More venting about inlaws

[Grace Hopper]

Any update? I keep thinking about her. 

[saraha]

Hospital refused to keep her. They only due outpatient colonoscopies apparently and even though she has blood in her stool, her numbers weren’t too bad. They gave her iv fluids, a potassium prescription and that’s pretty much it. She is home now. 

[cintinative]

2 minutes ago, saraha said:

Hospital refused to keep her. They only due outpatient colonoscopies apparently and even though she has blood in her stool, her numbers weren’t too bad. They gave her iv fluids, a potassium prescription and that’s pretty much it. She is home now. 

Did your in laws take her? I am wondering if the c-diff history was mentioned. 

[saraha]

Just now, cintinative said:

Did your in laws take her? I am wondering if the c-diff history was mentioned. 

They did, same hospital as the last two times. No idea if it was discussed, but when she was there a few days ago they tested

[saraha]

I just don’t know where to go next. Her doctor said she’d call and try to have her admitted, but the hospital refused. Not sure what else can be done, it’s so frustrating. If they won’t keep her, then she just continues with the diarrhea and that seems wrong 

[cintinative]

No answers but praying right now for you and yours

[Starr]

See what her doctor says tomorrow. Hugs to you. 

[Carol in Cal.]

The potassium will really help avoid some of the worst danger from this, so that’s good.

[Grace Hopper]

Are you in a rural area with a small hospital? Is there a larger regional hospital you could take her to?

It could be that the insurance is not approving a stay. I’d want to know why they aren’t wanting to keep her, given that her physician is requesting it. While it’s true that incontinence is part of late stage dementia, copious bloody stool is a beyond simple incontinence. Perhaps they’re short of beds and/or staff. 
 

In your shoes my next step would be to find out exactly why they won’t admit her beyond the emergency department. How that question is answered would determine my next steps. 

[Kassia]

I'm sorry.  I'm glad they did treat her a bit and prescribed the potassium and hope this can all be resolved tomorrow.  😞 I feel terrible about all of this @saraha

[LifeLovePassion]

I hope today is going better.

[saraha]

23 hours ago, LifeLovePassion said:

I hope today is going better.

I honestly don’t know. I’m not on the group chat and the only thing dh has said is that sil wanted to know if since I don’t go to church (but I do work on Sundays) if I could go over every Sunday to get her ready for church (shower, dressed, hair) and to suggest that we all take turns going over at night to get her ready for bed. I do t know what to say to this. I don’t want to do it, but that feels mean, like I don’t care enough about mil and fil to do what they want/need because it’s inconvenient. At the same time, I don’t want to go over and take care of her 2 nights a week and Sunday mornings. I feel selfish, but maybe not selfish enough to agree. She mentioned it to dh Thursday but hasn’t said anything since. I asked if he checked in with them yesterday as I left the house that morning at 9 and didn’t get home til 10pm. He said he hadn’t.

[Melissa in Australia]

I suggest stay feeling selfish.. You go to work on Sunday. 

❤️❤️❤️❤️

Edited September 23, 2023 by Melissa in Australia

[saraha]

6 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

I suggest stay feeling selfish.. You go to work on Sunday. 

❤️❤️❤️❤️

Ugh, this so stinks. I dont work til 11:30 so I absolutely have time to do it if I don’t make our traditional brunch. But I just don’t waannnttt to. I’m not good with hair, dont know how to style it with a blow dryer, and I like our family brunch time. Especially since my college girls are home this weekend and I will only see them in the morning before I have to go to work.  I can hear all the arguments now, we all work, well I’ve got grandkids, I am over there several days a week as it is, etc. It just comes down to I do t really want to clean up diarrhea and hear critiques on clothes etc

Edited September 23, 2023 by saraha

[Terabith]

No. Just say no. Do not prop up a family system that is trying to keep her away from the health care (nursing home) that she needs.  Your immediate family needs all of your attention. 

[Melissa in Australia]

I would suggest that family brunch time is extremely important to your family that is already under a lot of stress.. Believe me, that time will always be remembered as important family time when your kids grow up and leave home.. It happens all too quickly. 

