Moral support needed, daughter keeps running out of gas -lol

[74Heaven]

My 19yo daughter has moved home from a disastrous (academically) first year of college. She broke all our rules which were part of a signed contract for second semester (to have a second chance) in terms of not studying, not turning things in, etc. When she got home in early May, we said (lovingly, nicely) sign this agreement or find another place to live. The last 18mo of you lying to us and treating us disrespectfully are over. We did all this calmly and lovingly. My dh and I had talked it over, prayed. She needed to obey our rules, be respectful, be treated like and adult & act like an adult. She understood fairly well, signed & things have for the most part, been going *extremely* well.

 

Things are 200% better than last summer. We've told her she breaks the rules, she loses the adult privileges and the car. She can ride her bike to work (20 miles, mostly flat, RT - no highway). She has ridden her bike 3x when we did take the car away for texting while driving & not doing chores - this about 2 weeks ago.

 

She has siad repeatedly (calmly) she wants to be independent. We've explained what that means. She has a start on money problems already and needs to pay her debts (overdrafts, $300 college bookstore charges (NOT books but sweatshirts, etc.), & $200ish early termination fee for reneging on her cell phone contract.

 

She got paid one week ago today & spent $150 in 5 days on clothes, make up, Starbucks and fastfood. We encouraged her constantly to save money for gas as she drives a lot.

 

Last summer, she ran out 4-5x and we gave her money, brought her gas and rescued her every time with continual reminders to plan better, etc. She would run out of gas AT work or AT the lake with us or ON the side of the road where we didn't have a lot of choices but to get the car home (not left out for vandals or getting towed away) with gas we bought.

 

This get paid/spend all money is an exact replica of last summer...

 

Here's why I need moral support. We found out she blew thru her paycheck last weekend. (There is no drugs/alcohol problems. Just fast food and clothes and junk food.) After I told her 5x in the past few days not to get in the car & drive to work unless she has enough gas to get there & back. Last night she got $20 bday money in the mail and I reminded her again last night and this morning (& they were my last words to her this morning as she was standing in the garage), along with her assurances to me that she had enough to get to the gas station (7 miles away at the highway).

 

You guessed it. She ran out of gas about 1/2 mile from the gas station and called me. I told her nicely that she'd be on her own - "you assured me you had enough gas to make it". And I said, "here's what to do: Walk to the gas station, buy a gas can & get gas and walk back to your car and put the gas in." She complained that her $20 would not be enough for the extra expense of a gas can but I told her that was her choice.

 

Here's background, a week ago yesterday (Tues, June 14), she ran out of gas on the way to work & I took the *full* 5gal can from home & filled her up at the highway. I was kind, nonjudgmental and matter of fact. Later, I told her that was your only "Mom & Dad come save me, I ran out of gas pass" for this summer - and she'd used it up. She was 20min late for work. (a whole 'nother layer to her problems story) When she got paid, she re-filled the home gas can up at my continual reminders.

 

Then, 2 days ago, w/o permission, she took that gas can and put it all in her car. I only found out because I went looking for that gas can to put the gas in *my* car and found it empty again. I was very upset & I told her so & told her she had no right to use that gas w/o permission because it was for household use (i.e. lawnmowers, etc.) & that it effectively was stealing. I told her she had spent her gas money - and it was wrong of her to come and spend our money on her gas. She first said, "but *I* put the gas in that can. It was mine" and acted surprised when I told her that she was replacing "our" gas - it was never hers. I didn't like the playing dumb.

 

I felt awful refusing to help her this morning. BUT I felt she needed to be a big girl and learn the lesson to spend her money more wisely. That driving a car means you are responsible enough to make sure you don't run out of gas. That spending all your gas money before payday = riding your bike.

 

Btw, she just texted me that she was at work. That she had done what I had advised (walked and got gas from the gas station)

 

So, send me some moral support, lol.

 

Lisa j

[gardening momma]

You did the right thing.

 

Maybe you could suggest to her that she buy a 5 gallon gas can, fill it up, and keep it in the garage (marked with her name).

[Mabeline]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Moral support, moral support, moral support.

[Julie Smith]

Sounds like a tough think to deal with. Good for you to try to fix her money problems now.

[meggie]

You did the right thing. As long as you stay consistent, she'll learn.

