Armchair psychs.... What's the root of this behavior???

[Soror]

I just found out that someone I know has been chatting with random guys on the internet. S*xual conversations- pictures have been sent and she even gave her bank account info.

By her account, she's happily married (for over 2 decades). When she talks about it she talks about it comes off more like bragging that guys are wanting her than remorse and acknowledgment that her behavior is bad.

It happened, hubby found out and it stopped awhile. Then it started again and hubby finally said I'm seeing a divorce lawyer. Now- she says I got saved (again) and I'm cured it won't happen again. 

I'm surprised and baffled. 

Her hubby is a nice guy-- and I think a lot of guys are jerks. She says she wants to be married but she is obviously seeking out and enjoying the attention. I have little faith that this problem is just going away.

And you never know what goes on behind closed doors....

[regentrude]

One possible explanation could be simply boredom with a life that is in a rut where nothing exciting happens. It's thrill seeking behavior that works to stimulate because it's risky and not acceptable. Midlife crisis has funny ways of expressing itself. 

ETA: It's not going away by itself, you're probably right. That person possibly needs a life change that brings some excitement back into her life and gives her a feeling of purpose: a new job, a new hobby, a new level of connection with husband. She is probably deeply unhappy.

Edited June 2, 2023 by regentrude

[marbel]

Yes, to me this sounds like she is depressed and/or lacking anything of interest in her life. I would say she needs counseling to find a way to get back on track with her marriage (assuming she does want to keep it) and figure out the real cause of her behavior, and new ways to relieve boredom (if that's the real issue). 

I get bored easily by the same routines and places. My thrill-seeking is finding a new park to go walk in, a new cafe for coffee and reading, a new bookstore or public library for browsing. Not that I am the model of how one should be! But it's worrying when a "happily married" person is looking for s*xual excitement. And what's with giving out bank information? She's being scammed?

 

[SKL]

I don't know.  TBH I wonder the same thing about romance novels (no offense to those who read or write them).  I guess they fill some kind of hole that only some people have in their lives.

Edited June 2, 2023 by SKL

[Faith-manor]

Potential sex addiction. Not to the act itself or to the excitement of clandestine meetings, but to the adrenal rush of other men paying her the attention. The fact that she ended it and then went back to it is a red flag to me. Addicts are willing to destroy their lives in order to get that fix. She needs proper psychiatric care and counseling. Sex addiction is hard. Harder I think to address than substance abuse which is pretty darn bad. But, it seems like we have some decent programs to help with that which have some success like Alcoholics Anonymous, inpatient rehab and detox, etc. It seems like since sex is such a messed up topic in America, not as many programs for sex addicts exist, many communities having none. Addictions are often the self medication for depression and for buying trauma. So the place to start would be there, and then hope something specific for this can be found that she is willing to do.

[Grace Hopper]

Bipolar disorder manic phase can cause this type of behavior. Not sure how late in life that manifests, though, she seems a little older than typical onset but maybe this has been going on longer than you know and she’s hidden other symptoms. Anyway, might be worth evaluating the possibility. 

Or, as mentioned above, she might simply be bored with her “happy” life. 
 

Or reading too many romance novels. 🤔

[NorthernBeth]

Also.. husband could be "nice" guy with no s@x drive.  So she is craving s@xual excitement and/ or attention elsewhere.

Edited June 2, 2023 by NorthernBeth

[teachermom2834]

I can almost maybe understand the men and the pics and that stuff. It’s not for me but I can see how someone gets lonely/bored and needs affirmation and seeks it that way. 
 

But bank account info? I can understand someone sending pics before I can understand them giving away their bank account info so I don’t know what that says about me…

[kbutton]

3 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

Potential sex addiction. Not to the act itself or to the excitement of clandestine meetings, but to the adrenal rush of other men paying her the attention. The fact that she ended it and then went back to it is a red flag to me. Addicts are willing to destroy their lives in order to get that fix. She needs proper psychiatric care and counseling. Sex addiction is hard. Harder I think to address than substance abuse which is pretty darn bad. But, it seems like we have some decent programs to help with that which have some success like Alcoholics Anonymous, inpatient rehab and detox, etc. It seems like since sex is such a messed up topic in America, not as many programs for sex addicts exist, many communities having none. Addictions are often the self medication for depression and for buying trauma. So the place to start would be there, and then hope something specific for this can be found that she is willing to do.

I agree.

