Would you quit your job no matter what your DH thought?

[melissel]

Some of you may remember me posting about all of this before, but I feel like I'm at a crossroads now. I cannot stand my job. From the outside in, it seems like a great deal, but I feel like I'm drowning on a daily basis. I'm crying at the drop of a hat. The expectations at my job are very high, and they were raised again today (as in, I was given more work to do). I cannot meet them and be even close to the mother I want to be, because I'm so unhappy and angry much of the time. I work 30 hours a week now, though it really ends up being more because I have such a hard time focusing on this job that I do not want to be doing that I end up working more hours to get the work done.

 

DH does not want me to quit. He thinks I can and should suck it up and deal. He doesn't mean that in a negative way, but in a practical one. He's afraid of being the sole provider, which I completely understand. But in the meantime, I'm afraid for my sanity and am heartbroken that other people are raising my kids. My mom and close friend (sitter) and the preschool teachers are out there doing fun things with the girls, experiencing life, taking pictures, etc. while I'm home doing schoolwork (barely) and yelling at them :(

 

Based on the last few years and projections (sales waiting to close) for the coming year, we should be fine. He's afraid to commit to this though. My job provides a safety net that he's reluctant to give up. However, it's a few weeks away from putting me on antidepressants. He also doesn't seem to see how several of his (very valid) complaints about our marriage are directly related to my working.

 

I know I'm rambling. DH and the kids are in the next room and I'm trying not to break down entirely. Ultimately, my question is, in this situation, would you feel confident in stepping up to the plate and saying that you'd made the decision that working was no longer beneficial to your family or your own health, and that you had to quit?

 

TIA :(

 

ETA that I am not Christian and we don't operate on a DH-as-the-head-of-household model (and he has no desire to), so that doesn't factor in. He'd also rather see me quit HSing before I quit my job, but that still leaves me in a job I despise. Plus, DD is strongly resistant to the idea of school, and I'm strongly resistant to the idea of putting her there.

Edited October 7, 2009 by melissel

[Hillary in KS]

I think that if my husband were as strongly opposed to my quitting work as yours is, I would not do it.

 

However, I *would* try to find another job. Once I'm hired somewhere, then I'd give notice for the first job.

 

But, were I a working mom, I would also spend a lot of time praying for either my husband's change of heart... or mine. I *am* a Christian, and that, of course, factors into what I would do.

[sunshine]

In February of 1997, I walked into the house and saw my son and husband sitting in front of the TV at 8pm. I had been to dinner with a client and closed a sale. I was realtor. Making about 30,000 a year. I walked in and asked how they were and he said "hungry". I asked why they had not eaten dinner yet and the husband said "we were waiting for you to get here to fix it". He knew I was going to dinner. That was the last straw. No one did my work while I was at work. So I looked at him and said "I quit". I never looked back and within a year he was proudly saying he supported a wife and child and he didn't want his wife to work. His fear of being the sole supporter was overided by his feeling of accomplishment by being the sole supporter.

If your job is somewhere you hate to go, then don't. It will never be worth it. No amount of money in the world or comfort to a fearful husband will equal these precious days with your children. Your income will adjust. coupons, selling curriculum online, garage sales, etc. can give you some mad money. I would never, unless my children were homeless and starving subject myself willingly to that kind of misery.

[Donna T.]

Hi, Melissa. I'm so sorry your plate is so full. I can't imagine the pressure you are under. For quite a few years, I have worked very part-time just a little bit on and off. About two years ago, I took on a full-time position with the same employer. I only worked during the evenings and overnight shifts so I could continue to homeschool. I was even able to sleep overnight and get paid for it! It is a job that I very much love and there is practically no pressure at all. Still, I could only do it a year before I was close to exhaustion.

 

I personally would not quit if my husband did not want me to. However, I would feel free to pray that his heart would change in the matter. I would also approach him about other options. Perhaps you could find another job that would help out financially without being so much of a burden on you. I know that doesn't help much when you need immediate relief!

 

Is your husband supportive of homeschooling? If he is he may eventually understand how difficult it would be to continue under your present circumstances. I know my husband's commitment to homeschooling has been a huge factor in how he has made these decisions for our family.

 

Sorry I can't be more helpful.

 

:grouphug:

Edited October 7, 2009 by Donna T.

[melissel]

I think that if my husband were as strongly opposed to my quitting work as yours is, I would not do it.

 

However, I *would* try to find another job. Once I'm hired somewhere, then I'd give notice for the first job.

 

But, were I a working mom, I would also spend a lot of time praying for either my husband's change of heart... or mine. I *am* a Christian, and that, of course, factors into what I would do.

