I hate the holidays-WWYD?

[justamouse]

They're not even here, and I'm already having to deal with Holiday Stank.

 

My Aunt and Uncle normally spend every holiday with us, because although they have 5 children, the kids are either fighting, or not putting on the holiday. So, I can't have my Aunt and Uncle be alone on a holiday, and they come to our house.

 

Despite them being at our house for almost every holiday, they have NEVER invited me or my family to their house when they have a function. My Mom and Dad get invited, my brother, but never us.

 

So this Thanksgiving, they are having it at their house. And again, we don't get invited. Now, my Dh is *insulted* at this point. Flat out insulted. And, frankly, I am too.

 

Then my Mom, who works so much that she lives 20 minutes down the road and can never see us, has decided she is going over to Aunts house because she hasn't seen Aunt in about 6 months.

 

When I my mom asked point blank why we weren't invited, she said because Aunt is old, and can't handle all of us (meaning everyone) to come over. Now, this is the lady who runs the library club, the garden club, goes to curves every day and is generally running around like crazy. AND on a holiday, we ALL help. So it's not like the day is all on her.

 

So now Mom knows I'm upset and is wanting to come over an assuage her guilt by spending Halloween with us (it IS a tradition, but I know her, I know what this is about) and, frankly, I'm really not wanting to talk to her. And my Aunt is trying to assuage her guilt by being all benevolent but *not* talking about Thanksgiving.

 

The part that is salt in the wound is that I know my Aunt will have no where to go on Christmas, and she'll be at my table. And I Told my Dh that two wrongs don't make a right, but I can't say that doesn't hurt.

 

I'm not wanting to talk to either of them.

 

What would you do? Would you say anything? Swallow it and shut up?

[Kate CA]

They're not even here, and I'm already having to deal with Holiday Stank.

 

My Aunt and Uncle normally spend every holiday with us, because although they have 5 children, the kids are either fighting, or not putting on the holiday. So, I can't have my Aunt and Uncle be alone on a holiday, and they come to our house.

 

Despite them being at our house for almost every holiday, they have NEVER invited me or my family to their house when they have a function. My Mom and Dad get invited, my brother, but never us.

 

So this Thanksgiving, they are having it at their house. And again, we don't get invited. Now, my Dh is *insulted* at this point. Flat out insulted. And, frankly, I am too.

 

Then my Mom, who works so much that she lives 20 minutes down the road and can never see us, has decided she is going over to Aunts house because she hasn't seen Aunt in about 6 months.

 

When I my mom asked point blank why we weren't invited, she said because Aunt is old, and can't handle all of us (meaning everyone) to come over. Now, this is the lady who runs the library club, the garden club, goes to curves every day and is generally running around like crazy. AND on a holiday, we ALL help. So it's not like the day is all on her.

 

So now Mom knows I'm upset and is wanting to come over an assuage her guilt by spending Halloween with us (it IS a tradition, but I know her, I know what this is about) and, frankly, I'm really not wanting to talk to her. And my Aunt is trying to assuage her guilt by being all benevolent but *not* talking about Thanksgiving.

 

The part that is salt in the wound is that I know my Aunt will have no where to go on Christmas, and she'll be at my table. And I Told my Dh that two wrongs don't make a right, but I can't say that doesn't hurt.

 

I'm not wanting to talk to either of them.

 

What would you do? Would you say anything? Swallow it and shut up?

 

I would ask my aunt, point blank, "Why have you excluded us from Thanksgiving?"

[kalanamak]

Well, are there things there she'd rather not expose you to, like those 5 awful kids?

 

Does her house seat only so many?

How many years has this been going on?

Do you want to eat with them, or just feel they owe you one?

Are they boors at Christmas?

What would happen if you "crashed" Tgiving?

Are they just take take takers, or lovely aside from the Tgiving thing?

 

So many questions.

I'm glad I'm from a family where everyone was always invited to everything, without ever a second guess. :grouphug:

[carlychan]

Personally, I would not feel any guilt about my aunt being alone. It sounds like that may be some of her doing anyway. Why wouldn't some of her own kids invite her?? I would encourage you to enjoy the time you do spend with your mom and leave it at that. I would be miffed about my Aunt not inviting my family to Thanksgiving, but it sounds like it is not a suprise to you. That is who she is.

 

Sorry you are having to deal with this. Let it go and get on with the holidays with YOUR family and those you love. No drama would be my motto for the next couple of months;).

[Starr]

You are nicer than I am. It's crazy of them to always exclude you. Maybe you should do something different for Christmas this year.

[justamouse]

I would ask my aunt, point blank, "Why have you excluded us from Thanksgiving?"

 

I don't think I can call and ask, but I'm thinking of writing a letter. Because I'm that upset.

 

You can come here if you want. I don't have family to invite. I'd love to have someone to celebrate with. And I promise I am not totally annoying. I'm a pretty good cook too.