 

ETA: Oh and I wouldn't leave a gas can in the garage with her name on it; she'll still expect mommy and daddy to come bail her out with it. To really learn the lesson, she'll have to take care of everything herself. Just my opinion.

[prairiewindmomma]

Is it her car or your car? If it's your car, I'd take it away from her. Honestly. She's putting it at risk running out of gas and potentially leaving the car alongside the road. I'd require upfront money proving she has enough for gas before I'd lend it back.

 

I think you are going to have to show some tough love. :grouphug: She's not doing bad things (drugs, alcohol, partying, etc.) but she's not showing responsibility either.

 

I think she also needs to show you a plan for how she's going to get out of debt and save for the future...in writing.

 

You might also recommend a AAA membership. My sister also went through the running out of gas thing several years ago. AAA would bring her gas. ;)

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Good thing it is summer. She can get some wonderful exercise riding her bike to work and saving up for her own car.

 

:grouphug:

[Impish]

Good thing it is summer. She can get some wonderful exercise riding her bike to work and saving up for her own car.

 

:grouphug:

:iagree: She would have completely lost driving last summer.

[OLG]

Excellent parenting! Keep up the good work, no matter how much it drives you up a wall:D

[mhgillil]

:grouphug: That sounds like a really tough situation and I think you are handling it well.

[In The Great White North]

If she ran out of gas and called a tow truck, it would cost her $200.

 

How about demanding a $200 deposit before she drives again? And charging her $200 when you have to bring gas out to her?

 

If she does the AAA thing, and has to wait by the side of the road for hours (like I did - not for gas) she may decide to buy gas ahead of time.

 

I thought it ruined fuel injectors to run they dry?

[pamela&claire]

I think you did the right thing. She is being irresponsible. Maybe get her this http://www.daveramsey.com/store/prodgsg.html?ictid=lm1.pub.gsg

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

You are absolutely doing the right thing. If you keep bailing her out you will eventually be enabling the behaviors. You DON'T want to do that!

 

 

 

First I would get this and go through it with her. Then I would get this and go through it with her. Get it all, the book, the workbook and the journal! Teenagers will do this from time to time but its how we deal with it that will make or break them in their adult life-- now, that being said- some need more than this but this will be a GREAT way for you and your dh to show her one on one how to deal with money in a loving, non judgmental way.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Stand strong. You're doing good. And if you have to rescue because of danger to the car or you, you get the keys to the car until she can pay you a rescue fee ( it doesn't have to be much).

[lynn]

Good thing it is summer. She can get some wonderful exercise riding her bike to work and saving up for her own car.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[UnsinkableKristen]

Great job - and doing it all calmly and respectfully is awesome.

 

I can only hope that when mine are teenagers that I can help them like this. It's so much better to walk them through the steps of being an adult than to just let them stay irresponsible forever.

[KatieJ]

You are doing the right thing..she would have lost all driving priviledges in my car a long time ago. If her bike gets her to work, then that is what she should be taking. Hang in there Mom..it's rough, but she has to learn.

 

We do have towing insurance rather cheaply on our vehicles, much cheaper than AAA. ( less than 10.00 per 6 months). You can call a two truck to bring you gas. You have to pay for the tow bill at the time, but you get reimbursed. Our kids used it a few times when we owned an 81 Chevy that was a beast to start and they flooded it routinely. After they were stranded and had to wait for the tow truck, and then paid the tow bill several times, which challenged their checkbook, they learned the proper way to start it.

[gardening momma]

You did the right thing. As long as you stay consistent, she'll learn.

 

ETA: Oh and I wouldn't leave a gas can in the garage with her name on it; she'll still expect mommy and daddy to come bail her out with it. To really learn the lesson, she'll have to take care of everything herself. Just my opinion.

No, I said she (the daughter) should buy the gas can, fill it herself, and keep it in the garage. She'd be responsible for refilling it after she uses it.

Edited June 22, 2011 by gardening momma

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

Great job - and doing it all calmly and respectfully is awesome.

 

I can only hope that when mine are teenagers that I can help them like this. It's so much better to walk them through the steps of being an adult than to just let them stay irresponsible forever.

 

 

 

:iagree: Dd just turned 13 and we are taking her through Money Matters for Teens (the first book) and will be continuing from now on, I might start with my dd who will be 10 with money matters for kids just to nip it in the bud...

[PinkInTheBlue]

Wow, great job Mom! God give me the strength to be strong when/if I need to be.

