different types of people

[chocolate-chip chooky]

My husband has to leave for the airport in an hour. He's going overseas for two weeks for work. He hasn't begun packing. As in, he hasn't even got the luggage out of the cupboard yet, let alone started packing it.

I will leave for an overseas trip in about four weeks. I already have lists of what I need to pack, what I need to sort out before I go etc.

I need to accept that he's an adult doing things his way, but I can't help but worry about those unexpected things. Like, what if he gets the luggage out and the zip doesn't work?

I'm sure there must be memes about this. It would be funny if I didn't find it stressful.

Edited November 19, 2022 by chocolate-chip chooky

[Tanaqui]

How... how long is it going to take him to pack?

Is this the sort of situation where it might be a good idea to start the popcorn now and put Yakety Sax on loop? Or would it be better to nope out of all this entirely and head to the park/movies/library/whatevs?

[chocolate-chip chooky]

Just now, Tanaqui said:

How... how long is it going to take him to pack?

Is this the sort of situation where it might be a good idea to start the popcorn now and put Yakety Sax on loop? Or would it be better to nope out of all this entirely and head to the park/movies/library/whatevs?

Good question. Hopefully less than an hour? It's not like he's got piles of clothes and stuff all ready in piles to just put in the luggage either. He's done zippo preparation.

I'm heading for a long shower.

[Tanaqui]

Well, I wish him luck!

[alisoncooks]

Oh man, that would stress me out! I pack (or at least have lists) super early. 

[regentrude]

12 minutes ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

Good question. Hopefully less than an hour? It's not like he's got piles of clothes and stuff all ready in piles to just put in the luggage either. He's done zippo preparation.

Is he traveling often? Is it business?

My dh travels quite a bit, and it doesn't take him more than 15 minutes to pack if he's going by himself and no outdoor gear is needed.

[Lecka]

If he got to his destination and his luggage was lost, he would manage.  He will be okay.  

[SKL]

I pack pretty fast.  My needs are pretty simple.  I'd say it probably takes me about 10 minutes to pack for most trips.

We have enough suitcases that if a zipper breaks, I can quickly switch to another one.

Where I get nervous is when people are too relaxed about getting to the airport early.  We have no control over how long security is going to take.

[theelfqueen]

46 minutes ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

My husband has to leave for the airport in an hour. He's going overseas for two weeks for work. He hasn't begun packing. As in, he hasn't even got the luggage out of the cupboard yet, let alone started packing it.

I will leave for an overseas trip in about four weeks. I already have lists of what I need to pack, what I need to sort out before I go etc.

I need to accept that he's an adult doing things his way, but I can't help but worry about those unexpected things. Like, what if he gets the luggage out and the zip doesn't work?

I'm sure there must be memes about this. It would be funny if I didn't find it stressful.

My husband is like that. He's former Air Force which included a lot of travel time... and his civilian career requires a ton of travel.  He likes to pack the morning that he's leaving unless he is leaving before like 6 AM... makes me insane. 

I'm more like you ... but I'm also used to planning and packing for kids which always means discovering their socks all have developed holes and their swim suit no longer fits.... requires more planning. 

Edited November 19, 2022 by theelfqueen

[SKL]

Yeah, adding kids into the mix is a whole other conversation.  😛  I've been hands off for years as far as their suitcases, but I do need to plan to have all the laundry up to date, make sure occasional-use things still fit, legal/travel papers for all of us, and a few emergency essentials (like pads) in case everyone else forgets.  Then the walk-through in the end, to make sure toilets are flushed, lights are off, there's no nasty food garbage or wet cloths to fester while we're gone, ....

[Drama Llama]

He’s not taking any kids or leaving the house empty?  An hour would be more than plenty for me, assuming the laundry is up to date.

 

[regentrude]

13 minutes ago, SKL said:

 😛   Then the walk-through in the end, to make sure toilets are flushed, lights are off, there's no nasty food garbage or wet cloths to fester while we're gone, ....

Yes, leaving the house empty is a big game changer that adds a lot of extra.

One adult leaving with carry-on luggage and a credit card, while others stay behind? No big deal.

