What are your deal breakers?

[Scarlett]

What would cause you not to be able to live with your spouse?

I will go first.  If my Dh started smoking—-whether or not it was kept out of the home—-there is zero chance I would live with him.  
 

The ‘long and random’ thread and the discussion about clutter got me thinking about this.  My Dh has our garage and shop in a terrible condition….sometimes I want to scream over it.  Especially when he comes in and rearranges the dish ware in the kitchen.  🙄 but overall I can deal with it because it is not in he house.  
 

I think we all have our deal breakers.  

Edited July 8, 2023 by Scarlett

[Katy]

DH once went on an ADHD drug and started being snappy, rude, and disrespectful to everyone.  Not just me & the kids, but he got a verbal warning at work.  I told him he'd better get off that drug before he ended up unemployed and divorced.  I will not stay in a relationship that doesn't make my life easier instead of harder, and I definitely won't put up with abuse (even verbal abuse) or cheating. Life is too short.  And I know he wouldn't fight for custody so that's not a factor for me the way it is for some people. He loves our children but he doesn't like kid chaos and he wouldn't want more than visitation unless I went crazy or something and he felt he needed to have custody to protect them from me.

I don't mean we don't ever have a bad day and get irritated or say something rude to one another, but it's never a personal attack and we always apologize.

I also know my attitude is unusual and probably the result of my parent's divorce.  I also feel like I used up all of my childish desire to stay together no matter what on my ex, who was an alcoholic with BPD traits.  My desire to fight to stay together no matter what is gone, for better or worse. (ETA: I used to have religious convictions about this, but I gave them up. I'm pretty sure God doesn't want me abused, lied to, or unhappy either.)

I will say marrying my DH is one of the best decisions I ever made.  He does make my life better every day, and I'm sure he'd say the same thing about me.

Edited July 8, 2023 by Katy

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Katy said:

DH once went on an ADHD drug and started being snappy, rude, and disrespectful to everyone.  Not just me & the kids, but he got a verbal warning at work.  I told him he'd better get off that drug before he ended up unemployed and divorced.  I will not stay in a relationship that doesn't make my life easier instead of harder, and I definitely won't put up with abuse (even verbal abuse) or cheating. Life is too short.  And I know he wouldn't fight for custody so that's not a factor for me the way it is for some people. He loves our children but he doesn't like kid chaos and he wouldn't want more than visitation unless I went crazy or something and he felt he needed to have custody to protect them from me.

I don't mean we don't ever have a bad day and get irritated or say something rude to one another, but it's never a personal attack and we always apologize.

I also know my attitude is unusual and probably the result of my parent's divorce.  I also feel like I used up all of my childish desire to stay together no matter what on my ex, who was an alcoholic with BPD traits.  My desire to fight to stay together no matter what is gone, for better or worse.

I will say marrying my DH is one of the best decisions I ever made.  He does make my life better every day, and I'm sure he'd say the same thing about me.

I would not describe it as childish desire to stay together..…but my tolerance has all been used up.Dh and I say that if one of us cheats after what we both have been through in first marriages….well we would just be done. If one if us could do that after knowing how bad it screwed everything up then there is no hope.

Dh is so so good and I am for ever grateful we met.

[Pawz4me]

I suppose emotional, verbal or physical abuse would have to top the list. Infidelity, definitely. I don't think I could tolerate reckless/questionable financial decisions or extreme political or religious views.

Things like smoking or clutter would definitely impact my QOL, but I'd have to have an actual scenario to say whether they'd be deal breakers or not. Like occasional smoking outside I could probably deal with. Clutter kept in a specific area I could probably deal with. Chain smoking or hoarder level would be deal breakers.

[lovinmyboys]

If I found out he voted for one certain person.

We have our normal ongoing one issue- him working a lot then coming home and telling me and the kids how to live. So far I mostly just don’t do anything I disagree with, but I do worry that one day that arrangement may become untenable. 
 

And anything obviously destructive- law breaking, addiction, abuse, infidelity. 

 

Edited July 8, 2023 by lovinmyboys

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

I suppose emotional, verbal or physical abuse would have to top the list. Infidelity, definitely. I don't think I could tolerate reckless/questionable financial decisions or extreme political or religious views.

