So tired of "you're not from around here" vent

[HollyDay]

Dh's job transfered us almost 5 YEARS ago. We have tried diligently to find a church home, settle into the community, and put down roots. We have invited people over, called the folks we have numbers for, and tried to be friendly and welcoming. To no avail....... We had folks over last night for dinner and games. The oldest daughter was not there because she was attending a conference with the other girls from church. No one thought to invite, or mention it, to my daughter. The girls met at Starbucks last Sunday after church, no one included my dd. There have been numerous bbqs, craftings, etc., that no one thinks to invite us. But, come Sunday, they laugh and talk about how much fun they all had together.

 

I finally mentioned this to the pastor's wife and another lady. They couldn't understand why I was not happy about it because I wasn't part of the core group. Back to last night.....We were told that many families were at the church from the beginning, it will take 3 or 4 years for us to become "a part of things"

 

Homeschool cover (required by law here). . . . .We have a pool. I invited the cover families who live close by to come swimming. No one did. The reason, "it takes a few years to get involved"

 

Meanwhile, life goes on. Birthday parties with no guests. Christmas cookie making with no cookie exchange. Illnesses, crises with no outside support or encouragement. Joyful events with no one to invite. I'm just tired of it!!!

 

So, what do I do? I'm not born and raised here. I won't always live here (for which I 'm beginning to be thankful). How do I make friends, or at least meet folks to spend some time with?

[Hedgehogs4]

and where is this place? good grief. you have my sympathies...if they are christians...i'm sort of speechless. sorry to hear you're having such a tough time.

[jenL]

Wow... I'm incredibly sorry no one is open to making new friends where you are! It sounds as if they are "testing" your family according to their "rules". That's not fair to you or your children, and I would also be heartbroken. What surprises me the most is the attitude of your pastor, as if it's okay to be shunned for a bit because you aren't part of the core. That's not a church I'd want to belong to since they don't sound very open at all. It sounds as if you've done all the right things - inviting people over, getting involved, etc. I'm not sure what suggestions to offer. I will say prayers for your family that things become better. :grouphug:

[TN Mama]

:grouphug: I'm sorry you're going through this. Sounds like you have tried everything I would normally suggest. Sad to hear there is a time frame for being able to "belong".

[Harriet Vane]

Good heavens. That's awful. I think you should talk to the pastor's wife again, this time armed with some Bible verses. It sounds like they are too complacent in this area.

[ChristusG]

Wow, that is just strange!! I'm sorry they are treating you that way....I don't understand why.

[NorthwestMom]

I think you've found a dysfunctional church. If I were you I'd quietly look around for a better fit. What do you have to lose?

 

This must be very painful. I've moved and it was hard, but not hard for FIVE years!

:grouphug:

[TravelingChris]

I am so sorry Holly. I couldn't PM you but maybe you could pm me. AS you can see by my screen name, I am a transient. I move every few years and we are planning on moving for retirement to an area we haven't lived in. I certainly don't want to move to yours.

 

Do you think it is mainly your church or the whole area? Could you check meetup on the internet and see if there are some groups for newcomers where you live?

[Aludlam]

Hi,

 

Where are you located? b/c we like cookies and swimming. :001_smile:

 

 

Angela

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

They are not acting very Christian IMHO. I would find another church;)

[rwjx2khsmj]

:grouphug:

 

We've moved frequently and I've found that a friend is a rare and wonderful thing. A group of friends is something I can't even imagine at this point in my life.

 

We live among neighbors that gather together frequently. While some of our neighbors will come to our home when invited, we are rarely invited to their homes. It's the same for our children. The same is true of our church. We are cordial with all but have true friendships with none. The kids and I attend a weekly bible study, we have a very few friends there. The rest are casual acquaintances.

 

On the other hand, the appearance of being included has nothing to do with finding support and the help those of us living without extended family are hoping for. I'd much rather know the line between friend and acquaintance than think I've made a friend, call on her in need and have her act as if she didn't have a clue why I'd think she'd be willing to help.

 

I've tried to use the actions of others to help my children understand the difference between true friends and acquaintances, how to show true caring to others and the importance of family over friends. I feel for you and your family. This is such a hard thing to go through and I pray that you can find the strength and support you need while building an even stronger family unit.

 

And for any of you that have lived in an area for a period of time, or have a great support system, take a minute to look outside your group and think about someone that you've met recently that you might befriend.

[nmoira]

Are there any other churches?

