Has anyone experienced the death of a loved one but NOT have any kind of service?

[unsinkable]

My mother-in-law died on Tues.

 

2 of her 6 children decided there would be no funeral or memorial service, that Mom would be cremated and that's it. The other 4 didn't have a choice.

 

DH's family is Roman Catholic but his sibs don't go to church/believe? anymore. His mom never expressed her wishes but she was also not capable of communicating clearly in the last few years. But this was a woman who considered herself a Catholic and raised her family in the church (all her dds were named for nuns she knew.)

 

DH and I feel lost. We never would have imagined this would have happened. It has NEVER been our experience to not have a wake, funeral or memorial when someone dies.

 

The 2 that said no funeral didn't want it because it would be too sad, too hard, too much.

 

Has anyone experienced this?

[Cammie]

First, I am very sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

 

When my grandparents died they wanted to donate their bodies to science. That was done. They died within a few months of each other. A joint memorial service was eventually held a few months later. It was held at a time when all concerned could come from all over the country. It was a lovely memorial. It didn't mean any less to all of us who gathered that it was actually months from when they died. I think having some time to prepare something that was meaninful was important. It gave us time to think about their favorite songs, make enlargments of favorite photographs, really think about what we wanted to say. It was also more of a celebration because much of the initial grief had passed.

 

It may not work for all families but it did work for ours.

[SquirrellyMama]

I haven't heard of it but I would probably be the type not to want the services. Could the remaining kids go ahead and have a memorial service without the other two?

 

Kelly

[fairfarmhand]

what's to stop dh and the other siblings from having their own simple get together to think about her and remember her? They can bring photos, play her favorite music, and just talk about her over dinner.

[2cents]

How is it that a minority are making all the decisions? It seems that it would be more fair for everyone to have input. The alternative is having your own memorial. I would do that.

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

When my uncle died it was his wish that nothing was done. No wake, no memorial, nothing.

His family honored his wish. They were all fine with it.

[unsinkable]

How is it that a minority are making all the decisions? It seems that it would be more fair for everyone to have input. The alternative is having your own memorial. I would do that.

 

Because that's the way it is. :tongue_smilie:

 

And has been.

 

And will be.

 

2 of his sisters think they are the decision makers in the family...and everyone else lets them. Not such a big deal when it is what to eat at Christmas but it is a huge deal when it is should mom have a funeral.

 

I am just an in-law. It has been made very clear for nearly 2 decades that I am not to give my input.

[Sahamamama]

Has anyone experienced this?

 

No, not exactly this. Years ago, I was newly arrived at college (1,200 miles from home) when my grandfather unexpectedly died. I was so close with this set of grandparents, and the loss was painful. But my parents decided that, since I had just started the semester, they didn't want to disrupt my studies and fly me home for the funeral. I went along with this at the time, but not seeing my grandfather that one last time, not being in the home with his things, not being with family during the time of collective grief -- it all had a lasting impact on how I "processed" losing him. I always felt behind everybody else in the family. It was so strange, when I did go home at Christmastime, that he wasn't there, that everyone else had moved on a bit and adjusted a bit -- but his death hit me THEN. No one understood this, either..... Just something to keep in mind, if you experience a "variation" in your grieving process, it might sort of throw a wrench in how you would otherwise have worked through your losses.

 

Fast forward seven months, almost to the day. My grandmother died. Again, my parents decided that, since I was just finishing up a semester, they didn't want to disrupt my studies and fly me home..... you get the idea. Again, the time-warp factor to MY experience of coming home and adjusting was surreal. My perspective now is, usually, when someone dies, let life come to a screeching HALT. Normal activity is suspended for the purpose of coming to grips with the loss of a cherished person.

 

I think your situation would be VERY difficult, and you should expect to have a hard(er) time finding "closure" on your MIL's passing. In other words, because your expectation of and cultural training for how to process a death was that you and your husband's family would JOIN together and COMMEMORATE your mother-in-law and focus on the ETERNAL aspect of things -- with all of that stripped from you, there is little left to work with, in working through the grief.

