Did your husband ask your father if he could ask for your hand in marriage?

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

Ugh. Yes. There is that, too.

 

Mostly, I find it so juvenile. "Will your daddy let you play with me?" That's exactly what it seems like to me. I mean, really... if you aren't mature enough to make a decision to marry someone on your own, then perhaps you aren't mature enough to marry, period. Some people seem to like the idea of clinging to parental approval. Some parents, I suppose, encourage that mindset as well. To me, it seems antithetical to the concept of being an adult, or raising an adult.

 

I don't think this has to be the case. I even think that that "permission" isn't taken quite that literally-which is why some people prefer the term blessing these days. Also-in this modern world, among modern women- just because the bride's parents offer their approval doesn't always mean the prospective bride will say yes nor does it mean that she hasn't already agreed to marriage and the forthcoming proposal is more of a ceremony than an actual surprise question. I suspect many couples discuss and plan a wedding/marriage long before an actual proposal takes place.

 

I think that much as a wedding is a matter of personal choice amongst couples how they approach the tradition of "chatting" with the woman's father is rather personal and I won't be calling anyone juvenile for considering this an important tradition just as I wouldn't call anyone disrespectful for not "asking permission".

[gardenmom5]

Children ask permission. adults make decisions.

 

not always - I think of a 20yo relative who is getting married in a few weeks. her mother is giving her two years of contraceptives as a wedding present in hopes she sees this guy as the rest of her family does before having children. I don't know how objective mom's opinion is, just that the whole family thinks he's emotionally abusive, manipulative, and is responsible for her being thrown out of the college she was attending. so, she will have to enter the world of adulthood and live with her choices that everyone else who knows them both thinks is a disaster in the making.

[Audrey]

not always - I think of a 20yo relative who is getting married in a few weeks. her mother is giving her two years of contraceptives as a wedding present in hopes she sees this guy as the rest of her family does before having children. I don't know how objective mom's opinion is, just that the whole family thinks he's emotionally abusive, manipulative, and is responsible for her being thrown out of the college she was attending. so, she will have to enter the world of adulthood and live with her choices that everyone else who knows them both thinks is a disaster in the making.

 

 

Well... I didn't say adults always make the right decisions. I just said they shouldn't ask permission to do adult things (like marry). If one marries a bozo, then, one has to live with the consequences of that just as one has to live with the consequences of any decisions one makes. Adults should be making their own decisions, and be allowed to make their own mistakes, too.

Edited October 7, 2011 by Audrey

[gardenmom5]

in keeping w/ the mindset of a self-centered culture--to just make one's own decision w/out any input from anyone else because I know best.

 

Teenagers don't ask advice; adults do.

 

Not ever did I ask advice of my mother - it wasn't worth anything. It would have been nice if I could have had one of those "hallmark" mom-daughter relationships. not going to happen. The OLDER I got, the more convinced I was of that viewpoint. Not all parents have opinions that have any value. (actually, some of the opinions she expressed were downright damaging and even dangerous)

[QuirkyKapers]

Not so much asking permission as letting my parents know he was going to ask.

[Beth S]

I had no clue. My family was camping in a campground about 45 minutes from where my future dh was living. He came out for a visit (WITH HIS FOLKS?!?) to the campground. We were just waking up, and my dad was in the campground restroom shaving. Apparently he asked my dad INSIDE the restroom.

 

We had been dating for 3 years, knew each other's families for 10+ years--it was an easy "yes" for my dad . . . but I think the other guys in the bathroom had a good laugh about it at the time!

 

Dh came out of the bathroom, asked if I wanted to take a hike in the woods, and asked me once we had some privacy in the woods. I was completely caught by surprise! :001_smile:

[Audrey]

I don't think this has to be the case. I even think that that "permission" isn't taken quite that literally-which is why some people prefer the term blessing these days. Also-in this modern world, among modern women- just because the bride's parents offer their approval doesn't always mean the prospective bride will say yes nor does it mean that she hasn't already agreed to marriage and the forthcoming proposal is more of a ceremony than an actual surprise question. I suspect many couples discuss and plan a wedding/marriage long before an actual proposal takes place.

