My MIL just told me...

[specialmama]

that she's concerned about her gd (my dd). Sounds lovely, doesn't it? It was prefaced with this:

"Karyn, has she got her period yet?"

me, not wanting to get into personal information here, hum and haw and say the oh-so-elusive, "maybe, maybe not."

"You don't know?"

"Yes, I do, but she prefers to keep personal information... you know, personal."

"I am concerned that you don't tell her what it is all about. I'm afraid for her. I want to talk to her please."

 

:001_huh: umm...

 

no? No you can't talk to your gd?

 

Thankfully dd was out. What in the world do I say? This is so out of my comfort zone to be discussing with my MIL... the one who openly questioned me about clot size after my dd was born... in front of my FIL! I refuse to let her talk to dd about anything of the sort! ARG! MIL is very strong willed and bold. Picture the mother in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, that's her, right off the boat from Megalopoli, Greece. What would you say to someone so bold? *sigh* I told her not to worry, that I had everything under control. She still insisted that she speak to her, to be sure that her gd is prepared. :banghead: I need some super-backbone, this regular one isn't cutting it. Or a new phone number. Or a voice synthesizer so I can sound like dd on the phone.

[Nakia]

:svengo:

 

I don't even know what to say. I have zero MIL experience. I do want to say I admire you for handling it with such grace.

[Snickerdoodle]

Totally way out of line.

[extendedforecast]

My goodness! I'm sorry you have to deal with such a strong personality. I have no advice. Um, I'd probably tell DH that he needs to tell his mom to mind her own business in this particular situation. You've already tried to politely tell her, maybe she will listen to him. I'd also give DD the heads up so that she wouldn't be caught by surprise if grandma got a chance to talk to her before DH.

[UnsinkableKristen]

"I've got it covered, but thanks. I've got books, movies, a life-sized model with movable pieces, and we have heartfelt conversations about our lady parts for over 5 hours every week ."

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

"I've got it covered, but thanks. I've got books, movies, a life-sized model with movable pieces, and we have heartfelt conversations about our lady parts for over 5 hours every week ."

 

:lol:

[melissel]

Oh my word. I'd just tell her no, that DD would be absolutely mortified to speak to anyone but her mother about such personal issues, and you have it all under control. But thank you so very much for loving your granddaughter and caring about her needs.

 

After that, you can tell her that the discussion is closed, thank you.

 

I'd also warn DD that grandma might be coming after her, and to tell her that DD doesn't want to talk about personal issues like that with her (unless she really does, in which case, you know, have at it!).

 

Why would your MIL think that you're not preparing your DD for imminent puberty?!

[Danestress]

"Thank you so much for asking before you tried to talk to DD about something that really is a mother job. I love that you love her so much and worry about her. But really, it's my job as a Mom to prepare her, and I want to assure you that we are all set. I really appreciate that you honored that boundary in advance, because it really is Mom territory."

[FaithManor]

"This is my daughter, not yours. You WILL NOT speak to her about this. It is not your business and I respect dd's privacy. She would be mortified to have you approach her about the topic. Should you defy me in doing so, you will not be allowed any private time with dd in the forseeable future." Said, calmly, with a fixed gaze and a "Now, on to a more pleasant subject. Would you like some tea?"

 

My MIL is a former nurse, pediatric nurse specialist, short stint as a L&D nurse, and Nicu-nurse. She was capable of being a real stinker. BTDT and had to get forceful with her a couple of times. She learned to back off.

 

Faith, who didn't have a backbone when she got married but eventually grew one!

[Remudamom]

Tell her to mind her own ****ed business. That's so out of line it's unbelievable. And if I knew my dd wouldn't want to discuss it with the dear old dragon I'd help her prepare something to say before she gets ambushed.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Very good point about warning the child. This is one Grandma that should definitely come with a warning label!

[cin]

Very good point about warning the child. This is one Grandma that should definitely come with a warning label!

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

I also agree that DH needs to to get involved, if for no other reason, than to show his daughter that she and her privacy are important to him.

