How independent are your college kids?

[Kidlit]

I'm not necessarily looking for a right or wrong here at all--just to see if my college kids' extreme independence is typical or atypical.  
A few examples:

one child makes their own medical appointments and decisions at 18.5 years 

one child lives at home but comes and goes without discussion at 20 years

the 18.5 yo lives in dorm and paid his/her own dorm expenses (scholarship the first year, so this is new) with money earned from jobs with no discussion 

Again, I'm not looking for right or wrong, just is this typical or atypical. 

[MEmama]

I'd say typical. 
 

I help my kid more than I would but he's autistic and needs it in certain areas. He does all the medical stuff himself though, comes and goes on his own, shared a flat and did all his grocery shopping, cooking, laundry etc etc. That was definitely expected at his uni and an 18yo who couldn't do those things would be kinda odd, I think. 

[MEmama]

I moved across country (on the Greyhound lol) at 19 on my own, with zero help financial or otherwise. I think it's typical to figure out life stuff by then.

[momto3innc]

My oldest: does everything related to his schooling on his own. He schedules, pays, meets with his advisor, plans his undergrad and grad, etc…I’ve never seen a grade from him.  He does medical appointments on his own starting at 18ish. When he moved into an apartment I did help him with some domestic things (learning to cook different things, shopping for food during the summer before that) just because he’s not great at stuff like that. He loves us and tells us details but it’s totally on him (and that’s how he wants it).

My middle: he’s pretty scattered so I do feel like we helped more leading up to his leaving with things like scheduling, payment, dorm stuff, etc. Now that he’s there, he’s independent but he needed more help to get there.

My youngest: will likely be exactly like my oldest but we will see.

[Drama Llama]

15 minutes ago, Kidlit said:

 

one child lives at home but comes and goes without discussion at 20 years

 

What do you mean by this?

Do you mean they don't ask your permission, or that they don't ever share where they've been or are going, or that you don't every plan schedules around each other?  

[freesia]

Medical appointments:I make them still bc they either have to be scheduled months out and one doesn’t even attend school in the US or I am there anyway with younger siblings. If they were/are sick, they call. They go alone. 
 

We make school related travel/airline tickets bc we pay for those. They make all other travel. ( Both recently got their own tickets to go to a wedding of a childhood friend.) my oldest spent a semester in London and booked his own plane tickets to travel Europe with friends  

They are responsible for a set amount of school costs. You could see that as room and board and books and personal expenses, but we don’t parse it out that way. 
 

When home, we do want to know when they’ll be home. We share cars so it’s very important we work together on plans/schedules. If they had their own cars, I would probably just want to know when they’d be home and if they need dinner. 
 

I am very committed to 18 and older neurotypical young adults handling their own lives while knowing we are there as back up. At first, they don’t like handling going to the doctors themselves, but they gain confidence. Some of mine want the freedom/fun of adulthood without handling the annoying adulting parts. I have found they mature faster when having to handle all the parts. 

[ScoutTN]

My 19 yo is reasonably independent, but still calls to ask for advice and direction at times. Her school is only 90 minutes away and she is home every fourth or fifth weekend.

She handles her living details and most school things on her own. She has the dog and handles all his care. For non -routine medical things, she usually calls to talk it through with me before taking action. Dh helps her with non-routine car stuff. 

Things like internship and study abroad applications involve our financial support and so are not entirely on her own. 
 

When she’s home, she lets us know where or with whom she will be and ballpark when she’ll be home, and if she’s in for dinner. Not because we require these things, but because she is considerate.

Edited September 15 by ScoutTN

[maize]

That's pretty typical for my kids.

Also me as a college student back in the day.

[Kidlit]

11 minutes ago, Drama Llama said:

What do you mean by this?

Do you mean they don't ask your permission, or that they don't ever share where they've been or are going, or that you don't every plan schedules around each other?  

Somewhat all three.  This child comes and goes with minimal details.  Child will respond with a general answer about which town was the destination, etc.  Child is a hard worker with a demanding double major and studies a lot, so generally child is either studying at a coffee shop or at university fulfilling a job or a leadership role or at class. We don't plan schedules around each other but child will sometimes communicate about mealtime if asked.  We haven't required permission in a few years. 