 

I think that much as a wedding is a matter of personal choice amongst couples how they approach the tradition of "chatting" with the woman's father is rather personal and I won't be calling anyone juvenile for considering this an important tradition just as I wouldn't call anyone disrespectful for not "asking permission".

 

 

And again... we're talking about asking permission, NOT chatting with or asking advice of a parent.

 

Usual disclaimers apply ... YMMV, whatever floats your boat and yada yada.

[LidiyaDawn]

Ask my folks? Nope. Kinda funny to even think about him asking them.. then again, he didn't really ask me -- I asked him. :laugh:

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

And again... we're talking about asking permission, NOT chatting with or asking advice of a parent.

 

Usual disclaimers apply ... YMMV, whatever floats your boat and yada yada.

 

No-we aren't necessarily talking about "permission". No where did the OP use that particular term. My assumption is that the OP was asking if the tradition of fathers and prospective sons-in-law sitting down for the proverbial chat was still done. I also think you are taking the word permission far to literally. Which, if you read the answers of those who say yes in the poll, you will find they don't all take it quite so literally either.

 

And I don't think the usual disclaimers include it being acceptable to call the folks who have kept this tradition "juvenile" and imply that none of them are capable of adult decisions. That can also be far from the truth.

Edited October 7, 2011 by JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst

[ThatCyndiGirl]

No-we aren't necessarily talking about "permission". No where did the OP use that particular term. My assumption is that the OP was asking if the tradition of fathers and prospective sons-in-law sitting down for the proverbial chat was still done. I also think you are taking the word permission far to literally. Which, if you read the answers of those who say yes in the poll, you will find they don't all take it quite so literally either.

 

The title of this thread is "Did your husband ASK YOUR FATHER IF HE COULD ASK for your hand in marriage?"

 

That sounds like permission.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I don't think he exactly asked, so much as he hung around one night after I left for work and had a discussion with my parents about their thoughts and feelings on the issue. We were pretty much already engaged at that point (no ring yet, but we were talking dates). We had a very fast courtship and engagement (6 months, to the day, from the first date to the wedding day AND it was long distance on top of that!), but both of us had pretty clear answers from prayer that this was right for us. In any case, my parents, especially my dad, were THRILLED with DH from the moment he arrived on the scene. Nearly 14 years later, I'm pretty sure they actually like him more than they like me :lol::lol::lol:

 

My sister's DH did call and formally ask my dad though, and I think all 3 of my married brothers called and formally asked their FILs. I have mixed feelings on the issue. I think it's important to gauge feelings and build relationship with the family into which you are marrying, but I don't like the whole "property" issue part of it. And even if my parents had said no or refused to give their blessing, I would have gone through with the marriage anyway.

Edited October 7, 2011 by LemonPie

[MinivanMom]

:confused:

 

I think respectful men can reasonably disagree on this point.

 

If the act of asking a blessing or permission on a marriage to your dd would really upset your dh this much...that sounds neither respectful nor reasonable to me.

 

There is a big difference between asking for the blessing of the girl's parents versus asking her father for permission to marry her. The poll was asking about asking a girl's father for permission. I realize that some see permission and blessing as synonymous, but they aren't. I think it's completely reasonable for a father in the 21st century to be concerned if he's pulled aside man-to-man to grant permission for his adult child to marry.

 

I know that my dh's very respectful and reasonable response would be something along the lines of, "Why are you asking me? I like you, but it doesn't matter what I think. The decision to marry is between you and my daughter. We'll always respect all the decisions you make as a couple and as your own family."

 

What he'd really be thinking in his head though would be, "What's going on here? Does this guy really think that I'm is in charge of our adult daughter and am going to transfer that power to him? Does he have patriarchal tendencies? Is he just trying to be respectful? Does he simply come from the sort of family where asking 'permission' is expected?" These are reasonable things to wonder. Many guys are just asking for a "blessing" when they say "permission", but there are guys out there that would really see the father as passing over power to them as the new husband. That's not a worldview we share, so we would have concerns (though we would keep them to ourselves since it's not our place to choose our daughters' spouses ;)).

