Do you work?

[Denisemomof4]

How many times do SAHM's get asked this question? And then how many times do we have to hear the obligatory, "Oh, we all know how hard you work. Being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world!" Yada, yada, yada, Blah, blah, blah. I just want to shout, "SHUT UP!!!"

 

When I was asked this question today, it was the first time ever that I just sat there glaring at the person, as if to say, "DON'T GO THERE." I've had to listen to the same line of crap for 18 years now.

 

BTW, I was told once by a dr that I needed to go out and find a REAL job so that I didn't have time to sit at home dreaming up sicknesses that I didn't have. I was there because I kept feeling dizzy. Isn't it funny that at 33, thin, and vegetarian I was put on high BP meds THAT DAY and have been on them ever since. Gee, the power I must have to dream up that sickness!!!

 

I don't know, it just bothered me today.

[scmama]

I hate that question too. I get it all the time. As if these kids of mine just raise themselves and the magic fairies come clean my house!

I was told when I had my first son, my life was over and I wouldn't do anything with my life! Can you believe that? Hmmm I wonder what they would say now?! They weren't that important though to begin with!

[jld]

Don't you kind of understand where people might be coming from, though? If a woman doesn't have to work for pay in America, she is pretty lucky, don't you think?

[patchfire]

There's a woman like that whom I'm acquainted with, and she actually uses my homeschooling to put down 'just' SAHMs. It's particularly obnoxious for others - "Oh, Kash, I know *you* work hard, with homeschooling" - and while on some level it feels 'nice' to have homeschooling acknowledged, the implication that SAHMing isn't 'work' is pretty rude, all in all.

[Amber in AUS]

Hehehe, i am always tempted to respond with "I am the principal of the most exclusive private school in the state. It is a very demanding 24/7 operation."

[simka2]

Don't you kind of understand where people might be coming from, though? If a woman doesn't have to work for pay in America, she is pretty lucky, don't you think?

 

 

This is where the frustration comes in!!!! Lucky...maybe, if you were born rich or haven't been touched my the loss of a loved one. To say we are lucky is to totally negate the very tough and wise decisions we have had to make. That is not to say that moms who have to work only do so because they make poor choices, but being able to stay home with my kids has never had anything to do with luck!

 

I stayed home when dh made $28K and when he made $100K. And at $28K I was able to manage are home in such a way as to pay off our debt. Granted it was hard and really sucked at times, but we did it!

[Denisemomof4]

Don't you kind of understand where people might be coming from, though? If a woman doesn't have to work for pay in America, she is pretty lucky, don't you think?

 

but that's my point. I work VERY hard. My friend who works a full time job but has no children or husband has a much EASIER life than I do. Her life isn't as fulfilling, but it's easier.

 

I do feel lucky to not have to work outside the home, but I do work very hard.

[Denisemomof4]

Hehehe, i am always tempted to respond with "I am the principal of the most exclusive private school in the state. It is a very demanding 24/7 operation."

 

if I'm at, say, a doctor's office, I tell them I'm a teacher. I am. I then get the respect I deserve, the respect I *don't* get when I say I'm a SAHM. On the other hand, today I had to state that I *didn't* work because we were making a major purchase and I had no salary to prove I could pay for it.

[Lara in Colo]

I sometimes feel like they are placating me with the whole 'it's the hardest job in the world' stuff. It isn't. It's hard, yes but the way some people gush just rings false.

 

Lara

[Murphy101]

Yes. I'm a domestic enginneer.

Yes, I'm a personal shopper.

Yes, I'm in education and human development research and analysis.

 

I work exclusively pro bono.

 

;)

[Denisemomof4]

This is where the frustration comes in!!!! Lucky...maybe, if you were born rich or haven't been touched my the loss of a loved one. To say we are lucky is to totally negate the very tough and wise decisions we have had to make. That is not to say that moms who have to work only do so because they make poor choices, but being able to stay home with my kids has never had anything to do with luck!

 

I stayed home when dh made $28K and when he made $100K. And at $28K I was able to manage are home in such a way as to pay off our debt. Granted it was hard and really sucked at times, but we did it!

 

:iagree: Lucky to stay home, WILLING TO SACRIFICE. Staying home and giving up a second paycheck is a HUGE sacrifice to some. Earlier in my SAHM years we could have REALLY used extra money.

[jld]

Sure, we work hard and we sacrifice, and for some of us, we probably save more money staying at home and homeschooling than working and paying for services we might otherwise need/want.

