Brilliant Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I was looking for some info on the Paperback Swap site and found this on their message board. It made me laugh so hard I almost cried. SELF-TEST FOR LITERATURE ABUSERS How many of these apply to you? 1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up. 2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day. 3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters. 4. I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work. 5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without being seen. 6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read novels. 7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters speak. 8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby. 9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read. 10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise avoid. 11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have finished a novel. 12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead. 13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted. 14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers. 15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading. 16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading. 17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read. 18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much. 19. Sometimes I think my reading is out of control. If you answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, you may be a literature abuser. Affirmative responses to five or more indicates a serious problem. Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen to new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The Number of literature abusers is currently at record levels. ... OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or heavy fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games, participate in healthy sports, or watch television in the evening. PREVENTION Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular should seek partners active in other fields. Children should be encouraged to seek physical activity and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection. DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study literature in our colleges. Parents should look for signs that their children are taking the wrong path--don't expect your teenager to approach you and say, "I can't stop reading Spenser." By the time you visit her dorm room and find the secret stash of the Paris Review, it may already be too late. What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major: (Spoiler alert re: Madame Bovary. Skip #1 below.) 1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her know you won't abandon her--but that you aren't spending a hundred grand to put her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either. But remember that she may not be able to make a decision without help; perhaps she has just finished Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic poisoning. 2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: "I found this book in your purse. How long has this been going on?" Ask the hard question--Who is this Count Vronsky? 3. Show her another way. Move the television set into her room. Introduce her to frat boys. 4. Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her stop signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math class, or minor in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college. You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more of the following applies: * She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died. * She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet. * Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf, Faulkner or any scene from the Lake District. Most importantly, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for yourself or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in your telephone directory. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hsbaby Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sasharowan Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 :001_huh: Uh oh, all but 2 apply to me. :lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jayne J Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Oh the shame!!:crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vettechmomof2 Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Yep, raising hand here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I never knew I had a problem. I can quit any time I want to. I just don't want to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Love it! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntPol Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 This makes my day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giraffe Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Just because I once got off the subway at the wrong stop and started walking to my office for at least a block before realizing I was in the wrong place (because I was reading while walking) does not mean I have a problem. I refuse to discuss the time(s) I've spent the grocery money at the bookstore. Harrumph. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I will not admit to how many I said yes to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Hilarious! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalypso Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Love this. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
treestarfae Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 :thumbup: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 But ... But... But ... I don't WANT to quit. I like my addiction, thank you very much (and secretly can't wait until summer when I can spend all day reading and nobody can stop me BWAA HAAA HAAA!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkle Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Guilty as charged :lol: Too funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnitWit Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I LOVE this!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcjlkplus3 Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 But ... But... But ... I don't WANT to quit. I like my addiction, thank you very much (and secretly can't wait until summer when I can spend all day reading and nobody can stop me BWAA HAAA HAAA!) :iagree: I never knew I had a problem. I can quit any time I want to. I just don't want to. :iagree: I will not admit to how many I said yes to. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah C. Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Not only am I addicted, I've been addicted since about the age of four. :D :D :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in PA Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 :lol: That's me, right down to the lit degree. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GypsieFamily Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I had an early night last night. Woke up in the middle of the night to find that dh, dd8 and ds9 were all reading Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Hilarious!!!! Guilty as charged. In my case the intervention "introduce to frat boys" didn't take--I'm married to a former frat boy, and still swallow books whole.:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirstin Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Hahahahahaha~! Just what I needed. How totally funny. Blessings! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkInTheBlue Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Oh my goodness. I also said yes to all but maybe 2 or 3. Wow! I'm glad to see I'm not alone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I will not admit to how many I said yes to. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I will not admit to how many I said yes to. :iagree: Me either! I won't tell you the names of my cats either! :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hen Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 I won't admit to how many I said yes to, either. Have not passed out per se, but have on occasion read so long and late that I was dizzy and nauseous. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Alas! I love it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Hi. My name is Heather and I am a Literature Abuser. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Oh no... I never knew. And to make matters worse, I'm raising my own literature abusers! Today Imogen wanted to carry a book into Walmart so she could walk around reading it while we shopped! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 I will not admit to how many I said yes to. :iagree: But will admit to carrying my Kindle with me nearly everywhere in case an unexpected opportunity arises. . . :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Just sent it to all my FB friends. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom22ns Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Um, ok so I'm a serious abuser, I admit it. My DH has often told me the same, but I'm not sure I appreciate this intervention. :glare: :lol::lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 :lol: oh boy..... We need a serious 12 step program in this house.....:lol::lol: Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Medieval Mom Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) :lol: Love this! But for the record, my cat's name is from a literary character, not poet ;) Edited January 5, 2011 by Medieval Mom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 :lol: Love this! But for the record, my cat's name is from a literary character, not poet ;) Same here. I named a cat Ophelia, so clearly, I don't really have a problem. It doesn't count... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asta Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 I don't know if Pickles the Fire Cat counts as literature... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 This was posted on the wall in the English department at my undergrad :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deacongirl Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) love this, thanks for sharing--the english major part reminded me of this http://www.amazon.com/English-Majors-Collection-Literate-Companion/dp/1598875884 and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V946uL0xMTA Edited January 5, 2011 by deacongirl accidentally linked to boots I was lusting over instead of prairie home companion Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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