 

The oldest daughter was not there because she was attending a conference with the other girls from church. No one thought to invite, or mention it, to my daughter.

I'm not Christian, but this would be the deal breaker for me. This is an incredibly hurtful and possibly deliberate exclusion. Were all the other girls there?

[SeekingSimplicity]

I think you've found a dysfunctional church. If I were you I'd quietly look around for a better fit. What do you have to lose?

 

This must be very painful. I've moved and it was hard, but not hard for FIVE years!

:grouphug:

 

 

:grouphug: This is what it sounds like to me too. A church should embrace everyone that comes in and make them feel like a member of the family. Sorry you're going thru this.

[Greta]

I know it can be hard to put down roots in a new place, but shouldn't a church be a help in that regard rather than an obstacle?

 

I have lived here for a long time now, but I recently joined a new church. Despite the fact that *I* am shy and have not stayed for fellowship very often at all, people have really reached out to me. I've just been amazed at the warmth and friendship that has been offered to me so freely. That's what church should be.

 

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I'm glad you won't have to live there long-term. I'm guessing from your description that it's a fairly small town. If you don't have other church options, maybe you and your dh could both sit down with your pastor and his wife and have a more in-depth talk about it?

[Kim in Appalachia]

We have lived in various small towns over the years. While the towns are very family friendly, the truth is most people will only associate with their family. It is very rare to be invited into someone else's home. They don't like coming into your's either. Churches tend to be centered around a few families, and you, the out-of-towner, are forever an outsider.

 

We currently attend a church that is made up of mostly ex-patriots, most of us are from somewhere else. Most of our friends, outside of church, are also from somewhere else or have lived away from here for a time. This has been true in all of the small towns we have lived in; we are friends with those not from the area, or who have lived outside the area for a time.

 

It can feel isolating. It is hard to adjust, and I know in a few of the places we lived, I was burned out after a couple of years. We have worked hard, in our current location, to connect with others. But that means I drive a lot. I have to drive an hour for most events, and that includes attending church. We will never be consider a part of this community, no matter how long we stay. It's sad, but I knew that before we came.

 

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. The people are being rude, but they don't realize it. And I doubt that you could help them see that. You may want to find a new church, one that is more excepting our outsiders.

 

:grouphug:

[rwjx2khsmj]

:grouphug: This is what it sounds like to me too. A church should embrace everyone that comes in and make them feel like a member of the family. Sorry you're going thru this.

 

 

Yeah, they should but it rarely happens and I know I've never been to your church, I'm sure it would be different there.

 

When you church shop, you go in, everyone greets you because you are new but they seldom give you their names or ask yours. I've got a collection of mugs from across the country but I couldn't connect the name of a person with any of those mugs.

 

I can't tell you how many nurseries I've gone to put my children in and the only conversation was that required to follow their procedure. Name tag on the back of the child, who would be picking the child up. No greeting, introduction, smile, questions about me or the kids (other than food allergies and potty habits).

 

I've very rarely had a real conversation with ANYONE in a church unless I initiated it and, to be honest, I rarely do. It's all small talk and polite conversation and it takes place in the hall on the way in or out or over coffee in the four minutes before the kids get restless.

 

For those of you that have a place where church is family, treasure it. Reach out to those that are seeking it because, believe me, we are probably visiting your church looking for it.

[emeraldjoy]

So sorry.

I can identify.

Someone before said, what do you have to lose? I would maybe look elsewhere. three of four years of an investment into something is a lot though. It really is, so I understand that it would be hard to walk away from it.

Again, I am so sorry.

Are you in MOntana....we could totally hang out.....

e

[MomtoCandJ]

I feel your pain, we moved to Georgia 2.5 years ago and still don't have much of a social life either. Only one person showed up for dd's first birthday, that was our neighbor Mr. Edd who is dd's honorary papa. I understand that it was Thanksgiving weekend but most of the people we know didn't go anywhere. We do have dh's step sister who lives 45 minutes away but we might as well have lived 16 hours away back in Michigan for as often as we see her and her boys.

[Laurie4b]

Where are you (which region if you don't want to say specifically)? City, small town, suburbs, rural area? And where were you from? Knowing that may give us some indication of what is underlying this.

