How do you respond to this or do even respond at all?

[cara]

I got this message on facebook from a so called friend (she's no longer a friend)

 

I feel like I do need to say one more thing before I walk away. I do think you are wrong for homeschooling C. I think he would thrive in the 'right" enviroment - not home with you all the time. He is an exceptional bright child, I don't think you understand him or have the knowledge to deal with him. You shelter him, and blame everything on his allergies. I understand why you are worried and have supported you for years - BUT ENOUGH. You now know he is Gifted, so give his the opprrtunity AT LEAST, to be around other children like himself. -If it doesn't work, fine! But at least you tried- Instead of being surrounded by people who only Homeschool, and are stroking your ego by telling you, that you are right. Because that's what you are doing. There are PLENTY of other food allergic kids who go to regular school. You are putting yourself in a safe little box, where only you can be right. I'm scared for you and your kid. So there I said it. I'm sure you will respond because you always have to have the last word - but I least I tried for C's sake.

 

I mean really is it too hard to respect people's decisions for their own children. This came to light because I told her I was tired of her bullying me about homeschooling and that she needed to back off.

[LauraGB]

Welcome to the Wonderful World of Homeschooling - where you quickly determine in whom you can confide.

 

I'm sorry you had to deal with someone like that. No, you don't need to respond. In fact, it may be better just to let it go. You will find all kinds of responses, a few of which are steeped in...ignorance...of what you are doing. Shrug it off and move on.

 

:grouphug:

[JFSinIL]

Just "block" her on FB and let it go. You know YOUR kid better than she ever will!

[MamaT]

I would not respond.

 

It is amazing that someone thinks they have the right to tell you how to parent your own child. Incredible!

[SproutMamaK]

I would not respond. The only things it woudl accomplish to make her say, "See? I TOLD you that you're this horrible person who always needs the last word!" No amtter what you say, she's not going to change her mind.

 

Delete and block. That will speak more than anything you can say. Though in her mind, of course, that will make you even more in the wrong, that you can't stand up for yourself somehow. Either way, she's going to stay right up there on her high horse, so just ignore the horse.

[cara]

Thanks everyone. This was one of my best friends, we had it out this morning because I was tired of her bullying me about homeschooling and some other issues. I knew it was coming and I finally stood up for myself, and this is what I get for doing so.

 

I'm so mad and upset right now.

 

DH is at baseball practice with my "sheltered" child. I'm going to let him read it and then delete it because he is going to want to know why I'm so upset.

[lmrich]

Don't respond! Work on letting it go. I have had a friend be over judgemental with me and it stings. Please don't spend your energy on what to say, instead spend your energy on letting go and then on making new friends.:grouphug:

[May]

I would let it go. Why waste your time to response to her obvious ignorance.

[Audrey]

I got this message on facebook from a so called friend (she's no longer a friend)

 

I feel like I do need to say one more thing before I walk away. I do think you are wrong for homeschooling C. I think he would thrive in the 'right" enviroment - not home with you all the time. He is an exceptional bright child, I don't think you understand him or have the knowledge to deal with him. You shelter him, and blame everything on his allergies. I understand why you are worried and have supported you for years - BUT ENOUGH. You now know he is Gifted, so give his the opprrtunity AT LEAST, to be around other children like himself. -If it doesn't work, fine! But at least you tried- Instead of being surrounded by people who only Homeschool, and are stroking your ego by telling you, that you are right. Because that's what you are doing. There are PLENTY of other food allergic kids who go to regular school. You are putting yourself in a safe little box, where only you can be right. I'm scared for you and your kid. So there I said it. I'm sure you will respond because you always have to have the last word - but I least I tried for C's sake.

 

I mean really is it too hard to respect people's decisions for their own children. This came to light because I told her I was tired of her bullying me about homeschooling and that she needed to back off.

 

 

I would delete her message and unfriend her (or whatever you do to banish people on facebook), and I would not respond to her. It would just give her smug satisfaction since she accuses you of "always have to have the last word."

 

This is one of those kinds of situations where I would just keep repeating to myself "be the better person.... be the better person."

[Alicia64]

Total bully. And don't respond. News flash for her: she gets one life. She can't also have yours.

 

People like her are offended when others don't live as they live.

 

I would stay silent and do something exceptionally nice for myself.

 

Hang in there.

 

Alley

[Nicole M]

The irony is that *she* is the one in a box. Sad.

 

I'm so sorry that you are not supported. Sucky.

 

:grouphug:

[elizabeth]

Aw :grouphug: I did not know that statistically there were that many other group age peers...that is the very definition of giftedness. She sounds frankly completely uninformed.

[HerdingCats]

Wow! I don't know if responding would accomplish anything. This lady really seems to know everything about everything and that isn't likely to change. The part about having the last word seems almost baiting you to respond/or maybe stonewalling into not responding. She just verified to you that she doesn't respect you as a person capable of making sound decisions in raising your own children, much less as a friend. If it makes you feel any better, I'm sure you know you are better off without a friend like that.

[T'smom]

Wow. Just wow. I'm sure it's excellent advice to not respond, but I know I would not be able to resist. I'm impressed (VERY impressed) by the people who say they wouldn't. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with this and that you're losing a friend (even if she wasn't much of a friend). I just can't imagine how livid I would be in your situation, my sympathies are with you.

[MtnTeaching]

Oh, for Pete's Sake! What a narrow-minded, misguided person. ANYONE who thinks the public school is the "right" place for a gifted child really has no clue.

 

You hug C tight, you love him with all your might and show him you care about him (personally I don't believe that is coddling), feed him what is good for him without any fear, and you educate him in a way that will allow him to soar.... and don't you dare let this "so-called friend" give you another moment of grief. C is your child - not hers.

 

How about that for someone else telling you what to do?

 

The bottom line is that it is not only your right, but your responsibility to raise your child the way YOU feel is best and not how someone else feels is best - not me and not her.

[cara]

Thanks guys. I'm repeating my head, I will not respond, I will not respond.

 

The jerk in me wants to say you were in gifted all your life and where did that get you? But that is just baiting and mean and I don't want to go there.

 

Counting to 10 and breathing because I'm LIVID

[Murphy101]

I would delete her message and unfriend her

 

Yep. that simple and easy. :)

[kalanamak]

I would not respond.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

Luckily, I haven't had a "friend" like that since college.

[elegantlion]

I would not respond, and actually I'd probably print it off and file it away. On those bad days I'd get it back out and read it, thereby solidifying my reasons for homeschooling.

 

:grouphug:

[NanceXToo]

I agree, don't bother responding. She's obviously not at all open-minded and has an extremely narrow viewpoint when it comes to the issue of education. No matter what you say, she's never, ever going to change her mind, so it would just be a waste of your time and energy. It wouldn't affect her opinion, it would only stress you out.

 

Like others have said, delete the message, don't respond. Go about your life and just try not to think about it. I know you'll want to dwell on it for a while but just stay occupied and keep telling yourself that you are happy with your life and your choices, that they are good positive ones, and all that matters is you and your kids- it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. This will blow over and you'll calm down in a day or two and find yourself thinking about it less. Don't let someone like that impact how you feel about yourself, your kids, your choices, your life. Put it out of your mind. You ARE doing the right thing! :)

[jazzyfizzle]

Great advice from everyone. Sorry you had to deal with this, including the loss of someone you cared for as a friend.

You know if you are doing the right thing and I agree, she is trapped inside the cramped, tiny thinking box.

 

:grouphug:

[Avila]

:grouphug: You don't need that kind of negativity in your life. It sounds like she is taking a last jab at you out of anger and not out of unselfish concern. Sometimes it stings less if you can depersonalize it. If you heard her say this to someone else, what would you think of her? That brand of narrowmindedness and unkindness is better left unanswered.

[Mom25girls]

When I first started homeschooling (11 years ago), I had a similar situation. Unfortunately, I didn't have alternative support and just relied on a gut feeling that I was doing the correct thing for my daughter. Fast forward to now. I school five daughters and we're all thriving and enjoying a lifestyle of learning and living and reaping the benefits of spending lots of time together. YOU KNOW what is best for your child. I've heard it said that the best revenge is living well. Go for it. You may weed out folks in your life that are toxic but you will be the richer for it. Promise. This too shall pass. People may still have "suggestions" for you but it won't FEEL the same. In my experience, homeschooling is one of those "hot button" topics. To some people, the fact that you are making a decision that is different from theirs implies that YOU think that THEY are wrong. Untrue right? You're just making the best choice for your family. Your intent is totally pure. Take a deep breath. This too shall pass. Do not respond.