[Shoeless]

Don't do it. You will get caught up in the shit show. Literally. 

[Faith-manor]

Please, Saraha, pull the plug. Tell them no. Tell them you are done, very very done. Do not participate in their system which is preventing your MIL from being cared for properly, and is causing her to be neglected. Just stand strong! We are with you.

[Catwoman]

JUST SAY NO.

If you're feeling guilty about saying no, remember that every time you say YES, you are enabling them to avoid doing what should actually be done to properly care for your MIL. She obviously needs to be in a care facility or have 24/7 in-home aides, and the only way the family will ever come to terms with that is if they are the ones who are constantly dealing with things like diarrhea cleanup and getting your MIL washed, dressed, and fed.

 

[prairiewindmomma]

33 minutes ago, Terabith said:

 Do not prop up a family system that is trying to keep her away from the health care (nursing home) that she needs.  

I feel like this needs to be taped to your fridge for daily reference. 

[TravelingChris]

1 minute ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I feel like this needs to be taped to your fridge for daily reference. 

Yes

[prairiewindmomma]

Remember that it has been their choice to keep her home, their choice to not pay enough to get quality care, and so on. Yes, home care takes up hours of their time, and they want to dump some of that work load on you.....but none of them would have to do anything other than visit and occasionally field an issue with the charge nurse at the nursing home if they would get her somewhere with 24 hour nursing care.  If you put her into hospice care at the nursing home, it would end all of the disorienting trips to the hospital also.  She could still get quality of life care as needed without constant emergencies that you and others have to step in for. She would have proper meals, she could be showered and cared for in a proper room, and someone else could clean up after her (on tile or laminate floors and not shag carpet).

[LifeLovePassion]

Another "no" vote. You would only be enabling the delusional thinking that everything is ok and if everyone just does a little more, MIL will be fine. I'm so sorry, it is such a hard place to be in. Not wanting to enable doesn't mean you don't love your MIL. 

Edited September 23, 2023 by LifeLovePassion

[kbutton]

Working and having grandkids does not equal retooling an entire life around low vision/legal blindness in an area without services or public transportation. I wouldn’t say that to them, but I think you need to hear it. You are dealing with enough. You already do more than I would be willing to do in such circumstances.

They made their choice, they can live with it. 

[bolt.]

You could say, "I'm the one who thinks she deserves professional 24 hour nursing care. If you guys don't think she deserves that care, then, I'm sorry, the care hours are your responsibility not mine."

[prairiewindmomma]

1 minute ago, kbutton said:

Working and having grandkids does not equal retooling an entire life around low vision/legal blindness in an area without services or public transportation. I wouldn’t say that to them, but I think you need to hear it. You are dealing with enough. You already do more than I would be willing to do in such circumstances.

They made their choice, they can live with it. 

A-freaking-men.

[Tiberia]

They’re trying to get you to be the home health aide. Don’t do it. Keep your boundaries firm. 

[QueenCat]

1 hour ago, saraha said:

I honestly don’t know. I’m not on the group chat and the only thing dh has said is that sil wanted to know if since I don’t go to church (but I do work on Sundays) if I could go over every Sunday to get her ready for church (shower, dressed, hair) and to suggest that we all take turns going over at night to get her ready for bed. I do t know what to say to this. I don’t want to do it, but that feels mean, like I don’t care enough about mil and fil to do what they want/need because it’s inconvenient. At the same time, I don’t want to go over and take care of her 2 nights a week and Sunday mornings. I feel selfish, but maybe not selfish enough to agree. She mentioned it to dh Thursday but hasn’t said anything since. I asked if he checked in with them yesterday as I left the house that morning at 9 and didn’t get home til 10pm. He said he hadn’t.

That would be a hard "NO" for me. Just have your dh say it doesn't fit with your schedule. 