Edited November 19, 2022 by regentrude

[cjzimmer1]

Well since it only take me about 3 hours to pack everything for 8 people for an 8 day "vacation" that includes the need to bring my own sheets, blankets, bedding, rugs, fans, alarm clocks, extension cords, dishes, snacks etc in addition to just clothes.  I can't imagine needing more than 15-20 minutes to pack only myself for a trip where I only had to bring clothes and personal items.  

Edited November 19, 2022 by cjzimmer1

[chocolate-chip chooky]

Well, he's out the door. Half an hour later than intended, but he's off. I hope traffic is okay. It's a good hour to the airport.

And no, he didn't need to worry about anyone other than himself, which certainly simplifies things, I'm sure.

I understand that the actual packing may only take a short time. It's the unexpected things that I personally want a good buffer of time for. I want at least one shopping day of buffer for any last-minute crises.

As he was leaving, I asked if he organised travel insurance. Nope, he hadn't thought of that. He said he'll do that once he gets to the airport.

And I just found a single key on the floor. Hope he didn't need that.

It isn't that one style is necessarily right or wrong. It's just so different. 

[Indigo Blue]

One son is like this. At some point when he was still living here, I told myself I was going to totally 100 percent let him be responsible for himself. I wasn’t getting anywhere worrying about it, and it’s wasn’t going to change. So I did. Not saying you should. I just did because it was super stressful and I had to get that off me. Flights? Last minute. Packing? Last minute. SAT prep? Last minute. College entrance deadlines? Last minute. Research paper? Last minute. I stopped saying a word about it. He always got/gets everything done, and it’s done well and right. Don’t know how, but he does it. My reminding /prompting had no effect. So I just left each and everything to him. 
 

I, on the other hand, make lists, check them twice, and pack way ahead of time. I’m super organized. So you can see it would be hard for someone like me to stop letting a last minute person stress me out. But I did it. For my own sanity. 
 

 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

Just now, Indigo Blue said:

One son is like this. At some point when he was still living here, I told myself I was going to totally 100 percent let him be responsible for himself. I wasn’t getting anywhere worrying about it, and it’s wasn’t going to change. So I did. Not saying you should. I just did because it was super stressful and I had to get that off me. Flights? Last minute. Packing? Last minute. SAT prep? Last minute. College entrance deadlines? Last minute. Research paper? Last minute. I stopped saying a word about it. He always got/gets everything done, and it’s done well and right. Don’t know how, but he does it. My reminding /prompting had no effect. So I just left each and everything to him. 
 

I, on the other hand, make lists, check them twice, and pack way ahead of time. I’m super organized. So you can see it would be hard for someone like me to stop letting a last minute person stress me out. But I did it. For my own sanity. 
 

 

Yep to most of that, except that sometimes there are consequences that affect me. Not just feeling stressed; I mean actual consequences. Like the time I had to drive him to the airport because he left booking parking too late and it was all booked out. 

I can't help but want it all to go smoothly for him, but I don't want to be micromanaging or nagging. And of course I'll do whatever needs doing at that last minute, because well, that's what we do.

Anyhoo, I just needed to vent the stress and I've done that now.

thanks everyone

[Indigo Blue]

I can understand not wanting to feel like you’re micromanaging. And yet, if you don’t say something…..

That’s stressful. But hopefully you feel better now. 

[SKL]

For me, there's a downside to packing in advance.  I'll end up needing something I already packed, which causes duplication of effort / delays / stress.

So the morning of, I leave my toiletries out on the bathroom counter after I've used them.  I'll throw them into a plastic bag and stuff them into my suitcase after packing my clothes.  Then I grab my computer and other work-related items and stuff them into my computer bag.  Drag the bags downstairs & pack whatever footwear I'm not wearing on the plane.  Extra jackets (if needed) get worn out the door.

The only thing I really worry about is passports.  I pack them early and check them often.

[BlsdMama]

1 hour ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

 

I understand that the actual packing may only take a short time. It's the unexpected things that I personally want a good buffer of time for. I want at least one shopping day of buffer for any last-minute crises.

It isn't that one style is necessarily right or wrong. It's just so different. 