I think if the OP was asking about a man vs. a woman, we'd all be of this opinion and not really happy about any insinuation that the wife was not interested in sex or about what goes on behind closed doors regarding the spouse of the person acting out.

I think a late manifesting mental illness is a real possibility too.

I know of more women who've successfully hidden serial or serious affairs that came out later than men who have. It's often women that no one expects--seemingly sweet little church women with kind, nice, loyal, and attractive husbands. It usually comes to light only if the woman leaves for the other man. 

[Soror]

1 minute ago, kbutton said:

I agree.

I think if the OP was asking about a man vs. a woman, we'd all be of this opinion and not really happy about any insinuation that the wife was not interested in sex or about what goes on behind closed doors regarding the spouse of the person acting out.

I think a late manifesting mental illness is a real possibility too.

I know of more women who've successfully hidden serial or serious affairs that came out later than men who have. It's often women that no one expects--seemingly sweet little church women with kind, nice, loyal, and attractive husbands. It usually comes to light only if the woman leaves for the other man. 

💯 I actually said the same thing to someone who said that to me irl it that he didn't give her enough attention. 

We would rightfully balk if a woman was blamed for a guy cheating. It's just as sickening for it to be done to a man. 

[DawnM]

When behaviors like this happen, there is something far deeper going on and it is impossible to determine without knowing more about her.   Could it be any of the above?   Sure.   It could also be that this is some sort of mid-life crisis and the need to feel desirable or attractive is giving her some sort of confidence she didn't have.

 

[thatfirstsip]

Sounds a bit like bipolar 2 hypomania 

[Grace Hopper]

25 minutes ago, DawnM said:

When behaviors like this happen, there is something far deeper going on and it is impossible to determine without knowing more about her.   Could it be any of the above?   Sure.   It could also be that this is some sort of mid-life crisis and the need to feel desirable or attractive is giving her some sort of confidence she didn't have.

 

Interesting you mention midlife crises. For some reason over the years I have always thought this a typically male affliction (sexist, I confess). Yet more recently, as I am now midlife or a tad beyond, I personally know a couple of women who might be described as having a “mid-life” crisis. For myself, I have found myself at a place where I need to reclaim my own self after years of strenuous family life management. Anyway, good observation. I think we all have to take a fresh look at how we’re spending our time once the kids fly the coop. 
 

In the case OP describes, handing over bank info seems a little more extreme than say getting a makeover and picking up a new hobby.  Mental illness is a possibility, but just plain wonky midlife hormones can be a factor. 

[Soror]

I was in a Convo with this person and another and there was a story about a p3nis. This wasn't an x-rated story but a medical one. She couldn't stop giggling like some teenager or something. It was really bizarre to me. 

[Jaybee]

I have little knowledge of such things, but there are types of early onset dementia that can have similar symptoms. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

21 minutes ago, Jaybee said:

I have little knowledge of such things, but there are types of early onset dementia that can have similar symptoms. 

This is what I thought of 

[Grace Hopper]

54 minutes ago, Jaybee said:

I have little knowledge of such things, but there are types of early onset dementia that can have similar symptoms. 

 

33 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

This is what I thought of 

Oh my goodness, yes. One of my elders became hyper sexual in dementia. It wasn’t early onset in their case but perhaps it is for the OP person. 

[Jaybee]

57 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

 

Oh my goodness, yes. One of my elders became hyper sexual in dementia. It wasn’t early onset in their case but perhaps it is for the OP person. 

It's the combination of the sexual stuff and the banking stuff that stands out to me. ETA: And the giggling.

ETA again: I knew someone who was making age inappropriate decisions about clothing and her marriage that just made people shake their heads. Down the road quite a few years, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I asked her daughter if she thought it had begun back then, and she said, "Oh yes! In hindsight, it is very clear."

Edited June 2, 2023 by Jaybee

[wintermom]

Has this person sustained a brain injury/bad concussion. Some of these kinds of behaviours are linked to people who've had head/brain injuries. It can take years for some people to recover fully from a concussion.

[Catwoman]

7 hours ago, teachermom2834 said:

I can almost maybe understand the men and the pics and that stuff. It’s not for me but I can see how someone gets lonely/bored and needs affirmation and seeks it that way. 
 

But bank account info? I can understand someone sending pics before I can understand them giving away their bank account info so I don’t know what that says about me…

OK, wait.

Are you saying you can "almost understand" the things the woman mentioned in the OP is doing? Like, you wouldn't totally condemn her behavior? 🤯

If Soror had posted and said her friend's husband was doing those same things with other women, would you still "almost understand" that, too? 

