ADopted Russian Boy flown unaccompanied back to Russia

[TravelingChris]

I don't know how to link this story but apparantly an American single woman in TN adopted a Russian boy and decided he had too many psychological problems and had her mother take the boy to DC and put him on a flight to MOscow where they had previously paid someone $200 to tranpost him to The Russian Ministry of Health or someplace like that. Russia has now halted all adoptions to the US unless the US signs an agreement with them about placements.

 

I understand that the mother was overwhelmed and didn't know what to do but where is the adoption agency with all of this? Shouldn't she have been required to have health insurance to deal with potential mental problems. THe grandmother states the boy was beaten and malnourished and so they send him back instead of trying to get a more appropriate placement here. I find the story so sad.

[mom31257]

When does this take effect? I know someone in Russia right now who is there to finalize the adoption and leave later this month with their little girl.

[fivetails]

 

U.S. woman returns adopted son to Russia - there it is, on CBC.

[Orthodox6]

Makes me angry to read about this. Unspeakably irresponsible ! I'll see what I can find in news sources.

 

From foreign adoption cases I have seen personally, it does appear that the adoptive parents are not provided sufficient education ahead of time for how to deal with children coming to them with existing psychological and physical problems. The parents suddenly are bombarded and overwhelmed with unforeseen difficulties that, sometimes, prove insupportable. I have seen this with children coming from Russia and from Romania. Heartbreaking for both the children and for the adoptive parents unless good and appropriate support is available.

 

Even so, this woman in TN sounds as if she should receive consequences, although I can't imagine from what authority source.

 

At first reflection, I think that I would support a bilateral agreement for international adoptions. That would protect parties on both sides, if up front standards are met and supervised.

 

 

I don't know how to link this story but apparantly an American single woman in TN adopted a Russian boy and decided he had too many psychological problems and had her mother take the boy to DC and put him on a flight to MOscow where they had previously paid someone $200 to tranpost him to The Russian Ministry of Health or someplace like that. Russia has now halted all adoptions to the US unless the US signs an agreement with them about placements.

 

I understand that the mother was overwhelmed and didn't know what to do but where is the adoption agency with all of this? Shouldn't she have been required to have health insurance to deal with potential mental problems. THe grandmother states the boy was beaten and malnourished and so they send him back instead of trying to get a more appropriate placement here. I find the story so sad.

[CalicoKat]

:001_huh: how horrible for that little boy.

[shinyhappypeople]

...nevermind...

Edited April 10, 2010 by shinyhappypeople

[Mejane]

What a terrible thing to do. Another striking example of why other peoples view Americans the way they do. :glare:

[swellmomma]

Poor kid. Given what I go through with DS on a daily basis I can understand why the adoptive mother could not handle him if he was anything like my ds, BUT that does not mean you stick him on a plane and call it quits. The article does not state if she tried to access services, counselling, assements etc before giving up on him. THe boy has stated she pulled his hair and didn't love him, so perhaps his behaviour (whatever it was) was due to moving to a foreign country and being abused rather than loved.

 

From my perspective as a mother raising a child who has "psychopathic tendencies" as the adoptive mother stated this boy has. There is WAY more services available for adoptive parents than for the birth parents raising these difficult children. IF I had adopted ds and he had these behaviours we would be handed therapies, counselling, etc galore. I would be seen as the hero trying to rescue this poor child. As a birth mother I am treated like a bad mom for having a kid like this. Like I must have done something during my pregnancy to damage him, or neglected or abused him or something to cause his issues. There is a fraction of the services available to help him as a birth parent than if I had adopted him. Adoptive parents are not the only ones left scrambling, scratching their heads when a child turns out to have severe issues, particularily mental ones.

 

This mother could have done a lot to see what was going on with this boy. Perhaps he was a danger to the family and should have been placed into another situation but to just stick him on a plane and return him like he was an ill fitting accessory is just wrong.

[savmom]

You would think the airline would question her when she sent her young child unaccompanied on an overseas flight!

 

No matter how violent or psychologically impaired he was, surely there had to be some help for him here SOMEWHERE :sad:

 

Edited to say that according to this article, apparently Artem's biological mother had jut lost her parental rights due to alcoholism (which could mean he had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome). The adoptive mother could have easily sought help for that. Also, neither Artem NOR her biological son were in school (don't adopted children have to attend school), he said they "played at home all day" and a "grandmother shouted at him." More at link.

 

Cindy

Edited April 9, 2010 by savmom
Forgot to add something

[Impish]

I haven't checked out the link yet.

 

What I will say is that children with RAD are the most likely ones to have disrupted adoptions, AND they will claim abuse by their aparents to anyone who will listen as well.

