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Getting away from your raising


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#1 fairfarmhand

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 01:52 PM

I was raised in a very conservative family.

Skirts only (culottes were permitted)
No dancing
No movies (it's ok to rent them but don't go to the movies)
No music but Christian
Etc

I've grown a lot on in my personal views. I wear pants shorts whatever. I still consider myself a committed Christian.

But sometimes I struggle with allowing myself the freedom to enjoy certain things. If you're told something's not right for a lot of your life it's hard to shake that off! Wearing a bathing suit still feels exposed to me. So many things feel off to me that my logical mind says this is no big deal. How do you get past that?


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#2 Quill

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 02:02 PM

I've been there. I think sometimes, it helps to just do the thing, especially if you can do it along with perfectly good people who do those things with no apparently bad results. My parents are/were teetotallers and it took me a while to be able to just have a drink with no internal debate, KWIm? But it helped that I could be in the company of people who could also just have *a* drink with no issues.

It could be worse...you could be Jinger Duggar now wearing pants and shorts...😆

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Edited by Quill, 12 August 2017 - 02:06 PM.

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#3 Carrie12345

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 02:04 PM

I don't have a good answer for you.

 

Upbringing is such an interesting thing to me. I didn't used to give it much thought, because I generally still "click" with my own upbringing.  My mother may be disappointed that I don't go to church, but there isn't anything else that I've wanted to deviate very far from.

 

Dh, otoh... I've lost count of the things he's struggled with.  From buying a different brand of soup to marriage roles, from financial management to conflict resolution, he's always had difficulties accepting alternatives to the way he was taught was "right". It might sound silly for minor differences, but counseling has been eye opening!


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#4 emzhengjiu

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 02:11 PM

I was taught that dancing was sinful - very sinful, so I never learned.  Even now as much as I would like to learn how to dance, I tense up.  Strange because some other conservative teachings haven't affected me very much.



#5 teachermom2834

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 02:16 PM

I am 43 and only in the last couple years am I comfortable coloring my hair. I was in my thirties before I would paint my toenails.

And turns out it didn't make me a loose woman or anything ;) I do think my dad probably thinks I am a bit trashy these days.

Silly examples but I just want to let you know I understand. It is very hard to shake some of those things you grew up with. Even in my case when they didn't even make sense!

#6 creekland

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 02:34 PM

You realize you don't have to if it doesn't feel right to do so, but you can if you want to.  That gives your mind permission to go either way with its thoughts when you try something.  Then you try it more than once.  As with foods or activities or whatever, sometimes when we try something once we love it or hate it.  Most of the time, however, we develop our thoughts about it.  A new job can seem anxiety producing at first, but quite normal after one has been there for a couple of months.

 

It's all the same thing mentally.  Some brains just like "familiar" and others crave "different."  We adapt as we see fit.  Then we don't pass judgments on others who end up doing things differently than we've chosen.

 

I dislike dressing up, make up, heels, doing tons with my hair, etc, but I'm quite ok with friends/others who do those things and they put up with me.  They're all some of those things that are just personal choices.

 

There's no "law" that says you must or can't wear a bathing suit.  It's up to what you prefer.


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#7 G5052

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 02:39 PM

I grew up very nominal Christian, and I have the opposite problem in conservative Christian circles.

 

I don't "get" some of the restrictions, and probably never will.

 

I color my hair, wear pants, drive a red car, and work for pay. There it is. 


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#8 creekland

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 02:57 PM

BTW, it can help to know this isn't just a religious thing.  It is often seen in any human when they do something different than what they were raised with - enjoying/avoiding sports, changing brand names of grocery items, cooking foods (like steaks or veggies) differently, parenting differently, vacationing differently, buying a different type of car, etc.  We also carry a particular affinity for things that were our first (first bank, first credit card, first brand names of things we like, etc).  Marketers know this and eagerly try to be that "first."