 

I've thought about this, and there are several things that prevent me from doing this. In my field, I'm only paid as highly as I am because of my tenure with the company (which was acquired, so my salary stayed with me). And I work from home. In a new position, I'd be required to work full-time, would not be working from home, would be making less money, and would then also have the added costs of work clothes, lunches, transportation, etc. That would be the end of HSing for us. The girls would then have to go to school now to give me the time needed for job hunting, interviewing, resume adaptation, etc. And in my field...we're a dime a dozen :(

 

Thank you for your thoughts. I do appreciate them. I feel like no one IRL is really hearing me, or has already heard enough, you know?

[4kiddies]

TRuthfully, if it is affecting your mental state like you say it is, then yes, I would. But I wouldn't just quit without sitting down with my dh and outlining all of the reasons for quiting. Also, STOP hiding your tears. Let him know how bad things are and show him how this is affecting you!

[LizzyBee]

If I were that miserable and my dh's income was relatively secure, yes I would. I was there a few years ago, and while I can't quit my job, I did cut my hours. I would cut them more if I could.

[Unicorn.]

TRuthfully, if it is affecting your mental state like you say it is, then yes, I would. But I wouldn't just quit without sitting down with my dh and outlining all of the reasons for quiting. Also, STOP hiding your tears. Let him know how bad things are and show him how this is affecting you!

 

I completely agree. Don't hide it, he needs to see how bad it really is!

 

If your job is somewhere you hate to go, then don't. It will never be worth it. No amount of money in the world or comfort to a fearful husband will equal these precious days with your children. Your income will adjust. coupons, selling curriculum online, garage sales, etc. can give you some mad money. I would never, unless my children were homeless and starving subject myself willingly to that kind of misery.

 

:iagree:I would have already quit, but then, my dh would have already told me to quit if I was miserable. I don't believe in that whole dh is the head of the household stuff either, but my dh will work 3 jobs if he has to, and tell me it's ok to stay at home and eat bon-bons. Even if he didn't feel that way though, I would quit regardless. :grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

At this point I would say that you and your husband need couples' therapy. You're at your breaking point, and stalemated on this. You both have high stress points on this issue. Keeping going as you are will not work, but quitting could up the tension significantly. It's time for therapy.

 

Just make sure your therapist is friendly towards homeschooling, NOT to bias the discussion, but to make sure that this totally valid option stays on the table and is discussed fairly. A therapist who is philosophically opposed will not be able to help you evaluate the options in an even-handed manner. It's got to be someone who understands it as a good option and can help lay out the pros and cons of all the choices on the table, as well as help you and your dh interact and communicate so that no one has to get to their breaking point.

 

:grouphug:

[kaylk in tx]

and did, though things weren't as bad as your situation. i was a ps teacher and after the twins were born, i was only clearing about $200/month after paying childcare, transportation, etc.... totally NOT worth the stress. so i told him i was done. every so often he brings up the subject but i just look at him and say "why? you've still got a job." plus the fact that his salary has more than doubled in the 7 years since i stopped working for pay. me going back to work is just not.gonna.happen.

[kpupg]

I'm crying at the drop of a hat. .

 

This is not normal. Something's gotta give. You need to take action, one way or another. :grouphug:

Karen

[kindermommy]

Some of you may remember me posting about all of this before, but I feel like I'm at a crossroads now. I cannot stand my job. From the outside in, it seems like a great deal, but I feel like I'm drowning on a daily basis. I'm crying at the drop of a hat. The expectations at my job are very high, and they were raised again today (as in, I was given more work to do). I cannot meet them and be even close to the mother I want to be, because I'm so unhappy and angry much of the time. I work 30 hours a week now, though it really ends up being more because I have such a hard time focusing on this job that I do not want to be doing that I end up working more hours to get the work done.

 

DH does not want me to quit. He thinks I can and should suck it up and deal. He doesn't mean that in a negative way, but in a practical one. He's afraid of being the sole provider, which I completely understand. But in the meantime, I'm afraid for my sanity and am heartbroken that other people are raising my kids. My mom and close friend (sitter) and the preschool teachers are out there doing fun things with the girls, experiencing life, taking pictures, etc. while I'm home doing schoolwork (barely) and yelling at them :(

 

Based on the last few years and projections (sales waiting to close) for the coming year, we should be fine. He's afraid to commit to this though. My job provides a safety net that he's reluctant to give up. However, it's a few weeks away from putting me on antidepressants. He also doesn't seem to see how several of his (very valid) complaints about our marriage are directly related to my working.

 

I know I'm rambling. DH and the kids are in the next room and I'm trying not to break down entirely. Ultimately, my question is, in this situation, would you feel confident in stepping up to the plate and saying that you'd made the decision that working was no longer beneficial to your family or your own health, and that you had to quit?

 

TIA :(

 

ETA that I am not Christian and we don't operate on a DH-as-the-head-of-household model (and he has no desire to), so that doesn't factor in. He'd also rather see me quit HSing before I quit my job, but that still leaves me in a job I despise. Plus, DD is strongly resistant to the idea of school, and I'm strongly resistant to the idea of putting her there.