 

When I went to college, I had moved from "the north" to "the south" and made some (from their standpoint) major cultural faux pas: I didn't say "Ma'am" or "Sir" to adults, I had no idea there were still resentments of Yankees from the Civil War, I didn't know that when someone asked my preference, for example, of where I wanted to go out to eat that I weren't supposed to say it outright, etc. I mostly hung out with other students from "up north" and puzzled about it. Having now lived here for 3 decades, I *think* I'm pretty bicultural and would in fact have more trouble "up north." Not all the kids from the south were like that and some were willing to educate me, but it is to say that some cultural niches have more "traps" to step in than others and are less accepting of "outsiders." (D*^$#@ Yankees)

[astrid]

They are not acting very Christian IMHO. I would find another church;)

 

Yeah. Seriously.

 

If that's the kind of welcome that you're getting from that group of Christians, well, I'd move on. It's really shameful, IMHO. I'm so sorry you're going through this cruel treatment. And yes, I do think it's cruel. They should be ashamed. It's unfortunate that some people wrap their whole lives up in a church and cannot see what's outside, or even inside, but new.

 

 

astrid (who lives in CT, but would love to share happy events with your family, and whose dd would LOVE someone with whom to go to Starbucks!)

[Sophia]

Can you find another church?

When we moved from Chicago to Atlanta, we had an instant family at our new church.

I remarked to someone how surprised I was to be taken in so quickly by so many people, and they commented that many of the people in our church had also relocated so they knew what it was like to be the new folks and purposely reached out to other newcomers....there's an idea...any other new families you can befriend?

[kalanamak]

There are places like that. I know someone who moved into her dream house, only to find it was in the midst of a hotbed of snobs.

 

Can you get to know people at work? Join a reading club at the local bookstore? Volunteer at a food bank (you meet some very nice people who volunteer there)? Is there a zoo volunteer program? Or the shelter?

 

I'd give up on the snobs!

[LizzyBee]

We almost moved to NC (from CT). I'm so glad we didn't. I think it would have been hard on me! Reading your post made me chuckle.

 

It's a lot better now than it used to be. We moved here 10 years ago, and people have been very friendly to us. I live in the same region as Laurie4b, and truth be told, there are now more d*** yankees than native Carolinians here. They even have a town named for us, although my family doesn't live there: Cary, Containment Area for Relocated Yankees. :D

Edited January 31, 2010 by LizzyBee

[TN Mama]

Where are you (which region if you don't want to say specifically)? City, small town, suburbs, rural area? And where were you from? Knowing that may give us some indication of what is underlying this.

 

When I went to college, I had moved from "the north" to "the south" and made some (from their standpoint) major cultural faux pas: I didn't say "Ma'am" or "Sir" to adults, I had no idea there were still resentments of Yankees from the Civil War, I didn't know that when someone asked my preference, for example, of where I wanted to go out to eat that I weren't supposed to say it outright, etc. I mostly hung out with other students from "up north" and puzzled about it. Having now lived here for 3 decades, I *think* I'm pretty bicultural and would in fact have more trouble "up north." Not all the kids from the south were like that and some were willing to educate me, but it is to say that some cultural niches have more "traps" to step in than others and are less accepting of "outsiders." (D*^$#@ Yankees)

 

As someone who made the reverse move (south to north), the same was true for me. Instead of the D*^$@ Yankee, it was dumb, redneck southerner. Where we lived, you were only FROM that area if you were born there and while I did have a few great friends it was not an easy transition. I can't count the number of times I heard, "WE won the war!" and I'm talking out of the blue. I was regularly teased for using what I had learned as good manners by saying the ma'ams and sirs. Kids are mean wherever you go. I know my Mom felt like an outsider while we lived there, but it was obviously not as in your face as what I experienced.

 

I hope I've been able to instill in my children that where someone is originally from doesn't make a difference when making friends.

[HollyDay]

You ladies are such an encouragement. I wish the folks who "are from around here" could magically get transplanted to somewhere way up north (or west) to an area they are "not from around here".

 

Unfortunately, we have visited so many churches here. All are like this one. Made up of "legacy" families and groups of people who have been together since the church began.

 

Please keep the words of encouragement coming. I appreciate it and need it very much!!!!

[Laurie4b]

It's a lot better now than it used to be. We moved here 10 years ago, and people have been very friendly to us. I live in the same region as Laurie4b, and truth be told, there are now more d*** yankees than native Carolinians here. They even have a town named for us, although we don't live there: Cary, Containment Area for Relocated Yankees. :D

 

Funny! I had never heard that.

[gardening momma]

HollyDay, can you give us an idea of where you are, geographically?