 

Aww that's sweet. My kids are locust,though, I'd bring the food. :001_smile:

 

Well, are there things there she'd rather not expose you to, like those 5 awful kids?

 

Does her house seat only so many?

How many years has this been going on?

Do you want to eat with them, or just feel they owe you one?

Are they boors at Christmas?

What would happen if you "crashed" Tgiving?

Are they just take take takers, or lovely aside from the Tgiving thing?

 

So many questions.

I'm glad I'm from a family where everyone was always invited to everything, without ever a second guess. :grouphug:

 

She has a *huge* house.

 

My kids even the 12 yo, have been to her house once, over this summer. And we were all outside. This bothers me because my kids are *amazingly* careful. I take them to china laden antique stores. Really, they KNOW how to respect other people's property. So, many years we've been excluded.

 

I love spending the holidays at my Aunts. I miss it. I love all of my cousins so much. I was an only for years and I grew up with them in a way. Every Holiday was spent there-up until everyone got married.

 

They are the life of the party at Christmas. My Dh loves my Uncle to pieces. To *pieces*. I think that's why he's so hurt.

 

No, I wouldn't dare crash. I'm not invited for a reason.

 

My Aunt has spent a lot of time with my kids, and she is always telling me how much she loves them, how she's closer to them than her Grandchildren, how rude her grandkids are, yada yada. I just don't get it. :confused:

[Sputterduck]

So your own mother is going somewhere that you can't go for Thanksgiving? I could never do that to my child.

 

Well, at least you know you're the nice, sane one in the family.

[praisefor3]

Don't blame the holidays. It's the people that are involved. Make the holidays beautiful for your children and enjoy making some great memories and new traditions for THEM.

[FaithManor]

Well, when relatives got self-centered and the holidays become a mess we couldn't enjoy, I always vote that we have a quiet, family Christmas at home with no one but us.

 

We've done that fairly often in the past five years when the situation with my brother and his wife became difficult. We opted to have no one over, absolutely no one even if that meant some were alone on Christmas Day, and we went to see no one except grandma and grandpa for just a couple of hours. OUR KIDS LOVED IT! Mom and dad all to themselves, no interruptions, no stress of a big meal to put on, etc. I planned brunch style food and put some nacho dip in the crockpot for the afternoon. We played with the kids.

 

I never realized until then how much other people steal us away from our kids at that time of year. We never played with them when we had people over, when we had to rush around to make it to grandma's or to auntie's. I was always cooking, cleaning up dishes, getting the meal on the table or leftoevers in the fridge, dh was trying to keep everything organized, keep other people's kids out of his office, away from pounding the keys on the piano, trying to make sure he spent time visiting with everyone, and generally making everyone else happy. Our kids were getting lost in that shuffle of family politics.

 

We now have a policy of having Christmas Day to ourselves. We may consider having people over for a short period of time for Christmas Eve, but that is not as common as it used to be. There is a United Methodist Church near here that puts on the most lovely candelit Christmas Eve service and our kids love it and so do we. It's more common that we drop by the extended family's house in the afternoon, visit for a little bit, and drop off presents if we are exchanging, or arrange to have a small get-together (no big meals, just snackish finger-foods) after Christmas. This change has made a huge difference in our family and Christmas Eves and Christmas Days are two of the very, very few times of the year when Dh's colleagues will actually leave him alone, when his boss won't call and demand that he have an impromptu meeting regardless of whats going on personally, etc. So, those years that we were then giving that time to others instead of our children, I now regret.

 

That's my vote. Have no one over for Christmas or if necessary, go away if you can afford it. Don't let others steal the time from the ones you love most. You can have aunt and uncle over afterwards or for New Years if you want...or just let the chips fall where they may. Just possibly, they'll be happy to stay home in the quiet. Afterall, if she can't "handle" the same family at her home that she manages to "handle" in your home, then maybe she needs to bow out of the holiday and have a quiet one.

 

A quiet Thanksgiving, a lovely no hassle Christmas...that's the ticket! :001_smile:

 

Faith

[justamouse]

So your own mother is going somewhere that you can't go for Thanksgiving? I could never do that to my child.

 

That's what my Dh said. It boggles his mind.

 

I keep saying that I know how to raise my kids by how NOT to do it. This is a prime example.

 

Don't blame the holidays. It's the people that are involved. Make the holidays beautiful for your children and enjoy making some great memories and new traditions for THEM.

 

You are right. You are. It's not the holidays, it's the people.

 

A quiet Thanksgiving, a lovely no hassle Christmas...that's the ticket! :001_smile:

 

Faith

 

Dh mentioned exactly this. I'm thinking that this is the way to go, and, frankly, it would be much less stressful.

