Indigo Blue Posted March 27 Share Posted March 27 Today: Mom: I can’t spring clean. It’s too cold. This weather is driving me crazy. This rain is horrid. It will never stop so I can clean. It’s too cold to clean stuff out and take it out to the trash. Me: Do you mean it’s too cold to go outside to throw your trash in the trash can? Mom: Yes. Me: (Genuinely asking and not being sarcastic at all) Just the short distance from your back door to your trash can? (It’s less than 5 feet). Mom: I’m 81 years old. Just wait until you get this age. You’ll live long enough to see what it’s like. (In a rather mean tone). Me: Could you take everything to the back door that needs to be thrown out and ask John (my brother…fake name) to take it out? Mom: Oh… well…um…no it goes out to charity, etc. Me: Oh, ok, so John can just drop it off at the charity? And you don’t have to go outside, right? Mom: So did you say that ds (her grandson) is doing ok? (Quickly changes subject). This is all normal for her. It’s a yearly cycle. Complain about hot summer. Complain about holiday season. Complain about winter. Complain that there are no days for spring cleaning. (She has tons of good days to do this!) Complain that we had no spring at all and we just jumped in to hot summer. Now it’s too hot to clean stuff out. Rinse repeat ad nauseum for as long as I can remember. The EXACT same thing. Except now, add in the constant complaining that she is now 81 years old. I just need to vent this thought here. Heaven please forgive me. This woman works full time still. She is fully functional and able. No walker. No health problems outside of blood pressure. She does have anxiety and I’m sure this factors in. And I’m sure she is feeling her age, no doubt. But I have never, ever in my life heard anyone go on about their age the way she does. She reminds me of it constantly. And it’s like she’s throwing it at me and beating me over the head with it. She is constantly telling me to “just wait til you get old. You’ll see”. It’s awful. I have cleaned out stuff for her many times. It just gets cluttered up again in a few months. Then she starts complaining every spring about how the weather won’t cooperate so she can throw stuff away. It was a perfectly good suggestion to ask John to help. He lives there. She won’t ask. She just keeps complaining that she can’t spring clean. It is really bothersome that she is acting this way and how she is trying to make me feel terrified of aging. I’m angry because she is doing this (which I think is mean) and all the while she should really be grateful and happy because she really is doing great overall. Just angry and tired of it. Just needed to vent. Please just agree with me. Maybe I shouldn’t have this attitude, but JAWM anyway. Maybe I could feel less resentment and more sympathy if not for the fact that she is on a mission to not let me forget for one second that I, too, am going to soon be old, miserable, and feeble, just like her. It just seems so twisted and mean to me. And, again, she is doing pretty well for her age. Ugh. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted March 27 Author Share Posted March 27 Just….keep in mind that tomorrow she is going to drive to work at her full time job in the cold early morning weather, and she will walk out her back door and right past the trash can that she is claiming she can’t throw trash into because it’s too cold to walk out her back door…. 1 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted March 27 Share Posted March 27 I’ve known people who complain constantly and reflexively. And I’ve known really bitter old people. I find that they help me not to be that way. Because to a large extent it is a choice. Not entirely, but a lot. Especially when it’s that chronic. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted March 27 Share Posted March 27 One of my aunts just loved to whine and put people down. Your mom sounds similar. If it is not about aging it would be about something else. This aunt of mine had passed. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted March 27 Author Share Posted March 27 Just now, Carol in Cal. said: I’ve known people who complain constantly and reflexively. And I’ve known really bitter old people. I find that they help me not to be that way. Because to a large extent it is a choice. Not entirely, but a lot. Especially when it’s that chronic. Thank you. And you’re right. And I do feel that way. Just as being raised in the crazy made me not want to be that way as a parent. It really bothers me that she says things like…you”ll live long enough to know what it’s like to be old…in the tone that she says it. I think that is a horrid thing to say and I can not imagine ever saying such a thing to either of my sons. Not in a million years. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted March 27 Author Share Posted March 27 In case anyone is thinking I’m saying things to cause her to want to say these things, I’m not! Not at all. I have no desire to make her feel defensive about getting old. Not in the least. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bambam Posted March 27 Share Posted March 27 I'm afraid I tend to ignore those sorts of comments when they are continual and regular like that. Possibly sad, but it seems like there is no solution, so my response is, " I'm sorry to hear that" and change the subject. And sometimes I just zone out. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarita Posted March 27 Share Posted March 27 Yes, I'm just lucky I'm not related to them so I don't have to hang out with them. I absolutely feel for you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted March 27 Share Posted March 27 She just wanted to whinge. All you needed to do is agree the weather is rotten and that she's doing wonderfully despite her age. Without mentioning age, of course. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sneezyone Posted March 27 Share Posted March 27 (edited) Agree w/Rosie. No. I am in my late forties and gainfuly employed. My health issues occasionally interfere but not this much. Ever. Edited March 27 by Sneezyone 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted March 27 Author Share Posted March 27 9 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said: She just wanted to whinge. All you needed to do is agree the weather is rotten and that she's doing wonderfully despite her age. Without mentioning age, of course. Like 🙂 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted March 27 Share Posted March 27 28 minutes ago, Bambam said: I'm afraid I tend to ignore those sorts of comments when they are continual and regular like that. Possibly sad, but it seems like there is no solution, so my response is, " I'm sorry to hear that" and change the subject. And sometimes I just zone out. We do the same. I think I learned here (maybe not), not to say I'm sorry and to just say something like, "that's unfortunate" or something similar but I guess that's just semantics really. It is annoying, but when it's expected and frequent it's easier to just ignore it and move on. 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted March 27 Share Posted March 27 Is this a change in her behavior since she has gotten old? Hasn’t she always been a difficult person? I have only known people who are always difficult, or people where it’s a tragedy because it is not their true personality but a sign of something like dementia. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted March 27 Author Share Posted March 27 5 minutes ago, Lecka said: Is this a change in her behavior since she has gotten old? Hasn’t she always been a difficult person? No and yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted March 27 Share Posted March 27 (edited) We are at the point where people in their 80s were in their 20s during the Civil Rights Era. They don’t have an excuse to be racists, if they are racists they are just racists. It’s not inevitable that someone is going to have some difficult qualities just because they are older, and I don’t think people who have alwyas been difficult should get an excuse. I do believe in compassion and treating people well, and making allowances for people, and things like that. But if somebody has always been difficult, I don’t like to pretend like they are just old. I think it’s offensive to all the other old people going “why is this person acting this way??????” Edit: I don’t even really like talking about “old people,” in a way that might sound dismissive, I am more trying to say — let’s not lump people together into a group and have stereotypes about them. The “crotchety old person” thing is a stereotype. Edited March 27 by Lecka 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted March 27 Share Posted March 27 Like, I wouldn’t like it if someone said “have you heard a middle-aged white woman sound any more like a Karen than this?” It would come across to me like “oh all middle-aged white women are Karens to some extent, in your opinion.” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted March 27 Share Posted March 27 (edited) Indigo Blue, it really saddens me when I think it comes across like you are normalizing or rationalizing or making an excuse for your mom’s behavior. Her behavior is just not normal, regular behavior. It’s just not “a more exaggerated version of how everybody else is.” It’s not okay. I would encourage you to just say “here’s what she is doing now” — or something more like that. Edit — I do respect you for maintaining a relationship with this difficult parent you have got, and I am glad you have a place to talk about it. I would also respect you if you did change your boundaries in some way. Edited March 27 by Lecka 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted March 27 Share Posted March 27 11 minutes ago, Lecka said: Edit — I do respect you for maintaining a relationship with this difficult parent you have got, and I am glad you have a place to talk about it. I would also respect you if you did change your boundaries in some way. ❤️ 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 27 Share Posted March 27 (edited) I think it would help you to practice "smile and nod" at home between visits. By chance do you have autism (or suspected autism)? Because it feels like you have a need for things to be right / true, when sometimes it really doesn't matter. (ETA I thought of the autism thing because it runs in my family, and I'm pretty sure I have it too. I don't mean it as a put-down.) Edited March 27 by SKL 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted March 27 Author Share Posted March 27 8 minutes ago, SKL said: I think it would help you to practice "smile and nod" at home between visits. By chance do you have autism (or suspected autism)? Because it feels like you have a need for things to be right / true, when sometimes it really doesn't matter. (ETA I thought of the autism thing because it runs in my family, and I'm pretty sure I have it too. I don't mean it as a put-down.) I won’t say that it isn’t possible that I could be on the spectrum. And, of course, it’s not a put down. However, regardless, I see myself as a “truth teller” or a silent “truth knower “ more than anything and can see all the things that everyone else is blind to in my family. I also feel that my mother is being unusually cruel in her directing all this “you will see how it is to be old” stuff at me. She isn’t doing this to anyone else. It is possible that she is being passive aggressive. It feels that way, but, as usual it’s hard to tell. She absolutely has a history of that and does do that. My visits with her are very short. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kathyl Posted March 27 Share Posted March 27 Not that I can remember. No relatives, for sure. And I go to a small church gym with mostly old people using the machines and working the front desk. I never hear them complaining about getting old and some of them have some serious health problems, too. I hear them talking to each other about their diagnoses and their doctors in an informative way, not a complaining way. And sometimes I'll actually ask what their ailments are, and they give me a brief explanation. I don't know how you do it, IB, listening to all that complaining (and all the other things). I guess the end goal is to avoid cutting off contact with her maybe?? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted March 27 Share Posted March 27 Autism and this kind of trauma often look the same, so there's not really any point trying to figure out which is which. This is a "normal" nice person involved with a narcissistic person dynamic. If you can't tell if she's being passive aggressive or not, the best procedure is not to care. With narcissistic types, try to only give what doesn't cost you anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted March 27 Author Share Posted March 27 1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said: Autism and this kind of trauma often look the same, so there's not really any point trying to figure out which is which. Yes! I’ve read about this, Rosie. I started to mention that. Glad you did. It really is hard to know which is which. There is a Dr. Kim Sage on YouTube who talks about this a lot. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted March 27 Author Share Posted March 27 10 minutes ago, kathyl said: don't know how you do it, IB, listening to all that complaining (and all the other things). I The one I feel sorry for is my brother. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kathyl Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 3 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said: The one I feel sorry for is my brother. Yeah, I guess he's actually living with her and hears it nonstop. So sad. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted March 28 Author Share Posted March 28 34 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said: With narcissistic types, try to only give what doesn't cost you anything. So wise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 35 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said: . There is a Dr. Kim Sage on YouTube who talks about this a lot. I just found her on instagram and am following her now. Thanks for sharing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eos Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 (edited) 8 hours ago, kathyl said: Yeah, I guess he's actually living with her and hears it nonstop. So sad. Maybe - if she doesn't ask him to take out the garbage, maybe she doesn't do this to him. Indigo, I'm sorry. My blood pressure rises when my 95 year old mom complains, and it isn't nearly as bad as your mom. I would be finding ways to check out which wouldn't be good for me. Glad you're venting here, much healthier. Edited March 28 by Eos 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 In my head, I mostly just resolve that this person is this way and, at 81, (or whatever age), they are not going to have an epiphany of gratitude and stop complaining. I am not opposed to countering gently on a couple of things (similar to how you did) but, on the whole, I just say to myself, “Well, that’s just Joan.” Also, I mightily resolve that I will not become like that so long as I have all my mental faculties. Several years ago, I adopted the little mantra about, “There is no bad weather, only inappropriate clothing,” and so I will do many activities in many kinds of weather (nothing that would be dangerous, of course). I have a good rain jacket and waterproof hiking shoes and/or a good base layer, so I will still go out in weather many people would say is not hike-able. Besides, it makes a good story later! 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 It dawned on me at one point, that the specific whinge du jour really isn't about that topic, it's about the loss our elders are feeling. They may or may not be amenable to being gently steered to things for which they can choose gratitude, but if someone is feeling grief, discontent, etc., they would like you to either JAWthem or to murmur empathy, and occasionally, they might be persuaded to see things through gratitude...but we're not naturally wired to choose gratitude first. Trying to apply logic doesn't help. I do JAWyou that it is very taxing and corrosive. Sigh. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 has she always complained about things? is she depressed? this is one way it can manifest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 2 hours ago, Ginevra said: In my head, I mostly just resolve that this person is this way and, at 81, (or whatever age), they are not going to have an epiphany of gratitude and stop complaining. I am not opposed to countering gently on a couple of things (similar to how you did) but, on the whole, I just say to myself, “Well, that’s just Joan.” my grandmother complained about everything. One day, talking to dh, she complained about her dr appointment. The follow up with her oncologist who declared her cancer free after five years. (a type that even then had a low mortality/high cure rate). dh; "Oh, that's wonderful, you must be so happy to be cancer free". . . she couldn't get off the phone with him fast enough. She wanted to complain . . . she couldn't complain anymore about cancer . . . 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted March 28 Author Share Posted March 28 1 hour ago, Halftime Hope said: It dawned on me at one point, that the specific whinge du jour really isn't about that topic, it's about the loss our elders are feeling. I do understand that. I’m sure we all will feel this way to some extent. I guess that’s a normal part of life. My mom just doesn’t make it easy to sit down with and say, “I know your life is changing. You can take comfort in knowing that we are here to help keep you comfortable, busy, and supported in this phase of life.” She simply wants to drag you down into the depths of despair with her. It doesn’t feel loving and kind to say things that could make your own children have such a gloomy outlook on aging. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted March 28 Author Share Posted March 28 I think about when my sons will be old. I know I won’t be here. It sounds so weird, I know, unless…maybe others think these things….but it makes me sad to think they will be older and have parents that have passed on. Will they be ok? Will they be in a lot of pain? How I wish I could live forever and make sure they are ok. I’m more sad over their aging than I am my own. I just can’t understand how a mother can say such insensitive things. It comes up somehow at every turn. Then she finds a way to work in, “Just wait until you get to be my age.” I shouldn’t be surprised. There is a whole lifetime of her doing and saying mean things. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted March 28 Author Share Posted March 28 33 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said: has she always complained about things? is she depressed? this is one way it can manifest. Yes she has always complained. I don’t know whether she is actually depressed. She is not very receptive to treatment for her anxiety, and, if she were depressed, she would be dismissive of treatment for that, too. I have tried to have a few conversations with her about trying some anxiety meds. She won’t. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted March 28 Author Share Posted March 28 2 hours ago, Ginevra said: There is no bad weather, only inappropriate clothing,” This is so true. I have physical limitations that I am constantly trying to improve, and if I ever get to where I can hike for miles without pain….well, I have told myself many times how I would waste no time on minor discomforts such as rain if I were physically free from my limitations. I would be too happy and joyous to let that stop me. 🙂 My mom does not go out in the rain. If she knows, even now, that I am, she might say, “But it’s raining. Why don’t you go tomorrow?” (This is why I could never leave the house much as a teen. Always some reason….weather, traffic, etc. why I could not go out). Today I still have an appreciation for being able to leave my house in whatever conditions or situations I need to or want to …at my own free will. Sometimes I think….yep, it’s raining! And look! I’m going out to the store and no one is going to stop me! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted March 28 Author Share Posted March 28 I’m taking notes and paying attention to how mom’s negativity is affecting me. I find myself thinking …well, mom, you may not be around to see, but I will take care of myself and stay strong. I will get outside even if it’s hard. I will do what I can to stay active for as long as possible as I am able. You will not be able to say I told you so, even if only in my head, as long as I can do things to keep healthy. Yes, I am going out in this rain. In this heat. In this school traffic. And I will most likely be ok. There is no reason to let rain or anything else keep me inside. Mom, you have said many bad things about this person. But I am going to ignore that because you are not a reliable source. I am going to give this person the benefit of the doubt unless or when I see these things for myself. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
almondbutterandjelly Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 My mom was a bit like this. Do you remember that Debbie Downer character from Saturday Night Live? That was her exactly. ((hugs)) As she got older and meaner, the things I said to myself when I absolutely had to deal with her were "I can be kind. I can be kind." I only saw her or talked to her when I absolutely had to. Unfortunately, that was doctor appointments as dad couldn't drive her anymore, and she couldn't drive herself. She's dead now. Things are better. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danae Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 I think you would benefit by not taking anything she says personally. No, she’s not kind to you. She never has been and she isn’t going to start now. This is going to sound like I’m criticizing your posting, but I’m not, I promise. Over and over you post threads that are “Can you believe my mother did/said ______. Yes, we all can believe it, because that’s who she is. It’s glaringly obvious to anyone who reads your threads. I hope that you will get to the point where you don’t post this type of thread, NOT because it’s wrong that you’re doing it now but because you’ve made it to the point that you no longer need reassurance that she’s the one who’s “off” not you. My hope for you is that someday when she says these things you will snort to yourself “pfft, there she goes again” and have forgotten it by the time you get home and could post about it. Her nonsense doesn’t deserve the space it’s taking up in your heart. 