 

For many humans, what they were raised with has a sense of "right" to it whether it is something that "matters" or not.  It's the way our brain is.  Learning some things from those who lived very likely gave us better survival rates (which foods to avoid, more successful ways to garden or hunt, problems to avoid).  The rest comes along though.  Most of us have something we need to logically "get over" or simply decide there's nothing wrong with it and continue the legacy.  The big deal (that I see) is not teaching the next generation that this is the only right way to do things or condemning folks in this generation for choosing differently.


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#9 regentrude

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 04:02 PM

I think the first step would be to recognize, as adults, that our parents are/were fallible humans and that there is no reason their views were any more right than our own. They may have been when we were children incapable of looking after ourselves, but it no longer is true once we are grown and capable of rational thought.


Edited by regentrude, 12 August 2017 - 04:03 PM.

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#10 Lisa R.

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 05:23 PM

BTW, it can help to know this isn't just a religious thing. It is often seen in any human when they do something different than what they were raised with - enjoying/avoiding sports, changing brand names of grocery items, cooking foods (like steaks or veggies) differently, parenting differently, vacationing differently, buying a different type of car, etc.

. Most of us have something we need to logically "get over" or simply decide there's nothing wrong with it and continue the legacy. The big deal (that I see) is not teaching the next generation that this is the only right way to do things or condemning folks in this generation for choosing differently.


Yes! I agree that this extends to areas beyond a religious upbringing.

I think that, as parents, the best we can do as we try to extend ourselves as best we can, is to model a non-judgmental attitude for our kids so they have fewer hang-ups.

So, while I may have a strong personal opinion on immunizations, I can make clear to my kids that thoughtful, invested and educated parents fall on both sides is this issue.

Same with different political views, doctrinal differences, housekeeping habits and on and on. I want to teach my kids to think through and follow their convictions and have respect for people that make different choices.

This goes DOUBLE for nonessential, small issues like women wearing make up, people who follow or don't follow celebrities, people who eat or don't eat gluten free and so on.
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#11 Minniewannabe

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 05:40 PM

I was raised in a very conservative family.

Skirts only (culottes were permitted)
No dancing
No movies (it's ok to rent them but don't go to the movies)
No music but Christian
Etc

I've grown a lot on in my personal views. I wear pants shorts whatever. I still consider myself a committed Christian.

But sometimes I struggle with allowing myself the freedom to enjoy certain things. If you're told something's not right for a lot of your life it's hard to shake that off! Wearing a bathing suit still feels exposed to me. So many things feel off to me that my logical mind says this is no big deal. How do you get past that?


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I am not sure I would want to get past my upbringing. When I hear my deceased grandmother yelling in my ear that I am about to do something stupid, I am about to do something stupid, kwim?

Family values are there for a reason. Obviously, extreme perversions, enmeshment, etc. is an exception. But, for the most part, I like people to embrace their upbringing. It shapes the character of the person.

#12 MercyA

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 06:31 PM

I would carefully test the restriction against New Testament Scripture and see if it holds up. If I find no Scriptural reason to adhere to it, I would then pray about it and/or ask myself if I have a clear conscience about it. If I do, I feel I'm free to go ahead and participate or partake, as long as I'm not with someone for whom it is a personal stumbling block.  

 

Go Jinger. She still looks very modest and very cute.  :thumbup1:


Edited by MercyA, 12 August 2017 - 06:31 PM.

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#13 kbutton

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 06:59 PM

I really like this blog: http://beautifulinhi...e.com/about-me/

 

I didn't grow up with tons of lifestyle hang-ups, but I certainly knew lots of people with rules like this at various stages of my life and saw a lot of it firsthand. I went to a school where a lot of people were living this sort of thing. 



#14 Guinevere

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 07:04 PM

I think it is easier to decide who I want to be, and how I need to act/dress/think to be that person.  Some things from my upbringing fit, some don't.  As I get older, I find that many more things fit than I thought, though I have a different expression of them than a previous generation had.  Sometimes it's less about the rule, and more about the heart.  If you dig deep, you might find that you retain the values you were given, but because you live in a different era, you need to express them differently.  


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#15 Where's Toto?

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 08:04 PM

I grew up pretty mainstream in a fairly liberal area of the country, so wasn't exposed to anything that was too extreme.

 

The main thing I can think of is, my mother never drank (that I saw as a kid) and never dated from the time I was 5 until I was 16.   I still get uncomfortable when people drink.  Not even in excess, just any social drinking.   


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#16 lmrich

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 08:14 PM

My dh's nana was 84 when she was recounting her childhood while shuffling cards and a twinkle in her eye as she told us that her daddy told her that cards were the devil's handiwork. She was a devout Christian her entire life and lovely woman who was smarter than most! 

 


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#17 regentrude

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 08:30 PM

Family values are there for a reason. Obviously, extreme perversions, enmeshment, etc. is an exception. But, for the most part, I like people to embrace their upbringing. It shapes the character of the person.

 

And nothing would ever change in the world, new ideas could not take root. If all we embrace is tradition, women could stil not vote or own property, blacks would still be slaves, etc. It takes people deliberately denouncing their "family values" to get over archaic ideas.


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#18 okbud

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 08:34 PM

I am not sure I would want to get past my upbringing. When I hear my deceased grandmother yelling in my ear that I am about to do something stupid, I am about to do something stupid, kwim?

Family values are there for a reason. Obviously, extreme perversions, enmeshment, etc. is an exception. But, for the most part, I like people to embrace their upbringing. It shapes the character of the person.


The question is, "is this thing I'm thinking about part of who we were, and part of who I am? Or is it just a thing we did, or did not do, from habit or inertia or because it simply was/nt done in that time and place?"

"Who we are" things are keepers, usually. "What we did" things usually have some flexibility to them.
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#19 Tanaqui

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 08:39 PM

I am not sure I would want to get past my upbringing. When I hear my deceased grandmother yelling in my ear that I am about to do something stupid, I am about to do something stupid, kwim?

Family values are there for a reason. Obviously, extreme perversions, enmeshment, etc. is an exception. But, for the most part, I like people to embrace their upbringing. It shapes the character of the person.

 

Are you stating that because she was raised to think that bathing suits are immodest, she should embrace it now, despite the fact that this feeling makes her unhappy?


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#20 nixpix5

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 08:41 PM

I like to think that every life event, the good and the bad brought me to where I am suppose to be and who I am suppose to be.

I grew up in a very poor blue collar family raised a staunch atheist. Nothing was off limits for me. My parents were loving to each other and to my brother and I but not many limits were put on us. I not only shocked my parents to death by going to college but double shocked them when I became a Christian. I have issues for sure with how they didn't protect me or my heart or put any boundaries on me. So it sounds like you and I might have the opposite issue with our upbringing :) but I realize they were fallible humans who were products of their own upbringing. So the circle continues.

Edited by nixpix5, 12 August 2017 - 08:42 PM.

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#21 Diana P.

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 08:48 PM

If I did things like my grandmother directed I'd be mean and hateful and probably sympathize with the alt right group in Charlottesville. I'm thankful my father pushed away from that life.
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#22 MercyA

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 09:38 PM

Funny story. My MIL was Amish until she was in her mid-20's. Her father was secretly a bit of a rebel as she was growing up. He took photos of his family, for one--shocking, but so fun to see now! Anyway, when she was a child their family went to a carnival, which was definitely forbidden. She says, "We had to get up in church and confess it in front of the congregation. It was totally worth it."  ;)

 

And that is a rather extreme example of a rule for Christians for which you would be hard-pressed to find a Biblical justification.  :)


Edited by MercyA, 12 August 2017 - 09:39 PM.

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#23 creekland

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Posted 13 August 2017 - 05:19 AM

I like to think that every life event, the good and the bad brought me to where I am suppose to be and who I am suppose to be.

 

:iagree:  and I remember we all have challenges of some sort.

 

This only partially works though, because some are saddled so heavily from the birth lottery that it's extremely difficult to overcome and/or survive and it certainly doesn't usually lead to good character from a human perspective.  When folks do overcome it (on the good side), they tend to be awesome human beings though.

 

I am not sure I would want to get past my upbringing. When I hear my deceased grandmother yelling in my ear that I am about to do something stupid, I am about to do something stupid, kwim?

Family values are there for a reason. Obviously, extreme perversions, enmeshment, etc. is an exception. But, for the most part, I like people to embrace their upbringing. It shapes the character of the person.

 

I think you can say this because your grandmother was probably a wise person (at least in your eyes).  That's not true for everyone.  If I kept with the way I was raised I'd be a Hoarder and openly critical of literally everyone (goes back at least 2 generations).  That is NOT who I want to be.  It certainly shapes character, but not in a good way.  I need to pick and choose which of my family values I want to keep and I do that based upon who I want to be - not any sort of tradition.


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#24 Twolittleboys

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Posted 13 August 2017 - 06:12 AM

I don't think we can ever get away from how we were raised. It does form us in one way or another. Which doesn't mean that we have to conform to it. Quite often people choose the opposite of what they were raised with. And that is okay. I think it is important to face our background at least to a certain extent and make a (somewhat) conscious decision. If you are raised with strict rules about how to dress, you can agree with this, or maybe you don't agree but still more or less dress that way because anything else makes you uncomfortable or you can rebel and wear the smallest bikini you can find (and of course many choices in between). But whatever you do, it was influenced by your past. If you had grown up in a different family you might have chosen differently.

 

I really think that is fine. The only thing we should avoid is to perpetuate a behaviour/mindset that we don't actually agree with. At least if it is important. My father was strictly opposed to earrings. Pretty strange as my family was not at all religious or strict and there weren't any other similar restrictions I can think of. Still, I wouldn't have my ears pierced to honor my late father. But on the other hand I don't have any real desire for pierced earrings anyway so it isn't a hardship.



#25 transientChris

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Posted 13 August 2017 - 06:36 AM

I didn't break much from my parents= I did leave the Catholic church but I am certain that they would understand and have been supportive (my last parent died when I was 23 and before I changed churches).  But both of my parents changed a lot from their upbringing and I am happy that they did.  My father grew up in a small apartment in a city and as the youngest of three boys.  His mother liked to have loud dinner parties or gatherings that weren't anything scandalous or improper except that she did it so often and my father who either slept in the living room or next to it (can't remember the detail) was always disturbed by the noise while trying to sleep. Also, his mother worked in the police station and wasn't home with my father much-paying attention to him. My mother was raised mostly by nannies and governesses and the children ate apart and did not see the parents very much.  She got a great education- her mother hired governesses from different countries so that the kids could learn French and English etc/ and she had lots of fun playing with her dog, her siblings, the worker's children, riding her horse, etc. but she missed the parental involvement.  My parents, in response, paid a lot of attention to us and had their social schedules very curtailed, spending most free time with us children and starting my family tradition of experiences over stuff.


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#26 DawnM

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Posted 13 August 2017 - 07:00 AM

I was raised in a very conservative family.

Skirts only (culottes were permitted)
No dancing
No movies (it's ok to rent them but don't go to the movies)
No music but Christian
Etc

I've grown a lot on in my personal views. I wear pants shorts whatever. I still consider myself a committed Christian.

But sometimes I struggle with allowing myself the freedom to enjoy certain things. If you're told something's not right for a lot of your life it's hard to shake that off! Wearing a bathing suit still feels exposed to me. So many things feel off to me that my logical mind says this is no big deal. How do you get past that?


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I was raised in a similar environment and my parents still think many things are sinful that I just don't.  But it is hard for people who grew up this way to understand how ingrained it is......

 

I was allowed to wear pants, but dancing leads to sex, secular music is just all about sex, etc.....

 

And my upbringing was even stranger because it wasn't really patriarchal.  We believed women could be preachers, women could work in jobs (mostly service jobs like teaching, nursing, etc...) but I never had the stigma of women being "lower than."

 

But there were still heavy rules.   

 

It is hard.  I still struggle with my own beliefs vs. what I was raised with.  What if I am wrong?   And what most people don't get is that there WAS Biblical justification used for all their rules.  So, saying, "Well, just measure it against scripture" isn't really valid when you have been raised this way.

 

It is a struggle that I still often battle. 


Edited by DawnM, 13 August 2017 - 07:00 AM.