I have a theory. 😉

 Is he a diehard optimist and you’re a realist?

 

 I’m generally either right on time or a minute late but I’m never fifteen minutes early. Some would say I lack planning or I procrastinate. No. 
 

I tend towards optimistism. If it takes 28 minutes to get there then I only need to walk out my door thirty minutes before hand. In my world lights are never red, road construction doesn’t happen, no detours, and no surprises. My husband tends to be a pessimist or a realist. Something will go wrong, there will be a slow driver, and there will be lines at the airport. Generally speaking, we’re usually both a little right and a little wrong. 

[KungFuPanda]

Dh would do this. 15 minutes and a backpack plus a garment bag if he needs a suit. He’d buy toiletries when he arrived after he saw what the hotel had and rely on hotel laundry. He’s convinced you can go anywhere in the world with three days of clothing. If he forgot something critical, he’d buy it. He’s that gray tech brain people fly in to solve problems. Nobody cares if he looks like Gandolf in business casual. 

[Arcadia]

For a business trip, whatever I forgot would easily be reimbursable as travel expenses. So 5mins would be enough since my laptop backpack would already be packed and ready. Besides, I rarely had to dress well for business trips, jeans and long sleeve turtlenecks are good enough. 
I would however be at the airport 3hrs early because I like having plenty of time buffer for customs. I don’t drive though so I don’t need to factor in parking time.

[Rachel]

My husband is a last minute packer. Pre-Covid he traveled a lot of work. He has a separate set of toiletries, so he grabs his kit, however many sets of clothes he needs,  plus his work bag and is out the door. Last month we went on a 10 day trip overseas. He packed that morning between work calls. Really the only difference in his packing is that in winter he takes a hat, coat, and gloves. 
 

I take longer to pack. I do keep a basic packing list so it’s easier to remember what I need.   I usually wash everything a day or two ahead of time and pack the night before.  I don’t have separate toiletries, hair dryer, curling iron, chargers, etc so it takes me longer to gather that up. I also vary my packing based on types of activities I’ll be doing.

I have on 45 minutes notice packed myself and 3 kids for a road trip not knowing if we would be home in 2 days or 7, but that was a one time deal when my husband was traveling a lot and I was going stir crazy at home with young kids. My theory was we would pass a Walmart or could do without whatever we forgot for a week. 

[Clarita]

I can pretty much pack me and the kids in an hour. Although I'd like to do that the day before in case there's anything I need to pick up. My husband likes to do it the night before and spend 1+ hours just packing for himself. He has learned not to complain to me about packing because I've been a terrible person and rubbed it in his face that I did the kids, me and the family shared stuff. 

[BeachGal]

I can pack very quickly and efficiently nowadays but I will still pack a few weeks in advance. I like to have my ducks in order because life can get unexpectedly hectic. In the past I used to critique my packing while on trips, making quick notes on my phone about what I needed and what I didn’t. Now I can pack for a 3 week trip easily, fitting everything into a backpack or carryon luggage. My husband packs a few days before we leave and tends to overpack but that’s how he rolls.

[HomeAgain]

I have spreadsheets on my computer for standard packing lists for different occasions: Disney, camping, city trip..I can pack the day of any trip because I know what I need and spend the days before making sure the house is tip-top. Anything on my list that I come across goes into a specific basket.

Dh, however, has a different method of packing 2 days before.  He checks the weather, notes the middle of the day temp, and gets everything ready based on that.  He is also why we have a sweatshirt or jacket in his size from nearly every trip we've ever taken. 😂 That middle of the day temp doesn't mean squat when you're out late or up early.  It never ceases to amaze me that he realizes it gets colder than the average high every.single.trip.  And when he packs that early, he often forgets the necessary items that are used until the day of.

I have come to the certainty that we will always be purchasing something on vacation.  Always.  Sweatshirt, forgotten toiletries, charging cable...I give up trying to remind him of things and now just accept that it is what it is.   It's a series of funny stories and a row of emblazoned outerwear in our closet that was worn for 3-7 days and never touched again.