[golfcartmama]

This is totally sincere...Do you want to go? I mean I know you'd go if you were asked, but do you want to? I'm asking because I would sing like a Hallelujah chorus if my immediate family (dh and I with our kids) could spend an entire holiday...any one of them, including Halloween, Valentine's or Arbor Day, but especially Thanksgiving or Christmas by ourselves doing what we'd like to instead of trying to combine everyone's traditions, food preferences, activity choices, etc. We'd love to spend all day Thanksgiving day in our pjs eating what we like best and playing games. I hope it all works out for you!:001_smile:

[kathymuggle]

I can be a bit grouchy....

 

I would probably be tempted to send them an email along the lines of:

 

"So Thanksgiving is at your house? Lovely! Hopefully you will make it to our house for Christmas again this year....."

 

Yes, it is totally passive aggressive.

 

If you are feeling up to it you can point blank ask her why you always seem to be excluded from Thanksgiving.

 

I am not sure I would invite her to Christmas without some sort of explanation for why you are excluded from her gatherings. It would not be a spiteful thing, but I would be genuinely hurt over the exclusion. Give her the chance to explain.

 

Good luck

Edited October 28, 2011 by kathymuggle

[Impish]

Totally agree w/Faith.

 

Do Christmas just you, your dh and kids.

[Crissy]

What would you do? Would you say anything? Swallow it and shut up?

 

Right now? Today? This holiday season?

I'd make plans for my Christmas celebration that do not include the relatives.

 

But.

 

I'm in a mood. It's been a months-long, ugly, moody thing (probably) because I'm not dealing well with some of the major changes in my family since my mom passed away in January.

 

Normally? I would make my own plans for Thanksgiving and set a place for Auntie on Christmas.

[WTMCassandra]

Perhaps I sound hard-nosed, but I would choose to spend Halloween, Thanksgiving, AND Christmas with just me and mine if I were in your situation.

[mommaduck]

Perhaps I sound hard-nosed, but I would choose to spend Halloween, Thanksgiving, AND Christmas with just me and mine if I were in your situation.

:iagree:

[JulieH]

I TOTALLY understand how you feel and don't blame you one bit. I would feel bad too.

 

That said, I'd still invite your aunt over for Christmas and *kill her with kindness*.

 

You are clearly loving and gracious and I would suck it up and show her a great, loving, family Christmas.

 

Feel sorry for her, rather than insulted.

 

Don't get me wrong, I get it.

 

What I'm wondering is, why would she have to be all alone? Your mom is going there for Thanksgiving..why can't your mom have her to her place for Christmas?

 

(I have REALLY difficult in laws that I have to have for the holidays every year and it's just the way I've learned to deal with it..)

[justamouse]

I am not sure I would invite her to Christmas without some sort of explanation for why you are excluded from her gatherings. It would not be a spiteful thing, but I would be genuinely hurt over the exclusion. Give her the chance to explain.

 

Good luck

 

I am genuinely hurt, exactly. I want her to explain, and I wish she would just call em and explain! I would understand! But to act as if Tday just never happened? And the only way I know she's putting it on is my *mom* tells me she's going to Aunts?

 

Totally agree w/Faith.

 

Do Christmas just you, your dh and kids.

 

Ha, now YOU saying that is the stamp of approval. :001_smile:

 

I'm in a mood. It's been a months-long, ugly, moody thing (probably) because I'm not dealing well with some of the major changes in my family since my mom passed away in January.

 

Normally? I would make my own plans for Thanksgiving and set a place for Auntie on Christmas.

 

:grouphug: You have a right to be moody.

 

Perhaps I sound hard-nosed, but I would choose to spend Halloween, Thanksgiving, AND Christmas with just me and mine if I were in your situation.

 

:iagree:

 

I was so afraid my emotions were getting the better of me with this-that's why I had to ask. I really thought I wasn't seeing clearly. So thank you.

[Desert Rat]

Perhaps I sound hard-nosed, but I would choose to spend Halloween, Thanksgiving, AND Christmas with just me and mine if I were in your situation.

 

I told myself last year, that if this year was anything like it, I was calling off the major holidays and taking the kids to see movies. All day. With no dinner. And only popcorn and sugary treats.

 

That said, this year is better or I'm in a frame of mind to handle it. I would just tell everyone we were have our little family holidays this year to cultivate our own traditions.

[justamouse]

I TOTALLY understand how you feel and don't blame you one bit. I would feel bad too.

 

That said, I'd still invite your aunt over for Christmas and *kill her with kindness*.

 

You are clearly loving and gracious and I would suck it up and show her a great, loving, family Christmas.

 

Feel sorry for her, rather than insulted.

 

Don't get me wrong, I get it.

 

What I'm wondering is, why would she have to be all alone? Your mom is going there for Thanksgiving..why can't your mom have her to her place for Christmas?

 

(I have REALLY difficult in laws that I have to have for the holidays every year and it's just the way I've learned to deal with it..)

 

Everyone comes to my house for the holidays. Everyone. The cat drags people in. ;) Friends that have no where to go, their kids, the kids boyfriends, seriously, I have to put two diningroom tables together to seat everyone. And my parents and brother are always here--and if my parents are here--then my Aunt and Uncle would be alone.