 

But I still think we're lucky to have the choice in the first place. Not every woman does . . .

[scubamama]

My dh gave me some money to go and get my brows waxed and have the afternoon off (nice!). The salon lady (mid 50's) asked me what I did for a living during the idle chit chat...I told her I'm at home with my kids and I educate them. "Oh, a little housewife...how nice for you. I always worked for everything." I was so furious! But, then I realized that most people just speak without thinking. It's a good thing that's not a punishable crime!

My mom always used to say that being dumb wasn't a crime, but what folks wanted to do to the stipid person probably was.

[QueenCat]

Hehehe, i am always tempted to respond with "I am the principal of the most exclusive private school in the state. It is a very demanding 24/7 operation."

 

:thumbup:I LOVE your idea!!!! Let us know if you ever actually use it..... would love to hear the response!!!!!:lol:

[ClassicalTwins]

My hubby is a stay home dad...you should see those looks and comments about that. We run a business but it is a consulting firm so I am the brains behind the operation as he can't do the consulting work, but he can keep my mind at ease that our kids are being cared for properly and safely.

[alpidarkomama]

Don't you kind of understand where people might be coming from, though? If a woman doesn't have to work for pay in America, she is pretty lucky, don't you think?

 

It ain't luck! :)

[Scarlett]

Don't you kind of understand where people might be coming from, though? If a woman doesn't have to work for pay in America, she is pretty lucky, don't you think?

 

I think I see what you are saying...you think that maybe people say 'Do you work?' when they really mean, 'do you have to work outside the home for money?'

 

The thing is....some SAHMs are very wealthy and money is of no concern. Others have made radical lifestyle changes to be home. Either situation doesn't really factor in to how hard they work as SAHMs.

[jld]

I think there are women out there who would love to be home with their kids, with a supportive, providing husband. They just can't, for various reasons.

 

I think we all have a lot to be grateful for, but maybe I'm wrong. My perspective is probably affected by the poverty and domestic violence I see around me here in India. I feel really lucky to have the life I do, just as a very middle class, ordinary American housewife.

[m0mmaBuck]

It only irritates me when my husband says that I don't work. Hmmmm... In addition to taking care of everything where home, family, and private finances are concerned, I homeschool AND I run our business (I replaced our secretary AND our billing clerk) AND he uses me like a personal assistant where his Cubmaster duties are concerned. Nope. i don't work.

 

Some day I'm gonna show him what it would look like if I did nothing but watched the History Channel all day....

[Crissy]

Don't you kind of understand where people might be coming from, though? If a woman doesn't have to work for pay in America, she is pretty lucky, don't you think?

 

Oh, yes!

I know how hard I work. At the end of the day I am exhausted.

And some days I wonder about all of those women who work outside the home *and* do all the stuff I just did (laundry, meals, house cleaning, time with children and husband, errands, shopping, music lessons, youth sports, homework etc., etc.). How do they do it?!

 

I do understand where they are coming from. I think many of them wish they had it as easy as I do, and I don't blame them. Neither do I think it negates the tremendous amount of work that I do for my family each day.

[Joanne]

I think that a large percentage of those situations, people are just making conversation. They do not bring to the question (no matter how awkwardly phrased, the negative assumptions I see posted here.

 

Really, I think what they mean is "I am trying to be polite. Please tell me more about yourself. Do you work for pay in addition to your mothering?"

 

In my years as a SAHM there was FAR less hostility than I imagined. And my own judgement And assumptions about the WOH choice was awful.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Sure, we work hard and we sacrifice, and for some of us, we probably save more money staying at home and homeschooling than working and paying for services we might otherwise need/want.

 

But I still think we're lucky to have the choice in the first place. Not every woman does . . .

 

I think there are women out there who would love to be home with their kids, with a supportive, providing husband. They just can't, for various reasons.

 

I think we all have a lot to be grateful for, but maybe I'm wrong. My perspective is probably affected by the poverty and domestic violence I see around me here in India. I feel really lucky to have the life I do, just as a very middle class, ordinary American housewife.

 

I know am incredibly lucky to stay at home and homeschool.

 

I have worked very hard, I did the SAHM thing with small children when our yearly income was about $14,000, I lived on beans and rice for years, hung the laundry, cooked the soup, mended the jeans, went without air conditioning, went without.....lots of stuff....developed health problems due to malnutrition, lost friends due to living like po' folks, found ourselves in danger due to accidentally choosing BAD neighborhoods to live in b/c the price was right (gunshots, drug deals), went into debt getting out of those messes....