 

For me, as a young person who was close to my maternal grandparents, I had never even considered not being there when they passed away. The fact that I missed both funerals can't be changed, but it is something I would go back and do differently if I could. You never get another opportunity to say good-bye, if you miss out on it.

 

I tried, when I did move back East, to find a way to say good-bye to them. But it was so hard for me, you see, because all the other family members, even my mother, had made more of their adjustments to life going on without Grammy and Grampop. Resolving my loss, my guilt, even my anger at my parents for glossing over the need to come home -- it took time, it was lonely, and no one understood it.

 

I would say that the best thing you and your husband can do is to find your own way to say good-bye. What you expected, and perhaps needed, to happen has been pulled out from under you -- that can't be changed, but you do need to (1) lovingly confront those who made that unilateral decision to break with the expected course of commemoration (you have to be open about your disappointment, in order to keep the relationship honest/real), and (2) create something for any family and friends who do want to find a way to say good-bye. This is harder to do than to follow the usual path, but in the end, if you can "make your own ceremony," it will be worth it. I hope you find your way to healing. Peace.

[Ferdie]

My dh's grandparents died one week apart. After they were cremated, the immediate family took their ashes to a national park to spread their remains, (illegally-I believe). The grandparents were naturalists and had spent several summers living at the national park photographing/documenting plants.

 

There was no service for friends or extended family.

 

I agree with the other poster to go ahead and plan your own memorial event.

[Mary in VA]

 

For me, as a young person who was close to my maternal grandparents, I had never even considered not being there when they passed away. The fact that I missed both funerals can't be changed, but it is something I would go back and do differently if I could. You never get another opportunity to say good-bye, if you miss out on it.

 

I tried, when I did move back East, to find a way to say good-bye to them. But it was so hard for me, you see, because all the other family members, even my mother, had made more of their adjustments to life going on without Grammy and Grampop. Resolving my loss, my guilt, even my anger at my parents for glossing over the need to come home -- it took time, it was lonely, and no one understood it.

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Beautiful post Sahamamama. I'm sorry you misssed your grandparent's funerals and I understand how you felt.

 

Unsinkable,

I am so sorry for your loss! I loved my MIL like a second mother and still miss her 4 years later.

 

When someone we love dies life NEEDS to stop for awhile while we deal with grief and sorrow and commemorate their life. I think it would be very painful to basically ignore the death and go on as if nothing happened! Dying is part of living and needs to be acknowledged. Maybe your husband and his siblings who wanted the funeral could plan a memorial service to celebrate your MIL's life. Invite the other two sibiling, it's their choice if they go or not.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Mary

[MariannNOVA]

I would say that the best thing you and your husband can do is to find your own way to say good-bye. What you expected, and perhaps needed, to happen has been pulled out from under you -- that can't be changed, but you do need to (1) lovingly confront those who made that unilateral decision to break with the expected course of commemoration (you have to be open about your disappointment, in order to keep the relationship honest/real), and (2) create something for any family and friends who do want to find a way to say good-bye. This is harder to do than to follow the usual path, but in the end, if you can "make your own ceremony," it will be worth it. I hope you find your way to healing. Peace.[/QUOTE]

 

 

I am so sorry for your loss and for these upsetting circumstances.:grouphug:

 

I agree with what I have quoted above that it is important for you and your dh to have an appropriate venue in which to have closure regarding your relationship with the deceased.

 

You mention the Catholic Church - couldn't you and DH arrange to have a Mass said in his mom's name and invite your close friends and any other family members who may wish to attend? Perhaps cake and coffee afterwards at your home? Folks who are friends with you and dh will have the opportunity to offer condolences, and you and your dh may feel that you have respectfully and appropriately remembered his mother.

 

I have to add that it's rather presumptuous for TWO to make decisions for six.....this isn't a casserole or a dessert that is being brought to someone's home for dinner at the holidays -- this is a bit different.

 

I hope this all works out for you.:grouphug:

[Ellie]

I'm sorry for your loss.:grouphug:

 

If she is Catholic, she should have a service at the local Catholic church. Having a Mass said in her name is not the same thing as having a funeral Mass.

 

You could have a wake afterwards for folks to come to who are not Catholic.

 

When my mother died, her dh, whom I love dearly, abided by her wishes to have NOTHING. I did not know she had planned this; otherwise, I'd have done something, even though I lived in another state. The friends and family left behind NEED to have time to grieve together. And her soul needs the Mass.

[elegantlion]

Because that's the way it is. :tongue_smilie:

 

And has been.

 

And will be.

 

2 of his sisters think they are the decision makers in the family...and everyone else lets them. Not such a big deal when it is what to eat at Christmas but it is a huge deal when it is should mom have a funeral.

 

I am just an in-law. It has been made very clear for nearly 2 decades that I am not to give my input.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry. I recently had an uncle die. I've been to many funerals in my life, I feel like it's my time to say goodbye. Funerals on this side of the family have tended to end up more like family reunions. Well my aunt planned the funeral for two days after the death, not nearly enough time for us to get there, or a lot of people. Honestly I was pretty ticked. This was the first death of someone my ds knew fairly well. IMO the funeral as a ceremony to say good-bye, get closure, etc, is important. But again this aunt has a reputation of doing what she wants, vs focusing on what others might need.

 

So I'm sorry you got the short end. I would plan something with the other siblings and host your own memorial. If the "two in charge" don't want to come, let them be that way. Grieving is not a group process and if you and your family need more to start down that road, I say do it.

[tonya in sc]

But I, quite frankly, don't care. The funeral is not for the deceased, it's for the living. There may be no formal funeral, but there will be something. My brothers and I will need to gather, because that's what we do. She will be gone, and we will be left. It will be for us.

When my brother died, there was no funeral. He was cremated and had his ashes spread in the AIDS memorial grove in San Fran by the few friends and two brothers that were able to go there. My oldest brother brought back some of E's ashes to FL. Our mother, grandmother, aunt, and a few others gathered at the grave of E's father to spread the remaining ashes there. We talked, shared stories, and cried. It was for us.

 

t.

[SonshineLearner]

Wow, to cremate a Catholic? Is that allowed? They really have final say? This could very well be because of the $$$ to cremate -v- bury a casket.

 

Very sorry.... I'd want to look and see who is in charge. I think it's wrong to cremate someone if that wasn't their decision.

 

So Sorry...

[Wyndie]

When my grandpa died, there was no service of any kind. I went with my mom to the funeral home where he was laid out on a table, all but his face covered with a sheet. We stayed there and cried while my mom and uncle said goodbye and then we left and he was cremated.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

I don't want to think about it too much this morning because I can't make the emotional space in my day, here, but I have experienced this. I was a child, the non-memorialized person was very dear to me, and it was a horrible and awful thing.

 

It can leave a lasting scar.

 

I agree with the others. I think you should defy those strange people and hold a memorial event at your house or church, whichever seems appropriate to you. Invite everybody, and absolutely and gracefully ignore any drama from the two SILs. (Unless they bring the drama to your memorial event. In that case, you may show them the door.)

[MariannNOVA]

Wow, to cremate a Catholic? Is that allowed? They really have final say? This could very well be because of the $$$ to cremate -v- bury a casket.

 

Very sorry.... I'd want to look and see who is in charge. I think it's wrong to cremate someone if that wasn't their decision.

 

So Sorry...

 

I would have to say yes that it is now allowed - do not know if it is a regional thing or something across the board. I have attended two funerals since January where the deceased was cremated and there was a funeral Mass.

[Denisemomof4]

we didn't have a service for either of my parents - their wishes. We won't be having one for mil because who would come, other than her kids? Our friends? One daughter spoke to her maybe a handful of times in the past 19 years, another lives in CA and has been out to visit three times in 23 years, and then there's our family.

 

We had a private viewing for the siblings of my parents. When the grandparents died, the same thing happened there.

 

When my friend's husband died a few years back, I remember all the work we put into the service and planning. I just don't understand why the grieving family needs to do this. I've heard it's what you do for everyone else, and to celebrate their life, but honestly, if something happens to one of my kids or dh, I just won't be able to do it. I'll need to save my energy to just SURVIVE and take care of those left behind.

[CatMomof3]

Quote:

But I, quite frankly, don't care. The funeral is not for the deceased, it's for the living.

End Quote:

 

:iagree: totally with this.

 

There needs to be a final goodbye before you can move on with the grieving process. I don't understand your family dynamic, but it is extremely selfish for you SILs to not do something, even if it is hard on them. Death is not easy, and each person handles it differently - but there needs to be something done.

 

A mass said for you MIL would be nice, even if you and your dh are the only ones there. At least you and your dh can say goodbye and move on.

 

My grandfather died and my uncle did not do a service for 6 years, 2 years after my grandmother passed. By that time my family and I had moved on. So when we went to the service, my uncle and cousins were all crying and saying how much they missed my grandparents. My parents, my dh, and myself were looked at as cold and heartless because we did not shed a tear. Don't get me wrong, I sometimes miss my grandparents but we had already said goodbye and had completed the grieving process. The service ended up putting a rift in my family, and neither my dad nor myself know where my grandparents’ ashes are.

 

 

Quote:

Wow, to cremate a Catholic? Is that allowed? They really have final say? This could very well be because of the $$$ to cremate -v- bury a casket.

End Quote:

 

I don't know the current official ruling on this, I know the church has gone back and forth on this.

 

And finally :grouphug:s my family and I will pray for you and your family (if you like)

[Denisemomof4]

also, I guess we had a memorial service of sorts. My siblings families and mine wrote letters to my dad first, and then my mother, and we shared about them, then put their ashes in the mosoleum and ended with a nice meal celebrating their lives. My dad, especially, LOVED to dine out, so going to one of his favorite restaurants and over eating was a way to celebrate him and feel close to him.

 

We did the same with my mother, picking one of HER favorite restaurants.

 

 

It was so nice celebrating this way.

[fairfarmhand]

 

When my friend's husband died a few years back, I remember all the work we put into the service and planning. I just don't understand why the grieving family needs to do this. I've heard it's what you do for everyone else, and to celebrate their life, but honestly, if something happens to one of my kids or dh, I just won't be able to do it. I'll need to save my energy to just SURVIVE and take care of those left behind.

 

 

I feel the same in a sense. Here in the south it is customary to have a viewing twice for several hours each time and then a funeral and then a graveside service. My mother is extremely ill, and I know I will be expected to be there for all of these things... even the idea knots up my stomach. I am a private person and won't want the company for my grief and having to sit all dressed up in a funeral home with my dead mother sounds like more than I can bear.

 

A few years ago a friend passed away ,after a 3 wk battle with cancer at age 38. He wanted nothing like this, especially since he and his wife had three small children and all that would have been so stressful for them. They had a simple graveside service, with a few short talks, a prayer, and a song.

 

I told my dh that is exactly what I want. I don't want tons of people coming by to gawk at me when I am dead. But I do realize that the family will need some sort of service to help them grieve.

[AHASRADA]

I understand that this is a complicated family dynamic, but it is so wrong on so many levels for 2 siblings to make this decision for the entire family.

 

Did your MIL never give any indication of what she would like done? I agree that if she lived her life following a particular faith, that her death should be handled following at least the minimum requirements of that faith. This should be done out of respect for your MIL, regardless of the wishes of any particular family member.

 

Aside from religious rites, it is understandable that everyone would like to grieve in their own way. Ideally, a memorial service could be planned so that all family, friends, church and community members who would like to remember your MIL could attend. However, I know planning a formal service "behind the backs" of the two who don't want one would cause a huge backlash. Therefore, I would agree that an informal gathering, perhaps at your home, even under the guise of a "family reunion" could serve the same purpose.

 

I would hope that a complete announcement at least would be run in the newspaper, listing a charity to which donations could be made in her honor, for any of her acquaintances who would like to be notified of her passing and remember her in that way.

 

And no, you as an in-law should not comment on or plan any of this. This is not your battle. Your dh and his other siblings need to take this stand, with your support.

[Dobela]

We have had this happen twice to our family. Most recently last fall the oldest brother of my dh died very unexpectedly. Finally my MIL had him cremated. We are 2000 miles away and the sisters began fighting. At one point they had even suggested that his remains be buried in the backyard of one sister with her dead animals. We learned last week that about a month ago my MIL took his ashes to a favorite place she had shared with him as a child. My sils are still fighting about what kind of memorial to have. For us here, it is all fairly surreal.

 

I also had an uncle die and have no service. It was his request but the children and grandchildren still talk about how they wished they had some sort of service for him anyway. They would have loved hearing stories from friends and that sense of closure.

 

I say that the other 4 siblings should schedule their own service. Contact a priest and ask his assistance. Then make an announcement inviting friends and other family members.

[Ellie]

Wow, to cremate a Catholic? Is that allowed? They really have final say? This could very well be because of the $$$ to cremate -v- bury a casket.

 

Very sorry.... I'd want to look and see who is in charge. I think it's wrong to cremate someone if that wasn't their decision.

 

So Sorry...

It is my understanding that it is allowed, as long as it is done respectfully, KWIM? The ashes should be interred at a Catholic cemetary. And there still should be a Mass.

[MariannNOVA]

It is my understanding that it is allowed, as long as it is done respectfully, KWIM? The ashes should be interred at a Catholic cemetary. And there still should be a Mass.

 

 

That was my experience -- for my uncle there was a Mass and then internment.

 

For the uncle who passed away Holy Week, he was cremated, there was visitation at the funeral home, and by now it was Holy Thursday or Good Friday (cannot remember which) - there could not be a Mass, so everyone went to the Church for a service - not a Mass - a blessing I think they called it, and there was internment on the day after Easter.

[Ellie]

But I, quite frankly, don't care. The funeral is not for the deceased, it's for the living. There may be no formal funeral, but there will be something. My brothers and I will need to gather, because that's what we do. She will be gone, and we will be left. It will be for us.

 

Good for you. I'm not sure what goes through someone's mind when he says he doesn't want any sort of memorial or whatever, but frankly, when he's gone, he's gone and no longer has any say. The friends and remaining family members need to get together.

 

My dh's aunt passed away last summer. She didn't want anything. Dh didn't even know she had gone until around October, when his cousin sent out a letter. Although dh wasn't very close to her as an adult, when he was child she was a big part of his life, and he would have made the effort to go back to her memorial/funeral. And dh's cousin and his family should have had support and lots of hugs and good thoughts, rather than dealing with it alone.

[LibraryLover]

My mother's side cremates, so there is no wake or anything. No coffin. Later, we have a gathering, a memorial, if you will. My mother did a lovely luncheon in her garden for her mother, fi, a couple of weeks after she was cremated.

 

Why not have those folks who would like to remember her gather together for something like this? Put a framed picture on a pretty table with some flowers, some family photos or personal items, and share memories. My mother had a friend sing a song my g'mother liked. People took turns sharing memories. I heard things I had not and I so enjoyed that! Her little (80 something year old )brother spoke about how he used to tease her when they were kids. Then he cried and apologized to her. It was very moving.

[Orthodox6]

I have not experienced this, but I am going to. :sad::sad::sad:

 

My non-religious father has decreed that neither he nor my mother shall have any funeral, nor memorial service, nor burial service. (Just be dumped into the ground at a distant cemetery which he chose because it was the least expensive place he could find.)

 

He did, to my everlasting relief, back off from cremation after I cried and begged him to reconsider. (To forestall curiosity, I must explain that cremation is flatly forbidden for Orthodox Christians because it desecrates the human body.) Even though my parents are not Christian, I could not, in good conscience, permit my beloved parents to be so treated.

[dirty ethel rackham]

The Catholic ban on cremations was lifted in 1963. However, until recently, the cremains could not be brought into the church for a funeral mass. In order to do so, the Bishop has to approve it. Scattering ashes is not allowed. Internment of ashes is preferred (as opposed to keeping them in the home.