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#27 winterbaby

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Posted 13 August 2017 - 08:39 AM

I feel very exposed in bathing suits, and I wasn't raised with any particular idea about it. Objectively, they are quite exposing. Luckily there are many more choices today than there were twenty years ago as far as swim capris, rash guard tops etc. but I go the cheap route with a tankini top and a pair of men's board shorts. A lot of women from all backgrounds aren't quite comfortable in revealing styles so don't feel like you have to go outside your comfort zone to prove you are normal or anything like that. Nobody's going to look at you and think "she must have hangups" or "she must be from some religious group" just because you're dressed a little more conservatively than average. You may not share the underlying beliefs anymore but that doesn't mean every little habit you picked up from them has to carry a stigma.
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#28 joyofsix

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Posted 22 August 2017 - 11:44 AM

My issues tend to be more about money. It just never occurs to me I don't HAVE to buy second hand or clearance food or get something new because I want it and not because the original is unusable.

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#29 nevergiveup

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Posted 22 August 2017 - 02:29 PM

Ultimately you are an adult who can figure out what is right and wrong for yourself.

If wearing a bathing suit feels wrong, then it may be wrong for you.

There are parts of my body that have never seen the sun although my family is not religious and no one told me it was wrong.  I feel too self conscious so I don't do it.

I was about 40 before I ever used the "F" word and the world did not fall apart.

I have drunk vodka in the middle of the afternoon and the world did not fall apart.

I know what sort of person I am and it is freeing being able to decide what is right and wrong for me.


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#30 Happy

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Posted 22 August 2017 - 09:15 PM

My issues tend to be more about money. It just never occurs to me I don't HAVE to buy second hand or clearance food or get something new because I want it and not because the original is unusable.

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Oh my, I am many decades old and money is a wealth of confusion. In just the past two or three years I've discovered I have some DEEP negative roots about money and whether I deserve it or not. Or can earn it or not. I can trace some of it back to things I heard my mom and dad say (or do) about money. Those little seeds buried themselves deeply in my brain and being. 

On the surface, I've come a long way. Underneath...I'm not sure I'll ever get those roots dug out. 

 

I'm curious and a bit afraid at what my sons might have had planted in them from things we (thoughlessly) did or said. Sigh.


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#31 wendy not in HI

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Posted 22 August 2017 - 10:06 PM

My kids are growing up and this summer our second daughter got married.  Her older sister was married last summer... It has made me think a lot about myself and that transition from living at home with your parents to becoming a new couple with a new marriage.  

 

I think there should be a certain amount of turning away from home and making their own decisions.  I hope that my kids feel like they can do things their own way.  I think they know that we tried hard, but there are many many things they could do differently or better or cut out of their lives all together  - and that's okay!  

 

A lot of our religious beliefs are more "tradition" than doctrine. Finding what is at the heart of the doctrine can help solve some of those mysteries of tradition.

 

My dd is considering getting a tattoo.  I think I might, too.  Okay, no I wouldn't get one, it's not my thing.  But if she wants a tattoo, I truly don't care!! Do it! I hope my kids know I am their biggest cheerleader: You be you!!  Make those big decisions!  Be brave!  Try new things!  Make curry for dinner!! (something I have never done, though I love to order it when we eat out)  Be a grown up!  Be better than your mom!  Be different!  Choose!!


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#32 CPSTAnne

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Posted 22 August 2017 - 11:26 PM

I think for me it was taking ownership of the decision. When I first stepped away from religion, I figured I didn't have to dress quite as modestly as I did before. But I didn't like it. I didn't feel comfortable in short shorts and spaghetti strap tops. But I had changed up my wardrobe because I thought "now I can and this is what I can do", not because I *wanted* to. I discovered that I prefer to dress "modestly" not because it's modest but because I have sensory issues and for me that means being familiar with what is touching my skin and having that remain constant. You don't get that in skimpy clothing.

I returned to jeans, t-shirts, and hoodies. 