 

But right now I really want to opt out.

[kalanamak]

 

No, I wouldn't dare crash. I'm not invited for a reason.

 

 

Ah .... I'm not exactly clear on that reason.

[Pink Fairy]

Do you have any idea, at all, why you aren't invited? It doesn't make sense, and I'd want to get to the bottom of it (could your mom tell you?).

 

There's nothing wrong with two people being on their own at Christmas. My dh and I did that a couple of times when we were far from home, and it was fine. So don't let the thought of them being alone bother you. Who knows, maybe it will bring about some introspection as to why no one wants to invite them.

[Kirch]

Everyone comes to my house for the holidays. Everyone. The cat drags people in. ;) Friends that have no where to go, their kids, the kids boyfriends, seriously, I have to put two diningroom tables together to seat everyone. And my parents and brother are always here--and if my parents are here--then my Aunt and Uncle would be alone.

 

But right now I really want to opt out.

 

Well, if you can afford it, you could travel and spend Christmas someplace special and opt out that way. That probably won't address the real issue, though--everyone will just think that you guys decided to take a great trip.

 

Staying home and opting out of the relative stuff might be awkward (depending on how much contact you generally have with everyone), but it will be a lot more clear WRT your feelings and thoughts about the situation.

 

Sooo . . . do you just want a break from it (trip), or do you want to make a statement (stay home and not invite anyone)? Or you just suck it up and deal with it, I guess. Sounds like you've been dealing for a while, though, and it sounds like some air-clearing might be overdue. Maybe the letter is a good idea. :grouphug:

[ereks mom]

Well, when relatives got self-centered and the holidays become a mess we couldn't enjoy, I always vote that we have a quiet, family Christmas at home with no one but us.

 

We've done that fairly often in the past five years when the situation with my brother and his wife became difficult. We opted to have no one over, absolutely no one even if that meant some were alone on Christmas Day, and we went to see no one except grandma and grandpa for just a couple of hours. OUR KIDS LOVED IT! Mom and dad all to themselves, no interruptions, no stress of a big meal to put on, etc. I planned brunch style food and put some nacho dip in the crockpot for the afternoon. We played with the kids.

 

I never realized until then how much other people steal us away from our kids at that time of year. We never played with them when we had people over, when we had to rush around to make it to grandma's or to auntie's. I was always cooking, cleaning up dishes, getting the meal on the table or leftoevers in the fridge, dh was trying to keep everything organized, keep other people's kids out of his office, away from pounding the keys on the piano, trying to make sure he spent time visiting with everyone, and generally making everyone else happy. Our kids were getting lost in that shuffle of family politics.

 

We now have a policy of having Christmas Day to ourselves. We may consider having people over for a short period of time for Christmas Eve, but that is not as common as it used to be. There is a United Methodist Church near here that puts on the most lovely candelit Christmas Eve service and our kids love it and so do we. It's more common that we drop by the extended family's house in the afternoon, visit for a little bit, and drop off presents if we are exchanging, or arrange to have a small get-together (no big meals, just snackish finger-foods) after Christmas. This change has made a huge difference in our family and Christmas Eves and Christmas Days are two of the very, very few times of the year when Dh's colleagues will actually leave him alone, when his boss won't call and demand that he have an impromptu meeting regardless of whats going on personally, etc. So, those years that we were then giving that time to others instead of our children, I now regret.

 

That's my vote. Have no one over for Christmas or if necessary, go away if you can afford it. Don't let others steal the time from the ones you love most. You can have aunt and uncle over afterwards or for New Years if you want...or just let the chips fall where they may. Just possibly, they'll be happy to stay home in the quiet. Afterall, if she can't "handle" the same family at her home that she manages to "handle" in your home, then maybe she needs to bow out of the holiday and have a quiet one.

 

A quiet Thanksgiving, a lovely no hassle Christmas...that's the ticket! :001_smile:

 

Faith

 

:iagree:

[happyhomemaker]

I might be in the minority here, but I think you should say something to your aunt. After all you have done for her,she should have to look you in the eye and tell you that you aren't invited and why. She should not be allowed to exclude you from Thanksgiving dinner with the rest of your extended family by simply ignoring you and then act like nothing happened. I would also recommend a heart-to-heart with your mother, telling her how hurt you are about her choosing your aunt over you. I know saying nothing is easier, but situations can never be worked out if you say nothing. Saying something does not guarantee everything will turn out right, but it does create the opportunity for people to be reconciled without having to just pretend that things are ok.

 

That being said, if you can't work things out, I would not feel guilty about your aunt and uncle being alone on Christmas. It's not your responsibility to make sure they have a good day They certainly don't seem to be concerned with your family enjoying Thanksgiving. Enjoy the day with your family!