 

I'm not judging on this. I've read too many first hand accounts of adoptive parents whose children have RAD to such a degree that they are dangerous to the entire family, up to and including such issues as having a parent arrested for abuse (completely unfounded) setting fires to buildings, and preying on the other children in the home. I'm not saying EVERY child with RAD is this extreme, but I know that it does happen. These are the same kids that everyone else thinks is the perfect angel, so sweet, lovable, cuddly, well behaved. Even professionals are snowed, unless they have specific training in RAD.

 

News sources ALWAYS go for the sensational angle. Always. Regardless of what the truth is.

 

Considering how difficult international adoption is, not to mention expensive as well, I have to think that there's a heck of a lot more to this situation than any news source would bother to report.

[Impish]

*snip* Also, neither Artem NOR her biological son were in school (don't adopted children have to attend school), he said they "played at home all day" and a "grandmother shouted at him." More at link.

 

Cindy

Adoptive children do not have to attend school any more than a bio child does. In fact, homeschooling is considered a plus when looking into adopting via social services here.

[rookie]

What a terrible thing to do. Another striking example of why other peoples view Americans the way they do. :glare:

 

 

I agree that this is a terrible thing and should never have happened, BUT, really "Another striking example of why other peoples view Americans the way they do"???

 

One American woman sends back one child and all of America is judged?

 

I do not know the stats, but I am guessing that US families would be among the top - in the world - of families willing to adopt children including children with disabilities. There are even families who focus on adopting only disabled children and giving them a chance.

 

Who else does that?

 

Why is everything always an opportunity to bash Americans?

 

One person did wrong. I bet she has a side to the story too. I, an American, who has done no such thing and has spent THOUSANDS of dollars helping orphans across the world should not be judged by this.

[BigMamaBird]

Oh man! That makes my heart hurt.

[savmom]

Adoptive children do not have to attend school any more than a bio child does. In fact, homeschooling is considered a plus when looking into adopting via social services here.

 

 

 

I'm sorry if my post upset you :grouphug:

 

I was not certain what the laws were but one family I know has their adopted children in PS and homeschools their bio-children. The mom told me she was required to send them all to PS when they completed the last adoption (about 5-6 years ago).

 

Maybe each state is different, I'll have to ask her again, I haven't talked to her in awhile.

 

 

Cindy

[Medieval Mom]

This is a very sad situation for everyone involved. Although I am not defending the woman's actions, I don't think we are privy to all the information here. I hope that everyone involved gets the help they need.

 

(I do not think it reflects badly on America... This situation could have happened to many different people, in many different places.)

Edited April 10, 2010 by Medieval Mom

[lynn]

hat is so sad. DH worked with a man whose family took in a girl who was adopted from China after the adoptive family decided after a few years they had enough of being parents and wanted their "freedom". I am sure there is more to the story. I think sometimes people want a child so bad they don't think through or hear only what they choose to hear regarding issues that may come up.

[CatMomof3]

I am assuming that adopting from Russia is not cheap. I am assuming that the "mother" would have to had to go to Russia at least once, maybe more, to spend time with the child before the adoption could be finalized. So this woman went to Russia, spent thousands (if not tens of thousands) of dollars for this boy, and then throws him on a plane a few months later? Does this seem right to anyone? AND the Russian government all of sudden stopping ALL adoptions to the United States because of one woman. What about the agency that finalized the adoption, what is their responsibility?

 

To many unanswered questions before I can throw stones, but if the "mother" neglected and abused the boy (as the article leads us to believe), then she goes directly to jail.

[Guest]

As far as statistics go, the NYT article on the boy says Russia claims that fourteen Russian children adopted into the US have died at the hands of their parents since 1996. So apparently this most recent case was one more piece of evidence contributing to the blame put on Americans in general (plus current politics on both sides). It would be interesting to know what similar statistics are for countries who also adopt from Russia. I couldn't find that anywhere.

[Tap]

So, I am curious to ask. What part of the story do people have the most issue with?

 

That she was returning the boy to Russia at all?

That she didn't fly with him and take him to the appropriate place herself?

That she attached a note and sent him on his way?

That she was accused of pulling his hair?

 

What about the story specifically bothers everyone the most. What do you think she should have done. Lets give her the leniency and say that it was not a healthy situation for either on of them, and she had tried counseling. She knew she couldn't keep him. What do you think she should have done.

 

 

I am absolutely not agreeing with her, but I am very curious about which details everyone is the most upset about.

 

 

We unexpectedly adopted dd3. We thought we were fostering her for a while, but her mom didn't get it together. So, her we are. She has extreme behavior issues so I can empathize with the mom here. Taking on a child with issues is like accepting a time bomb and thinking it is an alarm clock. No one can really prepare you for the amount of energy or resources a child like this consumes. I would have hoped to see her go through the proper channels to legally return him to Russia or give the child to a local agency if she found that she didn't have the skills/patience necessary to parent him.

 

I am happy to see that she at least made arrangements to have him looked after on the flight and then for someone to pick him up on the other end. It is not an ideal situation AT ALL but I am happy that she was making sure he was looked after.

Edited April 9, 2010 by Tap, tap, tap

[EmilyK]

To answer tap, tap, tap's question, it would be putting a kid (with issues) on a plane alone with a note. And that's the way to "return" him.

 

I don't judge people who undo adoptions, but there is (presumably) a legal and safe way to do that with agencies, etc. Just like there are good and bad ways to surrender a bio-kid.

[Rebecca VA]

A couple of years ago I posted here about a situation in my own neighborhood involving a family with two adopted Russian children. The daughter, who was a friend of my daughter, told us that her adoptive mom was going to take her to Russia and give her bio mom some money. My "mom instincts" went on high alert when she said that, because the adoptive mom was the most self-centered person in the neighborhood (they've since moved) and she didn't have any money to spare. I knew from experience with her that she often neglected her children and sent them to the neighbors' homes so that she could be with her fiance (she was divorced and involved with a new man). She constantly complained about her Russian-born son, who she said was a danger to her (though he was absolutely wonderful, polite, intelligent, and lovable every time I was with him).

 

When I made that post, I was seriously worried that the mom would get the girl over to Russia and "lose" her. Even my husband, who doesn't have as much of an imagination as I do, was concerned. He had a creepy feeling about the woman's fiance.

 

Since that time the son was sent off to a treatment school out West. He's back now so heavily medicated that you can't even hold a conversation with him anymore. The family (mom, kids, and fiance) moved to a nearby town, and I've discouraged my daughter from contacting them. My heart breaks for the sweet little Russian friend, but this family has way too many issues.

 

It wouldn't surprise me one bit to read something horrible about these former neighbors in the newspaper one day. I don't know how this woman was allowed to adopt two children. She is a disaster as a mother.

[Cricket]

My brother and his wife have adopted internationally twice. They seriously considered Russia. Based on what they have told me, Russia and other former USSR nations have a bad track record of not disclosing psychological problems of children up for adoption. Once these children get here they can be violent and very hard to deal with. It's sad all around. Sad that this woman felt she had no other choice and sad for this poor child who won't get the help he needs. I'm surprised there weren't agencies here in the US the mother thought could help her. Some of these adoption agencies are in it only for the money. There's plenty of blame all around, I'd say.

 

Another friend of mine knew a woman who adopted from India. The adoptive parents were told she was three. After the adoption was over and a pediatrician here examine the child, they found out she was really 5 or 6 years old. She wasn't toilet-trained or even walking. I've seen adoptive parents also who treat their adopted children differently than their bio kids. It's so sad to see that happen!

Edited April 9, 2010 by Cricket

[TammyinTN]

What a horrible situation for all involved.

[fivetails]

 

What about the story specifically bothers everyone the most. What do you think she should have done. Lets give her the leniency and say that it was not a healthy situation for either on of them, and she had tried counseling. She knew she couldn't keep him. What do you think she should have done.

 

The part that I bolded just doesn't work for me. She "couldn't keep him"? This is a child, not a gerbil.

 

Whatever his difficulties, there were other options. Medical care, therapy, counselling, etc - if those were needed, then it was his mother's responsibility to line it up for him.

[Happy2BaMom]

...we were signed up with them for a time when we were considering adopting (then we moved cross country and realized it was too much to take on). WACAP is one of the best out there, as far as I was concerned. While many agencies did little or no adoptive parent education about adoptive issues, WACAP strictly enforced a lot of education....it was something like 40 hours + a "WACAP weekend" required. Part of those hours were to be spent becoming educated about the desired country of adoption. They also had a rigorous follow up program and were careful which Russian orphanages they worked with. I talked with the Russian program manager several times, and was struck by her dedication (she has done this for 10+ years) to helping older Russian children find homes.

 

This woman was in Tennessee, so they probably had a contract social worker. The woman didn't have the boy that long (several months, I think the article said). My guess is that she got impulsive and fed up (I'm NOT defending her, trust me....kids are not toys from Target) and did something impulsive and stupid.

 

We looked for years at adopting an older Russian boy. There are some really good kids there - I've known people who have adopted some older children and had remarkably few problems. However, it's a crapshoot, especially from the Eastern Bloc countries. A lot of those kids have significant emotional and psychological problems.

 

But you still don't just stick a kid on a plane by himself and have him dumped somewhere.

 

WACAP has now lost their Russia license. I hope they sue this lady.

[cillakat]

No matter how violent or psychologically impaired he was, surely there had to be some help for him here SOMEWHERE :sad:

 

I can only say that I know someone who adopted a child from Russia. Well, multiple folks. But one who's child had Major Issues.

 

Often the adoptive parents were blamed....for a multitude of things but the bottom line was that the child was extremely emotionally impaired and developmentally impaired due to FAS and other issues. He was far beyond any family's resources or ability to cope and getting him help was essentially impossible until.....

 

Finally, a series extreme behavioral events (on his part) occured, state agencies were able to see just how extremely severe his issues were and with the parents consent, he was placed in custody of the state and lives in long-term group care.

 

The boy in the story likely had issues much more severe than what anyone here can imagine.

 

K

[Impish]

So, I am curious to ask. What part of the story do people have the most issue with?

 

That she was returning the boy to Russia at all?

That she didn't fly with him and take him to the appropriate place herself?

That she attached a note and sent him on his way?

That she was accused of pulling his hair?

 

What about the story specifically bothers everyone the most. What do you think she should have done. Lets give her the leniency and say that it was not a healthy situation for either on of them, and she had tried counseling. She knew she couldn't keep him. What do you think she should have done.

 

 

I am absolutely not agreeing with her, but I am very curious about which details everyone is the most upset about.

 

 

We unexpectedly adopted dd3. We thought we were fostering her for a while, but her mom didn't get it together. So, her we are. She has extreme behavior issues so I can empathize with the mom here. Taking on a child with issues is like accepting a time bomb and thinking it is an alarm clock. No one can really prepare you for the amount of energy or resources a child like this consumes. I would have hoped to see her go through the proper channels to legally return him to Russia or give the child to a local agency if she found that she didn't have the skills/patience necessary to parent him.

 

I am happy to see that she at least made arrangements to have him looked after on the flight and then for someone to pick him up on the other end. It is not an ideal situation AT ALL but I am happy that she was making sure he was looked after.

I agree that putting him on a plane with a note was a horrid thing to do. I'm not arguing that at all.

 

I just think there is more to this than the media is reporting. For the Russian government to say that all that's wrong with him is 'being flat footed' I think is severe white washing.

 

Again, international adoption isn't easy or inexpensive. RAD, *if* that's the case, is something that the average person wouldn't spot in a 4 day visit. RAD children are known for being charming, affectionate, etc.

 

I'm NOT saying this was handled appropriately. It wasn't.

 

What I am saying is that I'm not going to throw this woman under a bus, because I don't believe at all that the full story has come out.

 

For a Russian official to say that the child was fine because they coloured a picture together...Sorry, but what else would anyone be willing to say to the media?

[LisainOhio]

Wow, what a horrible and tragic story. There are adoption disruptions that go on more often than people would like to think. The "right" way to do it definitely NOT putting a child, especially a child with so many issues, on a plane alone. If she would have done it the "right" way and contacted the agency or social worker, the child could have been adopted here in the US in a domestic adoption situation.

 

What now for this child? Will he spend the rest of his childhood in some orphanage? Will he get the help he needs? Will he ever be able to trust anyone again?

 

I'm not blaming the mom for disrupting because I get that it's the only solution for some families but I am blaming her for doing it in such an awful way.

 

I will be praying for this little guy.

[Impish]

The part that I bolded just doesn't work for me. She "couldn't keep him"? This is a child, not a gerbil.

 

Whatever his difficulties, there were other options. Medical care, therapy, counselling, etc - if those were needed, then it was his mother's responsibility to line it up for him.

First, I know of more than one situation of domestic adoption that the only thing that COULD be done was to disrupt the adoption...otherwise, the child wouldn't get the care they needed, because personal insurance only covers so much (both here in Canada, and in the States). Also, sometimes the only safe thing for both the child and the families is that the child is in a facility under 24/7 sight supervision. That means that the child MUST BE under visual supervision every.single.moment. No family I know of has that capability.

 

Its heartbreaking. Sometimes love, counseling, therapy...its just not enough. Some of these children learn as pre-verbal infants not to bother crying, because their needs aren't met. Its actually wired into their brains.

[Tap]

I can only say that I know someone who adopted a child from Russia. Well, multiple folks. But one who's child had Major Issues.

 

Often the adoptive parents were blamed....for a multitude of things but the bottom line was that the child was extremely emotionally impaired and developmentally impaired due to FAS and other issues. He was far beyond any family's resources or ability to cope and getting him help was essentially impossible until.....

 

Finally, a series extreme behavioral events (on his part) occured, state agencies were able to see just how extremely severe his issues were and with the parents consent, he was placed in custody of the state and lives in long-term group care.

 

The boy in the story likely had issues much more severe than what anyone here can imagine.

 

K

 

I agree that putting him on a plane with a note was a horrid thing to do. I'm not arguing that at all.

 

I just think there is more to this than the media is reporting. For the Russian government to say that all that's wrong with him is 'being flat footed' I think is severe white washing.

 

Again, international adoption isn't easy or inexpensive. RAD, *if* that's the case, is something that the average person wouldn't spot in a 4 day visit. RAD children are known for being charming, affectionate, etc.

 

I'm NOT saying this was handled appropriately. It wasn't.

 

What I am saying is that I'm not going to throw this woman under a bus, because I don't believe at all that the full story has come out.

 

For a Russian official to say that the child was fine because they coloured a picture together...Sorry, but what else would anyone be willing to say to the media?

 

These are the thoughts that I keep going back to. The Media is only reporting bits of the story so who knows what has really happened. RAD and other mental disorders aren't always curable/fixable or workable. There are children out there that are just tooo much for one person to handle and it sounds like she may be a single woman (no mention of an adoptive father/bio children in what I have read) and no other children so she may have been inexperienced as a parent and without a support system.

 

I just think it is wrong to assume the bits that the media have chose to present paint the whole story. The personal pain I have felt with dd3, and the effort this mom went through to bring the child here make me question some of the details being left out. There are obviously some people in the world who shouldn't be a parent, but there are also some kids who make it almost impossible to be a good one too.

[shinyhappypeople]

 

I'm not blaming the mom for disrupting because I get that it's the only solution for some families but I am blaming her for doing it in such an awful way.

 

Exactly. Adoption dissolution is sad, but can be handled humanely.

 

I suspect that she had reached the end of her rope and felt like she was out of options. She was probably angry at being deceived about his issues. I totally get it.

 

To throw in another possibility... I wonder if post-adoption depression played a role in this.

[Lisa in Jax]

I haven't checked out the link yet.

 

What I will say is that children with RAD are the most likely ones to have disrupted adoptions, AND they will claim abuse by their aparents to anyone who will listen as well.

 

I'm not judging on this. I've read too many first hand accounts of adoptive parents whose children have RAD to such a degree that they are dangerous to the entire family, up to and including such issues as having a parent arrested for abuse (completely unfounded) setting fires to buildings, and preying on the other children in the home. I'm not saying EVERY child with RAD is this extreme, but I know that it does happen. These are the same kids that everyone else thinks is the perfect angel, so sweet, lovable, cuddly, well behaved. Even professionals are snowed, unless they have specific training in RAD.

 

News sources ALWAYS go for the sensational angle. Always. Regardless of what the truth is.

 

Considering how difficult international adoption is, not to mention expensive as well, I have to think that there's a heck of a lot more to this situation than any news source would bother to report.

 

Thank you. We had to seek a new home for our then 13-year-old daughter who had been adopted at age 8. It was very hard to explain to someone who hasn't lived with a child like this just how bad it can be. Your unwillingness to judge this woman (and your understanding that news stories sensationalize) is much appreciated.

 

Lisa

[Tap]

The part that I bolded just doesn't work for me. She "couldn't keep him"? This is a child, not a gerbil.

 

Whatever his difficulties, there were other options. Medical care, therapy, counselling, etc - if those were needed, then it was his mother's responsibility to line it up for him.

 

 

No, he is not a gerbil. Exactly the point. If she isn't capable of taking care of him, he should be placed in a home that can. He deserves that.

[Impish]

Thank you. We had to seek a new home for our then 13-year-old daughter who had been adopted at age 8. It was very hard to explain to someone who hasn't lived with a child like this just how bad it can be. Your unwillingness to judge this woman (and your understanding that news stories sensationalize) is much appreciated.

 

Lisa

:grouphug: I'm sorry that this happened to your family (and I include your 13 yo dd as a part of your family).

 

What angers me most about RAD isn't the adoption issues. Its the original 'parents' (term applied very loosely) that CAUSED the child to develop RAD in the first place.

 

Too often, its the adoptive parents that are hung out to dry, for 'giving up' 'not loving enough' etc, etc, etc. They aren't the ones that abused/neglected the child. They're the ones (and yes, I'm speaking in generalities, just as there are children in the system through illness and death, there are those adoptive parents who completely suck) who are willing to let strangers assess their abilities as parents, their home, their bank accounts, their marriages (if applicable), interview their children (again, if applicable), jump through hoop after hoop just for the CHANCE of adopting a child.

 

And yes, social workers *do* lie to get children placed. I've heard that time and again...too often for it to be an urban myth. I know that its been a problem in our province, so much so that laws were passed to ensure that potential parents had *all* the information possible, in an attempt to prevent (or at least lessen) the number of adoptions dissolved.

[Aggie]

Thank you. We had to seek a new home for our then 13-year-old daughter who had been adopted at age 8. It was very hard to explain to someone who hasn't lived with a child like this just how bad it can be. Your unwillingness to judge this woman (and your understanding that news stories sensationalize) is much appreciated.

 

Lisa

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Lisa...I remember reading your post about your trip home and have wondered how your family is doing.:grouphug:

Edited April 9, 2010 by Aggie

[kalanamak]

 

One American woman sends back one child and all of America is judged?

 

 

 

Yes, by anyone who wants to judge.

[mycalling]

I, too, wonder what the full truth is. Just because she finally went this route doesn't mean she didn't try other options beforehand. I don't believe had she contacted the correct Russian authorities, they would have told her, sure, just send him back. She probably tried to do so with their help, the correct way.

 

We have experience with a dangerous child. My step-daughter came to our home having never met any of us (so basically like an adoption) and she abused all of our young children. FOR MONTHS, I believed she wasn't capable of what one of my children claimed when someone would actually tell me they didn't "hurt themselves." She had my children terrorized to lie for her and say that child hurt themselves. She beat and kicked them in the heads daily. Smothered my son in a blanket and punched him in the stomach. Shoved my 2yo daughter down the stairs, then a month later did the same to my 6yo DS. She'd trip them then kick them of step on them.

 

Once I finally found out, through proof of bruised on their ears, lumps on their heads, I wanted her gone. My husband still didn't believe it and I kicked him out of the house with her...later they came back and for months more she continued to hurt all 5 of my biologically children until my husband discovered the truth. I convinced my kids I'd protect them from her when they told the truth, they were so scared this took months. She did finally change once her dad was on board with finding her a new home if she continued. It took a lot of work for our whole family. Not all children can just change their behavior, I count us lucky that we were able to save her. So I won't judge someone who couldn't.

[fivetails]

The part that I bolded just doesn't work for me. She "couldn't keep him"? This is a child, not a gerbil.

 

Whatever his difficulties, there were other options. Medical care, therapy, counselling, etc - if those were needed, then it was his mother's responsibility to line it up for him.

 

First, I know of more than one situation of domestic adoption that the only thing that COULD be done was to disrupt the adoption...otherwise, the child wouldn't get the care they needed, because personal insurance only covers so much (both here in Canada, and in the States). Also, sometimes the only safe thing for both the child and the families is that the child is in a facility under 24/7 sight supervision. That means that the child MUST BE under visual supervision every.single.moment. No family I know of has that capability.

 

Its heartbreaking. Sometimes love, counseling, therapy...its just not enough. Some of these children learn as pre-verbal infants not to bother crying, because their needs aren't met. Its actually wired into their brains.

 

"Medical care, therapy, counselling, etc" -- my "etc" was meant to cover *whatever* care is necessary. Yes, I know that some kids need to be placed in a residential treatment center - and if that's the best option for the child, then I can stand behind a parent who chooses that option... but choosing to place your child into a residential center/group home/etc is a world of different from "returning them", as this lady seems to have attempted.

[Impish]

"Medical care, therapy, counselling, etc" -- my "etc" was meant to cover *whatever* care is necessary. Yes, I know that some kids need to be placed in a residential treatment center - and if that's the best option for the child, then I can stand behind a parent who chooses that option... but choosing to place your child into a residential center/group home/etc is a world of different from "returning them", as this lady seems to have attempted.

I get what you're saying. But if this child is a Russian national, as stated in her letter, then chances are she couldn't get him help the way needed...perhaps she wasn't allowed to 'surrender' him the same way a domestic adoption can disrupt and surrender to CPS? That is the only way the families I know of could have their child put into full time care, was to surrender the child to social services...their insurance wouldn't cover it, they had to dissolve the adoption and have the child put in the system.

 

All I have are questions...which is why I think there is so much more to this than meets the eye...or the news.

[Tap]

"Medical care, therapy, counselling, etc" -- my "etc" was meant to cover *whatever* care is necessary. Yes, I know that some kids need to be placed in a residential treatment center - and if that's the best option for the child, then I can stand behind a parent who chooses that option... but choosing to place your child into a residential center/group home/etc is a world of different from "returning them", as this lady seems to have attempted.