[Laurie4b]

As someone who made the reverse move (south to north), the same was true for me. Instead of the D*^$@ Yankee, it was dumb, redneck southerner. Where we lived, you were only FROM that area if you were born there and while I did have a few great friends it was not an easy transition. I can't count the number of times I heard, "WE won the war!" and I'm talking out of the blue. I was regularly teased for using what I had learned as good manners by saying the ma'ams and sirs. Kids are mean wherever you go. I know my Mom felt like an outsider while we lived there, but it was obviously not as in your face as what I experienced.

 

I hope I've been able to instill in my children that where someone is originally from doesn't make a difference when making friends.

 

I remember that a "new girl" moved to our middle school from the south and actually got fussed out by a teacher for saying, "Sir." He thought she was being sarcastic! She was eventually accepted into the inner circle, btw. And no one mentioned the Civil War. All we studied was the Revolutionary War until about March, so the rest of American history went by pretty quickly. :tongue_smilie:

[Melinda in VT]

You ladies are such an encouragement. I wish the folks who "are from around here" could magically get transplanted to somewhere way up north (or west) to an area they are "not from around here".

 

Unfortunately, we have visited so many churches here. All are like this one. Made up of "legacy" families and groups of people who have been together since the church began.

 

Please keep the words of encouragement coming. I appreciate it and need it very much!!!!

 

Are there few newcomers or transplants in your area? Or have they just all been driven out of the church?

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

Do you, your DH, or the kids have any hobbies you could dust off? A community theater or orchestra might be a good place to make friends.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

Are there few newcomers or transplants in your area? Or have they just all been driven out of the church?

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

Do you, your DH, or the kids have any hobbies you could dust off? A community theater or orchestra might be a good place to make friends.

 

That sounds like a good ideas:) Have you tried outside of your denomination since it is possible you may find succes there?

[Guest janainaz]

That sounds like an incredibly rude group of ladies. All I can think of is how I would be if I HAD a group I was part of (which I don't) - but I would seek out the new person and make sure that they felt totally welcome. I'd have compassion and understanding at how difficult it is to move and want to make the new person feel at ease. Seriously, there isn't ONE woman in the group that has said, "Hey, let's make sure so-and-so is invited...". The fact that you've invited people over and been open to new friendships and had that unresponsiveness - ridiculous. I can't understand groups of women that act like that. I've had a few of those experiences and it's very frustrating. I'm not sure I'd want to be a part of that group. If I had the patience to try, I'd certainly address the unwelcoming behavior and say a thing or two.

[Laurie4b]

Not in the north or west, from her previous post.

 

Guessing southeast?

[Blue Hen]

((((Holly)))) and anyone else who has lived in such a place. I was in your shoes for 16 long years in Leicester, Massachusetts. It was hard --- on return trips from ANYWHERE to our home I would start crying, uncontrollable about 2hrs from home. I am not one to cry but I did not want to return to such a cold place.

 

When we were finally moving I visited my hairdresser of 16 years. Rose asked me "What has it been like living here as a foreigner?" Yea, 16yrs in the same town and I was seen and treated as a foreigner. I actually found a few friends when we began homeschooling but they weren't interested in maintaining contact once we left the area.

 

At a restaurant I once asked our waitress whether she was from here (I noticed she had a different accent.) She replied: "Oh no! I'm not from around here. I'm from Oxford." We were having dinner in Auburn and Oxford is the next town over! I am so tickled to now be living in an area where folks are friendly, inviting and understand what it is like to not be from around here.

 

I went back this past summer and visited with a college friend who still lives in the area. They have been there since 1979 and have one other couple they are friends with in the area. Talk about a cold place! No thanks, I'm so happy I moved.

 

Carole

Edited January 31, 2010 by Blue Hen
add last paragraph

[HollyDay]

I am on the Gulf Coast. I have lived in several states and big cities and small towns. But, this is the loneliest place ever. I heard someone say that folks here will be friendly, as in "Hi!", "Good Morning!", but they won't be your friend. Okay, I get it. I've just got to figure out how to thrive here for another year. I do have hobbies. Dds are involved in the arts. I like my home. I'm just tired of my own company all the time. However, I do enjoy the company here on the board!