[DarlaS]

My mother-in-law died on Tues.

 

2 of her 6 children decided there would be no funeral or memorial service, that Mom would be cremated and that's it. The other 4 didn't have a choice.

 

 

 

:grouphug: So sorry for you and your dh's loss.

 

Your dh and his siblings can go ahead and arrange some kind of a service or memorial. They do not need anyone's permission--they are also adults. If the two others don't like it, they can feel welcome to not attend.

[HRAAB]

Wow! This is just so wrong to have two dictating to the others.

 

Would it be possible for you to have a funeral Mass and the two dissenting siblings not come?

 

My father was as Catholic as they come; he was cremated, had a vigil and funeral Mass. This is no longer prohibited.

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

[unsinkable]

Thanks, everyone. :grouphug:

 

I don't want to cause my DH's family any more pain. I want the solace of our religion (DH's, his mom's, my kids' and mine).

 

It is just a tough situation all around.

[BakersDozen]

The 2 that said no funeral didn't want it because it would be too sad, too hard, too much.

 

My dh and I will not have funerals for this very reason. If our families need something then they can do a funeral but our dc will not be put through that (especially with our overly emotional family members). I detest funerals and would not put my dc or my dh through that ordeal. It would be nice if my loved ones respected my wishes after I'm gone but knowing my family, they would not. :glare:

[unsinkable]

and 1 more thing:

 

I know how hard it is.

 

I buried my dad when I was 16 & my mom when I was 19. I picked out their clothes and their coffins. I wrote their obits.

 

We had 2 days of wakes, funerals and graveside services.

 

I know how hard it is.

[Orthodox6]

My mother-in-law died on Tues.

 

2 of her 6 children decided there would be no funeral or memorial service, that Mom would be cremated and that's it. The other 4 didn't have a choice.

 

DH's family is Roman Catholic but his sibs don't go to church/believe? anymore. His mom never expressed her wishes but she was also not capable of communicating clearly in the last few years. But this was a woman who considered herself a Catholic and raised her family in the church (all her dds were named for nuns she knew.)

 

DH and I feel lost. We never would have imagined this would have happened. It has NEVER been our experience to not have a wake, funeral or memorial when someone dies.

 

The 2 that said no funeral didn't want it because it would be too sad, too hard, too much.

 

Has anyone experienced this?

 

Why no choice ? Are these two individuals executors of the will, and erringly believe that that authority carries over into non-related areas ?

 

Hold your own religious memorial service, to which relatives can come, or not come, as they choose. Nothing on earth prohibits you from doing this.

[Ellie]

My dh and I will not have funerals for this very reason. If our families need something then they can do a funeral but our dc will not be put through that (especially with our overly emotional family members). I detest funerals and would not put my dc or my dh through that ordeal. It would be nice if my loved ones respected my wishes after I'm gone but knowing my family, they would not. :glare:

But if you're gone, suppose your family members *want* to go through all that, because they loved you and want to show you respect? Why shouldn't they do that?

 

When my mother died and there was *nothing,* that was worse than having to plan a memorial of some kind. All of us who were left behind were just shattered and had no outlet to hug each other's necks and talk about how we loved Joanne and appreciated her wonderful qualities and how much we were going to miss her.

[Mejane]

Neither my husband nor I want any formal service; it's stipulated in our wills. Our children and families know this. We understand some people may need a time together to grieve, but that can be arranged among them without us "present." I think what Library Lover described is lovely.

 

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Teachin'Mine]

I am so sorry.

 

I haven't read through the posts; this has probably already been recommended. I would strongly suggest that your husband call the priest at the parish she most recently attended. He can guide you about what your options are, but to deprive her of a Catholic funeral because it would be "too sad" is horrendous. The two who can't handle a funeral don't need to be there. It's too bad if they would choose not to be, but that's their choice. Catholic funeral Masses are so beautiful and not only honor the person's, but give the family members hope and put the death in its proper context of being the beginning of their next life.

 

I hope that his family is able to come to some understanding with this. Keeping all of you in prayer.

 

This link has some good information which may be of help:

 

http://www.cuf.org/Faithfacts/details_view.asp?ffID=262

Edited May 14, 2010 by Teachin'Mine

[BakersDozen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LuvnMySvn

My dh and I will not have funerals for this very reason. If our families need something then they can do a funeral but our dc will not be put through that (especially with our overly emotional family members). I detest funerals and would not put my dc or my dh through that ordeal. It would be nice if my loved ones respected my wishes after I'm gone but knowing my family, they would not. :glare:

 

But if you're gone, suppose your family members *want* to go through all that, because they loved you and want to show you respect? Why shouldn't they do that?

 

 

That is why I said that if family members need something for themselves they can do what they want, but leave my dc out of it and don't expect my dh or myself to plan something. As for showing respect...well, my outlaws would probably throw a party (hardly kidding here) and my mom would be a wreck which I do NOT need my dc to be around. My siblings could care less if I'm here or not so it would be an insult to me to even think of them attending/having a funeral for me.

[Liz CA]

Yes we experienced it. I am still (sort of) waiting to get grandpa (fil)to his last resting place. We did have a service at a church though but the urn is still not in its final place since grandma wanted it at vet's cemetary. Don't know if they all forgot about it or what is happening or not happening. But, like you, I keep quiet about it since he was not my father.

[Laurie4b]

Yes--my step-grandfather did not want one and neither did my grandmother. He died first and she didn't have a memorial service for him. Even though that was her choice, too, I think it made it very hard for her to grieve well. Friends & family didn't know what to do, when to come, what to say or when... There is a healthy reason for these rituals.

 

When my grandmother died, her two children and all the grandchildren went ahead and had a memorial service--against her wishes--it was for US. She was dead and would understand at that point!

 

So I would suggest that those of you who want a service make the arrangements to have a service. Two sibs are doing what they think is best for them--the rest of you are free to do what you think is best for you and the rest of her family and friends.

[kalanamak]

 

DH and I feel lost. We never would have imagined this would have happened. It has NEVER been our experience to not have a wake, funeral or memorial when someone dies.

 

 

 

Our family doesn't do funerals. My parents died, and my brother: no funeral. A year later my SIL went out with others and spread the ashes. We consider the body just protein, not something venerated.

 

However, the other 4 could do something....the 2 who were too sad don't run the world. If someone else wants to organize something, have at it. If the whole thing caught everyone off guard, have a gathering in a year.

[katemary63]

How is it that a minority are making all the decisions? It seems that it would be more fair for everyone to have input. The alternative is having your own memorial. I would do that.

 

:iagree::iagree::confused:

[ZooRho]

When my mom's older sister died sort of because of hurt feelings her children didn't want to do a service. Her siblings were distressed. They did all but one, who was sick, went to her city. they went to the funeral home. My uncle said a few words and a prayer. I think a few others may have said something. It was tough, but I know my mom and her brother at least felt it honored all.

[Peela]

My step father died a few weeks ago and specifically asked for no service. He was an alcoholic Irishman, and he just wanted everyone who wanted to give him a send off, to get together for a pissup wake. So that is what my mother is organising. Plus she will be scattering his ashes on an area of land he lived on for most of his adult life. But- these were his explicit wishes.

 

I would hold a wake myself and even a ceremony if I felt so inclined, if I felt it was important to me.

 

I wouldn't worry about the MIL- she wont care any more what you do. But do what you need to do to get closure and healing and celebration of her life, for yourselves and whoever else feels similarly.

[Alphabetika]

I'm so sorry about your mother-in-law. :grouphug:

 

My experience with this was when my dad died of cancer in 2006. He was an atheist who was also very adamant that his life was not worth memorializing. He was the last of his generation, and the rest of his family live back east and didn't appear to want to do anything related to his death. My mom didn't have the energy to do anything, and my brother lives in Australia and couldn't afford to come home. So, Dad was cremated (an arrangement he and my mo had made years before), and that was that.

[Scarlett]

My mother-in-law died on Tues.

 

2 of her 6 children decided there would be no funeral or memorial service, that Mom would be cremated and that's it. The other 4 didn't have a choice.

 

DH's family is Roman Catholic but his sibs don't go to church/believe? anymore. His mom never expressed her wishes but she was also not capable of communicating clearly in the last few years. But this was a woman who considered herself a Catholic and raised her family in the church (all her dds were named for nuns she knew.)

 

DH and I feel lost. We never would have imagined this would have happened. It has NEVER been our experience to not have a wake, funeral or memorial when someone dies.

 

The 2 that said no funeral didn't want it because it would be too sad, too hard, too much.

 

Has anyone experienced this?

 

I haven't read any other responses but here is my experience.

 

I worked with a man for nearly 10 years. He left the company, but stayed in the industry...I left the company to be a SAHM. He and I stayed in contact over he next few years....sporadic 'catch up' phone calls...He was divorced, estranged from his only child (early 20s) and his mother had died. He was found by an co-worker dead in his car...with the car running...in his drive way. He had had a heart attack as he started his car to go to work. His son was his next of kin....and decided (with help from his mother I'm sure) to just cremate my friend and have no service. This left many many friends all over the country just hanging. It was terrible. So the Sr. VP of the company we both used to work for and many many friends, x-coworkers, current co-workers.....put together a memorial service for him. He lived out of state by then, but the VP of our old company flew down and spoke at the memorial service and many other employees made the trip down to attend.

 

The thing is....next of kin have a lot of power....but they don't have ALL the power....anyone can put together a memorial service.

 

I think nearly everyone deserves a good bye.

[Tap]

My aunt who had schizophrenia and lung cancer passed away last year. My mother had helped to take care of her off and on most of my aunts life. In the end, my aunt was living with my mother. She was a very, very hard person to be around let alone reside with. Her 3 bio-children (30-40yo) hadn't had contact with her in years. My aunt wanted a burial and had told my mother that, but part of her illness was that she wouldn't sign any papers to document her wishes.

 

There is a long story about the week after the funeral that I will skip. In the end, my aunt's kids didn't want to pay for the body prep expense nor a funeral. My mother, who is very poor herself, offered to pay for the expenses, but wanted a funeral, the kids refused to release the body to her. Since, in the state of Oregon, the children have all the rights to a body, the funeral home couldn't release her to anyone else. We still don't know what they did with her. We figure they cremated her. It is very sad that someone was willing to provide a service for her, but the people making the decisions were the ones who really didn't know her wishes at all.

 

After a week off hell for my mother, she decided to just have her own memorial service. We all went to a small BnB and rented out their dining area. We had an 'our side of the family service' led by my sister. It was small (15 people or so) but nice and is honestly more of what I think a memorial/funeral should be.

[Scarlett]

My aunt who had schizophrenia and lung cancer passed away last year. My mother had helped to take care of her off and on most of my aunts life. In the end, my aunt was living with my mother. She was a very, very hard person to be around let alone reside with. Her 3 bio-children (30-40yo) hadn't had contact with her in years. My aunt wanted a burial and had told my mother that, but part of her illness was that she wouldn't sign any papers to document her wishes.

 

There is a long story about the week after the funeral that I will skip. In the end, my aunt's kids didn't want to pay for the body prep expense nor a funeral. My mother, who is very poor herself, offered to pay for the expenses, but wanted a funeral, the kids refused to release the body to her. Since, in the state of Oregon, the children have all the rights to a body, the funeral home couldn't release her to anyone else. We still don't know what they did with her. We figure they cremated her. It is very sad that someone was willing to provide a service for her, but the people making the decisions were the ones who really didn't know her wishes at all.

 

After a week off hell for my mother, she decided to just have her own memorial service. We all went to a small BnB and rented out their dining area. We had an 'our side of the family service' led by my sister. It was small (15 people or so) but nice and is honestly more of what I think a memorial/funeral should be.

 

Wow. Sad story with a sweet ending.....

 

I have a Paranoid Schizophrenic brother who lives in a state facility and is a ward of the state....I wonder what they will do with his body? :( I mean when he dies...he isn't near death at all right now!