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

The title of this thread is "Did your husband ASK YOUR FATHER IF HE COULD ASK for your hand in marriage?"

 

That sounds like permission.

 

 

Ok-then what do you refer to this tradition as if not chatting with the father, asking permission, asking a blessing, etc. How can you make a poll that combines all these possibilities into one phrase?

 

I don't know if my husband literally asked "permission" but I answered the poll yes since I knew that he talked to my father about marrying me before he proposed. Neither my father nor I required this of him but he did it because he felt it was right. Should I have answered the poll as a no then?

 

My assumption of the OPs intent was a lot less literal than some are taking it-I assumed they were asking if your husband spoke with your father as part of the proposal process. Based on many of the yes answers I think lots of folks took it far less literally too.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

It wouldn't matter to me whether your dh "asked permission" or "sought his blessing", either way, it was okay for you, it wouldn't be okay for me.

 

It sounds like we both ended up with the dh that was right for us. :001_smile:

[ScoutTN]

My father died six years before we were married.

Besides, I was 35 when dh proposed and have been financially independant since I was 20.

My mom was the first person we told, though. :)

[ereks mom]

Yes, absolutely. Likewise, EK's future husband will be expected to request permission from dh.

[ereks mom]

I was 29, owned my place, etc and would not have married my husband if he had not been the kind of guy to honor my parents by asking them.

 

I think this is wonderful!

[gardenmom5]

Didn't read replies.

 

There was some YouTube thing a bit back where a girl's boyfriend made arrangments to have her see him ask her father in a "movie preview" at the theatre.

 

I guess it was supposed to be uber sweet or romantic or something.

 

I thought it was freaky weird icky nuts.

 

But hey. If that's what his girl wanted, kudos to him for doing whatever to make her happy.

 

the guy staging the "his being arrested at the traffic stop" proposal was uber freaky. (I think it was on funniest home videos' it wasn't funny). I couldn't imagine why the girl would say 'yes'. that is a run away from situation.

[mytwomonkeys]

yes

 

oddly enough, my husband (who doesn't drink at all) gave my dad a 12 pack of heineken beer too, lol. it's my dad's favorite. my BIL gave him a 6pack when he asked for my sister's hand in marriage....so my husband kinda stepped the game up. it really wasn't asking permission per se, just being respectful imho. i was 28 and could have married whoever i wanted, but my husband wanted to go that route & i appreciated the thoughtfulness of it.

Edited October 7, 2011 by mytwomonkeys

[Sue in WI]

I voted other. He asked both of my parents. He was more afraid of how my mom would react.:lol: They were both thrilled, and yes it was just a formality also.

[Excelsior! Academy]

I voted other because my dad didn't even meet my dh until after we were married.

[gardenmom5]

Well... I didn't say adults always make the right decisions. I just said they shouldn't ask permission to do adult things (like marry). If one marries a bozo, then, one has to live with the consequences of that just as one has to live with the consequences of any decisions one makes. Adults should be making their own decisions, and be allowed to make their own mistakes, too.

Oh, I agree adults shouldn't ask permission of a parent because they should be able to make their own decisions - it's just so many chronological adults make decisions frighteningly like children. . . . sigh.

 

so, I guess my quibble is - too many adults act like children.

[Momling]

No and I'm pretty sure my dad would have both laughed and said "you need to ask her yourself". We just don't roll that way in our family.

:iagree:

 

Exactly. It seems kind of absurd to me. I know it wasn't done that way by my parents... I doubt my grandmother and grandfather did either. I also think the idea of a woman waiting for a man to ask her to marry him rather than discussing the idea together it is kind of weird. And frankly, the idea that two people wouldn't live together before making such a big decision is also a little strange, though maybe more understandable...