[Kidlit]

5 minutes ago, freesia said:

I am very committed to 18 and older neurotypical young adults handling their own lives while knowing we are there as back up. At first, they don’t like handling going to the doctors themselves, but they gain confidence. Some of mine want the freedom/fun of adulthood without handling the annoying adulting parts. I have found they mature faster when having to handle all the parts. 

Thanks for this perspective.

[2squared]

Seems pretty typical. We’ve had two high school grads, and once they go to college, they handle their own lives. We pay the bills, but it’s all set up to auto-pay, so we don’t even communicate about that. #1 will call to ask for advice along the way, which is her personality. #2 doesn’t reach out for anything, which is his personality.

#1 makes great decisions and is very mature, so when she asks for advice, we usually confirm her thoughts or add life experience info that she wouldn’t have. 

#2 wants to do everything on his own, and he isn’t an expressive person normally. He doesn’t reach out, so we try to provide advice/guidance when we think he needs it. For instance, I offered to review his resume when I thought he should be thinking about summer internships.

Edited September 14 by 2squared

[historically accurate]

I have a 22 year old who is in a college program currently. She is not NT, but she lives with her grandmother, so she does not report to us for the most part. She handles all doctor appointment (and there are a lot), makes all her own food, etc. She does not handle school without executive functioning assistance (both Grandma and I share this) nor is she able to handle her finances independently (I go over her bills, etc. weekly with her). 

My 19 yo college student handles all school items, her personal finances, and most of her medical stuff independently. She requires some pushing in mental health maintenance, but that seems to be a "I feel fine, so I can let it go (and then predictably watch it implode)" mental health failing.

I do pay all school bills because the college bills are mostly paid from 529 money which is in our name. 

[gardenmom5]

I was making my own dr appointments at 15/16.  as soon as I could drive (not bus friendly) I was getting myself there too.  tbh: I would have appreciated more positive guidance, such as with school.  But that wasn't going to happen.  early teens I was navigating the iffy bus system to get places.  

my kids varied. 
the girls were in school across the country, so they had to be more independent  - and that was before really widespread generic cell phone use (by the end, cell phones were common, but not at the beginning. It was about a nine year period incl. 2dd taking time out for her mission in Chile.)  
the boys were a bit slower.

 

 

[MrsMommy]

I have three in college right now, and they're all over the place, independence-wise. Everyone is different, so I'm not sure that there is a "typical." As long as they're thriving, I think it's good.

[Kidlit]

5 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

I was making my own dr appointments at 15/16.  as soon as I could drive (not bus friendly) I was getting myself there too.  tbh: I would have appreciated more positive guidance, such as with school.  But that wasn't going to happen.  early teens I was navigating the iffy bus system to get places.  
 

 

 

This is the part I'm concerned about. They don't ask, and it's really their personalities.  Also, I never want to breach another adult's sense of agency, so I don't do much other than a gentle ask occasionally.  

[City Mouse]

My kids were quite independent at that age. In fact my DS was going to the dentist by himself once he could drive himself (The dentist office did have my sign a permission). That’s how things were when I was 18, so I didn’t expect anything different with my own kids.

My DH is #8 out of 9 siblings. He jokes that at his house once you graduated from high school, the parents broke your dinner plate, and now you were a guest not a household member. He is exaggerating a bit, but not that much. Maybe being raised in large families is a factor. 

Edited September 14 by City Mouse

[Tap]

Dd and her husband were married at 19 and lived 1000 miles from home.  He joined the Air Force. She had extreme health issues so I helped with major medical stuff, but she took care of the rest.
 

Her first year of college at 18, she pretty much lived at his house. The dad paid the bills but wasn’t there often. Her and her boyfriend/husband took care of the house and pets. They made menus for the week. Went grocery shopping and cooked for themselves and his sister when she was there. They did all the housework. They were in college and working, paying for their own things aside from housing and some food ( I gave her food money because I wanted her to eat well with her medical issues). They both saved half of their incomes for college and long term savings. At 25 they have 50,000 in savings and two cars that are paid off. She cooks from scratch to the point that she makes all of their bread. 
 

DS lived at home during his early college years, but he was also very independent. He loved at home to save money for college expenses and to help me with my niece. (My xh traveled for work ). He started college at 16 had a masters at 23 ( i think) and no college debt. He went back for another BS paid that off as well. He got his first job at 16 and had 2 to 3 jobs or long term volunteer commitments since. At 18 he was working as a paid youth pastor. He helped take care of my niece who is autistic and violent and was her paid one-on-one for his early 20s. He helped run the house as well. He started investing right out of high school so he wasn’t only paying his own expenses but growing his wealth as well. He did more around the house than he was asked to. 

[2squared]

10 minutes ago, City Mouse said:

My kids were quite independent at that age. In fact my DS was going to the dentist by himself once he could drive himself

My kids drive themselves and their younger sibs to the dentist once they drive at 16yo. Saves me a lot of time! 

i still take them to the doctor and go in with them, but that’s because they need more training on how to listen, ask questions, etc. They still want me to go with them, so I do. 

Edited September 14 by 2squared

[Terabith]

My college kids are not that independent. I am not sure that it’s healthy that they are not, but neither of them have jobs and while they both have their licenses, one pretty much refuses to drive.  My oldest doesn’t have regular medical appointments (and lives on campus but within town), but I scheduled a physical appointment for them this summer because they would have ceased being a current patient. I make appointments for my youngest, who needs transportation and doesn’t do well talking to medical providers.  We do financial things too.  If oldest is at home, they don’t necessarily tell me that they’re going to McDonalds if I’m asleep or not home or whatever, but if they see me or will be gone for long, they say, “Hey, I’m going x” the same way we all share our locations in a family that is close and usually shares meals and transportation.  

[wintermom]

I think it's hard to judge and compare 'independence' across very different circumstances. If a college student lives away from home and needs to see a doctor, they'll have to make their own appointment where ever the appropriate doctor is. Additionally, the student away from home has to figure out most things on their own, and the parent isn't there to observe everything they do or don't do.

The student that lives at home is easier for parents to observe, and therefore may seem less independent for some things because they don't have to do those things. The things are getting done at home, like grocery shopping, but other things at college may be completely up to the student to figure out (e.g., assignments, course registration, transportation). 

For my 4 dc (2 recent grads, 2 uni students), all still living at home, the levels of independence vary depending on their needs and situations. One organizes all his medical appointments (which are many and frequent) and ensures his meds are in order because his life depends on it (Type 1 diabetes), and we help when he asks. One hasn't needed a doctor or dentist for 2 years, but when he needs one he'll have to figure it out on his own as it's organized through his employer.  

Edited September 14 by wintermom

[almondbutterandjelly]

At our house, that would have been atypical.  But... I have an only, and we are very close.  She lived at home during undergrad.  She's been doing her own laundry since age 10 and responsible for her room and bathroom.  She does have a car (old and small) provided by us.  Needed a lot of moral support initially.  Got more independent as time moved on.  We paid for school.  Has been making doctor's appointment since age 18.  Sometimes needed to be encouraged to do so, but not too often.  Largely in charge of own life, but tells us what's going on, because we are close and get along well.  Also, we have Find a Friend on our phones, so we all always know everybody's location.  Moved out fully at age 23 and is attending and paying for grad school.  We are/have been advisers and supportive as needed.

[SKL]

My girls are 17yo commuting college freshmen.

It's a mix here.  In some ways, my kids were independent before most; in other ways, I'm still having a hard time cutting the apron strings.

• They've been in charge of their own food and clothes for years.  I will buy clothes for birthday/Christmas if that's what they want; otherwise they buy their own.  I let them buy groceries for cooking using my credit card.  They decide what to eat, find the recipes, buy the ingredients, and prepare it.  Personal products (like pads, deodorant) - they are supposed to buy their own, but sometimes I'm nice and let them use my credit card.
• They've had authorization to attend routine health appointments without me since 10yo.  However, if they ask, or if there is a potentially complex issue, I'll go in with them.  I think that it's a good practice for people of any age to bring someone if they have a potentially complex health issue, although I never do this myself.  😛  On their college campus, there is a health clinic, and I've encouraged them to go check it out so they'll know the procedure should they ever need to go.  They decide whether or not to take meds etc.  I consider them mature enough to make health decisions (though I may or may not agree with them), and pretty soon, I won't have the legal right to step in, so might as well get used to it.  However, I will make recommendations like any mom.
• They don't need permission to come and go, but we share a car, so I expect them to consult me if they are going to do something unusual.  They need to tell me if they're bringing someone over, because we have a dog who isn't safe with visitors.  Technically, I think the curfew laws still apply to them, but I don't police that.
• I finally stopped touching their laundry in summer 2024.  Probably late by some standards.  I did have some withdrawal symptoms at first.  😛
• They are not the neatest housemates by a long stretch.  I look for a balance between treating them like adults (freedom) and expecting them to act like adults (consideration).
• School - they are responsible for their attendance and academic success, although this is easier on my soul with one kid vs. the other.  This year, I'm paying and all that, because they are still minors.  I might change the process for next year, but I'm committed to bankroll it through undergrad (assuming state school / commuting from my house).
• Work - they've had paid jobs since age 16.  They are responsible to know their schedule and get there wearing the right clothes etc. (using my car).  They've managed their own personal spending accounts since they were young teens.  They pay for their own entertainment / social stuff, fast food, personal products, clothes, hobbies, and anything else that I refuse to pay for.  😛  Next summer, I'll expect them to put aside cash for bigger things ... specifically, at least one of them wants to do a semester abroad, and there will be expenses she'll need to cover without a job at that time.  And they'll probably buy my car from me at some point.

