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[Drama Llama]

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Edited November 8, 2022 by Baseballandhockey

[Terabith]

That seems reasonable to me.  

[Drama Llama]

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Edited December 3, 2022 by BandH

[Terabith]

1 minute ago, Baseballandhockey said:

Which, him sleeping in the living room, or me telling him no?

Oh, sorry.  I meant your response of, “Sorry, you got one night.”  You have good reasons for not wanting him to stay on couch long term.  

[HomeAgain]

Eh, I'm convinced kids still need a mediator to process emotions and argue effectively/find a resolution.

I wouldn't force anyone back to their room, but I'd force them to the table so that the room seems like a viable option.

[Carrie12345]

When that was us, I just let it happen. AND went on with my regular morning routine. 

[sweet2ndchance]

The couch won't seem like such a convenient option when he is woke up every morning by the rest of the house going about their usual business before he is ready to get up.

 

[prairiewindmomma]

I’d be like, “Hey, you need to work this out” but the emphasis would be on the relationship and not the sleeping arrangement. 
At 12 and 15 they are old enough to mostly sort out things themselves.

If the lights are on because you are cooking, then they can deal with the lights being on. You don’t need to coddle either of them.

Fastforward this a few years and your oldest could be in a dorm, stuck with an awful roommate and having to work stuff out. View this as the training ground. Step back, mostly, and let them work this out.

[JustEm]

I would allow him to keep sleeping downstairs but not change my daily routine.  If it wakes him up, then I'd tell him he can go back to bed on my bed.  And I'd make it clear that I wasn't changing my routine and if it kept him up at night then he has a perfectly good bed in his bedroom.

I'd also help them navigate making up.

[pinball]

31 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

Our house is small.  We have 2 bedrooms, a kitchen with a table that is open to the living room, and then hallways, bathrooms and a closet with a W/D.  My kids share a room.  Last night they got in the biggest argument I think they've ever had, and DS12 announced he was not sleeping in the same bunk bed with his brother, and took his pillow and blanket downstairs to the couch.  I haven't seen them yet today, but they were still angry this morning. 

I'm not OK with this as a longer term plan.  I usually cook after the kids are asleep, which necessitates lights on.  I get up earlier than they do in the morning, and go through the common areas to feed the dog who is zooming around like a maniac about his dog food, and to let him out.  Plus, I just don't like him being near the first floor doors and windows in case someone breaks in, which I realize is probably my own paranoia.  

If this was your kids, would you set a limit?  Say "sorry you got one night, and now you need to sleep in your room"?  Or am I overreacting?

It doesn't help that I think that DS15 is pretty much right and DS12 is wrong in what they're fighting about, so maybe I'm not being empathetic enough.  

I’d let my kid sleep on the couch with the understanding that they’d probably get used to the natural noises of the home. If they’d didn’t and wanted to sleep in my bed until I went to bed, I’d allow that, too. Then they could go back to the now quieter couch.

 

[EKS]

1 hour ago, Baseballandhockey said:

If this was your kids, would you set a limit?  Say "sorry you got one night, and now you need to sleep in your room"?

This is what I'd do. 

You're not saying that they need to be best friends or even that they need to interact.  Sleeping isn't the same thing as interacting.

[Ausmumof3]

I’d let it be for a few days or try to resolve, I think trying to force the situation could exacerbate things. I wouldn’t go out of my way to be quiet in the living area in the day time or make the couch comfy.

[freesia]

18 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

I’d let it be for a few days or try to resolve, I think trying to force the situation could exacerbate things. I wouldn’t go out of my way to be quiet in the living area in the day time or make the couch comfy.

That would be my approach. I totally support you if you want to  say you got one night. But my oldest got tired of sharing a room and started sleeping on the family room couch which is half a floor down from the living area with no door (split level.) I just let him do it for several months. Eventually I put a bed in the office. I went about my regular business when he was asleep because he had another option if he didn’t like it. 
 

I have no problem with him being on the first floor bc several of our houses when my kids were young were one level. You could set up a baby monitor if you are really anxious about it. 
 

 

[fraidycat]

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect 12 to sleep in his bed and you can express that expectation.

But, I would not force the issue either. I wouldn't change how the household operates if he chooses to stay on the couch. Lights, dog, noise, etc. would not be "controlled" to allow for his sleeping there. If he chooses to stay on the couch, he is choosing to possibly be disturbed by household activities.

I say possibly, because of the 4 people in our household, only 1 would actually even hear any noise or react to the light. The other 3, my 2 kids and myself, would sleep right through it.

Edited November 7, 2022 by fraidycat

[Jaybee]

I like the suggestions from pp. I would do as suggested--talk to them both about working it out, let him sleep on the couch but without my trying to be quiet or keeping it dark. However, I would not offer my own bed/bedroom. Under the stressful circumstances you've had and still have, I think you definitely need to reserve a spot that is yours, without making concessions because they can't get along.

[wintermom]

Two of my boys started having issues with sharing a room around the same ages as your sons. It was over a number of factors for us. 

I would examine the issues your sons are having and if there are things you can do to make the living and sleeping arrangements better for them and keep them in the same room, then try that. It's hard to tell from the OP whether it's a physical, bunk bed issues, or a behavoural/personality issue. At 12 and 15, I'm guessing they are quickly outgrowing a bunk bed. It's not optimal for sleeping, especially if one person moves a lot and shakes the bed, making it tough to sleep. 

Edited November 7, 2022 by wintermom

[itsheresomewhere]

At their ages, I would let him sleep on the couch and go about my business as normal.  Don’t control the lights, sounds, or dog.   Let them figure it out.