[NanceXToo]

Well, if your daughter is old enough to get her period, she's old enough to say to her: "So, Grandma was asking about this. I told her it was personal but she insisted she wanted to talk to you about it herself, she thinks I won't give you all the information you need- ha ha. Do you feel comfortable with letting her talk to you about it, or do you want me to tell her you'd rather not?"

 

I mean, I'd have no problem saying something like that to my 10 y/o dd.

 

If your daughter is fine with it go ahead and put her on the phone.

 

If she's not, you politely but firmly tell MIL, "I'm sorry, but I asked dd if she is comfortable with speaking to you about this, and she is not. You're just going to have to leave this between mother and daughter and let it go."

[Harriet Vane]

"This is my daughter, not yours. You WILL NOT speak to her about this. It is not your business and I respect dd's privacy. She would be mortified to have you approach her about the topic. Should you defy me in doing so, you will not be allowed any private time with dd in the forseeable future." Said, calmly, with a fixed gaze and a "Now, on to a more pleasant subject. Would you like some tea?"

 

 

 

:iagree:

[Hedgehog]

:blink::svengo: Good grief. Nice vote of confidence there from grandma, not. She needs to back off!

 

"I've got it covered, but thanks. I've got books, movies, a life-sized model with movable pieces, and we have heartfelt conversations about our lady parts for over 5 hours every week ."

 

:smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5:

[Night Elf]

How comfortable are you about telling her off? Because I would tell her that as a mom, I'm absolutely insulted that she would push this point after I told her the answer was "NO", and that if I found out she even approached the subject with my child, I would have no recourse but to be present at every encounter she would have with my daughter AND I wouldn't apologize for whisking her away at the first sign of something inappropriate. Period. Does your DH condone this behavior in his mom? Some guys are too intimidated by their mothers to speak firmly to them.

[Jean in Newcastle]

AND I wouldn't apologize for whisking her away at the first sign of something inappropriate. Period.

 

I'm so immature. This struck me as funny in this context.:D

[Tammyla]

"No need to worry, we have it under control."

[missesd]

I am all about boundaries lately. I would simply say, "This is not your place. It is mine." If she has a DD of her own, I would add "You've had your chance/time with ______, and no one imposed upon your decision making abilities or special talks with her, I would appreciate it if you would do the same." And that's it, end of story. I am pretty strong-willed too, if she kept trying to push it, I would just say "That is the end of the discussion, now we can continue to have a rather pleasant conversation about other topics, or we can end the conversation... your choice."

[missesd]

Well, if your daughter is old enough to get her period, she's old enough to say to her: "So, Grandma was asking about this. I told her it was personal but she insisted she wanted to talk to you about it herself, she thinks I won't give you all the information you need- ha ha. Do you feel comfortable with letting her talk to you about it, or do you want me to tell her you'd rather not?"

 

I mean, I'd have no problem saying something like that to my 10 y/o dd.

 

If your daughter is fine with it go ahead and put her on the phone.

 

If she's not, you politely but firmly tell MIL, "I'm sorry, but I asked dd if she is comfortable with speaking to you about this, and she is not. You're just going to have to leave this between mother and daughter and let it go."

 

I like this too, except I would end it with "You're just going to have to leave this between mother and respect that."

 

I have a feeling she *really* needs that respect thing drilled into her head.

[Margo out of lurking]

My mil questioned me similarly several years ago. Dh took over and told her it was none of her business, and no, she was NOT allowed to talk to dd about it. There is a reason we live 3000 miles away from mil. Dh allows mil limited contact with our kids. It's better now that they are older; she's much more appropriate in her conversations, and the boundaries have become more clear to her.

 

*I* would tell her, NO, you may not speak to my daughter about this, it is a private matter and she's not interested in discussing it. I would also prepare my dd that her gma may ask, and I would tell her it is perfectly acceptable to tell her, "Grandma! Please! I am NOT going to talk about this with you!"

 

Under normal circumstances, it would be odd to say, no, you cannot talk to your gd. However, your mil is not operating under "normal circumstances."

 

:angry: Wow, I'm even typing hard, this is bringing up unpleasant memories!

.