[KungFuPanda]

22 minutes ago, Clarita said:

I can pretty much pack me and the kids in an hour. Although I'd like to do that the day before in case there's anything I need to pick up. My husband likes to do it the night before and spend 1+ hours just packing for himself. He has learned not to complain to me about packing because I've been a terrible person and rubbed it in his face that I did the kids, me and the family shared stuff. 

My husband is annoying. He packs in 15 minutes and likes to show me how little he’s taking. I could do that too buddy if I was only responsible for my own stuff.

[SKL]

How do people pack days or weeks in advance?  Do you have a hundred of everything?  😛

[Indigo Blue]

56 minutes ago, SKL said:

How do people pack days or weeks in advance?  Do you have a hundred of everything?  😛

I just pack a bag and leave it open by the bathroom door on the floor. I get stuff out and put it right back in instead of where it usually goes. I have to do this because there are always so many last minute things to do. There’d be no time for packing then, and I’d be frazzled. 

[Corraleno]

3 hours ago, SKL said:

How do people pack days or weeks in advance?  Do you have a hundred of everything?  😛

I just travel really light — carry-on only, no matter how long the trip —  and my carryon stays partially packed all the time (so I don't have to wait until I've showered the morning before I leave to pack a bunch of toiletries and stuff). I have small sizes of toiletries that stay in a prepacked TSA-compliant bag, I keep spare charger cords and ear buds and a bag of other travel stuff (toothbrush, comb, tissues, ear plugs, little travel sizes of OTC meds, etc.) in the carryon permanently, I wear fairly simple, comfortable clothes in just a few colors that all go together (capsule wardrobe style), and I own enough socks and underwear that I'd have no problem packing for a week-long trip up to a week in advance. (But I usually just pack the day before, because I don't want to be tripping over an open carryon on my bedroom floor for a week.)

[Clemsondana]

Spouse travels for work frequently.  It only takes about 15 minutes for him to pack for a week long work trip because he does it so often.  He knows where everything fits into the suitcase, which bag to take, how to pack so that he only needs the dress shoes that he's wearing, etc.  On the other hand, when we go on vacation, it takes him much longer.  We have to count - how many 'go out to dinner' outfits, how many swimsuits, how many shoes - sandals, tennis shoes, what else?, etc.  For that type of trip, he actually takes longer than I do since I do 'take the kids to a water park' type outings more often and can quickly lay my hands on all of that gear.  I'm much, much, more of a list maker than he is, but there is also value in repetition.  

[BeachGal]

6 hours ago, SKL said:

How do people pack days or weeks in advance?  Do you have a hundred of everything?  😛

I travel as lightly as possible and use compartment bags, including a quart-sized toiletry bag, and have them filled, packed and ready to go. Some things are doubles of what I keep at home, mostly toiletries. The bag then stays in my closet until it’s time to go.

[Not_a_Number]

On 11/19/2022 at 1:05 PM, chocolate-chip chooky said:

Yep to most of that, except that sometimes there are consequences that affect me. Not just feeling stressed; I mean actual consequences. Like the time I had to drive him to the airport because he left booking parking too late and it was all booked out. 

I think it's pretty reasonable to just refuse to drive him at this point 😛 . That's also the way you get someone to own their own issues... 

[TravelingChris]

7 hours ago, Clemsondana said:

Spouse travels for work frequently.  It only takes about 15 minutes for him to pack for a week long work trip because he does it so often.  He knows where everything fits into the suitcase, which bag to take, how to pack so that he only needs the dress shoes that he's wearing, etc.  On the other hand, when we go on vacation, it takes him much longer.  We have to count - how many 'go out to dinner' outfits, how many swimsuits, how many shoes - sandals, tennis shoes, what else?, etc.  For that type of trip, he actually takes longer than I do since I do 'take the kids to a water park' type outings more often and can quickly lay my hands on all of that gear.  I'm much, much, more of a list maker than he is, but there is also value in repetition.  

This exactly.  He packs very quickly for work trips (retired Air Force) since he has been making lots of trips in the 38 years he has had full time work.

Both of us keep lists for different types of trips and make new ones for new experiences.

[heartlikealion]

On 11/19/2022 at 7:58 PM, HomeAgain said:

I have spreadsheets on my computer for standard packing lists for different occasions: Disney, camping, city trip..I can pack the day of any trip because I know what I need and spend the days before making sure the house is tip-top. Anything on my list that I come across goes into a specific basket.

Dh, however, has a different method of packing 2 days before.  He checks the weather, notes the middle of the day temp, and gets everything ready based on that.  He is also why we have a sweatshirt or jacket in his size from nearly every trip we've ever taken. 😂 That middle of the day temp doesn't mean squat when you're out late or up early.  It never ceases to amaze me that he realizes it gets colder than the average high every.single.trip.  And when he packs that early, he often forgets the necessary items that are used until the day of.

I have come to the certainty that we will always be purchasing something on vacation.  Always.  Sweatshirt, forgotten toiletries, charging cable...I give up trying to remind him of things and now just accept that it is what it is.   It's a series of funny stories and a row of emblazoned outerwear in our closet that was worn for 3-7 days and never touched again.

It pains me to buy charging devices. I’ve had to do it a couple times. I always have one in the car at least. And I currently own 2 sets of laptop chargers which is nice so I can keep one set in my laptop bag and the other at my desk. I have 2 mouses but could use a second mouse pad. In your case I would throw an extra sweatshirt in the car every time lol I’d say we are not buying more lol

[SKL]

Don't even get me started about chargers, and how often they change and how not compatible they are with multiple electronic items.  😛

I used to travel about 50% for my job, pre-kids, and after kids, we went on a number of international trips.  So that's why I'm pretty good at packing.  But I have changed my methods over time.  I used to keep a toiletry bag just for travel, but keeping up with that just ended up being an extra task, especially when you don't use it at least monthly.

And the planning for packing is another extra task to me.  Same for nagging about getting it done early.  Nothing motivates kids to get their sh!t together like "we're leaving for the airport in 1 hour."  Nothing teaches good packing skills like "welp, I guess you won't have a phone for two weeks."

[TechWife]

On 11/19/2022 at 5:59 PM, KungFuPanda said:

Dh would do this. 15 minutes and a backpack plus a garment bag if he needs a suit. He’d buy toiletries when he arrived after he saw what the hotel had and rely on hotel laundry. He’s convinced you can go anywhere in the world with three days of clothing. If he forgot something critical, he’d buy it. He’s that gray tech brain people fly in to solve problems. Nobody cares if he looks like Gandolf in business casual. 

I have to laugh! My dh went through a spell several years ago where he kept leaving underwear at home. Keep in mind that mens underwear is sold in multipacks. I told him it was a strange travel souvenir! Also, dress shoes from Target, the only store that opened before he had to be in the office, are very uncomfortable.

Now a quite seasoned traveler, he can fit 5 days into a small duffel bag, which he can methodically pack in about 15 minutes & rarely forgets something. I can pack for a week in about 30 minutes. When I travel, I pack last, after everything in the house is prepped (including laundry caught up). If it’s a complicated road trip, I start a packing list about a week before but still leave the actual packing for last & because I generally make thorough lists, can be done in an hour or less. 

[heartlikealion]

2 minutes ago, TechWife said:

I have to laugh! My dh went through a spell several years ago where he kept leaving underwear at home. Keep in mind that mens underwear is sold in multipacks. I told him it was a strange travel souvenir! Also, dress shoes from Target, the only store that opened before he had to be in the office, are very uncomfortable.

Now a quite seasoned traveler, he can fit 5 days into a small duffel bag, which he can methodically pack in about 15 minutes & rarely forgets something. I can pack for a week in about 30 minutes. When I travel, I pack last, after everything in the house is prepped (including laundry caught up). If it’s a complicated road trip, I start a packing list about a week before but still leave the actual packing for last & because I generally make thorough lists, can be done in an hour or less. 