[Karen in CO]

I am from the Gulf Coast - So far in South Alabama that it thinks its Florida - Redneck Riviera. My family was in the area so long that the family tree was more of a vine. After I went away to college then moved back temporarily, I was talking to the guy at an auto shop while waiting to get my tires done. He said to me, "You ain't from around here." I actually replied, "Thanks." before I noticed it. :) Its okay to not be from around there, really. Take it as a compliment. :)

 

eta - Yeah - and most people in small towns in the south really keep within their own family group from what I've known.

Edited January 31, 2010 by Karen in CO

[hillfarm]

I guess I will take a stab at trying to express a dissenting opinion. Although I am not a born and bred local, I am from the same state and married a local. We live in a very rural area where almost all the older people expect a recitation of who "your people" are before they are able to move past the introduction stage. We joke that after we had lived here 6 months, we stopped meeting people who weren't related to people we had already met.

 

I was surprised at how the first churches we visited responded, or rather did not respond to our visit. I was accustomed to churches where we had moved from making a big effort to contact, include, invite, and visit new families. That didn't happen here, and we were half local! But eventually people warmed up to us and we began to fit in and make close friends. The most helpful thing was to find points of contact, where we were working toward the same goals as equals.

 

About 5 years ago, I met a homeschool mom who had just moved here with her family. (So much of what the op has written makes me wonder if she and the op are the same person!) While she was a very nice woman, there were enough cultural differences that I just didn't feel really close to her. Nothing bad, just different enough that I didn't quite know how to take her most of the time.

 

She did invite us to dinner once and swimming once, and we came, but I must confess, I wasn't very relaxed. It is strange how each family has those habits that are so familiar that they become invisible to them but are a bit difficult for others to manage. I did call this person occasionally and still do infrequently, but the fact is that we are very different people. Her outlook on education, church policy, community, and family are very different than mine. To be completely honest, other than both being committed homeschoolers, we have very little else in common. I did make an effort and tried to get closer to this person, but it always felt forced and was not all that comfortable for either of us.

 

I have heard her make some of the same comments regarding her dd being left out of the social scene. Unfortunately, girls are like that. I have many of the same complaints about my dd being left out of various events. I have just had to accept that such is life here in this area and perhaps God wants my dd to be separate from those girls for some reason unbeknownst to me. When I look to see the fruit of their young lives or to see how their older sisters are living, I can't say that theirs is a path I desperately want dd to follow.

 

IMO, the best thing you can do is to find other "imports" and work to make a community with them. If you truly wish to fit in more with the local community, make a sincere (not judgemental) effort to find out what things you are doing differently. Some of those things you may want to change. Others may be non-negotiable and part of who you are. But please remember that friendships need to be easy, not strained or mandated on a schedule. You may need to reevaluate how your actions are coming across to others. You may be sending unconscious messages that are causing a good bit of the social distance.

 

I'm sorry you are feeling so hurt and lonely.

Edited January 31, 2010 by hillfarm

[elegantlion]

Dh's job transfered us almost 5 YEARS ago. We have tried diligently to find a church home, settle into the community, and put down roots. We have invited people over, called the folks we have numbers for, and tried to be friendly and welcoming. To no avail....... We had folks over last night for dinner and games. The oldest daughter was not there because she was attending a conference with the other girls from church. No one thought to invite, or mention it, to my daughter. The girls met at Starbucks last Sunday after church, no one included my dd. There have been numerous bbqs, craftings, etc., that no one thinks to invite us. But, come Sunday, they laugh and talk about how much fun they all had together.

 

I finally mentioned this to the pastor's wife and another lady. They couldn't understand why I was not happy about it because I wasn't part of the core group. Back to last night.....We were told that many families were at the church from the beginning, it will take 3 or 4 years for us to become "a part of things"

 

Homeschool cover (required by law here). . . . .We have a pool. I invited the cover families who live close by to come swimming. No one did. The reason, "it takes a few years to get involved"

 

Meanwhile, life goes on. Birthday parties with no guests. Christmas cookie making with no cookie exchange. Illnesses, crises with no outside support or encouragement. Joyful events with no one to invite. I'm just tired of it!!!

 

So, what do I do? I'm not born and raised here. I won't always live here (for which I 'm beginning to be thankful). How do I make friends, or at least meet folks to spend some time with?

 

I could have written your post, but we've been here 4 years not 5. I've had people ask my name, ask if I am related to so-and-so and then ignore me when I say I'm not. :confused:

 

We actually left the church we were in because after a year there was no more than a weekly handshake and a smile.

[Anne in CA]

Do these people cash your tithe checks??? Then you *do* belong, and should be fully accepted and it's ridiculous that the pastor's wife feels the way she does. Obviously other people take their cue from that. My biggest problem with this behavior is that it reduces church to a social club and takes all spiritual meaning out of it.

 

If you really want to stay with this church I would have your dh have a heart to heart with Mr. Pastor and let him know that he has real problems. The problem extends beyond the hurt feelings of your dd. For goodness sake, if people can't be kind to your dd, then how would they treat a prostitute who needed deliverance??? Of course they would shun such a person. And the question then becomes, do they follow Christ at ALL??

 

The church I belong to spent a lot of money doing a study on how to reach new people who move to our community and make them feel at home. This behavior would not fly in our body of believers because we want to be relevant to the Kingdom of God. We want to love people and serve them and their children. My pastor goes out to the playground at our church to talk to the neighborhood kids who use it and get to know them. I have to say that I don't get your church at all.

 

Okay, now I feel better. I'm sorry about your pain, there is NO excuse for this sort of behavior.

[elise1mds]

While I can accept that a "community" might have a hard time accepting "newcomers" (I've been in my house 7 1/2 years, and it's still referred to in the neighborhood as the Fisher house), a church shouldn't do that. I'd be hunting.

[lllll]

The parts about the North/South differences reminded me of something amusing I learned from a native NC girl when I worked at the UNC-CH dental school years ago. She and I had several bosses, and one of them was a transplanted, New York City Jewish dentist. I was only 23yo and totally oblivious, generally. So she took it upon herself to 'educate' me (I'm from the South, btw.).

 

Anyway, she explained to me that the NYC guy misinterpreted the friendliness of Southerners. He thought they were all wanting to be his friend, or something like that. She had to explain to him that Southerners are taught 'manners', and that he was mistaking this for something else - he should just view it as politeness and keep going.

 

If you (OP) are on the Gulf Coast, however, you're deep into big-time Southern Belle territory. :ack2: Sounds like you just landed in a big, ole nest of 'em. ;) Here are a couple of examples. When I was a teen, one of my cousins was a Southern Belle in training. She took charm courses, made sure she hung out with only other Southern Belles, wore the 'right' clothes, dyed her hair blonde and 'fixed' it every day, and totally snubbed me because I was a "hick" (from SC) when we went down to LA to visit all the relatives. Another cousin, who NEVER left the house without full makeup, was teasing me when I told her I was moving to NC, "Oh, you're moving up North. You're gonna be a Yankee." :blink::confused:

 

Anyway, maybe you should find some good ole rednecks and you might have a little more luck. Least, that's what I would do. :D

[hillfarm]

Do these people cash your tithe checks??? Then you *do* belong, and should be fully accepted and it's ridiculous that the pastor's wife feels the way she does. Obviously other people take their cue from that. My biggest problem with this behavior is that it reduces church to a social club and takes all spiritual meaning out of it.

 

 

I'd like to take a moment to gently add here that a church is not a friend vending machine. Nor is the tithe a prepayment to cover acceptance within the church body. If you expect to get anything back from it, then it is not a tithe. Several years ago I did a very intensive study on the purpose of a church. The bottom line is that it is a place to go to corporately worship God. It is not Biblical to go there expecting to be spiritually fed, befriended, or in any other way salve our emotions. Granted (and thankfully) those things are often blessed side effects of the main purpose of the church, but it is not designed to be a social support for members.

 

If you don't feel the church you are attending is a good fit, then by all means try a different one. We are currently visiting other churches because dh feels called to find one with a stronger youth program for dd as she approaches her teens. Just because a particular church does not meet your needs does not mean they are doing something wrong. It just means that you need to look elsewhere.

 

Blaming everyone else may be correct. And it certainly may be satisfying. But it will not solve your problem. IMO, it would be best to focus on solutions rather than blame. You can be right, or you can be happy. Only you can choose which you will pursue.

[Pajama Mama]

Do you perhaps live in Stepford? I remember the movie and when the new families would be excluded until the wives were assimilated. Maybe you are safer away from them:D

 

Seriously though, I think finding a different church or group is needed. If the church leaders aren't understanding of your feelings then things won't change. You've been there 5 yrs and you still aren't included?!? They are not very nice people in my opinion. No, you don't need to be invited to every single thing. But excluding you from every event does seem intentional. I thought cliques ended with high school. Sheesh.

[coffeefreak]

Dh's job transfered us almost 5 YEARS ago. We have tried diligently to find a church home, settle into the community, and put down roots. We have invited people over, called the folks we have numbers for, and tried to be friendly and welcoming. To no avail....... We had folks over last night for dinner and games. The oldest daughter was not there because she was attending a conference with the other girls from church. No one thought to invite, or mention it, to my daughter. The girls met at Starbucks last Sunday after church, no one included my dd. There have been numerous bbqs, craftings, etc., that no one thinks to invite us. But, come Sunday, they laugh and talk about how much fun they all had together.

 

I finally mentioned this to the pastor's wife and another lady. They couldn't understand why I was not happy about it because I wasn't part of the core group. Back to last night.....We were told that many families were at the church from the beginning, it will take 3 or 4 years for us to become "a part of things"

 

Homeschool cover (required by law here). . . . .We have a pool. I invited the cover families who live close by to come swimming. No one did. The reason, "it takes a few years to get involved"

 

Meanwhile, life goes on. Birthday parties with no guests. Christmas cookie making with no cookie exchange. Illnesses, crises with no outside support or encouragement. Joyful events with no one to invite. I'm just tired of it!!!

 

So, what do I do? I'm not born and raised here. I won't always live here (for which I 'm beginning to be thankful). How do I make friends, or at least meet folks to spend some time with?

 

:grouphug:

That's how I was treated in high school. I'm an Army Brat and had never lived in a state that was so hostile. I don't want to offend anyone so I won't mention where it was, but it was hell on earth. I never go back to visit and I love where I live now. Very welcoming, very live and let live. Everyone is a transplant. On another note, maybe you should try to find a new church. You might find people who are more like you and your kids.

:grouphug:

 

Blessings!

Dorinda

[lovemyboys]

If that's the kind of welcome that you're getting from that group of Christians, well, I'd move on. It's really shameful, IMHO.

.......

It's unfortunate that some people wrap their whole lives up in a church and cannot see what's outside, or even inside, but new.

 

 

I agree. But I think this happens in all kinds of groups that become too insular.

 

We experienced this with some homeschoolers when we moved to a new area. There was a lot of "talk" about how open and welcoming the group was for newcomers, but the children made little effort to include new kids and my dc are pretty outgoing. Especially surprising with boys.

 

The "core" moms would talk but would often sit all together at one picnic table or in a small group. The rest of the newcomers were left to kind of bounce around and make small talk, maybe hit on a connection. The "core" moms just didn't bother to say much beyond a brief introduction. The next week, you were on your own.

 

It was really odd and off-putting. The funniest part of it -- I'm sure they didn't see themselves like this.

 

For OP, are there any activities that you're in outside of your church groups that might have friend opportunities? I would quit banging my head against the wall with this group (led by the pastor/family) who are not making any moves on your behalf. Other homeschoolers, sports team members, activities that you can start making some contacts with? Since you're Christian, any awanas or BSF programs or homeschool groups in area churches?

 

:grouphug: This is tough to always be the one reaching out in an area where others have family, old friendships, and long associations to keep busy with. Hope you'll see some areas soon that will offer some friend potential.

 

 

:001_smile:

[Jean in Newcastle]

The most helpful thing was to find points of contact, where we were working toward the same goals as equals.

 

About 5 years ago, I met a homeschool mom who had just moved here with her family. (So much of what the op has written makes me wonder if she and the op are the same person!) While she was a very nice woman, there were enough cultural differences that I just didn't feel really close to her. Nothing bad, just different enough that I didn't quite know how to take her most of the time.

 

She did invite us to dinner once and swimming once, and we came, but I must confess, I wasn't very relaxed. It is strange how each family has those habits that are so familiar that they become invisible to them but are a bit difficult for others to manage. I did call this person occasionally and still do infrequently, but the fact is that we are very different people. Her outlook on education, church policy, community, and family are very different than mine. To be completely honest, other than both being committed homeschoolers, we have very little else in common. I did make an effort and tried to get closer to this person, but it always felt forced and was not all that comfortable for either of us.

 

I have heard her make some of the same comments regarding her dd being left out of the social scene. Unfortunately, girls are like that. I have many of the same complaints about my dd being left out of various events. I have just had to accept that such is life here in this area and perhaps God wants my dd to be separate from those girls for some reason unbeknownst to me. When I look to see the fruit of their young lives or to see how their older sisters are living, I can't say that theirs is a path I desperately want dd to follow.