Michele (kind of a verbose,out of lurking poster)

[MSNative]

Thanks everyone. This was one of my best friends, we had it out this morning because I was tired of her bullying me about homeschooling and some other issues. I knew it was coming and I finally stood up for myself, and this is what I get for doing so.

 

I'm so mad and upset right now.

 

DH is at baseball practice with my "sheltered" child. I'm going to let him read it and then delete it because he is going to want to know why I'm so upset.

 

Was she really a best friend? If so, is this harsh email just lashing out because of hurt feelings from the fight? I'd take time to think about what kind of friend she is. If she is a really good friend in other areas, just connect with her once you've both calmed down and take education off the table of allowed subjects. I have a fantastic friend who does not support hsing. We don't talk about it and it's really just fine - it's a non-issue. She is still one of my best friends and I would be sad if I lost her friendship because of this one area of disagreement.

 

However, if this email is indicative of how the entire relationship is or if she can't let it drop, then follow the advice from others. You don't need that.

[cara]

I thought she was a friend, the past few months I have felt very used and bullied by her. I have been the butt of her jokes for the last few months and every time we talk she brings up school and how I should put DS in school. I have finally had enough and told her how I felt which was met with more ridicule. To which I basically told her I needed a break from the friendship because it wasn't what I wanted. This is how she responded.

 

Here's the kicker - DS was in a school for gifted students. He was bullied because of his peanut allergy and the pressure he was under to perform all the time was TOO much for him as even in first grade they had to keep a C average and be on all day long. He also has ADHD and it wasn't the right environment for him. He's working 1-3 grade levels above average and putting him in a regular classroom and hope he gets into gifted would not work and he would be BORED.

[2cents]

That person - A friend??? I had to read her comments 2x to believe the venom. She said horrible things to you, really unforgivable things. She is toxic and based on what you've said I suspect narcissistic as well. Don't respond! It only validates them and gives them more fuel to continue abusing you. Call it done.

[Whereneverever]

:grouphug: How hard to lose a friend in such a way! I wouldn't respond, it'll only give her an opportunity to be unkind more.

[elegantlion]

I thought she was a friend, the past few months I have felt very used and bullied by her. I have been the butt of her jokes for the last few months and every time we talk she brings up school and how I should put DS in school. I have finally had enough and told her how I felt which was met with more ridicule. To which I basically told her I needed a break from the friendship because it wasn't what I wanted. This is how she responded.

 

 

I'm sorry, that is horrid behavior for anyone, especially a supposed friend!

[cara]

Thanks everyone for the support (then again I just surrounded myself with homeschooler stroking my ego j/k)

 

DH read it and said she will not understand unless her child has food allergies why we do and act the way we do, and to just ignore her. I mean my poor sheltered child just got a birthday party invite for a party on Saturday from someone on his baseball team. He plays ball, plays with the kids in the neighborhood and goes and plays with friends in our homeschool group every week. He also is going to Disney in September and has been to Disney oh at least 100 times (we lived in Orlando for a year and had passes) and we are going to other places etc.

 

Yes his food allergies where the main reason we started homeschooling, but it's not the only reason and we kinda like it. If you ask DS he doesn't want to ever go back to school.

[misidawnrn]

Total bully. And don't respond. News flash for her: she gets one life. She can't also have yours.

 

People like her are offended when others don't live as they live.

 

I would stay silent and do something exceptionally nice for myself.

 

Hang in there.

 

Alley

yes!!!!:iagree::iagree::iagree:

You also only get one chance to raise your kids! What works for some, doesn't work for others and what you do with your kids is your business and noone else's. As long as your family is happy, that is what matters!

[elegantlion]

Sometimes I believe people like that do us a great favor. You said you started homeschooling because of allergies. Great, many people do. It also sounds like you have examined the concerns she brought up, being sheltered, being gifted, etc. Even if it took you two seconds to do it.

 

You never should have to justify your reasons to homeschool to anyone else. However, if they force us to stand back and examine our reasons/convictions about our choices it can only make us stronger.

[Remudamom]

Ignore her. For what it's worth, if I had one with peanut allergies I'd try to lock him up. That's got to be a bit unnerving for you.

[cara]

Ignore her. For what it's worth, if I had one with peanut allergies I'd try to lock him up. That's got to be a bit unnerving for you.

 

I want to, a bubble would be nice. But I know he has to live in the real world and learn how to live with his allergy. He's honestly very mature and his own self advocate when it comes to his allergy.

[TechWife]

News flash for her: she gets one life. She can't also have yours.

Excellent!

[Audrey]

I thought she was a friend, the past few months I have felt very used and bullied by her. I have been the butt of her jokes for the last few months and every time we talk she brings up school and how I should put DS in school. I have finally had enough and told her how I felt which was met with more ridicule. To which I basically told her I needed a break from the friendship because it wasn't what I wanted. This is how she responded.

 

Here's the kicker - DS was in a school for gifted students. He was bullied because of his peanut allergy and the pressure he was under to perform all the time was TOO much for him as even in first grade they had to keep a C average and be on all day long. He also has ADHD and it wasn't the right environment for him. He's working 1-3 grade levels above average and putting him in a regular classroom and hope he gets into gifted would not work and he would be BORED.

 

 

Oh, hon! That's not a friend. You don't go belittling and ridiculing your friends. Kick her to the curb. Who needs that kind of "friend?" You deserve better than her, that's for sure!

[Food4Thought]

Thanks everyone. This was one of my best friends, we had it out this morning because I was tired of her bullying me about homeschooling and some other issues. I knew it was coming and I finally stood up for myself, and this is what I get for doing so.

 

 

:grouphug: I am so sorry you have to go through this!

 

You do realize, that directly after asking this woman to stop bullying you about homeschooling, she shot right back at you and did it again?? That's not a friend. I'll echo everyone else and say you just step away! Write a strongly-worded letter and then burn it, if it helps. But you are doing the right thing by homeschooling, and you know you are. You're also doing the right thing by unfriending this hateful woman!

[Alphabetika]

Oh. My. Goodness. Gracious.

 

How rude and presumptuous. How overbearing. How arrogant. How hurtful. I don't think she needs a response. Silence is golden. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone, even those who love you. And this "friend" doesn't love you.

Edited May 28, 2010 by Alphabetika

[Oney Jones]

News flash for her: she gets one life. She can't also have yours.

 

Love this!

 

 

People like her are offended when others don't live as they live.

 

She probably feels inadequate because she is NOT homeschooling and needs you to meet her on her level so she can feel worthy. ???

 

 

I would stay silent and do something exceptionally nice for myself.

 

Hang in there.

 

 

 

:iagree:

[HeidiKC]

Total bully. And don't respond. News flash for her: she gets one life. She can't also have yours.

 

People like her are offended when others don't live as they live.

 

I would stay silent and do something exceptionally nice for myself.

 

Hang in there.

 

Alley

 

What she said!!! BULLY!!!! I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[cara]

I just wanted to thank everyone for making me feel better. I've chosen to ignore her for now. Sucks because we have the same circle of friends and she will be at every event - guess I need a new circle huh?

 

It's been an emotionally draining day and I feel like my head can't focus anymore. I was supposed to work today getting ready for tomorrow's craft show and didn't because of all of this drama. So now I have to work twice as hard tomorrow. Fun fun..

[Rosie_0801]

Saying something like that once is brave. Saying it again without having tried to understand is bullying crap and deserves the "Shut up already" you gave her.

 

Being right can be a lonely road ;) and being logical even lonelier ;);)

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[MtnTeaching]

Saying something like that once is brave. Saying it again without having tried to understand is bullying crap and deserves the "Shut up already" you gave her.

 

Being right can be a lonely road ;) and being logical even lonelier ;);)

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

 

Well said Rosie.

[Rosie_0801]

I just wanted to thank everyone for making me feel better. I've chosen to ignore her for now. Sucks because we have the same circle of friends and she will be at every event - guess I need a new circle huh?

 

Maybe you do, maybe you don't. You'll find out.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[Daisy]

Wow, what a jerk!

 

I'm glad you've ignored her.

 

Reminds me of the line, "With friends like THAT, who needs enemies." :glare: :gnorsi:

[Tohru]

:ohmy:

 

:eek:

 

:blink:

 

:(

 

:mad:

 

:cursing:

 

Holy crappola! I have never...I'm soooo sorry mama! :grouphug:

The things I'd say are not fit for children's ears. Wow.

I'm stunned. That really sucks!

[cara]

Daisy I told her that earlier today.

[Daisy]

:ohmy:

 

:eek:

 

:blink:

 

:(

 

:mad:

 

:cursing:

 

Holy crappola! I have never...I'm soooo sorry mama! :grouphug:

The things I'd say are not fit for children's ears. Wow.

I'm stunned. That really sucks!

 

LOL. Those emoticons are PERFECT.

[Crissy]

I just wanted to thank everyone for making me feel better. I've chosen to ignore her for now. Sucks because we have the same circle of friends and she will be at every event - guess I need a new circle huh?

 

 

Not necessarily, but that's not a woman I'd EVER confide in again.

When you do find yourself face-to-face with her just engage in small talk and keep turning the conversation back to her.

If she asks about school, tell her it's going well (nothing more!) and ask her how her child is doing.

If she asks again, give her the same answer and ask her another question about her family.

Again and again and again.

 

:grouphug:

[cara]

They are perfect... as much as I tried to ignore it, I couldn't so I blogged :blush:

 

Didn't name any names or even put what spurred my rant / vent. Just ranted and vented and got it all out and now I feel better.

 

Will she read it? Who knows, and honestly I don't care. I'm done with the friendship for now. I can't be friends with someone I feel is toxic.

 

Why is it that the last 3 times I've stood up for myself, it's been turned into me being the bad guy? Is this what happens when nice people grow a backbone?

[Tap]

It is easy to accuse other people. Very, very easy. What she has said is a cop out. She is accusing you of limiting your child by not putting him in private school, that you should try public and if that doesn't work, then consider hsing. Why not the other way around? Why can't you hs and then if you can't meet his needs, then look for conventional options?

 

If she honestly feels that you are harming your child by hsing, then she will likely always be accusing you of harming your child.

 

Your response to this situation, will always be in defense. Always in defense. You can only run behind her accusations, and try to pick up the pieces. If, in your everyday life, in rational conversations, you have not been able to bring her, to at least a place where she is comfortable (not necessarily supportive, but at least comfortable) with your decision, then I don't think anything you can say, in a defensive position, will calm her fears. I see it just giving her more ammunition, more power and takes away your self assurance in the situation.

 

My suggestion...do not engage her. She is angry, and is saying things that she knows will hurt you. Whether she means it or not, she is purposefully spewing her accusations at you...to hurt you.

 

Your control, your opportunity in this situation, is to decide what kind of footing you want to be in when you decide how to respond. Do you feel that you can respond from a defensive position and have a positive outcome? Do you want that to be the position you fight from? I am not saying it is wrong, but I also wouldn't choose that for myself.

 

One choice of responding... is to not respond. Not because you can't but, because you have already discussed these topics with her before and this is where it has led you.

 

Another choice would be to simply state the above and leave it at that. "We have discussed my families life choices many times in the past. I will not discuss them with you further." And leave it at that. Do Not engage. Do Not Defend. Do Not say anything to bait her further.

 

A third choice would be to start a private email dialogue with her. Take it off of face book. While I wouldn't choose this myself, I do know that sometimes people say things in anger that they don't really believe and only you would know that about her. You also may want to get somethings off your chest, but I would really caution you against this. What is there to gain by stooping to her level?

 

 

 

Just from what you said here, it sounds like your are ready to move on from your friendship. I do not believe that friendships are meant to be forever. We all have different needs in friends, and as adults we often try to hold onto a bond that no longer exists. When we no longer have anything in common, it is often best to let it go. Let it fade, with dignity, and maybe sometime in the future you can at least have a amicable relationship. If you decide to take her on I would expect the relationship to crash and burn, and to be left in ashes. Situations that your find yourselves in together, are going to be awkward.

 

As others have said, I would block her, and walk away knowing that you have left your friendship in a postion of control and not a defensive postiion.