[Catwoman]

I might be in the minority here, but I think you should say something to your aunt. After all you have done for her,she should have to look you in the eye and tell you that you aren't invited and why. She should not be allowed to exclude you from Thanksgiving dinner with the rest of your extended family by simply ignoring you and then act like nothing happened. I would also recommend a heart-to-heart with your mother, telling her how hurt you are about her choosing your aunt over you. I know saying nothing is easier, but situations can never be worked out if you say nothing. Saying something does not guarantee everything will turn out right, but it does create the opportunity for people to be reconciled without having to just pretend that things are ok.

 

That being said, if you can't work things out, I would not feel guilty about your aunt and uncle being alone on Christmas. It's not your responsibility to make sure they have a good day They certainly don't seem to be concerned with your family enjoying Thanksgiving. Enjoy the day with your family!

 

:iagree:

 

Why should you care if your aunt and uncle are alone on Christmas if they don't care if you are alone on Thanksgiving? :confused::confused::confused:

 

Forget the letter and pick up the phone, or drive over to your aunt's house and ask her what's going on. If you feel close enough to her that you feel obligated to invite her to your home on Christmas, you're close enough to confront her and tell her how you feel. Perhaps she has a good reason for her actions -- you won't know if you don't ask.

 

You're hurt. She needs to know that. And so does your mom. They're walking all over your feelings, and that is not acceptable.

 

I know it's hard, but please stand up for yourself. :grouphug:

[Aubrey]

Ugh! This would be easy if you didn't like them--I'd say they're clearly fine w/out you, & your obligation to them is fulfilled--no more holiday invites.

 

But you DO like them, & you're hurt. Yuck. If you like them, I assume they're pretty decent people. If they're decent people, they must not know they're hurting you. I think you have to talk to them. Tell them the things you said in pp--that you miss your cousins, that your dh loves your uncle to pieces, etc.

 

If a conversation doesn't get through to them, I'm leaning in the camp of not inviting them for Christmas...although I'm not sure...mainly because I think it would be hard to enjoy their company without getting the Thanksgiving thing cleared up. And that could take a year. :tongue_smilie:

 

I'm so sorry. It really doesn't sound like they mean it to be personal, if that helps. Maybe they love YOU guys so much that they feel like they're always imposing on YOUR holidays. Maybe they're trying to be independent for Thanksgiving to give you your space? :grouphug: Here's hoping it's something innocent & well-meaning like that.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Perhaps I sound hard-nosed, but I would choose to spend Halloween, Thanksgiving, AND Christmas with just me and mine if I were in your situation.

 

:iagree:

 

And my parents and brother are always here--and if my parents are here--then my Aunt and Uncle would be alone.

 

I get that two wrongs don't make a right. However, I don't think it would be the least bit wrong of you to not extend an invitation to them. They made a choice about Thanksgiving and they are sending you a message. I think the appropriate, proper choice would be to respect that and let them know that that their message has been received by not inviting them for Christmas. If they have any questions as to why, simply answer that you were under the impression that they no longer wanted to celebrate the holidays with you. I mean, that's sure what it sounds like to me.

 

And :grouphug: to you because, really, you are being treated cruelly. You certainly have no reason to feel guilty.

Edited October 28, 2011 by Alte Veste Academy

[Kate CA]

I don't think I can call and ask, but I'm thinking of writing a letter. Because I'm that upset.

 

 

I wouldn't write a letter. I would ask, to her face, why. It is outrageous that she should treat you that way and you deserve to know why. :grouphug:

[mommaduck]

I wouldn't write a letter. I would ask, to her face, why. It is outrageous that she should treat you that way and you deserve to know why. :grouphug:

:iagree:Letters tend to get twisted around (speaking from experience). I would ask her. "Auntie, I don't understand why, when we invite everyone to our house for Christmas, you invited everyone except us to Thanksgiving. We were hoping to spend the holiday with the family rather than alone. Is there something that we've done that bothers you about having us over?"

[gardenmom5]

My Aunt and Uncle normally spend every holiday with us, because although they have 5 children, the kids are either fighting, or not putting on the holiday. So, I can't have my Aunt and Uncle be alone on a holiday, and they come to our house.

Despite them being at our house for almost every holiday, they have NEVER invited me or my family to their house when they have a function. My Mom and Dad get invited, my brother, but never us.

 

So this Thanksgiving, they are having it at their house. And again, we don't get invited. The part that is salt in the wound is that I know my Aunt will have no where to go on Christmas, and she'll be at my table.?

 

I'd let her have a nice quite christmas AT HER OWN HOME, by HERSELF.

 

Enjoy your family at christmas.

 

I do wonder why you feel so guilty that this woman, who does't care about hosting you when she DOES host holiday dinners, is alone on a holiday? stop feeling guilty.

 

fwiw - my sister started going out of town at christmas *just* so she wouldn't have to deal with the family manipulator laying a guilt trip on her not wanting to spend christmas with her.

[Little Nyssa]

:grouphug:

I would like to talk to Auntie now. And I would still ask her to Xmas. I agree with PJ and MD.