I have been known to purchase extra underwear ahead just to make life easier. Some to keep at home and some to pack. Hotels with laundry are awesome but not all have that. And then you have to deal with laundry detergent. If flying, this isn’t practical to me. Semi related - I wanted solid underwear in the same color and could only find it in bulk. So now I have 12 new pairs of underwear lol and no, I’m not traveling anytime soon 

[TechWife]

On 11/19/2022 at 4:05 PM, chocolate-chip chooky said:

Yep to most of that, except that sometimes there are consequences that affect me. Not just feeling stressed; I mean actual consequences. Like the time I had to drive him to the airport because he left booking parking too late and it was all booked out. 

I can't help but want it all to go smoothly for him, but I don't want to be micromanaging or nagging. And of course I'll do whatever needs doing at that last minute, because well, that's what we do.

Anyhoo, I just needed to vent the stress and I've done that now.

thanks everyone

Been there, done that! About 22 years ago, inside a two week period, I was awakened by phone calls around 5am. Once to bring forgotten shoes to the airport, another time, his laptop. Like, you said, it’s what we do! Oh, and I’ve sent a box of business cards to Japan by FedEx. Now he as an admin, who I am so very grateful for! 

[SKL]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

I have been known to purchase extra underwear ahead just to make life easier. Some to keep at home and some to pack. Hotels with laundry are awesome but not all have that. And then you have to deal with laundry detergent. If flying, this isn’t practical to me. Semi related - I wanted solid underwear in the same color and could only find it in bulk. So now I have 12 new pairs of underwear lol and no, I’m not traveling anytime soon 

Speaking of underwear ... years ago we went on a 2.5 week trip, through 7 countries, much of it by train.  We needed to pack light.  Cotton underwear takes up a surprising amount of space in luggage, and I wanted to leave space for souvenir t-shirts etc.  I did some research and discovered disposable undies!  They take less space than cotton undies, and you don't have to re-pack them after use, so they clear up space for small purchases.  They are surprisingly comfortable for single use.  So I bring those on trips that are more than several days long.  It would also be a good idea to keep a couple-few pairs permanently in one's carry-on just in case.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

18 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

I think it's pretty reasonable to just refuse to drive him at this point 😛 . That's also the way you get someone to own their own issues... 

Maybe it is reasonable, but I wouldn't do that. We've got each others' backs. If I messed up, he'd help me.

[heartlikealion]

1 minute ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

Maybe it is reasonable, but I wouldn't do that. We've got each others' backs. If I messed up, he'd help me.

You could argue that enabling isn’t the same. I can see both points. 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

17 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

You could argue that enabling isn’t the same. I can see both points. 

As I said earlier, I don't actually see any of this as right or wrong. Just different. And things could go wrong with either way of doing things.

Things actually go wrong for him remarkably infrequently, much like @Indigo Blueup-thread.

And if they do go wrong, I'll help as best I can, as he would for me.

[heartlikealion]

Just now, chocolate-chip chooky said:

As I said earlier, I don't actually see any of this as right or wrong. Just different. And things could go wrong with either way of doing things.

Things actually go wrong for him remarkably infrequently, much like @Indigo Blueup-thread.

And if they do go wrong, I'll help as best I can, as he would for me.

I guess if I was worried I’d get stuck driving to the airport to bail him out, I’d make a check list and say read this before you go. I’m not bringing this to the airport for you. Draw a boundary. 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

4 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I guess if I was worried I’d get stuck driving to the airport to bail him out, I’d make a check list and say read this before you go. I’m not bringing this to the airport for you. Draw a boundary. 

Using words like 'enabling' and 'boundary' implies a problematic relationship. It isn't.

We just have different styles when it comes to planning. Sure, it makes me twitchy to witness the last-minute style, and I came here to vent that. That's all.

[TechWife]

2 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I guess if I was worried I’d get stuck driving to the airport to bail him out, I’d make a check list and say read this before you go. I’m not bringing this to the airport for you. Draw a boundary. 

The OP was remarking on personality differences, which is what she is describing, and the responses were relating by telling how different people in their families pack for trips, with some being advance planners/packers and others packing much closer to departure time. This doesn't appear to be a boundary issue. "Bailing each other out"  It is normal give and take in a relationship over time and isn't typically a boundary issue.