 

Still. I am LUCKY. It all worked out, and now that our dc are old enough to notice, they are aware of penny pinching but not actual want. I am LUCKY that our health is good. I am LUCKY that I have the mental health to homeschool and raise children. I am LUCKY that my children don't have special needs that require me to earn more cash or require help from public schools.

 

Above all, I am LUCKY that my husband is hardworking, faithful, sacrificial, content, and a sharer in our vision for our family. Let's face it, not one of us who is married could say "no" to working and "yes" to homeschooling if our husbands didn't accept it on some level.

 

LUCKY doesn't mean rich or lazy or handed gifts on silver platters. It just means that, no matter how hard we have to work for it, we are living the dream of millions of women who wish they were home with their babies but have not a snowball's chance in h*ll of making it happen.

[Barb_]

Don't you kind of understand where people might be coming from, though? If a woman doesn't have to work for pay in America, she is pretty lucky, don't you think?

 

Eh, I think my family are the lucky ones. I love them to pieces but let's be honest...I l sacrifice a lot to devote my life to them. As do you all.

[forevergrace]

I often get irked, as a matter of fact today is one of those days I wanted

to pummel the idot at the gym who questioned my daughters education, and my saying no to artifical treats and snacks at the daycare. I

must vent that her children have a very difficult time in school. However, she does feel the need to pass judgement. Then, as pissed as I am, dh says the most intelligent thing. Which of course makes me want to bite his head off!! In the most calmest manner he asks, "Why Dear, are you homeschooling?" Of course I rattle my list off, and then I get to the last one, and say, "because she will never learn the way I can teach her, because I want too." Needless to say; he just smiles that all knowing smile. We have to remember why we decided to hs, and let our inadequacies go. I still want to bite that women's head off!!!

Forevergrace

[Skadi]

When the question of, "Do you work?" is posed, what is essentially meant is, "Do you spend 40 hours a week in someone else's employ doing a job that you do not find personally rewarding?" (By "personally rewarding" I mean that while a person may find their professional career exciting or satisfying in some ways, it does not relate to their family life.) Raising children is not in the least bit like a job in the professional sense. It has benefits and penalties that are completely dissimilar to a job. You can't just switch kids with someone else when you get tired of your own; then again, you could have decided not to have kids at all and just do less work (it was completely up to you). At a job, you can't just decide to hire someone to do your job that day if you feel like not showing up (whereas you could hire a sitter or drop the kids off at daycare several days a week).

 

Stay-at-home parents are, in my opinion, infinitely in a better position than any parent who has to work outside the home. Why? Well, chances are that your husband or wife treats you better than the average boss. You get to spend all your time working on things that truly matter to your family -- the raising and educating of your own children -- rather than helping someone else (your employer) in his own business dream. You get to live YOUR life, parenting how YOU wish. When you're on the clock for an employer, you've signed yourself over to a kind of servitude, and even if you enjoy your job, it's just not the same as a SAHP.

 

While I think the work of parents who stay at home is undervalued in our society, I also think that we have a tendency to whine and exaggerate our own self-importance, while ignoring the realities of the rat race that many people have to run. Going down this road is how you eventually end up with the kind of entitlement that claims that stay at home parents should be paid by the government, because that line of thought directly stemmed from stay at home parents saying, "Work deserves pay. I work. Therefore I should be paid." I think we should be very careful with the language we are using to describe our responsibilities and positions in life. A stay at home mom is not a line cook, daycare personnel or maid even though she cooks, cleans and takes care of the kids everyday; she is not working in the vicinity of those professions because she is voluntarily performing a role in her personal life that is in the interests of her family.

Edited July 9, 2010 by Skadi

[redheadeddaughter]

I don't get upset anymore when people ask these kinds of questions... but it does make me feel, well... awkward. Mostly because I haven't found a good answer. I feel like I'm in "landmine" territory whenever I discuss the work-outside-the-home thing, and I also feel that most other women (those who are usually asking) are well-intentioned. They want to make friends and find out more about other women. So my frustration with the question has been directed more at myself lately for not being confident in my position as mother/teacher. I'm as proud of what I do now, as I think all my professional friends are of their own jobs and accomplishments. But it just isn't socially acceptable to talk about it that way... yet. My only chance for shop-talk is really when I'm with other homeschool parents.... like we're still pioneering this way (even though it's been around a while now) and we are the only ones who truly know the sacrifices and costs, the risks and rewards of the journey. It's hard to explain if you haven't done it.

