Heather in Neverland Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 You know, usually I am not really "sensitive" when it comes to people saying stupid things about adoption but lately... So I have 3 kids and 2 are adopted. We are used to people staring, asking questions. When you have 3 kids of 3 different ethnicities, it's going to happen. We know that. At a Chuck E Cheese an employee once accused us of trying to kidnap our ds even though our numbers matched. We hear: - Are you going to tell them they are adopted? :001_huh: - I bet he will be really good at karate. :001_huh: - How much did you pay for her/him? :glare: Whatever. I blow it off. BUT THIS WEEK... a woman at the park saw my kids playing and asked a bunch of questions about my two adopted kids and I answered politely like I always do. I consider myself an ambassador for adoption. :D But then my oldest (bio kid) walks up and after I introduce him she says "Oh, so you only have one son." I was like HUH? I just spent 20 minutes talking about my other two kids one of which is a boy and is sitting right by her. So I said "No, we have 3 kids. Two boys and 1 girl." And she says "Oh, are the others at home?" :001_huh: So I am thinking "OK lady, try to keep up" and I explain again: NO, I have THREE children: 1 girl and 2 boys as I POINT to them. Then she says again "Oh I see. But just one son." It was OBVIOUS she did not consider my adopted children my REAL children. So I walked away. At the night market a lady asked me "Where did you get her?" in a nasty voice and pointing at my daughter like I stole her or something. Then my kids were asking me yesterday about the way my dh and I met. It was cute and my oldest said "If you and dad had not met I would not be here" and my adopted ds says "Yeah, and I would still be for sale". :svengo: This idea got in his head from something someone said at school about us "buying" him from his real mom. Like I said, normally this stuff doesn't get to me but lately grrrrrrrrrrrrr....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nansk Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Shocking! While reading your account, at first I thought it was an English communication problem, but after reading about the way that woman persisted, I would question her IQ (and EQ). I am so sorry about your younger son talking about being 'on sale'. I think it is a mis-translation from Malay/Bahasa. The lady who cleans our home had limited English skills and also talked about adopted children as being 'buy' until I taught her the word 'adopted'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 (I checked out your blog after reading your post!) You (as you know) have three beautiful children - what a family! I am truely sorry that some people are so stupid! Unfortunately, we all have to deal with stupid people - your kids just might get some extra experience. I have had similar comments (my kids look Indian - like their father) and I just roll my eyes and move on. I do hope you have more positive comments and people who appreciate the family you have created! - Cammie (BTW - you looked very nice in your sari!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saw Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 We haven't had anything quite that bad, but my China-born adopted son gets a lot of people who insist on saying "ni hao ni hao" instead of hello. We had one weird episode last year. D was in French preschool all year in a dorky little French village. All year long I brought him back and forth to school, picking him up for lunch some days, going back and forth up, up to four trips daily. All that year none of the French mothers would even say hello to us. Finally, in the last month of schoool, one mother (whom I had seen countless times) comes up and asks whether D is adopted. I said, yes. She said, from where. I said, China. She said, how old was he at adoption? I said, 2.5. Then she looks down at D and starts barking at him "NI HAO NI HAO NI HAO"!!!!! D just gave her this "what the dickens?" look. I was stunned into silence. When she didn't get a response, she went on into the school. The next day, when I saw her on our way back from school, she cut me dead. She never even smiled or said hello and never spoke to us again. Weird. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I would say it is a cultural things, but adoption is not really heard of in Muslim countries. Fostering, oh, yes. but not adoption. Such as that providing love and shelter to an orphan (i.d. someone without parents, right) is securing you a place in Paradise, however, we would not change the last name and as such it would not be an adoption in the American sense of the word. This would explain her wording. I don't have any advice for you. Love on your kids and that silly boy of yours. No, he would not still be for sale; his mother (you) would still have found him, dude!! It's hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Heather, First :grouphug:. Now: Stop being an ambassador for adoption. If you really don't want these encounters, DO NOT engage people in these discussions. Your children, and what they are overhearing, are way more important than you trying to convince the world that adoption is great, viable, whatever it is for you. I've been down that path. In my opinion, my job/calling isn't to be the ambassador for adoption. My calling is to be the mother to my children day-by-day. That trumps "modeling" for the rest of the world to see. Once I got that clear in my head, the questions and unkind comments diminished, and not just because I became skilled at cutting them off. I'm sure my unspoken vibe must have changed too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asta Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Oh my goodness! When did Natalie get so big! It seems like it was just yesterday that she was born... a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 . Like I said, normally this stuff doesn't get to me but lately grrrrrrrrrrrrr....... Sounds to me like it's time to adopt another baby. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 People can just be so rude. I'm so sorry you have to deal with such people. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Heather, I know you are venting and not asking for advice. But I would probably start a discussion at home about how we are adopted into the family of Jesus Christ, and how Jesus was adopted by Joseph. I wouldn't make any parallels to my own kids, as I'd guess they'd figure that one out on their own. But I'd make it part of a recurrent, long-running (lifetime!) theme, being grateful for it, mentioning "before we were adopted into God's family," talking about other believers as brothers and sisters in Christ, etc. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renaissance Mom Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I can relate. Our oldest is bio but younger two are adopted. Last year at Thanksgiving, I overheard my mother and my MIL chatting about their grandchildren. My MIL comments that my oldest is her youngest grandchild. She then glances at me and notices me watching and adds a comment about how she enjoys the younger two children (but doesn't call them grandchildren!). This was BIG news to me -- everyone has always treated them as members of the family. I had no idea that MIL didn't consider them real grandkids. It's been 7 years since the last adoption so it isn't that she is still adjusting. :ack2: I'm so grateful that God made me my kids' mommy. He knows, I know, and my kids know that they are my "real" kids! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 Oh my goodness! When did Natalie get so big! It seems like it was just yesterday that she was born... a I know! She is almost two years old!!! Time goes so fast... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 Wow. The worst thing is the comment about still being for sale. :crying: People really can be insensitive. It broke my heart. Truly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I would say it is a cultural things, but adoption is not really heard of in Muslim countries. Fostering, oh, yes. but not adoption. Such as that providing love and shelter to an orphan (i.d. someone without parents, right) is securing you a place in Paradise, however, we would not change the last name and as such it would not be an adoption in the American sense of the word. This would explain her wording. Forgive my ignorance, but I thought I'd read that Mohammad was adopted? Does the culture find adoption distasteful or just not something that occurs to people? Or is it considered a wrongful negation of the child's birth heritage? Just honestly curious. To the OP, I am sorry you have to deal with this. I live in a more adoption-friendly place, so though I have daughters who are obviously not my biological offspring, it is very rare that I get uncomfortable comments, for which I am very thankful. I think it's great that you try to be an ambassador for adoption! Maybe since this woman was fixated in the word "son," it would help to refer to your children using that kind of terminology versus "two boys and one girl." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Heather, I said in another thread (one on the high school board) that I would be thrilled if the world went back to a Victorianish practice of NOT making comments on anything personal in public, ever. You know how just about every topic but the arts, weather, philosophy, music, and literature was off limits! Then maybe, just maybe, people would keep their ignorance to themselves. I'm sorry you deal with it! I have the opposite problem. Due to political strife in Nicaragua, we were never able to bring our precious two little girls home. I still grieve and I know there health is deteriorating and they are likely to die in the orphanage in the next year or two and there is nothing we can do about it. But, some people from our church who know of the situation have made the following comments, "It's not like they were your real kids. What are you so upset about?" "Just forget about it. It's not like one of your real kids is going to die." "Don't you think it would have been weird to have kids that don't look like you anyway." One woman has come pretty close to getting clouted on the nose. Don't engage. I no longer engage. I no longer speak to these people. If my girls were with me, I'd say, "I have six children, three boys and three girls." I'd walk away and leave it at that. Rude comments would not be acknowledged...rudeness would be shunned. I'm through with being kind to rude ignoramouses because it isn't helping these people learn any better social skills. So, I just don't engage, but the icy stare does occasionally show forth when some of the people I now shun get near me. I want them to know their opinion is not welcome, walk away people. I can't believe the "buying" remarks. OH. MY. WORD! I don't have any words of advice on how to help your son not internalize that message because I didn't get my girls so I've not dealt with that. But, all I can say is try to teach your children the discernment of not listening to idiots. UGH!!!!! :grouphug::grouphug: Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Your problem is, some ppl are twits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Love on your kids and that silly boy of yours. No, he would not still be for sale; his mother (you) would still have found him, dude!! It's hard. love this. :grouphug: Your family is beautiful! :grouphug:Faith and Ren Mom:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ByGrace3 Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 :grouphug: So sorry. People are clueless :glare: Both my brother and sister have adopted children and not only are they viewed and treated as completely part of our family (not doing so never occurred to anyone ever) but we feel privileged to have the gift of adoption in our family, and am so glad my children get to have adoption in their lives and see the beautiful thing this it is. The other day my sister had her dd's friend's mom comment almost annoyed that she NEVER KNEW her dd was adopted. My sister was :001_huh: like she is supposed to where a sign?!? When she told me, I looked at her dd and smiled, and said, "sure, a sign that says 'CHOSEN'. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElaineJ Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Heather, I'm so sorry your family has been exposed to this kind of insensitivity! :grouphug: I once had a lady tell me that I shouldn't have adopted my son from Vietnam because Vietnamese are ugly. I was so shocked I hardly knew what to say! Unfortunately, I think that most of us have been exposed to some weird rudeness because we just don't fit into some people's paradigm. I'm glad for you all, though, that you were made aware of the "selling" comment and the other stuff your kids have been taking in so that you could help them process through it. Much better than just having them file it away on their own as part of their view of their identity. Enjoy your beautiful children and may god give you His grace to have compassion on those making ignorant comments. And, as a pp said, don't feel bad just exiting the conversation to spare your kids when necessary. Elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dina in Oklahoma Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Heather ~ Your family is beautiful ! As hurtful as these peoples comments are, I encourage you to pity them and use it as an opportunity to teach your children that some people truly don't understand what being a parent is or family is. Having a child doesn't make one a parent. Only a person that can love a child, any child as their own really understands what it is to be a parent. :grouphug:Blessings to you and yours, Dina :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I'm wondering if it's just the culture there. So many children of poor families are sold throughout Asia that I wonder if they just assume when they see a child outside his or her own family if that child wasn't sold for some reason.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Wow, the nerve of that lady!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I'm sorry! All of my children are adopted, though they are of the ethnicity that is most dominant in our area (hispanic) so I don't get a lot of raised eye-brows, unless DH and I are together, then it's very obvious our kids are adopted. We have gotten some stupid remarks, though. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I'm wondering if it's just the culture there. So many children of poor families are sold throughout Asia that I wonder if they just assume when they see a child outside his or her own family if that child wasn't sold for some reason.... "How much did she cost?" has been asked of me in the U.S.A. in reference to my dd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) I wish the world at large was more adoption-sensitive. The media does a lot to keep up with the negative stigma. I read an article about Steve Jobs last week that rankled me. It talked about how Jobs was adopted as an infant, and kept referring to the parents who loved and raised him as his "adoptive parents" and spent little time focusing on them. Instead, it focused largely on his "parents" including his biological father whom he never had a relationship with. Apparently he did reconnect with his biological mother and sister. The article even said that Jobs strongly rejected the term "adoptive parents," in reference to his family while he was living, yet the article went on to use that term :glare: I adopted my son, but I am not his "adoptive mother." My son is adopted, but he is not my "adopted son." Adoption is an act, not a definition. I wish society didn't insist on making a relationship that started out with adoption less than a relationship that started out by birth. My kids are my kids. I love them equally. One isn't more important to me because she came out of my body, and the other didn't. The idea to me is ludicrous. Edited October 12, 2011 by jujsky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cricket Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I'm wondering if it's just the culture there. So many children of poor families are sold throughout Asia that I wonder if they just assume when they see a child outside his or her own family if that child wasn't sold for some reason.... This is what I keep thinking. It must be some cultural thing. How sad that selling children might seem normal. I'm glad your dc ended up with a wonderful family though! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeannie in NJ Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) one time whne we had just received our dd as a baby, an old man approached me and just went on and on about how he had fought in the Korean War and thought it was disgraceful that Americans were bringing Korean babies over here and adopting them! I told him that my uncle had died in the Korean War and that I had another uncle and a nephew that have served in Korea and no-one in my family had any problem with me adopting from that country and that I was sorry that he was such a bitter old man still upset about a long ago war and he needed to get over it. That was the worst encounter I have had and actually nothing else even close to that has happened the way I answer the 3 questions that you posted are: yes, they know they are adopted Yes, they are both really good at karate I forget how much the adoption cost The one question that always amazed me was when we got dd at 4 months, people would ask me if she spoke Korean. I said that is would be pretty amazing if she spoke any language at 4 months old. Edited October 12, 2011 by Jeannie in NJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 The one question that always amazed me was when we got dd at 4 months, people would ask me if she spoke Korean. I said that is would be pretty amazing if she spoke any language at 4 months old. Oh good gravy! This reminds me of a comment my ignorant grandmother made to a family who adopted a little girl from Mexico. She said to them, "Oh, so you must feed her a lot of spicey food and chilli!":001_huh: The baby was 5.5 half months old at the time. My mother was nearby to hear the comment and really wanted to throttle her own mom! Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zimom Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 One of my favorite (not!) comments when we were getting ready to bring our second daughter home was from a man that said to me "you know, there are a lot of dumb people in this world, aren't you afraid you will get a stupid one?". And yes, he was dead serious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anneofalamo Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Sounds to me like it's time to adopt another baby. :D tee hee that is what we are doing too!! we have all different hues of children too, and identical twins I had a lady say, oh I would adopt if I could get twins...how did you do that?? I just looked at her and said, "seriously?" I just stared at her til realization of her rude and insensitivity sunk in. but we are back at it again...cause I have all this homeschool stuff that I think I got figured out, I need another batch of kids to experiment on!!! bhahhahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