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned about these things, but in my mind, that woman is committing a form of adultery (and apparently her poor husband feels the same way, too.) How can her husband ever trust her again?

I feel terrible for that woman's poor husband. He has given her second chances, and she still doesn't value him enough to stop doing these things, or to seek psychological help for her seemingly significant issues. Personally, if I was friends with the husband, I'd advise him to clean out his half of the bank accounts before one of the wife's online hookups does, and file for divorce -- and suggest that get tested for STDs as soon as possible, too, because I would not trust that the woman hasn't already gotten physical with one or more of these men.

[Catwoman]

4 hours ago, Soror said:

💯 I actually said the same thing to someone who said that to me irl it that he didn't give her enough attention. 

We would rightfully balk if a woman was blamed for a guy cheating. It's just as sickening for it to be done to a man. 

Absolutely! 

I feel like some of the responses in this thread would be entirely different if the husband was the one behaving as inexcusably as your acquaintance is behaving. There are certainly reasons for her behavior, but there are no valid excuses for her actions. I don't care if the husband has the lowest sex drive on the planet; it doesn't give the wife the right to do the things she's doing. And the fact the she isn't particularly remorseful says a tremendous amount about her character.

 

[teachermom2834]

23 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

OK, wait.

Are you saying you can "almost understand" the things the woman mentioned in the OP is doing? Like, you wouldn't totally condemn her behavior? 🤯

If Soror had posted and said her friend's husband was doing those same things with other women, would you still "almost understand" that, too? 

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned about these things, but in my mind, that woman is committing a form of adultery (and apparently her poor husband feels the same way, too.) How can her husband ever trust her again?

I feel terrible for that woman's poor husband. He has given her second chances, and she still doesn't value him enough to stop doing these things, or to seek psychological help for her seemingly significant issues. Personally, if I was friends with the husband, I'd advise him to clean out his half of the bank accounts before one of the wife's online hookups does, and file for divorce -- and suggest that get tested for STDs as soon as possible, too, because I would not trust that the woman hasn't already gotten physical with one or more of these men.

No. I don’t mean it is ok. But I mean people do that. People that make those kind of choices. Infidelity is extremely common. Extremely. I was shocked when my eyes opened to how common it is.

The bank account info points to instability and mental/physical illness that seems more concerning to me. I think more people exchange naughty pics than give people access to their bank accounts. 

[ktgrok]

5 hours ago, Jaybee said:

It's the combination of the sexual stuff and the banking stuff that stands out to me. ETA: And the giggling.

 

Yes, together those seem to indicate a mental health or neurological issue. At least worth ruling out bipolar or dementia, etc. 

[heartlikealion]

It’s not his “fault” she is acting this way. But it’s very true that they may have lost sexual intimacy/attention in the relationship and she’s seeking that elsewhere. 

[Soror]

There has been some counseling. Just a few weeks ago she mentioned she was starting back at it.

I just hope they continue on now that she's 'saved'. I really, really hope for her sake that she's being honest with the counselor and they keep with it (and that the counselor is decent). 

From what she's said he's said she has ADHD but hasn't tested her and she thinks she has PTSD from a strict upbringing.

IDK it's very sad 😞

[Catwoman]

7 hours ago, Soror said:

There has been some counseling. Just a few weeks ago she mentioned she was starting back at it.

I just hope they continue on now that she's 'saved'. I really, really hope for her sake that she's being honest with the counselor and they keep with it (and that the counselor is decent). 

From what she's said he's said she has ADHD but hasn't tested her and she thinks she has PTSD from a strict upbringing.

IDK it's very sad 😞

I feel like many people are looking for excuses for why this woman is behaving so inappropriately, to explain it away as being a result of something beyond her control, but that we never seem to do that when the husband is the one who is being unfaithful. 

We have had a lot of threads here over the years about unfaithful husbands, and I don't remember anyone looking for underlying reasons. Nobody suggested early onset dementia, depression, or mental illness. Pretty much everyone judged the guys as being nothing more than immoral jerks who couldn't keep it in their pants -- but no one seem to be considering that this particular woman might be nothing more than the female equivalent of the guy who can't keep it in his pants. For all we know, she has secretly been sleeping around on her dh for years, but has been good at not getting caught until she started messing with men online, and she gave out her bank account information because some guy conned her into thinking he was in love with her. 

Sorry to sound so cynical, but as one specific example -- many years ago, did any of us tell @Scarlett that her cheating ex was probably only doing it because he had early onset dementia, ADHD, PTSD, or because he was depressed? If anyone did, I sure don't remember it. I remember everyone rallying around her and lots of people saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater," and supporting her through her divorce. But in this case, where the wife is the cheater, people seem to be far less judgmental and almost trying to find a reason why this isn't really her fault (because she has early onset dementia, mental illness, or whatever.) 

Another thing that stood out to me about this situation -- is this woman really "saved," or did she get "saved" after she got caught (again,) and might the whole "saved" thing be her way of trying to manipulate her dh into giving her yet another chance to save their marriage (until he drops his guard again and she can go back to her old ways?)

I hate to say this and I truly hope I'm wrong, but I think this woman is perfectly sane, and that she's doing everything she can to manipulate her dh into forgiving her for repeated and long-term terrible behavior with other men, and she will probably go right back to that same behavior as soon as her dh starts to trust her again. If I was a friend of the husband, I would be advising him to hire a lawyer, because she didn't just make one mistake; this is a pattern of behavior over a period of time.

I know I sound incredibly unsympathetic toward the woman, but I have zero patience for the things she has done, and I feel so sorry for her poor husband.

 

Edited June 3, 2023 by Catwoman
typo!

[pinball]

58 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

immoral jerks who couldn't keep it in their pants

Immorality is so passé LOL

there is a meme that is something like “every morning you wake up and choose violence” 

every morning this woman wakes up and chooses this. Maybe not every morning. Maybe it’s afternoon…but the point is, I agree with you: if it was man, no one would be looking for an excuse. 

[Terabith]

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

I feel like many people are looking for excuses for why this woman is behaving so inappropriately, to explain it away as being a result of something beyond her control, but that we never seem to do that when the husband is the one who is being unfaithful. 

We have had a lot of threads here over the years about unfaithful husbands, and I don't remember anyone looking for underlying reasons. Nobody suggested early onset dementia, depression, or mental illness. Pretty much everyone judged the guys as being nothing more than immoral jerks who couldn't keep it in their pants -- but no one seem to be considering that this particular woman might be nothing more than the female equivalent of the guy who can't keep it in his pants. For all we know, she has secretly been sleeping around on her dh for years, but has been good at not getting caught until she started messing with men online, and she gave out her bank account information because some guy conned her into thinking he was in love with her. 

Sorry to sound so cynical, but as one specific example -- many years ago, did any of us tell @Scarlett that her cheating ex was probably only doing it because he had early onset dementia, ADHD, PTSD, or because he was depressed? If anyone did, I sure don't remember it. I remember everyone rallying around her and lots of people saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater," and supporting her through her divorce. But in this case, where the wife is the cheater, people seem to be far less judgmental and almost trying to find a reason why this isn't really her fault (because she has early onset dementia, mental illness, or whatever.) 

Another thing that stood out to me about this situation -- is this woman really "saved," or did she get "saved" after she got caught (again,) and might the whole "saved" thing be her way of trying to manipulate her dh into giving her yet another chance to save their marriage (until he drops his guard again and she can go back to her old ways?)

I hate to say this and I truly hope I'm wrong, but I think this woman is perfectly sane, and that she's doing everything she can to manipulate her dh into forgiving her for repeated and long-term terrible behavior with other men, and she will probably go right back to that same behavior as soon as her dh starts to trust her again. If I was a friend of the husband, I would be advising him to hire a lawyer, because she didn't just make one mistake; this is a pattern of behavior over a period of time.

I know I sound incredibly unsympathetic toward the woman, but I have zero patience for the things she has done, and I feel so sorry for her poor husband.

 

Of course this is obviously very true, and maybe the root of the issue is that she’s a jerk or immoral and manipulative.  I’m in no way excusing her actions.  
 

But she’s not just cheating.  She’s giving her bank account information to strangers.  That’s the fact that tips it into questioning her sanity.  
 

Also, the thread is titled, “Armchair psychs - what could be going on here.”  I think the reaction would be very different if it was “Can you believe the nerve of this woman?”

[Catwoman]

2 minutes ago, Terabith said:

Of course this is obviously very true, and maybe the root of the issue is that she’s a jerk or immoral and manipulative.  I’m in no way excusing her actions.  
 

But she’s not just cheating.  She’s giving her bank account information to strangers.  That’s the fact that tips it into questioning her sanity.  
 

Also, the thread is titled, “Armchair psychs - what could be going on here.”  I think the reaction would be very different if it was “Can you believe the nerve of this woman?”

Lots of sane people get scammed. Sadly, it happens all the time. 

Was she gullible? Probably. But that has nothing to do with her sanity. For all we know, some guy talked her into investing in a get-rich-quick scheme, or he convinced her that he loved her and needed money so they could be together. 

Stupidity? Greed? Gullibility? All of those are far more likely explanations as to why she gave some guy her bank account information.

[pinball]

20 minutes ago, Terabith said:

Of course this is obviously very true, and maybe the root of the issue is that she’s a jerk or immoral and manipulative.  I’m in no way excusing her actions.  
 

But she’s not just cheating.  She’s giving her bank account information to strangers.  That’s the fact that tips it into questioning her sanity.  
 

Also, the thread is titled, “Armchair psychs - what could be going on here.”  I think the reaction would be very different if it was “Can you believe the nerve of this woman?”

I give my bank account info out on the internet all the time.

the real questions are who did she give it to? How much money did she give? Was it for a “service”? A gift? 
 

did the person or entity she gave it to take more money than she agreed to? How much?

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, Catwoman said:

I feel like many people are looking for excuses for why this woman is behaving so inappropriately, 

 

Sorry to sound so cynical, but as one specific example -- many years ago, did any of us tell @Scarlett that her cheating ex was probably only doing it because he had early onset dementia, ADHD, PTSD, or because he was depressed? If anyone did, I sure don't remember it. I remember everyone rallying around her and lots of people saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater," and supporting her through her divorce.

 

I have to agree. I know my XH very well and my best friend also knows him very well. (we all went to high school together.) We can talk all day long about how his messed up FOO caused him some serious problems. But at the end of the day he chose to respond to his inner demons by harming me and his child. I also have no patience for that kind of nonsense. It was very very difficult on me and on our son.
 

Difficult situations in life can bring you to your knees. It should never involve harming other people. The last few years of my life have been the worst ever. I have cried a lot. But somehow I have managed to not cheat on my husband or defraud my friends. 
 

Integrity. It is a real word with real meaning.

Edited June 3, 2023 by Scarlett

[Jaybee]

I'm not dismissing that she could just be an irresponsible jerk. In my own defense though, I did mention dementia as a possibility to a friend as to why her husband of many years had a major personality change in a similar direction as above, so I'm not just suggesting it for women. He could also be a jerk who has hidden it from his wife and others for years, but I do think it is at least worth considering.

ETA: I know of at least two people of my acquaintance--one man and one woman, whose dementia has affected them in these types of decision-making ways. Possibly a third--another woman.

Edited June 3, 2023 by Jaybee

[Soror]

Evidently the counselor has released her,says she's good now. So evidently they're a really, really bad "Christian" counselor or she's hiding what she's done or a combo of that.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Just now, Jaybee said:

I'm not dismissing that she could just be an irresponsible jerk. In my own defense though, I did mention dementia as a possibility to a friend as to why her husband of many years had a major personality change in a similar direction as above, so I'm not just suggesting it for women. He could also be a jerk who has hidden it from his wife and others for years, but I do think it is at least worth considering.

And this is key- a major personality CHANGE. It could be that she wasn’t happily married, was doing this all along and just got caught. But the implied suddenness after 20 years of a happy marriage raises the question of changes in the brain. Or it could just be a midlife crisis that has her chasing men instead of a red Ferrari. 

[Clarita]

1 hour ago, pinball said:

give my bank account info out on the internet all the time.

What?! Don't do that! 

[Catwoman]

25 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

And this is key- a major personality CHANGE. It could be that she wasn’t happily married, was doing this all along and just got caught. But the implied suddenness after 20 years of a happy marriage raises the question of changes in the brain. Or it could just be a midlife crisis that has her chasing men instead of a red Ferrari. 

But she did it, got caught, stopped for a while, and then did it again until her husband caught her again. Then she “gets saved” and says she won’t do it any more, yet shows no real remorse.

This doesn’t sound like a major personality change. It sounds like the woman is an habitual cheater.

She may have been successfully getting away with her behavior for years before she got sloppy and got caught. Her brain was functioning just fine while she manipulated her husband into trusting her again… until he caught her this time, and she once again thought clearly enough to figure out how to keep him from leaving the marriage. She sounds incredibly manipulative.

I’m sure many of us have known a long term “happily married” couple, only to find out that one spouse had been cheating for many years, yet the cheater always seemed so nice, normal, and dedicated to the marriage, and no one suspected a thing.

I would bet this woman hasn’t had a sudden personality change, and that the only sudden thing here is that she suddenly got caught… again… and chances are good that she will go right back to her sneaky and immoral behavior as soon as her dh lets down his guard.

 

[Catwoman]

34 minutes ago, Soror said:

Evidently the counselor has released her,says she's good now. So evidently they're a really, really bad "Christian" counselor or she's hiding what she's done or a combo of that.  

Ugh. The woman sounds like a master manipulator. She obviously knows how to play people to her own advantage. 

I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her.

Edited June 3, 2023 by Catwoman
Typo, as usual

[pinball]

54 minutes ago, Clarita said:

What?! Don't do that! 

It’s ok…I’m buying stuff like electricity, not dik piks 

[Jean in Newcastle]

31 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

But she did it, got caught, stopped for a while, and then did it again until her husband caught her again. Then she “gets saved” and says she won’t do it any more, yet shows no real remorse.

This doesn’t sound like a major personality change. It sounds like the woman is an habitual cheater.

She may have been successfully getting away with her behavior for years before she got sloppy and got caught. Her brain was functioning just fine while she manipulated her husband into trusting her again… until he caught her this time, and she once again thought clearly enough to figure out how to keep him from leaving the marriage. She sounds incredibly manipulative.

I’m sure many of us have known a long term “happily married” couple, only to find out that one spouse had been cheating for many years, yet the cheater always seemed so nice, normal, and dedicated to the marriage, and no one suspected a thing.

I would bet this woman hasn’t had a sudden personality change, and that the only sudden thing here is that she suddenly got caught… again… and chances are good that she will go right back to her sneaky and immoral behavior as soon as her dh lets down his guard.

 

Maybe that’s true. That was one of the possibilities that I put forward. All I am saying is that if anyone- man or woman- truly had a sudden personality change- then I would also recommend a trip to the doctor. But all I have to go on is a second hand account on the internet. I am not going to stake my degree as an armchair psychologist on that. And I’m also not going to get my panties in a twist if someone posits a different possible scenario. 

[heartlikealion]

Lol I think the thread was about giving bank info to a person, not a legit website at checkout 

[pinball]

1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

Lol I think the thread was about giving bank info to a person, not a legit website at checkout 

Ok, so then what happened? What financial impact occurred bc she gave out the info?

We haven’t heard anything bad happened bc of it…and, how bad? Ruined credit bad? Can’t pay the bills bad?

 

 

[Soror]

19 minutes ago, pinball said:

Ok, so then what happened? What financial impact occurred bc she gave out the info?

We haven’t heard anything bad happened bc of it…and, how bad? Ruined credit bad? Can’t pay the bills bad?

 

 

Hubby found out about it and changed accounts before anything nefarious happened.

I didn't think of a midlife crisis as it hasn't looked like what I've seen but maybe. I've known multiple women up and divorce husbands and run off with usually younger dudes. I've not known any where it worked out. Maybe they started like this idk. 

[Catwoman]

57 minutes ago, Soror said:

Hubby found out about it and changed accounts before anything nefarious happened.

I didn't think of a midlife crisis as it hasn't looked like what I've seen but maybe. I've known multiple women up and divorce husbands and run off with usually younger dudes. I've not known any where it worked out. Maybe they started like this idk. 

Thank goodness he found out before any money went missing! 

Now I'm wondering if he found out about stuff with the other men first, or if he found out about the bank account things first, or if she got worried about having given someone their banking information so she confessed everything to the dh.

Obviously, you don't have to share that level of detail if it's not comfortable for you; I'm just curious as to how everything happened.

The poor dh must have been so worried (and livid!) when he found out she'd given out their banking details! Honestly, I don't know how he will ever trust her again on any level. 

I'm not thinking of this as a midlife crisis; I'm thinking of this as possibly having been her way of life for years, and that she was clever enough to not have gotten caught until she started taking too many foolish chances. Plenty of people are serial cheaters for decades and no one is the wiser. There's no reason to think she couldn't possibly be among them. (I mean, maybe she's not, but I wouldn't rule it out.)

[Grace Hopper]

9 hours ago, Catwoman said:

I feel like many people are looking for excuses for why this woman is behaving so inappropriately, to explain it away as being a result of something beyond her control, but that we never seem to do that when the husband is the one who is being unfaithful. 

We have had a lot of threads here over the years about unfaithful husbands, and I don't remember anyone looking for underlying reasons. Nobody suggested early onset dementia, depression, or mental illness. Pretty much everyone judged the guys as being nothing more than immoral jerks who couldn't keep it in their pants -- but no one seem to be considering that this particular woman might be nothing more than the female equivalent of the guy who can't keep it in his pants. For all we know, she has secretly been sleeping around on her dh for years, but has been good at not getting caught until she started messing with men online, and she gave out her bank account information because some guy conned her into thinking he was in love with her. 

Sorry to sound so cynical, but as one specific example -- many years ago, did any of us tell @Scarlett that her cheating ex was probably only doing it because he had early onset dementia, ADHD, PTSD, or because he was depressed? If anyone did, I sure don't remember it. I remember everyone rallying around her and lots of people saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater," and supporting her through her divorce. But in this case, where the wife is the cheater, people seem to be far less judgmental and almost trying to find a reason why this isn't really her fault (because she has early onset dementia, mental illness, or whatever.) 

Another thing that stood out to me about this situation -- is this woman really "saved," or did she get "saved" after she got caught (again,) and might the whole "saved" thing be her way of trying to manipulate her dh into giving her yet another chance to save their marriage (until he drops his guard again and she can go back to her old ways?)

I hate to say this and I truly hope I'm wrong, but I think this woman is perfectly sane, and that she's doing everything she can to manipulate her dh into forgiving her for repeated and long-term terrible behavior with other men, and she will probably go right back to that same behavior as soon as her dh starts to trust her again. If I was a friend of the husband, I would be advising him to hire a lawyer, because she didn't just make one mistake; this is a pattern of behavior over a period of time.

I know I sound incredibly unsympathetic toward the woman, but I have zero patience for the things she has done, and I feel so sorry for her poor husband.

 

None of us know what *actually* happened. The OP thread title asked us to speculate what’s at the root of this behavior. So we threw out some possibilities. I get it that “just plain adulterous” wasn’t at the top of the list, and that seems sexist, but to be clear I think there’s pretty equal chances that any of the things speculated above could be the real scene - midlife crisis, mental defect, depression, always-been-this-way-at-heart - we just don’t know. 
 

The fact that they went to a counselor and the counselor dismissed it just makes me think either the counselor is not great or she misrepresented the situation to the counselor and perhaps the husband just went along to get it over and done with to avoid further embarrassment. Who knows, though, my thoughts are more speculation. 
 

I guess my real question is whether or not OP is involved with this couple on a regular basis and if she will perhaps be in a position to lend support (or share straight talk) if needed. 

[BusyMom5]

The bank account stuff is what's throwing me off- that's bad judgment I expect from my grandma with dementia.  Everyone knows those things are scams, it's a common type of fraud that's usually targeted at those with cognitive decline and loneliness.  

My arm-chair guess would be bi-polar.  She's done it more than once, it's generally out of character at some points of time.  She shows extremely bad judgment,  isn't cautious enough to not get caught, and then shows true remorse (supposedly).  

As to the husband,  he shouldn't have to stay, but he may be protecting kids by staying?  He probably loves her when she's one way, and feels this is a sickness (in sickness and in health vow).  

[wintermom]

@Soror Is this a person that has a meaningful position in your life, that you have to deal with on a regular basis? That would be hard, and I'd have a difficult time figuring out how much contact I'd be willing to have, and what level of trust I'd have. I hope this person isn't in a position to add stress to your life. I sounds like a train wrech waiting to happen, unfortunatly, and potentially very painful for those around her. 

Edited June 4, 2023 by wintermom

[KidsHappen]

I agree that it is the money issue that is throwing everyone off. People cheat, men cheat and women cheat. Statistically more men than women but it is not unusual. As a matter of fact, it is not uncommon at all. But most people in their right minds do not give away their financial information to strangers on the internet. There are con men who trick women into doing so by playing on their emotions but that is relatively rare. Most often when you hear of something like that happening it is to elder or mentally ill people. Therefore, a lot of people considered this possibility. That does not make it ok it just makes it make sense. Which is what people are looking for, to make sense of the matter. I know that not everything people do makes sense but that doesn't stop us from trying to figure it out. 

[Catwoman]

14 hours ago, BusyMom5 said:

The bank account stuff is what's throwing me off- that's bad judgment I expect from my grandma with dementia.  Everyone knows those things are scams, it's a common type of fraud that's usually targeted at those with cognitive decline and loneliness.  

My arm-chair guess would be bi-polar.  She's done it more than once, it's generally out of character at some points of time.  She shows extremely bad judgment,  isn't cautious enough to not get caught, and then shows true remorse (supposedly).  

As to the husband,  he shouldn't have to stay, but he may be protecting kids by staying?  He probably loves her when she's one way, and feels this is a sickness (in sickness and in health vow).  

 

12 hours ago, KidsHappen said:

I agree that it is the money issue that is throwing everyone off. People cheat, men cheat and women cheat. Statistically more men than women but it is not unusual. As a matter of fact, it is not uncommon at all. But most people in their right minds do not give away their financial information to strangers on the internet. There are con men who trick women into doing so by playing on their emotions but that is relatively rare. Most often when you hear of something like that happening it is to elder or mentally ill people. Therefore, a lot of people considered this possibility. That does not make it ok it just makes it make sense. Which is what people are looking for, to make sense of the matter. I know that not everything people do makes sense but that doesn't stop us from trying to figure it out. 

I'm not so sure I agree that people in their right minds don't fall for online scams and give out financial information to unscrupulous people, particularly when sex and/or love are involved. People also get scammed when they are greedy and someone offers them a way to get rich quickly. It's amazing what people will fall for, when a scammer knows how to take advantage of their weaknesses and emotional desires.

There have been so many stories about lonely men and women of all ages who have fallen for online scammers who promised them relationships, sex, love, and marriage, but just need some money to travel to the USA, or need some cash to finalize a divorce, pay off personal debt, or put a downpayment on a "forever house" where the two of them can live happily ever after. Also, remember when men were falling prey to the scams where Eastern European women were supposedly so desperate for American husbands and the men had to send money to finance the "necessary paperwork" and their trips to the US? (It's probably still happening.) There have even been instances on this forum where moms have worried that their young adult children have been scammed into giving money to online girlfriends or boyfriends (trying not to be too specific here.) It's not an uncommon thing at all. Perfectly sane people get caught up in their emotions and don't always behave rationally, even when friends and family try to reason with them.

I'm not saying that's what happened here, but it's certainly a possibility. I would be very interested in learning why the woman gave out her bank account information to an online love interest, but I would definitely consider the possibility of a clever scammer playing on her loneliness and her need to feel sexually desirable as being more likely than her having some form of serious mental illness or dementia. I'm assuming she's middle-aged (40s or 50s? I'm just guessing,) so that's why I'm leaning toward her having been scammed by some guy who told her everything she wanted to hear and then came up with a plausible (to her) reason why he needed money, or why he should be allowed access to her bank account information so he could supposedly buy something for the two of them as a couple. 

I know I could be absolutely wrong about all of this, but the main reason I hope I'm right is because I would hate to think that the woman is actually developing early onset dementia or some sort of serious mental illness. I don't agree with her behaviors or the fact that she has repeatedly betrayed her dh, but I wouldn't wish dementia or mental illness on anyone. 

[Clarita]

The whole conversation of the bank account stuff is just bugging me so much. Do people really give out their bank accounts to their boy toys?? I mean sure send some money to your mister and pay people for their services or their pictures, but you can give them cash or venmo them or whatever.

My brain just does not compute people giving up their bank information to random strangers. Official businesses and banks have laws that they have to abide by to keep your information safe, so I understand the trust in that. I don't give my bank information online. They get my credit card info, because if that information leaks out it's easy for me to cancel the card and dispute the charges. Otherwise I'm face to face or on the phone with the financial institution that I'm working with. (Like I said that's very different from a regular person because there are specific rules they have to abide by to keep my information safe and certain protocols they have to abide by to destroy the information after using it.) 

[Grace Hopper]

2 hours ago, Clarita said:

The whole conversation of the bank account stuff is just bugging me so much. Do people really give out their bank accounts to their boy toys?? I mean sure send some money to your mister and pay people for their services or their pictures, but you can give them cash or venmo them or whatever.

My brain just does not compute people giving up their bank information to random strangers. Official businesses and banks have laws that they have to abide by to keep your information safe, so I understand the trust in that. I don't give my bank information online. They get my credit card info, because if that information leaks out it's easy for me to cancel the card and dispute the charges. Otherwise I'm face to face or on the phone with the financial institution that I'm working with. (Like I said that's very different from a regular person because there are specific rules they have to abide by to keep my information safe and certain protocols they have to abide by to destroy the information after using it.) 

My boy toy does not have access to my personal bank account and I’m married to him. 😂