[Cheryl in NM]

Here's an idea: "Aunt, I love that you have taken it upon yourself to host Thanksgiving! What can I bring?"

 

Or

 

"Aunt, I love that you have taken it upon yourself to begin hosting the holidays! How can I help you during Christmas at your house?"

 

 

OTH, are you sure you aren't invited? It doesn't sound characteristic of how you've described your aunt. Did she think you had other plans, like your DH's family? I'd talk to her. Let her know that you wish to spend Thanksgiving with the family and you wonder why you haven't received an invite; was it an oversight? Did she just assume you would come with no formal invite? In our family if someone says "so and so is hosting Thanksgiving this year" that's an invite. No one has to be formally invited. You then call so and so and see if you can bring anything. This really sounds like a big mis-understanding to me. If you don't talk about it this will continue for years.

[WishboneDawn]

.

[tex-mex]

It appears as if Auntie and OP's mother cannot get along, period.

 

And this year, it appears for some reason -- fences have been mended and the OP is now being the scapegoat. Whatever is going on is rude by her family but there may be not much she can do. :grouphug:

 

I tell ya, families are a trip. This year has us boycotting our annual Christmas trip (11 hour drive) to see FIL. MIL died this summer. FIL quickly married another woman (turned out to be his mistress of the last 10 years that MIL never knew about) and now FIL expects us kids to accept his new wife with open arms. FIL is 73 yrs old and his new wife is 50 yrs old. Same age as DH.

 

Needless to say, DH is flippin mad and has cut off all ties to his father. Me? I'm planning a nice relaxing Christmas for our lil' family away from the drama of our Dr. Phil family. Aiiiyyyyeeeeee. ;)

[Hedgehog]

Spot on.

 

I might be in the minority here, but I think you should say something to your aunt. After all you have done for her,she should have to look you in the eye and tell you that you aren't invited and why. She should not be allowed to exclude you from Thanksgiving dinner with the rest of your extended family by simply ignoring you and then act like nothing happened. I would also recommend a heart-to-heart with your mother, telling her how hurt you are about her choosing your aunt over you. I know saying nothing is easier, but situations can never be worked out if you say nothing. Saying something does not guarantee everything will turn out right, but it does create the opportunity for people to be reconciled without having to just pretend that things are ok.

 

That being said, if you can't work things out, I would not feel guilty about your aunt and uncle being alone on Christmas. It's not your responsibility to make sure they have a good day They certainly don't seem to be concerned with your family enjoying Thanksgiving. Enjoy the day with your family!

[Jaz]

I might be in the minority here, but I think you should say something to your aunt. After all you have done for her,she should have to look you in the eye and tell you that you aren't invited and why. She should not be allowed to exclude you from Thanksgiving dinner with the rest of your extended family by simply ignoring you and then act like nothing happened. I would also recommend a heart-to-heart with your mother, telling her how hurt you are about her choosing your aunt over you. I know saying nothing is easier, but situations can never be worked out if you say nothing. Saying something does not guarantee everything will turn out right, but it does create the opportunity for people to be reconciled without having to just pretend that things are ok.

 

That being said, if you can't work things out, I would not feel guilty about your aunt and uncle being alone on Christmas. It's not your responsibility to make sure they have a good day They certainly don't seem to be concerned with your family enjoying Thanksgiving. Enjoy the day with your family!

 

:iagree:You shouldn't have to deal with the stress of not knowing.

[Word Nerd]

:iagree:Letters tend to get twisted around (speaking from experience). I would ask her. "Auntie, I don't understand why, when we invite everyone to our house for Christmas, you invited everyone except us to Thanksgiving. We were hoping to spend the holiday with the family rather than alone. Is there something that we've done that bothers you about having us over?"

 

I think this is a good suggestion and worded well. I would also share with her what the OP said about previous holidays with family, loving cousins, etc. I know we would likely all rather avoid a direct confrontation, but this deliberate, hurtful exclusion—especially considering how generous the OP has been to the aunt and how many times she has welcomed her into her own home—is a situation that calls for it IMHO.

Edited October 28, 2011 by WordGirl

[4everHis]

Well, when relatives got self-centered and the holidays become a mess we couldn't enjoy, I always vote that we have a quiet, family Christmas at home with no one but us.

 

We've done that fairly often in the past five years when the situation with my brother and his wife became difficult. We opted to have no one over, absolutely no one even if that meant some were alone on Christmas Day, and we went to see no one except grandma and grandpa for just a couple of hours. OUR KIDS LOVED IT! Mom and dad all to themselves, no interruptions, no stress of a big meal to put on, etc. I planned brunch style food and put some nacho dip in the crockpot for the afternoon. We played with the kids.

 

I never realized until then how much other people steal us away from our kids at that time of year. We never played with them when we had people over, when we had to rush around to make it to grandma's or to auntie's. I was always cooking, cleaning up dishes, getting the meal on the table or leftoevers in the fridge, dh was trying to keep everything organized, keep other people's kids out of his office, away from pounding the keys on the piano, trying to make sure he spent time visiting with everyone, and generally making everyone else happy. Our kids were getting lost in that shuffle of family politics.