 

This was me 2 years ago *exactly* - drowning, crying, and yelling. I hated who I was turning into because of the unhappiness of my job. It was the hardest time of my life (other than the severe PPDepression after DD)

 

The only difference was that I actually liked my job (gifted and talented elementary public school teacher!!). But I had a long commute, the daycare pickup took forever, constant meetings after school made me even later and I was always bringing work home. I felt like a robot who never saw her family, let alone spent *any* quality time with them. I also came home to more work with my husband's business (I did the books). DH was great about helping around the house, grocery shopping, etc, but it was still too much.

 

So the next year, I decided to cut my hours in half, but it meant I had to take a position TOTALLY outside my realm of comfort (PPCD in a daycare setting, but still for the public school system). It sounded perfect - half my salary, but less than half daycare costs, full benefits, etc. I was off every day at 11:30 and even worked at the daycare my kids went to, so I could see them periodically throughout the morning. I envisioned us leaving the DC at 11:30 and frolicking at the park, zoo, running errands, having time *together*.

 

Well, the job was miserable (nothing to do with the kids I worked with - it was the system, setting and me). I cried every*single* day. By November of that school year I was begging DH to quit. But we had just bought a new house and he was not ready to let go of my salary totally. Of course he never looked at the bills, or knew what he actually brought in each month (since I handled all his business books and such). But he was still against it because it simply meant less money and I am sure that scared him.

 

By December 1st I knew that if I continued in that job it would be the end of me. It was that serious. I finally went to DH one day and said that I was going to quit - and if it meant mowing lawns or cleaning houses to earn money, I was willing to do it. (not that there is ANYTHING wrong with mowing or cleaning, it's just it would be VERY different than what I was doing then!)

 

I left at Christmas Break and I cannot tell you the HUGE relief it was. I still had some guilt with quitting and not knowing how I was going to earn money, but living with the guilt was less of a burden than staying in that job. I kept thinking, if my DH was *this* miserable doing something, I would do anything I had to to relieve him of that misery. So darn it, he should feel the same way if we were true partners in life!!!! I think he just couldn't tell the seriousness of it before - I mean, I am kind of dramatic IRL, so he probably has to stand firm more than the normal hubby on things LOL :)

 

Anyway, I got my Real Estate License and decided we were going to homeschool (at that point, after all I had been through, the HS part was non-negotiable - I would have fought to the death on that one - I knew too much of what went on behind the doors of PS). I was busy that next year with both RE and HS and made NOTHING. But you know what, we survived - we tightened our belt (it was amazing how much money I was spending (wasting) when I was working) and we did just fine. This year my Real Estate has picked up and while I won't say it's been easy, the ability to have some control over how much I work and when, is so much better than before. And I've made more this year already than I would have made all year at the p/t teaching job - and I've also successfully homeschooled both kids and enjoyed SO MUCH family time together.

 

I won't say "just do it" -I don't want it to sound like I was encouraging you to "not care" about or dismiss your husband's feelings or wishes. But I do think you already know what point you are at. Seriously - I could have written your post the day before I told DH that while I loved him immensely, and cared more than anything about what HE thought of me (I was terrified of disappointing him or letting him down) , I just could not take it one more day. He must have "gotten it" because I did QUIT - and he didn't complain or hound me about it and he certainly didn't try to stop me. A breaking point is a breaking point. It was a rough rough road for me to get there, but when I did I knew it was it. I just did not want to miserably work away my kids childhoods!

 

Anyway, I do seriously know EXACTLY how you feel. It sounds as if financially it won't be as if you can't put food on the table, so you could give it a try? I know you are worried about losing that job b/c you work from home, etc, but it may be worth the leap anyway - you can't live so unhappy!

 

Good luck and PM if you ever want to talk!!!!!

[kalanamak]

I've thought about this, and there are several things that prevent me from doing this. In my field, I'm only paid as highly as I am because of my tenure with the company (which was acquired, so my salary stayed with me).

 

I'd look for another job, even if it paid significantly less. I've had jobs that were worse than being dead. I'd sit down and honestly tell him you can't do it (not that you won't or that you'd rather not, but that you can't).

 

I know that sole provider anxiety. I'm one. But unless things are very shaky, I'd quit. Millions of people are sole providers and do get up in the morning and function.

 

:grouphug:

[Susie in CA]

Yes, I would. I have to say, though, that I can't even remotely imagine my husband telling me to 'suck' it up. It's just not how he operates.

 

Susie

[melissel]

Why are you trying not to break down? By doing so you are protecting him from the consequences of not believing that you are at your limits.

 

If my dh said absolutely that I couldn't quit after a very frank conversation (or two) then I wouldn't quit but I surely wouldn't be protecting him from the consequences of his choice.

