Do you ask the village to help raise your child?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Please read all of this before voting so you know what I'm talking about! I'm not talking about how we all touch each other's lives and influence each other. I'm talking about more direct interaction with the specific intention of guiding a child in some way.

 

Here's why I ask. Yesterday a woman friend told me about how when a mutual friend's child was recently upset, the mother called her to ask her to calm down the child over the phone. She talked to the girl and did calm the child down.

 

Not so long ago, I had a mom friend who was visiting ask me to talk to her child about lying and why it was wrong. I was a bit confused at her request and asked why she couldn't talk to her child herself but was told that she'd tried but since the child wasn't listening to her, she wanted me to try. I did talk to the child a bit - we talked about the story of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf". I never did get a report as to if it helped or not.

 

That is two examples that I know of where people have specifically asked others to parent their child. It was something that caught me off guard because that isn't something I would even think of asking someone else to participate in. I'm just wondering, without attaching any value judgments to it, if this is something that you ask others to do or know of people who do this. I used the words "raise" and "parent" in a neutral way - at least that was my intent.

 

And I'm not adding "other" because I'm feeling ornery and I figure you'll post and tell me about your "others" anyway.

Edited April 23, 2011 by Jean in Newcastle

[Audrey]

I don't myself, but have seen many others who do something similar to what you described, so I voted "yes."

[Cortana]

No us, but my brother and his wife do this, especially at church where they pay zero attention to my neice and nephew and just expect everyone else to keep an eye on them.

[Ester Maria]

Not as a "standard procedure", but in exceptional circumstances yes, there were more than a few instances of that that I know of, and in some of them I was involved.

I would do it too if my kids "clicked" well with a particular adult in their life and if I thought they could help them regarding a particular problem.

[ereks mom]

My response is, "No, but I know people who do." I've had people ask me to talk to their children, and people ask dh (he's a minister) all the time to talk to their kids or other family members when issues arise.

[FaithManor]

No, I've seen the denizens of our village and I am not, by in large, impressed. Our pastor and his wife, the head deacon and his wife, they are all great people and could be trusted. But, for the most part, the inhabitants of our village are clueless, unobservant citizens whose approach to child rearing falls somewhere between raising feral cats and profoundly relaxed. I wouldn't trust them with my children. Thankfully, my mom is close by and always willing to lend some assistance.

 

I do know a frightful number of people who assume that someone is watching, someone is taking responsibility, and their kids will just some how, some way, be okay. I also know a few people who would let Hannibal Lector be the nanny if it meant they didn't have to lift a finger to do anything. Unfortunately, this is a very common scenario here, hence the 18% attendance rate at parent teacher conferences in our local school district. Now, I should say that in all honesty, two villages west, there are a couple of employees in our 4-H/MSU extension office that are such fine individuals that I would trust their influence over my children any day of the week!

 

Faith

Edited April 23, 2011 by FaithManor

[Sophia]

I do ask for advice from older people whom I trust, but I would never ask them to speak to my dc for me~that's my job.

 

Otoh, I do have a neighbor who has been known to tell her 2 y.o. "Behave or I'm going to go get Tia (what they call me.) She and her dh will also come over at odd hours to ask my advice about something while their own mothers are visiting, no less.

I do watch the little girl a few days a week, but I gave them notice because I think they've grown too dependent on me and don't think it's really healthy.

[Jenny in Atl]

Can we define "child"...? :D

 

I'm not sure it's possible to parent w/o some influence/help from others, whether family or friends. Humans are social animals, and unless you live alone in some outback settlement in Siberia, even if you think you are not seeking the helps of others, in some fashion they will make an impact, good or bad, only time will tell.

[DawnL]

No, it is my job to parent my kids.

 

However, if someone does say something to my child, such as, "Little boy, please get down from there." I support that reasonable request/rule and make certain my kids listen to that grown-up.

 

But I think that's way different from what you've described.

[lollie010]

I didn't respond to the poll, because I don't have any experience with what you are describing. But, sometimes when I am completely overwhelmed with parenting three small children, when they are all needing my attention at the same time--I laugh to myself and think "hmmm...where is my village? I need a village." But, it passes pretty quickly. lol. Its a family joke around here. My five year old asked me the other day why I needed a village.

