Scarlett Posted September 18, 2022 Share Posted September 18, 2022 (edited) I believe I have read this is common…..marital troubles after retirement, Edited September 19, 2022 by Scarlett Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted September 18, 2022 Share Posted September 18, 2022 If she has no knowledge of their money then I suspect their problems existed long before retirement and involve many other issues. 26 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommyoffive Posted September 18, 2022 Share Posted September 18, 2022 This sounds a lot more serious than I was thinking of just getting used to be around your spouse more or possibly that career spouse being depressed after not having an identity outside of work. She thinks he has a brain tumor and has no access to their money? I don't think this is common retirement spouse issues. 11 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
City Mouse Posted September 18, 2022 Share Posted September 18, 2022 I think retirement is one of those benchmark times that can cause already troubled marriages to crumble for a variety of reasons. When the kids are grown and gone, and a work-a-holic spouse retires and his home all the time, it is not unusual for spouses to find out they don’t actually like spending time together, or that one spouses’s idea of what retirement should look like does not line up with the other spouse’s ideas. A brain tumor might be reaching a bit, but a medical exam could be in order. Dementia, even the early stages, can cause changes to personality, as can other physical or mental health issues. Has she tried talking to him about their money? I would try that before jumping to lawyers. On the other hand, if they have substantial assets, getting the assistance of a lawyer for estate planning purposes is a smart idea. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grace Hopper Posted September 18, 2022 Share Posted September 18, 2022 14 minutes ago, City Mouse said: I think retirement is one of those benchmark times that can cause already troubled marriages to crumble for a variety of reasons. When the kids are grown and gone, and a work-a-holic spouse retires and his home all the time,… I know a woman whose CEO husband retired suddenly in a company restructure; he is now doling out tasks to her as though she is a staff member. Not pretty but she appears to be rolling with it. If the dh were stable, relaxed and reasonable, I’d also suggest she just ask him about things. However, if he’s displaying enough of a personality change that she thinks he has a brain tumor, perhaps a quiet visit to a lawyer to discuss how to best proceed about learning things would be helpful. She can always pull a credit report on herself to see what shows up, if there are any big debts she should be aware of. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted September 18, 2022 Share Posted September 18, 2022 (edited) 34 minutes ago, City Mouse said: Has she tried talking to him about their money? I would try that before jumping to lawyers. On the other hand, if they have substantial assets, getting the assistance of a lawyer for estate planning purposes is a smart idea. Even people with substantial assets don't necessarily need "a team of lawyers" involved. Does she know where the money is - for example, at a brokerage firm (Fidelity, Vanguard, or similar)? She could suggest to her husband that they make an appointment with an adviser to review their finances. Of course a lawyer is likely in order to draft a trust or other estate planning documents if that has not been done. It sounds as if she is scared but what is she afraid of exactly? I mean, a brain tumor of course. But is she afraid her husband will not discuss finances with her, is that what she means by opening a can of worms? If she truly has no idea she may be wise to contact a lawyer but I would start with the place the money is, assuming her name is on the accounts. Do statements come to the house in the mail? She can also suggest he go in for a physical if it's been a while, and before the appointment (assuming he will go), relay her concerns to the doctor. Of course the doc can't discuss anything with her without her husband's permission, but s/he can read a letter/email from her and take her concerns into consideration as s/he conducts the exam. That's what I did with my father when (post-retirement) he slid deeper into the alcoholism that finally killed him. I agree with others that this isn't typical post-retirement stuff. Edited September 19, 2022 by marbel 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted September 18, 2022 Share Posted September 18, 2022 “I’m not your employee, I’m your wife. I think you forgot who you were talking to.” 6 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scholastica Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 5 minutes ago, Katy said: “I’m not your employee, I’m your wife. I think you forgot who you were talking to.” On repeat. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 19, 2022 Author Share Posted September 19, 2022 (edited) I talked to her a long time about creating and enforcing her personal boundaries. She sucks at this. She comes from a family where no one communicated and no one questioned her father. Edited September 19, 2022 by Scarlett Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 He sounds bored, and she's not used to dealing with him because he had been at work. Maybe she could encourage him to get involved in volunteering somewhere. He can feel needed, and he'd be out of the house more than he is now so she could get back some of how she used to live her life. dh has been working at home for 20 years - it's very similiar to "retirement". . . . 