When extracurriculars become impractical

[WildflowerMom]

Can dad not help out?   Maybe pick him up from the 2nd practice or go in early at work in order to get him to & from the second practice?   I know that's not always possible, but I know from past posts that you seem to be stuck alone in the thick of things.   You have everything thrown on you, it seems like.   It doesn't seem like you have the help you deserve.    

[SHP]

A note of dissent

While I understand that most here have at least one private car they use to drive, public transportation, bicycling, and even electric scooters are a viable alternative and not something to be looked down on.

 

This is said with full knowledge of the racial and social economic divide that many places in the US have re private car vs bus. Being a white person with a kid at a bus stop 10 years ago would get such looks of disgust that you would think I was beating them on the street corner. It's not as bad as now, but there is still a mentality that busses are for Them not Us. White car free people here are now more likely to use bike share, rent electric scooters, or have their own ebike/electric scooter/uniwheel thingy. 

[SHP]

7 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

Another thought just throwing out there- two years left of this seems insurmountable I know. But as someone on the flip side (and I know people hate to hear this and is sounds condescending but anyways) it is over in a blink. It just goes quickly in the scheme of things. It is forever to them in their young lives and asking him to just give it up for two years is HUGE. But asking you as an adult to make it work for two years, is relatively, not so much. I am not minimizing what you go through with your special needs kids or how challenging your situation is. I’m just reminding you how close you are to the finish line. And there really is no going back for a do over. This time in his life is really a one and only.

And for as many threads as we have about failure to launch or boomerang kids or wayward young adults…my three young adults pretty much graduated high school and were on their way. They went to college but hardly returned for their full breaks because of internships or travel or girlfriends or etc.  and didn’t not return to the hometown after college. There is no fracture in the relationship- they just launched and moved on really quickly. So those last two years of high school were literally the end of the relationship as we knew it even though we didn’t know it at the time. 
 

Time just changes perspective. My youngest started high school this year and we took on a crazy driving and schedule commitment and really my thought was that it is only four years and it will go by in a flash. And here we are almost a year done and I wasn’t wrong. Long days short years isn’t just for the baby set.

 

Yep. 

This is why I am pro supporting them fully, even when the wisdom of age knows it likely will not work out. They don't have that and sparing them the lesson can damage the relationship. 

 

As for giving up the sport, for 2 years, as someone who was forced to give up their beloved sport at an even younger age (due to adult BS) it really hurt and that pain wasn't necessary. There are adult recreational leagues for those who, at 18, 25, and even senior citizens, still wanted to play their beloved sport. I know someone who runs volunteer based massive multi sport adult recreational leagues while playing in their preferred sport and working full time with a family. It is what they choose to do with their free time as an adult.

A 16 year old doesn't need to be on the path to a professional athletic career or a D1 scholarship in order to pursue a passion. They need to learn to balance their sport with the rest of life, and they will benefit from having a parent to either guide them, catch them if they fall, or just to be there. 

[prairiewindmomma]

20 minutes ago, LaughingCat said:

It appears to me that a lot of people answering on this thread have kids who are good at their sport, and maybe who get better at it just by attending practices.  I don't have those athletic kids - so I need to see drive and passion for the sport from my child -- enjoyment or being sad to leave the activity are not enough to move to the next level -- and definitely not enough to make the rest of the family do all sorts of contortions to make it work.

It is not always a good thing for kids to move up in sports with the extra drive needed.  There are downsides to being the worst player on the team -- such as spending a lot of time sitting out during games and being verbally attacked by teammates for mistakes made on the field.  

Moving up in sports to me means the child must have already shown me their commitment to improving and growing in the sport -- not just that they enjoy it and will miss it.  

note: can't tell from OP's posts which way her son fits on this

I don't think this is about how good they are at their sport at all.  IIRC, her severe SN sons have a lot of loud and distressing vocalizations and are functioning at about toddler level.  This is about her youngest having a break from the emotional weight of being at home and being able to engage socially with others. That kind of break is really, really important (and I say this having been the parent of a deaf/blind/wheelchair bound but NT kid.)  It's really easy for a low needs kid to get lost in the sea of demands that high need kids bring. 

Being 16 is also about stretching your wings a bit, and having a more independent schedule before transitioning off to adulthood where all of that falls on their shoulders at once.  IMO, it's best to learn about balancing demands on your time and energy while the consequences are low, iykwim.

[prairiewindmomma]

19 minutes ago, SHP said:

A note of dissent

While I understand that most here have at least one private car they use to drive, public transportation, bicycling, and even electric scooters are a viable alternative and not something to be looked down on.

 

This is said with full knowledge of the racial and social economic divide that many places in the US have re private car vs bus. Being a white person with a kid at a bus stop 10 years ago would get such looks of disgust that you would think I was beating them on the street corner. It's not as bad as now, but there is still a mentality that busses are for Them not Us. White car free people here are now more likely to use bike share, rent electric scooters, or have their own ebike/electric scooter/uniwheel thingy. 

Urban/rural divide for sure.  When we lived in the Midwest, it was totally expected that at 16 you would start driving because everything was so far away. You simply can't work as an adult without being able to drive.  Here in an urban area, my white kids take public transport everywhere.  I really only use my vehicle to buy groceries, go to medical appointments, and head out to the wilderness. I could be carless and get by.