[dangermom]

Cars really don't like running out of gas--a fuel injection system can develop problems when it runs out. I'd have her ask a mechanic to explain it to her, and then tell her that she has to destroy her own car, not yours.

[justamouse]

I admire your calm demeanor through this. :grouphug:

[BatmansWife]

:grouphug:

 

You did the right thing.

 

Sounds like dd needs to start pedaling to work again.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Good thing it is summer. She can get some wonderful exercise riding her bike to work and saving up for her own car.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

 

 

:iagree:

[kiwi3129]

You are absolutely doing the right thing, although I'm sure it's hard. Reading through the previous posts, it looks like you've received a lot of great advice. I don't have anything to add to it except :grouphug:.

 

Kim

[Sputterduck]

It sounds like it's loooooooong past time to let her handle the consequences she brings on herself. I'm confused about why you would feel guilty about that.

 

Have you explained to her how running out of gas can harm a vehicle? Doing it multiple times, well, let's just say that if it were my child she would not be driving a car of mine again until she had bought one herself and learned to use it without damaging it.

 

Sometimes kids need things explained to them in a manner commensurate with the harm/damage/problem they are causing. I think by explaining everything calmly all the time you have given her the impression that nothing is really that big of a deal.

Edited June 22, 2011 by Sputterduck

[twoforjoy]

I think you absolutely did the right thing.

 

I wonder if there are some underlying issues going on with her that need to be addressed? From what you say, it sounds like maybe her forgetfulness/impulsiveness/poor decision-making is more than just typical teenage irresponsibility.

 

Maybe not, and in any case you did the right thing, but my first thought reading the post was that maybe she had ADHD or another issue, because it sounds like she has patterns of really poor decision-making and impulsive behavior. I can understand your car running out of gas once, but when it's happening several times in a period of a few weeks, that seems deeper than just normal teenager irresponsibility to me.

[scrapbookbuzz]

Lisa, being a parent is TOUGH, no matter the age. No, we don't always like how we feel when we discipline our kids but our job is to TRAIN, and to be their PARENT, not their friend. When she grows up (as she obviously needs to) she will then appreciate the tough love.

 

Hang in there, girl! You did the right thing!

 

I would only add that telling her ONCE, and making sure she acknowledged what you said, is sufficient. As a legal adult, she should not, and by most others will not, be told multiple times to get a job done. If she does this on a paid job, she will be fired.

[OH_Homeschooler]

I also think you did the right thing.

 

But I have a question...what else could she do this morning if she was heading right for the gas station when she ran out of gas? A half mile really isn't that far and she probably really thought she would make it. This is a good lesson for her regardless, but I also wonder if there was anything else she could have done to prevent this from happening at the point where you reminded her to fill up.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I would also (try) to do a math lesson with her! It sounds like she has a poor idea of how far a gallon of gas goes. She should know how big the gas tank is, how many MPG the car gets, as well as how many miles she averages per week.

 

I agree with her learning about the damage running a car low can cause. At the very least, it can destroy the fuel pump.

[Mrs Mungo]

I think you did the right thing. She is being irresponsible. Maybe get her this http://www.daveramsey.com/store/prodgsg.html?ictid=lm1.pub.gsg

 

You are absolutely doing the right thing. If you keep bailing her out you will eventually be enabling the behaviors. You DON'T want to do that!

 

 

 

First I would get this and go through it with her. Then I would get this and go through it with her. Get it all, the book, the workbook and the journal! Teenagers will do this from time to time but its how we deal with it that will make or break them in their adult life-- now, that being said- some need more than this but this will be a GREAT way for you and your dh to show her one on one how to deal with money in a loving, non judgmental way.

 

Cars really don't like running out of gas--a fuel injection system can develop problems when it runs out. I'd have her ask a mechanic to explain it to her, and then tell her that she has to destroy her own car, not yours.

 

I agree with all of these things.

 

1. Have a mechanic explain to her that is messes up the car.

 

2. Go through a budgeting book with her. Figure out what her gas mileage is, how far she drives to and from work, the lake, etc and how much her gas budget should be.

 

I wonder if there are some underlying issues going on with her that need to be addressed? From what you say, it sounds like maybe her forgetfulness/impulsiveness/poor decision-making is more than just typical teenage irresponsibility.

 

Maybe not, and in any case you did the right thing, but my first thought reading the post was that maybe she had ADHD or another issue, because it sounds like she has patterns of really poor decision-making and impulsive behavior. I can understand your car running out of gas once, but when it's happening several times in a period of a few weeks, that seems deeper than just normal teenager irresponsibility to me.

 

I agree with this.

 

My first car did not have a working gas gauge so I have *always* been paranoid about gas, I think I've only run out once in my life. *But* I was really bad about locking my keys in my car when I was younger. I had terrible dreams about locking my baby in the car when I was pregnant with my first dd. So, I started locking the car door from the outside.

 

My routine worked *until* I went through this period where ds started taking his shoes off in the car *and* eldest started locking the car door while we were getting out. I would lay the keys down in the floor, put his shoes on, get him out of the car, shut the door, realize my keys were still in the floor and dd had locked it. I locked my keys in my car 6 times in a 4 week period. Dh finally had a keyless entry system installed on my car for $100. :tongue_smilie:

 

Sudden changes are hard for people with ADD to adjust to. You come up with systems, routines, ways to make your life work. When something is *new*, it can be very tough. I carried my college schedule in my backpack *every day* so that I didn't forget any classes.

[AuntieM]

You did the right thing. She survived. Now to present a bill for the gas in the can she appropriated...

[kht2006]

My parent's rule was you have to keep the tank above half (better for gas milage). If they noticed the tank below half, I lost my driving privlidges. (not that I loved that rule...) I still keep my tank above half.

[twoforjoy]

When something is *new*, it can be very tough. I carried my college schedule in my backpack *every day* so that I didn't forget any classes.

 

This is the kind of thing I was thinking of, because of the gas situation coupled with the difficulty she's having studying, turning in assignments, etc. It sounds to me like maybe she could use some direct help in learning to set up systems/routines for managing things.

[Joanne]

She has siad repeatedly (calmly) she wants to be independent. We've explained what that means. She has a start on money problems already and needs to pay her debts (overdrafts, $300 college bookstore charges (NOT books but sweatshirts, etc.), & $200ish early termination fee for reneging on her cell phone contract.

 

She got paid one week ago today & spent $150 in 5 days on clothes, make up, Starbucks and fastfood. We encouraged her constantly to save money for gas as she drives a lot.

 

Last summer, she ran out 4-5x and we gave her money, brought her gas and rescued her every time with continual reminders to plan better, etc. She would run out of gas AT work or AT the lake with us or ON the side of the road where we didn't have a lot of choices but to get the car home (not left out for vandals or getting towed away) with gas we bought.

 

This get paid/spend all money is an exact replica of last summer...

 

Here's why I need moral support. We found out she blew thru her paycheck last weekend. (There is no drugs/alcohol problems. Just fast food and clothes and junk food.) After I told her 5x in the past few days not to get in the car & drive to work unless she has enough gas to get there & back. Last night she got $20 bday money in the mail and I reminded her again last night and this morning (& they were my last words to her this morning as she was standing in the garage), along with her assurances to me that she had enough to get to the gas station (7 miles away at the highway).

 

 

 

Not only do you have my support for today's boundary, I'd encourage you to be more firm. I'd require room and board. I'd stop the reminding about gas, and the reminding about budget.

 

I'd create a room and board figure, and if she doesn't pay it, in full and on time, she needs to find another place to live.

 

If the car is not *hers*, I'd charge a fee for wear and tear when she does run out of gas.

 

Also, a choice to buy fast food, clothes and makeup but not pay off bookstore, NSF and other debts such as cell phone makes the live in my house contract void, also.

 

You want to be independent, sweet daughter? Ok. Welcome to the real world.

[WishboneDawn]

Btw, she just texted me that she was at work. That she had done what I had advised (walked and got gas from the gas station)

 

 

 

Perfect. This is what adults have to do. You did a great job. :)

[Joyofsixreboot]

You were RIGHT!

[AuntieM]

Can you require (suggest, ask) that she have her paychecks direct deposited to a checking account? And be sure she doesn't have a debit card, since that makes spending super easy.

 

I don't know if I'm too strict, but if I were allowing her to live under my roof, she would have to agree to have checks cosigned by me and put on a small cash allowance until her debts are paid. I see that as very serious - that she's spending money on fast food and clothes while she is in debt. Does she intend to ever pay those bills, or does she think it's okay to not pay them? Does she want to start her adult life with a stinky credit rating?