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 2 minutes ago, Scarlett said: ..and another investment person Like, a financial adviser? Does she know the person's name? Can she get in touch with them herself to discuss their finances? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 19, 2022 Author Share Posted September 19, 2022 14 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said: I know a woman whose CEO husband retired suddenly in a company restructure; he is now doling out tasks to her as though she is a staff member. Not pretty but she appears to be rolling with it. If the dh were stable, relaxed and reasonable, I’d also suggest she just ask him about things. However, if he’s displaying enough of a personality change that she thinks he has a brain tumor, perhaps a quiet visit to a lawyer to discuss how to best proceed about learning things would be helpful. She can always pull a credit report on herself to see what shows up, if there are any big debts she should be aware of. Also my friend has a rare incurable cancer. We almost lost her 2 years ago. And at the worst of that we had Covid with no vaccine yet and he was wreckless with her health in order to pacify his adult daughter who is anti mask/ vaccine . He expects her to be and do more than she possibly can…….and he was never like this before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 19, 2022 Author Share Posted September 19, 2022 1 minute ago, marbel said: Like, a financial adviser? Does she know the person's name? Can she get in touch with them herself to discuss their finances? I think she knows his name. She is terrified to rock the boat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 19, 2022 Author Share Posted September 19, 2022 I think men who are accustomed to massive praise in the business world have a difficult time adapting to the world of retirement. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 19, 2022 Author Share Posted September 19, 2022 53 minutes ago, Pawz4me said: If she has no knowledge of their money then I suspect their problems existed long before retirement and involve many other issues. Well you would have to know her…..she is very insecure and has let allof the finance stuff be handled by him all of this time. I don’t think there were problems….everything changed in the last few years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Scarlett said: Well you would have to know her…..she is very insecure and has let allof the finance stuff be handled by him all of this time. I don’t think there were problems….everything changed in the last few years. Well, I think there were problems before, if she let him handle all of the financial stuff and he allowed her to remain ignorant of it. She should know how much money they have, where the funds are, how to access them, etc. Even if she wants no say in how they are invested, etc., she deserves to know what is going on with them. Even if she didn't ask, he should have been telling her. Edited September 19, 2022 by marbel 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 9 minutes ago, Scarlett said: I think men who are accustomed to massive praise in the business world have a difficult time adapting to the world of retirement. I agree with you but that has nothing to do with a man having his wife afraid to ask him about their finances. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarita Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 6 minutes ago, Scarlett said: They were quite comfortable money wise, but after he sold the company they are mega wealthy. If he dies there are two men in charge of their wealth….his brother…..who has recently shown himself to be a marital cheater…..and another investment person….. either of which she knows well or feels comfortable with. Before "hiring a team of lawyers" she could ask her husband. Like a we're getting older or even not just I'm now a little bit interested. See where that goes. Maybe she could even spin it as she doesn't have much to do right now and would like to be included in the finance stuff, so she can learn or whatever. Even just be included in the lunch or pow wow that the husband could be having with his finance guy every quarter. I know a lot of couples where one spouse knows all the finances and the other one really doesn't. It doesn't always mean one spouse is hiding things or being nefarious. It's just where the tasks land and when the unknowing spouse asks for information the knowing spouse is happy to include them. If there hasn't been problems up to this point about it I would err on the side of there were no problems to begin with. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 6 minutes ago, marbel said: I agree with you but that has nothing to do with a man having his wife afraid to ask him about their finances. Yeah, this. My dad handled the finances always - not that we were talking about vast wealth or anything. My mom knew where and how much they had though. Once he started developing Alzheimers, she took over. I'm sorry she is ill. If she wants to ask about finances, she needs to gather the courage to do so or just let it go and realize he will manage them all. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 (edited) HOW has his behavior changed? I wasn't able to figure out from your post what makes her think "brain tumor". Or what the marital strife is about. For a person who always worked, is driven and ambitious, and who drew a lot of identity and self-worth from his career, retirement is a huge life change that takes time to adjust to. It can create a serious identity crisis and depression; a stay-at-home-spouse cannot possibly imagine the magnitude of that. She should be informed about the family finances. Period. She doesn't need a team of lawyers, just a conversation with her husband. What makes her think she cannot ask? What makes her suddenly interested when she was content to remain ignorant all those years? Edited September 19, 2022 by regentrude 10 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 (edited) 27 minutes ago, Scarlett said: I think men who are accustomed to massive praise in the business world have a difficult time adapting to the world of retirement. It's not just the praise. Work meant spending their time doing something they consider worthwhile. Having a daily routine, making decisions, having social contacts, having a sense of purpose. To lose that is hard for almost everyone who was invested in their career. Not just men. Edited September 19, 2022 by regentrude 13 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarita Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 18 minutes ago, Scarlett said: I think men who are accustomed to massive praise in the business world have a difficult time adapting to the world of retirement. I actually think it's harder for them to adapt to the pacing of not working. More often than not I see the retired people just not seeing where they could contribute. It's a big cliff to go from business bigwig where everyone is constantly asking you to make decisions, answering questions, and go go go to suddenly being home all the time where another person has been taking care of all the home stuff. That stay at home person doesn't need them for day to day like he was needed at his job. As for the brain tumor thing and huge change in personality. It could be worth looking if she is really feeling a big shift in his personality. That is often the case with "brain malfunctions" there are small changes in behavior, sometimes when the obvious comes (like they can't see or pass out) what ever malfunction already progressed a lot. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 (edited) 38 minutes ago, Scarlett said: The change in him has been alarming. can you be more specific? I can't imagine retirement NOT causing a massive change for this kind of person because they lose so much: routine, connections, purpose, something worthwhile to DO. I would assume as almost a default that he would be depressed. Edited September 19, 2022 by regentrude 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaybee Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 There are several different kinds of dementia, which present in different ways. It wouldn't have to be a tumor. Most cause behavior changes, if indeed, they aren't caused due to the retirement. Has he become hostile? Is that why she is afraid to discuss finances with him? Is she afraid he is using up the money foolishly? Those are just rhetorical questions because I don't know what the answer would be here. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 19, 2022 Author Share Posted September 19, 2022 Brain tumor might be a slight exaggeration…but something is off. He runs completely over her…for instance making elaborate vacation plans including many many people including those she has had issues with, with NO consultation with her ahead of time. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 19, 2022 Author Share Posted September 19, 2022 (edited) Edited Edited September 19, 2022 by Scarlett 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarita Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 3 minutes ago, Scarlett said: Brain tumor might be a slight exaggeration…but something is off. If even you an outsider can see it ... I don't know how but I'm not actually thinking exaggeration, maybe not the correct brain malfunction but I wouldn't dismiss it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 19, 2022 Author Share Posted September 19, 2022 14 minutes ago, regentrude said: can you be more specific? I can't imagine retirement NOT causing a massive change for this kind of person because they lose so much: routine, connections, purpose, something worthwhile to DO. I would assume as almost a default that he would be depressed. His high expectations of her. Constantly mentioning how little she does. Mentioning things like it is ‘his’ money and he is not required to support her. Just weird comments that are not like him AT ALL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grace Hopper Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 48 minutes ago, Scarlett said: I talked to her a long time about creating and enforcing her personal boundaries. She sucks at this. She comes from a family where no one communicated and no one questioned her father. The change in him has been alarming. But as is often the case outsiders don’t notice. When he worked 60 hours a week she felt their marriage was perfect….she took care of all things…and he went off to work where he was a super achiever superstar. They were quite comfortable money wise, but after he sold the company they are mega wealthy. If he dies there are two men in charge of their wealth….his brother…..who has recently shown himself to be a marital cheater…..and another investment person….. either of which she knows well or feels comfortable with. I doubt he has a brain tumor but I do have concerns about dementia of some sort. She probably needs to find some way to communicate to him that after he is gone, she is the one who needs to feel comfortable with who’s handling the money, regardless of who he thinks should do it. Sounds like with the current set up those guys might be able to rob her blind with her being clueless about what she stands to lose. Especially if there is no prenup and it’s a community property state, unless these guys are also owners of these funds rather than simply managers of it, she really has the right to know what’s there right now. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 19, 2022 Author Share Posted September 19, 2022 (edited) T Edited September 19, 2022 by Scarlett Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grace Hopper Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 6 minutes ago, Scarlett said: His high expectations of her. Constantly mentioning how little she does. Mentioning things like it is ‘his’ money and he is not required to support her. Just weird comments that are not like him AT ALL. I think that’s a gigantic red flag. 12 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 19, 2022 Author Share Posted September 19, 2022 1 hour ago, mommyoffive said: This sounds a lot more serious than I was thinking of just getting used to be around your spouse more or possibly that career spouse being depressed after not having an identity outside of work. She thinks he has a brain tumor and has no access to their money? I don't think this is common retirement spouse issues. She has access to all the money she could possibly need. She buys whatever she pleases. But as for where they money is….how much there is….no she is in the dark and believes she can’t comprehend it, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 5 minutes ago, Scarlett said: She has access to all the money she could possibly need. She buys whatever she pleases. But as for where they money is….how much there is….no she is in the dark and believes she can’t comprehend it, But it sounds like he could cut her off any time he wants. That’s pretty alarming. She needs to know where the money is and the ownership and beneficiaries of the investment accounts. (I know you already know all this) Retirement can be an adjustment for both spouses. Dh took more than 18 months to hit his retirement groove, and there were some tricky times. Same with me- things I had handled for our entire marriage were now things *we* handled. And I bristled at first because it felt like he was invading my territory. (Grocery shopping, meal planning, chores) I was going through my own adjustment-no more homeschooling, I stopped working, and shut down a tiny business I’d run for years. I feel for your friend. It sounds awful. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 19, 2022 Author Share Posted September 19, 2022 Just now, Annie G said: But it sounds like he could cut her off any time he wants. That’s pretty alarming. She needs to know where the money is and the ownership and beneficiaries of the investment accounts. (I know you already know all this) Retirement can be an adjustment for both spouses. Dh took more than 18 months to hit his retirement groove, and there were some tricky times. Same with me- things I had handled for our entire marriage were now things *we* handled. And I bristled at first because it felt like he was invading my territory. (Grocery shopping, meal planning, chores) I was going through my own adjustment-no more homeschooling, I stopped working, and shut down a tiny business I’d run for years. I feel for your friend. It sounds awful. I seriously doubt he could,cut her off or that he would, they have a long term marriage with no pre nup…..but she has always trusted him to handle the money… she came to the marriage with nothing…..but he was always accommodating and kind….put her name on all assets as soon as they married etc. it is more his attitude now. And honestly like I kept telling her……she HAS to communicate with him. Tell him how she feels and ask questions about the money, 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 16 minutes ago, Scarlett said: I seriously doubt he could,cut her off or that he would, they have a long term marriage with no pre nup…..but she has always trusted him to handle the money… she came to the marriage with nothing…..but he was always accommodating and kind….put her name on all assets as soon as they married etc. it is more his attitude now. And honestly like I kept telling her……she HAS to communicate with him. Tell him how she feels and ask questions about the money, If he's not acting like himself, then the bolded doesn't matter. He could cut her off as a result of whatever change has come over him. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarita Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 46 minutes ago, Scarlett said: His high expectations of her. Constantly mentioning how little she does. Mentioning things like it is ‘his’ money and he is not required to support her. Just weird comments that are not like him AT ALL. Have her talk to a medical professional. Tell them his behavior changes and ask how to handle having him seen (if she feels like this is going to be an issue, especially with his current attitude). Especially, if this has been a sudden change. https://www.healthline.com/health/behavior-unusual-or-strange#causes 30 minutes ago, Scarlett said: I seriously doubt he could,cut her off or that he would, they have a long term marriage with no pre nup…..but she has always trusted him to handle the money… she came to the marriage with nothing…..but he was always accommodating and kind….put her name on all assets as soon as they married etc. it is more his attitude now. If the above is happening he may not have control over himself enough not to hurt her, especially if no one knows about his condition. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danae Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 (edited) Might be a medical issue. Sounds more like an affair. He’s criticizing her and telling her he doesn’t have to support her. That’s softening her up to feel grateful and not ask for more when tells her he’s divorcing her but will offer her a $x settlement. Edited September 19, 2022 by Danae 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 Retirement is a huge, gigantic, incomprehensible adjustment. It sounds like the man is projecting his new sense of "uselessness" onto his wife. He has had a massive shift in identity and responsibility level and is trying to fill that gap at home with his high expectations of her. Also, a shift in wealth level requires another internal adjustment period. To go from very comfortable to massive wealth is a real mind-bender in it's own right. Could he be ill with a tumor - sure, anything is possible. But to me, it sounds like he is thrown into the deep end of an unknown way of life and just trying to figure it out. It results in poor treatment of his wife because she is the closest "outlet". I hope she learns to call him out when he is treating her poorly. My DH was sometimes miserable for about two years after he retired from the military. He was still working part-time, but it was different in that his responsibility levels at work changed a lot, as did his sense of identity and purpose. He wasn't the easiest to live with at times, but I knew that retirement is considered one of the top 5 life-changing stresses so was somewhat prepared for a rocky patch. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 1 hour ago, Scarlett said: His high expectations of her. Constantly mentioning how little she does. The money thing is weird, but the above sounds like he's projecting the sense of uselessness he feels... he now sees for the first time what's going on at home and it must seem to him that that's really very little compared to what he's been used to. And he probably wonders how that could keep his wife occupied all these years. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 Sounds more like an affair to me. Not that I have much information to go on. But the two things she definitely needs to do is learn about their finances and do a little sleuthing about a possible affair. If there is an affair, she is extremely vulnerable. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 19, 2022 Author Share Posted September 19, 2022 I realized as I was posting that it sounds like an affair. I am not saying it is impossible…..I am old enough to know to never say that. Honestly HE is vulnerable if he decides to divorce her. Their son works for the investment firm that handles a lot of their money and it is not as if he can completely cut her out and cut her off. My husband doesn’t make lunch plans for us without consulting me (nor would I for him) but my friends husband is suddenly planning big vacations inviting everyone and their brother…with zero consultation with his wife. That is not like him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 1 hour ago, Scarlett said: His high expectations of her. Constantly mentioning how little she does. Mentioning things like it is ‘his’ money and he is not required to support her. Just weird comments that are not like him AT ALL. 1. This could easily be because of his life change of retirement. Something completely different if he was a type A gogogo intense exec. It can also be projecting his own sense of "not doing anything important" (anymore) onto her. 2. big red flag. but different possible causes - Could be related to retirement in that he's feeling insecure/no-longer-of-worth, - could be he's just a super controlling SOB, and since he's no longer dishing it out to his minions at work, he's now dishing it out to her (dh has dealt with a number of high level execs, and he said many of them are this way in their business' life. It's their "normal". a big part is because of how many balls they constantly have in the air. It's high adrenaline.) - could be something organic in his brain. I'd watch for physical ability changes - especially headaches. But tbh - it doesn't sound like it to me. 1ds's gf's mom had headaches for two weeks before she woke up and couldn't move. That was the extent of her symptoms prior to being diagnosed with glioblastoma. She died five months later. A friend's adult daughter also had massive headaches and personality disruptions. some days she could function, other days not. Her dr didn't take her seriously, ignored the headache, and blamed her parents for her personality problems. She had a massive tumor - which was fortunately operable, and they were able to remove it all. Afterwards, she was perfectly fine. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 19, 2022 Author Share Posted September 19, 2022 She lived through years of affairs with her first husband…..and covered over them. Never a word to family or friends. She has a very difficult time confronting. She doesn’t even know how to go about figuring out the money. She told me if she asked and he told her she won’t undernsnd way he was saying. , 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 38 minutes ago, Scarlett said: I realized as I was posting that it sounds like an affair. I am not saying it is impossible…..I am old enough to know to never say that. Honestly HE is vulnerable if he decides to divorce her. Their son works for the investment firm that handles a lot of their money and it is not as if he can completely cut her out and cut her off. My husband doesn’t make lunch plans for us without consulting me (nor would I for him) but my friends husband is suddenly planning big vacations inviting everyone and their brother…with zero consultation with his wife. That is not like him. He's bored and looking for ways to fill his time. He probably dreamt of taking vacations when he retired and now he's fulfilling that dream - or at least planning to. He's not considering or consulting his wife, which is unfair, but he may have mentioned in passing 5 years ago that he'd like to visit XYZ someday and now they have the time & money to do so, he may feel like he mentioned it to her already, so she knows the score. Unless there are other considerations and symptoms that she has not shared with you, or that you have not shared here, my far-removed from the situation opinion is that your friend is catastrophizing. Neither her, not her husband did any type of research or preparation for the life altering situation that is retirement. Mentally or emotionally. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 2 hours ago, Scarlett said: He came home the other night late ish….like 7:30. This is a man who does not eat late. When we vacationed together he never at dinner…..but anyway as they were sitting down to watch a movie with their son and DIL He says to his wife, ‘ I noticed you did not offer me anything to eat?’ She says, ‘well are you hungry?’ He says no but I just wanted to point out to you that you did not offer me any food. Very very strange. 2 hours ago, Scarlett said: Also my friend has a rare incurable cancer. We almost lost her 2 years ago. And at the worst of that we had Covid with no vaccine yet and he was wreckless with her health in order to pacify his adult daughter who is anti mask/ vaccine . He expects her to be and do more than she possibly can…….and he was never like this before. 2 hours ago, Scarlett said: I talked to her a long time about creating and enforcing her personal boundaries. She sucks at this. She comes from a family where no one communicated and no one questioned her father. The change in him has been alarming. But as is often the case outsiders don’t notice. When he worked 60 hours a week she felt their marriage was perfect….she took care of all things…and he went off to work where he was a super achiever superstar. They were quite comfortable money wise, but after he sold the company they are mega wealthy. If he dies there are two men in charge of their wealth….his brother…..who has recently shown himself to be a marital cheater…..and another investment person….. either of which she knows well or feels comfortable with. I doubt he has a brain tumor but I do have concerns about dementia of some sort. 2 hours ago, Scarlett said: His high expectations of her. Constantly mentioning how little she does. Mentioning things like it is ‘his’ money and he is not required to support her. Just weird comments that are not like him AT ALL. My thoughts (after being married to someone in management for 30 years). He is used to being the boss and managing employees 60 hours a week. He had expectations of his employees and if they didn't have measurable results, they were likely not kept around for long. Hence the last comment about not being required to support her (aka in his prior job.....fire her). She managed the house, but he is home full time now too and he is starting to try to 'manage' the household/her too. I am guessing he is not actually having a personality change at all.....this is likely how he was at work. She is just now seeing it at home because he has lost focus for his mental energy. Honestly, they need marriage counseling. She needs to figure out how to live with him home full time, and he needs to learn to not mange her. 8 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 (edited) I really think *she* would benefit from him getting out of the house and volunteering. His skills could be used - and he'd probably calm down which would benefit her. There are a lot of organizations that could benefit from his skills. He could also help "shepherd" start ups where they need those skills to become successful. He'd probably love doing something like that. 2ds did CC for his first two years. He had some fabulous teachers who were only teaching because they. were. bored. in retirement. and wanted some structure to their week. (they only taught a couple classes so they still had lots of free time.) one was a JD who was one of the leads taking a major corp through their initial IPO. Another was a former CFO. (who joked the major local university wouldn't hire him because he didn't have a doc, and - they couldn't afford him if he charged his regular rate.) eta: 2ds was working for a small cpa (maybe a dozen cpas total) firm for several years, dh got to know the principal owner, who has asked him a few times if he wanted to earn some extra money during tax season. (there. are. days. I'm inclined to encourage him to do it . . . . . as dh's schedule drops off that time of year.). I'm in an area where there are a lot of "retired" major corporation multi-millionaires - who retired by 40ish. they were bored - and many of them then went and started new projects because they desperately needed a creative outlet. Edited September 19, 2022 by gardenmom5 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madteaparty Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 3 hours ago, Clarita said: Before "hiring a team of lawyers" she could ask her husband. Like a we're getting older or even not just I'm now a little bit interested. See where that goes. Maybe she could even spin it as she doesn't have much to do right now and would like to be included in the finance stuff, so she can learn or whatever. Even just be included in the lunch or pow wow that the husband could be having with his finance guy every quarter. I know a lot of couples where one spouse knows all the finances and the other one really doesn't. It doesn't always mean one spouse is hiding things or being nefarious. It's just where the tasks land and when the unknowing spouse asks for information the knowing spouse is happy to include them. If there hasn't been problems up to this point about it I would err on the side of there were no problems to begin with. Yeah I don’t want to know as it’s not my thing (well now I work I need to as I need clearance to trade) but anyway I know the name of the broker. And am able to access the account if I needed to. It’s also a joint account. Start there, are their accounts joint? You don’t need a team of lawyers, one good one would do. But she needs to do some homework it sounds like. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 10 hours ago, Scarlett said: Brain tumor might be a slight exaggeration…but something is off. He runs completely over her…for instance making elaborate vacation plans including many many people including those she has had issues with, with NO consultation with her ahead of time. 10 hours ago, Scarlett said: He came home the other night late ish….like 7:30. This is a man who does not eat late. When we vacationed together he never at dinner…..but anyway as they were sitting down to watch a movie with their son and DIL He says to his wife, ‘ I noticed you did not offer me anything to eat?’ She says, ‘well are you hungry?’ He says no but I just wanted to point out to you that you did not offer me any food. Very very strange. 10 hours ago, Scarlett said: His high expectations of her. Constantly mentioning how little she does. Mentioning things like it is ‘his’ money and he is not required to support her. Just weird comments that are not like him AT ALL. If he put her health in jeopardy during a crisis, doesn't share anything about their finances with her, and it she sounds like she's at least a little bit afraid of him, this behavior doesn't really sound that new. Sounds more like he's used to being in charge and having lots of big planning and decisions to make, and he's trying to replicate a little bit of that feeling now that he's retired. Although the money thing is a red flag to me, and would have me think he's planning to leave her, whether or not he's having an affair. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 19, 2022 Author Share Posted September 19, 2022 Thanks all. I have given her the name of a counselor that has been used by two of my SILs. She really needs some skills on how to speak up I asked her if he is aware of the depth of her depression and unhappiness over these things that are piling up. Sue says. No, that he believes she should just ‘get over’ everything and she doesn’t have the nerve to bring it up until she gets angry. There is a lot more to it. He has taken what she said to him in private and caused a lot of family drama, he has said terrible things about her to his sister……things that are not true at all. He put her life at risk during the pandemic constantly especially before there was a vaccine. He constantly puts everyone else before her. Especially his adult daughter who is constantly whining to the entire family about how neglected she feels by her dad. And he is so sure he is in the right that he asked her to involve me (which is how I even know all of this stuff now anyway). He told her he was setting up an irrevocable trust for the grandkids. She wonders if he can do that without her signature. She knows he went to see their financial guys but doesn’t know if the trust actually happened. I told her repeatedly she has got to start communicating with him. I am going to stay on her today about setting up an appointment with this counselor. She is in the city where their lake house is. Which is good because it will be convenient and also out if their small town. She doesn’t really think he is having an affair but she no longer trusts him. And she is worried about what he might be doing with their money especially since she feels he is not himself. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 19, 2022 Author Share Posted September 19, 2022 19 minutes ago, Wheres Toto said: If he put her health in jeopardy during a crisis, doesn't share anything about their finances with her, and it she sounds like she's at least a little bit afraid of him, this behavior doesn't really sound that new. Sounds more like he's used to being in charge and having lots of big planning and decisions to make, and he's trying to replicate a little bit of that feeling now that he's retired. Although the money thing is a red flag to me, and would have me think he's planning to leave her, whether or not he's having an affair. She isn’t afraid of him. The not being able to speak up is her own issue….se knows she has to do better on that front. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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