[Truscifi]

I know people who do this. And while I don't ask, I allow others to take that role with ds at our dojo. We have a fairly close knit group that does things together often outside of the dojo, so we are all pretty comfortable with each other. I will correct other people's kids if needed, and I have no problem with them correcting mine, even sending him to time out or giving him a talking to as needed.

[Ellie]

:blink:

 

I can't even imagine the situation you describe.

[Farrar]

The phrasing on the poll makes me a little uncomfortable. Do I ask others to help me with my kids sometimes? Yes, absolutely. Friends occasionally watch them (and I do the same for them sometimes). Grandparents, friends and others sometimes help them learn all sorts of things and I rely on having people other than myself to help them learn. Do I expect that people will use common sense around my kids and say something to them if they're doing something very clearly dangerous or if someone else is endangering them? Within reason, yes. My kids are not in my sight 24/7, and nor do I expect them to be. And I see nothing wrong with that.

 

But do I expect anyone else to do the really tough stuff? Make the the big decisions? Do I know that my kids are my responsibility? Absolutely.

 

But I'm not sure what the poll expects here. I guess what I'm saying is that yes, I expect my extended "village" to help me raise my kids and they do. But I also don't expect anyone to, as I said, make the tough choices about parenting or take final responsibility for my kids. That's on me and dh.

[sassenach]

Not young children. Dh was a youth pastor for many years, so I have tons of experience in the teenage realm. But does clergy count?

[amy g.]

Do husbands and older sisters count as the village?

[ChristineW]

Not in the way you described, but maybe a little. I three kids and the oldest is a spirited five year old boy. DH works long hours and often on Saturdays,

At the playground, I've gladly welcomed a dad willing to push my four year old on the swing while I try to coax the two year old down from the slide, or had moms reach for lemonade on the top shelf which I couldn't reach and hold the two year old at the same time, or who held my son's hand during the creek wall at the wildlife center so I could focus on the two smaller kids. I don't expect the help-- and I didn't get it where we used to live--but it sure helps.

 

Christine W

[elise1mds]

I do. Here's why, and this isn't meant to sound defensive or rude, but I want to explain why I would almost sympathize with the OP (though I would NEVER have another parent explain moral choices to my child without giving it a good try first). My daughter has a mood disorder. There are days she WILL. NOT. listen to me or my husband. I can be calm, I can scream, I can try to work with her, I can be firm. Nothing matters to her and nothing works. It can be hard to picture this scenario if you don't life it, but that's how it goes sometimes. That's what makes a kid with a mood disorder different from his/her peers. I've been told by various people that I'm an extremely consistent, patient parent, but there are still days when I hit my wall. On days like that, if I can get DD to talk to my MIL, she will almost always listen. I'm not afraid to call up my MIL, put her on speakerphone, force my daughter to keep her hands off her ears, stop screaming and listen, and have my MIL talk my DD down off of whatever ledge she's on. Nine times out of ten it works and DD snaps out of her rage and will calm down so that my parenting skills are effective again. So in effect, I use my MIL to help parent my child. That is an effective resource for me. My son doesn't need that, and I wouldn't do that with him. I'm - for lack of a better term - good enough. But DD sometimes needs an outside influence to tell her to quit acting a certain way, and if that's what she needs, that's what I'm going to give her. :)

Edited April 23, 2011 by elise1mds
clarification :)

[chiguirre]

Yes. Ds2 attends a social skills class that specifically teaches kids on the spectrum how to be a friend, how to interact more effectively and how to behave in stressful situations. I know that they have discussed lying, bullying, treating others as you would like to be treated, meeting others' expectations of behavior, coping with sensory stresses, etc. Honestly, his social skills teachers know more about helping him with some issues than I do. And of course, other kids in the class can also give him tips and support that I can't.

 

Ds1's teachers and in-home trainers provide much the same support, but for lower-functioning kids. They can sometimes do a better job than me because they're specially trained, less stressed out, less emotionally attached and can go home at the end of the day.

[Aubrey]

The only people I know who do this don't "ask." They're just oblivious. :D So I'm voting "no," because I don't think they're even aware that they're not parenting their own children.

[missmoe]

I voted yes. There have been a few times with my oldest son that I have asked other people to talk to him about some choices he was making. The people I asked to talk to him were people he respected, and people that share the same beliefs as my family.

 

Can we define "child"...? :D

 

.

 

Yes, adding to my reply----I would only do this with an older teen. I do feel that I am directly responable for my younger children, but as my children get older I feel that it is a good thing for them to start having relationships with other adults.

 

Also, wanted to add that I have been involved in other children's lives because their parents didn't have the tools to parent and have basically turned that over to others. Not sure if that is what you were going for though?

Edited April 23, 2011 by missmoe

[Amy Jo]

My neighbor's have with their middle son. But he is a teen, so I'm not sure that qualifies. Personally, I prefer to parent my own kids. (I could see an exceptional circumstance where it would help of course, it's just not me.)

[Night Elf]

That is two examples that I know of where people have specifically asked others to parent their child.

 

I used the words "raise" and "parent" in a neutral way - at least that was my intent.

 

I quoted both because I'm not sure if the 2nd statement clarifies/defines the 1st one.

 

I don't see your examples as having other people parent your child. I see parents asking for help from an outside source, generally a close friend or family member, in helping a child to understand that a particular concept/belief/idea, etc. is not just something that Mom & Dad believe. Somehow, it's helpful for children to see that there are others with the same way of looking at things. Plus, sometimes a child is more willing to listen to another adult because they have become used to hearing their mom/dad lecture and they may not take it seriously.

 

I've had help like this. I've even had my children talk to one another about things sometimes. I really don't care for the idea that my children can only learn life lessons from me or their dad. I would worry it would skew their views on life. But then again, DH and I believe in teaching our children how to get as many points of view on a subject before making an informed decision.

 

Obviously there are things that we, as parents, have the right to decide or share with our children. For example, Jane Doe's parents allowing her to date at age 16 will not change our parenting decision to not allow our children to date before the age of 16. I guess the difference is that I would ask for help only when I don't mind an outside opinion.

[eternalknot]

I do, routinely. My village is 99% my own extended family, but there are others who I have and will continue to call upon as/if a situation warrants.

 

I don't actually consider that to be shirking "my job" - to quote another poster's reference to the raising of one's own child. I figure it's my job to ensure the child receives x-message/information/advice/what-have-you in the most effective manner possible; regardless of my role as mother and parent, I harbor no delusions that I'm always the right or best one to deliver it. I see that type of delegation as a positive thing, not as a weakness.

 

I'm sure our own childhood experiences come into play here. I grew up in a multi-generational home with a revolving door of extended family staying for months or years at a time in a neighborhood of immigrants who lived similarly. I have more "aunties" and "uncles" (unrelated) than I do hairs on my head, and all of them served as mentors or role models at various points in my life. Absolutely there were times when I would listen more to them than I might my own parents, even though I adored my parents and knew they wanted what was best for me. Sometimes being too emotionally vested in a relationship makes it hard to see the forest for the trees; that's where the village comes into play, successfully IME - especially when requested.

[redsquirrel]

I don't think I have ever asked another adult to have a specific discussion with my child, but we've never had a challenge like that. I might, given the right circumstances.

 

I have many dear friends who I am fine if they 'parent' my kids. If my kids are at their house and they need a 'talking to' or a boundary set or whatever, I trust those people to do it. I consider them my village. And the same would go for me with their kids. We take each others kids places and spend time together and are the emergency backup for one another. So, as my kids get older (We've got some heading into the early teen years) if I thought it would help for one of them to spend some extra time or mentor I would be fine with that.

 

And I certainly have good friend who I call for advice on how to handle a situation or for more insight. I have asked 'what should I say to this kid!?" on more than one occasion.

[Hwin]

My mom has asked me to help out in that wasy with my teen sister. Of course, I wouldn't consider immediate family "the village." However, I definitely think that a neutral party can be helpful for teenagers.

[Cheryl in NM]

Okay, so I posted no because I don't believe in what you were asked to do.

 

I appreciate my friends backing up my parenting decisions with my children, especially if my children are complaining.

[meggie]

I don't ask, but when my mom hears about my oldest doing something really naughty, she's given him a gentle scolding. For example, "Pigby, did you push Digby? You should not push Digby, you should be very nice." I don't really mind. It's only when she starts telling him things contrary to what I tell him that I get upset.

[Just Robyn]

I have never done this, but it seems like a reasonable thing to do in some cases.

 

Actually, now that I think about it, I have had someone ask me to talk to their child (who was in high school) about going to a particular high school because it's the school I had graduated from and is set up very differently from most. Maybe that's not quite the same, but it's the closest thing I have experienced.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The phrasing on the poll makes me a little uncomfortable. Do I ask others to help me with my kids sometimes? Yes, absolutely. Friends occasionally watch them (and I do the same for them sometimes). Grandparents, friends and others sometimes help them learn all sorts of things and I rely on having people other than myself to help them learn. Do I expect that people will use common sense around my kids and say something to them if they're doing something very clearly dangerous or if someone else is endangering them? Within reason, yes. My kids are not in my sight 24/7, and nor do I expect them to be. And I see nothing wrong with that.

 

But do I expect anyone else to do the really tough stuff? Make the the big decisions? Do I know that my kids are my responsibility? Absolutely.

 

But I'm not sure what the poll expects here. I guess what I'm saying is that yes, I expect my extended "village" to help me raise my kids and they do. But I also don't expect anyone to, as I said, make the tough choices about parenting or take final responsibility for my kids. That's on me and dh.

 

Other people watch my kids on occasion too and of course they talk to them and influence them, hopefully for the better. My examples were more of what I think of as the "tough stuff" but I realize that people will vary in their opinion of that and how they will handle that. In fact, that's why I asked the question: to see what other people's opinion would be!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I quoted both because I'm not sure if the 2nd statement clarifies/defines the 1st one.

 

I don't see your examples as having other people parent your child. I see parents asking for help from an outside source, generally a close friend or family member, in helping a child to understand that a particular concept/belief/idea, etc. is not just something that Mom & Dad believe. Somehow, it's helpful for children to see that there are others with the same way of looking at things. Plus, sometimes a child is more willing to listen to another adult because they have become used to hearing their mom/dad lecture and they may not take it seriously.

 

I've had help like this. I've even had my children talk to one another about things sometimes. I really don't care for the idea that my children can only learn life lessons from me or their dad. I would worry it would skew their views on life. But then again, DH and I believe in teaching our children how to get as many points of view on a subject before making an informed decision.

 

Obviously there are things that we, as parents, have the right to decide or share with our children. For example, Jane Doe's parents allowing her to date at age 16 will not change our parenting decision to not allow our children to date before the age of 16. I guess the difference is that I would ask for help only when I don't mind an outside opinion.

 

I do, routinely. My village is 99% my own extended family, but there are others who I have and will continue to call upon as/if a situation warrants.

 

I don't actually consider that to be shirking "my job" - to quote another poster's reference to the raising of one's own child. I figure it's my job to ensure the child receives x-message/information/advice/what-have-you in the most effective manner possible; regardless of my role as mother and parent, I harbor no delusions that I'm always the right or best one to deliver it. I see that type of delegation as a positive thing, not as a weakness.

 

I'm sure our own childhood experiences come into play here. I grew up in a multi-generational home with a revolving door of extended family staying for months or years at a time in a neighborhood of immigrants who lived similarly. I have more "aunties" and "uncles" (unrelated) than I do hairs on my head, and all of them served as mentors or role models at various points in my life. Absolutely there were times when I would listen more to them than I might my own parents, even though I adored my parents and knew they wanted what was best for me. Sometimes being too emotionally vested in a relationship makes it hard to see the forest for the trees; that's where the village comes into play, successfully IME - especially when requested.

 

I really appreciate your perspectives. I ask these sorts of questions when I realize that I've had a knee-jerk reaction of surprise that someone has done something. I know that my surprise is often because my own experience and perspective is limited. I love that I can ask and get a much broader perspective than my own!

[Julie in CA]

I'm not sure I completely understand the question--I'm a bit short on time. :001_smile:

 

I would not ordinarily ask someone else to intervene between my dc and I, but the exception would be if my relationship with one of my teens was so poor that I didn't feel able to communicate with them effectively enough for them to get necessary advice on important issues of safety. I don't anticipate that happening, because I've enjoyed a great relationship with all of my teens, but I would ask someone that the teen and I both respected and trusted would have our family's best interests at heart, were the situation to arise.

[Mrs Mungo]

A couple of examples:

 

In one of our old neighborhoods I put a stop to two queen bees bullying my neighbor's dd. He didn't ask me to do it, but he was grateful for it. Her dad had custody, mom wasn't really in the picture; he didn't know how to deal with it.

 

One of my friends was totally overwhelmed during a deployment with a non-compliant 5 year old and rambunctious toddler twins. I came over and helped with her kids at times.

 

I know several moms who have asked male friends to have talks with their sons when dad was deployed. Sometimes they need that male voice.

 

Just a few examples.

[Puma Mom]

I don't know if this really fits, but I have a 'fake mom' relationship with a now-19yo who lost her mom 10 years ago. When she was about 14, she asked me to be her fake mom, mentoring her and saying the tough stuff that her mom couldn't be there to say. Mostly I've been an ear and a physical help when she couldn't drive and her dad wasn't available, but I've also had a few 'straighten up and fly right' talks with her.

[sheryl]

Hi Jean, I voted no. HOWEVER, I was saying to my friend the other day, "it takes a village to raise a child". By that I mean......

 

We live in a small neigborhood and I see my friend's ds out riding his bike (he was given this independence recently and turns 12 in July). Ironically we are always passing him in our car in the neighborhood. If I saw that he needed help and I was the only one, I'd go to him. Likewise, my friend does the same.

 

No, others don't make decisions for my dd, but I firmly believe parents and especially homeschooling parents need be validated. I've had some adults over the years compliment me and be my advocate by telling my dd (in my presence) how fortunate she is that she's homeschooled, etc, etc.

[Peela]

We have certainly asked certain people in our circle to influence our son in particular. For example, he has a casual job working for a friend, doing gardening/reticulation work. We have talked to him and his partner about issues we have had with our son at times and also just encouraged them to be a "good influence" on him, which they are. They open up conversations with him at times. Our son can sometimes hear them more easily than he can hear us.

 

It's not so direct but we happen to live in a fairly therapeutic community, and although I would object to anyone directly "therapising" or even moralising our kids, we are happy that they have adult friends that do influence them in a positive way, and we have encouraged that.

 

However we have never given up our parental role, as has been suggested by some people - it is simple an extension of it, because we are in a position to be able to use others in this way. We have never lost control in such a way that we need to ask for help in that way.

[DawnM]

I am not sure I am going to answer this correctly. I am a former school counselor and was asked all the time to talk to students by request of their parents, so I may not count.

 

It hasn't happened as much as just a mom to another mom while homeschooling though.

[jenL]

I voted yes because I have no problem with my sister redirecting or discussing issues with my kids when I am around or not around. I have the ability to do this with her children as well. She and I have the same belief system, and we parent similarly. We both believe we are the first in charge of our own kids, but we will help each other if necessary, especially if in public places when one of us is preoccupied with our other child. In no way are we usurping each other as parents.

 

With our church friends or a few specific homeschool friends, when we are all together, we watch out for each other's kids, and we will call them out if they are misbehaving and the actual parent does not catch it. From there, the actual parent steps in and takes care of the situation. I see it as caring for the well-being of the children around you and being an extra set of eyes an ears for the parents.

 

As of yet, we have not needed another adult to step in to discuss issues with our boys. However, dh & I would not hesitate to have an adult whom we trust who shares our values talk to our boys if we were struggling and we knew their insight could be helpful. There are too many unknowns in parenting, and sometimes, we must turn to those whose wisdom can be beneficial. Jmho.

[Ester Maria]

Wow. Got back to this thread and I'm totally surprised by the poll results - I don't know why, but I was convinced the prevailing opinion would be the "yes" one, not the "no" one. Interesting how we differ. :001_smile:

 

I view those "interventions" by other people (whether prompted by a parent or "natural") pretty much a default part of growing up. Of course, I'd flip if a random stranger or a person who means nothing to me in my personal life took upon themselves a freedom to "raise" my kids, but when it comes to the "village" in terms of extended family and close friends, I have zero issues with it, even if their particular opinions and methods of addressing something differ from my own and thus even if it means kids will be exposed to some "parenting" differences. Ultimately, I am the main factor in my kids' upbringing so I doubt other people (if "dosed", not called as a "standard procedure" to raise my kid) can "mess up" what I do, but can only help - however, I do see why some of you would consider it crossing some limits of family authority or even a kind of parental neglect.

 

Granted, we're talking only about a few people and a general atmosphere where the parents do some of the same for other kids, a sort of community thing if you wish (e.g. my father pretty much had a "mentor" role for one kid without a stable male role in life, on and off as needed, talking to him, studying with him a few times, even took him a few times for a meal or a concert or some other "father-son" thing and casually talked to him, addressing his issues when needed - they continued to mutually help each other throughout life, even if the boy - now a man - and I are pretty much strangers to each other, there is a kind of a nice bond between them, it was my father's opportunity to have a "son" - 'stuck' with an only daughter :D - and this boy's opportunity to have a stable, positive male role model in his life, since his father was quite absent, and a sort of male mentorship throughout life). In a few instances I talked rather to my friend's mother than to my own mother, especially when my mother's reaction was predictable and I felt I needed a mature, but different mature perspective. I thought it was great, actually, as I wasn't "confined" to my family alone.

 

Of course, there were certain limits, and I have friends from places with significantly lowered limits which I wouldn't be okay with (you know, the type of communities which are that close-knit and without "privacy" from each other that you get a feeling that literally everybody is "raising" every kid as judging "needed"). So it's a broad area, some people are more comfortable with some options, it depends on where you live and what are people are you like.

[Farrar]

I don't actually consider that to be shirking "my job" - to quote another poster's reference to the raising of one's own child. I figure it's my job to ensure the child receives x-message/information/advice/what-have-you in the most effective manner possible; regardless of my role as mother and parent, I harbor no delusions that I'm always the right or best one to deliver it. I see that type of delegation as a positive thing, not as a weakness.

 

 

Well put. I think it takes a brave parent to ask for help appropriately. The examples Jean gave seemed more pushy and boundary-less, but in another context/relationship they could have been appropriate.

 

I think there's an attitude in some homeschooling circles that we should be able to be the be all end all for our kids. If that's what works for your family, I think that's fine, but I don't personally subscribe to that.

[OrganicAnn]

I would ask a aunt/uncle, grandparent to talk with a child, if I thought it would help with some issue. I can't imagine anyone else, unless they had a relationship with me and my child. We had a babysitter when DD was a toddler. If she lived closer now, I could imagine asking her to talk to DD about some hypothetical issue.

 

I think our society isn't close enough to ask the "village" for help. I think it would be nice to have that type of relationships, but I really don't see it happening much.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

I tend to privately ask advice of people, reflect upon it, and decide whether or not to take it without involving my children in that process at all.

 

However, I have been called upon by various friends to pitch in as an extra auntie, with help or advice of some kind, and I'm always ready to do that!

 

Sometimes, parents were never properly mentored, themselves. They don't have the confidence that parents need. So they look around, see someone who appears to know what they're doing, and ask for help. I think that is wise.

 

My friend is a homeschooling Mom of 3. She loves her children and is a great mother, but she butts heads with her oldest son pretty often. I admire her sooooo much, because she didn't just hug her pride and let the relationship worsen. Instead, she deliberately built a village around him. He now has mentors, surrogate aunts, uncles, and grandparents, an employer, and good friends all solely because of his mother's determined efforts to bring good people into his life.

 

She loved him enough to find some help when he wouldn't respond well to just her and his Dad. Her transparency and ability to reach out to others are giving her son a future and a safety net.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I tend to privately ask advice of people, reflect upon it, and decide whether or not to take it without involving my children in that process at all.

 

However, I have been called upon by various friends to pitch in as an extra auntie, with help or advice of some kind, and I'm always ready to do that!

 

Sometimes, parents were never properly mentored, themselves. They don't have the confidence that parents need. So they look around, see someone who appears to know what they're doing, and ask for help. I think that is wise.

 

My friend is a homeschooling Mom of 3. She loves her children and is a great mother, but she butts heads with her oldest son pretty often. I admire her sooooo much, because she didn't just hug her pride and let the relationship worsen. Instead, she deliberately built a village around him. He now has mentors, surrogate aunts, uncles, and grandparents, an employer, and good friends all solely because of his mother's determined efforts to bring good people into his life.

 

She loved him enough to find some help when he wouldn't respond well to just her and his Dad. Her transparency and ability to reach out to others are giving her son a future and a safety net.

 

That is a beautiful story.

[IsabelC]

The first person I go to is my husband, and usually if I'm getting nowhere he will have some more ideas. But I wouldn't rule out asking a friend to guide or discuss things with my children, as long as it was a close friend who had the same values as us. I do accept - and expect - friends to supply gentle discipline if I'm otherwise occupied and the kids need it. Likewise, if my friend is sitting inside breastfeeding at my house and her older child is behaving inappropriately outside I will intervene, and the people we know are fine with that.

[Stages]

My sister has asked me before to talk to my niece about things (boys, depression, etc.) and my mother-in-law has asked for help with my SIL (now 15). Outside of family, though, I don't know anyone who has done this.

[Heather in Neverland]

I guess I would vote yes as we have a full-time live-in nanny who has already raised two children and is older than me. I respect her advice and trust her with my child completely when I am not at home.

[Melissa in Australia]

I don't myself, but have seen many others who do something similar to what you described, so I voted "yes."

same here

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

When my kids were little, my mom had lots of input. Most of which, I agreed with and learned from. A few I did not. But that's part of growing up (I'm talking about me as a mom, not the kids)

Now that I have a teen and a pre-teen, I am letting more and more people deal with my kids directly, and influence them. Pre-teen trains 18 hrs a week. Her coach is a big influence. Teen will join cadets in the fall. In fact, I wish he would have more adults in his life, but he tends to stay home all the time.

[Gratia271]

Please read all of this before voting so you know what I'm talking about! I'm not talking about how we all touch each other's lives and influence each other. I'm talking about more direct interaction with the specific intention of guiding a child in some way.

 

Here's why I ask. Yesterday a woman friend told me about how when a mutual friend's child was recently upset, the mother called her to ask her to calm down the child over the phone. She talked to the girl and did calm the child down.

 

Not so long ago, I had a mom friend who was visiting ask me to talk to her child about lying and why it was wrong. I was a bit confused at her request and asked why she couldn't talk to her child herself but was told that she'd tried but since the child wasn't listening to her, she wanted me to try. I did talk to the child a bit - we talked about the story of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf". I never did get a report as to if it helped or not.

 

That is two examples that I know of where people have specifically asked others to parent their child. It was something that caught me off guard because that isn't something I would even think of asking someone else to participate in. I'm just wondering, without attaching any value judgments to it, if this is something that you ask others to do or know of people who do this. I used the words "raise" and "parent" in a neutral way - at least that was my intent.

 

And I'm not adding "other" because I'm feeling ornery and I figure you'll post and tell me about your "others" anyway.

 

 

I don't myself, but family members do. I have been asked to do it with family members also, but I tread lightly because they are not my children. IMO, the most important thing in these matters is to promote the family relationship rather than undermine it (which I have witnessed too many times!). An older niece, for example, identifies far more with me than with her mother. I have endeavored to use that influence to promote her relationship with her mom. God gave her a mom, and it isn't me. That said, I love her dearly... but my role as part of her "village" is to promote a good relationship with her parents. I also have a nephew who prefers me to his mother... I take the time to listen to him and teach him about things he wants to learn whereas his mom is very busy. I still point him toward his mom and take every opportunity to promote that bond while, at the same time, meeting his needs to the best of my abilities.

[Chris in VA]

I had to. I put my son in treatment, and then learned how to parent him while he was there. It broke my heart to be so inadequate.

In general, though, I think it's a parent's responsibility to raise her child. Or his child, whatever. I don't like to see daycare, I don't like to think someone else has responsibility for that, but sometimes, it's needed.

 

Interestingly, my son just discussed "being raised" by other people because his parents couldn't handle him. He is resentful and feels it handicapped him. Don't ask me why, we are still figuring that one out. It hurt to know he felt we had not been good parents to that child.

 

Now, what you are talking about, Jean, seems different--I don't think it's a bad thing, to ask someone else to talk to your child (general "your"), but I think you should have a go at it yourself first, and learn how to do it eventually. Hope that makes sense.

[snickelfritz]

I wouldn't do this at this point in my life. But, I can visualize a situation where the parent/child relationship had disintegrated. Maybe they are CONSTANTLY butting heads, such that the child won't really listen to the parent. Maybe they are working on fixing it, which takes time. Maybe a situation comes up where the child needs to listen to sense immediately on a situation, but is too old for a parent to hold them down and make them. I could totally see that bringing in a respected (by the child) outsider might get through to them when a parent can't.

 

I have more respect for those that ask for outside help than those that ignore a situation completely. I don't put them in the same category as dropping off your kids and leaving, planning on other adults to just absorb the responsibility.