 

I guess it is just an annoyance of the internet that inflection doesn't show up in posts. To me the ect in "Medical care, therapy, counselling, etc" would be looking for behavior modification not surrendering them to a group home. I would consider giving your child to someone else to care for 24/7 closer to returning him than counseling. I know there are group homes that are temporary situations but still, it is saying 'I as a parent, cannot provide the best care for this child or there is a need to protect others (or maybe even themselves) from them'.

 

I have worked 3 years in group homes and have had my own child in therapy off and on for 2 years. They are worlds apart in the type of care provided.

[fivetails]

"Medical care, therapy, counselling, etc" -- my "etc" was meant to cover *whatever* care is necessary. Yes, I know that some kids need to be placed in a residential treatment center - and if that's the best option for the child, then I can stand behind a parent who chooses that option... but choosing to place your child into a residential center/group home/etc is a world of different from "returning them", as this lady seems to have attempted.

 

I guess it is just an annoyance of the internet that inflection doesn't show up in posts. To me the ect in "Medical care, therapy, counselling, etc" would be looking for behavior modification not surrendering them to a group home. I would consider giving your child to someone else to care for 24/7 closer to returning him than counseling. I know there are group homes that are temporary situations but still, it is saying 'I as a parent, cannot provide the best care for this child or there is a need to protect others (or maybe even themselves) from them'.

 

I have worked 3 years in group homes and have had my own child in therapy off and on for 2 years. They are worlds apart in the type of care provided.

 

See, I don't consider having a child spend time in residential treatment as "surrendering them" ...unless, of course, the parents give up their rights and the child is made a permanent ward...

 

Many kids in group homes still have a lot of family involvement - therapy appts with family members, day/weekend passes to go home, etc...

 

I don't think that a parent who chooses residential treatment is automatically saying "I cannot provide the best care for this child" ... the parent is making the decision [and a hard one at that] to HELP their child...know what I mean?

[Tap]

See, I don't consider having a child spend time in residential treatment as "surrendering them" ...unless, of course, the parents give up their rights and the child is made a permanent ward...

 

Many kids in group homes still have a lot of family involvement - therapy appts with family members, day/weekend passes to go home, etc...

 

I don't think that a parent who chooses residential treatment is automatically saying "I cannot provide the best care for this child" ... the parent is making the decision [and a hard one at that] to HELP their child...know what I mean?

 

Nope, sorry, I don't. No worries though, it is just two different ways of looking at things.

[Mejane]

I agree that this is a terrible thing and should never have happened, BUT, really "Another striking example of why other peoples view Americans the way they do"???

 

One American woman sends back one child and all of America is judged?

 

 

 

um... we ARE being judged. Russia has frozen all adoptions by Americans. Americans are judged more harshly than those in other countries. Maybe it's because we are seen to have all the advantages. Maybe it's because we portray ourselves as superior. If you don't think we, as a people, will be judged by this incident, you have your head in the sand.

[2cents]

Sad story. I have a friend who had to disrupt an adoption of a child from overseas. The agency lied to the adoptive family and eventually the child was diagnosed with severe psychological issues (RAD etc). He was dangerous and threatened his sister. I watched my friend go to countless doctors and try to work with the agency but nothing helped. The agency just wanted her gone and wasn't interested in helping her. Agencies in the US had very limited help to offer since it was an intl. adoption. She was stuck and it almost tore the family apart. She finally found a group that specialized in adoption disruptions and though that group was able to find other parents who had experience and knowledge of how to deal with his problems. Even though she did the best she could for that child, I know it bothers her that she couldn't get though to him. I think she is a hero for admitting her limitations and finding a better situation for him. I don't like how the woman in the news returned her son to Russia but after what I've seen, I can feel her frustration and anger. She must have been at the end of her rope and maybe putting him on a plane alone was better than what could have been a worse outcome had he remained in her home.

[Impish]

For extended residential treatment, giving up parental rights and surrendering the child to social services IS sometimes the only way to get them that treatment. Few public or private insurances have long term mental health treatments available. Surrendering, disrupting the adoption is sometimes the best choice that the parent can make...for everyone involved, including the child.

[Denisemomof4]

I don't judge people who undo adoptions, but there is (presumably) a legal and safe way to do that with agencies, etc. Just like there are good and bad ways to surrender a bio-kid.

 

Some people can't afford to disrupt. It was something we considered at one time, and then after doing some research we found that we would be financially responsible for her ($800 per month minimum) until she turned 18 unless we found another family for her. And of course legal fees were another added expense. We were also afraid to disrupt because we were afraid of the safety of our other three children. She did have false abuse allegations, and they started at AGE THREE.

 

It's also true that people go into adoption unprepared. They are lied to and are not equipped to deal with the situations they are faced. The agency cuts you off once the adoption is final. We were desperate for help at one time and there was none out there.