 

My frank conversation would include letting him know that I was going to have to start taking medication, that the kids were suffering, that I was miserable I and thought he should just suck it up and deal with being the sole provider. I would also outline the benefits of a calm and happy wife on our marriage and life in general.

 

Thank you all. I'm crying again after reading your kind responses. I don't have time to post much now, but I'm trying not to melt down mainly because of the girls. I don't want to scare them! I also know that DH feels guilty that he can't be the might provider, and I hate that he feels that way :( And yet...

 

We've had many, many talks about this, discussed meds, kids suffering from my not being able to be present with them (watching too much TV, not learning things like cleaning up, attitude adjustments, etc.--things that drive him crazy!), a happier wife means a happier husband, etc. He agrees, but can't commit.

[Mom0012]

At a minimum, considering your husband has a good paying job, I think you are entitled to quit the job you have and find something you don't hate whatever the pay. Does your husband help equally with the house and the kids? If not, then I would cut back to working 20 hours at week at something like LiveOps even if it only paid a fraction of what I was making before.

 

Another option would be approaching the company you are currently working for and trying to get your hours reduced. You never know if you don't ask.

 

Lisa

[melissel]

Another option would be approaching the company you are currently working for and trying to get your hours reduced. You never know if you don't ask.

 

I'm already lower than anyone in the department. And if I were to go lower, I'd be expected to keep my current workload. It just happened to someone else in the dept. Anyway, it's the work more than the hours. I was already very unhappy and looking for a way out in my old job. I'd told DH that if was laid off with the acquisition, I was not going back to work for awhile. Instead, I was brought over, and the workload, accountability, expectations, training (oh, the training!), technical requirements etc. increased exponentially. If I was in a different place in my career, or even wanted a career, it would be a great job. Right now, it's one of the circles of hell :(

[babysparkler]

I owned an online dollhouse shop a whole year longer than I wanted to b/c dh didn't want me to close. The moment he agreed to it, my store closing sale began. I believe that this was something we both needed to agree on and it just took him longer to get there.

[melissel]

I owned an online dollhouse shop a whole year longer than I wanted to b/c dh didn't want me to close. The moment he agreed to it, my store closing sale began. I believe that this was something we both needed to agree on and it just took him longer to get there.

 

The original plan was that I would quit before DD7 was ready for kindergarten. I've lost hope that he's going to get there on his own. I'm not even exaggerating.

 

I love the man. I do. I'm not bashing him in anyway, because I know how scared he must be, and how devastated I would feel if I quit and 2 months later, something horrible happened and we lost the house or something. But we have 5 months of expenses in the bank, and in the past two years he's made more than enough to support us. Childcare is costing us $1200 a month right now, not to mention how much we spend eating out, spending on conveniences, and soon, spending on doctors and medicines if I have to resort to antidepressants. And he wants his days off back too--he doesn't want to be taking care of the kids on his only two days off each week. He gets no time to himself, no time to go to the gym, etc. Our quality of life is terrible :( Doesn't someone have to step in make a decision at some point and make a call? That's what I'm struggling with. Do we keep living this way out of fear, or do we take a bold and scary step toward a better life for all four of us, better parenting, a better marriage?

[melissel]

Yes, I would. I have to say, though, that I can't even remotely imagine my husband telling me to 'suck' it up. It's just not how he operates.

 

Susie

 

I'm sorry, "suck it up" is me paraphrasing. He would never! I just meant that that's the general sentiment -- you'll just have to do what you have to do because we need the money. But he never used the phrase "suck it up."

[Impish]

I agree with counseling. Personally, I wouldn't up and quit because I think it would make for huge resentment on the part of your spouse. Wolf came home when I was pregnant with Princess, and announced he had quit a job he hated. I was furious that he didn't talk it through with me, etc. Its not something that effects only you, but the entire family, either because of finances, or how you're feeling right now. Are there any other work at home jobs you could pursue, even just to keep some sort of income?

[melissel]

At this point I would say that you and your husband need couples' therapy.

 

You are probably right, but then that's more time that we simply don't have these days. And what are the odds that I could find one supportive of HSing? I've seen a few in the past who haven't even been supportive of breastfeeding, and who thought I was too involved with the kid(s) and not involved enough in my marriage. I'd LOVE to be more involved in my marriage! At the time I was working full-time and trying to be the SAHM I truly wanted to be as well.

[amy g.]

When we got engaged, we agreed that I would quit work as soon as we had children. When I was 8 months pregnant with my oldest, Dh's company closed, and he did not know where he would get another job.

 

He approached me about continuing to work just until he was employed again. I told him that I had faith in him to do his best, and I would happily live in the car with my newborn before I would be separated from her.

 

It turns out that he was such a good worker that another company approached him about a job before he ever sent out a resume. He has had to make different career choices than he would have if we had both been employed all of these years, but we have made it work out well for everyone.

 

If I had left my baby for a job, I would have hated him for breaking our agreement. That couldn't be good for our relationship. Just last night he asked me if I thought we were lucky or if I thought we just try harder, because we are the happiest people he knows.

 

We must be doing something right!

[Rosy]

Honestly? Every marriage is different, but I probably would just quit without his consent. And I actually do believe in the husband being head of the home and submission and all that good stuff. But at this point, you are financially prepared for a change. The benefits of quitting clearly outweigh the benefits of working. Your husband is being irrational and is letting his fears control him (and you). And I don't mean that judgmentally, we all do it at times.

 

But my husband is the kind where I can pull stuff like that and he'll think about it and realize that I was right. And I rarely do stuff like that. I just think some guys need a nudge.

 

Dr. Laura's book In Praise of Stay at Home Moms has a section on what to do if the dad is unwilling--it might give you some encouragement on what to say and how to say it.

[Stacy in NJ]

You need to recalibrate. Is there any way to reduce your responsibilies at home or work? Can you hire a cleaning person or additional home helper? Can you discuss a reduction of hours with your employer? Perhaps a more part-time situation?

 

It is a matter of priorites. If homeschooling is your primarly priority, then you need to find a way to reduce your other commitments to make time and space for it. If work is your primary priority then other schooling options may be necessary. If you and your dh disagree about your family's priorities then you need to have several serious conversations to reconcile this issue.

 

Best wishes.

[LauraGB]

Melissa, at the end of the day, we've all only got this one life. If you are living yours expecting to need pharmeceutical assistance to get you through each day, something's got to give. Children learn from thier parents ((gently))- it would be hard to know your children may think that is what being a grown up is all about.

 

It sounds as though you are in a more fortunate situation than many because your family can survive comfortably on one income.

 

A couple thoughts would be:

 

- to discuss an "end" plan - let dh know this isn't making you happy and you feel it is necessary to quit. Then suggest you both decide together on an end date and agree upon a time frame. You bank your income to add to the net so he is more comfortable, and then YOU have a light at the end of the tunnel to get you through until that end date.

 

- Another idea is to look at starting your own business, one you can work from home, one that maybe your dc can help with (very educational!). Maybe it won't replace your income right away (or maybe even never), but its still something that allows you to contribute. And it doesn't have to be something you hate - it can be doing whatever you like to do.

 

- Do the finances on paper. Show dh all the $ he would save by you being home; child care, take out dinners, etc. See how much of your income actually goes to those things.

 

Just some suggestions.

 

Its tough, though, and I'm sorry you have to deal with making this decision and that your job is making you sick. I hope your dh comes around and sees what its doing to you and the benefit of your quitting.:grouphug:

Edited October 7, 2009 by LauraGB

[stansclan89]

I would very calmly (not emotionally) show him how we can afford for me to quit, give all reasons why I should quit, and that I am going to quit. It is no longer a discussion. And then do it.

 

I might offer to find another job if we can't live on his income, and if our savings were depleted. But not until we are at that point.

 

This is just how I would handle it after everything you have said about the situation.

[justamouse]

Wow, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

I agree with the therapy, but since you answered you can't, I would sit down one last time and say I have to quit. You are not destitute, and this will mean less $ coming in, but if it won't put the family in a precarious position, then it's something that you need to do for your sanity.

 

Your posts are heartbreaking. They are. And I know that frustration and anger and hurt, my chest was hurting just reading how upset you are.

 

My honest thought in this is that there are companies out there now who are putting their workers over the barrel because THEY CAN. Because they know that people are SO terrified of NOT having a job they will work harder, longer, with less out of fear.

 

I have a friend who keeps getting piled on at work. They fire another guy higher on the totem pole and he's the one that gets all their work and none of their pay. His benefits have been cut, his pay has been increased and his hours are now backbreaking. They know he has to stay and they are slowing killing him for that weakness. His wife figured it out-he is making 4% LESS than he was when he was first hired.

 

So, if you can not be the whipping boy, I say make the jump. They are scary. They are. No two ways about it. We were there once, and we've done it. It's a sacrifice, but it's one that pays off more than you taking medication so you aren't having a nervous breakdown. No check is worth that.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[DawnM]

I just don't think I could do it. It isn't about head of household, it is about respect to me. I wouldn't want DH to just quit without consulting me and if I were strongly opposed to it I would be very hurt and upset if he did it anyway. I feel we are a team and need to make decisions together.

 

Dawn

[Cera]

Nope, because it wouldn't be acceptable to me if my husband walked into the house one afternoon and let me know he had quit his job. I would think that if you quit when he has asked you not to you will just be exchanging the marital issues caused by your stress for marital issues caused by his stress.

 

Have you taken the time to write out a budget, both current and projected if you were at home? If he can see what your finances look like in black and white he might be more comfortable with the idea.

 

Also, could you try living without your income for a 3-6 month trial period? Keep out the money for any expenses you incur as a direct result of working (so daycare but not lunch, since you would eat anyway, etc) and then bank the rest. At the end of the trial you can sit down and discuss how it went and address any concerns he might have then feel free to give notice with a clear conscience.

[Nicole M]

At this point I would say that you and your husband need couples' therapy. You're at your breaking point, and stalemated on this. You both have high stress points on this issue. Keeping going as you are will not work, but quitting could up the tension significantly. It's time for therapy.

:grouphug:

 

I agree with this. Sometimes with my spouse, he really can't hear me. When I have had serious issues, and mentioned that I thought we needed to see a counselor, that would wake him up. It could be that if you mention a need for outside help, your husband would "get it" that you really are miserable. I suspect you appear so strong that he does not fully understand your misery.

 

I'm so sorry. I have a very stressful job, too, and have had entire years of suffering. It's gotten better, but if I could do it over, well, I would not do it.

[Blueridge]

I haven't yet read all your responses, but I asked my husband what he thought...and said that you should tell your hubby (respectfully) that you are going to quit this exhausting, frustrating job, and stay home with your children. He also added that if your dh was having trouble with that decision, HE should suck it up and deal. :D

[PollyOR]

Melissa said she has talked with her DH about this numerous times. I think that she has consulted with him.

 

If she doesn't have time to cook dinner and be with her kids, where is she going to find time to go to counseling? That will just add one more thing to her plate which will equal more stress.

 

Melissa, going to the doctor and getting pills will take more time and more money. I know. My 14yo has been on this road for a year and a half now. In the beginning it was a weekly therapy appointment and going to the doctor every other week. Taking her to the doctor for her meds and therapy became my part time job. It has taken over a year of tweaking for her doctors to get her medication almost right. I say "almost" because it will never be perfect. As my mom told me, these are NOT happy pills. (My mom retired early due to depression.)

 

If you are depressed and need medication, I'm all for getting help. I'm not for using medication as a band-aid just so you can keep doing something (work) you may not need to do.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[shusband]

It sounds like life is also uncomfortable for him and that he may get there on his own - which would be much better than you forcing it. I would

 

1. Have an unemotional, well thought out discussion with him. Do your homework with the finances. Give him a list of reasons why the current situation is not working (maybe even keep track of where your hours go during the day so he gets a real picture of how much work it is). Help him understand that you are not just being emotional at certain times when you're tired but that this is a legitimate and reasonable response to your lifestyle.

 

2. Do not protect him from your valid stress at other times. Don't be melodramatic but don't be afraid to let him see the result of this much work.

 

3. Make it more his problem. Shift more of the household responsibilities to him - if you are going to continue to work and homeschool, then maybe the laundry or dinner or dishes need to be taken off your list and put onto his. When you are working and he has the kids you need for certain things to happen - maybe some of their school or chores and the tv limits that are in place when you have them (and aren't working at the same time).

 

4. Let him know how it makes you feel for him to not encourage you to quit given the circumstances. (I may be projecting myself onto you here). I would feel unprotected and uncared for if dh did not push for me to quit if I were this strung out. He may not understand how that makes you feel.

 

I may be writing this same email in 6 months. I've been working part time since we had kids. When our first was born, I worked w/o affecting dh at all - did it all while ds was asleep. After ds2, I started needing his help with the kids. He would keep them in the early mornings while I worked. After ds3 he helped even more with kids. We just started homeschool a month ago, and now just keeping the kids isn't enough. I need him to be me while I work. He has to do my morning stuff on the days I work. Even with all of that, I think it's going to be too much for me. We have another baby on the way in December. I'm going to take 6 months off, so I don't want to quit yet - may as well take that time to think through it and be sure. I also really want him to get there first. We'll see.

 

Anyway, I hope something changes very soon.

 

Summer

ds6, ds4, ds2, ds#4 arriving in Dec.

[Garga]

What would happen if you just stopped working so hard...and they fired you?

[melissel]

What would happen if you just stopped working so hard...and they fired you?

 

Oh, they wouldn't fire me for quite awhile. They would work with me, rehabilitate me. There would be more phone calls, more training, more "check-ins." Plus...I just can't. I just can't not care, slack off. I've tried. I've let my editing slide, forgotten things, missed soft deadlines (hey, all today, in fact!). However, more work keeps getting added to my plate, because I still, after 10 months, still haven't learned all the new report types (and these last two...they're painful). And in the end, I care too much about my professional reputation. I don't want to burn these bridges. I may need the references someday.

 

I'm trying to listen quietly to all your wisdom. Thank you, again, for all your thoughts.

[Garga]

Well, tell us what happens over the next few weeks. If you have another talk with dh, if you decide to bawl in front of him and make him comfort you, if you do quit, if you don't. Let us know!

[kalanamak]

Hey, we could organize a squad and come over and knee-cap him....:D

[Peek a Boo]

with all you wrote so far....

 

yes, I'd quit. immediately. with or without his consent.

 

good luck!

[Remudamom]

If I were you, and not a Christian, I'd quit in a heartbeat and tell him to like it or lump it. Shoot, even as a Christian I'd be sorely tempted to say that. Why should you miss out on your kids?

[Garga]

I would quit. I've had yucky jobs in the past that sucked the life out of me. As soon as I left them and got better jobs, I wondered why I hadn't done it sooner.

[ciyates]

If you quit how will he react? You maybe just trading one bad situation for another. I would sit down with him and really show him how badly this is affecting you, your marriage and the kids. Regardless if you are a Christian or not it is a partnership and you both have to be on the same page for it to be successful. I really hope that you both can come to an arrangement that works. Good luck!

[KidsHappen]

I was were you are 12 years ago. It was gut wrenching but once the decision was made I had such a feeling of peace. That is when I began my recovery. My older children still remember when I was crazy but my younger children not so much. I feel such heartache and regret for my older children but such relief and gratefulness for my younger children.

 

I would would simply tell my husband that I could not do this and then I would quit and begin the process of putting my life back together. I feel for you and I wish you the best of luck as you work through this. :grouphug:

[mama2cntrykids]

You only get one life. I would let him know what I planned to d beforehand and do it. It's affecting your mental health. It's affecting your time with your kids. Shoot, it's affecting your dh as he doesn't have any "down time" either.

 

I've kind of been in your shoes before. Hated my job. Hated not being with the kids. Cried and cried and cried. My dh knew how miserable I was. I ended up quitting and haven't looked back!

 

That's just me though. I'm just saying what *I* would do and have done in your situation.

 

There are some awesome ladies on here with some sound advice. Good Luck with your decision!

[dangerdad]

We've had many, many talks about this, discussed meds, kids suffering from my not being able to be present with them (watching too much TV, not learning things like cleaning up, attitude adjustments, etc.--things that drive him crazy!), a happier wife means a happier husband, etc. He agrees, but can't commit.

 

Keep in mind we husbands can be a little thick. Have you laid it out this clearly? Not hints or fragments, just being as clear as you have been in this thread? If I knew that dangermom was suffering like this I'd move heaven and earth to do what was necessary for her to feel better, even "sucking it up" myself.

 

Let me toss out something personal. When we were talking about having a second child, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it as a dad. I was stressing enough giving up the selfishness of having one kid--but two? It took me a little while, but I finally realized that if I required being ready for kid #2, we might never have her, so I sucked it up and we had kid #2, who is now utterly devoted to me and who I love dearly.

 

If I hadn't jumped in, I would have really missed out.

 

Yes, it's scary to give up the perceived security of the job, but it's only perceived security. If you have a breakdown, you'll not only lose the income but need help as well. Life is uncertain, and total financial security is simply impossible. The fact that you have months of savings shows prudence in your finances which is the best you can hope for.

 

Can you two agree on a goal which, when achieved would signal the time for you to stop working? If there's no way to tell when you've reached it, you're going to be in limbo indefinitely. Maybe if he realizes that you're at the end of your rope he'd be willing to set a goal? If not, maybe he's like I was, and can realize that if he waits until he's ready, it'll be past your limit?

 

Hopefully some of this helps, but my biggest recommendation is to clearly say how much on the edge you are, and what you feel you need. Sometimes we guys need to hear things spelled out before we truly understand the situation.

 

I'd recommend that if you feel you need to quit, to at least warn him ahead of time. Doing it without informing him could damage the trust in your relationship.

[chaik76]

The original plan was that I would quit before DD7 was ready for kindergarten. I've lost hope that he's going to get there on his own. I'm not even exaggerating.

 

I love the man. I do. I'm not bashing him in anyway, because I know how scared he must be, and how devastated I would feel if I quit and 2 months later, something horrible happened and we lost the house or something. But we have 5 months of expenses in the bank, and in the past two years he's made more than enough to support us. Childcare is costing us $1200 a month right now, not to mention how much we spend eating out, spending on conveniences, and soon, spending on doctors and medicines if I have to resort to antidepressants. And he wants his days off back too--he doesn't want to be taking care of the kids on his only two days off each week. He gets no time to himself, no time to go to the gym, etc. Our quality of life is terrible :( Doesn't someone have to step in make a decision at some point and make a call? That's what I'm struggling with. Do we keep living this way out of fear, or do we take a bold and scary step toward a better life for all four of us, better parenting, a better marriage?

Take the bold and scary step...I do think you should quit. THIS IS NOT WORTH IT. But be prepared that your dh is most likely going to be upset at the beginning.

 

I've quit a job for the same reasons you are talking about here...and it was a lifesaver for me.

[Peela]

I love what Dangerdad has said. I agree...sometimes we women think we have made ourselves clear, but the dh hasnt really got it properly.

 

I would at least go for a forseeable end to the position. If you knew you only had till the end of the year, could you hang it out till then? Make a plan. Tell him you just.cant.do it anymore, and think about alternatives to suggest to him.

 

The burden on a dh to support his family is big, and I am certainly guilty of forgetting that at times. That being said...no way so think you should stay in a soul sucking job. If you feel you can actually afford being home....push for a trial period.

My dh is also very proud of supporting the family so I can homeschool. But I have a part time job that works well for a bit of extra income and makes me feel a bit better.

 

If it came to the crunch and dh just wouldnt accept it...I would leave the job anyway, or find another. Life is jsut too short, and you are ultimately responsible to yourself first.

[EmilyK]

I've read most but not all of the replies, but wanted to contribute a few thoughts.

 

My husband and I both work outside the home, and I thought how I'd feel if he quit without asking me, and I'd be unhappy. I certainly wouldn't want him in a horrible situation, but I'd be freaked to be the sole wage earner without notice.

 

It has been important to my husband that I work -- he likes feeling that it isn't all on him, that I have independence. There have been times I have thought about quitting, but overall I love what I do, which is different from the OP, I know.

 

I guess what I am trying to say, as gently as I can, is that I'm not sure once you get away from conservative Christian principles, there's any reason why the woman gets to stay at home, and not the man. I think at least part of why my husband would resent it is that it looks a lot more like fun than what he is doing, and that inequality would bother him. We only have 2 kids -- I realize it is different when you have more.

 

On the other hand, I can't tell how much the OP's husband is doing. When I am feeling even close to how the OP feels, it is usually because I am doing way, way more of the child and home related work. It isn't "fair" to me to expect a spouse to work similar hours and not do close to the same amount of the work to keep the family going. So I think that's worth exploring.

 

Final thing -- I think there's nothing wrong with therapy, antidepressants, etc if that's what's needed to be able to explore choices.

[melissel]

Every time I come back to this thread, I start to cry again. You guys are so kind. And thank you, Dangerdad and Blueridge's DH, for some guy feedback. I appreciated every word. I actually think my mom and best friend can handle any necessary knee-capping (they're local), but thanks, kalanamak! That made me giggle :o

 

We talked (I only sobbed a little), and we laid it all out on the table. We've talked about it all before, but I guess it's like two steps forward, one step back each time. We've been through the budget a million times (I pay bills and balance spreadsheets, so that's been all set for awhile), but we covered it again anyway. We've been banking my salary for months now, but his is so irregular (sales) that it's really hard to see how things average out from month to month, or over the long term. We had agreed that we'd put six months' expenses in the bank before I quit, but the projected date is March 2010, and I just don't know if I can hold on that long. Finding out about my increased workload today was a real kick in the gut.

 

I talked about the quality of life issues, and he talked about how we've worked so hard to pay off our debts, buy the cars outright, and get financially stable that he wants to enjoy the fruits of that labor (vacations, fixing up the house, etc.), but he also sees the less tangible benefits of me being home--actual time together, less running around, no more babysitters, etc. He's worried about work--his company is in a merger situation right now, and they were informed this week that 10 people will need to be laid off from all departments. He's highly regarded and has proved his value, but we all know how those things go.

 

I reassured him that I would most certainly go back to work if necessary (he thought I'd refuse based on things I'd said in the past, but I never meant those to apply if he wasn't working!), and would look for an appropriate part-time thing in the meantime. He said he didn't want to hear me complain about being broke, and I said I didn't want him to hate me if I kept the heat turned down or we couldn't have exactly what we were in the mood for for dinner every single night.

 

In the end, he agreed that I can quit tomorrow if I really feel that it's in the best interest of our family and my health, and I agreed to hang on for another month or two (or more) if I can. For years now, quitting has always been the carrot on the stick, so close but always juuuuust out of reach. Knowing that it's actually within my grasp means a lot, and gives me a bit more stamina. Even if I gave notice tomorrow, I wouldn't be out until I was finished with these two projects that are killing me anyway, so I should be able to keep going until the next cycle, at least.

 

So, for now at least, things are better. Of course, I have a terrible headache from all the tears and stress, so I'm going to finish my work and go off to bed. Thank you all again. It means so much to know that I'm not crazy, and I'm not just being a baby or a whiner about all of it (that's what it feels like sometimes, that I just need to toughen up and get the job done), and that the things we're losing in this deal--ultimately, the kids' childhoods, the strength of our marriage, our time together--really do matter as much as I think they do. I hope my next post on this topic is the news of my "Don't let the door hit you in the arse on the way out!" celebration :D

 

:grouphug:

[dannie]

Yeah! to the agreement between you and DH. I just wanted to share that you are not alone. I'm in a very similiar situation, but work 20 hours a week outside the home. All of this balancing...It's tough!

 

I can't quit without my DH agreeing. He would not appreciate it. We've talked about the possibilities of me staying home full-time and yet it's as you describe...close but just out of reach.