 

We now have a policy of having Christmas Day to ourselves. We may consider having people over for a short period of time for Christmas Eve, but that is not as common as it used to be. There is a United Methodist Church near here that puts on the most lovely candelit Christmas Eve service and our kids love it and so do we. It's more common that we drop by the extended family's house in the afternoon, visit for a little bit, and drop off presents if we are exchanging, or arrange to have a small get-together (no big meals, just snackish finger-foods) after Christmas. This change has made a huge difference in our family and Christmas Eves and Christmas Days are two of the very, very few times of the year when Dh's colleagues will actually leave him alone, when his boss won't call and demand that he have an impromptu meeting regardless of whats going on personally, etc. So, those years that we were then giving that time to others instead of our children, I now regret.

 

That's my vote. Have no one over for Christmas or if necessary, go away if you can afford it. Don't let others steal the time from the ones you love most. You can have aunt and uncle over afterwards or for New Years if you want...or just let the chips fall where they may. Just possibly, they'll be happy to stay home in the quiet. Afterall, if she can't "handle" the same family at her home that she manages to "handle" in your home, then maybe she needs to bow out of the holiday and have a quiet one.

 

A quiet Thanksgiving, a lovely no hassle Christmas...that's the ticket! :001_smile:

 

Faith

 

:iagree: We 'went away' for Thanksgiving one year and oh my! What a relief. No family issues, no wondering what everyone else was doing cause 'we were gone!' You're Aunt will be fine. Maybe her kids don't invite her because they know you will.

[vonfirmath]

I'm so sorry :(

 

I know that we have gone to my sister's for the holidays all the time. We never host at our house when it means sister's family coming. (We MIGHT be able to do it in our current house. In previous houses, when they came it meant everyone eating outside or eating in shifts. And I just don't like hosting)

 

But I've talked to my sister. She's got a bigger house, bigger/more private land outside. more fun stuff for her kids (who are older than mine). And I'm willing to help by bringing groceries/helping cook after we get there. I'd MUCH rather pay the gas to go to her house than host at my place and she seems okay with that. And I'm not hosting anyone else at our place, really. (sometimes our parents but that's it)

[simka2]

Don't blame the holidays. It's the people that are involved. Make the holidays beautiful for your children and enjoy making some great memories and new traditions for THEM.

 

:iagree: YOU love the Holidays!!! I have seen your Pinboards! I know! ;)

You have gotten some great advice already. I think a quiet round of nuclear family holidays is in order. Fill up your time with lots of charity work with your kiddos, and let your relatives miss you guys.

 

:grouphug:

[DusksAngel]

:grouphug: Sometimes I really hate family drama. It gets old quick being the one everyone depends on and yet the one everyone ignores. To quote a friend, "I forgot I only exist when it's convenient for you".

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

You are nicer than I am. It's crazy of them to always exclude you. Maybe you should do something different for Christmas this year.

 

:iagree:

[Lawana]

You know, I can really understand how it hurts to be excluded, and I don't blame you for being mad.

 

I'll bet, however, that I am old enough to BE your mother. Or your Aunt. And I wonder, being my age, and seeing what I have seen, how much hurt there is for your Aunt in that her own children prevent her own home from being the place of refuge, the destination for so many people that cats or others drag in. I hope we know each other well enough from other conversations for me to say this, and that you know that I'm a very flawed person who would struggle to do what I am suggesting. But I will suggest it anyway. Have mercy. I wish I could give you a holy prayer, but somehow, Shakespeare in The Merchant of Venice seems to have hit on it in the piece I have pasted below. God be with you.

 

 

Patty Joanna

 

 

 

 

The quality of mercy is not strain'd,

It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven

Upon the place beneath: it is twice blest;

It blesseth him that gives and him that takes:

'Tis mightiest in the mightiest: it becomes

The throned monarch better than his crown;

His sceptre shows the force of temporal power,

The attribute to awe and majesty,

Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings;

But mercy is above this sceptred sway;

It is enthroned in the hearts of kings,

It is an attribute to God himself;

And earthly power doth then show likest God's

When mercy seasons justice. Therefore, Jew,

Though justice be thy plea, consider this,

That, in the course of justice, none of us

Should see salvation: we do pray for mercy;

And that same prayer doth teach us all to render

The deeds of mercy. I have spoke thus much

To mitigate the justice of thy plea;

Which if thou follow, this strict court of Venice

Must needs give sentence 'gainst the merchant there.

This is just beautiful. Although it is addressed to the OP, it is something I needed to hear today.