[NorthwestMom]

Boundaries build kids into strong, competent adults. Endlessly rescuing kids from mistakes creates weak, dependent adults. You are doing GREAT!!!!! Keep it up!

[happyhomemaker25]

I just need to say I am writing this stuff down. I really think you handled it well. As a mom of younger kids (some not so much younger anymore) I'm taking these ideas to the bank, because I have a feeling some of my kids are going to end up just like this.

[grace'smom]

I was just thinking of how scared I was when my car broke down once at night on a highway. I was a teenager, and I had to walk in the dark about 3 miles to the nearest store to find a phone while cars kept pulling over to offer me a ride (it was always just one male in the car so I certainly wasn't going to get in the car with any of them). I would NEVER have let my car run out of gas. Ever.

 

But cell phones enable people to worry less about things like that...

[Haiku]

Were it me, I would remind dd that you are doing her a favor by letting her live at home when she a) bombed out of college and b) continues to abuse your generosity. I would hand her an apartment guide and let her know that her choice is to shape up or move out. If the car were not bought and paid for by her (including insurance), I would rescind car privileges. If she doesn't pay rent, I'd start charging rent.

 

Honestly, a 19 year old is too old to be grounded for not doing her chores. She's a full-on adult, and she can either show her appreciation of you providing her a place to live or move out. Blowing her paycheck on frivolities and not being able to pay her bills is childish and immature, and were it my kid I'd tell her she could behave that way on her own dime (i.e., in her own, paid-for-by-herself place). I have a 17 year old dd, and I wouldn't let her set that type of example for my younger kids.

 

But then again, I am mean.

 

Tara

Edited June 23, 2011 by TaraTheLiberator

[Aubrey]

I didn't run out of gas *a ton* when I was a teen, but some time around 19-21, I realized that gas cost the same if I kept my car on full or empty. Actually, as prices went up, it was often cheaper to keep it on full. This was *huge* for me. :lol: Might help your dd, too.

 

For a long time now, I've switched my E from E to 1/2. Of course, walking to a gas station w/ 4 dc is also a compelling reason not to run out of gas. :lol:

[bbsweetpea]

I didn't run out of gas *a ton* when I was a teen, but some time around 19-21, I realized that gas cost the same if I kept my car on full or empty. Actually, as prices went up, it was often cheaper to keep it on full. This was *huge* for me. :lol: Might help your dd, too.

 

For a long time now, I've switched my E from E to 1/2. Of course, walking to a gas station w/ 4 dc is also a compelling reason not to run out of gas. :lol:

 

This was going to be my suggestion. I only ran out one time in my life. I actually put a sticker on my dash at the halfway mark with a big E. Once it gets there I fill up to full. This keeps me safe.

 

However with your situation I am not sure if it will help your DD or not. Hopefully her trek this morning taught her a huge lesson.

[Tarreymere]

Not only do you have my support for today's boundary, I'd encourage you to be more firm. I'd require room and board. I'd stop the reminding about gas, and the reminding about budget.

 

I'd create a room and board figure, and if she doesn't pay it, in full and on time, she needs to find another place to live.

 

If the car is not *hers*, I'd charge a fee for wear and tear when she does run out of gas.

 

Also, a choice to buy fast food, clothes and makeup but not pay off bookstore, NSF and other debts such as cell phone makes the live in my house contract void, also.

 

You want to be independent, sweet daughter? Ok. Welcome to the real world.

 

:iagree:

 

I endured this kind of behavior from two of my adult daughters. It lasted until DH and I gave them six months to save money, buy a car and find an apartment. One of the last straws for us was when they took my car without permission (again) and ran it out of gas on a rural road, didn't tell me about it and the car was towed and impounded. I made them pay for it and they were furious! Of course it was my fault they ran out of gas since it was my car, right? They were both adults working full time and were quite close and planned to move in together. Six months later neither of them had saved a dime, neither had a car, and neither had any plans. So, adios girls!

 

They hissed and spit, but they did move their things in with a friend who wanted to help them out since we were so mean. Of course that did not end well.....but over time they did learn to accept financial responsibility for themselves and got straightened out. They have made mistakes but no really big ones. They are both married with kids now, and it cracks me up to hear them talk about bargain hunting and comparison shopping. This from the kid with the minimum wage job who needed $200 shoes....... :lol:

[74Heaven]

:iagree: Six months later neither of them had saved a dime, neither had a car, and neither had any plans. So, adios girls!

 

They hissed and spit, but they did move their things in with a friend who wanted to help them out since we were so mean. Of course that did not end well.....but over time they did learn to accept financial responsibility for themselves and got straightened out. They have made mistakes but no really big ones. They are both married with kids now, and it cracks me up to hear them talk about bargain hunting and comparison shopping. This from the kid with the minimum wage job who needed $200 shoes....... :lol:

 

I read *all* the responses and wanted to try to address the questions and comments. First an update!

 

Daughter came home today after work and other than a few whines about her new $12 gas can, a few rolled eyes (mild, not great but not over dramatic) about our "responsible adults do not run out of gas 3x in one week" comments (highway rescue, gas taken from our gas can, today's run-out), she seemed to not be upset in any way about today's gas crisis. (Oh, after she txted me that she was at work and got the gas - I txted her back "I am proud of you for solving your crisis." She txted back, "Thanks?"

 

Tomorrow is her day off and 19th bday. So then she said to her dad (birthday breakfast tradition with Dad that they had been discussing for a few days...), "Dad, I am not sure I have enough gas to get to town tomorrow for our breakfast. I have a check from Grandma to cash in town, so once I get there I'll have money. Can you drive me to breakfast, then take me back home again, then drive back to town for you (Dad) to go to work?" (Dad had been debriefed on the whole day and he said, "No. We'll just have to wait to go in to breakfast when you have enough gas to get there." Daughter tried to make few mild attempts at acting like "he" was canceling her birthday breakfast. Dad just fired back a rather gruff, "No, you are the one who spent your gas money."

 

I think she may have learned something.

 

I want to just really quickly state that things are dramatically improved from the previous 2 years with her. So much better, I can hardly believe it! Personally, I think there are 2 major factors in addition to God's love and grace. 1) She is slowly growing more mature and 2) I have moved out of the line-of-fire by letting her be in charge of her own problems - not me.

 

So, on to the questions:

1) Car is 20yo and there is no electronic fuel injection or damage to the car being run out of gas. Husband confirmed this and says it isn't bad for car.

 

2) Yes, daughter has ADHD, diagnosed about age 15. Daughter does not take her meds and hasn't for over a year - tho she has meds and I took her to doctor 10mo ago and got a 2mo supply. Main reason she doesn't take them: she "forgets". At this point, that is her choice - her consequences. Related note, (Mrs. Mungo I think), daughter refuses to get organized other than in little baby steps. I've been harping on this unsuccessfully for 2-3 years!!!

 

3) I love the Dave Ramsey Teen manual idea. I have another teen or two who would benefit. I will look into it. And may require it as a family summer study.

 

4) Daughter is *not* teachable right now. It is improving, but all my good advice is not listened to and basically leads to frustration for me. I have incredible wisdom to share (because I have breathed oxygen in-and-out for 49 years - no other reason lol). She chooses not to listen 85% of the time.

 

5) I am determined not to argue with my daughter if there is a way to avoid it because I have found it worthless. Basically, a baseline of "do not engage"; "every thought need not be spoken"

 

6) Someone (Tara?) sugg. daughter is far too old to be reminded for chores. I agree. I will try to stop & let the consequences be no car. (Someone else said it is not good to have to keep "grounding" her by taking away the car when she is not doing chores - i.e. chore grounding is for 14-15yos, not 19yos. That has merit, but for now, I am willing to hold the car hostage - because when our relationship, daughter's attitude and everything else is so greatly improved, I don't want to tell her to move out over poor bathroom cleaning. If the poor chore-doing was on top of everything else, maybe. No chores = no car is working fairly well.) I will try to stop reminding!!!

 

7) I don't intend to have her pay rent. She is going to start paying $100 a month to get out of her chores (which consists solely of a weekly rotation of: kitchen, bathrooms or laundry). This is once again, a way for her & I to live together without the chores being a 3x/day problem. This worked well last summer.) I am not against rent for later or if she is not in school or planning to be in school.

 

8) I think my daughter's problems over the last year is partially due to immaturity. I will allow her to move out because that is her legal right. I will make her move out if she can't abide the rules. But we would like her to stay at home for a few more years to further help her to gain maturity in a safe, supportive environment. We think her living here is for her best.