[6packofun]

I think I'd give her the "Oh, I'm sorry, you had your chance to be a parent--thanks for your son, btw!--and this one definitely falls under my parental authority. Thanks for the concern, but it's utterly unwarranted."

 

And then I'd get dh and tell him he'd BETTER back me up on keeping grandma out of dd's personal business. I'd also warn dd that grandma might be broaching the subject and give her a few good, strong lines for avoideing that conversation gracefully, but firmly. "I've already talked about this with my mom, thanks." would be a good one to start with; probably need stronger ones for back up. LOL

[Alicia64]

Thankfully dd was out. What in the world do I say? This is so out of my comfort zone to be discussing with my MIL... the one who openly questioned me about clot size after my dd was born...

 

I wanted to say that for her to ask about your clot size shows that she has a serious boundary problem. That's just inappropriate.

 

She's crossing several boundaries by bringing this up. Everyone knows this is more of a mom/daughter thing unless the daughter goes straight to the grandma.

 

In theory I would say, "this is an issue between the two of us. It's personal for her and I've learned to be respectful of her privacy. Please don't say anything."

 

In reality, I'd feel so awkward being firm. But that's me. Still I can be a mama bear. In protecting my child from a woman who has poor boundaries, I think I'd say, "it's really between my daughter and myself."

 

Then I'd hit the ice cream.

 

Alley

[Remudamom]

Respect, phfft. Some people just need to fear you.

[Cindyz]

"Thank you so much for asking before you tried to talk to DD about something that really is a mother job. I love that you love her so much and worry about her. But really, it's my job as a Mom to prepare her, and I want to assure you that we are all set. I really appreciate that you honored that boundary in advance, because it really is Mom territory."

 

 

:iagree:

 

Wow, I'm shocked at how mean and hateful most of the suggested replies are. :001_huh:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I'm so immature. This struck me as funny in this context.:D

 

:lol::lol:

[JoyfulMama]

I understand wanting to have the MIL respect the relationship between mother and daughter, but I would also be glad to be able to have someone else that would be willing to talk to dd IF DD WANTED TO. I think it is important for there to be someone OTHER than the mother that a teen girl can go to with questions.

However, I would also be very curious what MIL would feel I would not tell dd, which would be soooo important that she wants to talk to her herself. Now, it might also be possible that her grandmother had a similar conversation with her once upon a time, and it was some great bonding moment... :confused: Who knows...

(My head is feeling like a balloon, so I may not be making any sense.)

[Remudamom]

:iagree:

 

Wow, I'm shocked at how mean and hateful most of the suggested replies are. :001_huh:

 

Read the original post. This mil has no idea of appropriate bounderies. She pushes when she shouldn't. She needs a good smack of reality.

 

Dang, I wouldn't dream of saying something like that to my dil. Of course, the fact that she is going to be a fab mom has nothing to do with it.:lol:

[Pretty in Pink]

That just strikes me as such an odd request...demand...on your MIL's part. I mean, it's almost absurd. What in the world does she think you are keeping from your dd? Or does she think you are going to go all 'Carrie' on her and tell her that her period is a sign of her wickedness? Good grief. I feel like I must be missing something... :confused:

 

Of course, one of our boys just had a birthday. Today a package arrived for him from my DMIL. Inside his birthday card she had tucked a 6-page article on keeping a tidy home (for my benefit, of course). :glare: You have my sympathies in the misguided MIL department.

[justamouse]

"Thank you so much for asking before you tried to talk to DD about something that really is a mother job. I love that you love her so much and worry about her. But really, it's my job as a Mom to prepare her, and I want to assure you that we are all set. I really appreciate that you honored that boundary in advance, because it really is Mom territory."

:iagree:

 

 

If she really is like that mother-remember how loving that mother was and know that she comes from a place that is truly concerned-though misguided. Does she have any cultural practices for that time that you may not be aware of?

[Mommyfaithe]

"I've got it covered, but thanks. I've got books, movies, a life-sized model with movable pieces, and we have heartfelt conversations about our lady parts for over 5 hours every week ."

 

yep...that'd work. :D

[lula]

Just another persective: Could she have not had anyone tell her before she got her period and so had a traumatic time? Perhaps, then the answer of "Maybe, maybe not" kind of freaked her out and she (however rudely or ill-mannered she presented it) was concerned about your dd?