[Arcadia]

My teens have not needed any medical appointments other than up to date immunizations for college. We have a walk in clinic across the street that is in network so my teens just go there and get it done. For out of network claims, my husband as the primary insurance holder has to be the one filing the claim so even I can’t file the claim for my own out of network bill. Our in network dentist is also across the street so my teens just go if they need to. 
For driving, my teens do not want to drive so they are great with public transport. DS18 can take the Amtrak to college while DS19 flies. 
For college tuition and expenses, we pay in full for both kids. My husband had scholarships while my parents paid for my undergrad and postgrad studies. DS19 has a tiny academic scholarship and we let him keep it. 
DS19 can cook, buy groceries and do the laundry all along. He accompanied me to my radiation treatments when he was 14 and is quite good at navigating the cancer center and adjacent hospital. He also has his own credit card and bank account. 
DS18 can only cook air fryer stuff, buy groceries and do laundry. 

[catz]

I think that is in the range of typical.  But that a range is normal.  I also think it can depend if a young person is intentionally pulling away and exerting independence with intention.  Because like I don’t think there is anything wrong with setting up appointments for young adults.  Especially for stuff they might need to get done over break at home.  

if you have a kid that was able to afford the dorm, that took some planning.  Did you tell your kids you weren’t paying for college housing and that living at home was the expectation   I also think younger siblings and those dynamics can affect how things roll out.  Like we pay for college housing for our kids but we also had financial restrictions college shopping.  How families pay for college can range so much too  

And sometimes executive function come together later for some.   My oldest kid was a colleges freshman when Covid started.  Mostly lived at home his sophomore year. Was fairly needy junior year.  And ALL the brain cells clicked that last year.  Networked on campus, invited to an honors society, found a very competitive job not near us, living alone, cooking meals, etc.  He has been working for a year.  This week he’s on site at a client in a cool city this week with one other coworker.  Sending us photos while exploring.  He is extremely independent.  So if you made a few appointments for that college student, i don’t think that is necessarily indicative of adulting skills long term.  

[Kidlit]

2 minutes ago, catz said:

 

if you have a kid that was able to afford the dorm, that took some planning.  Did you tell your kids you weren’t paying for college housing and that living at home was the expectation   I also think younger siblings and those dynamics can affect how things roll out.  Like we pay for college housing for our kids but we also had financial restrictions college shopping.  How families pay for college can range so much too  

 

This is definitely part of the mix for us.  Our kids have always known our expectation is for them to find a way to pay for college, and the underlying assumption is scholarship. (This may have to change with younger siblings unless executive functioning kicks in and surprises us.) Oldest got a full ride but opted to live at home after spending a little time in a dorm room  the first year. Younger sibling was one point shy on the ACT of the same scholarship (& we did pay for tutoring, but that math score was only going so high; child's English score was perfect).  Younger child wanted an out of town school and we did all the things, going so far as to have orientation at that school . Child knew it would mean loans after scholarship, so they opted for the closer school where the scholarship paid more.  
We try to be fair with all the children and so are planning to help a little with living expenses, though with an eye to the fact that this child could easily live for free at home.  
I wish the older child's housing scholarship could be applied to younger child! 

[SKL]

I should note that I do make some health appointments for my kids.  Mainly because it's just easier, as I work at home and have a flexible schedule during business hours.  However, they also make some of their health appointments, so they know how to do it.  It's just a matter of convenience.

[Dmmetler]

Mine moved into a dorm at 16, and has handled basically everything on campus except that I usually make travel reservations. For the first two years, they'd do as much as they could legally do, send me the form. I'd sign, scan, and email/fax back. 

 

Mine's paying for most of college via scholarships and covers incidentals. We cover travel and medical (via an HSA) and the part of college costs not covered by scholarships. 

 

When L's home, they do tell me when they're going somewhere, but it's because they don't have a car and need mine. 

 

Edited September 14 by Dmmetler

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, Kidlit said:

This is the part I'm concerned about. They don't ask, and it's really their personalities.  Also, I never want to breach another adult's sense of agency, so I don't do much other than a gentle ask occasionally.  

unless they are paying all their own bills, living on their own, providing their own transportation - they're not an independent adult.  If you are providing financial support, they're not fully independent.   You can ask questions, - they don't have to answer.  You can share your own experiences.  Some will use it as a learning resource.  

I used to ask 2ds if he'd registered for classes (he'd wait until the last minute, he was living at home, and I'd be pulling out my hair - figuratively.).  He'd threaten to not register at all if I continued to ask. . . . . Up until the quarter he waited until the night before the quarter started, and he'd owed fees from the previous quarter so the system wouldn't allow him to register . . . He was scrambling the next day to get the fee paid, and then had to get permission from instructors to register to attend their classes because he was registering after the deadline.  That cured that! 

Last year I was talking to our "houseguest" (putting it politely) trying to explain to him what things he could do to be independent.  "i'm doing pretty good at that" 😮 You're living in someone else's house rent-free!    (His mother kicked him out and had a restraining order against him - which he violated.  the kid had a homeless mindset, and he'd rather live on the streets than show up regularly to a job - which got him fired.)

[Kidlit]

1 minute ago, gardenmom5 said:

unless they are paying all their own bills, living on their own, providing their own transportation - they're not an independent adult.  If you are providing financial support, they're not fully independent.   You can ask questions, - they don't have to answer.  You can share your own experiences.  Some will use it as a learning resource.  

 

I am a very relational person and I am just trying to get a gauge on what's "normal" (yes, it varies greatly!) so my expectations aren't too high.  We have to asking/not always answering down pat at our house!  😜. 

[wintermom]

3 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

unless they are paying all their own bills, living on their own, providing their own transportation - they're not an independent adult. 

In many ways, sure, but sadly in the current economic landscape achieving all these things is beyond a lot of young adults. It sure was for me until I landed a full-time job where I could afford 'it all.'  Housing costs are exhorbitant in many areas, and living with multiple roommates in order to move out of the family home isn't always affordable either.

Often there are seasons of transitioning into that ultime 'independent adult' you suggest. Marriage is often a quick route, as then there are 2 sets of parents and loads of family giving a lot of gifts and money.

[Bootsie]

My kids have graduated from college.  They had scholarships and college savings funds which paid for most college expenses.  They were responsile for managing their budgets within those constraints.  Both were independent as far as choosing a major, registering for classes, filing papework for graduation, etc.  If they asked me to proofread a paper or for some other assistance I gladly helped when I could--just like I would help DH if he asked for a second set of eyes to look over something important.  

One lived in the dorm all four years (serving as an RA the last two years); the school was 275 miles from our home.  She chose not to get her drivers license until she was 21, but handled much of the investigation/booking of bus, train, and plane tickets to return home or go other places she wanted to go.  She would coordinate with us regarding picking her up and dropping her off for holidays

The other lived in the dorm the first couple of years but then moved home the third year; it was a situation where our house was closer to his classes than his dorm would have been.  We usually knew whether he was in class, at work, participating in his athletic activiities, or with friends just through casual conversation.  If there was some reason we needed to know (our car was in the shop, could he drive us to work or something similar), we would ask.  And, if there was something particular we were wanting to plan (family birthday celebration, special dinner, etc.) we would let him know about the opportunity and cooordinate timing if needed.  Other than that, he came and went about the same as he did when he lived in the dorm.  

[PronghornD]

The answers you are getting may be a bit skewed, with those who have independent kids more likely to answer than those of us who are providing lots of support.

Our child does not drive, so we have had to provide transportation to get them to and from school and to appointments when they are home on break. Our child went away to college and grad school and has had a full tuition scholarship (undergrad) and a full tuition scholarship plus assistantship (grad). We have helped out financially as needed, since we don't feel educational debt and a music career will go together well. Our child is thrifty and manages their money well.

Our child has no trouble making appointments. Sometimes, for appointments during breaks, I have made the appointments, since they have to fit my schedule as the chauffeur.

Our child is a highflier academically and makes good decisions but needs tons of emotional support. They often will call several times in one week and talk for a couple of hours each time. I suppose I could push them to be more emotionally independent, as my mother did with me, but my experience was that pushing led to a stressful false independence. Nothing wrong with depending on parents a bit longer before switching to dependence on peers or developing true independence.

Edited September 14 by PronghornD

[Melanie32]

My son was extremely independent. He went into the work force upon graduation and bought his own home by 20. He decided he wanted to be a mechanic, sold his home and moved back home around 23 ish. He did what he wanted and had full autonomy. I tried to have him keep me updated on his nightly plans so I would know if he’d be for dinner and if he’d be sleeping here but that was it. He handled everything himself.

My 22 year old daughter is in college and lives at home and we are two peas in a pod so she keeps me up on everything going on in her life. She drives but doesn’t like to. This past year she has developed a lot of health issues that make her more dependent on me. Before that she had a couple of side jobs. She is unable to work now and hasn’t been able to drive much either.
 

Sometimes I worry that she is too dependent on me for a 22 yr old but I don’t honestly see any way around that with her current medical issues. I’m hoping she can gain more independence as she grows physically stronger. We both handle her medical appt but she makes most of the phone calls. She drives herself to local appt but I have to drive her to the long distance appt. She doesn’t have any financial autonomy right now except for her savings account which she keeps for college expenses. We pay for the majority of her tuition but she helps here and there. She is completely financially dependent on us for the time being.

 

 

Edited September 14 by Melanie32

[2ndGenHomeschooler]

Based on my sample size of two, there is a range of typical (unless one of mine is not typical and I don’t know!). 
 

DD20 went to college a year and a half after graduating high school, at 19. After insisting she was never going, she suddenly changed her mind and wanted to go to a small private school halfway across the country. She made the phone calls, sent the emails, read the info online, and figured it all out herself. She is paying for it with money she’d saved before she left and working summers and longer breaks between semesters. No loans so far. I really have been very hands off except providing her transcript or information for FAFSA, stuff like that. I still make some medical appointments for her as it’s just easier for me to do it since she works or is in school. But that is for local appointments. If she needed an appointment at school, she’d figure it out. We are unable to help out much with her school expenses but we cover her cell phone while she’s at school, and send supplies, snacks, and things like that as we are able. 
 

DD18 just started her freshman year at a local community college, which is free in my state. She very much wants to be independent but it is work for both of us to make that happen. I would love to step in and see if she needs help studying or planning her schedule but I try to refrain. I am available if she asks for help, just as I would be for anyone else I cared about. She wanted me to contact her advisor and email the school for information about applying, registering for classes, orientation, and similar things but I refused. I felt it was important for her to figure these things out for herself. I did get on the website with her a couple of times and help her find names and contact info of people who would likely be able to give her the information she needed. She was late, or last minute with a few things but she’s getting there. She works part time and has a regular babysitting job and she manages both of those things without me. 
 

For both girls, they are welcome to live at home rent free for as long as they need. I like to know if they’ll be home for dinner and where they will be, just as my DH and I keep each other informed, but they don’t need to ask permission. I provide prepared meals and ingredients just as I always have but if they want something different they have to take care of that. They buy their own clothes and personal items. An older friend gave us a car when they were no longer able to drive and we spent a little money on repairs to get it on the road. The girls can share it until they want to buy their own cars but they are responsible for their own gas, insurance, and repairs. It’s an old car so it‘s inexpensive. We pay for our older daughter’s travel home for breaks as a small thing we can do to help her, but any other travel, entertainment, etc is up to them to plan and pay for. We want to help our kids get started in life although we aren’t able to help them much financially. But we also want to give them opportunity to develop the skills they need to be independent. This is the balance we’ve found. So far it works ok. 

Edited September 14 by 2ndGenHomeschooler

[gardenmom5]

56 minutes ago, wintermom said:

In many ways, sure, but sadly in the current economic landscape achieving all these things is beyond a lot of young adults. It sure was for me until I landed a full-time job where I could afford 'it all.'  Housing costs are exhorbitant in many areas, and living with multiple roommates in order to move out of the family home isn't always affordable either.

Often there are seasons of transitioning into that ultime 'independent adult' you suggest. Marriage is often a quick route, as then there are 2 sets of parents and loads of family giving a lot of gifts and money.

I'm well aware of rising housing costs (among other expenses), and salaries that don't keep up with those costs - I live in one of the highest COL areas in the country.  

 
 

 

[wintermom]

18 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

I'm well aware of rising housing costs (among other expenses), and salaries that don't keep up with those costs - I live in one of the highest COL areas in the country.  

 
 

 

Ya, I figured. We'll just have to disagree on the definition of "independent adult." There are a lot of 70 - 90 year old that are no longer independent. Sucks to have to be dependent on others and not have autonomy in your world.

Edited September 14 by wintermom

[SKL]

If we want to be philosophical about it, I'm not sure all of us are independent for that matter.  😛

I've never lived alone.  I just have one room in this house and I share the common spaces and expenses.  I haven't asked my folks to do anything for me in a while, but I still like to bounce ideas off of them.  Over time, it flips as I help my folks instead of them helping me.  I also help my fully-grown siblings in various ways.  And my friends.

[Bambam]

My kids were fairly independent at 18/19. 
But, we did have a couple of incidents that required more parental involvement. 1. Suspected strep but 19 yo did not push for antibiotics (rapid strep negative but it looked like strep, they did a culture and sent it off - finally got a positive result like three days later, doctor did not give script for antibiotics). She told me after first doctor visit, I took her to another doctor and told her to push for antibiotic as rapid strep is only 50% accurate. If it looks like strep and your throat feels awful (can't  eat/drink) push for antibiotic.  2. Other child got concussion - so she needed more help. I guess that same child (accident prone) also hurt ankle and required more assistance temporarily.  These were isolated incidents. First child learned to advocate more for her health after that experience.  Not much you can do about accidents - and often you need more help with injuries. 

[wintermom]

14 hours ago, SKL said:

If we want to be philosophical about it, I'm not sure all of us are independent for that matter.  😛

I was for a couple years in Norway and another couple years back in Canada but far from family. It was very lonely. I much prefer having others around. 

Edited September 15 by wintermom

[SHP]

The same one

Runs a business.

Cannot figure out how to pay the doctor visit copay.

Travels 100% independently, including planning and all the things.

Cannot figure out where to buy their favorite sneakers. I sent them a link.

 

[Clarita]

I'm apparently still not independent from my mom. We are going to visit her (overseas) she's booking my hotel and getting (phone/money/stuff) ready for us when we get there. Also she's setting aside some clothes for me to see if I want them as hand me downs. 

Of course last month I helped her with some tax stuff, because the time difference and location just made it easier for me to do some things. 

I hope my mom, my in-laws and I never become fully independent from each other.

[Arcadia]

30 minutes ago, Clarita said:

 

I'm apparently still not independent from my mom. We are going to visit her (overseas) she's booking my hotel and getting (phone/money/stuff) ready for us when we get there. Also she's setting aside some clothes for me to see if I want them as hand me downs. 

 

56 minutes ago, SKL said:

 

If we want to be philosophical about it, I'm not sure all of us are independent for that matter

In the context of OP’s first post, I would think both of you would count as independent adults. My unmarried cousin and unmarried aunt co-owned a condo because it makes financial sense than each buying one. They are definitely regarded as independent adults. 

When I go back to my country of origin, my relatives would pamper me, chauffeuring me around, buying my favorite food and snacks for me, stuff like that. Doesn’t mean that I can’t buy my own stuff or take a bus/cab. They just want to pamper me. 

[Ginevra]

22 hours ago, Kidlit said:

I'm not necessarily looking for a right or wrong here at all--just to see if my college kids' extreme independence is typical or atypical.  
A few examples:

one child makes their own medical appointments and decisions at 18.5 years 

one child lives at home but comes and goes without discussion at 20 years

the 18.5 yo lives in dorm and paid his/her own dorm expenses (scholarship the first year, so this is new) with money earned from jobs with no discussion 

Again, I'm not looking for right or wrong, just is this typical or atypical. 

This seems a bit more independent than my kids were at those ages and in those scenarios. 
 