 

I do think my family benefits the most. Being at home with kids (homeschooling or not) is a very challenging job if you do it properly. All my other jobs were much much easier in comparison. My current boss is not the most understanding all the time(because his own job can make him grumpy), I can't quit or change locations or switch positions to make my work more "interesting." I have less say than I would like when it comes to how the money is spent, and yet I need to plan and account for every penny. My days are not my "own" - I have to accomplish a great deal of frustrating micro-details every day. I'm still having frustrating conversations over vaccinations with the drs. and will never be able to delegate my paperwork to anyone. And I never have a relaxing 1 hour lunch by myself. Or a 20 minute break, unless I'm in the bathroom. And even then... :) I'm head-butted, jumped on, and wrestled with every day. Not a comfortable position most the time. But still, totally worth it. And the people I work with... well, they are pretty darn awesome.

 

 

I do feel luckier than the girl at the nail salon who has a 7 year old she never sees. She works 6 days a week until 8:30 at night. Her brother stays home with her boy and takes him to school and picks him up. She misses her boy terribly, but she is a single mom with no other choice.

 

I don't feel luckier than the girl who cuts my hair. She has a solid 2nd income b/c she also doesn't have to pay for childcare for 2 babies. She has a live-in situation and family that helps out, and she works b/c it gets her out of the house and away from the "chaos" of motherhood (as she puts it).

 

Many of the moms I know who work outside the home, fall into the second category (lawyers, drs., or own their own business)... the work itself is a luxury, and they look at it that way. They value their alone time the way that I value my "read aloud on the couch time" with my kids. Just different choices, I guess.

 

I am leaving all choices open in the future though... we've come face to face with some hard financial realities this last year. And if mothering has taught me anything... it's not to judge too harshly! :)

[Slartibartfast]

 

BTW, I was told once by a dr that I needed to go out and find a REAL job so that I didn't have time to sit at home dreaming up sicknesses that I didn't have. I was there because I kept feeling dizzy. Isn't it funny that at 33, thin, and vegetarian I was put on high BP meds THAT DAY and have been on them ever since. Gee, the power I must have to dream up that sickness!!!

 

I don't know, it just bothered me today.

 

Wow, he must have gotten great grades in douchebag class.

 

What a jerk!

[Mrs Mungo]

I think that a large percentage of those situations, people are just making conversation. They do not bring to the question (no matter how awkwardly phrased, the negative assumptions I see posted here.

 

Really, I think what they mean is "I am trying to be polite. Please tell me more about yourself. Do you work for pay in addition to your mothering?"

 

In my years as a SAHM there was FAR less hostility than I imagined. And my own judgement And assumptions about the WOH choice was awful.

 

I agree. When people say "do you work?" I say "I homeschool my kids." I don't take offense, unless they are being jerks.

 

It's sort of like new moms who take questions like "are you still nursing?" or "is baby sleeping through the night?" or "oh, six months? is baby starting to crawl?" People are just making conversation, they aren't making judgments for the most part.

 

Sometimes, they are trying to find common ground. I wouldn't judge someone still nursing, that's what makes me think "oh, here is a point of common ground, I nursed mine until they were 2 1/2."

 

Wow, he must have gotten great grades in douchebag class.

 

What a jerk!

 

:iagree:

[IsabelC]

When I'm asked whether I work, I simply say "I'm parenting and home educating pretty full time at the moment, although I also do [insert whatever volunteer work I'm currently doing]. What do you do?" Most people are either genuinely interested or just making small talk.

[Rosie_0801]

Really, I think what they mean is "I am trying to be polite. Please tell me more about yourself. Do you work for pay in addition to your mothering?"

 

 

:iagree: Mothering doesn't give much to small talk over. Everyone already knows it means we spend our days changing nappies, feeding people and cleaning stuff. I think the question really means "what have you got to say that we could chat about?"

 

Rosie

[Chris in VA]

What gets me is the attitude of one particular person in my extended family. She has a career, and has always put her kids in daycare. She looks at my life and sees that she also keeps a clean house (cleaner than mine), remembers birthdays, helps in her community, etc., on top of working over 40 hours a week.

So her disdain is that she can do it all, and I barely make it thru.

What do I do with THAT?