Things like smoking or clutter would definitely impact my QOL, but I'd have to have an actual scenario to say whether they'd be deal breakers or not. Like occasional smoking outside I could probably deal with. Clutter kept in a specific area I could probably deal with. Chain smoking or hoarder level would be deal breakers.

Ruining us financially…..yes that would be another. We struggle a bit in this area….we have vastly different views of how to handle money….but we so far have been able to work it out.

[marbel]

Adultery, any sort of abuse, excessive drinking, illegal activity. Drug addiction that wasn't corrected quickly, as Katy described above.  

One very specific thing: his parents own a house in an area I hate visiting; I hate the house too. No reason to think we will own it someday but I have said many times that I will never live there. So, if it happens that he inherits that house and he wants to move there, he'll be going alone. 

[katilac]

I mean, I could get pretty on board with the duplex idea even without any dealbreakers 😂

Or separate wings of house with common areas in the middle, that would also work. 

We're actually really compatible for living together in most ways, but the decor in his wing would be more sedate than the common areas, and mine would be much wilder. 

And we both always think the other person should pick up what they leave laying around, but my stuff? Well, I'm about to use it, no sense picking it up now! 

[katilac]

50 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I will go first.  If my Dh started smoking—-whether or not it was kept out of the home—-there is zero chance I would live with him.  

Yeah, probably this one for me too. Or we'd have to build an outside bathroom so he could shower, change, and brush his teeth before entering the house. 

Because you may go outside to smoke, but you still reek when you come back inside. 

One of my kids is in a relationship with someone who smokes, and it makes me so unhappy - I've seen people die agonizing deaths from cancer up close and personal. I don't want her to go through that, I don't want her exposed to the second-hand smoke, and I certainly don't want her to pick up the habit. 

So yeah, regular smoking would actually probably be a dealbreaker for the marriage, not just living together. Of course you can get cancer without smoking, but smoking is such a big risk factor (for almost all kinds of cancer). And I also don't want to see you gasping for breath and dying of emphysema. 

 

[Shoeless]

Drugs. 

Did that with the ex, and that's why he is the ex. 

Never again. 

[Lecka]

I come back to my husband pulling his weight.  
 

I have had moments of saying things like “I need a husband and 3 kids, not  4 kids.”  Or things like that.  This is the most death-knell level we have been, but we came back from it years ago.  
 

I would also say infidelity, but it’s so out of the question.  We are both people who had infidelity in our parents’ marriage so we both already know how messed up it is, to do that to someone.  
 

There are some things that seem manipulative to me too.  That, I just can’t deal with.  I end up calling someone’s bluff if I think there is some threat of manipulation.  I am thinking of things like…. Someone will be so depressed, and it would be all my fault.  I just can’t deal with that.  

[Ginevra]

I think I can’t project what would be a deal breaker for certain. I know that one does not always respond the way they thought they would when the sh!t actually hits the fan. 
 

There was a point a few years ago, though, when dh’s intense interest in a certain political set of circumstances brought us to a Come-to-Jesus moment and I said it had to end or I was gone, and did he love this political figure more than me? Our home has become almost completely apolitical now; I guess that threat sunk in. We no longer discuss anything political at all. 

[-----]

nm

Edited August 30 by kathyl

[Drama Llama]

I think until you are in an actual situation it’s impossible to know.  I certainly couldn’t have predicted what has happened in my marriage, and looking back I still don’t know which choices were right.

I would also caution that “I would never . . .” can feel a lot like judgment, so maybe be thoughtful about starting this topic in person.  

[TexasProud]

Abuse. Alcoholism or drugs. Financial Irresponsibility.  He has to treat me with respect. I wouldn't take disrespectful talk from my kids and I would never take it from my husband. Never been an issue with my husband.  The kids...well...  That was a pretty severe punishment from me. I am not even sure it happened but one or two times.  I can handle messy rooms, stuff everywhere, whatever.  But you will say yes m'am and talk to me like I am a decent human being.  ( Of course, that means I must be respectful to them as well. It goes both ways.)

[MercyA]

Abuse. A desire for a second wife.* That's all I can think of right now. 

*DH has NEVER EVER expressed ANY desire for this type of arrangement. I just know I could not handle it.

[Melissa in Australia]

I am so grateful every day that DH puts up with me

[Elizabeth86]

Honestly I could deal with a lot. The only deal breaker for me would be abusing my children. I could honestly overcome anything else. I guess also not providing for us.

[J-rap]

If he began putting himself at the center of everything.  

[Shoeless]

1 hour ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Honestly I could deal with a lot. The only deal breaker for me would be abusing my children. I could honestly overcome anything else. I guess also not providing for us.

Yes, I have to add that to my reply. If he abused my child, we'd be through. 

[Sneezyone]

Infidelity (if you want someone/something else…leave, don’t expose me to disease), criminal conduct with a moral turpitude element, abuse (physical, financial, or emotional).

[Faith-manor]

2 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

Infidelity (if you want someone/something else…leave, don’t expose me to disease), criminal conduct with a moral turpitude element, abuse (physical, financial, or emotional).

Same. We discussed these things before we got married and actually submitted a list of deal breakers to each other.

I can handle him if he became completely self involved. I would resume finishing my aerospace engineering degree rapidly, and focus on my career, simplify everything at the house, and take his cue, and focus on myself. It would be easiest, so close to retirement, to remain married but function as roomates. But if he were to start up with another person, then I would cut the string. Don't expect me to remain faithful, and then do the opposite.

I do feel very fortunate that after 35 years of marriage, we are still best buds and manage to live together well. 

[BakersDozen]

We also have a list of deal breakers - "Choose me/us or whatever-it-is" kind of stuff. For me it's smoking, drinking any alcohol (not going to go into this but trust me, given how both dh and I grew up and a few other factors, it's a deal breaker), drugs, child abuse (including mental/emotional), and financial ruin or the threat of it.

Oddly, infidelity, while I find it abhorrent, isn't necessarily a deal breaker. Like the alcohol, there's more to this one for me/us, so I don't list it as a deal breaker. I do think a lot on this one but with a vastly different mindset than the other things listed above.

[KidsHappen]

Any kind of abuse, a drug or alcohol problem that he was not actively trying to address, mental health problem not being addressed, ever hurting a woman or child, gambling or gross mismanagement of money, hoarder level activity, or if he ever became religious. I think I could deal with infidelity but not lying about it. That doesn't mean he has free reign and I actually think it would be extremely unlikely but it wouldn't automatically mean divorce. Luckily we are actually very compatible and have been together for 33 years now so I would be very surprised to come upon some kind of problem we couldn't deal with together. We actively avoid talking about politics and certain social issues though.

I do give him a great deal of latitude in handling our finances. Twice in our marriage he has bought cars without hashing out the finances with me ahead of time. Once he went out and bought a new car without even discussing it with me at all and once we agreed that we wanted to buy a specific car and he bought it without discussing how we wanted to pay for it. Granted we did actually need both of those vehicles but I would have been inclined to go slower and look at all the various options before making a decision. Also once when we were moving from one place to another he was supposed to find us a place to live and bought a house without any input from me. This worries me a little especially with our current circumstances where we are looking at selling and downsizing. I am scared to death he is going to come home some day and tell me he either bought or sold a house without knowing that the next step is planned out. However, he has done a very good job of managing the finances and has more of a get it done attitude whereas I do tend to worry about every little detail so I guess so far it has worked out well for us so far. 

Our landlords used to own all of the houses on our street. They weren't divorced but they did live in different houses even though they still ate dinner together every night. 

[DawnM]

40 minutes ago, KidsHappen said:

 

Our landlords used to own all of the houses on our street. They weren't divorced but they did live in different houses even though they still ate dinner together every night. 

My great aunt was married two or three times.   The first ones died.   It was either one or two, I can't remember now.

Anyway, when she married her last husband, they kept their separate homes and just visited each other.   Family members talked about it like it was horrible, but I remember even as a teenager thinking that sounded lovely!   

[DawnM]

There are a lot of things that would send me over the edge, however, that is also why I didn't marry until I was 29.   Most of my friends were already married and had a kid or two by the time I finally married.   They all said I was too picky, but it was seriously just that I would look at the guys they all thought were so great and I would find flaws!   Too full of himself, too controlling, or whatever.   

DH and I agree on the big stuff.......finances, raising kids, religion, and we do sometimes disagree politically.   I have changed a bit politically too.   I have always been a moderate and he tends to lean one way more strongly than I do.   We did have some disagreements about the kids homeschooling and me being a SAHM (he wanted it and I didn't, I wanted to keep working and send the kids to school)

But all that to say, I can't see my husband doing any of the things that I would think would be dealbreakers to the point of divorce.   

[teachermom2834]

Dh and I have known each other 30 years now and been married 27. We are very boring so it is hard to think of any of this stuff suddenly coming up. I know it does all the time though. You hear of things going sideways after many years of marriage all the time. 
 

I think if my dh were to suddenly start gambling or drinking or become violent or something it would be because he had become mentally ill. I think my tolerance for that would be pretty short. Was it treatable and he was willing to do what it took 100%? Yes, then OK. Anything less I just think I would have no tolerance for. I’m almost 50 and have raised my kids. I’ve put up with all kinds of nuisances and inconveniences and hurts and offenses and I just am not going to suffer at another’s hand unnecessarily I don’t think. I’m just tired and can’t see enduring a whole lot. 
 

The answer would have been different with little kids and not that I think adult kids aren’t affected, but it is different now.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

The funny thing is that DH has changed so much since we married that as it stands now, I wouldn’t have married him.  I wanted someone who shared my faith, and he’s left it entirely. He was a staunch Baptist teetotaler when we married and drinks moderately now(i always did, and he’s very moderate, but it’s another massive change). I wanted to travel and knew I wanted to marry someone with an adventuring streak, and he no longer has any desire to do any of that.  I wanted to have bonfires and game nights with friends, and he no longer wants to have people over and really has only one or two friends now.  His ADHD is rampant now and he struggles to finish any project in a reasonable amount of time. And I’ve changed too; I don’t think he would marry the me I am today, either.

In our case the drastic personality change is in large part due to an injury that causes DH to be in constant pain(after ten years we finally have a diagnosis: complex regional pain syndrome) and has disrupted his sleep for years as well.  Narcotics turned him into someone no one liked, and so those aren’t an option and we just muddle through.  I guess I’ve been musing on what things were deal breakers before marriage and what are deal breakers afterward. He’s not abusive, works hard, is a good provider, is a good dad and husband.  But fifteen years into marriage, this is nothing like what I had expected.

 

Edited July 9, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[Faith-manor]

56 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

The funny thing is that DH has changed so much since we married that as it stands now, I wouldn’t have married him.  I wanted someone who shared my faith, and he’s left it entirely. He was a staunch Baptist teetotaler when we married and drinks moderately now(i always did, and he’s very moderate, but it’s another massive change). I wanted to travel and knew I wanted to marry someone with an adventuring streak, and he no longer has any desire to do any of that.  I wanted to have bonfires and game nights with friends, and he no longer wants to have people over and really has only one or two friends now.  His ADHD is rampant now and he struggles to finish any project in a reasonable amount of time. And I’ve changed too; I don’t think he would marry the me I am today, either.

In our case the drastic personality change is in large part due to an injury that causes DH to be in constant pain(after ten years we finally have a diagnosis: complex regional pain syndrome) and has disrupted his sleep for years as well.  Narcotics turned him into someone no one liked, and so those aren’t an option and we just muddle through.  I guess I’ve been musing on what things were deal breakers before marriage and what are deal breakers afterward. He’s not abusive, works hard, is a good provider, is a good dad and husband.  But fifteen years into marriage, this is nothing like what I had expected.

 

I am sorry Tiggy. Hugs

[DawnM]

1 hour ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

The funny thing is that DH has changed so much since we married that as it stands now, I wouldn’t have married him.  I wanted someone who shared my faith, and he’s left it entirely. He was a staunch Baptist teetotaler when we married and drinks moderately now(i always did, and he’s very moderate, but it’s another massive change). I wanted to travel and knew I wanted to marry someone with an adventuring streak, and he no longer has any desire to do any of that.  I wanted to have bonfires and game nights with friends, and he no longer wants to have people over and really has only one or two friends now.  His ADHD is rampant now and he struggles to finish any project in a reasonable amount of time. And I’ve changed too; I don’t think he would marry the me I am today, either.

In our case the drastic personality change is in large part due to an injury that causes DH to be in constant pain(after ten years we finally have a diagnosis: complex regional pain syndrome) and has disrupted his sleep for years as well.  Narcotics turned him into someone no one liked, and so those aren’t an option and we just muddle through.  I guess I’ve been musing on what things were deal breakers before marriage and what are deal breakers afterward. He’s not abusive, works hard, is a good provider, is a good dad and husband.  But fifteen years into marriage, this is nothing like what I had expected.

 

So sorry.

And I will say that I believe my DH is on the spectrum somewhere.   He was quite social when we met and has little to no desire to do anything socially anymore.   I do most of it by myself.   He also doesn't see the value in travel like I do.   So there are differences.   Not deal breakers, but definitely not what I expected.

[Wheres Toto]

I divorced my ex so I definitely have deal breakers.    Abuse of any kind (physical, mental, emotional), infidelity are definite.  

At the time of my divorce, I thought about why do you get married?   Most people expect emotional, physical, mental, financial support, or at least to work together in those areas.   When it was clear I wasn't getting any of that, and in fact was actually in a detrimental situation where I'd be better off on my own, that was my line.  

Dh and I have been married almost 19 years.    We work together well, support each other in the things that are important to each of us.  We are compatible in our social needs and sense of adventure.   I never worry about him not being here for us.  

[Farrar]

If he started drinking again and did not make efforts to stop. He's a recovering alcoholic, 25 years sober now, so it's not something I actually worry about, but it would likely be a dealbreaker, at least in the long term.

If he was abusive to me. It's hard to imagine that from dh. He's just not like that.

If he lied long term about finances, that might be a dealbreaker. I can't quite imagine he would, but that would mess me up and he knows it.

Scarlett's smoking thing... honestly, that would make me nuts. He's never smoked and I don't know why in the world he'd take it up, but in the house? Oh heck no. My parents and grandparents were all chain smokers and I hated it so much.

Beyond that... I can't think of anything. There are things he could do that would annoy me. I feel like the most likely is if he decided to join a cult. Like, that would tick me off and I can totally see it happening. Or, like, leaving to go live in a monastery or an ashram or something for awhile. I'd be like, mmkay, dh. But I don't think I'd leave him.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

2 hours ago, DawnM said:

So sorry.

And I will say that I believe my DH is on the spectrum somewhere.   He was quite social when we met and has little to no desire to do anything socially anymore.   I do most of it by myself.   He also doesn't see the value in travel like I do.   So there are differences.   Not deal breakers, but definitely not what I expected.

Fortunately DH is very happy to work and then come home and cut logs on his sawmill to fund my travels.  He’s supportive—I had just expected us to do things together, and he’s changed so much.  And he doesn’t see the value in travel and doesn’t really have any desire to do much except work and do his handyman hobbies.

Not bad, but not the life we’d talked about, either.

[wendyroo]

At this point I think both DH and I feel we are in a bit of a hostage situation with the children we were dealt. Our lives are not at all what we expected, and are largely abusive and unpleasant due to having four children with moderate to severe mental illnesses. But neither of us can imagine doing it as a single parent, so there are very few dealbreakers that would make divorcing seem like a good idea.

In some ways, I think we are lucky that I'm not sure DH and I have every loved each other per se. We like each other, have similar life goals, and work very well as a team...but romantic love has never been a huge component of our relationship. We are perhaps closer to very interconnected, co-parenting roommates - making many joint decisions, cooperatively handling life's tasks and responsibilities, and hypothetically enjoying similar recreational activities (though our current situation precludes almost all of them), but emotionally we are quite distant and self-sufficient.

Since I don't count on DH for love, emotional support or affirmation, then a lack of those isn't a issue. My dealbreakers are solely practical: We both need to either do our parts to stick to the plan or work together to renegotiate a new plan.