 

IMO, the best thing you can do is to find other "imports" and work to make a community with them. If you truly wish to fit in more with the local community, make a sincere (not judgemental) effort to find out what things you are doing differently. Some of those things you may want to change. Others may be non-negotiable and part of who you are. But please remember that friendships need to be easy, not strained or mandated on a schedule. You may need to reevaluate how your actions are coming across to others. You may be sending unconscious messages that are causing a good bit of the social distance.

 

I'm sorry you are feeling so hurt and lonely.

 

I'd like to take a moment to gently add here that a church is not a friend vending machine. Nor is the tithe a prepayment to cover acceptance within the church body. If you expect to get anything back from it, then it is not a tithe. Several years ago I did a very intensive study on the purpose of a church. The bottom line is that it is a place to go to corporately worship God. It is not Biblical to go there expecting to be spiritually fed, befriended, or in any other way salve our emotions. Granted (and thankfully) those things are often blessed side effects of the main purpose of the church, but it is not designed to be a social support for members.

 

If you don't feel the church you are attending is a good fit, then by all means try a different one. We are currently visiting other churches because dh feels called to find one with a stronger youth program for dd as she approaches her teens. Just because a particular church does not meet your needs does not mean they are doing something wrong. It just means that you need to look elsewhere.

 

Blaming everyone else may be correct. And it certainly may be satisfying. But it will not solve your problem. IMO, it would be best to focus on solutions rather than blame. You can be right, or you can be happy. Only you can choose which you will pursue.

 

Yes the main purpose of church is a place to go worship God. But I disagree with you that that would not include being spiritually fed as a main component of worship. Worship is not just praising of God but we "worship God in spirit and truth". (John 4:24). I believe that learning God's Truth is an essential part of worship. I also believe that God called us to assemble together in order to be a corporate body of believers that encourage each other and uphold each other in love. There are so many verses in the Bible (esp. John's epistles) on love for one another. You should automatically have a common goal as equals in a church if you are both believers. You should expect to be treated in love as someone who shares the image of God (as all human beings do whether believers or not in Christianity). And you should expect to be treated in love as a fellow Christian who shares a unity in Christ. That is what you have in common. Yes, you may have different educational philosophies, different hobbies and likes and dislikes but in the church, that should not matter.

 

Now, I do believe that there are different shades of love. While we are called to love others, to welcome and to truly care about them, we are not called to be best friends with everyone who crosses our path. That calls for a bit of discernment.

[Lisa R.]

I think the situation that the OP is referring to most often happens in communities that are not very transient. Communities where people have lived for several generations tend not to be as welcoming, generally speaking, that places where people move in and out.

 

It sounds to me as if you've landed in a place where people have not had the benefit of living in different places. Moving around is a pain, but it also opens one's eyes to the different cultures that exist even within the country.

 

The situation you are sharing is similar to a friend's. She was hospitable and friendly. People would come over when invited but never reciprocate. They already had their established friends and still lived near their relatives. Communities like this sound great, but it's hard when you move into this.

 

Are you near a larger city? These tend to have people that have moved around some and may provide better opportunities. It you're not too far from a large city, it may be worth trying.

[justamouse]

and where is this place? good grief. you have my sympathies...if they are christians...i'm sort of speechless. sorry to hear you're having such a tough time.

 

Ditto. :iagree:

 

I'd be searching for the next place.

 

Editing to add that new testament Christians were known by their hospitality to strangers. Period.

[Audrey]

I can sympathize. I've been here 15+ years now and I'm still an "outsider."

 

Funny thing is, in the past 5 years, there have been a lot of "outsiders" moving in to our area because of the low cost of living. The "families of name" are in such a tizzy -- afraid they'll be outnumbered soon!

[AFwife Claire]

Yes, this is why I have told my dh I never want to live in an area that doesn't have a military base close by! People who move around a lot generally tend to be more open to the world around them, and more accepting of newcomers, than people who have always and forever been a part of their small community.

 

That said, I do think people in the South have more issues with this, even with military bases nearby. We have very good friends who were stationed in Florida on the Gulf Coast, and they were never able to break into the ranks of their church either. Fortunately, they were able to move away after 3 years, and they certainly never looked back!

[Laurie4b]

I think the situation that the OP is referring to most often happens in communities that are not very transient. Communities where people have lived for several generations tend not to be as welcoming, generally speaking, that places where people move in and out. .

 

Excellent point and probably the core of it all.