]

I never come early for anything in a home- class, meeting or totally social event. Yes, I will sit in the car until the right time for a meeting. Now for purely social events, not meetings, I come about 10 -15 minutes late on purpose. I think it is rude to arrive early and just a bit strange to arrive right on time for something like dinner. I don't time dinner until at least a half hour past the set time.

 

I do come a bit early to things at buildings other than homes unless it is a social event. Then I come late but again probably 10-15 minutes late. Now if someone says that food is served five minutes after set time, I would be there but just find it odd.

[MrsMe]

Don't get me started. :glare:

:iagree: