Facebook--are you friends with guys your dh doesn't know?

[Ottakee]

Until now, I have been friends with just a few ladies and then some relatives. This weekend I became friends with my best friend's dh. He works out of state for 6-10 weeks at a time. My dh though is friends with him on facebook as well.

 

Then today I got a request to be friends with a guy I was friends with in highschool. NO romantic stuff ever---I am married, he is married and pastoring a church about 20 miles from here. My dh though does not know this guy at all.

 

I could:

ignore him

add him as a friend

add him as a friend AND have dh add him as a friend--so dh would know what is posted/etc.

other?????

 

I need to figure this out. I know that internet romance stuff, etc. can be so terrible to a marriage/family that I don't even want to go NEAR that slippery slope. On the other hand, I find it interesting to keep up with people from highschool, etc.

 

If it matters, dh does have my password for facebook and could see anything I even sent as a personal message.

 

What are you thoughts on this? Have to talk to dh about this later today.

[SproutMamaK]

Yes, I am - even a few exes where the relationship ended on friendly terms. My DH is well aware of it. If you think your DH might be concerned about it, just ask him, and if he's okay with it then I see no reason not to.

[Joanne]

Yes, I am friends with people DH doesn't "know", but he knows of, about or the history involved with everyone.

[kmacnchs]

ask your dh

 

and may I just say if you are questioning it...slippery slope!:tongue_smilie:

[Impish]

Yes, I am. Wolf is aware of it though...My friend since high school, her dh is on my facebook. Then again, I'm rarely on facebook at all. I have his cousin as a friend too.

 

I haven't sat down with him and gone through each and every friend I have on there though...maybe cause it isn't something I use, other than to email with Wolf's sister and brother now and then?

 

Heck, I think I have more of his family members as 'friends' than I do anyone else! :lol:

[blessed2fosteradopt]

Yes, I am - even a few exes where the relationship ended on friendly terms. My DH is well aware of it. If you think your DH might be concerned about it, just ask him, and if he's okay with it then I see no reason not to.

 

:iagree:I have old male friends, ex's and even my DH's ex-wife as Facebook friends. My husband and I have been happily married for 17 years. We both trust each other fully and are not threatened about communicating with people in our pasts. It's fun to see where everybody ended up and what path they are on.

[QueenCat]

Yes, I have male FB friends from way back when that were just friends. I don't see why it would be a problem unless you hid it from him. And I have no problem with him being FB friends with female co-workers, high school buddies, etc as long as he wasn't in a relationship with them.

[patchfire]

Yes, though he has at least met all of them, iirc. We went to college together, however, and have overlapping circles of high school friends, so I would have to work to find people he's never at least seen from either time period of life. :)

[JoyfulMama]

Yes, I am - even a few exes where the relationship ended on friendly terms. My DH is well aware of it. If you think your DH might be concerned about it, just ask him, and if he's okay with it then I see no reason not to.

:iagree:I'm not friends with anyone on FB that I would not speak to in person, or that I wouldn't introduce my dh or my children to.

 

But, it depends on how you view other things, I guess. If you don't normally speak to men your dh doesn't know, maybe you wouldn't do so online either.

[angela in ohio]

ask your dh

 

and may I just say if you are questioning it...slippery slope!:tongue_smilie:

 

:iagree:

 

I always ask what the benefits are and what the risks are. Knowing the risk of infidelity and what it could do to a family, I ask if the benefit of getting to peep into the lives of people I used to know is worth it? :001_smile: I think few people are looking to have an affair; everyone thinks they are the one who can reisist.

 

It is also about appearances. When I was on FB, and I saw a married friend get too-friendly messages from men, it made me think differently of her and bad for her dh whether I wanted to or not.

 

Ultimately, though, asking your dh is the best way to handle it.

[RoughCollie]

My DH has met 5 of my male friends who are on FB -- my former husband, and 4 good friends of mine. It's been from 15 to 21 years since he met them, though.

 

I have another male friend on FB who is a close friend of my former husband's and mine, whom DH has never met.

 

There's no slippery slope in sight. No matter what anyone does or thinks, I trust myself 100%.

Edited February 2, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Stacie]

Yes, quite a few (some I dated and some old flames/crushes too). My dh doesn't know them, but they are friends I've made through the years. I even popchat with a few from time to time. DH doesn't have a problem with it, nor do I have a problem with his friend list. We have each other as friends, so I can see his wall and he can see mine.

[4kiddies]

My husband could care less who I am "friends" with on facebook, and if my husband had facebook I wouldn't care who he was friends with either. Neither one of us is a jealous type person in the least.

[Krista in LA]

I have lots of men for friends that my dh has never met, but they are my friends from high school and live half way across the country (one is even half way across the world). Dh doesn't seem bothered by it and he has women he went to high school with as his friends. Old high school friends don't bother me one bit, even the one that was a pretty serious girlfriend of his back in the day. Now if he started adding women that live places he travels for work that had no other connection, I might be concerned.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am friends with some high school college buddies (and an old boyfriend or two) that dh has never met. The old boyfriends were very short relationships - we were friends before and after we dated. No great loves from my past;). If they were, I really would not feel comfortable because of the history. Dh is aware of them and I have let him know that he can read it anytime he wants. He just has no interest.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I would simply ask hubby what he thinks. My hubby wouldn't care. And he'd have access as he pleased though I doubt he would.

[Mrs Mungo]

I have guys on my friend list from elementary school, high school and college. The vast majority are married, they all know I'm happily married and there's never been the smallest hint of any romantic possibilities. My dh is the same, he has females on his friends list but most of them are preacher's wives now. ;) Granted, we live far, far away from any of these people.

[Jen in PA]

My DH only knows a couple of my FB friends, and I don't know most of the people on his friends list. I really don't worry/think about it. Honestly, he's just happy that his ex friended me and not him:D

[elegantlion]

Yes, most of my friends in high school were guys, and so many of my facebook friends are men. I did ask my dh if it would bother him if I befriended my old prom date (just friends) and he said it wouldn't. It's been nice to catch up with some of them.

[Rosy]

DH and I are strict about IRL friends of the opposite sex--he doesn't do lunches with the girls at work, I don't hang out with guy friends. I don't have a problem with FB though--he has female friends, I have male friends. It's all public. He can see any conversation I'm having and vice versa, unless we take it to private messages. But with that, you could just as easily do that if you had someone's email address. Also, we have each other's passwords, so if I was suspicious, I could log in as him and check.

 

Really, you could make the same argument with cell phones. I'm not giving up my cell because there's a chance of some guy from high school sending me a naughty text! :) But, of course, every marriage is different and you have to do what you're comfortable with.

[dangermom]

Sure, a few guys I went to HS with, and one I dated for a while. I don't think I say much to them. We share most of our college friends. I think a good rule is to keep any communication on a public level--if you're not PMing a guy, you don't have much of a chance to flirt.

 

Well I did carry on a fairly long correspondence with one guy from college. All about homeschooling and the joys of Latin. Given that our mutual reaction when I saw that he's now married was "What girl did he manage to convince to marry him?!?, I don't think my husband is worried. (He is a lovely guy, but you wouldn't want to live with him.)

[cougarmom4]

You can always accept him as a friend, reconnect (meaning, find out where he is, how he is, what has happened over the past years, reminisce (sp!) about something, etc...) and then 'de-friend' him later. That's what I've done with a few guys from high school, elementary, etc--it is so fun to reconnect and find out how people have 'turned out'...but it's not like I'm going to want to have social contact with them for years to come. Does that make sense? I don't have any concern with dh being in touch with old girlfriends on facebook--but honestly I'd be a little uncomfortable if they were online chatting frequently or something.

 

I will say that I find it weird when my girlfriend's husbands ask to be my friend on facebook. I don't know why, but it's just weird. It's not like I'd call them up and chat. Of course I'm friendly to people, but I consider it a bit inappropriate for me to sit & talk with my friend's hubby in my living room when nobody else is in the house...so I'd say having an online chat would be borderline appropriate-ness, too. Just my opinion, of course. I kind of look at it as avoiding even the appearance of evil...and preventing anything inappropriate from ever happening. Not that I can seriously see myself suddenly making out with my friend's husband and starting an affair, but I think many times little things could lead to other choices...

