OLD THREAD, IGNORE

[ktgrok]

I posted yesterday about how he wants to go to middle school next year. I really do understand that he wants to fit in. I just can't bring myself to let him go when I know he will be getting much less of an education. Also, his Aspergers is much improved with the extra time we spend together homeschooling. Plus, I hear horror stories about pregnant 6th graders, etc. I want at least one more year to get him better situated academically. We had to remediate back to WWE2 because of his working memory deficits. We are now seeing rapid progress, but I need next year to really get him on track with his memory and his writing. Not to mention that we only finished part of MM5 because we had to remediate in math too.

 

Tonight, upset about his friends going on a class trip to a theme park, he told me he hates me. He wants to go to public school so bad, at least right now. And he knows logically that he has it better homeschooling. He finishes quickly and is learning a lot, he gets a break midday and watches Dr. Who reruns, he gets to sleep in, etc. But none of that compares to being part of the crowd.

 

We are going to the FPEA conference tomorrow. Please pray that he has some fun, or is inspired, or somehow sees the benefits of homeschooling. It is breaking my heart to have him hurt like this.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

When I was a teen, I must have told my mom I hated her (at least!!!) once a week for years. We are very close now. I talk to her on the phone every day, and we visit twice a month, plus the entire summer and all holidays.

 

I know, not much consolation for NOW, but, this too shall pass.

[kristinannie]

I don't have any advice for you, but I will pray for your family.

[Janie Grace]

He doesn't hate you. He is just trying to get what he wants. You, his mom, know better what is best for him than he does (at the wise old age of 11!). It's called being the parent. All kids buck about something -- you're doing great. I bet he'll thank you someday. :grouphug:

[SonshineLearner]

Really sorry.... situations like this stink :( Hopefully it'll be better tomorrow :(

[QueenCat]

Although I wouldn't put him back in ps for the reasons he wants, I would look for ways to give him some of the social experiences he is desiring. Perhaps through a homeschool group that does field trips? We created a group just for teens a couple of years ago, and it has been wonderful. Just an idea, from someone who gets the Asperger issues as my younger ds has AS.

[Sputterduck]

First of all, telling you he hates you is a discipline issue and not acceptable.

 

Do you have any homeschooling groups around you? You know, at least while you transfer away from the idea that he needs to fit in. Maybe get him new friends where fitting in includes homeschooling.

 

My main strategy would be to make homeschooling waaaaay cooler than PS. You know, so he has things to make his friends tell him he is so lucky. I'd take mine to a theme park 3 months is a row if I had to. lol Yeah, it's not cheap, but it's worth the money output temporarily to help him think he's fortunate. Mine still talks about going to Magic Mountain 2 years ago for homeschool days. :) Can you find other homeschooled boys his age to do something neat like laser tag or paintball during the day? I would make sure to point out that he's lucky he's not in school so he can have the time to do so. :)

[Liz CA]

You are the Mom - even when your choice is not popular, stick with what you know is best for him. Years from now he may ask you why you gave in when he realizes that he received an inferior education - inferior to what could have been, anyway.

I'd find other outlets and fun groups to join. Evidently he is craving some group activities. This can be accomplished in many ways.

[ktgrok]

First of all, telling you he hates you is a discipline issue and not acceptable.

 

Do you have any homeschooling groups around you? You know, at least while you transfer away from the idea that he needs to fit in. Maybe get him new friends where fitting in includes homeschooling.

 

My main strategy would be to make homeschooling waaaaay cooler than PS. You know, so he has things to make his friends tell him he is so lucky. I'd take mine to a theme park 3 months is a row if I had to. lol Yeah, it's not cheap, but it's worth the money output temporarily to help him think he's fortunate. Mine still talks about going to Magic Mountain 2 years ago for homeschool days. :) Can you find other homeschooled boys his age to do something neat like laser tag or paintball during the day? I would make sure to point out that he's lucky he's not in school so he can have the time to do so. :)

 

I just remembered, Disney does homeschool days!!!! I will go look at that now!

[ktgrok]

I should clarify that we are trying to find more kids that are homeschooled for him to hang out with. The problem is that everyone seems older or younger. He wants kids around his age. I started up a middle school group just a month ago, for this reason. So far we have half a dozen families, but only two have come to the meetings. He does like those kids alot, but once a week isn't cutting it when he sees his public schooled friend every day.

 

I also just contacted the local skate park to see if they would host a homeschool class or event, that would really help.

[justamouse]

:grouphug:

 

No he doesn't, he's just pissed.

 

Praying you find the answers that work for you.

[QueenCat]

I started up a middle school group just a month ago, for this reason. So far we have half a dozen families, but only two have come to the meetings. He does like those kids alot, but once a week isn't cutting it when he sees his public schooled friend every day.

 

 

New groups take time to develop. And often go backwards before fully developing. And of course, it usually takes longer for our children with Aspergers to connect.

[Caitilin]

:grouphug:

 

No he doesn't, he's just pissed.

 

Praying you find the answers that work for you.

 

:iagree: And if it weren't this problem, it would be some other one. It's partly the age he is, and probably partly personality too, and like Mouse says, he's just mad because he perceives, PERCEIVES things as unfair, whether they are or not. Don't sweat it. Eventually, they do emerge from the grub stage.:D

:grouphug:, mama.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I hope he is able to work through his disappointment.

 

This may be totally wrong for your situation, but I'll say it anyway.

 

I've been watching too much coverage from the Joplin tornado. There are several kids still missing. I've hugged my son about a thousand times today. In the long term, having your son say he hates you is much better than not knowing his whereabouts for days after a catastrophic event. If my son said he hated me I probably snap back with something maybe not appropriate, maybe something like, "Great, you hate me. That means you still feel something toward me and we have a chance to work it out tomorrow. There are many families that don't have that hope tonight. I love you, even if you don't like me very much right now." I'd probably say it right in his face then grab him up in a hug, even if he fought me.

 

Then I'd probably go in the bedroom and cry my eyes out. Love is stronger than hate.

[mhgillil]

:grouphug: You'll get through this. Please let me know if I can help promote your homeschool group on my website. I know how tough it is to be on his side of the argument and can sympathize with what you're going through as a parent.

[Remudamom]

Don't let it bother you. It's in the job description.

[Aelwydd]

I'm going to go against the tide here a little bit and suggest that maybe you should keep ps on the table for discussion. I understand and agree that you are the parent, and he the child; but he is at an age where a simple appeal to authority is not going to be enough to gain his cooperation. You can certainly compel him to hs, but the price may be a miserable experience for yourself, and your ds. I can't help but think that that would not only taint the educational experience, but also your relationship with your ds.

 

You say that he does comprehend that his work has improved since he has been hs'd. It may be helpful to sit down and have an open, honest discussion, where you lay out exactly how much hs'ing has contributed to his improvement. Use logic and reason, not appeals to blind authority, especially with an older child, unless you are prepared for a potentially ugly battle of wills.

 

On the flip side, such a meeting means you have to listen to, and carefully consider his side of the argument. As an Asperger's child, I would think that his desire for enhanced socialization opportunities with his peers should factor very strongly in his favor.

 

Is there any room for compromise here? An agreement that he try the first half year hs'ing, with the understanding that if he absolutely hates it, you will permit ps'ing? Or vice versa?

 

Again, I do understand that you are the parent and the one who ultimately must do what's best for your child. However, sometimes parents are blinded by what they want for their child, and cannot see that their choice is causing stress or harm to their child. This happened to my dh, who was forced to go to private schooling his entire educational experience. To this day, it affects any classroom situations he is in, because he has such a negative response ingrained in him. And he has not changed his opinion that his parents were wrong for putting him in a situation that was a very poor fit for him, both psychologically and academically.

 

Other than that, I would say trust your mother's intuition. If your child is truly unhappy, you'll know.

[mommaduck]

He doesn't hate you. He is just trying to get what he wants. You, his mom, know better what is best for him than he does (at the wise old age of 11!). It's called being the parent. All kids buck about something -- you're doing great. I bet he'll thank you someday. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: However, one year in private school was a pretty good wake up call to my oldest boy (who is coming back home next year...though he will most likely be cyber schooling).

[Parrothead]

I have to wonder how well you and he are communicating.

 

I've an only who would like the social aspect of outside school. But I've told her of some of the dangers of going. We've also talked at length about the advantages and disadvantages of homeschooling.

 

Sure there are days we are bored silly because we are done with school and friends are still busy. Sure there are field trips we miss. But we balance that out with the advantages. We can make cookies if we are bored. We can call our homeschooling friend to go to the pool on Wednesday morning.

 

When he is calm start talking to him. Let him know (age appropriately) the reasons for staying home and help him see all the positives of homeschooling.

 

Then, institute a new rule. Family members are not allowed to be rude to each other. No more with the "I hate you."

[LG Gone Wild]

He doesn't hate you. He is just trying to get what he wants. You, his mom, know better what is best for him than he does (at the wise old age of 11!). It's called being the parent. All kids buck about something -- you're doing great. I bet he'll thank you someday. :grouphug:

 

Nice. :iagree:

[Aggie]

He doesn't hate you. He is just trying to get what he wants. You, his mom, know better what is best for him than he does (at the wise old age of 11!). It's called being the parent. All kids buck about something -- you're doing great. I bet he'll thank you someday. :grouphug:

 

True. True. True.

 

First of all, telling you he hates you is a discipline issue and not acceptable.

 

Do you have any homeschooling groups around you? You know, at least while you transfer away from the idea that he needs to fit in. Maybe get him new friends where fitting in includes homeschooling.

 

My main strategy would be to make homeschooling waaaaay cooler than PS. You know, so he has things to make his friends tell him he is so lucky. I'd take mine to a theme park 3 months is a row if I had to. lol Yeah, it's not cheap, but it's worth the money output temporarily to help him think he's fortunate. Mine still talks about going to Magic Mountain 2 years ago for homeschool days. :) Can you find other homeschooled boys his age to do something neat like laser tag or paintball during the day? I would make sure to point out that he's lucky he's not in school so he can have the time to do so. :)

 

Sputter's first sentence is the absolute truth.

 

Her last paragraph is what we do here. Our dds are involved in dance. I've told them many times that if they were in ps, there wouldn't be time for dance. Well, one time I told them that if they got expelled from homeschool for poor performance and had to go to ps, there wouldn't be any dance.:D

 

When we take mornings or afternoons or weeks off, I point out that we can do this because we homeschool.

 

You haven't hurt him, either. He has taken on a grass-is-greener outlook. At our home, we have certain things that are up for discussion. Others are not. I will explain our decisions more thoroughly, but sometimes the dc just don't have all the facts. If you are going to hs him next year, I'd tell him that point blank. Explain why, then close the discussion. When he's more mature, he'll be able to discuss without spewing hateful words.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: This parenting gig is hard!

[ktgrok]

True. True. True.

 

 

 

Sputter's first sentence is the absolute truth.

 

Her last paragraph is what we do here. Our dds are involved in dance. I've told them many times that if they were in ps, there wouldn't be time for dance. Well, one time I told them that if they got expelled from homeschool for poor performance and had to go to ps, there wouldn't be any dance.:D

 

When we take mornings or afternoons or weeks off, I point out that we can do this because we homeschool.

 

You haven't hurt him, either. He has taken on a grass-is-greener outlook. At our home, we have certain things that are up for discussion. Others are not. I will explain our decisions more thoroughly, but sometimes the dc just don't have all the facts. If you are going to hs him next year, I'd tell him that point blank. Explain why, then close the discussion. When he's more mature, he'll be able to discuss without spewing hateful words.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: This parenting gig is hard!

 

Thanks. He knows that he gets a lot more time to play, watch tv, read, etc because he is homeschooled. And when we have park days I make sure to remind him. But right now, he would say that homeschooling is better, but he would trade it all to be with his friends. (He does see them after school). I told him today again, firmly, that this is not up for discussion. The part that gets REALLY hard is that the Asperger's seems to make him get 'stuck" on topics. And right now this is what he is "stuck" on. He will be happy and fine for a half hour or so then remember again and get stuck on it again.

 

I did just go join a few more local yahoo groups, and posted on more places about our middle school group.

 

heck, if any of you are in the central florida area, come on over, lol. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/cfmshomeschool/

[MorganClassicalPrep]

Well, one time I told them that if they got expelled from homeschool for poor performance and had to go to ps, there wouldn't be any dance.:D

 

Ooooh, I like this! :lol: I definitely told DD just recently that she has time for dance because she isn't in school, and if she wanted to go to school we'd have to quit dance (and French.) She decided homeschooling wasn't so bad after all. But I'm keeping this line up my sleeve for the future!

[FrogMom5]

Don't take his statement to heart. He's expressing frustration at not getting what he wants. Most kids his age go through something similar. He does not really hate you.

 

I agree with the other posters who said to try to make homeschooling more fun than ps. If you haven't already, maybe discuss w/him the fact that there will many other people at school, not just his friend, who might be mean. Sometimes we can't see the reality because we want the fantasy so much.

 

We'll pray for you and your son. :grouphug:

Denise

[Lolly]

My dd18 went through this too. I did allow her to go back (she attended 1st grade in ps) to school in 8th grade. It was horrid. I had to force her to quit after 5 weeks of insanity. She was past angry; she was also (secretly) relieved. She just graduated. She actually thanked me for homeschooling her and apologized for giving me such trouble about wanting to be in school. She now realizes that it truly was the best option for her. Sometimes it just takes some maturity to be able to see it.:grouphug:

[Cassy]

:iagree: However, one year in private school was a pretty good wake up call to my oldest boy (who is coming back home next year...though he will most likely be cyber schooling).

 

This was what I was thinking. My DS10 went to school from age 4 to age 8 -homeschool was supposed to be a one-year attempt at getting him to settle down to work and for me to do some 'intensive parenting'. Two years later I would like him to go back to school, and next year he must, but every time I mention it we have tears and he begs me to allow him just one more year at home. He's a very lively, gregarious boy, does outside activities everyday, and has many friends, but his experience of school has convinced him that home is far superior in every way. I think someone in your previous thread mentioned about the 'grass always being greener', a spell at ps would probably make him realise that, and hopefully wouldn't cause any lasting damage to his education or development.

 

:grouphug: I can only imagine what turmoil you must be going through, I pray that you'll resolve this successfully and can continue to have a happy, loving relationship with your son and a fun time homeschooling.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[GypsieFamily]

My reply to this sort of stunt is usually a shrug and, "It is my job to be your parent, not your friend. I'd like to get along, but my responsibility first and foremost is to be your mum."

 

I don't know if your son is a Harry Potter fan or not, but Peter once made the faux pas of telling me that he wished I was nice to him like Aunt Petunia was to Dudley. Now, all I have to in response to that sort of attitude is say, "But then you'd be Dudley. There's a reason Dudley behaves the way he does."

 

I really believe he means he hates your power and influence over him, not that he hates you. It's just easy to be hurtful to say something like that, and it can be effective from their point of view.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Joyofsixreboot]

He doesn't hate you. He is just trying to get what he wants. You, his mom, know better what is best for him than he does (at the wise old age of 11!). It's called being the parent. All kids buck about something -- you're doing great. I bet he'll thank you someday. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[DawnM]

Are you completely anti-school?

 

This is what we have decided (DH and I).....if our kids really want to go to school, they can, but they are not free to just go to our local public school. They can go to a public charter or magnet program of OUR choosing (we have some good ones) or a private school.

 

So far, they are begging to stay home (I am the one occasionally saying, "Would you like to be with other kids all day?" But I am an extrovert and they aren't!

 

As far as the attitude, I would have a heart to heart with my child and try to let him live long enough to appologize! Believe me, I have an Aspie too and some days are just rough.

 

Dawn

[JFSinIL]

He doesn't hate you. He is just trying to get what he wants. You, his mom, know better what is best for him than he does (at the wise old age of 11!). It's called being the parent. All kids buck about something -- you're doing great. I bet he'll thank you someday. :grouphug:

 

I agree. And I now have a 17-yr-old shooting death-rays at me with her teen eyes because I won't let her leave the house at 8:30 to go see a film with friends on a school night (she does attend public school after h.s for grammar stage.)

[ktgrok]

Are you completely anti-school?

 

This is what we have decided (DH and I).....if our kids really want to go to school, they can, but they are not free to just go to our local public school. They can go to a public charter or magnet program of OUR choosing (we have some good ones) or a private school.

 

So far, they are begging to stay home (I am the one occasionally saying, "Would you like to be with other kids all day?" But I am an extrovert and they aren't!

 

As far as the attitude, I would have a heart to heart with my child and try to let him live long enough to appologize! Believe me, I have an Aspie too and some days are just rough.

 

Dawn

 

I'm not totally anti school, but I am for him for next year. Our local middle school, although an "A" school is not really the best, and it would be too late to get him into a magnet school. He doesn't want to go to a magnet school anyway, he has said it has to be the school his friends go to. I offered even to sign him up for one of the local 2 day a week homeschool/private school hybrids, but he was not interested.

[DawnM]

Well, my guess is that he is being obstinate because he wants what he wants and nothing else will be good enough.

 

Honestly, I would consider going ahead and doing the 2 day a week thing. He will make new friends quickly enough and if he hates it, you can stop it next semester or next year or however the payments work.

 

My Aspie doesn't really have too many friends and prefers to be alone most of the time, so I am no help there.

 

We live in an area with the top schools for the entire Metro area.....but my concerns are not academic for me not sending my kids there.

 

Dawn

 

I'm not totally anti school, but I am for him for next year. Our local middle school, although an "A" school is not really the best, and it would be too late to get him into a magnet school. He doesn't want to go to a magnet school anyway, he has said it has to be the school his friends go to. I offered even to sign him up for one of the local 2 day a week homeschool/private school hybrids, but he was not interested.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[JessieC]

Since you may be enrolling him back in ps eventually, it may be worth it to consider doing so now, in my opinion. He may see for himself that the experience is not what he thought it would be and desire to come home, or he may find his own way there and be perfectly fine. I worked in a middle school for many years, one that was considered quite rough, and while there were some challenging kids for sure, the public perception was not as bad as the reality. Someone from the town once told me that she heard there were pregnant sixth graders and fights in the hallways--I never saw either of these things.

 

Just another perspective to consider--school may not be as bad as you think it will be!

[Jenny in Florida]

I've told them many times that if they were in ps, there wouldn't be time for dance. Well, one time I told them that if they got expelled from homeschool for poor performance and had to go to ps, there wouldn't be any dance.

 

 

I've pulled similar things.

 

My son is very into theatre and performance. I've made it clear that, if I "have to" send him to school because he's not cooperating, he will not have time to take the numerous classes and do the shows he currently does.

 

But I think we're lucky to have kids who have things they care enough about to protect.

 

For what it's worth, we never found any homeschool group in Central Florida that met my kids' needs. Every single group seems to fall into one of two categories: well organized and faith based (where we weren't welcome because we didn't belong to the right kind of church) or secular but flaky (which drove my family nuts). For a brief and glorious time, we were part of a loose alliance of families with whom we were comfortable and who all wanted a more organized and reliable group. We were all refugees from other groups. We planned classes and activities and field trips and registered as a group for things in the community. It was wonderful until one of the core families moved and another divorced. At that point, there was some in-fighting between two of the remaining families, and the group collapsed.

 

We still miss it.