Well, I actually don't talk with her much anymore. And I think her kids are screwed up as much as mine are. So no one is better than anyone else in the "what works" dept.

[Denisemomof4]

I think that a large percentage of those situations, people are just making conversation. They do not bring to the question (no matter how awkwardly phrased, the negative assumptions I see posted here.

 

Really, I think what they mean is "I am trying to be polite. Please tell me more about yourself. Do you work for pay in addition to your mothering?"

 

In my years as a SAHM there was FAR less hostility than I imagined. And my own judgement And assumptions about the WOH choice was awful.

 

Joanne, I have been harshly treated for being a SAHM!!! MORE THAN A COUPLE OF TIMES!!! Did you see where I went to the dr. at age 33, and slim, and complained of dizziness? Once the dr. found out I was a SAHM he told me I needed to go out and get a REAL job so that I didn't have time to sit around all day and dream up sicknesses I didn't have. The JERK then took my bp and did an EKG and I was placed on high bp medication - meds which I've now been on for 14 years. He was also my father's doctor, and my dad had his first heart attack at 27. He was a JERK.

 

I've gotten this same treatment at other places as well. And like a pp said, it's like they go on and on trying to make it sounds like it's actually ok that you stay at home to raise your kids and run the household. :001_huh: This has happened to me a few times now.

 

What I've decided to do is not lie, but instead of saying I'm a SAHM, I say I'm a school teacher. They then ask what grade, and I tell them elementary. It's funny how much more respect I get.

 

Trust me - I wish this weren't true. Oh, and women in the workforce can be the biggest offenders.

 

Again, yesterday I was making a large purchase (car) and we didn't pay cash for it so I had to give the SAHM title. But the same old, "Oh, hardest job blah, blah, blah....." just didn't set well with me yesterday. Maybe because I was simply at the end of my rope dealing with car salesmen. We've been trying to buy a new car for TWO months now. It's been a horror story until we decided against GM.

[Mejane]

How about this: "If you mean do I earn?, the answer is no. If you mean do I work?, the answer is h*ll yes!"

[Word Nerd]

I have personally experienced much more hostility and judgment as a WOHM than I ever did as a SAHM. When people ask, "Do you work?" they mean "Do you work inside or outside the home for pay?" I've never really understood what's so offensive about the question, but neither do I get why you would take offense when someone acknowledges the hard work that SAHMs do. Do you assume they're just patronizing you and are never sincere?

Edited July 9, 2010 by WordGirl

[Mommee & Baba]

Whenever I'm asked "Do you work"..my reply is "Not outside the home in a particular company that pays me a salary"...LOL!

Edited July 10, 2010 by mamaofblessings

[Barry Goldwater]

While I genuinely sympathizer re: OP's doctor DouB :lol: (your physician should never talk to you that way!), I'm finally getting to the point in my life that I don't really care about a stranger's or an acquaintance's opinion on what my family does...and no longer feel the need to 'defend' SAH wife, or homeschooled kids, or whatever. I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

 

I've been criticized by friends, strangers, co-workers & bosses for all of the following:

 

Work too much

Don't work enough

Wife doesn't work (defined as outside the house)

For homeschooling

For not having cable/satellite

For not owning a dishwasher (I got 4 kids! who needs a dishwasher?)

For driving a 10 yr old car (that's paid for)

For driving a new car (that I owed on)

For raising all my own meat for family consumption

For buying from Walmart

For buying gasoline from whoever

For voting democrat

For voting republican

For not voting

For training my children to have life-skills most people have never heard of

For spending too much time with my wife (WTH?)

For not having more friends

For serving too much at church

For not serving enough at church

For walking away from an extremely lucrative career and executive potential in order to take a job where I could work from my house and have lots of time with family

 

IT NEVER ENDS...

 

Most people don't have the attention span to even listen till the end of their 'own sentence,' much less to my defense of their criticism. I'm starting to realize I don't really care what anyone thinks about what I do, or whether they understand why we made/will make the lifestyle choices we have...I was born with a fairly healthy dose of east coast FU, and it's only getting stronger, I guess.

 

NOW - if a person has GENUINE curiosity, I'm delighted to discuss at length, debate, dis-agree, whatever, that's fine...but most people aren't worth the time...because they really aren't interested in your life, they want to DEFEND their choices.

[Just Robyn]

Don't you kind of understand where people might be coming from, though? If a woman doesn't have to work for pay in America, she is pretty lucky, don't you think?