[Brooketopia]

Of course I'm friends with guys my dh doesn't know...my past didn't disappear when I married him and I knew lots of guys before I even met dh.

 

He's friends with girls that I don't know and I've never thought twice about it.

[Cricket]

I'm friends with a lot of guys on FB. Some are all old high school classmates. We don't email or anything. It was more of a thing where it was fun to see what they were up to nowadays. We had a small graduating class so we all kind of knew each other. Honestly I never even thought about how appropriate it was. Dh does go on my account (I usually leave the screen open to that page) to check for news on a family situation at the moment. He isn't bothered specifically by any male "friends" because he thinks the whole idea of FB is ridiculous. "If you don't talk to these people anymore, why are they your friends?"

 

Actually, the only thing that has bothered him is an ad that pops up sometimes on the side with a picture of an attractive guy and it says that this person is trying to contact me. He kept asking me why this guy would be trying to find me. I had to explain it was an advertisement. :lol: He hasn't quite grasped the idea of "ignore most of what is on the page because it is meaningless junk, just look for the essential information."

[mktkcb]

Only long ago people that it is nice to keep in contact with because they were like family, and dh knows of and approves of.

[Haiku]

If it matters, dh does have my password for facebook and could see anything I even sent as a personal message.

 

What are you thoughts on this?

 

My thoughts? You are an adult. You can be friends with whomever you want. You don't have to limit your life to only those people your dh knows.

 

I know that internet romance stuff, etc. can be so terrible to a marriage/family that I don't even want to go NEAR that slippery slope.

 

Being friends with men my dh doesn't know is in no way a slippery slope. If I felt it were, I would honestly be worried about the state of my marriage. (That's not a slam against you, just my opinion about my life.)

 

Tara

[elegantlion]

 

Actually, the only thing that has bothered him is an ad that pops up sometimes on the side with a picture of an attractive guy and it says that this person is trying to contact me. He kept asking me why this guy would be trying to find me. I had to explain it was an advertisement. :lol: He hasn't quite grasped the idea of "ignore most of what is on the page because it is meaningless junk, just look for the essential information."

 

The first time I saw that it took a while to realize it was ad....darn. :D:tongue_smilie:

[HRAAB]

I don't have a facebook, but I have made several very good male friends through my blog. I often mention to my dh what one or the other commented. My dh doesn't have a blog or facebook, but he has several women friends from work; he meets them for lunch occasionally. No worries on his or my part. If I was worried, either about him or about me slipping down that slope, I would wonder about our marriage. That is my perspective about my own personal situation and marriage. You'll have to judge for yourself.

[Mrs Mungo]

Being friends with men my dh doesn't know is in no way a slippery slope. If I felt it were, I would honestly be worried about the state of my marriage. (That's not a slam against you, just my opinion about my life.)

 

 

I don't have a facebook, but I have made several very good male friends through my blog. I often mention to my dh what one or the other commented. My dh doesn't have a blog or facebook, but he has several women friends from work; he meets them for lunch occasionally. No worries on his or my part. If I was worried, either about him or about me slipping down that slope, I would wonder about our marriage. That is my perspective about my own personal situation and marriage. You'll have to judge for yourself.

 

Hm, I'm going to disagree with the implications of this a tiny bit. I think *for some people* it *is* a slippery slope. I personally know 2 women in real life who have run off with old boyfriends with whom they had reconnected through facebook. I know it's not an issue for me. I know where my own issues lie and where I *do* have to protect myself from various slippery slope scenarios. I don't meet any of our male friends alone for lunch and dh doesn't meet female friends or colleagues alone for lunch. Everyone has weaknesses. It's important to recognize them in oneself or you're not protecting yourself or your marriage. Being aware of one's *own* weaknesses doesn't mean that your marriage is in imminent danger.

[AngelBee]

Yes. Guys from high school and guys that I danced with. (I was a competitive dancer) Dh knows that I am and has access to my FB if he would like. :)

[Haiku]

I personally know 2 women in real life who have run off with old boyfriends with whom they had reconnected through facebook.

 

I have a very hard time believing that those women came from happy, committed marriages and that running off with a male Facebook friend happened completely out of the blue.

 

Maybe I am naive, but I don't really get the idea of "I can't meet male friends without my husband or I might run off with them" as being a weakness one needs to guard against. And I'm not trying to be snarky. I just don't get it.

 

Tara

[HRAAB]

Hm, I'm going to disagree with the implications of this a tiny bit. I think *for some people* it *is* a slippery slope. I personally know 2 women in real life who have run off with old boyfriends with whom they had reconnected through facebook. I know it's not an issue for me. I know where my own issues lie and where I *do* have to protect myself from various slippery slope scenarios. I don't meet any of our male friends alone for lunch and dh doesn't meet female friends or colleagues alone for lunch. Everyone has weaknesses. It's important to recognize them in oneself or you're not protecting yourself or your marriage. Being aware of one's *own* weaknesses doesn't mean that your marriage is in imminent danger.

 

I tried to make it clear I was speaking personally, for myself and my dh. That's why I said the OP needed to make that judgment for herself. I realize that for some having a friendship with the opposite sex could be a slippery slope. I have no idea if the OP has a weakness, or recognizes this as her slippery slope, or if her dh has a problem with jealousy; again, she needs to judge for herself and make a decision that is in the best interest of her marriage.

 

Asking others how they would handle these issues sometimes seems fruitless for the very reasons you stated.

[Mrs Mungo]

I have a very hard time believing that those women came from happy, committed marriages and that running off with a male Facebook friend happened completely out of the blue.

 

I'm not suggesting the marriages are completely happy and without issues. However, I do believe the marriages were salvageable. When you introduce a third party who is far away, a distant memory and it all seems fairy-tale-like it's easy to get carried away.

 

Maybe I am naive, but I don't really get the idea of "I can't meet male friends without my husband or I might run off with them" as being a weakness one needs to guard against. And I'm not trying to be snarky. I just don't get it.

 

 

Maybe it's just because extra-marital affairs so frequently wind up being public knowledge in our community. People get punished over them and therefore people find out about them. Maybe in civilian life people are able to keep it more quiet. I know extra-marital affairs are extremely common among both men and women. It's always the same story "I was lonely, s/he was someone to talk to, I didn't mean for it to get romantic." If you don't meet with the opposite sex alone then it can't "just happen." It also protects you against false rumors, also extremely common in our community.

[Dawn in OH]

I have a few male friends, from high school on Facebook. We never dated. They are all married. My husband doesn't know them, but I told him who they are, how I know them, etc. He has access to my Facebook account. We are very open and honest about how Facebook accounts and friends.

[Desert Rat]

Interesting question. Am I friends with guys my dh hasn't met in person? Yes. Am I friends with guys he doesn't know I'm friends with? No. It's not good to hide relationships in a marriage. Just sayin'.

[Tree House Academy]

Yes. There are a couple of guys from highschool on my friends list, my mom's ex husband, my best friend's boyfriend, my other best friend's husband, a former pastor, a man from church, and my current pastor (my husband does not go to church with the kids and I...but of course, he does know the pastor).

[Miss Peregrine]

I have guy friends from high school. I only had one boyfriend all through high school and he is not on my friend's list(although his wife is:tongue_smilie:)

 

Heck, even HIS old girlfriend asked to be my friend!

 

Dh asked who they were, I told him and that's it. He reads my facebook page anyway. Nothing to hide.

[Heather in OK]

Yes. Most he doesn't know personally but he does know about them.

[Janet in Toronto]

Yes, and it's no big deal for either of us. I also have lunch with male friends, and he has lunch with female colleagues. We have been married for 26 years and are completely open about everything. There is complete trust on both sides and it wouldn't occur to me to censor my friendships/activities in any way (other than the obvious, and that's not on, LOL!)

[ereks mom]

:iagree:I'm not friends with anyone on FB that I would not speak to in person, or that I wouldn't introduce my dh or my children to.