 

However, our solution at that point was to quit trying to depend on homeschool-centric activities. We started signing our kids up for regular classes and groups and found we could rely on them much more than our fellow homeschoolers. Sad, but true.

 

Honestly, we don't socialize in homeschool circles much at all anymore. We do know a few families who either are or were recently homeschooling, but that is incidental. For example, my son has three close friends, all of whom have homeschooled at some point and one of whom still is doing so. But we met all of them through our church, not through homeschool groups (which is funny, since our church is not what you'd call a hotbed of homeschooling activity).

 

I wish I knew what to suggest for you. I really do. I know how tough this has to be.

 

I'd offer to try and help you pull together something, since we're in the same area. But my son is older (13) and not in your demographic.

[Tarreymere]

Yeah, mine all went through the 'I hate you' years. It always had to do with me not permitting them to do something they wanted to do and it was always about trying to emotionally manipulate me to give in. Just understand that if he wasn't pulling this about going to public school he would saying 'I hate you' over something else, like not getting the cell phone he wanted or not being allowed to get expensive shoes or something. You are going to hear it quite a bit anyway over the next few years, remember it will pass.

[HoneyFernDotOrg]

I agree with the posters who are saying that you should listen to what he is really saying (not the "I hate you" part. That's not really what he is saying); it sounds like you are understanding that he would like a wider, same-age social circle, and you seem to be taking steps to make that happen.

 

I also agree with the posters who are saying that taking school off the table completely may not be a good idea. I quit public school teaching last year to start a small, private cottage school out of my home which my DD (11) attends (obviously!!), and she has expressed that she might, at some point, like to go to high school. I have let her know that we will keep an open mind and discuss it when it becomes relevant, but ultimately we will choose what we feel is best (which may be dual enrollment is a college and my school, or an exchange program, or whatever other options). My school will never have more than eight students (which would be too big, in my opinion, to do what I want to do), and they range in age from 6th -12th grade; DD is thinking about dances and proms and other high school rituals that I will not be able to provide (even though every graduating senior gets to plan their own senior trip anywhere in the world - can that compete with prom?!).

 

Long-winded response to say that just take a deep breath and look at what he is really saying. Don't react, and keep an open mind. He is getting ready to test his wings (and you!), and he needs to know you will listen. Good luck!!

[homeschoolally]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

When I was a teen, I must have told my mom I hated her (at least!!!) once a week for years. We are very close now. I talk to her on the phone every day, and we visit twice a month, plus the entire summer and all holidays.

 

I know, not much consolation for NOW, but, this too shall pass.

 

I was going to post the same thing.

 

That is such a tough age anyway, add the aspergers factor in--and hope you're able to take it less personally. I know as a mom that must be so tough. Hoping the best for you both. Sounds like you have a solid plan that is a good compromise.

[Jenny in Florida]

Okay, every family is different. And I'm sure there are situations in which it makes sense. But I have to say I absolutely would not give in to emotional manipulation. ("I'll hate you unless you let me have my way.")

 

My son was younger the last time he started saying he wanted to go to school. So, it's not the same, of course. However, here's what happened with us.

 

My son got very uspet that he wasn't going to school. He kept whining about it and begging and threatening to hate us and be miserable and all of that. Finally, I sat him down and told him that his dad and I are parents for a reason, because kids need them, and that we loved him very much and were trying to do out very best to be good parents. I told him that we had talked it over a lot and had decided that, for now, for our family, for him, homeschooling was the best option. It was possible we were wrong, but we had to go with what we truly believed was best.

 

Then, I asked what, exactly, he wanted from school that he felt he wasn't getting at home. In his case (because my kids are weird), he was concerned that he wasn't learning as much and that he would be "stupid" compared to kids who went to school. After I laughed, we talked a little about what kids his age were actually doing in school. I suggested he ask his friends, too, to make sure I was telling him the truth.

 

After that, he calmed down and has never really bugged me about it again.

 

In your son's case, it sounds like you know exactly what his issue is. So, I'd start by sitting with him and getting him to brainstorm with me things we might do to get him what he wants. And then I would do my absolute best to try and make those things happen.

[CalicoKat]

I posted yesterday about how he wants to go to middle school next year. I really do understand that he wants to fit in. I just can't bring myself to let him go when I know he will be getting much less of an education. Also, his Aspergers is much improved with the extra time we spend together homeschooling. Plus, I hear horror stories about pregnant 6th graders, etc. I want at least one more year to get him better situated academically. We had to remediate back to WWE2 because of his working memory deficits. We are now seeing rapid progress, but I need next year to really get him on track with his memory and his writing. Not to mention that we only finished part of MM5 because we had to remediate in math too.

 

Tonight, upset about his friends going on a class trip to a theme park, he told me he hates me. He wants to go to public school so bad, at least right now. And he knows logically that he has it better homeschooling. He finishes quickly and is learning a lot, he gets a break midday and watches Dr. Who reruns, he gets to sleep in, etc. But none of that compares to being part of the crowd.

 

We are going to the FPEA conference tomorrow. Please pray that he has some fun, or is inspired, or somehow sees the benefits of homeschooling. It is breaking my heart to have him hurt like this.

 

You're doing a good job Mom. Keep it up.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[mamajudy]

First of all, telling you he hates you is a discipline issue and not acceptable.

 

Do you have any homeschooling groups around you? You know, at least while you transfer away from the idea that he needs to fit in. Maybe get him new friends where fitting in includes homeschooling.

 

My main strategy would be to make homeschooling waaaaay cooler than PS. You know, so he has things to make his friends tell him he is so lucky. I'd take mine to a theme park 3 months is a row if I had to. lol Yeah, it's not cheap, but it's worth the money output temporarily to help him think he's fortunate. Mine still talks about going to Magic Mountain 2 years ago for homeschool days. :) Can you find other homeschooled boys his age to do something neat like laser tag or paintball during the day? I would make sure to point out that he's lucky he's not in school so he can have the time to do so. :)

:iagree:When he accomplishes something (finishes a course, etc.), do something special to celebrate! Have you considered getting him involved in boy scouts, civil air patrol, or sea cadets? He would be with other kids his age, but also with kids who are older/younger than he is. Some may be homeschooled, some may not. My son is in sea cadets, and the things he has done are WAY cooler than going to a theme park for a day! But if it takes a theme park, take him to a theme park.

[SailorMom]

He doesn't hate you - he's 11.

You are safe, he is frustrated, and he knows no matter how many times he tells you that, you will still love him.

11-15,,,, boy I am glad I don't have to be those ages again :)

Hang in there, you've gotten some great advice here....

[Night Elf]

Dd13's problem with homeschooling has always been about feeling lonely and bored. Even if she doesn't make friends in school, she loves the hustle and bustle of the classroom. She talked about public middle school but after the carp we went through during elementary school, I simply wasn't allowing for the possibility. I was grateful to have found a group that offers homeschool classes. They are expensive but very worth it. They really were the reason she started enjoying homeschooling.

[RanchGirl]

Try not to let the angry words bother you. Do consider his opinion on school decisions as he gets older, and it sounds like you're trying to accommodate his desire for more social interaction.

 

But honestly, if my 11 yo was throwing a fit like that, I would probably calmly inform him that this type of behavior is not what I would expect from a child mature enough to participate in education decisions. This 'it has to be my way or I make you miserable' stuff would be a major opportunity for improvement.

 

Then I would find a calm moment to make a plan together. As in what does he really want, here are the parental concerns, son needs to find a way to address those concerns. Does he need to exhibit certain behavior, repsonsibility, educational goals? Do you want him to meet other friends and give them a fair chance? If he does x and y in middleschool, will he then have the choice of trying 9th grade at the ps? Lay out a plan so he feels like he is working toward something, not a helpless child at the mercy of mom's whims. Not saying you are doing that, just wondering if his behavior is a result of him feeling that way?

 

(Caveat, I am not familiar with aspergers!)

[Reesegirl]

Is it possible that he could take a class or two at the middle school? I know that this was an option at our local middle school, though I didn't have my dds enroll. But maybe he could take band or woodshop or what ever the school might offer that would give him the feeling of being a part of the school. I had a couple of friends who had their kids do this and it seemed to work well for them and they still had time to homeschool either in the pm or the am.

[AK_Mom4]

Is it possible that he could take a class or two at the middle school? I know that this was an option at our local middle school, though I didn't have my dds enroll. But maybe he could take band or woodshop or what ever the school might offer that would give him the feeling of being a part of the school. I had a couple of friends who had their kids do this and it seemed to work well for them and they still had time to homeschool either in the pm or the am.

 

DS(now 15) did this when he was in 7th/8th grade. He took Band - got the chance to meet other kids, do Band Field Trips to the local elementary schools, and even play in the Jazz Band. It was just enough interaction for him without the pressure of a full day of school.

[Tree House Academy]

I don't allow my kids to tell me they hate me. If they do, there are severe consequences.

 

I know you don't want your son to hurt and you don't want him to "hate" you, but you are the parent and you know that you are doing what is best for him. He may not see it now...he may not see it 5 years from now...but one day, he will see it. Think of it this way...would you let him ride in the car with a drunk friend to a party? Of course not! Might he get upset? Sure. Might he scream he hates you? Maybe (if you allow it). Will he, however, be alive the next day? Chances are much better than if you let him get in that car last night!

 

Sometimes we just have to do what we know is right and let the kids not like it. It is part of growing up...and he will survive.

 

*hugs* momma!

[ChandlerMom]

He doesn't hate you, he's just instinctively using his greatest weapon to make sure you hear how mad he is and how much he wants his way.

 

FWIW, I believe kids have an unfettered right to their feelings, but (as I tell them) how they ACT on their feelings is another matter. I agree with the PPs that said they'd calmly tell dc that it's ok to be upset but not ok to tell someone you hate them or to behave badly (we had a rash of sibs saying it each other and it wasn't tolerated, so it ceased quickly). I also agree that I'd point out it just confirmed he wasn't mature enough to have a say in those decisions.

 

One technique I use to to ask the child what their behavior is teaching me. "I let you play with your ps friends every day. The result is that you now are beaving badly, putting your socializing ahead of your education, and yelling at me that you hate me. So what are you teaching me? From my perspective, what is the problem? What should I do about it? Because it seem to me you are teaching me that letting you play with your ps friends is a BAD thing, so do you think I'm more likely to let you spend MORE time with them (makes no sense) or not let you play with them AT ALL?"

 

I'd tell him the deal is if he stops whining and behaving badly, he can continue to see his friends and you can you're willing to sit down and discuss ways to increase his extracurriculars (but not ps) AS LONG AS HE demonstates he's mature enough to handle it. But every day he doesn't tow the line or had another unacceptable breach of behavior he loses TWO days seeing his friends AT ALL.

 

Of course, that's just me. :D And I wouldn't try that with a 15yo, but at 11yo...yep.

[Aelwydd]

He may not see it now...he may not see it 5 years from now...but one day, he will see it. Think of it this way...would you let him ride in the car with a drunk friend to a party? Of course not! Might he get upset? Sure. Might he scream he hates you? Maybe (if you allow it). Will he, however, be alive the next day? Chances are much better than if you let him get in that car last night!

 

 

Granted, everyone has their opinion about the value (or danger, I guess) of public schooling. But, I don't know that comparing going to ps with drinking and driving is a really helpful analogy. That seems more like hyperbole to me.

[ktgrok]

thanks everyone! Today was hard, but it ended with us all playing a board game, so that was good. After advertising my middle school group more last night I came home today to 3 more families wanting to join! Of course, Mr. Negativity said that he doesn't want too many people to join. There really isn't any winning with him sometimes. I explained that even with all the new people we would still have less than a classroom full.

 

I'm hoping to really make things more fun for him. And I have told him that he can choose public school for highschool if he really wants to. By then he will be on much better footing.