[Laura Corin]

I proposed, so it would have been odd if Fiance had then talked to Father.

 

Laura

[Cassy]

so, I guess my quibble is - too many adults act like children.

 

Do you know, I think it is a childish thing. For me, when DH spoke to my mother, it felt a bit like when I was 5 years old, sending a letter to santa. It was all a magical time, just like the best Christmas ever. I was 33 years old, and at last someone wonderful wanted to marry me :D! It was fun, great fun. I know marriage is a serious business, but I think it's OK to do something for fun. Some things I just don't think too deeply about.

 

It's certainly not done my marriage any harm. I've now been very happily married for over 13 years to a man who has the deepest respect for all women.

 

Cassy

[justamouse]

No, we kinda told them. We did have a long talk with them, and we told them of our intentions, and Dh had long with Dad, but no, we would ahve done it with, or without their blessing. They DID give thier blessing, though.

[HS Mom in NC]

No. I walked down the aisle by myself by choice. I'm 38 and got married when I was 20. I'm not into tradition for the sake of tradition. Since I didn't need anyone's permission to marry, it seemed like something irrelevant to real life. I didn't care what anyone else thought, so it seemed insincere to me to ask. I have viewed my parents as peers most of my life because they're not the most adult minded people over 18.

I describe my family as a pack of lone wolves. We don't get into anyone's personal business unless we're invited or unless we have legal custody of a minor.

 

My parents had a volatile 8 years marriage before I was born. My father was an adulterer for almost all of it and a drunk the whole time. My mother decided to have a baby to "inspire him to be a better father and save the marriage." 11 months and 3 days after my brother was born I was born. My mother threw my father out when I was 7 days old due to one of his drunken rages.

 

For the first 3 years of my life my dad had supervised visitation. He sobered up by the time we were 4 and 5 for they typical 70s every other weekend visitation thing. He always paid his child support, was never late, went to every kid activity we had, and never drank more than an occasional beer after that. He was the typical "Disneyland Dad." By the time I turned 16 he had 3 divorces under his belt-my mother was his first wife.

 

I have never viewed him as anything other than a peer. My step-dad married my mother when I was 3 and worked nights "so we could stay married" my mother says. Another volatile relationship, but he's a stand up guy. I call him Dad too.

 

I didn't choose either of them to walk me down the aisle. They were both careful not to try to make me choose between each part of the broken family, and I wasn't going to choose between them on my wedding day.

[LMD]

No he didn't. I was engaged at 17, married at 18. But my father had long since lost any right to have a say in my life. My mum walked me down the aisle. He and dad did meet, once before the wedding, at our wedding, and I think once more in the last 9 years...

 

ETA - he didn't ask mum either, her answer would have been a resounding "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO", but she was a multiple times divorcee terrified for me!

[the evolving homemaker]

lololololololololololololol...ah...yeah no. my husband did not ask. lololololololololololololol ahh. although i think it would be sweet if i was super close to either of my dad's. alas, one is pretty non-existent, and the other...well we had out ups and downs. if i had a fabulous relationship with my dad, i think the old fashion sense of it is sweet.

[dcjlkplus3]

He did not and does not "get" why he would have.

He would have asked even if the answer was no, so it seemed pointless to ask, when you would only go with what you wanted to hear.

 

It'll be interesting to see if that changes as daddy to 2 girls :D.

[annandatje]

He did not and does not "get" why he would have.

He would have asked even if the answer was no, so it seemed pointless to ask, when you would only go with what you wanted to hear.:D.

 

Exactly. To ask for either permission or blessing indicates that asker probably is expecting a positive affirmation. If a couple cannot confidently reach a decision about marriage on their own, maybe they are not ready to marry. Do people really ask for blessing when they expect a negative response?

 

I do not expect other adults, parents included, to "bless" my life decisions about marriage, cohabitation, homeschooling, or any number of lifestyle choices. However, they do need to respect the decisions.