 

Sorry to be the 50th person to quote you.

 

I think "lucky" might be an accurate description if we won the lottery, which allowed us to pay off our debt, buy a ton of homeschool books, and put enough in savings to keep our house in good condition and our bills paid despite whatever career choices my dh should make. I would consider "lucky" to be an accurate description if dh landed a local, high paying job that demanded no more than 40 hours/week from him.

 

I think not dedicating a huge portion of my life to work outside the home means I am making different sacrifices than people who choose otherwise.

 

FWIW - I do work part time. If I didn't, we would probably lose our house, or at least have no water, electricity or heat in it. Seriously.

[Joker]

 

Most people don't have the attention span to even listen till the end of their 'own sentence,' much less to my defense of their criticism. I'm starting to realize I don't really care what anyone thinks about what I do, or whether they understand why we made/will make the lifestyle choices we have...I was born with a fairly healthy dose of east coast FU, and it's only getting stronger, I guess.

 

 

 

:D This made me laugh, and :iagree:.

[fairfarmhand]

This is where the frustration comes in!!!! Lucky...maybe, if you were born rich or haven't been touched my the loss of a loved one. To say we are lucky is to totally negate the very tough and wise decisions we have had to make. That is not to say that moms who have to work only do so because they make poor choices, but being able to stay home with my kids has never had anything to do with luck!

 

I stayed home when dh made $28K and when he made $100K. And at $28K I was able to manage are home in such a way as to pay off our debt. Granted it was hard and really sucked at times, but we did it!

 

 

:iagree:

[Scarlett]

NOW - if a person has GENUINE curiosity, I'm delighted to discuss at length, debate, dis-agree, whatever, that's fine...but most people aren't worth the time...because they really aren't interested in your life, they want to DEFEND their choices.

 

THIS is the heart of the matter. Parents want to feel like THEY are doing the best thing....and they are so insecure in their decisions that when they run across someone doing the opposite of their choice they go into attack mode.

 

Sometimes. Not always.

 

T/J I'd love to have a male/female symbol that appears next to all of our screen names so I can immediately know if I am reading/replying to a male or female...:lol: I'm always shocked when I get to a place in post that makes it clear it is a man posting.

[Impish]

Don't you kind of understand where people might be coming from, though? If a woman doesn't have to work for pay in America, she is pretty lucky, don't you think?

While I understand what you were getting at, I've had ppl accuse me of being 'lucky' for being a SAHM. They never could understand that we make a LOT of sacrifices to always have a parent at home, never to put the Littles in daycare. I say accuse because of the tone its delivered in, the snarky 'how can you manage if I don't' tone.

 

I guess its like telling a woman she's 'lucky' to have a career. There's no 'luck' in being a lawyer, a Dr, or a grocery clerk, just hard work. Wish choices could simply be looked at like that.

 

I was a single parent, now a married one. I've worked, and been at home. Luck was never a factor in any of my decisions, what my family needed was.

[Joanne]

I guess its like telling a woman she's 'lucky' to have a career. There's no 'luck' in being a lawyer, a Dr, or a grocery clerk, just hard work. Wish choices could simply be looked at like that.

 

 

This is a great point.

[Barry Goldwater]

I'd love to have a male/female symbol that appears next to all of our screen names so I can immediately know if I am reading/replying to a male or female...:lol: I'm always shocked when I get to a place in post that makes it clear it is a man posting.

 

Ya, sorry about that...sometimes I start out by saying, 'I'm a man/guy/dude, whatever.' Like 'MAN ON THE FLOOR!!!!' from college days visiting the female dorm.:) do they still do that?

[Scarlett]

Ya, sorry about that...sometimes I start out by saying, 'I'm a man/guy/dude, whatever.' Like 'MAN ON THE FLOOR!!!!' from college days visiting the female dorm.:) do they still do that?

 

LOL...clearly I don't look at screen names before I read a post. When you mentioned your 'dw' I glanced at your screen name and was like, 'oh it is Barry.'

 

I still like my idea of a symbol next to all of our screen names.

[Parrothead]

While I genuinely sympathizer re: OP's doctor DouB :lol: (your physician should never talk to you that way!), I'm finally getting to the point in my life that I don't really care about a stranger's or an acquaintance's opinion on what my family does...and no longer feel the need to 'defend' SAH wife, or homeschooled kids, or whatever. I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

 

I've been criticized by friends, strangers, co-workers & bosses for all of the following:

 

Work too much

Don't work enough

Wife doesn't work (defined as outside the house)

For homeschooling

For not having cable/satellite

For not owning a dishwasher (I got 4 kids! who needs a dishwasher?)