 

Music also took me a while. I had listened to only christian music for so many years. All secular music felt off to me at first. So for a while I listened only to the "edgier" christian music that wasn't as religious. Because I didn't need to listen to secular music just because I could. I needed to want to hear that music. I needed to enjoy it. And when it wasn't forced I started finding stuff I liked. 

 

So I had to look at choices like that with an eye to what *I* wanted, not just rebel against an old idea because I could. Are you doing things just because you can, or because you want to? 


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#33 maize

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 05:17 AM

Here's an interesting book about the psychology behind our sense of morality (I've only begun reading but find it fascinating so far)--I think might provide some insight into this issue.

https://www.amazon.c...n/dp/0307455777
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#34 peacelovehomeschooling

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 05:42 AM

I have absolutely gotten far away from the way I was raised.  I am thankful that I have. 



#35 KarenC

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 09:01 AM

I was raised in a very conservative family.


No movies (it's ok to rent them but don't go to the movies)

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I've never understood this.  What is the difference between renting a movie and seeing the same movie in a theater?



#36 CPSTAnne

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 09:38 AM

I've never understood this.  What is the difference between renting a movie and seeing the same movie in a theater?

 

When my mom was growing up my grandmother had the same rule. For my grandma it was because that theater showed rated r movies, so you were sitting in the same place as people sinning.



#37 Arctic Mama

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 10:04 AM

But but but if you're sitting in your own bed you're sitting in a place where people are sinning, too. None of us has sinless perfectionism, at any time or place. That's just bizarre.

I was raised conservative southern baptist but I guess I should be smooching my mommy that we never went to churches with legalistic craziness for very long before leaving. We have all sorts of hang ups but they aren't religious in nature, thankfully. Hugs to you Fairfarmhand, it takes years to uproot those insidious scripts that can run in our heads in the background and subtly influence how we see the world.

Personally I have found replacing my mental narrative works the best, rather than just trying to excise the negative stuff I don't want anymore.
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#38 fairfarmhand

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 10:12 AM

I've never understood this. What is the difference between renting a movie and seeing the same movie in a theater?


There isn't one.




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#39 fairfarmhand

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 10:14 AM

One of my friends commented sarcastically that non dancing Christians don't dance to music. But instead they do motions. but that's not dancing.


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#40 Kiara.I

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 02:55 PM

I've never understood this.  What is the difference between renting a movie and seeing the same movie in a theater?

 

Well, my suspicion is that people SEE you at the movie theatre...

Though one might guess they would see you at the rental store too, back when there were rental stores.  But perhaps that is a shorter time frame and therefore less risky?



#41 creekland

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 03:24 PM

To anyone who thinks one should embrace their family values, take a couple of hours and watch The Glass Castle at the movie theater, then get back to this thread.

 

I still say there are some things one should keep, and others they should break the cycle on.  Then, of course, there are those in the middle that are merely personal preference.

 

I've seen too many real stories similar to The Glass Castle or my own background (different, but similar in its way) to suggest otherwise.  Too much heritage gets kept in too many cases.



#42 elegantlion

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 03:38 PM

My parents were not super conversative, but one grandmother was while the other grandmother was a partyin' alcoholic. There were a lot of weird "what is right/wrong" ideals in my household because my parents were confused, very little middle ground. They knew one side was too conservative and we would be cautioned about taking things like playing cards to her house. The other was tolerated, but heavily judged because of her lifestyle (drinkin', dives, and divorces could have been her motto). 

 

So when I smoked and drank as a teen and young adult, I felt "sinful."  It took me years to find that middle ground of acceptance in my life. I don't smoke anymore, but I do drink. This has added some, um shall we say, interesting dynamics because we now live with my mom, someone who hasn't really seen proper social drinking modeled in her life. I'm 50 and still have to remind my mom we're not hooligans because I have like 3 bottles of alcohol in the house. 

 

Studying other cultures helps, sort of. Examining my own boundaries helps. Being a historian also helps. I often trace a thought, those fleeting moments of panic or guilt over doing something to see if I *should* feel guilty or panicked or if I should realize that is years of no middle showing up. Sometimes I go ahead, sometimes I pause and don't move forward, so I can generally get to a decision based upon my current morals when I have time to act.