My nearly 25yo has boomeranged back. He is mostly independent, certainly for medical stuff, hair care, finances, etc. But he does discuss his comings and going with us, at least in the basic sense; ie, what location, who with and whether or not to expect him home for the night. He is also very involved in dinners, both cooking and eating with us so he does discuss his expectation to be/not be home for dinner. 
 

When my daughter was 20, she was living in another country, so, while we did talk often, I had almost zero input in how her daily life was going. 
 

I try to hit that balance between allowing them independence but also providing guidance for health, relationships and finances, because my parents totally avoided doing that and I felt very much left to my own devices on all of those matters. After I had met dh, my MIL provided almost all financial guidance to me. My parents never explained anything financial to me, likely because they were not doing so well in that area themselves. The only thing I remember ever being said to me was when I first got a credit card and happily showed my mom. She said, “Great! Now you can be in debt like the rest of us!” /s 

[pinball]

11 hours ago, SKL said:

If we want to be philosophical about it, I'm not sure all of us are independent for that matter

That’s a dangerous mentality.

I think we are all ultimately alone.

People should be at least mentally prepared to stand alone. There is not one person alive who doesn’t have a red line issue where they won’t compromise and if you’re counting on that person to support you in that specific red line issue…you’re SOL and all alone.

[Kidlit]

46 minutes ago, Ginevra said:

 

I try to hit that balance between allowing them independence but also providing guidance for health, relationships and finances, because my parents totally avoided doing that and I felt very much left to my own devices on all of those matters. After I had met dh, my MIL provided almost all financial guidance to me. My parents never explained anything financial to me, likely because they were not doing so well in that area themselves. The only thing I remember ever being said to me was when I first got a credit card and happily showed my mom. She said, “Great! Now you can be in debt like the rest of us!” /s 

Thanks for this. This helps me realize we're doing more than I think.  They definitely do *listen* to us with regards to money (upthread I mentioned scholarships and how that's all worked out).  One child has a SO and has asked dh to talk to the SO about money because SO's FOO hasn't done much in the way of preparation for adulthood for the SO. 

[SKL]

1 hour ago, pinball said:

That’s a dangerous mentality.

I think we are all ultimately alone.

People should be at least mentally prepared to stand alone. There is not one person alive who doesn’t have a red line issue where they won’t compromise and if you’re counting on that person to support you in that specific red line issue…you’re SOL and all alone.

True, but it's a lot easier to save up an emergency fund when you're sharing expenses.

[SKL]

There are things I am not sure how well I can teach, because I'd have to artificially create challenges for them to practice on.  Like how to properly handle oneself with alcohol (I don't drink) and how to manage through very tight financial times (my kids want for nothing material).  One hopes they learn the problem solving process without actually living each scenario.

[wintermom]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

True, but it's a lot easier to save up an emergency fund when you're sharing expenses.

Sometimes, but fewer people can also mean fewer expenses - less food, clothing, transportation needs, medical care, etc.

[SKL]

9 minutes ago, wintermom said:

Sometimes, but fewer people can also mean fewer expenses - less food, clothing, transportation needs, medical care, etc.

Housing is usually a pretty big chunk of an "independent person's" expenses.

There are other savings too.  For example, people can help each other with transportation on occasion vs. everyone needing their own mode.  People can babysit / cook for each other on occasion.  Food can be cheaper per ounce if bought in family size quantities (less risk of spoilage with more people).  Things not used frequently, such as a splint/boot/crutches for a sprain, can be shared.  Even clothes / footwear can be shared up to a point.

[wintermom]

5 hours ago, SKL said:

Housing is usually a pretty big chunk of an "independent person's" expenses.

There are other savings too.  For example, people can help each other with transportation on occasion vs. everyone needing their own mode.  People can babysit / cook for each other on occasion.  Food can be cheaper per ounce if bought in family size quantities (less risk of spoilage with more people).  Things not used frequently, such as a splint/boot/crutches for a sprain, can be shared.  Even clothes / footwear can be shared up to a point.

Definitely true about housing - and if someone wants their own quiet space it can be a huge challenge. There are definitely advantages to being able to share on food and transportation costs - as long as the people doing the sharing are part of the paying group. If these are minor children, then it's a whole different story. Then it's usually only 'baby bonus' income from the government where they can help out, and only up to a certain age.