[Starr]

Any one of them could go over Sunday morning and get her dressed and get them all to church. It’s certainly not any more difficult than you doing it and then going to work 

[QueenCat]

1 hour ago, saraha said:

Ugh, this so stinks. I dont work til 11:30 so I absolutely have time to do it if I don’t make our traditional brunch. But I just don’t waannnttt to. I’m not good with hair, dont know how to style it with a blow dryer, and I like our family brunch time. Especially since my college girls are home this weekend and I will only see them in the morning before I have to go to work.  I can hear all the arguments now, we all work, well I’ve got grandkids, I am over there several days a week as it is, etc. It just comes down to I do t really want to clean up diarrhea and hear critiques on clothes etc

Again, NO. You have other commitments. Doesn't matter what other people need to do. This is not an essential activity for mil to get to. Save doing extra for when it's essential.

[QueenCat]

57 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

JUST SAY NO.

If you're feeling guilty about saying no, remember that every time you say YES, you are enabling them to avoid doing what should actually be done to properly care for your MIL. She obviously needs to be in a care facility or have 24/7 in-home aides, and the only way the family will ever come to terms with that is if they are the ones who are constantly dealing with things like diarrhea cleanup and getting your MIL washed, dressed, and fed.

 

 

This 100000%

[Corraleno]

2 hours ago, saraha said:

that feels mean, like I don’t care enough about mil and fil to do what they want/need because it’s inconvenient. 

No, the issue is that you DO care enough about your MIL that you refuse to enable the people who are depriving her of the care she really needs. THEY are the ones being selfish, here, not you, because they are putting their own desires above what MIL needs. You contributing to this totally dysfunctional "system" they have set up will do nothing but prolong MIL's suffering. 

[saraha]

1 hour ago, kbutton said:

Working and having grandkids does not equal retooling an entire life around low vision/legal blindness in an area without services or public transportation. I wouldn’t say that to them, but I think you need to hear it. You are dealing with enough. You already do more than I would be willing to do in such circumstances.

They made their choice, they can live with it. 

Thank you for saying this. Sometimes it’s the frog in the hot water, right?

Thank you all for helping me remember to be strong about this!

I told dh tonight I really don’t want to do that. He was like, you probably won’t have to give her a shower, just get her dressed and comb her hair. I responded that the hha is only there half the time and not on Saturday so she won’t have had a shower since Friday earliest and she wears diapers, she’ll need a shower. He then responded, well they’re probably not going tomorrow anyway, dad is having his wrist xrayed.  I asked did he get his ribs too? I told you and sil that he admitted to falling in the barn the other day… he said no, the ribs aren’t bothering him as much as his wrist. Turns out it is just sprained but no carrying anything with that hand for a few weeks… so not sure how he’s going to pull mil off the couch to go to the bathroom or move around the house now, since they didn’t like my suggestion of a power lift chair…

So anyway, thanks for helping me remember to hold the line

[Grace Hopper]

6 hours ago, saraha said:

Ugh, this so stinks. I dont work til 11:30 so I absolutely have time to do it if I don’t make our traditional brunch. But I just don’t waannnttt to. I’m not good with hair, dont know how to style it with a blow dryer, and I like our family brunch time. Especially since my college girls are home this weekend and I will only see them in the morning before I have to go to work.  I can hear all the arguments now, we all work, well I’ve got grandkids, I am over there several days a week as it is, etc. It just comes down to I do t really want to clean up diarrhea and hear critiques on clothes etc

Just say no. Look how stressed you are over the thought of it. 
 

I forsook time with my kids to provide elder care, and regret the impact it had on them. I did it in home because, for many reasons, there were no other options. 
 

Your in laws have options they are choosing not to pursue. And they are pursuing events that are actually optional (outings and such for mil).
 

You have so much on your plate. Your nuclear family and dh’s recent vision loss (and ongoing developments on that front) require attention only you can give them. And you DO already contribute, by bringing food and institutions [eta instructions , not institutions] to the HHA. You’re not doing “nothing” now.
 

Preserve your respite time.  
 

ETA if you were doing nothing, I’d encourage you to do your part. But you are already doing your part, and likely more. Do not heap guilt upon yourself. 

Edited September 24, 2023 by Grace Hopper

[Catwoman]

23 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Just say no. Look how stressed you are over the thought of it. 
 

I forsook time with my kids to provide elder care, and regret the impact it had on them. I did it in home because, for many reasons, there were no other options. 
 

Your in laws have options they are choosing not to pursue. And they are pursuing events that are actually optional (outings and such for mil).
 

You have so much on your plate. Your nuclear family and dh’s recent vision loss (and ongoing developments on that front) require attention only you can give them. And you DO already contribute, by bringing food and institutions to the HHA. You’re not doing “nothing” now.
 

Preserve your respite time.  
 

ETA if you were doing nothing, I’d encourage you to do your part. But you are already doing your part, and likely more. Do not heap guilt upon yourself. 

I agree with everything you said, except that I wouldn't encourage Sarah to do anything extra for her MIL under any circumstances. In fact, I would encourage her to keep doing LESS.

I'm not saying that because I'm coldhearted and don't care about her MIL. I'm saying it because I think that the more Sarah does, the less likely it is that her MIL will ever get the professional care she truly needs. The poor woman is really suffering here, all because her so-called loved ones are refusing to acknowledge that she needs far more help than the family can give her. 😞 

[Faith-manor]

3 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

Just say no. Look how stressed you are over the thought of it. 
 

I forsook time with my kids to provide elder care, and regret the impact it had on them. I did it in home because, for many reasons, there were no other options. 
 

Your in laws have options they are choosing not to pursue. And they are pursuing events that are actually optional (outings and such for mil).
 

You have so much on your plate. Your nuclear family and dh’s recent vision loss (and ongoing developments on that front) require attention only you can give them. And you DO already contribute, by bringing food and institutions to the HHA. You’re not doing “nothing” now.
 

Preserve your respite time.  
 

ETA if you were doing nothing, I’d encourage you to do your part. But you are already doing your part, and likely more. Do not heap guilt upon yourself. 

This right here. I allowed guilt and manipulation to rule me, and my kids, especially my middle son, suffered because of it. I had to rebuild my relationship with him, and earn his trust again. We are good now. But honestly, I can hardly live with myself over it. Every time we are together there are subtle reminders that if he were not such an amazing, forgiving kid, I would be dead to him. I also threw my marriage under the bus for eldercare, and it is ONLY the fact that my long suffering husband was willing to let a tremendous load of sh#t go by, and didn't make me grovel when I realized it, that we are still married and in a good place today.

The reality is also that in times past, the elderly did not receive devoted nursing from their relatives and often did die much more quickly due to the lack of care. No one could raise kids, raise food, cook over open fires, put up the harvest, haul water, do all the things required just to live AND provide nursing care to elders for years and years. It is a modern phenomenon due to medical advances that allow folks to live indefinitely as invalids. We are struggling as a society to adjust to this, and many families have very unrealistic expectations about aging in place. It is really tough to sort out.

But don't throw your kids and your own health under the bus. Stay strong. Be done! She requires 24/7 nursing staff. Do not participate in advancing their delusions.

 

Edited September 24, 2023 by Faith-manor
Typos

[City Mouse]

Not exactly the same situation, but I have a difficult mother who could not admit to the amount of care she really needed and expected her kids to do everything for her.  
I learned to say “ You are legally allowed to make those decisions even though I do not agree with your choice; however, I am not required to help you do things that I do not agree with”. 

I agree with everyone else that you need to hold firm and not help them maintain a situation that you think is wrong for you MIL. 
 

[Carol in Cal.]

Don’t even consider the Sunday morning gig.  That’s ridiculous.

Someone who is going to take her to church with them would be the much more logical person to get her ready to go.

Just say, “I have regular Sunday morning plans, including getting myself to work, and it would be way too stressful to add this to my schedule.  I can’t possibly do this.”  And stick to it.

Regarding the evenings, I don’t know.  It might be good to be over there once a week on a regular basis to have eyes on what is going on.  Or not.

 

[elegantlion]

"I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me." a full and complete sentence. 

How dare they schedule your time for you. Yes, you care about your MIL, but as others have stated, you're enabling them if you agree to do it because she needs to be in a facility with better care or have in-home MEDICAL staff, not just family. 

Part of loving family is being unwilling to allow yourself to be manipulated by the drama.

 

[Grace Hopper]

2 hours ago, Catwoman said:

I agree with everything you said, except that I wouldn't encourage Sarah to do anything extra for her MIL under any circumstances. In fact, I would encourage her to keep doing LESS.

I'm not saying that because I'm coldhearted and don't care about her MIL. I'm saying it because I think that the more Sarah does, the less likely it is that her MIL will ever get the professional care she truly needs. The poor woman is really suffering here, all because her so-called loved ones are refusing to acknowledge that she needs far more help than the family can give her. 😞 

To clarify, when I say “doing your part” I don’t mean doing an equal share of caregiving tasks. I mean social kind of visits to show affection, and to get eyes on the situation. Perhaps ringing food occasionally, like any of us might do for elders who no longer cook. Definitely not meaning nursing or crap clean up duties!  I agree that alleviating that problem only prolongs mil from getting the actual level of care needed. 
 

And yes, when declining, keep it simple. You can say, “I’m not able to do that” and leave out any apology or reasons. 

Edited September 24, 2023 by Grace Hopper

[Spryte]

Say no. That won’t work for you.

[saraha]

For sure I’m not doing it tomorrow. Since I started working five days a week, I have really missed being home with my family more and we have sort of fallen into this brunch pattern, me making a big meal and all of us sitting around the table before I leave for work. We do t sit around the table as much as we did when the kids were all younger and all living at home and it gives us a good time to make team goals, find out what everyone needs to do the following week, who needs to be where etc and I really don’t want to give that up. I could go over there and get her ready for church, but that would pretty much eliminate any family time together that day.

. I’m also kind of put off about it as they all had OPINIONS about us not attending a church when we left our last one and now I’m feeling like, oh, it’s ok now that I might be able to do something for you. When my dh opened up to his db and ds about something we were going through with one of our children, the literal first thing out of sil’s mouth was well if you would have kept them in church… dh has not shared one single personal thing with them since. Hence feeling sensitive about her taking advantage of our not attending church.

So I’m not doing it. Period. She hasn’t texted to ask if I’m coming and dh said they left it at “Would Sarah be willing to do this?” And dh said I’ll ask her. Nothing else was said so I don’t feel I need to text her, especially since she doesn’t text me directly, only through dh.

So I’m not doing it.

I did tell dh that if going over a couple of nights a week entitled literally helping her get her nightgown on and tucking her into bed and didn’t take longer than 20 minutes, I would be willing to do that. He said she hadn’t followed up yet with that either, so I’m not going to reach out, but if she does ask again, I’m going to agree to two nights a week that I choose since I’m the one who still has kids in evening activities.

[Starr]

It sounds like you will be cooking, cleaning and putting her to bed. Oh and showering her first. Let them do it for a couple of weeks and see how that goes. 

[Shoeless]

4 hours ago, saraha said:

I did tell dh that if going over a couple of nights a week entitled literally helping her get her nightgown on and tucking her into bed and didn’t take longer than 20 minutes, I would be willing to do that. He said she hadn’t followed up yet with that either, so I’m not going to reach out, but if she does ask again, I’m going to agree to two nights a week that I choose since I’m the one who still has kids in evening activities.

I'd be surprised if getting her to bed only took 20 minutes. Maybe the first few times it might be quick, but there will be a steady creep of responsibilities. "Oh, I couldn't get her showered and anyway, it doesn't make sense to shower and put on regular clothes when you're coming by to put on pj's. You don't mind helping her shower, do you?" 

"Oh, I couldn't get her to taker her pills/eat dinner. You don't mind doing that real quick, do you? I have to run, and I know you're busy, but she really needs her pills and dinner, so..."

And what happens if she's having a bad night, and you can't get her to settle into bed easily? 

If you give an inch, they will take a mile and stick you with all of her care, (while complaining about your effort, too, because that's usually how these things go). 

Edited September 24, 2023 by Shoeless

[Catwoman]

2 hours ago, saraha said:

I did tell dh that if going over a couple of nights a week entitled literally helping her get her nightgown on and tucking her into bed and didn’t take longer than 20 minutes, I would be willing to do that. He said she hadn’t followed up yet with that either, so I’m not going to reach out, but if she does ask again, I’m going to agree to two nights a week that I choose since I’m the one who still has kids in evening activities.

I feel like you keep shooting yourself in the foot here, because you don't seem to be able to allow yourself to just say no.

I'm so glad you're not going to give up your Sunday mornings, but why would you agree to 2 nights a week? More importantly, why would you volunteer for two nights a week? 

I really wish you could find a way to stop feeling obligated to help care for your MIL, when you know it will only lead to more demands from your in-laws. And it's not like you live some sort of magical, stress-free life; you have a lot on your plate already, so caring for your MIL is taking time and energy away from your own DH and kids. 

And not for anything, but it doesn't seem like your SIL and BIL are volunteering to help your DH with much of anything, and don't even seem particularly sympathetic to the very traumatic loss of his vision -- and your DH has been nothing but good to them. If I were in your shoes, I would keep that in mind when the in-laws are asking for all kinds of free labor to care for your MIL. 

Have you ever considered saying you're not helping any more because you firmly believe your MIL needs 24/7 professional care, and that there's no way the family can provide that level of assistance to keep her healthy and comfortable? Basically, if they want to keep her at home and they think they can take care of her... great! Let them do it. See how long that lasts without you there to do a lot of the hard work, especially if she keeps having the diarrhea. You can pop in and visit when it's convenient for you, and if you want to stop in with a meal here and there, you can do that, too, but I wouldn't commit to anything specific. 

Maybe I'm too harsh, but this has been going on for so long, and you and your dh keep getting taken advantage of. I feel so badly for you guys! 😞 

 

Edited September 24, 2023 by Catwoman
I can't type tonight!

[itsheresomewhere]

“Sure, I’ll help you with this in the best way I can-  here is a list of care places/agencies for the area.  I would call soon if I were you to get her the care she needs.”

And repeat this every single time they ask.  Make a copy of the list and copy/paste it in text or email evenhanded time. It is ok to say no to family. 

[Kassia]

30 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

I really wish you could find a way to stop feeling obligated to help care for your MIL, when you know it will only lead to more demands from your in-laws. And it's not like you live some sort of magical, stress-free life; you have a lot on your plate already, so caring for your MIL is taking time and energy away from your own DH and kids. 

And not for anything, but it doesn't seem like your SIL and BIL are volunteering to help your DH with much of anything, and don't even seem particularly sympathetic to the very traumatic loss of his vision -- and your DH has been nothing but good to them. If I were in your shoes, I would keep that in mind when the in-laws are asking for all kinds of free labor to care for your MIL. 

Have you ever considered saying you're not helping any more because you firmly believe your MIL needs 24/7 professional care, and that there's no way the family can provide that level of assistance to keep her healthy and comfortable? Basically, if they want to keep her at home and they think they can take care of her... great! Let them do it. See how long that lasts without you there to do a lot of the hard work, especially if she keeps having the diarrhea. You can pop in and visit when it's convenient for you, and if you want to stop in with a meal here and there, you can do that, too, but I wouldn't commit to anything specific. 

Maybe I'm too harsh, but this has been going on for so long, and you and your dh keep getting taken advantage of. I feel so badly for you guys! 😞 

 

I agree with all of this and Catwoman said it better than I could.  I do feel terrible for you and DH - what a tough situation for you and it just never ends.  It has to be so stressful.  I'm very sorry about it all.

[Innisfree]

16 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Have you ever considered saying you're not helping any more because you firmly believe your MIL needs 24/7 professional care, and that there's no way the family can provide that level of assistance to keep her healthy and comfortable?

This, right here, is what I was wondering also.

Sarah, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I agree that your Sunday mornings should not be changed. You need that family time.

I forget, why don’t they want to put her in professional nursing care? Is it because of cost, or because of a perception that she’s better off at home? I think a rotation of visits to her in a nursing facility, randomly timed, would be much easier for the family to pull off than managing her care at home is. That way they could make sure she was being well cared for.

At the moment, her needs aren’t being met. They made the decision to keep her in this situation, but they’re asking you to enable it. Nope, not participating in that.

[Shoeless]

@saraha I wonder if you are worried your in-laws will say you are mean, uncaring, unloving, selfish if you say no to caring for MIL? And that if they say it, it must be true? 

Because I don't think that's true at all. You obviously care so much and love your MIL. Even if your snotty SIL said you were unloving, selfish, or mean, it wouldn't be true.   

 

[saraha]

7 hours ago, Shoeless said:

I'd be surprised if getting her to bed only took 20 minutes. Maybe the first few times it might be quick, but there will be a steady creep of responsibilities. "Oh, I couldn't get her showered and anyway, it doesn't make sense to shower and put on regular clothes when you're coming by to put on pj's. You don't mind helping her shower, do you?" 

"Oh, I couldn't get her to taker her pills/eat dinner. You don't mind doing that real quick, do you? I have to run, and I know you're busy, but she really needs her pills and dinner, so..."

And what happens if she's having a bad night, and you can't get her to settle into bed easily? 

If you give an inch, they will take a mile and stick you with all of her care, (while complaining about your effort, too, because that's usually how these things go). 

I didn’t even think of this possibility. Thanks for pointing it out

6 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

And not for anything, but it doesn't seem like your SIL and BIL are volunteering to help your DH with much of anything, and don't even seem particularly sympathetic to the very traumatic loss of his vision -- and your DH has been nothing but good to them. If I were in your shoes, I would keep that in mind when the in-laws are asking for all kinds of free labor to care for your MIL. 

Hey, yeah!

5 hours ago, Innisfree said:

This, right here, is what I was wondering also.

Sarah, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I agree that your Sunday mornings should not be changed. You need that family time.

I forget, why don’t they want to put her in professional nursing care? Is it because of cost, or because of a perception that she’s better off at home? I think a rotation of visits to her in a nursing facility, randomly timed, would be much easier for the family to pull off than managing her care at home is. That way they could make sure she was being well cared for.

At the moment, her needs aren’t being met. They made the decision to keep her in this situation, but they’re asking you to enable it. Nope, not participating in that.

Fil absolutely refuses to even consider it. I think because she can’t express pain, discomfort, feeling unwell, he just assumes she doesn’t feel any of those things, but I think she has to be still feeling these things. Sil has conceded that the care for her is too much for fil, he is having his own cognitive problems, but won’t force him to get her somewhere. In this way I do sympathize with her, if she refuses to help, she is mean and ungrateful and at the end of the day, that is her mom who she loves very much. As hard as it is for me to say no, it has to be 1000 times harder for her. I wish one of these doctors would step in and take the decision away from fil, but I don’t see that happening. Everyone around him can see what’s happening except him. He has gotten so dangerous on the machinery that first the boys and men in our family stopped helping him do some of the crazy things he wants to do and after that his brothers stopped helping.

Dh and I are watching this, and I told dh im going to write a letter to each of the kids telling them way in advance that it is ok to put me in a home when the time comes. I want to tell them now, while I’m young like mil did, but I’m going to put it in writing. Mil told all the kids way back, don’t do what I did and give up everything to care for me, but once they started working on the trust, golden years planning, she already had dementia and fil said they are absolutely going to age in place. So I’m going to give them each a letter in my own handwriting so that when the time comes, maybe that will be helpful somehow if dh or I decide to give them trouble 😉 oh, and I need to find a way to get rich so we can move into one of those golf cart communities where the nurses visit you and you cruise on down to the bingo 😆