[gstharr]

18 hours ago, Teaching3bears said:

He has had ample opportunity to get his licence and has been too lazy to take the steps to do so even though I offered to help in many ways.  At this point, it would take over a year to be able to drive independently.  

 

I don't have the responsibilities you have, but I got the DMV test book, and started driving practice, so that he could be mobile the first day legally possible.  Seems you need to step up your support.  Even if it takes a year, he can start driving at 17.

[itsheresomewhere]

1 hour ago, Terabith said:

It sounds like you’re unwilling to allow him to do this activity anymore and that you really aren’t willing to entertain any brainstorming on alternative options.  It sounds like you just want people to agree with you that quitting this activity is the only option. 
 

You can do that. But he obviously needs help with his anxiety.  He needs a driver’s license.  And you are not going to be able to force him into another activity.  Also you should know there’s a REALLY good chance this will ruin your relationship with him forever.  But it sounds like you’re fine with that because he’s always going to be less important than your kids with more severe special needs.  

I agree.  And he might not talk anymore about it to you as he knows you won’t really listen to him as you have already made up your mind.  
 

I make sure my youngest child has her outlets.  I drive a lot as it is important to me she has her escape away from things.  He needs this and I would find a way to make it work. 
 

Edited April 3, 2023 by itsheresomewhere

[SHP]

Just now, prairiewindmomma said:

Urban/rural divide for sure.  When we lived in the Midwest, it was totally expected that at 16 you would start driving because everything was so far away. You simply can't work as an adult without being able to drive.  Here in an urban area, my white kids take public transport everywhere.  I really only use my vehicle to buy groceries, go to medical appointments, and head out to the wilderness. I could be carless and get by.

I think it is more than urban/rural. I think white flight and the resulting suburbs that were designed to be unfriendly to non personal car transportation play a role even today.

I'm looking at the suburban city I grew up in that still refuses all but the barest efforts of public transportation and where riding a bike outside of bike trails (that can only be reached safely by car) and a neighborhood is flirting with death. 

[Ting Tang]

Sport aside, yes, he should start learning to drive.  Lots of kids are not ready to drive solo, even after they first get their licenses.  That's ok!  I took a bit longer to get my license, maybe a few months after my class was finished.  And I was still inexperienced, so I started by driving to my part time job a few minutes away from home.

Are you comfortable saying the sport he is involved with?  I wasn't because my daughter is in such a small niche sport.  But if you are comfortable, maybe we can help you brainstorm.  I feel like a regular kid involved in something for 8 years should not be bad at a sport.  Progress might be slower, but you said he is too good to stay where is.

[Ting Tang]

And yes, what about Dad?  My husband isn't too keen on my daughter's sport because it really is demanding time and travel wise, but I always think it could be worse.  I drive 1-2-or 3 times per week 1 to 2 hours each way (3 days might happen once a month, when she has a ballet lesson that happens only every other to three weeks apart).  I'm good with him helping keep our boys when he isn't too busy with work (he farms, so he has to work when weather is good), though sometimes I could do without some comments, lol.   She has to now practice more in a gym, but we really try to do what we can at home.  She even goes outside in wind and cold to practice.  I make her hot cocoa.  LOL  I don't know if your son can do something more at home, even with zoom lessons/ training?

Edited April 3, 2023 by Ting Tang

[Clemsondana]

32 minutes ago, LaughingCat said:

It appears to me that a lot of people answering on this thread have kids who are good at their sport, and maybe who get better at it just by attending practices.  I don't have those athletic kids - so I need to see drive and passion for the sport from my child -- enjoyment or being sad to leave the activity are not enough to move to the next level -- and definitely not enough to make the rest of the family do all sorts of contortions to make it work.

It is not always a good thing for kids to move up in sports with the extra drive needed.  There are downsides to being the worst player on the team -- such as spending a lot of time sitting out during games and being verbally attacked by teammates for mistakes made on the field.  

Moving up in sports to me means the child must have already shown me their commitment to improving and growing in the sport -- not just that they enjoy it and will miss it.  

note: can't tell from OP's posts which way her son fits on this

I was at my kids' science competition this weekend talking to a teammate's mom.  A quirk of a homeschool science team is that our kids both play baseball but at different schools - they'll play against each other in a few weeks.  We were talking about the things our kids have gotten from sports - her kid has learned that just because the game is going poorly doesn't mean you fall apart - you take a deep breath and get back on track.  My kid has come home saying that pitchers should always thank the bullpen catcher - they work hard and get no applause since they aren't on the field, and Friday kid  mentioned thanking the kid who caught a particular out since it meant that there was no hit scored against the pitcher.  These are all small things, but when I look at the work world...staying calm under pressure, thanking the people who do the unseen work or bail you out when you are less than perfect, learning to cheer for your teammate when its their turn in the spotlight, learning to play both lead and supporting roles depending on what is needed from you...all of that is more important than being able to have a curve ball that drops through the outside part of the strike zone.  Is this the only way to learn these things?  Of course not!  But, for our boys, their love of the game is putting them in a place to develop these skills and habits.  Neither will likely play in anything beyond a rec league after high school, but I could see both of them choosing to coach or ump at some point.  So many life lessons are learned on the ball field if it's done right, and as long as we can help make it happen we are happy to do it.  For years I've watched parents get teary as their kids finish their senior seasons, even for kids who spend plenty of time on the bench, and I've been shocked at how hard it's hitting even though my kid is just a junior.  

[QueenCat]

19 hours ago, mom2scouts said:

If this was my child's main interest, I would try to find a way to make it work. I would try to find one of the other athlete's going to the practices and offer to pay them to give your ds a ride.

Same here. 

[QueenCat]

From your first post, it is clear that your son does not want to quit this activity. I get having a child with sn. Two is even harder. You do not want your son to start resenting his siblings because their needs made him quit his main activity that he didn't want to quit. That kind of resentment can last for years. Your follow-up posts have been about all the reasons it doesn't work for you or that it shouldn't work for him. People have given great ideas on how to make it work if that is what your son wants. If he CHOOSES to quit, it should be WITHOUT pressure. In the long run, you don't want that resentment. It will impact your relationship with him (and not just now). 

[shawthorne44]

One idea would be to ask him to come up with a plan for getting to the activity.   You driving that distance isn't an option.   

[73349]

It's not near anything but fast food places.

You want him to get out of the house this summer.

Can he apply for a job at a fast food place before/after practices and work enough to earn money for rides there? And meanwhile, work on the license?

Edited April 3, 2023 by 73349

[Spryte]

Not intending to pile on, but I would move mountains to help him make sure he has access to his activity of choice, at 16. He needs the outlet, for many reasons. Now is the time he needs to have plenty of outlets out of the home. This doesn’t mean you have to do all the work figuring it out, though.

I’d help him investigate carpooling, paying a driver (friend going to activity or otherwise), bus, Uber, Lyft, public transport, whatever it takes. And if he needs money to pay, he can work that out, too.

Rather than tell him what he can/can’t do, now seems like the perfect time to help him be more independent, and start assisting in problem solving. You never know, he might decide it’s too much work and find a new activity on his own.

As for driving, he really does need to work on that. I have one not driving (for good reasons), and it does make life harder for all of us. It sounds like your kid is NT (?) and he is going to want that independence. If nothing else, encourage him to get that learner’s permit so he can start working on it. We had to really work up to that, with classes and encouragement, and some mild pushing, and now we are slowly working on driving in low/no stress situations (empty parking lots).

[Corraleno]

1 hour ago, LaughingCat said:

It appears to me that a lot of people answering on this thread have kids who are good at their sport, and maybe who get better at it just by attending practices.  I don't have those athletic kids - so I need to see drive and passion for the sport from my child -- enjoyment or being sad to leave the activity are not enough to move to the next level -- and definitely not enough to make the rest of the family do all sorts of contortions to make it work.

It is not always a good thing for kids to move up in sports with the extra drive needed.  There are downsides to being the worst player on the team -- such as spending a lot of time sitting out during games and being verbally attacked by teammates for mistakes made on the field.  

Moving up in sports to me means the child must have already shown me their commitment to improving and growing in the sport -- not just that they enjoy it and will miss it.  

note: can't tell from OP's posts which way her son fits on this

This kid has devoted 8 years to this sport and clearly wants to continue. IMO, taking it away from him on the grounds that he's "not good enough" is really unfair. I have one kid who excelled at his sport and won national medals, and another kid who was frankly not very good at her chosen sport, but she enjoyed it and the social aspect of it even though she did poorly in competitions. I supported them both, drove them to practices every day, traveled to competitions, etc. "Unless you're really good at something, there's no point in doing it" is not a lesson I want to teach my kids.

I do lots of things that I'm not very good at. It's OK to do things you enjoy, even if you're crap at it.

 

[SKL]

1 hour ago, LaughingCat said:

It appears to me that a lot of people answering on this thread have kids who are good at their sport, and maybe who get better at it just by attending practices.  I don't have those athletic kids - so I need to see drive and passion for the sport from my child -- enjoyment or being sad to leave the activity are not enough to move to the next level -- and definitely not enough to make the rest of the family do all sorts of contortions to make it work.

Not at all.  My "athletic" kid, who is barely 5' tall in shoes, just wants to play JV even in 12th grade.  (So thankful their school includes just about everyone who wants to play.)  And then there's my un-athletic kid, who is considering going out for soccer next year (also 12th - hasn't played since 4th).  I will not discourage my kids; let the coach figure out what to do with them.

I consider sports activities a need for school-aged kids / teens.  Aside from age-appropriate physical activity, responsibility, team play, etc., it is an important social outlet.  It is also viewed positively when one is competing for meaningful career-building opportunities.

I did stop pushing non-school-based sports once my kids aged into school sports (5th grade).  However, each of them still has one or two key interests that school doesn't offer, and I plan to encourage those even past high school graduation.

Also, as some have mentioned, our kids (mine are also 16) are past the age at which we can tell them to get interested in a new sport.  They really have to figure this out for themselves.  We can make suggestions, but for many if not most teens, suggestions are gonna be resisted.  Moms of teens know less than nothing, and besides that, we clearly use all our free time thinking up ways to torture our kids.  😛

It's possible the higher level move will be too hard for OP's son.  My daughter quit gymnastics after we moved from a kiddy gym (thru age 12) to a high school class.  She went in at a relatively low level and with no gym friends, making the hours-long practices very un-fun.  So, that was sad.  There was no other option for what used to be her favorite sport.  So, that might happen, but if it does, it should be the child's decision IMO, if at all possible.

[Terabith]

Also, you may not realize that there are practically almost no activities you can start as a 16 year old with no experience.  There are very few rec activities for complete novices who are teenagers.  

[Ting Tang]

19 minutes ago, Terabith said:

Also, you may not realize that there are practically almost no activities you can start as a 16 year old with no experience.  There are very few rec activities for complete novices who are teenagers.  

Very true!  I am not sure if she means her son is "bad" at his sport or "bad" at competitions.  I know some fantastic athletes in my daughter's sport who quite frankly just don't perform as well at competitions.  They still mesmerize me.  It might just take them longer to get to the next level.  Also, sometimes people who know something inside/out still have a place in the sport longer after they are done doing it.  Not everyone can be #1. 

[Frances]

Besides the concerns expressed by others that this boy really needs something just for him that his away from his special needs brothers, I would be very concerned about any teen stopping 16 hours of physical activity per week without a comparable substitute. Lots of intense physical activity, upwards of 20 hours per week, was an absolute sanity saver for all of us during my son’s teen years. The OP could find herself dealing with an entire set of new problems if her son is still not getting lots of physical activity each week after dropping this EC.

[Frances]

25 minutes ago, Terabith said:

Also, you may not realize that there are practically almost no activities you can start as a 16 year old with no experience.  There are very few rec activities for complete novices who are teenagers.  

Martial arts is the only one that readily comes to my mind.

[Frances]

2 hours ago, Corraleno said:

This kid has devoted 8 years to this sport and clearly wants to continue. IMO, taking it away from him on the grounds that he's "not good enough" is really unfair. I have one kid who excelled at his sport and won national medals, and another kid who was frankly not very good at her chosen sport, but she enjoyed it and the social aspect of it even though she did poorly in competitions. I supported them both, drove them to practices every day, traveled to competitions, etc. "Unless you're really good at something, there's no point in doing it" is not a lesson I want to teach my kids.

I do lots of things that I'm not very good at. It's OK to do things you enjoy, even if you're crap at it.

 

Especially this when it involves physical activity. I think the OP is fortunate her teen son has a physical outlet for 16 hours per week and would try to do everything possible to enable him to continue. If everyone who wasn’t “good” at a sport quit, we’d have lots more overweight and out of shape kids and adults.

[freesia]

4 hours ago, Terabith said:

It sounds like you’re unwilling to allow him to do this activity anymore and that you really aren’t willing to entertain any brainstorming on alternative options.  It sounds like you just want people to agree with you that quitting this activity is the only option. 
 

You can do that. But he obviously needs help with his anxiety.  He needs a driver’s license.  And you are not going to be able to force him into another activity.  Also you should know there’s a REALLY good chance this will ruin your relationship with him forever.  But it sounds like you’re fine with that because he’s always going to be less important than your kids with more severe special needs.  

I know this sounds harsh, OP, but please read this post with an opinion heart. I have a brother who needed more of my parents when I was young and this is absolutely how a child interprets how you are handling this. I have also seen this play out with friends and parents if kids I taught. It is possible he wants/needs you to bend over backward for him the way he sees you do so for his older brothers. I know he gets less of you because how could he not?He may be walking away bc his feelings are so big about this. 
 

You need to help him get his license. But are there options for drop off care for your older sons? Respite care? Job experiences? It may be time to explore those.  

i can’t be the only one who cannot imagine what this activity could be. 

[Clemsondana]

37 minutes ago, Frances said:

Martial arts is the only one that readily comes to my mind.

One of my kids does martial arts, and while kid was young when we started it will always have a special place in my heart for being one of the few activities that I've seen where they really want everybody to come, and progress from where you started is your goal.  The amazing man who owns our dojo didn't start until he was in high school and they happily take out of shape or very fit people of all ages.  It's very much an 'if you can't run, just keep walking' kind of place, although they always push students to keep improving in an 'iron sharpens iron' mentality, so the good can become very good.  Tennis and golf lessons are offered for older people.  But, even for rec sports, a lot of organizations act like if you haven't started by age 7 you might as well not even try.  

[Frances]

21 minutes ago, freesia said:

 

i can’t be the only one who cannot imagine what this activity could be. 

My best guess is swimming.

Edited April 3, 2023 by Frances

[Clemsondana]

On the driving front...is there a driving school nearby?  Learning to drive can be fine with parents, but can also create conflict.  A lot of local kids go to one of 2 driving schools.  They have 4-5 days of classroom instruction and then a certain number of hours of road instruction.  Maybe a classroom setting would help with the anxiety about the test since it's taught more like school?

[freesia]

9 minutes ago, Clemsondana said:

One of my kids does martial arts, and while kid was young when we started it will always have a special place in my heart for being one of the few activities that I've seen where they really want everybody to come, and progress from where you started is your goal.  The amazing man who owns our dojo didn't start until he was in high school and they happily take out of shape or very fit people of all ages.  It's very much an 'if you can't run, just keep walking' kind of place, although they always push students to keep improving in an 'iron sharpens iron' mentality, so the good can become very good.  Tennis and golf lessons are offered for older people.  But, even for rec sports, a lot of organizations act like if you haven't started by age 7 you might as well not even try.  

Dh started on his late 40’s and got Black Belt at 51!

[freesia]

7 minutes ago, Frances said:

My best guess is swimming.

Thanks. I should know that as I was a swimmer 😂. Blind spot. 

[freesia]

When I was a teen I took three buses to get to a job I wanted. It look an hour 45 min to get there. That is just the way it is sometimes. 

[SKL]

2 hours ago, freesia said:

When I was a teen I took three buses to get to a job I wanted. It look an hour 45 min to get there. That is just the way it is sometimes. 

Yeah when I was a teen, I was selected for summer enrichment at the out-of-town VoEd school.  There was a bus, but because I also had a full-time babysitting job that conflicted with the bus ride, my transportation was my bike.  It was about 5 miles each way on rural highway.  I wanted to go, so I made it happen.

A bit later (age 18), I had a job of which my mom wasn't supportive.  I usually borrowed her car, but one day we had a fight and she took the keys.  So I walked 12 miles and then worked a 17-hour day.  I was that stubborn.  😛  My boss then offered to pick me up at home if I didn't have wheels.

I'm not saying this boy should walk 12 miles, but it sounds like there are different ways he can get to practice if he really wants to.

I think it's appropriate for mom to lay out what she *can* do (e.g., I can drive you on these days between these hours).  Then what he can do for himself, e.g., you can get a bus schedule and learn the bus routes; you can talk to your teammates about car pooling; you can talk to your coach about an alternative schedule.  (Uber might also be an option sometimes.)

I would make the change at the beginning of summer so that it doesn't cut into school.  By the time school starts in late summer, he'll have better connections to work on fitting the sport around a busy school day.

Edited April 3, 2023 by SKL

[LaughingCat]

Aging out of sports (at the level the child plays at anyway) -- is just another part of sports that often happens some time in the teen years.   It is a normal occurance and not some catastrophe for the teen.

Of course if the child loves the activity passionately and is working hard to get better at it -- the parent should do a lot to support them.  In my first post I specifically said that to me that meant the child was willing to put effort into it -- which could be hours practicing not just effort in trying to find a ride -- and does not mean to me the child has to be best or even good at their sport in any way.

But the other side of that that even if the child loves and enjoys the sport -- if they are not putting in the extra work needed to make it in the next level (a lot of this is about the amount of practice IMO or at least activity at home to support their progress since not all can actually be done at home) then when they age out of the current level, IMO the best choice is for them to drop the sport/activity at that point.  Choosing to put the child/teen in the next level at that point IMO is PUSH by the parent, not PULL by the kid -- even if the reasons for doing so are 'good' (such as exercise or friendships or time away from siblings). (ETA: and even if the kid themself is begging for it)

I personally know kids where that PUSH to the next level worked out horribly for them, even though they said they loved the sport and wanted to be on the team -- worst on the team & some pretty extreme remarks from teammates causing loss of some close friendships & loss of confidence in themselves.

I am sure there are also kids where that push was all they needed -- but as I said, IMO those are more 'natural' athletes -- who can still do well or at least average at the next level with little to no extra effort.    

Also IMO, the teen years are actually the least available for sport, especially for the lower level of athlete.  There are still a lot of sports for the adult if they care enough to look for them - there are adult soccer, volleyball, softball, flag football leagues (to name some I have myself played on) as well as many others, and it is actually the really good athletes that have more trouble finding a correct level team as an adult.

None of this is to say that OP should NOT do what it takes to get her son to the sport -- only she and he (and her DH) can decide what the level of commitment is and whether it is worth it to them.  But it is not a no-brainer IMO as many of you seem to be saying.  

Edited April 3, 2023 by LaughingCat

[Ausmumof3]

On 4/3/2023 at 7:34 AM, Teaching3bears said:

He has had ample opportunity to get his licence and has been too lazy to take the steps to do so even though I offered to help in many ways.  At this point, it would take over a year to be able to drive independently.  There is absolutely no way to bike because there is a big highway.  he can get occasional rides from his peers.  it is asking a lot to do it regularly or for every single trip because they will have to drive him 5-10 minutes out of their way to go home and they are all very busy.  I do have concerns about young drivers driving across the city.

I am not sure how much he likes it.  he does not do that well and he does not seem to socialize a great deal with the others.  He is not elated or excited about it.  When he goes to this new facility he will be the new one and these kids seem way more cliquish.   That is why I am encouraging him to do other things this summer.  I want him to expand his horizons and try new things.  

 

Can you drop him at the friend’s house? It would be the same amount of driving you do now.

Is the eight times a week set in stone, or could you continue the activity bit with a few less practices?

I would worry that this would be something that would make him resent his siblings, because it sounds like he’s very invested in it. I totally get the concerns around young drivers.

Maybe you could use it as an incentive toward a license? I will drive you for this year, on the proviso that you start taking the steps towards getting your license?

It would be nice if care/aid packages reflected the needs of siblings of kids with special needs so that they could have more support as well.

ETA we had some similar dilemmas with my oldest due to finances not logistics. We did have to take a break from paid coaching and I regret it (but not sure that it was avoidable at the time). His peers continued to progress and he stalled. He’s finally back in and making good progress though. Most athletes at his level are having private coaching - some multiple times a week. We can’t afford that either time or money wise sadly.

Edited April 3, 2023 by Ausmumof3

[Meriwether]

My oldest is almost 20 and a sophomore in college. I regret the missed opportunities we had for her main extracurricular. I regret it enough that we are all in for the younger kids. I typed up a lot of details that no one wants to know lol, but I mean it when I said all in. We pay our bills (that I try to keep low) and tithe and everything else is fair game for the kids to do their activities. Yeah, we are activity poor right now and it takes a huge amount of time, but no more regrets. I'll get back to reading and buy myself some decent clothes when the kids are grown. That will be all too soon.

[Clemsondana]

3 hours ago, LaughingCat said:

Aging out of sports (at the level the child plays at anyway) -- is just another part of sports that often happens some time in the teen years.   It is a normal occurance and not some catastrophe for the teen.

Of course if the child loves the activity passionately and is working hard to get better at it -- the parent should do a lot to support them.  In my first post I specifically said that to me that meant the child was willing to put effort into it -- which could be hours practicing not just effort in trying to find a ride -- and does not mean to me the child has to be best or even good at their sport in any way.

But the other side of that that even if the child loves and enjoys the sport -- if they are not putting in the extra work needed to make it in the next level (a lot of this is about the amount of practice IMO or at least activity at home to support their progress since not all can actually be done at home) then when they age out of the current level, IMO the best choice is for them to drop the sport/activity at that point.  Choosing to put the child/teen in the next level at that point IMO is PUSH by the parent, not PULL by the kid -- even if the reasons for doing so are 'good' (such as exercise or friendships or time away from siblings). (ETA: and even if the kid themself is begging for it)

I personally know kids where that PUSH to the next level worked out horribly for them, even though they said they loved the sport and wanted to be on the team -- worst on the team & some pretty extreme remarks from teammates causing loss of some close friendships & loss of confidence in themselves.

I am sure there are also kids where that push was all they needed -- but as I said, IMO those are more 'natural' athletes -- who can still do well or at least average at the next level with little to no extra effort.    

Also IMO, the teen years are actually the least available for sport, especially for the lower level of athlete.  There are still a lot of sports for the adult if they care enough to look for them - there are adult soccer, volleyball, softball, flag football leagues (to name some I have myself played on) as well as many others, and it is actually the really good athletes that have more trouble finding a correct level team as an adult.

None of this is to say that OP should NOT do what it takes to get her son to the sport -- only she and he (and her DH) can decide what the level of commitment is and whether it is worth it to them.  But it is not a no-brainer IMO as many of you seem to be saying.  

I would agree if the parent was pushing the kid to continue in the sport and the kid didn't want to or was halfheartedly doing the activity.  But, in this case the kid wants to do the sport.  Not being great at something is not the same as not putting in effort.  If a kid is frustrated by coming in last or lack of playing time then they will quit.  If, as somebody mentioned above, the kid is happy to play JV all the way through 12th grade then I don't see any reason to have them quit.  I do agree that there is often a high barrier to participating in youth sports for teens.  Locally, there is a basketball league that takes everybody, sorts them by age and ability, and the has games.  It's great for kids who like basketball but would never make their high school team (and there are tons of young kids who participate).  Some churches and rec centers have open gym nights where teens and adults can just play ball.  But in this specific instance, this kid has an activity that he wants to particpate in and he doesn't seem to be having a bad experience.  He may do a month of practice at the new place and decide that it's a poor fit, too intense, or too time consuming.  At that point, he could quit without being angry at the parents, knowing that he gave it a try.  .  

[Ting Tang]

My husband and I were talking about so-so athletes who know the sport and go on to coach successful athletes. If someone truly loves their sport, a reason for it all will prevail. My BIL is one. He’s stayed with the game. Son plays in college, has a scholarship. Younger son is doing great at it, too, and has found a love for the game. Being #1 all the time has pressures, but sticking it out when you are not #1 all the time shows heart. I’m pulling for this kiddo! 16 is too young to give up… certainly too young to say he didn’t try hard enough for a license. 

Edited April 4, 2023 by Ting Tang

[Corraleno]

59 minutes ago, Meriwether said:

My oldest is almost 20 and a sophomore in college. I regret the missed opportunities we had for her main extracurricular. I regret it enough that we are all in for the younger kids. I typed up a lot of details that no one wants to know lol, but I mean it when I said all in. We pay our bills (that I try to keep low) and tithe and everything else is fair game for the kids to do their activities. Yeah, we are activity poor right now and it takes a huge amount of time, but no more regrets. I'll get back to reading and buy myself some decent clothes when the kids are grown. That will be all too soon.

The bolded is so true. When you're in the thick of it with teens, it seems like it goes on forever, but then you look back and realize it was over in the blink of an eye — one minute there was gawky, pimply middle schooler sitting at the kitchen table, and then you turn around and you're packing them off to college. 

I'm sure every parent has a few things they wish they could go back and do differently, but I don't think many regret the support and encouragement they gave their kids, even if it was hard and exhausting and sometimes stressful. Even (and maybe especially) if those kids were never the top student or the best on the team or whatever. 

[mommyoffive]

1 hour ago, Meriwether said:

My oldest is almost 20 and a sophomore in college. I regret the missed opportunities we had for her main extracurricular. I regret it enough that we are all in for the younger kids. I typed up a lot of details that no one wants to know lol, but I mean it when I said all in. We pay our bills (that I try to keep low) and tithe and everything else is fair game for the kids to do their activities. Yeah, we are activity poor right now and it takes a huge amount of time, but no more regrets. I'll get back to reading and buy myself some decent clothes when the kids are grown. That will be all too soon.

10000% this.  After we pay our bills and save for retirement, we don't have a limit of spending on the activities for the kids.  Especially, when my kids missed out on so much with Covid, because we didn't go back to face to face things until late summer 2021.   But, yeah the years just fly by and then they are grown up.  Who knows where my kids will go with their extracurriculars?  I don't want it for them, but I want to support their dreams and let them go as far as they want and can with it.  Also I think the experiences that they have with extracurriculars over the years is a worthwhile thing to invest in. 

[DeainUSA]

The time your son has to do this is fleeting, do what you can.

Siblings of special needs kids make a whole lot of sacrifices. I'd really think about how fair it is to make this another one.

1 year is nothing and then he can drive.  Do it, help him make it happen and also use that year and time to get his license. Get it started over the summer with this extracurricular.  Implement the plan with him.

It will be tough and rough and exhausting, but it's what we do, if we can.  It really does sound like you can.

Your kind of all over the place, you don't want him home all summer and doing nothing but if he doesn't all this he' be exhausted and have something.  I'm not following the logic, and that could be on me.  I do know this problem won't be around forever or the opportunity. 

[Teaching3bears]

Thanks for all these ideas.  I will definitely tell my son to get a move on working on his drivers’ licence if he wants to go.  I love the idea of him taking driving classes during the day in the summer.  I will look to see if they have any driving schools near the new location.   He has asked for names of kids who live near us who he can call for drives.  
There are some things I have not explained properly and other serious concerns I have that I have not even mentioned.  A few of you have said things that really hurt my feelings and are really not true.  I truly am not sure how much passion he feels for this activity and I want to talk to him about it.  Before Covid and even until last year he was involved in other activities he was very passionate about.  I was looking into ways he could pursue these again and I found some exciting programs he could try.  Also, with the practices at the current location, my son does not go to all of them because he often does not feel like it.  He will have to get up at 4:30 every morning to go to this new location.  There is traffic in the mornings and I am concerned he will not get to school on time.  I know that people who live in the country make long commutes a lot. This is not a pleasant drive and there are frequent traffic problems that can make a half hour drive become an hour.  He is very unaware of what his commute could be like.  He does not feel that this is about his brothers at all or that he has been neglected because of them.  He feels I give him too much attention.  

[Clemsondana]

From the newest reply...if he's skipping practices at the current place then he may soon be skipping them at the new place and give it up quickly.  At any rate, if he's skipping practice then the issue of the long commute disrupting life becomes moot since it's not actually occurring.  Instead of trying to convince him to quit, I'd have him start at the new place ASAP.  Either the new people will inspire him to dig in and work or he'll decide that it's too much effort.  If he only goes sporadically, I do think it's fair to give it a month or 2 and then say that you aren't willing to invest time and money into something that he's not committed to enough to go to practice for at least X days/week.  We do this with one of our kids and music practice - if they don't usually practice a minimum of X, then we won't continue with lessons.  There are off-weeks, but most of the time they do it.  I'd also see if there's a way to do the activity just as exercise if that's of interest.  My kid gave up basketball, but in the summer goes to the open gym at church and plays for a couple of hours once/week for fun. 

Not all of us who drive 30+ minutes to things are doing it in the country - I drive across a small city several days/week and many drives involve budgeting extra time in case of traffic and having GPS on in case we need to take an alternate route.  It's not a favorite thing, but it isn't unusual.  

One last thought - if he quit the other activities, there may be a reason for them that is making him unexcited about going back to them.  Even if he gives up the sport, he may not want to return to something that he has mentally put in his 'done with that' box.  

[bookbard]

Yeah, anything that involved getting up at 4:30am would really take a lot of thinking for me. I would definitely be strongly encouraging something else that was closer and easier to fit into life, especially if you feel he's not 100% committed to the current sport. He might just be keen on sticking with it because (from his pov) no decisions need to be made, no extra effort like meeting new people, trying out, working out where his place is. But from your pov a heap of effort has to be made.

16 yr olds can't drive in Australia, so I don't find it weird that he isn't driving. It feels very young to be driving to be honest. 

[Ting Tang]

4:30 ouch! Ok, I think it’s more than the commute making this impractical, I see now. Olympians might do that. Definitely, having a heart to heart is a good start. And if there is something else you think he enjoys, discuss that. I kinda forgot how in some places, kids really could not do their activities, so some did miss out on growth during the pandemic. I agree, even in the states, 16 without a license is not a big deal. But it’s we as the parents who must make that happen—not the child. Just sign him up for a class and tell him he’s going to do it. It isn’t optional, unless he’s a danger on the roads. 

Edited April 4, 2023 by Ting Tang

[SKL]

I hear that you want to talk to him about this and he's not wanting/able to talk about the realities.

What I do to approach difficult topics with my teens is, I wait until we're both calm and one-on-one, often when driving somewhere.  I will approach it like, "Are you stressed out about something these days?  [Give time for her answer.]  Because I've been wanting to get your thoughts about ___ and you get [snippy / avoidant ...] when I bring it up.  ...  How important is ___ in your life? ..."  And then I would try to stick to only questions that encourage my kid to think things through.  Try really hard to listen, even if some of what's said is nonsense.  The goal is to gather information and help the teen introspect a bit better.

I generally try not to say "no" but rather "yes, and" when feasible.  So yes, you can make a move, and that will involve you figuring out abc without neglecting xyz.

[freesia]

Well, the early morning one should be easier to get him to because your dh could either be home with your older dc or drive him. When I did early morning swim, I had to wake up my dad to take me. That way he slept in if I didn’t wake up. But I did. And I was an ok swimmer—not elite or anything. But I loved it. After swim, I walked a mile and a half to school. I could have paid for the bus, but preferred to save the money. Wouldn’t other kids be going to school from practice? I would think it has to be possible to make it. Maybe you could arrange a car pool so you’d only be out once a week. 
I apologize if I’ve hurt your feelings. I know you are working really hard and sacrificing a lot. My opinions stem from my own issues as a good, cooperative sibling of a special needs kid. I tend to assume other kids like me are hiding stuff. The year my dad woke up to take me to early morning swim still stand out to me as an act of love. Particularly as it was a financial sacrifice for a child who was never going to be among the best. 

[gstharr]

11 hours ago, Teaching3bears said:

Thanks for all these ideas.  I will definitely tell my son to get a move on working on his drivers’ licence if he wants to go.  I love the idea of him taking driving classes during the day in the summer.  I will look to see if they have any driving schools near the new location.   He has asked for names of kids who live near us who he can call for drives.  
There are some things I have not explained properly and other serious concerns I have that I have not even mentioned.  A few of you have said things that really hurt my feelings and are really not true.  I truly am not sure how much passion he feels for this activity and I want to talk to him about it.  Before Covid and even until last year he was involved in other activities he was very passionate about.  I was looking into ways he could pursue these again and I found some exciting programs he could try.  Also, with the practices at the current location, my son does not go to all of them because he often does not feel like it.  He will have to get up at 4:30 every morning to go to this new location.  There is traffic in the mornings and I am concerned he will not get to school on time.  I know that people who live in the country make long commutes a lot. This is not a pleasant drive and there are frequent traffic problems that can make a half hour drive become an hour.  He is very unaware of what his commute could be like.  He does not feel that this is about his brothers at all or that he has been neglected because of them.  He feels I give him too much attention.  

You can begin driving practice now.  Start in an empty parking lots, down quiet streets, then into light traffic.  Most kids around here have about 20 hours  with their parents before starting driving school.   Think of driving school as finishing school.  After the last lesson, most will take the kid to the DMV for driving test.

[kirstenhill]

2 hours ago, gstharr said:

You can begin driving practice now.  Start in an empty parking lots, down quiet streets, then into light traffic.  Most kids around here have about 20 hours  with their parents before starting driving school.   Think of driving school as finishing school.  After the last lesson, most will take the kid to the DMV for driving test.

Every state is different, so hopefully she can check into what it would take for her. I wouldn't take a child to a parking lot to drive until they had their learners permit.  If anything happened (accidentally hit a car in the parking lot...or my DD almost went out of the parking lot into traffic by accident the first time DH took her out), there would be serious consequences. I don't get the impression her child even has a permit yet. 

40 hrs with a parent is required in my state, and the driving school w/professional instructor is required for six hours too.  The schools here require the parents to have practiced with the kid for a reasonable amount of hours before the professional sessions, then the three sessions (2 hrs each) must be at least 1 month apart. (Not by law, it is just a policy all the local schools have)

I'm sure it is very different in each state! 

Edited April 4, 2023 by kirstenhill

[Alice]

I've read through the whole thread

Two thoughts that haven't been mentioned (I think)..

-I've realized that there are times when I want my kids to make a certain choice that I know we have to make (for financial or practical reasons or whatever) but that I know they aren't necessarily excited about I present the information but I do it in a way that I'm trying to get them to agree with me. And there is part of me that wants them to not be upset. Where in reality, they might understand the reasons and they aren't mad but they do resent it a little and I need to just let them be upset.

-I have one kid who is very tough to figure out how to communicate with. He doesn't like to talk about stuff, he has anxiety. (He's also a 16 year old swimmer who swims at 4:45 in the morning coincidentally). And he has a really really hard time making decisions, partially I think due to anxiety. I want to involve him in decisions because I want to respect his wishes...but I've begun to realize that sometimes he just needs me to make the choice as the adult. The tricky thing for me is knowing when to make the decision and when to let him choose. I really liked what @SKL wrote above but it wouldn't work with my son. I often joke that he's like a wild woodland creature that if you startle will just run away and hide. He used to be like that with a kid if I tried to turn an interest into "school" and now he's like that if I try and directly ask him questions about feelings or what he's thinking. 

Maybe none of those things are going on here, but maybe it's part of why he doesn't want to talk about it. 

So one way to phrase it might be "Hey, I've tried to talk to you about what you want to do this summer instead of ______. If _______ was really important to you then we can brainstorm ways to make it happen. I want to work with you but I can't read your mind and figure out what you want if you don't talk to me about it. So for right now we aren't going to sign up for the summer session of ________ because I can't figure out a way to make the transportation work. I'm going to register you for ___________ which you used to really love because I think you need some summer activity. I'm also going to require you to get a job. If you aren't ok with that plan I"m totally open to discussing it or coming up with something else but I need your input. Unless you tell me by ________ that's the plan." 

Edited April 4, 2023 by Alice

[DeainUSA]

Can he stay where he is at for one more year and then transition next year with a license to drive himself?

I would still do it at 4:45am but my kid would have to be onboard, full in.  At that time of day, if you have a s/o, I would think you could lesson the load for yourself by even a day or 2 and share responsibility.