 

Op, I might approach it something like this: "Dear Aunt, I am afraid that we might have done something that has made you feel we cannot be in your home. Please share with me the nature of our offence." (Use better wording, but you get the idea.) She may have something in mind, or not. She may assume, for whatever reason, that you would prefer to be on your own for Thanksgiving, and this would let her know you might like an invitation, but without a confrontation, "Why aren't you inviting me."

 

I'm guessing she doesn't have a clue your feelings are hurt, though you'd think she could figure it out.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:I hate these kinds of situations.

[jenL]

:iagree:

 

Why should you care if your aunt and uncle are alone on Christmas if they don't care if you are alone on Thanksgiving? :confused::confused::confused:

 

Forget the letter and pick up the phone, or drive over to your aunt's house and ask her what's going on. If you feel close enough to her that you feel obligated to invite her to your home on Christmas, you're close enough to confront her and tell her how you feel. Perhaps she has a good reason for her actions -- you won't know if you don't ask.

 

You're hurt. She needs to know that. And so does your mom. They're walking all over your feelings, and that is not acceptable.

 

I know it's hard, but please stand up for yourself. :grouphug:

 

I 100% agree with this. You have every right to confront them, and yes, it will take you far out of your comfort zone to do so, but this is a hurt that needs to be dealt with right away. Stewing over it will only make other things that occur hurt even more. An open, honest line of communication needs to be created or this behavior from your aunt and mother will continue because they are "seeing" you will accept it by not confronting it.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have a family that plays games like this too, and I used to take it. I began confronting behaviors similar to these over the past year, and it has made a world of difference for my heart and my family. :grouphug:

[justamouse]

You know, it's really incredible how shoveling 22 horse stalls in the cold will screw your head on right. :001_smile: I was dwelling on this all night last night, and just getting out there and working helped so much. I stink, but it's not in my head! :D

 

I might be in the minority here, but I think you should say something to your aunt. After all you have done for her,she should have to look you in the eye and tell you that you aren't invited and why. She should not be allowed to exclude you from Thanksgiving dinner with the rest of your extended family by simply ignoring you and then act like nothing happened. I would also recommend a heart-to-heart with your mother, telling her how hurt you are about her choosing your aunt over you. I know saying nothing is easier, but situations can never be worked out if you say nothing. Saying something does not guarantee everything will turn out right, but it does create the opportunity for people to be reconciled without having to just pretend that things are ok.

 

 

You're hurt. She needs to know that. And so does your mom. They're walking all over your feelings, and that is not acceptable.

 

I know it's hard, but please stand up for yourself. :grouphug:

 

I think I'm going to say something to my mother. Definitely.

 

PJ, that was beautiful. You know, I knew the situation needed mercy, but it's so hard when you want the mercy for yourself! That quote was beautiful. And you are right, I DO know that what her kids ahve done hurts her incredibly. She is wounded over them..

Edited October 28, 2011 by justamouse

[Homemama2]

Letters tend to get twisted around (speaking from experience). I would ask her. "Auntie, I don't understand why, when we invite everyone to our house for Christmas, you invited everyone except us to Thanksgiving. We were hoping to spend the holiday with the family rather than alone. Is there something that we've done that bothers you about having us over?"

__________________

 

 

:iagree: I would say this. Don't let her ignore you, then come over at Christmas. If she has some 'issue' with your family that prevents you coming at Thanksgiving, I'm SURE that same 'issue' would prevent her from spending Christmas at your house. :D (I'd probably point that out too...but that's probably rude so I don't necessarily recommend doing that! lol!)

[Carrie Sue]

Another viewpoint is that your Aunt is stealing your family from you on Thanksgiving...What if you WANT to be with your family on Thanksgiving? Now you are prevented from that by her decision. I think my sister would refuse to go to our aunt's house if I were not invited. I know I'd feel that way, and would probably speak up on your behalf if I were one of the invitees. "Sister dear, I'm sorry, but we can't make Thanksgiving--I just would feel too badly for justamouse. We will be spending it with them this year."

 

My dad and mom meet with his brothers and their wives a few times a year. Somehow my cousin always comes along, but my sibs and I are never asked. It does hurt one's feelings!

[Trish]

Personally, I would not feel any guilt about my aunt being alone. It sounds like that may be some of her doing anyway. Why wouldn't some of her own kids invite her?? I would encourage you to enjoy the time you do spend with your mom and leave it at that. I would be miffed about my Aunt not inviting my family to Thanksgiving, but it sounds like it is not a suprise to you. That is who she is.

 

Sorry you are having to deal with this. Let it go and get on with the holidays with YOUR family and those you love. No drama would be my motto for the next couple of months;).

 

Yeah, her own kids are not "having" a Christmas?

 

:confused:

[Becca211]

I think you have gotten great advice. Although I would struggle with it, I have recently learned the hard way that it is important to confront these issues, and not sweep them under the rug. I have a book suggestion for all of us that HATE confrontation. It is called Crucial Confrontations. It is so good, and really helps get your thoughts together to confront someone. It is actually a management book, but is very appropriate for interpersonal relationships as well.