photomo Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I feel for you. The questions I get are " so is her mom tall? Or is her dad blonde? Things like that. I always respond. No I'm short... Oh are you referring to her birth mom or birth dad?? I am her mom!!! It drives me nutts!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I wish the world at large was more adoption-sensitive. The media does a lot to keep up with the negative stigma. I read an article about Steve Jobs last week that rankled me. It talked about how Jobs was adopted as an infant, and kept referring to the parents who loved and raised him as his "adoptive parents" and spent little time focusing on them. Instead, it focused largely on his "parents" including his biological father whom he never had a relationship with. Apparently he did reconnect with his biological mother and sister. The article even said that Jobs strongly rejected the term "adoptive parents," in reference to his family while he was living, yet the article went on to use that term :glare: I adopted my son, but I am not his "adoptive mother." My son is adopted, but he is not my "adopted son." Adoption is an act, not a definition. I wish society didn't insist on making a relationship that started out with adoption less than a relationship that started out by birth. My kids are my kids. I love them equally. One isn't more important to me because she came out of my body, and the other didn't. The idea to me is ludicrous. :iagree::iagree: Terms like "real parents" and "adoptive parents" just irritate me. My son referred once to his "real mom" and I said, "I am your real mom. She is your birth mom." A real mom is the one who dries the tears, wipes the bottoms and goes to each and every (almost) soccer game. Adoption is always seen as "less than" and it drives me nuts. Last night, though, I was watching NCIS and at the end Abby found out she was adopted and the conversation she and Gibbs had was really good regarding adoption. One of the best I've heard on tv. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 My brother once told my mom that, "You're not my REAL Mom!" (We're a blended family...so technically, he's my step brother, and she's his step mom, but we never acknowledged that division, we were just brother, sister, mom, dad, etc) She bent down to him and said, "Do I seem imaginary to you?" and that was the end of that. Never heard that sort of comment ever again. I had a kid question me (in an incredibly snotty, demanding tone) about Diva's 'real Dad' and reused the same line. "Does my husband seem imaginary to you?" which seemed to confuse the kid enough to make her drop the convo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessReplanted Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I would have been livid. ((hugs)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dina in Oklahoma Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 One of my favorite (not!) comments when we were getting ready to bring our second daughter home was from a man that said to me "you know, there are a lot of dumb people in this world, aren't you afraid you will get a stupid one?". And yes, he was dead serious. Reply . . . "Your mom wasn't!" Oops did I say that???:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
songsparrow Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 She bent down to him and said, "Do I seem imaginary to you?" and that was the end of that. Never heard that sort of comment ever again. LOL. I have to remember that to use with my own kids. I am adopted, my girls love their grandmother dearly, yet they'll still come out with questions about whether I know who my "real" parents are. I have to chalk that up to them not understanding the connotation of "real" in that context, and they're just trying to ask about my birth parents (although doing so ineloquently). (I always respond that their Grandma is my "real" mom because she loved and raised me, and that's what makes a person a mom.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Reply . . . "Your mom wasn't!" Oops did I say that???:D :lol::lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Oh, my word. Those comments are enough to make anyone nuts. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Forgive my ignorance, but I thought I'd read that Mohammad was adopted? Does the culture find adoption distasteful or just not something that occurs to people? Or is it considered a wrongful negation of the child's birth heritage? Just honestly curious. Prophet Muhammad was raised by his grandfather and a nursing woman and his mother. He did himself foster a child who was very close to him, but not adopted. Difference is that with fostering you keep the surname and people know everyone's lineage. I mentioned that taking care/raising an orphan is guaranteeing you entrance to Paradise, so no, there is nothing distasteful about extending your home and heart to other children, just not your name. Or you could perhaps add your name to the child's own surname. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MelissaMinNC Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 This whole post just makes me :crying: . What is WRONG with people? :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: for you and the kiddos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delaney Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I just don't get why people make a big deal WHERE your kids come from. Just cause you carried them doesn't make them more loved, more special, or you more competent to raise them. Adoption is no walk in the park from what I understand and takes a lot of time, money, and patience. Who on earth would not consider those kids "yours". Ignorance is no excuse for sheer dumbassedness. (just made that up):D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in C-ville Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 With our family, it's not so obvious who is adopted. Some look very much like me and some look very much like Bill. When we were in Ukraine, the fact that Katya looks like me very much worked in our favor as they saw it as a "sign" that she was supposed to be in our family. I don't think it makes any difference at all, but since their observations worked in our favor I just nodded my head and smiled while saying, "I know. Isn't that amazing!" But, even so when people hear that we have adopted, someone invariably asks, "So how many of the children are yours?" I invariably get a puzzled look on my face and answer, "Well, all of the children are ours. What do you mean?" If someone is genuinely interested in adoption, I love to share the story with all the details, but not in front of Katya. At this point in her life, it just makes her feel different rather than special. Heather, I would be quite annoyed as well, but mostly concerned about how these conversations impact the children's identity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 To the "how much?" question: I would answer its like natural childbirth, once it's over, the pain is forgotten. I have this poem I bought years ago for a friend who had her adoption fall through, so I never got the chance to give it to her. I liked it. if you click it a couple of times, it gets bigger Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 Due to political strife in Nicaragua, we were never able to bring our precious two little girls home. I still grieve and I know there health is deteriorating and they are likely to die in the orphanage in the next year or two and there is nothing we can do about it. But, some people from our church who know of the situation have made the following comments, "It's not like they were your real kids. What are you so upset about?" "Just forget about it. It's not like one of your real kids is going to die." "Don't you think it would have been weird to have kids that don't look like you anyway." One woman has come pretty close to getting clouted on the nose. :grouphug: wow, I am so sorry... :grouphug: I once had a lady tell me that I shouldn't have adopted my son from Vietnam because Vietnamese are ugly. OH. MY. WORD. one time whne we had just received our dd as a baby, an old man approached me and just went on and on about how he had fought in the Korean War and thought it was disgraceful that Americans were bringing Korean babies over here and adopting them! I am getting angrier by the second. :cursing: I just don't get why people make a big deal WHERE your kids come from. Just cause you carried them doesn't make them more loved, more special, or you more competent to raise them. Adoption is no walk in the park from what I understand and takes a lot of time, money, and patience. Who on earth would not consider those kids "yours". Ignorance is no excuse for sheer dumbassedness. (just made that up):D You are SO RIGHT! and "dumbassedness" is my new favorite word. :D Maybe my REAL problem is that I let people get away with too many of these comments. I usually try to be so understanding of their dumbassedness. But my patience has worn thin so I pity the next person who makes a stupid comment about adoption to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Just to commiserate, I remember getting really angry a couple of times at my best friend, during my adoption process. (She is from a different culture too.) Once she suggested that the adoption agency probably had a setup similar to a farm where they paid birth moms to get pregnant and then turn over their babies once born. When she saw I didn't appreciate that comment, her answer was, "what's wrong with that? At least that way you could be sure they were kept clean and all that." She couldn't see how her comments could be offensive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) A woman I know wanted to adopt from a E. Eur. country and looked into a summer program where the children come over and stay for part of the summer. The first girl that they were going to host turned out not to be available and the woman told me she was glad because (based on the picture) she thought the girl was too chubby. :glare: The woman ended up hosting another girl and adopting her. Even adoptive parents are capable of saying distasteful things about adoption. Edited October 13, 2011 by unsinkable Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Just to commiserate, I remember getting really angry a couple of times at my best friend, during my adoption process. (She is from a different culture too.) Once she suggested that the adoption agency probably had a setup similar to a farm where they paid birth moms to get pregnant and then turn over their babies once born. When she saw I didn't appreciate that comment, her answer was, "what's wrong with that? At least that way you could be sure they were kept clean and all that." She couldn't see how her comments could be offensive. I could see where she got the idea. There are surrogate places in India that to just that. People pay a woman to surrogate their child, The woman stays in the "hospital" for the whole 9 months. You can even buy the sperm and eggs for the Surrogate pregnancy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 But my patience has worn thin so I pity the next person who makes a stupid comment about adoption to me. I feel it is almost my duty to be obnoxious to people who say obnoxious things about adoption. They are more likely to remember next time, and really, I figure that I've done them a favor, as the next adoptive mom might be violent. Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Good Lord, they are gorgeous. And Natalie is so big! The other people who say that crap are just asshats. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 If you can see if you can get a copy of yesterdays New York Times (Thursday). There was a really interesting article on mixed race families (in the article they were biracial). They encountered many of the same situations that you talked about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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