 

If a couple felt the need for advice or input from other important adults in their life, then wouldn't the time for such advice be BEFORE they developed the intent to marry?

Edited October 7, 2011 by annandatje

[Audrey]

Oh, I agree adults shouldn't ask permission of a parent because they should be able to make their own decisions - it's just so many chronological adults make decisions frighteningly like children. . . . sigh.

 

so, I guess my quibble is - too many adults act like children.

 

:iagree: Absolutely!!

[Janie Grace]

Sort of... I guess dh more just told my dad he was going to propose and wanted his blessing. My dad was surprised and uncomfortable and said something about us being sensible adults and he was sure we could make a good decision.

 

Basically, my dh is traditional and was raised with the idea that asking for a woman's hand is a way to respect her dad. He was young and didn't overthink it; he just did what he had always expected he'd do.

 

My dad was relatively uninvolved in my life and is very liberal/feminist. So I think it struck him as weird. But he has grown to really love dh, so he probably looks back on it with amused affection.

[LittleIzumi]

Yes, dh asked my father for permission to marry me. He would have married me anyway if my dad said no. Dh said if he had any feelings that my dad would have said no, no way would he have asked! Heck no. :lol:

[Hwin]

As far as I know, he did not ask. I was 19 and we were living together. We had already had conversations where I had been a bit snarky about women who take their husbands' names, so I think he understood quite well that I would have been offended.

 

Now that I've mellowed with age, I see where it can be a sweet gesture. (If all is well and the fiance-to-be can 100% expect to get the future-father-in-law's blessing...)

[redsquirrel]

ask my father for permission? :lol:

 

My parents don't give me permission to do or not to do anything. I am an adult who makes her own decisions, and has to take responsibility for herself. And if my partner had done such an thing, he prob would have been shown the door for making such an assumption.

 

But, thanks for the laugh! I can't stop giggling just imagining the looks on faces.

 

Why would it be a father who gives permission? Why not mother or both parents?

[linguistmama]

No, dh didn't ask my dad. My dad would have been surprised and said that dh was asking the wrong person :)

 

DH was worried that my parents would think badly of him, he's from Mexico and didn't have a high paying job. He was worried they wouldn't think he was good enough for me. DH asked me what I would do if they told me not to marry him. I told him it wouldn't matter, I was an adult. My parents didn't meet dh until the day before the wedding. DH made a very cute speech to them about how much he loved me and looked forward to building my dreams etc. My parents were beaming at the end. DH wasn't going to ask permission, but the speech was a way to show them that he understood how much they cared about their daughter and wanted her to be happy.

[Woodhaven]

My father was deceased, so he asked my mom.

[jar7709]

No, DH didn't ask. We don't roll that way in our family either. DH and I had been dating a while and he worked for Dad for a few months before we got engaged, and unbeknownst to me, Dad had been talking about us to other relatives for *months* during that time, saying he hoped DH would propose to me, since he was such a good guy! :lol: I didn't find this out until some guests at the wedding told me. So there's a running joke in our 11-year marriage that DH was "pre-approved" by my dad.

[BarbecueMom]

DH asked my then-12-year-old brother, somewhat as a joke, since he's the "man of the house" (parents never married). His response was something along the lines of: "Gosh yes, please, take her! Quickly! No returns or refunds, either!" :tongue_smilie:

[jjins]

My husband did ask for my hand in marriage, but only after I told him that I would marry him... as if he had any doubts!

 

Anyways, asking my Dad was more about respecting him. Dad spoke with me and I told him, "surely, you told him yes." He laughed with me and told me that DH could only have my hand in marriage if I wanted him too, but otherwise Dad was going to put his foot down and say NO.

 

Love my dad and my husband. Both very great men who have filled some wonderful spots in my life!