For driving a 10 yr old car (that's paid for)

For driving a new car (that I owed on)

For raising all my own meat for family consumption

For buying from Walmart

For buying gasoline from whoever

For voting democrat

For voting republican

For not voting

For training my children to have life-skills most people have never heard of

For spending too much time with my wife (WTH?)

For not having more friends

For serving too much at church

For not serving enough at church

For walking away from an extremely lucrative career and executive potential in order to take a job where I could work from my house and have lots of time with family

 

IT NEVER ENDS...

 

Most people don't have the attention span to even listen till the end of their 'own sentence,' much less to my defense of their criticism. I'm starting to realize I don't really care what anyone thinks about what I do, or whether they understand why we made/will make the lifestyle choices we have...I was born with a fairly healthy dose of east coast FU, and it's only getting stronger, I guess.

 

NOW - if a person has GENUINE curiosity, I'm delighted to discuss at length, debate, dis-agree, whatever, that's fine...but most people aren't worth the time...because they really aren't interested in your life, they want to DEFEND their choices.

:iagree: Thank you for the reminder. I seemed to have lost my east coast attitude and am slowly getting it back. It is so much easier and less stressful than trying to pander to the "in" crowd.

Edited July 9, 2010 by Parrothead

[Sun]

Yep. Hate it. And I also hate its corollary: Oh, Sun, I know that you're working hard now that you're homeschooling, but I just don't know what other SAHMs with school-age kids do all day!

 

Or the other version (said by a SAHM): I could never homeschool my kids! I would never have time to get anything done!

 

I guess it's the mommy wars, but I get awfully tired of the subtle put-downs of one group or another!

[6packofun]

Right, that's why, when I get that basic "Do you work?" question, I help clarify it just as you said: "Oh, do you mean outside the home for pay?" Sometimes I answer, "No, I work at home full-time for free!" with a smile. lol

 

I understand the OP's frustration at the lip service that is given to "the hardest, most important job in the world". Gee, why don't we feel like it's the most respected then? ;)

[kewb]

Here is my two cents on the SAHM is the hardest job. It is. Say thank you and accept it as the compliment it really is.

 

I worked 40+ hours a week when my kids were little. I listened to how horrible I was for letting STRANGERS raise my children. As if I just walked up to a some random person and said "Here, watch my kid while I go earn a big salary to pay for expensive cars and vacations (neither of which we have or did).

 

That aside, since I have been on both sides of this fence-staying at home is a heck of a lot harder then going to work. Sure, I worked long hours and was exhausted most of the time but I got to go to the bathroom when I wanted, eat a hot meal when it was still hot when I wanted, talk to adults about things that were going on in the world all day, etc. Then I quit to homeschool my kids. And, yes, now they are older and I can go to the bathroom when I want but it is inevitable that as soon as I am in there a knock will come followed by "Mom, where/can/why/what insert question here. I used to be able to pay a house cleaner. Now I have to that myself with the kids and that really stinks. I hate housework. I used to be able to just order in when I ddin't feel like it. Now I have to see if that is in the budget. My work is a lot harder now. It was a heck of a lot easier to go to work.

[Mrs. Frankweiler]

Sometimes it just gets so old to hear the same reaction when someone learns of your life choices. The feeling of being judged gets old, you know? I think of all the times I hear the answer, "Oh, I could NEVER do that!" when someone learns that I homeschool, stay at home, am a military wife, nurse my babies, whatever. The hidden message that I hear is, "Only freakshows would choose to do something like that with their life." Are they really judging me, I don't know...but that's what it feels like after you hear that response over and over again. Maybe they do have noble intentions with a comment like that...but I still have a hard time ignoring the hidden message (that I hear.)

 

On a side note, this thread reminds me of a joke I heard a while back. A guy comes home one day and the house is trashed, the kids are dirty, dishes are piled up....you get the idea. He finds his wife on the couch eating bonbons and asks, "What happened here today?" She tells him, "You know, everyday when you come home from work you always ask me what I did all day....well, today I didn't do it."

[LittleHouseHomeschool]

Ugh...luck has NOTHING to do with how I have created a way to raise my own children. Sacrifice and hard choices are more apt descriptions of what it takes for me to be a SAHM.