11 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberia Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 (edited) I think you're doing just fine with your difficult person. You still come around, but you limit exposure and refuse to buy in to her worldview. I know it bugs you, and it might always be that way because you don't have the same worldview. Good for you. You might come up with a catchphrase to repeat, just like the complaining about age/everything is her catchphrase. "Yes, Mom, I see that getting older has been hard for you." or "Yes mom, I see that it has been difficult for you to age gracefully."(might be a touch snarky). Or, "I see that going out in the rain has been stressful for you." She's trying to pin the difficulty with aging (or anything she complains about) on you. I'd put it right back on her. That it's her difficulty. She won't change, and you may not want to engage, but it might help you deal with her. Edited March 28 by Tiberia 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janeway Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 She sounds sad. And 81 years old, I would imagine she is tired. I only wish I could go back in time and have more sympathy for my mom when she would be down like this. If I were you, I would have compassion. I am only in my 50's, but I have felt the slow down in the last couple years. It is really getting me down and I think I am finally "getting it" on how much more I should have been patient and compassionate. It is too late for me with my parents, but you still have time. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted March 28 Author Share Posted March 28 18 minutes ago, Danae said: I think you would benefit by not taking anything she says personally. No, she’s not kind to you. She never has been and she isn’t going to start now. This is going to sound like I’m criticizing your posting, but I’m not, I promise. Over and over you post threads that are “Can you believe my mother did/said ______. Yes, we all can believe it, because that’s who she is. It’s glaringly obvious to anyone who reads your threads. I hope that you will get to the point where you don’t post this type of thread, NOT because it’s wrong that you’re doing it now but because you’ve made it to the point that you no longer need reassurance that she’s the one who’s “off” not you. My hope for you is that someday when she says these things you will snort to yourself “pfft, there she goes again” and have forgotten it by the time you get home and could post about it. Her nonsense doesn’t deserve the space it’s taking up in your heart. Thats’s not critical. It’s incredibly helpful. Thanks. You gave me good advice. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted March 28 Author Share Posted March 28 8 minutes ago, Tiberia said: I think you're doing just fine with your difficult person. You still come around, but you limit exposure and refuse to buy in to her worldview. I know it bugs you, and it might always be that way because you don't have the same worldview. Good for you. You might come up with a catchphrase to repeat, just like the complaining about age/everything is her catchphrase. "Yes, Mom, I see that getting older has been hard for you." or "Yes mom, I see that it has been difficult for you to age gracefully."(might be a touch snarky). Or, "I see that going out in the rain has been stressful for you." She's trying to pin the difficulty with aging (or anything she complains about) on you. I'd put it right back on her. That it's her difficulty. She won't change, and you may not want to engage, but it might help you deal with her. Thank you. Yes to the bolded. I seem to be the one she dumps all her negativity on to, with some passive aggression thrown in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 1 hour ago, Indigo Blue said: Yes she has always complained. I don’t know whether she is actually depressed. She is not very receptive to treatment for her anxiety, and, if she were depressed, she would be dismissive of treatment for that, too. I have tried to have a few conversations with her about trying some anxiety meds. She won’t. One very mild possibility would be magnesium supplements. They have a very zen effect. Fabulous muscle relaxer, deepens sleep beautifully, and helps with gut health. It may take the edge off her anxiety, too, but you don't have to tell her that. That said, I agree with the others on this thread. It's not really about getting old. It's about being miserable and protecting the misery--she doesn't actually want to feel better. She wants you to agree with her. Might be about control, might just be about being miserable. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hshibley Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 (edited) 1 hour ago, Janeway said: She sounds sad. And 81 years old, I would imagine she is tired. I only wish I could go back in time and have more sympathy for my mom when she would be down like this. If I were you, I would have compassion. I am only in my 50's, but I have felt the slow down in the last couple years. It is really getting me down and I think I am finally "getting it" on how much more I should have been patient and compassionate. It is too late for me with my parents, but you still have time. This. She’s 81 years old and working full time. That’s exhausting. My dad’s that age and in relatively good health I can imagine him working full time and having energy left for much else. I think as people age they become somewhat of caricature of themselves. If she was always somewhat negative now she’s just more so. You need to let it go. Edited March 28 by hshibley Spelling 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 I have an 88yo aunt who constantly complains about how hard it is to get old but 1. She's in the early stages of dementia and repeats her age complaints all day long, and 2. She's always been a complainer. I don't remember a time in my life when Aunt *** didn't have something to complain about. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted March 28 Author Share Posted March 28 3 minutes ago, hshibley said: This. She’s 81 years old and working full time. That’s exhausting. My dad’s that age and in relatively good health I can imagine him working full time and having energy left for much else. I think as people age they become somewhat of caracturer of themselves. If she was always somewhat negative now she’s just more so. You need to let it go. Just for further clarification, my mom chooses to keep working. She could have retired a long time ago. She lives within two miles of where she works. She has been told she can come and go as she pleases and work when she wants. She considered going part time a few months ago. She decided to stay full time. She isn’t working herself terribly hard anymore, although she once did there. She really has been lucky that she has been in this situation, and continuing to work under the circumstances and conditions that she is working under is actually good for her, IMO. She would have quit long ago if she had really wanted to. She does the more unpleasant (but not strenuous) jobs there that my golden child brother will not or does not want to do. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 3 hours ago, Indigo Blue said: It sounds so weird, I know, unless…maybe others think these things….but it makes me sad to think they will be older and have parents that have passed on. My husband has two aunts that passed from cancer. His grandmother attended her daughter’s funeral for the first case. For the other aunt, his grandmother already had dementia when the aunt was diagnosed. I have a cousin (early 20s) that died in a house fire, one (early 20s) that died of leukemia, another (40s) died of heart attack. It is very hard on the parents and other relatives. One of my uncles (50s) died of heart attack while my grandmother was alive. I am 51 and my middle school classmates were discussing in our WhatsApp group about parents passing. Many of us have lost a parent while some have parents with dementia. The consensus was that the last 10 years of life is the most exhausting health wise for the person and their caregivers. It is worse for the caregivers (mentally and emotionally) if the person has dementia for a very long time. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 2 hours ago, Indigo Blue said: I seem to be the one she dumps all her negativity on to, with some passive aggression thrown in. She probably needs to put down someone to feel good. My dysfunctional relatives would do that to anyone other than their favorites. They would go for their easiest targets to put down and do that in a snarky or passive aggressive way. The best way to deal with my relatives was to totally ignore their presence or to “retaliate”. My relatives would find easier targets elsewhere though if we push back. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted April 1 Share Posted April 1 On 3/28/2024 at 7:36 AM, Indigo Blue said: I think about when my sons will be old. I know I won’t be here. It sounds so weird, I know, unless…maybe others think these things….but it makes me sad to think they will be older and have parents that have passed on. Will they be ok? Will they be in a lot of pain? How I wish I could live forever and make sure they are ok. I’m more sad over their aging than I am my own. I just can’t understand how a mother can say such insensitive things. It comes up somehow at every turn. Then she finds a way to work in, “Just wait until you get to be my age.” I shouldn’t be surprised. There is a whole lifetime of her doing and saying mean things. She IS genuinely being mean. She wants you to be as miserable as she is. That's why she says it. She's not a nice person. I'm sorry life gave you this mom. You do deserve better. And you can't make her be nice. One thing to remember...she doesn't want a solution. She doesn't want you to fix it or give her any ideas. She simply wants to mourn that "Life is impossible and I hate that I'm old and you're not." So stop offering solutions. Stop suggesting stuff or giving ideas. When she says "It stinks that I can't take out the trash because it's too cold." Your response is "Oh that's rotten. Guess it'll just pile up till the weather improves. Did you know that I had the most amazing blueberry muffin from the bakery today." Just agree or sympathize with every complaint she offers. If you offer ideas and suggestions, she's going to use that opportunity to put you down and say a mean thing. So don't do that. (Sorry this is late. I've been off the boards for Lent) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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