[lionfamily1999]

:001_huh: I almost wish I would've been offensive in my initial response. I mean, the yes responders seem so behind in vitriol. I think it's juvenile to hop into a thread where a large portion has answered yes and then gurgle with laughter while making offensive comments in their direction... but that's just me ;)

 

Plus...I don't know...I don't see marriage as solely about the dh & dw. I mean...if you're going to raise kids together, BE part of the family you come from (assuming all's good there), it makes sense to include them to a degree on the decision. And...unless there's good reason, why would they say no? I only see good coming from talking to family first. :001_smile:

:iagree:

 

I posted already, but just wanted to add that my husband "asked" my dad because it is tradition, and in our families it was a sign of respect and not offensive or laughable.

 

I don't think following this tradition implies that we believe women are chattel or the property of their fathers. Not anymore than my father "giving me away" at the wedding ceremony. Sure, these traditions are rooted in a patriarchal family structure. And I have no problem with folks who choose not to honor these traditions in their own families. But, there are MANY traditions today, rooted in unsavory practices in the past, that just don't mean that today.

:iagree:

I also think it a stretch, and a large one, to say that a man who does do this does not respect women.

 

I voted "no," but my father was never a part of my life and died when I was in high school. If he had been alive and actually around, I would have liked for my DH to ask. It isn't about granting permission, for me, it's about getting a blessing. Like a pp said, if your family is close knit, I think it does well to know what they feel about such a monumental decision.

:iagree:

And I don't think the usual disclaimers include it being acceptable to call the folks who have kept this tradition "juvenile" and imply that none of them are capable of adult decisions. That can also be far from the truth.

:iagree:

[Aquinas Academy]

No, but he did ask me if he should ask my father. I told him he better not because I didn't think dad would say, "yes".

[kalanamak]

I would have been offended as well.

 

I wouldn't have been offended, but I would have thought we were seriously mismatched. It would not bode well for a lasting marriage. I'm down on wives as chattel and I loathe romance. Ugh, gack, puke, puke.

 

And now, after dealing with I don't know how many women who are on the verge of hospitalization due to emotional (and often financial) or physical trauma after a Really Romantic Guy turned into a monster of violence or selfishness or lying once married, I find romantic men terrifying. Or, as one friend put it, "the sweeter the come-on, the faster they are out the door."

[YLVD]

Uh, no..I find that crazy, tbh

 

I'm a grown woman. I'm not married now but I was once married. If a man did that, I honestly wouldn't marry him. He wouldn't know me at all and I'm not property.

[YLVD]

ask my father for permission? :lol:

 

My parents don't give me permission to do or not to do anything. I am an adult who makes her own decisions, and has to take responsibility for herself. And if my partner had done such an thing, he prob would have been shown the door for making such an assumption.

 

But, thanks for the laugh! I can't stop giggling just imagining the looks on faces.

 

Why would it be a father who gives permission? Why not mother or both parents?

 

:iagree:

 

I think that the whole notion is ridiculous. But as an aside, the fact that it's always the father bothers me.

[YLVD]

I don't understand why you would be offended. My husband called my parents living in Europe to ask my dad. I think it showed a sign of respect for my parents. I don't know why anyone would be offended over that, I think it is sweet and honorable.

 

Because I'm an adult and not the property of my father. That's why.

[IsabelC]

We discussed the idea of doing this when we first discussed marriage. We decided that since my father's opinion wasn't going to be the deciding factor (ie, we would still marry if he said no), there wasn't any point asking him. (And yeah, patriarchy! I'm not sure I could have married a man who insisted that asking my father was necessary.)

[pqr]

I asked, as a matter of courtesy and respect for the man who did such a magnificent job of raising my wife.

 

Truth be told the answer may have been irrelevant but courtesy is never irrelevant.

 

As to my children, I would expect to be asked.

 

If a potential son in law decided to disregard tradition, demonstrate limited to no respect (in my eyes) for my role; so be it. At that point I could no more answer for my daughter than I can make the sun stop.

 

Of course were he to show such disdain for my values and traditions I would feel no obligation to uphold other minor traditions.....such as being financially responsible for the wedding!

[KidsHappen]

My hubby didn't even ask me for my hand in marriage. Somehow, we just ended up married.