I can totally relate to the OP because getting up at 5:00 am, getting preschool aged ds in the car and driving to the airport to deliver a forgotten item is stressful and not fun, but within a couple of days, we were laughing about it. Strong relationships do that - we figure out how to support one another and laugh at ourselves and events throughout our lives. It's totally normal for someone to have "irritating" habits and it's totally normal to accommodate those same habits because we love each other and are committed to each other.

[heartlikealion]

Just now, TechWife said:

The OP was remarking on personality differences, which is what she is describing, and the responses were relating by telling how different people in their families pack for trips, with some being advance planners/packers and others packing much closer to departure time. This doesn't appear to be a boundary issue. "Bailing each other out"  It is normal give and take in a relationship over time and isn't typically a boundary issue.

I can totally relate to the OP because getting up at 5:00 am, getting preschool aged ds in the car and driving to the airport to deliver a forgotten item is stressful and not fun, but within a couple of days, we were laughing about it. Strong relationships do that - we figure out how to support one another and laugh at ourselves and events throughout our lives. It's totally normal for someone to have "irritating" habits and it's totally normal to accommodate those same habits because we love each other and are committed to each other.

I got that but I do think there can be boundary issues at play as well. It would get old fast for me and I would feel compelled to create one. 

it’s also totally normal not to accommodate behavior that negatively impacts you repeatedly. Shrugging it off as “this is the way” like it’s some Mandalorian motto is up to you but I would resent it and that would not be something I’d be laughing about year after year. I’d think get a grip, we aren’t doing this again. 

[TechWife]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

I got that but I do think there can be boundary issues at play as well. It would get old fast for me and I would feel compelled to create one. 

it’s also totally normal not to accommodate behavior that negatively impacts you repeatedly. Shrugging it off as “this is the way” like it’s some Mandalorian motto is up to you but I would resent it and that would not be something I’d be laughing about year after year. I’d think get a grip, we aren’t doing this again. 

Except that it doesn’t happen year after year. The incidents with me taking things to the airport for dh were over 20 years ago! He has over 2 million airline miles clocked, so two trips in more than twenty years and 2 million miles is not a big deal.

Also, op didn’t have to do anything - it was a planning style difference that she attributed to her dh’s personality. It understandably causes her stress, which she acknowledges is something she needs to learn to manage.  

Expecting someone to change because they might, at some unknown point in the future, inconvenience me in an unknown and unpredictable way, would be my boundary issue, not theirs. 
Occasional mishaps are not boundary issues.

 

[heartlikealion]

Just now, TechWife said:

Except that it doesn’t happen year after year. The incidents with me taking things to the airport for dh were over 20 years ago! He has over 2 million airline miles clocked, so two trips in more than twenty years and 2 million miles is not a big deal.

Also, op didn’t have to do anything - it was a planning style difference that she attributed to her dh’s personality. It understandably causes her stress, which she acknowledges is something she needs to learn to manage.  

Expecting someone to change because they might, at some unknown point in the future, inconvenience me in an unknown and unpredictable way, would be my boundary issue, not theirs. 
Occasional mishaps are not boundary issues.

 

Thank you for elaborating. I read one post where it sounded like their spouse needs to buy a sweatshirt on every trip… that would grow old fast to me. I don’t think everyone necessarily explained the frequency of their mishaps in their post. No, once in 20 years is not frequent. 

I think only an individual can decide what is worth making into a boundary issue. 

[Not_a_Number]

I see that I started that "boundary" discussion, then disappeared. Sorry about that! (I block the site during the day most days.) 

As for whether this is a worthwhile boundary or not, that's really something everyone decides for themselves 🙂 . If bailing someone out when they occasionally mess up feels good and makes you feel generous, then of course it's worth doing. We all do lots of things for our partners and I wouldn't want it any other way. 

The only time I'd start thinking about boundaries is when it was making ME feel bad. If I was feeling resentful or angry or things were feeling lopsided, that's when I'd want to figure out my limits and state them. (And of course, my own boundaries can't involve what someone else does! My boundary can't be that someone packs early. It would have to be "do what you like, but I'm not driving you" or whatever.) 

It sounds like this is working just fine for you, @chocolate-chip chooky! Sorry it's stressful to watch, though. 

Edited November 23, 2022 by Not_a_Number