 

9) Joanne's comment about making daughter pay her debts has me perplexed. OTOH, I agree. OTOH, I feel like that is a "separation" where she is an adult who has adult responsibilities - and as long as they don't affect me (altho they could, i.e. collector calls) she can handle them as she sees fit, even tho I don't approve. And just how "much" should our live-at-home agreement include - there's a lot on it already. Personally, I would *love* to see her pay those debts asap - def. before the wasted make up and Starbucks monies. Daughter "intends" to pay them she tells us. So if I *make her pay* her debts & she does because of our requirement, are we just doing more "enabling"? Do I put myself in the line-of-fire as in "I'm going to blame Mom that I have no money because Mom is making me pay these." (Now of course that is not logical - BUT our relationship is much smoother when Daughter can *not* blame me for anything because there is just no link.) I am NOT afraid to be the Parent; I am tired and I find our relationship (& thus my **influence** works much better when I am making nonjudgmental statements like, "So did you say a collection agency called your new boss to garnish your wages? Hmm." (& yes, I have warned her about this very thing; & we did give her a July 1 deadline to call her creditors to set up payment plans - and that is because of the past two blown paychecks.)

 

10) Thanks for the support on my being calm and reasonable. I was not calm and reasonable so much last year. I was angry and exasperated. A LOT. But there were 3 things some IRL people told me: 1) Daughter's problems are all self-induced; 2) When are you going to quit being surprised at what she does? and from my pastor 2 months ago, 3) When Daughter blames you, say, "So you're right, you don't have any money to live on your own. So how did it get to be that you have no money? (help daughter to see her own decisions forced the situation she is in)

 

11) Thank you, Rainefox, for telling me she could turn into a mature women some day!!!

 

12) I totally need to stop reminding my kids of things!! Grr, I say I have OAD - Obsessive Advice Disorder. (Anita Renfroe coined it in an interview after she recorded "I'm the Mom" (great youtube video) Can anybody help me??

 

So, those who are still with me - thanks so much again. I appreciated all the support and hugs. I needed it. The 40 minutes when I knew she was walking 1/2mile down the highway for gas and back - those were hard on me!

 

Lisaj, mom to 5

[Joanne]

9) Joanne's comment about making daughter pay her debts has me perplexed. OTOH, I agree. OTOH, I feel like that is a "separation" where she is an adult who has adult responsibilities - and as long as they don't affect me (altho they could, i.e. collector calls) she can handle them as she sees fit, even tho I don't approve. And just how "much" should our live-at-home agreement include - there's a lot on it already. Personally, I would *love* to see her pay those debts asap - def. before the wasted make up and Starbucks monies. Daughter "intends" to pay them she tells us. So if I *make her pay* her debts & she does because of our requirement, are we just doing more "enabling"? Do I put myself in the line-of-fire as in "I'm going to blame Mom that I have no money because Mom is making me pay these." (Now of course that is not logical - BUT our relationship is much smoother when Daughter can *not* blame me for anything because there is just no link.) I am NOT afraid to be the Parent; I am tired and I find our relationship (& thus my **influence** works much better when I am making nonjudgmental statements like, "So did you say a collection agency called your new boss to garnish your wages? Hmm." (& yes, I have warned her about this very thing; & we did give her a July 1 deadline to call her creditors to set up payment plans - and that is because of the past two blown paychecks.)

 

5

 

I wouldn't *make* her. You can't, anyway. I'd force the choice through my suggestion. I think you are spending too much time talking, "reminding", etc.

 

I'm not sure that not charging her room and board serves HER. I'd charge her and put it in a savings to give her when she moves out (but I wouldn't tell her that until she does move out, and only if she moves out in a productive mode.

 

I do understand the dynamic of major improvement. My oldest son improved dramatically over the past 1.5 years, but his behavior still required intervention, even when I didn't want to for fear of losing ground.

[Rhonda in TX]

Sudden changes are hard for people with ADD to adjust to. You come up with systems, routines, ways to make your life work. When something is *new*, it can be very tough. I carried my college schedule in my backpack *every day* so that I didn't forget any classes.

 

My thoughts exactly. It might be time to see if your DD has some underlying issues causing all this. Not to excuse it, but to help her learn some coping mechanisms. (this could also explain not turning things in at school and mismanaging her money)

[WishboneDawn]

They are both married with kids now, and it cracks me up to hear them talk about bargain hunting and comparison shopping. This from the kid with the minimum wage job who needed $200 shoes....... :lol:

 

You gave them good roots to return to. :)