I agree with the pp about they might be outgrowing the bunk beds.  Is there any way you could get a freestanding divider for the room and separate the bunk beds?  They could also start needing their own space and this could be solution that is affordable and works. If the room is not big enough for that- Or a cot or pull out couch they could have in their room for when one is just getting on the nerves of the other one wiggling around the bunk beds? 

 

 

[Tanaqui]

Nobody is going to break into your home. That's a non-issue. You might as well forbid them from sleeping on the second floor because you're worried about fire - which, now that I've said it, seems like it's probably much more common.

As far as the rest of it, I don't make new discipline problems for myself. It'd be a lot easier to say "We'll try it out for now and see how it goes" and then simply not change my own schedule than to try to make the kids share a room when they already fought badly enough to not want to do that. A few days of inconvenience will have the same effect as putting your foot down, with a lot less effort on your part.

[Drama Llama]

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Edited December 3, 2022 by BandH

[Terabith]

23 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

Nobody is going to break into your home. That's a non-issue. You might as well forbid them from sleeping on the second floor because you're worried about fire - which, now that I've said it, seems like it's probably much more common.

I think in @Baseballandhockey's situation, there is a much higher than average chance of someone breaking in.  

Edited November 8, 2022 by Terabith

[sweet2ndchance]

deleted

Edited November 8, 2022 by sweet2ndchance
because I said :)

[Drama Llama]

. . .

Edited November 8, 2022 by Baseballandhockey

[sweet2ndchance]

deleted

Edited November 8, 2022 by sweet2ndchance
again :)

[Drama Llama]

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Edited December 3, 2022 by BandH

[sweet2ndchance]

Tried to PM you but it said you can't receive PMs.  🙂 

[Drama Llama]

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Edited December 3, 2022 by BandH

[Tanaqui]

Sure, but in her situation if somebody breaks in then the kids being on the second floor certainly isn't going to do any good.

If you have an extra worry about break-ins then you should just put bars over the window and/or another set on the inside, and maybe get better door locks. The first floor, the second floor - if this is a viable risk, the location of the bedrooms is not the issue.

Edited November 8, 2022 by Tanaqui

[Drama Llama]

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Edited December 3, 2022 by BandH

[happi duck]

You have a circumstance where the couch isn't possible so it's off limits.  If they wanted to sleep on the deck you'd just say no, correct?  They don't need to talk to sleep in the same room.

[maize]

5 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

I’d let it be for a few days or try to resolve, I think trying to force the situation could exacerbate things. I wouldn’t go out of my way to be quiet in the living area in the day time or make the couch comfy.

This is my inclination. This is an age where the more you try to control them, the more likely you are to end up deadlocked in a power struggle.

You may have legitimate reason to be concerned about an attempted break-in, but I doubt there is a high likelihood of a break-in precisely this week. Unless there is a specific, imminent threat I think that particular concern is one where you need to work to manage your own anxiety. Controlling other people is just generally not a healthy anxiety management approach. I know you're in a super tough position and believe you that there is legitimate concern, but I do wonder if this particular risk is taking on outsized proportions in your mind. I understand not wanting it to be a permanent arrangement, but do you have reason to believe that the underlying disagreement won't blow over in a few days? 

[DawnM]

I would wait a few days and then sit the boys down and see if they would prefer to find a way to split the room for more privacy or if this is just a temporary thing.   Kallax shelving is a great option, you can also find those more industrial type "walls" (like they have in churches and cubicles at offices) on FB Marketplace for every cheap.   Put up one of those cubical walls and put each kids dresser and maybe a small desk pressed up against it on each side......or something like that.

[BusyMom5]

I'd give it a few days, then call a family meeting.  Sleeping on the couch isn't a good solution for whatever the issue is.  They need to come up with a real solution. 

[katilac]

I'd let him sleep on the couch and just go about my business. At 12 & 15, they're going to need breaks from each other sometimes, and they usually sort things sooner when you just let them be. You can alway readdress it if it goes on and on, or if the disagreement is worth interfering in. My kids used to sleep in the living room sometimes even when they didn't share a room (and weren't fighting), I never considered it a big deal at all. 

If I were genuinely concerned about someone breaking in, I would hit up Amazon for some inexpensive door and window alarms (including the kids' room, as the second story is certainly not immune from break-ins, particularly if it's not an opportunistic burglary you're worried about). I'd add motion sensor lighting, an easily seen camera or two, door braces or bars, and window security film and/or secondary window locks. And of course the door would have a really good lock in addition to the brace or bar, because you won't have those on all of the time, just at night. 

Six people with varied schedules lived in my very small house growing up, and I spent over 50% of my time sleeping in the living room because the bedroom got too hot. It's not a big deal in and of itself. If a potential break-in is worrying you, then address that worry at the source. 

[Not_a_Number]

8 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

When that was us, I just let it happen. AND went on with my regular morning routine. 

Yep. The beauty of natural consequences. Otherwise, there’s a risk of setting up a power struggle.

I might also offer to help mediate.

[pinball]

8 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

The fight didn't have anything to do with the bunkbeds.  Their room is 11 by 11.  They have full over full beds because they are very tall, but there's no way to fit two full sized beds in there, plus the other things that need to fit. 

Another option is to give them the other bedroom, assuming it is bigger.

[pinball]

7 hours ago, BusyMom5 said:

I'd give it a few days, then call a family meeting.  Sleeping on the couch isn't a good solution for whatever the issue is.  They need to come up with a real solution. 

Lots of families have someone sleep in the living room as a matter of course due to all kinds of reasons.

Of course it is a real solution. 

[pinball]

8 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I would like to be between the door and my kids if he comes in.  

To be blunt…most males can knock aside most females like flies. 
 

 

[Drama Llama]

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Edited December 3, 2022 by BandH