 

But, it depends on how you view other things, I guess. If you don't normally speak to men your dh doesn't know, maybe you wouldn't do so online either.

 

If you OR your dh is the jealous type, you should be very careful. I'm friends with LOTS of people on FB whom my dh has never met, including old classmates, old boyfriends, etc. Dh is 'FB friends' with people I've never met, including old classmates & old girlfriends. I know some people whose spouses WOULD be bothered by a situation like that, but for dh & me, it's really a non-issue. As with anything else, YMMV. :) Discuss it with your dh & see how it goes.

[Daisy]

Hubby and I share a FB account. Makes it really easy. :001_smile:

[Thea]

I have a few male friends, from high school on Facebook. We never dated. They are all married. My husband doesn't know them, but I told him who they are, how I know them, etc. He has access to my Facebook account. We are very open and honest about how Facebook accounts and friends.

 

This. :)

[Cricket]

I'm not suggesting the marriages are completely happy and without issues. However, I do believe the marriages were salvageable. When you introduce a third party who is far away, a distant memory and it all seems fairy-tale-like it's easy to get carried away.

 

:iagree: I didn't date in high school and only went out a couple of times in college. My dh is my first and only love. If I had a history with some of these guys on FB, I don't know that I would be "friends" with them.

[Jackie in AR]

Yes, I'm friends with men whom my dh hasn't met. Some are from high school; some are from online forums.

 

I was friends with a guy I used to know in college but he defriended me (in a huff) when he found he didn't agree with my political leanings. ;-)

[GaHadley]

yes. i am friends with people from high school and college that dh doesn't know, as is he friends with females from high school and college that I don't know. we both know passwords, but I haven't had any reaon for concern. . .

[Peela]

I am not friends with anyone on Facebook I dont know IRL. I have requests from people on these boards that I have refused simply because I dont know them IRL.

However, I also have plenty of male friends on Facebook. I think most of them Dh knows too but theres probably some he doesnt. Dh has the same. We also have each other on Facebook so we can see whats going on.

However, I go out with male friends IRL and dh is ok with that too.

Really, if you are going to have an affair, you are going to have an affair. Dh and I are both in a position to do so if we choose and we choose not to. We are not afraid of it. That slippery slope thing makes it sound like one is a victim of some virus that is floating around, and you have to be careful not to catch it. As if you have no ability to just say no.

[katilac]

Sure, I know lots of people dh doesn't know, and vice-versa. You can't really have an 'emotional affair' via wall-to-wall, y'know? You'd have to private message or instant chat, which is a whole 'nother thing than just being FB friends.

 

But everyone is different. dh and I have always worked in mixed gender situations where going to lunch with ppl of the opposite sex was not only par for the course, but pretty much required. And if we're at a party, we're both cool with dancing with other people. So FB friends really don't even blip on my radar.

[Goodallmomma]

I am friends with almost my entire high school class on FB. No, my husband doesn't know all of them. He is also friends with ladies I don't know. If he ask me who someone is I tell him everything there is to know. I assume he does the same.

[Amy loves Bud]

Yes, I am friends on FB with men Bud doesn't know, including two old boyfriends. I ignored a friend request from another old boyfriend because I didn't believe he just wanted to "catch up". The other two are good guys in happy marriages and it's fun to see what they are up to and pictures of their families and all that.

 

Bud doesn't go on FB, but my computer is always sitting about and I don't generally log out of FB or here, so he could check up on me if he wanted. I don't think he really has any interest, though.

 

Oh, and I'm friends with some men on FB that he is friends with in real life. I'm sure they would let him know if they thought something was a little off.

 

I don't really think it's a big deal.

[Ottakee]

Thanks for all of the interesting replies. I guess I am more sensitive to it as a leader in our church recently had an affair that had a computer basis. He was the guy that you would have NEVER expected it from, EVER.

 

Dh and I will be talking about this. Really to me, if dh prefers that I not, it is no big deal. We both have each others passwords, etc. as well. Dh is not jealous at all, I just want to be extra careful and be above reproach in all I do.