 

I agree that she seems to way over-cross boundaries and needs to be called on it but perhaps some of her personal experiences are coloring her perspective. If she is just a loud-mouthed person in general I doubt that this aspect of her personality will recede when she discusses topics that are personal to you. Good luck, she seems like a force to be reckoned with gingerly.

[KristinaBreece]

I think I'd give her the "Oh, I'm sorry, you had your chance to be a parent--thanks for your son, btw!--and this one definitely falls under my parental authority. Thanks for the concern, but it's utterly unwarranted."

 

 

:lol:

This reminds me of my relationship with my MIL. She desperately wanted a daughter, but they'd been waiting on an adoption list for 8 years when DH was born... and they were already 35, so he was the only one they got. She really does think he's the great gift of my life (he IS... but that's not the point) and that no one (except for that girl he dated in high school, who is now regularly mentioned in random conversations) is good enough for him. :glare: We get the "concerned grandma" questions, too. I just tune her out. When the kids get older, that might be harder.

[ondreeuh]

I would ask her if this is really about her concern for your dd, or is it really about her lack of confidence in you as a mother? Because if she doesn't trust you to take care of your own child, then she needs to address it with you rather than try to make up for your "faults."

 

Maybe she was uneducated herself, and wants to spare little girls from the same thing (maybe she's even done this with other girls?). But she needs to realize that this is Mom Territory, and you've got it covered.

[Danestress]

Maybe it's a cultural thing or something that it's hard to understand unless you are the people involved. I read that GM said "I'm worried about X, may I talk to DD?" I was sort of impressed she asked for permission.

 

I get that it sort of implies that maybe Mom has done an inadequate job or isn't equipped to have that talk herself. I can see why it might grate. Definitely. But I just read it and figured GM maybe had a really bad experience as a girl and wants to smooth the way for her Granddaughter. Mom can say "no." But asking doesn't seem like a crime.

[Dolphin]

My MIL will get "worried" about something every few years. I have to lay down the law and then it is fairly peaceful for a few years. Last time was she was worried that ds wasn't eating enough. She kept saying she was "worried", I called her on it. I asked her why she thought that dh and I were bad parents, and that if she was genuinely worried she should call the department of human services on us. She told me that she didn't mean it like that, but I said no, if you are worried about something that is crucial to my children's well being, you are telling me that my parenting is not adequate. I call it like I see it, if she is being passive aggressive about something and "worrying" about your dd, don't be passive aggressive back, tell her that this is what is coming across. IT gets my big fat Greek wedding MIL off my back for awhile. Each time seems to last longer.

 

I started when they were young. ds had a period where he really fussed going down for naps, she came in and started telling me everything that i was doing wrong. I calmly handed her her crying grandson and told her she was obviously a better mother than me, so she could do it and went for an hour long walk. When I came back to her house I was given lots of kisses and cuddles and told what a wonderful little mum I was.

 

The nice thing for me is that although MIL is over the top and oversteps her bounds, she is also over the top in her love and affection. I hope yours is too.

[milovany]

 

If she really is like that mother-remember how loving that mother was and know that she comes from a place that is truly concerned-though misguided. Does she have any cultural practices for that time that you may not be aware of?

 

I'm thinking along the lines of Mouse (if she's meaning the Greek mother in MBFGW). The bolded part above is what I got out of your original post, not some boundary-illiterate overbearing MIL. For what it's worth.

[aggieamy]

Of course, one of our boys just had a birthday. Today a package arrived for him from my DMIL. Inside his birthday card she had tucked a 6-page article on keeping a tidy home (for my benefit, of course). :glare: You have my sympathies in the misguided MIL department.

 

Oh no. I just had a horrible realization. I'm that person. I'm always sending my sister books on housekeeping and parenting because you know - who doesn't like tips on housekeeping and parenting. Oh geez. :001_huh: Guess I'll just send recipes from here on out.

 

Pink - I don't know your MIL but some of us are just tacky and not mean spirited. Maybe she thinks your really into housekeeping and organization. :grouphug:

[HeidiKC]

:lol:

"I've got it covered, but thanks. I've got books, movies, a life-sized model with movable pieces, and we have heartfelt conversations about our lady parts for over 5 hours every week ."

[Liz CA]

"I've got it covered, but thanks. I've got books, movies, a life-sized model with movable pieces, and we have heartfelt conversations about our lady parts for over 5 hours every week ."

 

:lol: :lol:

[arghmatey]

"Thank you so much for asking before you tried to talk to DD about something that really is a mother job. I love that you love her so much and worry about her. But really, it's my job as a Mom to prepare her, and I want to assure you that we are all set. I really appreciate that you honored that boundary in advance, because it really is Mom territory."

 

This is polite and to the point. If she persists, then I would be less polite and move to "You will not discuss this topic with DD. When you are ready to respect my decision about this, you may see DD again. Please do not bring this up again." Obviously you would craft the language to suit your personality.

[OnTheBrink]

Respect, phfft. Some people just need to fear you.

 

Yep. And sometimes, looking them straight in the eye, speaking with an even but firm tone and stating very clearly that they need to back the **** off can instill that fear.

 

So I've heard. :Angel_anim:

 

Seriously, though, I think the response to grandma needs to be in accordance to her motives. If she's just overbearing and pushy and can't MHOB, then firm and forceful is called for. If she's just a worrier or is coming from a place of being traumatized by not knowing, then I'd be a bit softer, but still firm about the boundaries.

[RanchGirl]

This is polite and to the point. If she persists, then I would be less polite and move to "You will not discuss this topic with DD. When you are ready to respect my decision about this, you may see DD again. Please do not bring this up again." Obviously you would craft the language to suit your personality.

 

 

:iagree: With Danestress and arghmatey. You clearly have to be more direct with this woman than you have been... that doesn't mean rude, but it may mean being very very clear about what you consider the line to be.

 

Also, just because I'm genuinely curious, I would probably say something like "what makes you think I can't handle this?" I mean, you're the mom, you've presumably got the same lady parts... how are you not qualified?

[elegantlion]

I'm so immature. This struck me as funny in this context.:D

 

It's after midnight, I'm not supposed to laugh out loud, but I just did.

 

Yep. And sometimes, looking them straight in the eye, speaking with an even but firm tone and stating very clearly that they need to back the **** off can instill that fear.

 

So I've heard. :Angel_anim:

 

Seriously, though, I think the response to grandma needs to be in accordance to her motives. If she's just overbearing and pushy and can't MHOB, then firm and forceful is called for. If she's just a worrier or is coming from a place of being traumatized by not knowing, then I'd be a bit softer, but still firm about the boundaries.

:iagree: I would have been a little put off by the question, but firmly state my position and hope she would abide by that.

 

Clot size?? I really thought I had heard it all on this board.

[Night Elf]

I'm so immature. This struck me as funny in this context.:D

 

:tongue_smilie: I didn't even see that. I laughed too!

 

I'd also warn dd that grandma might be broaching the subject and give her a few good, strong lines for avoideing that conversation gracefully, but firmly.

 

I know this is a serious response but the first thought that came into my mind if I was that child would be to look mortified, put my hands over my ears, and sing La La La La.. while running away. :lol: I'm thinking of my mom broaching that subject with my girls. Egads! Neither of them even wanted me to tell my mom that they had gotten their periods. When it eventually came up, I told my mom that they were teens and had very intense feelings of privacy, but that she could talk to me about the topic all she wanted.

 

But we never discussed clot size! Ewww!!

[Pretty in Pink]

Oh no. I just had a horrible realization. I'm that person. I'm always sending my sister books on housekeeping and parenting because you know - who doesn't like tips on housekeeping and parenting. Oh geez. :001_huh: Guess I'll just send recipes from here on out.

 

Pink - I don't know your MIL but some of us are just tacky and not mean spirited. Maybe she thinks your really into housekeeping and organization. :grouphug:

 

I hope I didn't make you feel badly! My MIL is something else entirely -- always making snarky comments about my messy house, my underdressed children (seriously, she thinks they need socks and sweaters in 80 degree weather!), homeschooling, my cooking skills, etc. She complains about me not working to help support our family, then complains about me going to school so that I can get a decent job, complains about the kids attending daycare while I go to school, the list goes on.

[Laurie4b]

that she's concerned about her gd (my dd). Sounds lovely, doesn't it? It was prefaced with this:

"Karyn, has she got her period yet?"

me, not wanting to get into personal information here, hum and haw and say the oh-so-elusive, "maybe, maybe not."

"You don't know?"

"Yes, I do, but she prefers to keep personal information... you know, personal."

"I am concerned that you don't tell her what it is all about. I'm afraid for her. I want to talk to her please."

 

:001_huh: umm...

 

no? No you can't talk to your gd?

 

Thankfully dd was out. What in the world do I say? This is so out of my comfort zone to be discussing with my MIL... the one who openly questioned me about clot size after my dd was born... in front of my FIL! I refuse to let her talk to dd about anything of the sort! ARG! MIL is very strong willed and bold. Picture the mother in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, that's her, right off the boat from Megalopoli, Greece. What would you say to someone so bold? *sigh* I told her not to worry, that I had everything under control. She still insisted that she speak to her, to be sure that her gd is prepared. :banghead: I need some super-backbone, this regular one isn't cutting it. Or a new phone number. Or a voice synthesizer so I can sound like dd on the phone.

 

Well, if she's culturally bold, you need to be culturally bold back. "I TOLD you that I had taken care of it! What? You don't believe me? You think I'm a bad mother? After all I've done, how can you SAY that to me. DH , your mother thinks I am a bad mother! What? You don't understand what personal means? P.E.R.S.O.N.A.L it means she doesn't like to talk to anyone about it. IGNORANT is the word for she doesn't know about it. You think your grand daughter is ignorant? Hey, can you give me your recipe for baklava again? DH says I never make it like you" :D

 

What does dh say?

Edited February 13, 2011 by Laurie4b

[specialmama]

Well, if she's culturally bold, you need to be culturally bold back. "I TOLD you that I had taken care of it! What? You don't believe me? You think I'm a bad mother? After all I've done, how can you SAY that to me. DH , your mother thinks I am a bad mother! What? You don't understand what personal means? P.E.R.S.O.N.A.L it means she doesn't like to talk to anyone about it. IGNORANT is the word for she doesn't know about it. You think your grand daughter is ignorant? Hey, can you give me your recipe for baklava again? DH says I never make it like you" :D

 

What does dh say?

 

I can't pull that off without a thick (fake) Italian accent. :lol::lol::lol:

[specialmama]

Gosh, there are so many replies to this that I can't possibly answer all the questions.

 

OK so I talked to dh and dd over pizza. Warned them that yiayia will likely bring this up, and that it is okay to say "thank you yiayia, but that is private with my mom." Dh doesn't really see anything wrong with it, because he grew up with invasive and bold questions all the time, and he has a hard time knowing what is socially appropriate himself. Sooo, I explained why this is not good to talk about and he gets it and is on board. As to why she is saying this, I believe the reasons are twofold: I think she was terribly scarred when it happened to her, and yes, there is a HUGE mountain of respect that I do not get from her. From day one there was "competition" from her. The best example I have is that 2 mths after our wedding I asked him when he had time to iron his shirts, as I hadn't seen him doing it, and I certainly hadn't seen any go through the wash. Turns out his mom had been picking them up, washing, ironing and returning, all on the sly. :glare: I put an end to that btw... but there are always glaring examples of "you're not good enough for my boy" thrown at me. This is just an extension of that. I love her dearly, but oy! Can I please read the fine-print on this marriage contract? There has got to be some MIL clause in there that I can use to my advantage! :tongue_smilie:

 

As for how I will handle it if this comes up again: "Oh MIL, please wait a moment while I find a certain thread on the Hive..." I have some excellent ideas on what to say now! :grouphug:

[kalphs]

"I've got it covered, but thanks. I've got books, movies, a life-sized model with movable pieces, and we have heartfelt conversations about our lady parts for over 5 hours every week ."

:lol::lol::lol::lol: