Can anyone suggest resources for starting life over at age 45+?

[pitterpatter]

Please don't quote, as I will probably delete this. Life has taken a turn over the past 5-6 years that I could have never predicted. My happy, secure life is gone.  And, it's becoming quite apparent that it's not coming back. My daughter, who is an only child, will leave for college in three years. After that, I will be pretty much alone for the first time since I was in college. (Little family I can count on, no real friends.) I need help figuring out a path for starting over at this age. While I have a college degree, I haven't worked out of the home for roughly 18 years. I think DD will be going to my alma mater, and I might move back there until she graduates, if she wouldn't hate me for it. Lol. The town has quite a bit to offer that I think I would find enriching without it being overwhelming. And, I could maybe work for the university again and get a discount on DD's education. I don't know. I ultimately don't want a job that's going to tie me down for the rest of my life.

I've tried to live life altruistically, but the hard truth is that the people I thought cared about me have just been using me as footholds for their own lives. I need time to heal and find myself again. I want to travel, to do things. I do have a couple of Teachers Pay Teachers stores that were becoming fairly lucrative until Covid hit and drastically changed my niche market. They aren't doing nearly as well now, but I will be working on them to ensure I have some passive income, but I'm going to need health insurance. I'm hoping to find some books, workbooks, pod casts, something to help prepare and motivate me in all facets of life for a very different, uncertain future. I am entrenched in a family caregiving situation that is a large chunk of the problem. While I don't want this family member to die, I also can't keep living like I'm living, which is not really living at all. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but when DD leaves, I'm leaving. I've already given too much. I'm not looking for religious/spiritual resources because quite frankly that kind of thinking/guidance/whatever you want to call is part of how I got to where I am now.

I'm in a funk today and will probably go veg out after this, so I don't know how often I'll reply to responses, but I will read and appreciate them.

PS - If anyone has been in a similar situation, I would love to hear a little about your path as well.

PPS - Thank you for all of your responses. They have been both encouraging and empowering. I do feel as though I need to add a bit more, though. DH is still in the home. But, he is not mentally/emotionally well. We enjoyed a perfect, very happy relationship for many, many years. We were best friends, walked lock step, and were truly two bodies sharing one soul. There was a magic that enveloped us and our relationship. However, when the whole caregiving thing was at it's most intense, and I was out of the home day and night months on end, that magic burst. DH mentally broke. (He had some other stuff going on too.) I was pouring so much energy into my end of the spell, though, that I didn't notice that he couldn't hold his end. I was in no position to run back and help him, so I held onto the belief that he could hold it alone, so that I could keep going. He couldn't, though. (And, I don't blame him. It was a lot.) And, he felt so much shame that he immediately cast the allusion that he was okay, but he wasn't. By the time I got back home and recovered enough to realize what was going on, it was too late. DH had changed in fundamental way. For the past three months, DH's mental health has been such that I have become his caregiver too. He is in therapy and on limited medication (limited due to potential drug interactions). He is making progress, but it's clear we will never be a true couple again.

We are trying to co-parent our daughter through high school, and leave her life in tact as much as possible for the time being. (This is the only home she has ever known.) She is currently happy and healthy. Her leaving for college is the natural break. We are trying to fulfill the promise we made to her at birth as best as we can. We have a house and basement filled to the brim with a past life that we have to close down. DH and I love each other very intensely. So, it is painful. I keep thinking the initial caregiving situation will take care of itself in time, as the person has already lived beyond their time. But, this person also seems to have nine lives and more, so I don't know. So, on top of it all, I am mourning the loss of a very powerful relationship. Divorce and single parenting have always been hard no's for me, so it's very difficult. Anyway, even though DH and aren't going to stay together forever, it's not the right time for us part yet. He wouldn't make it mentally. And, it's important to me that DH and DD have as much time together right now as possible. But, I need to be able to envision (and somehow look forward to) a different future for myself, or I'm not going to make it either.

Edited January 3, 2023 by pitterpatter

[Green Bean]

First, hugs! Life sucks sometimes and is hard.

Second, I think your plan to move where your dd goes to university is a good one. Maybe do some Udemy courses to brush up your skills in your field?

[prairiewindmomma]

I have a number of friends who have started over in their 40s and 50s. Get your financial house in order and really think about health insurance options, retirement, and the level of funds needed to support yourself. From there, make a plan about employment that is feasible for working while aging, iykwim. 
 

In considering where to live, look  to states with Medicaid expansion. There is a huge gap in services, generally, between states that support social spending and states that do not. I wouldn’t necessarily tie myself to where your dd is going to school. She has flexibility to go lots of places. You need to really look at where life will be feasible for you.

[Faith-manor]

I think you are doing well to already be thinking about what you need your future to look like in order to be emotionally and financially safe. That is good.

My first suggestion is to see if you can find a support group in your area.

My second suggestion is that it is okay for you to seek university employment and even move now. Dd is not entitled to dorms and such. Living at home and commuting is a good money saver, and if she wants to live on campus, knowing that now and having summer jobs to help pay for those expenses is just fine. Be up front with her. Gentle, but up front about the situation.

3rd and very important, now is the time to extricate yourself from the care taking situation because finding resources and making transitions can be slow going. So you want to say to this person what you are willing to do now, and give deadlines for which you will withdraw this thing or that service until that person is in a care facility or paying for care givers or moved in with a different relative or whatever it turns out to be. The heads up is fair, but it is also more than fair to set up a calendar that says, by this and that date, I will no longer be able to do x,y, z for you. Since you are having a late in your earning years big change, you simply cannot afford to delay the process because you need to be able to get employed and find benefits. Unfortunately, intensive care giving of an elder or medically fragile person can wreck havoc on this. Do not feel guilty about making these changes, and taking charge of your life.

It is also okay to look at other states besides your old university location. In most states, 2 years is the necessary amount of residency to qualify for instate tuition for your dd. So if you have three years, you have several months to look and make a plan. And again, letting her know you can offer your home, but not the finances for dorms and meal plans is just fine. Brown bagging it from home works, and if she is willing to be proactive about joining clubs, activities, and study groups, she will still be able to find a tribe, form social connections.

[Guest]

I think the plan to move to dd’s university town is a good one. I am a big believer in reinvention. I did not start completely from scratch but I did reinvent myself at the end of my forties. I was waking up in the morning with this thought in my head: “What am I *doing?*” I was so tired of the rut I felt trapped in.
 

I started trying to get a job in late 2019; I was looking for a secretarial/admin position. I did not find one before Covid struck. So once stuck at home in quarantine, I did an online paralegal certification, though I had not worked in a law firm in over two decades. It took a few more months but I got a job at a tiny law firm. My pay was small as well. But in two years, I have multiplied that little coin into more. I now feel very reinvented. I am 51 and no longer wake up asking myself what I’m doing. I feel like the pilot of my own life for the first time in a couple of decades. 
 

You can do it! You can decide who you want to be. You can discard the things and people who do not support and help your vision. I recommend getting the living and working aspect squared away first; then you can build up relationships that support You V.2. 

[Sweets]

Hello. I am not sure that this answer will help, but my sister went through a similar situation about 11 years ago. Her life imploded due to many factors and so did her health. All the people and things in her life that she thought were going to be "there" for her were just not and she was alone to try to navigate a very uncertain future. She is my only sibling. We did not live in the same city, and thankfully, she moved over to my city to start over. I think it was really good for her. She did have to start over from nothing basically, but I was here to help her.  Because of her health, she went on SSDI, so she had secure income and medical benefits. 

She is doing much better now. She and I have become good friends again, and I am forever grateful for that. It wasn't easy for her. She attended psychological, psychiatric, and support groups for about five years, but now she only sees her medical doctor. She has an easygoing life, which suits her, with hobbies and travel and family. She still battles depression and health problems, but she is doing better.

I'm not sure that this is the same as your situation, but I think in any situation that moving, counseling, and giving yourself time to heal will be very beneficial. I hope that you are able to find a new path forward in the future. It's hard to start over but sometimes it ends up being the best thing that could happen to you!

[KungFuPanda]

If you’re employable, I’d start with a job. It’ll extricate you from the caregiver situation and allow you to invest in yourself. If you need a class or training to get started, I’d enroll now if at all possible. This will also reduce your availability for caregiving. 
 

Even if your first job isn’t the forever job, it’s a start and a stepping stone to the NEXT job. It’ll take care of that gap in work history. It’ll get you rolling with income and insurance and a 401k. 

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

Sending positive thoughts

[BusyMom5]

Hugs- i would look into moving to the university town over the summer.  Most colleges allow students to take a class or two on campus Jr and Sr years. My kids start Jr year- by then they need a teacher other than me anyway.  

It will be hard to extricate yourself from the care situation,  but you are going to have to just say you can't anymore.  Its going to be hard.  Steel yourself for the guilt-tripping, and be assured this is what you have to do for your own sanity.  3 years is too much longer to wait.  I think this has been a several years thing, if I'm remembering correctly.  

Best of luck!  

[sbgrace]

My best friend had an implosion like this.

She ended up working in a position she is (well, was before her gap in education) over-qualified for. It doesn't pay terrific, but it gets her insurance and new friend and professional connections. The hope is it will eventually lead to work in her field as well.  

In your case I would seriously consider relocating this summer if the rent in the area is at all reasonable. I know it is going to be hard to transition with the family member. It is understandable that you would need to work now, though, given the drastic circumstances change. 

[TechWife]

I think it's smart to think job now, career later. Relocating to familiar territory and using the familiar to get a fresh start at the same time sounds like a workable plan to me.

When you're ready to think intermediate to long term, here are some ideas:

Look for online career exploration tools. Your local library or state labor department may have some available. The US Dept. of Labor's Bureau of Labor Statistics has some tools as well.

If you find something you are interested in pursuing, check to see if there are any certifications that you can study & test for to update your skills. There are a lot more certifications than there used to be, so you might be surprised.

Check with the the placement office at the university where you graduated - they may have ideas for you.

Check with your local Chamber of Commerce and Junior Leagues to see if they have any leadership programs you can enroll in to hone those skills and make connections.

 

[Faith-manor]

Also, I want to echo what Quill said. Reinvention is pretty great. I have a bachelor's degree in piano performance and music ed, with minors in philosophy and general science. But I didn't get that general science by one class back in the day, so when my music job went caput due to covid, I called my alma mater, got a list of classes that would suffice for the last class to complete that, and the best one available in my price range was a physics class within the aerospace emphasis. I had been helping dh mentor high school and college students through complex rocketry competitions, and the class of ignited a passion for aerospace engineering. Originally I was just seeking to complete the minor because it made me qualified to teach middle school science which might make it more likely that I would be able to get in with a school district. However, instead of heading back to teaching, I have gone further into aerospace engineering, and space/astronomy as well. Ideally, I would still someday find a positioned n in STEM outreach, but right now I am just enjoying my one or two classes a semester and soaking up the subject material.

I miss having a music career, but I also recognize that what replaces it may be just as fulfilling. Life keeps spinning.

So I do recommend that you embrace that aspect. If you really can't pinpoint where to go career wise maybe you could talk to the career counselors at your alma mater as a jumping off spot. I think they could be a good resource. It might also be a good time to attend an occasional alumni event, and start making contacts among your classmates and current faculty. I have a friend whose PH.D. is in molecular biology, but who has found she actually loves working in the college admission's department, and traveling to high schools on behalf of the college. She likes working with students, but not necessarily teaching.

[Tiberia]

It sounds to me like you need to get out of the family caregiving situation now, not in three years.

If you are in a situation where you mutually benefit from the caregiving (if you are living with the family member rent free or something like that), I think the first step is to get some distance and independence. I don't think it will be easier in three years just because dd is leaving, although that gives you a good reason for moving.

It just seems to me that the caregiving situation is sucking the life from you. So don't wait. Give the family member plenty of notice, say, three to six months. Then start preparing for independence, either by getting a part time job or by getting training and a job. Your first job may be low-paying (say, lunch lady at a school or library assistant or grocery store worker), but I think once you get out in the work-force, your confidence will come back and you'll get a better job in a short time. 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think you have a wonderful opportunity ahead of you. 

[elegantlion]

I don't know if I have any real advice, but I started college at age 46 when my marriage imploded. I don't really recommend my path which is me still being in school (now grad school) a decade later. But I do know that reinventing yourself in your mid 40s + is quite possible. 

I started by considering what I wanted and didn't want out of life. It sounds like you have done some of that. I carried around a little notebook outlining all the hard things I had to do. Ironically, I decided that 2023 is going to be the year of me doing braver things. Not save the world brave, but making those phone calls or reaching out to people (I'm a hermit basically) and taking some risks, avoiding the advoiding if that makes sense. 

It may appear overwhelming, but each step forward will make the path clearer. 

[Grace Hopper]

5 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

I think you are doing well to already be thinking about what you need your future to look like in order to be emotionally and financially safe. That is good.

My first suggestion is to see if you can find a support group in your area.

My second suggestion is that it is okay for you to seek university employment and even move now. Dd is not entitled to dorms and such. Living at home and commuting is a good money saver, and if she wants to live on campus, knowing that now and having summer jobs to help pay for those expenses is just fine. Be up front with her. Gentle, but up front about the situation.

3rd and very important, now is the time to extricate yourself from the care taking situation because finding resources and making transitions can be slow going. So you want to say to this person what you are willing to do now, and give deadlines for which you will withdraw this thing or that service until that person is in a care facility or paying for care givers or moved in with a different relative or whatever it turns out to be. The heads up is fair, but it is also more than fair to set up a calendar that says, by this and that date, I will no longer be able to do x,y, z for you. Since you are having a late in your earning years big change, you simply cannot afford to delay the process because you need to be able to get employed and find benefits. Unfortunately, intensive care giving of an elder or medically fragile person can wreck havoc on this. Do not feel guilty about making these changes, and taking charge of your life.

It is also okay to look at other states besides your old university location. In most states, 2 years is the necessary amount of residency to qualify for instate tuition for your dd. So if you have three years, you have several months to look and make a plan. And again, letting her know you can offer your home, but not the finances for dorms and meal plans is just fine. Brown bagging it from home works, and if she is willing to be proactive about joining clubs, activities, and study groups, she will still be able to find a tribe, form social connections.

I agree and if no one else but you and your dd are the ones who must cover all college costs, then you might approach discussions with her with the fact that the two of you are a team. Her input should be considered but you’ll both probably be making some sacrifices. 

[Grace Hopper]

3 hours ago, Tiberia said:

It sounds to me like you need to get out of the family caregiving situation now, not in three years.

If you are in a situation where you mutually benefit from the caregiving (if you are living with the family member rent free or something like that), I think the first step is to get some distance and independence. I don't think it will be easier in three years just because dd is leaving, although that gives you a good reason for moving.

It just seems to me that the caregiving situation is sucking the life from you. So don't wait. Give the family member plenty of notice, say, three to six months. Then start preparing for independence, either by getting a part time job or by getting training and a job. Your first job may be low-paying (say, lunch lady at a school or library assistant or grocery store worker), but I think once you get out in the work-force, your confidence will come back and you'll get a better job in a short time. 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think you have a wonderful opportunity ahead of you.

Edited January 3, 2023 by Grace Hopper

[Resilient]

I'm 65 and have had a very stable life, both with my family and with the people we have known all our lives.

Mom was the only one of her 7 friends who had a college degree. But when they all turned about 40, all but one went back to college and became teachers.  That might not be your path, but I mention it because it is a possibility.

By the time I was 45, I had had three "careers" - only the first one related to my college degree.  I went back and got a graduate degree, and quit working at age 39 (kid) after using that grad degree to make a long-term path forward.  My points: 1)the college degree was useful but not limiting. 2)that grad degree got me the cash to make the rest of my life a lot easier. 

Mom had pretty "blue collar" jobs all along.  My dad decided (unilaterally) to retire and Mom went back to work at 58yo, and with that work and all the other jobs she had held, she pieced together a retirement fund (including a pension of $20 a month which she found from a job 35 years earlier, and she took it!) and my parents lived - not high on the hog, but with decent travel, eating out, etc. - a good life until they died in their early (Dad) and late (Mom) 90s.  That is way more demanding than the situation you are facing, and I mention it to encourage you that you have a LOT of options and hope.  

I went back to work just to structure my days...a very minimal time commitment but it gets me out of bed...and while I couldn't live on it, the spare cash is handy.  I could work more hours and make a decent living, but I don't have to and don't want to.  So there is that too.

YOU CAN DO THIS.  Think and explore and do some research to figure out where you want to direct your efforts. You will be fine.  You have plenty of time.  Really, when you think about it, the first 14 years of your life, you're pretty unconscious.  So you've really (maybe) been paying attention for less than half of the life you have to spend before you get a bit creaky and start making the Old Lady Sounds.  (And even then, you can make some cash...ask me how I know.)

I will say that my parents owned their house, and lived frugally and that made a big diff.  

 

[sassenach]

15 hours ago, Quill said:

I think the plan to move to dd’s university town is a good one. I am a big believer in reinvention. I did not start completely from scratch but I did reinvent myself at the end of my forties. I was waking up in the morning with this thought in my head: “What am I *doing?*” I was so tired of the rut I felt trapped in.
 

I started trying to get a job in late 2019; I was looking for a secretarial/admin position. I did not find one before Covid struck. So once stuck at home in quarantine, I did an online paralegal certification, though I had not worked in a law firm in over two decades. It took a few more months but I got a job at a tiny law firm. My pay was small as well. But in two years, I have multiplied that little coin into more. I now feel very reinvented. I am 51 and no longer wake up asking myself what I’m doing. I feel like the pilot of my own life for the first time in a couple of decades. 
 

You can do it! You can decide who you want to be. You can discard the things and people who do not support and help your vision. I recommend getting the living and working aspect squared away first; then you can build up relationships that support You V.2. 

As an aside, this has been really fun to watch. You did the thing! It’s really too bad we won’t get as many details on the new gig but I’m excited for you!

[barnwife]

I have no helpful advice. I just want to know that you are not the only one in this position. And while it's true that it's hard (really, really hard!), it's also true that you can do this!

[pitterpatter]

I added a PPS in the first post.

[Guest]

I read your PPS. I understand. I am so sorry for your pain. I think there is a beauty in your attitude towards your mate. I get it more than some probably will. 

[Jaybee]

24 minutes ago, pitterpatter said:

I added a PPS in the first post.

That's a lot. Hugs to you, and prayers for a good and clear path forward.

[pitterpatter]

Thank you both (and others) for the inspiration. While I do see the future as an opportunity that I'm in some ways excited about, all that excitement fades when I remember that DH won't be by my side. The possibilities seem overwhelming. And, I'm having a hard time deciding what to do with the rest of my life. I really am hoping to find a workbook of sorts. I want DD to soar, but I also want to be around, if she needs me. (She's an only child who has been homeschooled her entire life after all.) She knows enough about the situation to know that DH and I will be parting ways in the future. And, she knows what the caregiving situation has done to me and our family. Because, DD lived it too. She was by my side the whole way. The outside world doesn't get it, but she sacrificed the second most. But, it was never her choice, and I regret it.

DD and I have discussed her needs and that is how we came up with her going to college as the deadline, if you want to call it that. We talk about my future, and she hopes that I will find friends and happiness. While DH has good intentions to pay for/help pay for her college, he's not really living in the real world right now. So, I can't rely on his intentions. We have long promised DD a college education. It was all planned and if we stay together, we will have the money. Apart, not so much. I am trying to plan for the worst. That is one reason I think moving close to wherever she goes to school might be a possibility. If it really came down to it financially, she could live with me, if she had to. We are a team of sorts, but she wants independence too. And, she's going to need a home base for school breaks, etc. That's going to be difficult enough because her childhood home will be sold and gone to a different to family. She won't really ever be coming "home."
 

13 hours ago, elegantlion said:

I don't know if I have any real advice, but I started college at age 46 when my marriage imploded. I don't really recommend my path which is me still being in school (now grad school) a decade later. But I do know that reinventing yourself in your mid 40s + is quite possible. 

I started by considering what I wanted and didn't want out of life. It sounds like you have done some of that. I carried around a little notebook outlining all the hard things I had to do. Ironically, I decided that 2023 is going to be the year of me doing braver things. Not save the world brave, but making those phone calls or reaching out to people (I'm a hermit basically) and taking some risks, avoiding the advoiding if that makes sense. 

It may appear overwhelming, but each step forward will make the path clearer. 

 

9 hours ago, Resilient said:

I'm 65 and have had a very stable life, both with my family and with the people we have known all our lives.

Mom was the only one of her 7 friends who had a college degree. But when they all turned about 40, all but one went back to college and became teachers.  That might not be your path, but I mention it because it is a possibility.

By the time I was 45, I had had three "careers" - only the first one related to my college degree.  I went back and got a graduate degree, and quit working at age 39 (kid) after using that grad degree to make a long-term path forward.  My points: 1)the college degree was useful but not limiting. 2)that grad degree got me the cash to make the rest of my life a lot easier. 

Mom had pretty "blue collar" jobs all along.  My dad decided (unilaterally) to retire and Mom went back to work at 58yo, and with that work and all the other jobs she had held, she pieced together a retirement fund (including a pension of $20 a month which she found from a job 35 years earlier, and she took it!) and my parents lived - not high on the hog, but with decent travel, eating out, etc. - a good life until they died in their early (Dad) and late (Mom) 90s.  That is way more demanding than the situation you are facing, and I mention it to encourage you that you have a LOT of options and hope.  

I went back to work just to structure my days...a very minimal time commitment but it gets me out of bed...and while I couldn't live on it, the spare cash is handy.  I could work more hours and make a decent living, but I don't have to and don't want to.  So there is that too.

YOU CAN DO THIS.  Think and explore and do some research to figure out where you want to direct your efforts. You will be fine.  You have plenty of time.  Really, when you think about it, the first 14 years of your life, you're pretty unconscious.  So you've really (maybe) been paying attention for less than half of the life you have to spend before you get a bit creaky and start making the Old Lady Sounds.  (And even then, you can make some cash...ask me how I know.)

I will say that my parents owned their house, and lived frugally and that made a big diff.  

 

 

[Faith-manor]

It sounds like getting an evening or weekend job of just any kind for now while you are homeschooling her would be good since you may not move for a bit yet. Even if it is cashiering or working at Taco Bell or whatever, it is recent work experience, and gives you a paycheck to bank to help you get started in the new place. Definitely pulling the plug on the caring giving had to happen. You can't really get yourself set up in a new area without some financial resources, and going back into the workforce is a natural transition for ending the care giving situation.

Home is where the heart is. Selling the family house and downsizing post childbearing years is super, duper common. She will be fine. She has the memories. And you will have a new place, and new memories to make. You can even make it fun such as planning the decorations and themes with her for the first Christmas in the new place, planning the decor, talking even now about what the two of you would enjoy. It doesn't have to be a downer.

My parents sold their house when I left for college. My sister was 2 years old at the time, so we didn't even grow up on the same house really. It has not been a problem or a cause for sadness. Same for my husband's parents. My brother has moved often enough that his grown children do not really have a concept of a family home centered around a house. Your Dd is going to be just fine. I think it is actually harder for you because you imagined and counted on your life playing out in a particular way, and it has been upended. That is hard. You grieve for what might have been. Natural. 

Many, many hugs!

Edited January 3, 2023 by Faith-manor

[prairiewindmomma]

With the additional information, I think I would focus on two things:

1. Looking at what you might do to update your skill set (taking a class here or there online)

and

2. Beginning to process stuff in your physical home. We did a major downsize almost a decade ago and it took me well over a year to process “the stuff”. But, processing “the stuff” was emotional as well as physical work that helped bring a lot of closure. Start the new year “decluttering”. Get boxes of photos labeled and taken care of. Whatever those projects were you have been putting off around the house—-minimizing now will let you update paint and prep the house for listing in an easier way in the future. Hopefully by then the economy will be pulling out a little out of this recession. I think we will be down in 2023 and 2024 and maybe pulling up by 2025.

[KungFuPanda]

Do you have someone you could live with that has room for you and dd during her home base visits? Paying for college was like having two mortgages in a HCOL area. That’ll be tough if you are struggling to make rent. Renting a room or staying with relatives while you work as much as possible might help get you both to a better place. 

[Sweets]

Hello:  After reading your update, I realize that my sister's situation was not quite the same as yours although I do think that the advice of counseling and putting your needs first is very appropriate. I agree with what others have said:  You need to give up the caretaking position if at all possible. You are giving so much to so many but yet your life is suffering. I know in my case I was finally able to share responsibility for my sister's needs with one of her daughters after my niece relocated here.

[pitterpatter]

I actually hope that my Teachers Pay Teachers work experience counts for something. I haven't been sitting around. Lol. It is a real job. It's hard work that uses many skills. It's just that I work from home. I pay the government, and into Social Security. I have been at it since 2012. For a couple of years, I worked full time at it and more, in addition to teaching DD. And, in addition to the caregiving. The money from the past few years has been banked for DD's education, and vacations and such. I'm still banking it. But, when DH and I split, that money will get split too. And then, I will have to live on future earnings. No more banking. I haven't been able to grow the stores much the past couple of years because I've been too mentally exhausted. I'm hoping to get to a place soon where I can throw myself back into again. The market is tougher now, though. I had a pretty good cash cow, at one point, but it's more like a cash calf now. I still make at or well more than (depending on the month) what I could make working minimum wage 20 hours a week, though. I will ultimately get a job outside the home too. Hopefully, TPT will still be a side hustle that will be able to pay a good chunk of DD's college while she's actually in school. Fingers crossed, but I know it's dangerous to count on passive income and an uncertain future.

Thank you for the "home is where the heart is" thought. We live rurally, and a lot people live in one place forever. I know DD will be okay leaving the house in the end, but it will be bittersweet. This has been house and school together. We designed this place for her...before she was ever conceived. But, in truth, we're all ready to move (have been for a while), and may have by now, if it weren't for the caregiving situation.
 

1 hour ago, Faith-manor said:

It sounds like getting an evening or weekend job of just any kind for now while you are homeschooling her would be good since you may not move for a bit yet. Even if it is cashiering or working at Taco Bell or whatever, it is recent work experience, and gives you a paycheck to bank to help you get started in the new place. Definitely pulling the plug on the caring giving had to happen. You can't really get yourself set up in a new area without some financial resources, and going back into the workforce is a natural transition for ending the care giving situation.

Home is where the heart is. Selling the family house and downsizing post childbearing years is super, duper common. She will be fine. She has the memories. And you will have a new place, and new memories to make. You can even make it fun such as planning the decorations and themes with her for the first Christmas in the new place, planning the decor, talking even now about what the two of you would enjoy. It doesn't have to be a downer.

My parents sold their house when I left for college. My sister was 2 years old at the time, so we didn't even grow up on the same house really. It has not been a problem or a cause for sadness. Same for my husband's parents. My brother has moved often enough that his grown children do not really have a concept of a family home centered around a house. Your Dd is going to be just fine. I think it is actually harder for you because you imagined and counted on your life playing out in a particular way, and it has been upended. That is hard. You grieve for what might have been. Natural. 

Many, many hugs!

 

[pitterpatter]

Yes, yes!! I have been eBaying stuff. Money from DD's toys goes into a special account for her future self. And, anything else goes into a special account for us. (Like vacations we may take...just the two of us. Or, summer camps for her.) Christmas came and I fell off that wagon. I need to get back on it. Thank you for the reminder. I will go downstairs and grab a couple of things to post today.

43 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

With the additional information, I think I would focus on two things:

1. Looking at what you might do to update your skill set (taking a class here or there online)

and

2. Beginning to process stuff in your physical home. We did a major downsize almost a decade ago and it took me well over a year to process “the stuff”. But, processing “the stuff” was emotional as well as physical work that helped bring a lot of closure. Start the new year “decluttering”. Get boxes of photos labeled and taken care of. Whatever those projects were you have been putting off around the house—-minimizing now will let you update paint and prep the house for listing in an easier way in the future. Hopefully by then the economy will be pulling out a little out of this recession. I think we will be down in 2023 and 2024 and maybe pulling up by 2025.

I am trying to decide whether to try to pick up a medical-related degree/certification of some sort. Something that is a two-year program, but I just don't know whether I want to do that or stick with the skills I already have. I half wondered whether there will be travel nurse type opportunities for other health positions in the future. I think that would enable me to travel a bit. But then, I don't know whether I'll have the energy for 12-hour shift work, or working overnights, etc.

[Storygirl]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I think that the money that you have worked so hard for and saved for your daughter's education needs to be saved and earmarked for her college expenses and protected from being divided up. Have you looked into putting it in a 529 plan?

[pitterpatter]

I have, but everything I've considered would count against the financial aid the government might give her. I've opened bank accounts to save various moneys in, but she's not owners on any of them. (Check writer and beneficiary only.) The government penalizes student assets at a much higher rate than parent assets. I also waffle on dumping large sums of money into something I can't easily retrieve it from. I want the money to be DD's alone, but I can think of several scenarios where we would need to access it to survive. For example, if my DH's mental health gets to a state where he loses his job. Then, it's me alone in survival mode for us all. Then, we would have a $1,000 a month COBRA payment to make for the health insurance DH requires to live (in a very literal sense). This is a reason that it is very difficult to split. We are stronger financially together. Child support, alimony, and his medical bills would sink him into a very low quality of life. He has a very expensive disease. DH isn't a monster. He's troubled. We have some very difficult issues we are trying to work through, but neither of us wants the other to suffer.
 

25 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I think that the money that you have worked so hard for and saved for your daughter's education needs to be saved and earmarked for her college expenses and protected from being divided up. Have you looked into putting it in a 529 plan?

[prairiewindmomma]

One thing to look out for: while your current mortgage in a rural area may be low, even an apartment can be quite expensive right now. A relative recently divorced, stayed within a couple of miles of where they had a home, but a 2BR apartment was more than their previous mortgage on a not-small home. Make sure you have good numbers of your projected future needs. I think that may drive a lot of your decision making about future work.

[mommyoffive]

I have no real advice, but I just wanted to send some hugs your way.  I read your update and it sounds like such a hard situation.  I am sorry.  I think selling on Ebay and getting your TPT store back into making more money would be a great first step.  Congratulations on making your TPT such a success.  

I think counseling would be such a great thing for you to do as you go through this process.  

[pitterpatter]

I do want this. DH's mental health comes first right now, though. I'm hoping he will be able to step down to once every other week in the near-ish future. At that point, I hope I can pick up the other two weeks. Lol. It's expensive. Like half a rent/house payment expensive.

12 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

I think counseling would be such a great thing for you to do as you go through this process.  

 

[Storygirl]

You probably know these things, but you can keep a 529 in your name, to keep it from becoming a direct asset of your daughter's. It might be worth consulting with an attorney to figure out whether a 529 with your name as the sole owner would be protected in a divorce. I don't know the answer to that. You can take 529 money out to use for other things in an emergency. There is a penalty, but perhaps the risk of having to pay a penalty would be worth using an account to protect the educational savings. Also, you could use the 529 funds for your own futher education; you can move the money between beneficiaries.

[pitterpatter]

I researched all this several months ago. I can't remember what I learned now. Lol. Too much mental/emotional stuff going on. I think I learned that is it a marital asset. And, that there was no real financial benefit this late in the game. And, then there was the bit about if I put it in DD's name, the government penalizing her financial eligibility/aid by 20 percent instead of a 5-6 percent. I think I ultimately chickened out because the market was a bit volatile at the time. It is all quite overwhelming. I do wish I had someone to definitively tell me what to do. I do have bits of money stashed in various pockets that only I know how to get to in case we just need to leave at some point. But, ultimately, it all legally has to be disclosed in a divorce. I can only pull so much cash and buy so many gift cards before it becomes obvious or starts hurting us in present time. I'm not very good at deceit. It's not my nature. And, it all feels like deceit. I hate it all so much. I just want my warm, stable life back. 😩 Not that anything you recommended is deceitful. It's totally not. It just sent my mind on a tangent.

25 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

You probably know these things, but you can keep a 529 in your name, to keep it from becoming a direct asset of your daughter's. It might be worth consulting with an attorney to figure out whether a 529 with your name as the sole owner would be protected in a divorce. I don't know the answer to that. You can take 529 money out to use for other things in an emergency. There is a penalty, but perhaps the risk of having to pay a penalty would be worth using an account to protect the educational savings. Also, you could use the 529 funds for your own futher education; you can move the money between beneficiaries.

[Lecka]

1) Would he have to contribute to college expenses, out of his share of assets after the divorce, as part of the divorce agreement?

2) Would it make sense to divorce earlier and go ahead and live together but unwind your money?  Would it be better for you to get divorced while your husband is employed?  Can you get your own health insurance?  Is this something you would need to think of anyway with a risk of your husband becoming unemployed?  
 

 

[pitterpatter]

I don't know. It is all so complex. Of course, I would insist that he pay his fair share of college expenses in a divorce. But, I also know that by taking half our assets and then demanding child support and health insurance for DD, and possibly alimony (at least until we finish our homeschooling years), and whatever else, it will leave him in a horrible financial bind that will lead to more depression, which would mean that DD won't get to have a fully functioning father in her life. (Or, any at all.) I think we paid roughly $20,000 in health insurance premiums and actual out-of-pocket costs last year. Most of that was his stuff. Part of us staying together right now is so that I can continue homeschooling DD and have health insurance. And, to keep DD out of custody agreements.

DH and I had many, many good years together. (And, we still do stuff and have good times together.) He definitely has been the primary breadwinner since DD was born, but I contributed quite a lot at the beginner of our marriage. And, I stepped up with my TPT store when he lost his long-time job months before the whole caregiving situation kicked in. It was me who made it all work during the transitional time.

I would not be able to get decent or affordable healthcare on my own (outside of working full time for a sizable company) in my state, if we divorce. Our state really sucks in that department. There is nothing for the self employed. Not anymore. A religious cost-sharing group would be my only option. And, most probably wouldn't let me in.

Call me stupid on this, but one part of me wants to keep the marriage open as long as possible in case DH needs MY health insurance one day. (In some future job that I don't have yet.) He cannot go without quality health insurance...not for more than a couple of months. I've never mentioned this to him, but if he lost his job, I absolutely would pick up the torch for him. He's provided DD and me a good life. And, I take my share of the responsibility in the failure of our marriage. Another part of me knows I need to learn to take care of myself first because if the wrong person comes in DH's life, the show's over. They will show no mercy in getting what they want out of DH. And, DD won't matter one bit. It's super scary.
 

1 hour ago, Lecka said:

1) Would he have to contribute to college expenses, out of his share of assets after the divorce, as part of the divorce agreement?

2) Would it make sense to divorce earlier and go ahead and live together but unwind your money?  Would it be better for you to get divorced while your husband is employed?  Can you get your own health insurance?  Is this something you would need to think of anyway with a risk of your husband becoming unemployed?

Edited January 3, 2023 by pitterpatter

[prairiewindmomma]

pitter-patter--While one would hope that a divorce decree would require college expenses to be paid for, or some degree of alimony, this very much differs by judge and by state.  Given your dh's instability, I would seriously consider planning future life as if he makes zero contribution beyond whatever division of current assets that you have.  It's quite possible that he would become unemployed/unemployable/unavailable for income in the future.  One major depressive episode could leave you without additional funding, iykwim. Likewise, I think I would look at whatever possible employment could offer you health insurance. Health sharing is not health insurance. As someone who unexpectedly has had to deal with chronic health issues, let me caution you that one surprise illness or accident could drive you into bankruptcy.  A decent health insurance plan + a living wage should be your top priority in planning right now.  

You mentioned travel nursing up above as a possibility. Any chance you can get relicensed or whatever it is that you need to do? That'd be a way to make bank for a few years and then settle in to looking at other options once you have a more secure cushion around you.  I have a lot of friends who go into dialysis or other areas of nursing with settled hours and steady pay and not a lot of workplace drama. At 45, you realistically have at least 25 years of working life ahead of you....I wouldn't plan that TPT is going to be a life-supporting stream of income once you have all of your self-employment expenditures---insurance, retirement, etc. Even if you're somehow clearing $7-8k/month from that, a good chunk of that $ is going to go towards recreating the benefits you could otherwise be getting from an employer and taxes. Living expenses will take the rest. Let that be a second stream cushion but aim high for your primary support.

[pitterpatter]

I'm actually not a nurse. I was thinking about other healthfield-related jobs that I could acquire with a two-year program that might be needed in the same way as a travel nurse.

12 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

 You mentioned travel nursing up above as a possibility. Any chance you can get relicensed or whatever it is that you need to do?

 

[Eos]

12 hours ago, pitterpatter said:

I'm actually not a nurse. I was thinking about other healthfield-related jobs that I could acquire with a two-year program that might be needed in the same way as a travel nurse.

 

Private care for the elderly is well paid in many areas.  Not quite nursing other than medication reminders or similar, but driving, shopping, and companionship that keeps people in their homes is a second career for many former SAHMs I know.

[Sneezyone]

20 hours ago, pitterpatter said:

I have, but everything I've considered would count against the financial aid the government might give her. I've opened bank accounts to save various moneys in, but she's not owners on any of them. (Check writer and beneficiary only.) The government penalizes student assets at a much higher rate than parent assets. I also waffle on dumping large sums of money into something I can't easily retrieve it from. I want the money to be DD's alone, but I can think of several scenarios where we would need to access it to survive. For example, if my DH's mental health gets to a state where he loses his job. Then, it's me alone in survival mode for us all. Then, we would have a $1,000 a month COBRA payment to make for the health insurance DH requires to live (in a very literal sense). This is a reason that it is very difficult to split. We are stronger financially together. Child support, alimony, and his medical bills would sink him into a very low quality of life. He has a very expensive disease. DH isn't a monster. He's troubled. We have some very difficult issues we are trying to work through, but neither of us wants the other to suffer.
 

Just FYI- 529 accounts aren’t treated as student assets. They’re treated as parent assets but calculated at a lower rate than cash or savings accounts.

[ktgrok]

On 1/2/2023 at 5:43 PM, KungFuPanda said:

If you’re employable, I’d start with a job. It’ll extricate you from the caregiver situation and allow you to invest in yourself. If you need a class or training to get started, I’d enroll now if at all possible. This will also reduce your availability for caregiving. 
 

Even if your first job isn’t the forever job, it’s a start and a stepping stone to the NEXT job. It’ll take care of that gap in work history. It’ll get you rolling with income and insurance and a 401k. 

This. I love the idea of a job in education - but what about maybe something in a highschool, so you would have summers off, winter break, etc when you could travel? I don't know if university jobs would have that kind of flexibility to allow for travel? (maybe they do?)

Another option is a work from home job that you can do from anywhere, but that wouldn't help you make new friends/social circle the way thtat an out of the house job would. 

Hugs. I've BTDT with a spouse that wasn't mentally healthy enough to be a partner. it's hard. it's really hard, and it is also hard to leave and worry that you are "abandoning"t hem when they need you. But you can't fix someone else - and they CAN and usually WILL pull you down with them. At that point survival usually means taking off to save yourself. 

[ktgrok]

17 hours ago, pitterpatter said:

I'm actually not a nurse. I was thinking about other healthfield-related jobs that I could acquire with a two-year program that might be needed in the same way as a travel nurse.

 

I'm aquaintances online with someone that works in a lab in a hospital, does travel some for it. 

[ktgrok]

I will say, making changes BEFORE dd moves to college may be better - or waiting a year after. It is VERY hard on a new college student to move away from home, and then find out they can't even go home to visit, because parents divorced and sold said home. It's just too much change at once. 

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, ktgrok said:

I will say, making changes BEFORE dd moves to college may be better - or waiting a year after. It is VERY hard on a new college student to move away from home, and then find out they can't even go home to visit, because parents divorced and sold said home. It's just too much change at once. 

I agree with this. I also think it can be rough to deal with during summer semester when they want to find a job, and are hoping for support and stability from home. I would want that done before college starts actually. Plus, FASFA is a pain. A major pain, and one you can't escape. It will be far worse if the application has to go in but is not reflective of the financial situation in the coming months. Having the divorce done by senior year, and the finances sorted would be better even if it means temporary housing the senior year, and moving to the college town in the summer.

[pitterpatter]

DD and I discussed this this morning. Your advice is similar to what we came up with....that it would be good to move by the beginning of the summer before college, but a little earlier would be even better. The thing we really need to figure out is whether she'll actually be going to my alma mater. There is one career path she's considering that may or may not be possible there. Your advice is sound, but I'm starting to feel crunched in figuring this all out.

14 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

I agree with this. I also think it can be rough to deal with during summer semester when they want to find a job, and are hoping for support and stability from home. I would want that done before college starts actually. Plus, FASFA is a pain. A major pain, and one you can't escape. It will be far worse if the application has to go in but is not reflective of the financial situation in the coming months. Having the divorce done by senior year, and the finances sorted would be better even if it means temporary housing the senior year, and moving to the college town in the summer.

[Faith-manor]

I am so sorry. It stinks to high heaven! Maybe this year besides focusing on figuring out the finances and settlement options, have her do some job shadowing in fields she is interested in, and especially the one that your alma mater doesn't offer. She might get some insight into exactly what she wants to do for a career which would give you clarity about your options. If it looks like she is wanting to head to your alma mater, find out what their ideal applicants have for gpa, APs or DE, extra curriculars, etc. and then spend the following two years making sure she gets those things. If the school is a financial safety as well as an academic safety instead of a reach school that will make it pretty likely that she gets accepted. If it is a reach school, I would not plan on it being a viable option for moving prior to both the acceptance and the financial award letters are issued. 

I wish college was not such a high stakes game!

But I do think that probably, the divorce should take place prior to college applications because you need the settlement numbers and full financial picture prior to FAFSA if at all possible, and if he can take half the college money as an asset of the marriage, without a divorce decree judgment that says he agrees to pay x,y,z towards college, he will not be under any obligation to help her. Verbal arrangements mean exactly nothing. My brother agreed to $2500 per year per each of his sons (none of whom would be in college at the same time due to wide age range) verbally, but not as part of the final divorce agreement. His eldest son was counting on that money. He didn't pay a dime, and nothing could be done about it.

If he were to lose his insurance in the future and you were in a financial position to help him and wanted to do so, you could gift some money to him for buying a policy on the market place. Should his mental health deteriorate enough he cannot work, he might be eligible for medicaid.

It might be helpful to consult both a divorce attorney and a financial adviser with expertise in college planning. Attorneys tend to not necessarily have any specific knowledge about college financing.

Edited January 4, 2023 by Faith-manor

[BusyMom5]

I wouldn't worry about the college decision yet.  Take care of today- you can rent a house near any college town when the time comes.   That can be decided later.  It sounds like its time to break now. 

I'm sorry 😞    I wish it were different for both you, your DD, and your husband.  It sounds like your DD already knows what is happening, and keeping in this holding pattern is keeping all 3 of you from moving forward.  Its time, and its okay to put your needs first.  If you want to take classes and get a degree or certification in a particular area, find out where you can do that.   

Hugs!  

[pitterpatter]

I want to thank everyone for the advice. You have made a lot of great points and given me a lot to think about. You have helped me process and move on mentally in a time where I was having a really tough time.

There are two things I'm really struggling with. One is how to get out of the caregiving situation. I have been trying to figure this out for more than five years now. And, I simply can't. I seem to be THE solution. The person I provide caregiving services for isn't currently unwell enough to go into a facility. But, this person does need real support. Sometimes, this support is only needed twice a week. But, I'm ALWAYS on call, which causes anxiety. And when things go south, I can be providing services daily, in the middle of night, etc. (DH and I had to leave Christmas with his family this year to run this person to the hospital.) And, I can't go anywhere without making sure I have kits prepared. It takes a little over an hour to make 2-3 kits, if I hurry. And, one kit is needed at least every four days when things are going well. If things are not going well, I might use two kits in one day and two more the next day or the day after. It involves making/crafting, not just gathering supplies. And, it's more than that. I have to analyze the situation when things aren't going well and figure out how to make modifications that work. Sometimes, they don't. And, I lose more life. I have to perform well to have any kind of life. So, there is stress in making the kits. I have to always be at the top of my game with these kits or life will quickly become more intensively stressful. Going on vacation requires a lot of preparation and planning.

In-home health isn't the solution people generally think it is. There are many rules with Medicare. It is very temporary and requires improvement for the services to continue. The goal is to train someone in the home/family to carry out the nursing duties. Once that is achieved, that's it. They're gone, and they won't come back unless a new and different issue arises. It doesn't matter in this case, they aren't skilled enough to do what needs to be done. Nurses in the hospitals aren't even skilled enough. And, neither will make the kits, as they can't dedicate that much time to one patient. I literally have had to go to the hospital to perform the service...many times. (Nurses have cried and walked out, and flat out refused.) And, when this person was temporarily in a nursing home, I had to do it there too. No one else in my family will do it (or in some cases, truly can't do it). The person I care give for can do the service well enough for a week or two while I'm on vacation with the kits I make when things are going well. When the person is truly ill, they cannot (and, it's a true can't, not a won't...people can't do things when they are so ill that they have a hard time staying conscious). The situation makes me feel hopeless and irrevocably trapped. I literally have to tamp down my emotions to stay sane. I have to fix myself in kind of a depressive state or the repression becomes unbearable. Life becomes too disappointing otherwise. Vacations are difficult to come back from.

The other thing I don't get is that if I'm working full time as a single mom, who is supposed to homeschool my daughter? All I see in that is her being alone for hours on end and miserable...a situation where she'll be at high risk for becoming depressed herself.