[LibraryLover]

I do think there is something in our collective American DNA that constantly tells us "Can Do!" no matter how impossible the situation.

 

I think this is heartbreaking and I don't even know what to think. I want to string the woman up, I want to arrest the grandmother etc. Yet there is something here I absolutely do not undersatnd. I have never been in such a place, so I really do not know what to make of any of it.

Edited April 10, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Denisemomof4]

A couple of years ago I posted here about a situation in my own neighborhood involving a family with two adopted Russian children. The daughter, who was a friend of my daughter, told us that her adoptive mom was going to take her to Russia and give her bio mom some money. My "mom instincts" went on high alert when she said that, because the adoptive mom was the most self-centered person in the neighborhood (they've since moved) and she didn't have any money to spare. I knew from experience with her that she often neglected her children and sent them to the neighbors' homes so that she could be with her fiance (she was divorced and involved with a new man). She constantly complained about her Russian-born son, who she said was a danger to her (though he was absolutely wonderful, polite, intelligent, and lovable every time I was with him).

 

When I made that post, I was seriously worried that the mom would get the girl over to Russia and "lose" her. Even my husband, who doesn't have as much of an imagination as I do, was concerned. He had a creepy feeling about the woman's fiance.

 

Since that time the son was sent off to a treatment school out West. He's back now so heavily medicated that you can't even hold a conversation with him anymore. The family (mom, kids, and fiance) moved to a nearby town, and I've discouraged my daughter from contacting them. My heart breaks for the sweet little Russian friend, but this family has way too many issues.

 

It wouldn't surprise me one bit to read something horrible about these former neighbors in the newspaper one day. I don't know how this woman was allowed to adopt two children. She is a disaster as a mother.

 

Rebecca, your post makes me so sad. I have so many times been judged by people who simply do NOT understand the serious adoption issues we faced with our daughter. She was the perfect little angel when around other people. ALL kids with attachment disorder or RAD are. They are wonderful, charming kids who behind closed doors try to kill animals, pee on the furniture ON PURPOSE, destroy the house, cause problems within relationships. You just have NO idea how difficult it is on the PARENTS, especially ME, to have people questioning why I do things the way I do. They don't understand why I guard my daughter so closely. They tell me ALL THE TIME what a great kid she is. They tell her ALL THE TIME what a good girl she is. They don't want to hear a single negative thing. They would be SHOCKED to see her true colors. You simply have NO idea what happened with that family.

 

I'm certain we've been judged and looked down on many times. Do you have any idea how hard that is? Do you know what it's like to have to keep your child attached to your hip for YEARS ON END because if you don't, an animal will get hurt (or worse), or the house will get destroyed? This is my life. This is my reality. Some adoptive mothers simply withdraw because they can't deal with the questions, judgments, treatment by others. Like dealing with these difficult kids isn't hard enough. I refuse to become a recluse because people who don't know any better say and do things to make me feel badly. It's just SO unfair. Unless you've adopted or fostered a child with serious issues and have researched their condition, you simply have NO CLUE as to what the parents are faced with.

 

That neighbor's son would NOT have been highly medicated without having serious issues. The treatment facilities that help these kids keep them long enough to see their issues. They know what they're doing. It does sound like he is a very sick child.

 

Now I have ignorant people telling me how I need to leave my daughter in our co=op classes, or let her play with the older kids. They just don't know how serious the repercussions of doing this would be. I tell my daughter all the time that I won't fail her. So I keep doing what's right FOR HER, and dealing with all the other adults and their constant questioning. It's just so tiring and draining sometimes.

[Denisemomof4]

>>>>>That means that the child MUST BE under visual supervision every.single.moment. No family I know of has that capability.

 

 

Uuummmmmmmm, that would be my family. Mainly ME.

 

 

 

>>>>>>Its heartbreaking. Sometimes love, counseling, therapy...its just not enough. Some of these children learn as pre-verbal infants not to bother crying, because their needs aren't met. Its actually wired into their brains.

 

 

My daughter, adopted at 14 MONTHS OF AGE, is now 7. She's been with us 6 years. She still doesn't come to me when she's hurt unless someone sees her get hurt and then they will bring her to me. I'm always asking her, "When/how/where did you get that???" when I see a huge bruise/scrape/injury.

[Denisemomof4]

Thank you. We had to seek a new home for our then 13-year-old daughter who had been adopted at age 8. It was very hard to explain to someone who hasn't lived with a child like this just how bad it can be. Your unwillingness to judge this woman (and your understanding that news stories sensationalize) is much appreciated.

 

Lisa

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: