Can we discuss what retirement does to marriage?

[Melissa in Australia]

8 minutes ago, marbel said:

A lot of people who are used to being in charge and right all the time (whether they are truly right or if people are just always telling them they are) it is hard to be shown to be wrong. I'm not excusing the behavior, just saying I have seen it and understand it. 

But, what big difference does it make if the cutting board is upside down? I mean, if he's carving a roast then juice will drip, and he'll have to clean it up. If he's cutting up a lime for cocktail, no harm done.  I sometimes don't bother to place the cutting board correctly with the drain rim up if it's not needed and I just happen to put it on the counter upside down. I'd be annoyed if my husband decided to fix that for me. I'd get over it quickly and he probably wouldn't even know I was annoyed, so I don't think the husband was correct to be offended. But it seems rather a petty thing. But those petty things can be love - and marriage - breakers.

This is unimportant and I'm wildly speculating, as we all (except Scarlett) are at this point. But it was just an interesting point to me.  

Or maybe I'm thinking of some different kind of cutting board lol.

thanks for the explanation. Here cutting boards are the exact same on both sides, so I couldn't work out how a person could tell if it was upside down or not. but now I understand form your post that the ones over there have some sort of drain rim! who knew. I will go off and google some images of American cutting boards

[marbel]

16 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

thanks for the explanation. Here cutting boards are the exact same on both sides, so I couldn't work out how a person could tell if it was upside down or not. but now I understand form your post that the ones over there have some sort of drain rim! who knew. I will go off and google some images of American cutting boards

They don't all have it. I have a few cutting boards but only one has a rim for catching juice. It is handy when cutting up meat but certainly not essential, to me anyway. 

[2squared]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

That trip isn’t happening until next year and I think she needs to know more now.  And they live about a 5 hour drive to their financial guy..  she can’t just pop in.  But she can ask her son for some info.  And she can go look at some things in his office.  

She absolutely can meet with him remotely. The tools we have today should create seamless  interactions between advisors and clients. 

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, 2squared said:

She absolutely can meet with him remotely. The tools we have today should create seamless  interactions between advisors and clients. 

I don’t believe she will do it. She just does not have a self confidence.I don’t believe she will do it. She just does not have the self confidence.

[Catwoman]

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

That trip isn’t happening until next year and I think she needs to know more now.  And they live about a 5 hour drive to their financial guy..  she can’t just pop in.  But she can ask her son for some info.  And she can go look at some things in his office.  

 

1 hour ago, 2squared said:

She absolutely can meet with him remotely. The tools we have today should create seamless  interactions between advisors and clients. 

I was just going to post this. My dh has been dealing with most of his clients remotely for years. There is rarely a need for an in-person meeting.

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

I don’t believe she will do it. She just does not have a self confidence.I don’t believe she will do it. She just does not have the self confidence.

Well, if she doesn't do it and things end up going wrong, she will have only herself to blame for not having been informed. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. And this is not only important in the case of being prepared for a divorce; if he dies, how will she know where the money and assets are??? 

I hadn't thought about the cutting board thing before @marbel mentioned it, but that does seem awfully nitpicky. A person doesn't have to be loud or assertive to be a royal pain, so if she does a lot of things like that -- annoying little corrections -- or if she's always complaining about something or whining about little things, that might really grate on her dh's nerves. 

Because seriously, who cares if the cutting board is upside down? 

[Corraleno]

16 hours ago, Scarlett said:

The daughter and sister cant get her disinherited.  She is his wife of over 20 years and she has rights. 

What she has a theoretical "right" to, and what she can actually get in a real-world legal battle against a wealthy, arrogant, and very controlling man and/or his family, are not the same thing. 

If she has no idea how much money they have, where it is, and whether her name is on all/some/none of the accounts, she is extremely vulnerable. He may have accounts and investments all over the place that could be hard for her to track down. He may own real estate in LLCs that would go directly to other family members when he dies. Even with accounts that are in both names he can transfer money out whenever he wants, for whatever purpose he wants, including setting up trusts, LLCs, or investment accounts for his father, daughter, sister, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, etc.

If she doesn't know what/where/how much he has, then she has no way of even knowing what her "fair share" is in the event of death or divorce. And given what you've said about his personality, I can only imagine that he would see her filing for divorce as a personal betrayal, humiliation, and proof that he was right to prioritize his family over her. Since he's already explicitly commented that it's "his" money and he has no obligation to support her, I assume he would fight tooth and nail to keep her from getting half of everything he owns. Her "rights" are only enforceable if she has the knowledge and resources to defend them.

[Guest]

And my favorite cutting board has a fun design burned into the top side, so I *only* use it upside down and will correct dh if he foolishly cuts on the top side! 😄

[Arcadia]

9 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Here cutting boards are the exact same on both sides, so I couldn't work out how a person could tell if it was upside down or not. but now I understand form your post that the ones over there have some sort of drain rim! who knew. I will go off and google some images of American cutting boards

They have this kind in asia too though the wooden version is less common. I usually see the plastic version as it is much cheaper in Asia.

 https://www.amazon.com/Sonder-Los-Angeles-Winsome-Maple/dp/B07ZN7Z3FN#immersive-view_1663795800535

https://www.amazon.com/Norpro-31-Professional-Cutting-Board/dp/B000HEHCOG/

[teachermom2834]

If my husband turned the cutting board right side up when I had it upside down it would make me nuts. I might even turn it back and let stuff run all over the place and say that is the way I wanted it. Maybe. Not proud. Just sayin. 
 

 

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, teachermom2834 said:

If my husband turned the cutting board right side up when I had it upside down it would make me nuts. I might even turn it back and let stuff run all over the place and say that is the way I wanted it. Maybe. Not proud. Just sayin. 

The surest way to turn a man off doing any household chores is to correct him when he does something differently than the wife would do it. Doesn't matter that wife feels his way is "wrong" - it feels patronizing to be corrected on a simple task where doing it differently doesn't endanger health or life.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The more is shared, the more dysfunctional this all seems- on both sides. 

[Lecka]

I don’t think it’s fair to ask “her” son for information when this man has raised him since the age of 2.  
 

I don’t think it’s a good idea on multiple levels.

 

Is there not another option for her?  What if she just considered bringing him into it off limits, then what would her options be?

[Murphy101]

6 hours ago, Corraleno said:

What she has a theoretical "right" to, and what she can actually get in a real-world legal battle against a wealthy, arrogant, and very controlling man and/or his family, are not the same thing. 

If she has no idea how much money they have, where it is, and whether her name is on all/some/none of the accounts, she is extremely vulnerable. He may have accounts and investments all over the place that could be hard for her to track down. He may own real estate in LLCs that would go directly to other family members when he dies. Even with accounts that are in both names he can transfer money out whenever he wants, for whatever purpose he wants, including setting up trusts, LLCs, or investment accounts for his father, daughter, sister, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, etc.

If she doesn't know what/where/how much he has, then she has no way of even knowing what her "fair share" is in the event of death or divorce. And given what you've said about his personality, I can only imagine that he would see her filing for divorce as a personal betrayal, humiliation, and proof that he was right to prioritize his family over her. Since he's already explicitly commented that it's "his" money and he has no obligation to support her, I assume he would fight tooth and nail to keep her from getting half of everything he owns. Her "rights" are only enforceable if she has the knowledge and resources to defend them.

This. I have been known to remind people that the only rights you have are the rights you 1) know about and 2)have the ability financially to fight for.

Anyone can do almost anything to anyone else and get away with it if the someone else either can’t or doesn’t know how to fight them about it.

Happens every day. 

[Lecka]

Especially when I feel like he sounds like he is inappropriate in bringing his daughter into things.   It doesn’t make sense for her to bring her son into things.
 

If there were no conflict I could see it being a really neutral action to take.

 

It wouldn’t come across as neutral to me in this situation.  It would come across as bringing him into it on her side.

 

I don’t think it’s fair to him, besides having so much potential for causing more problems.

 

To me I think if the financial guy is trustworthy, call him on the phone!  If he’s managing $$$ for them I’m sure he will be responsive and helpful to her!  She could email him, she could ask to have statements mailed to her.

 

 

[Melissa in Australia]

28 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

If my husband turned the cutting board right side up when I had it upside down it would make me nuts. I might even turn it back and let stuff run all over the place and say that is the way I wanted it. Maybe. Not proud. Just sayin. 
 

Argh I don't know how I somehow got what I wrote in a quote box

28 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

 I am ashamed to say I have done similar in the past. But now I just leave the room. Life is too full of troubles to fight over the proper way to wash the milk bucket or the correct way to rince lettuce.  Dh comes from a long line of alway right. I have decided it is a genetic traite that he has no control over so I have decided the only way to respond is to just disappear. 

[Melissa in Australia]

20 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

The more is shared, the more dysfunctional this all seems- on both sides. 

I agree. it is not a one sided situation at all

[Lecka]

Oh, I forget about this…. One of my husband’s best friends was in a marriage where, before they got divorced, he kept their finances away from his wife.   
 

So, partly this was because he felt like she would want to spend money on things he didn’t think were prudent/affordable to him if she knew how much money they had.

 

But oh by the way!  He was also into online sports gambling, and was doing things like betting $500 on football games.  
 

Anyway he did make it out like he was responsible and she was childish and couldn’t understand money, and would bring up some things (like she got certified as a Pli-Yo instructor and then barely worked in it, and she was certified as maybe another kind of fitness instructor and barely worked in it), so that was his big thing.  
 

I feel like — you never know.  Sometimes people do have something to hide.

 

 

[Melissa in Australia]

34 minutes ago, regentrude said:

The surest way to turn a man off doing any household chores is to correct him when he does something differently than the wife would do it. Doesn't matter that wife feels his way is "wrong" - it feels patronizing to be corrected on a simple task where doing it differently doesn't endanger health or life.

Both ways

[Scarlett]

51 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

The more is shared, the more dysfunctional this all seems- on both sides. 

You really think it is dysfunctional that she would turn the cutting board over?

I think stuff like that is part of the issue that retirement has caused.  She has been doing everything all these years now suddenly he is in the kitchen all huffy because she might know something he doesn’t.

[hshibley]

48 minutes ago, Lecka said:

I don’t think it’s fair to ask “her” son for information when this man has raised him since the age of 2.  
 

I don’t think it’s a good idea on multiple levels.

 

Is there not another option for her?  What if she just considered bringing him into it off limits, then what would her options be?

Has she ever directly asked her husband about the finances? I agree with keeping the kids out. You can’t complain that the husband is venting to the daughter and draw the son into the drama. 

[regentrude]

14 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

You really think it is dysfunctional that she would turn the cutting board over?

I think stuff like that is part of the issue that retirement has caused.  She has been doing everything all these years now suddenly he is in the kitchen all huffy because she might know something he doesn’t.

It's infantilizing and annoying. If she wants him to do tasks, let the man do it his way. Men don't usually appreciate unsolicited advice. 

[Clarita]

16 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

You really think it is dysfunctional that she would turn the cutting board over?

I think stuff like that is part of the issue that retirement has caused.  She has been doing everything all these years now suddenly he is in the kitchen all huffy because she might know something he doesn’t.

Here's the dysfunction, say it isn't the cutting board and it's the finances. She spends $200 of their massive fortune on a pair of shoes. He doesn't think that's the right use of funds and returns them. How does that feel?

He has done some inexcusable jerk moves. She is not the perfect victim and it's OK. It is hard to start mending any relationship or finding a solution until at least one of the parties is willing to do something different than what they have been doing.

[hshibley]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

It's infantilizing and annoying. If she wants him to do tasks, let the man do it his way. Men don't usually appreciate unsolicited advice. 

Honestly no appreciates this kind of advice. Flip it around you are trying to help your husband out by doing one of his chores- weeding the garden bed, cleaning the garage, whatever you are happily going along using your own method and he butts in to correct some minor detail that has no bearing on the final result. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

25 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

You really think it is dysfunctional that she would turn the cutting board over?

I think stuff like that is part of the issue that retirement has caused.  She has been doing everything all these years now suddenly he is in the kitchen all huffy because she might know something he doesn’t.

I think that it’s dysfunctional that she should be married for so many years and not know the basics of their finances. She should have been asking questions all along even if she thought that he was perfect at first. I think that it’s dysfunctional that she doesn’t let her husband know her preferences. And that she hasn’t set boundaries. None of this sounds like a sudden change. It’s just the fruit of a lack of communication that was there from the beginning. 
 

If he’s an extrovert who thrives on huge shared vacations and she doesn’t, it’s a matter of communication and mutual respect. It’s a huge jump to accuse someone of a brain tumor.   So far I have seen no evidence of him having headaches, seizures, cognitive decline, balance issues, etc etc which are real signs of a brain tumor. So he might be a jerk but she’s not exactly coming off as a rose. She’s just more passive aggressive about it. 

[marbel]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

You really think it is dysfunctional that she would turn the cutting board over?

I think stuff like that is part of the issue that retirement has caused.  She has been doing everything all these years now suddenly he is in the kitchen all huffy because she might know something he doesn’t.

Is he all huffy because she knows something he doesn't, or is it because she made him feel stupid by pointing out that the cutting board was upside down? 

As has been said, people don't generally like unsolicited advice, though of course sometimes it's needed, (such as when one of my kids cranks the stove up inappropriately high when using a nonstick pan).  And people really don't like it when it makes them feel stupid. 

Of course it can depend on how it's said. "Oh hey hon, let me flip that cutting board over before you carve that chicken; there's a channel on the other side to catch the juice" might go over better than just stepping in and doing it. 

Honestly this couple seems like they could keep a therapist busy for a long time. 

Edited September 22, 2022 by marbel

[Ausmumof3]

12 hours ago, marbel said:

For people who are used to being in charge and right all the time (whether they are truly right or if people are just always telling them they are) it can be hard to be shown to be wrong. I'm not excusing the behavior, just saying I have seen it and understand it. 

But, what big difference does it make if the cutting board is upside down? I mean, if he's carving a roast then juice will drip, and he'll have to clean it up. If he's cutting up a lime for cocktail, no harm done.  I sometimes don't bother to place the cutting board correctly with the drain rim up if it's not needed and I just happen to put it on the counter upside down. I'd be annoyed if my husband decided to fix that for me. I'd get over it quickly and he probably wouldn't even know I was annoyed, so I don't think the husband was correct to be offended. But it seems rather a petty thing. But those petty things can be love - and marriage - breakers.

This is unimportant and I'm wildly speculating, as we all (except Scarlett) are at this point. But it was just an interesting point to me.  

Or maybe I'm thinking of some different kind of cutting board lol.

Or maybe he cuts it up and leaves her to wipe up the mess. And she’s trying to save herself a job. Or they have a bench top that stains. Or she’s just trying to help him being more efficient at his job seeing he seems to value efficiency and productivity 

[Melissa in Australia]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

You really think it is dysfunctional that she would turn the cutting board over?

I think stuff like that is part of the issue that retirement has caused.  She has been doing everything all these years now suddenly he is in the kitchen all huffy because she might know something he doesn’t.

I think it very dysfunctional 

She wants him to prepare his own meal then she wants to be micromanaging how he does everything. If I was him I would say you do it and then be mad at her when she didn't 

[Ausmumof3]

Stuff like the cutting board thing seems to be such a common thing. What does functional look like in this situation? Telling him there’s a ridge on the back to catch the drips? Watching him use a cutting board wrong and clean up the mess every time for years? 
 

We are dealing with some of this stuff ourself as DH is working less, and I’m working more and he’s doing more house stuff. I do get antsy when he takes over when I’m halfway through or tells me stuff (even though to be honest he’s probably a better cook than I am, there’s just some areas that I know stuff better because of over 20 years of experience). Should I say nothing when he puts stuff in the dishwasher that’s not dishwasher safe? (The reason I no longer have functioning kitchen equipment?) what’s the line between something you tell and something you don’t. 

[Melissa in Australia]

21 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Stuff like the cutting board thing seems to be such a common thing. What does functional look like in this situation? Telling him there’s a ridge on the back to catch the drips? Watching him use a cutting board wrong and clean up the mess every time for years? 
 

We are dealing with some of this stuff ourself as DH is working less, and I’m working more and he’s doing more house stuff. I do get antsy when he takes over when I’m halfway through or tells me stuff (even though to be honest he’s probably a better cook than I am, there’s just some areas that I know stuff better because of over 20 years of experience). Should I say nothing when he puts stuff in the dishwasher that’s not dishwasher safe? (The reason I no longer have functioning kitchen equipment?) what’s the line between something you tell and something you don’t. 

It is all in the way it is done

 Coming over and yanking it out of his hands  or in this lady's case going over and flipping it while he is using it is not nice.  

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

The cutting board scenario is kid’s stuff. Ie. Just one of the little annoyances that crops up in families. 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Melissa in Australia said:

I think it very dysfunctional 

She wants him to prepare his own meal then she wants to be micromanaging how he does everything. If I was him I would say you do it and then be mad at her when she didn't 

What? He doesn’t prepare his own meals. He rarely does anything.  Which is probably why he did not know how to use the cutting board. 

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

It is all in the way it is done

 Coming over and yanking it out of his hands  or in this lady's case going over and flipping it while he is using it is not nice.  

 

Oh good grief… she didn’t flip food  off if it. 

[Scarlett]

41 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Stuff like the cutting board thing seems to be such a common thing. What does functional look like in this situation? Telling him there’s a ridge on the back to catch the drips? Watching him use a cutting board wrong and clean up the mess every time for years? 
 

We are dealing with some of this stuff ourself as DH is working less, and I’m working more and he’s doing more house stuff. I do get antsy when he takes over when I’m halfway through or tells me stuff (even though to be honest he’s probably a better cook than I am, there’s just some areas that I know stuff better because of over 20 years of experience). Should I say nothing when he puts stuff in the dishwasher that’s not dishwasher safe? (The reason I no longer have functioning kitchen equipment?) what’s the line between something you tell and something you don’t. 

Yes I feel like the cuttting bused thing was overblown. The point was his he responded so angrily which he had never done before. 

[Ausmumof3]

41 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

It is all in the way it is done

 Coming over and yanking it out of his hands  or in this lady's case going over and flipping it while he is using it is not nice.  

 

I think I must have been picturing a different interaction or scenario. I do think there’s some men you just can’t tell stuff like that to without angst though. My DH is not usually like that but there have been times when he’s stressed out over work stuff that he might have a negative reaction to being told? 

[Melissa in Australia]

58 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

I think I must have been picturing a different interaction or scenario. I do think there’s some men you just can’t tell stuff like that to without angst though. My DH is not usually like that but there have been times when he’s stressed out over work stuff that he might have a negative reaction to being told? 

It is hard to know what scenerio to picture, and I think each one of us when reading something visualises something different based on our own personal lived experiance 

[Ausmumof3]

9 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

It is hard to know what scenerio to picture, and I think each one of us when reading something visualises something different based on our own personal lived experiance 

So true! This is what makes these threads so hard.

[Clarita]

2 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Stuff like the cutting board thing seems to be such a common thing. What does functional look like in this situation? Telling him there’s a ridge on the back to catch the drips? Watching him use a cutting board wrong and clean up the mess every time for years? 

Bottom line is functional does not look like thinking he's going to be this incompetent for years before he figures out to use the ridges. Functional could look like asking him to clean up the mess after he has completed the task. If all were well and good sure give him a jab and flip the board over whatever, but when things are tense it's better to communicate the desired end result (a clean kitchen and appreciation for the tiny bit of help) rather than micromanage.

When relationships are all good and everyone is on good terms these little interactions are no big deal. When relationships are sour then everyone needs to be a little more careful with these interactions and quicker to acknowledge and apologize for missteps. So, if they both really want to work on things after the blow up she would acknowledge and apologize for micromanaging and he would acknowledge and apologize for blowing up.

This suggestion would be based on the most effective and well received way of telling a coworker how to do their jobs better. Especially in situations when a coworker is unhappy with their job and superiors unhappy with their work.

[Scarlett]

6 hours ago, Clarita said:

Bottom line is functional does not look like thinking he's going to be this incompetent for years before he figures out to use the ridges. Functional could look like asking him to clean up the mess after he has completed the task. If all were well and good sure give him a jab and flip the board over whatever, but when things are tense it's better to communicate the desired end result (a clean kitchen and appreciation for the tiny bit of help) rather than micromanage.

When relationships are all good and everyone is on good terms these little interactions are no big deal. When relationships are sour then everyone needs to be a little more careful with these interactions and quicker to acknowledge and apologize for missteps. So, if they both really want to work on things after the blow up she would acknowledge and apologize for micromanaging and he would acknowledge and apologize for blowing up.

This suggestion would be based on the most effective and well received way of telling a coworker how to do their jobs better. Especially in situations when a coworker is unhappy with their job and superiors unhappy with their work.

Yes I realize all situations are different.  The example of the cutting board was one if the things that happened when she noticed he was changing, you can be sure NOW she  would not flip over the board.  It is one of the symptoms that things are off.  He seems different to her. Nothing like the man she married.  To an alarming degree.  And some of the other more serious things he has done to her in recent years do make her wonder if something is physically wrong with him.  

So obviously he is feeling different about her, thus why I wondered if retirement might have changed him in some way.  But as I have read through this thread I am beginning to think it is a combination of things.  The daughter moving to where they live has been a big problem.  He feels constant pressure to keep his adult daughter happy.  And I think the stress of that along with age, retirement etc has changed the workings of his marriage to where now my friend is Very unhappy.  
 

I realize she has to speak up in order for any hope of change.  I think she has made the call to the therapist so hopefully some progress can be be made. They are leaving  for a European vacation in a few weeks and I hope she gets in to the therapist before that.  

[marbel]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

realize she has to speak up in order for any hope of change.  I think she has made the call to the therapist so hopefully some progress can be be made. They are leaving  for a European vacation in a few weeks and I hope she gets in to the therapist before that.  

Oh, I hope so, and that she can get some tools to start a good conversation while on their trip. Maybe a relaxed atmosphere can help. Or hours sitting together on a plane.  (Projecting here: my husband and I have our best and most fruitful conversations while walking in the woods together, or in the car on a longer drive. Well, this whole thread has been full of projection --> and I am including myself in that.)

[Clarita]

6 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I realize she has to speak up in order for any hope of change.  I think she has made the call to the therapist so hopefully some progress can be be made. They are leaving  for a European vacation in a few weeks and I hope she gets in to the therapist before that.  

I actually think he needs to speak up too. For him it's both speaking up before some random issue becomes "the last straw" and to bring things up in a way that welcomes problem solving instead of "you need to do it my way". (Specifically thinking of the breakfast scenario.) 

[Corraleno]

17 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Stuff like the cutting board thing seems to be such a common thing. What does functional look like in this situation? Telling him there’s a ridge on the back to catch the drips? Watching him use a cutting board wrong and clean up the mess every time for years? 

But there is nothing wrong with using the flat side of a cutting board, and unless he was carving a giant piece of bloody meat, no reason it should make a mess. Most cutting boards don't even have those grooves, and the ones that do are usually designed to reverse to a flat side. The husband may have preferred the flat side, but even if he didn't, there's really no excuse to just flip over a cutting board that someone is in the middle of using in a perfectly reasonable way.

What's dysfunctional about that interaction is that she's getting back at him for his criticism of her by criticizing him back in a really petty and passive-aggressive way (let me demonstrate what an idiot you are for not using this tool the way I use it) and then claiming to be a victim when he reacts with anger. What "functional would look like in this situation" would be her letting him use a cutting board however the heck he wants, and having a mature discussion with him about how much his criticism of her hurts her feelings. Covert, passive-aggressive criticism is just as dysfunctional and relationship-damaging as overt criticism.

[Laurel-in-CA]

Honestly, she can just email the advisor and ask for a list of checking, savings, and investment accounts she is a signer on and the balance, and a list of accounts she is a beneficiary on and the balance. Just a list. That's a start. 

Does somebody file bank statements? If so, she could get a copy of the statement for each account from their files at home. 

[2squared]

1 hour ago, Laurel-in-CA said:

Honestly, she can just email the advisor and ask for a list of checking, savings, and investment accounts she is a signer on and the balance, and a list of accounts she is a beneficiary on and the balance. Just a list. That's a start. 

Does somebody file bank statements? If so, she could get a copy of the statement for each account from their files at home. 

I would ask the accountant for the 2021 tax return. She would have signed it, and it sounds like she signed it without understanding their financial position. 
 

Now that I think about it, I electronically sign for dh, so he doesn’t see our tax returns. However, if they have immense wealth, I am certain a professional is preparing the returns and the professional would require her approval.
 

Either way, her name is on the return. She has legal right to it. 

[Ausmumof3]

1 hour ago, Corraleno said:

But there is nothing wrong with using the flat side of a cutting board, and unless he was carving a giant piece of bloody meat, no reason it should make a mess. Most cutting boards don't even have those grooves, and the ones that do are usually designed to reverse to a flat side. The husband may have preferred the flat side, but even if he didn't, there's really no excuse to just flip over a cutting board that someone is in the middle of using in a perfectly reasonable way.

What's dysfunctional about that interaction is that she's getting back at him for his criticism of her by criticizing him back in a really petty and passive-aggressive way (let me demonstrate what an idiot you are for not using this tool the way I use it) and then claiming to be a victim when he reacts with anger. What "functional would look like in this situation" would be her letting him use a cutting board however the heck he wants, and having a mature discussion with him about how much his criticism of her hurts her feelings. Covert, passive-aggressive criticism is just as dysfunctional and relationship-damaging as overt criticism.

I assumed there must have been a pragmatic rather than psychological reason for flipping the board. If she did it to stake a claim, sure, that would be kind of dysfunctional. It doesn’t say in Scarlett’s post. I assume if she was doing it for that reason she wouldn’t have been surprised by his anger, because there would have already been a kind of tension. 

[Scarlett]

3 hours ago, Corraleno said:

But there is nothing wrong with using the flat side of a cutting board, and unless he was carving a giant piece of bloody meat, no reason it should make a mess. Most cutting boards don't even have those grooves, and the ones that do are usually designed to reverse to a flat side. The husband may have preferred the flat side, but even if he didn't, there's really no excuse to just flip over a cutting board that someone is in the middle of using in a perfectly reasonable way.

What's dysfunctional about that interaction is that she's getting back at him for his criticism of her by criticizing him back in a really petty and passive-aggressive way (let me demonstrate what an idiot you are for not using this tool the way I use it) and then claiming to be a victim when he reacts with anger. What "functional would look like in this situation" would be her letting him use a cutting board however the heck he wants, and having a mature discussion with him about how much his criticism of her hurts her feelings. Covert, passive-aggressive criticism is just as dysfunctional and relationship-damaging as overt criticism.

Well as I said I think people are fixating on the cutting board….I don’t know if you guys think she waited until he had food on it or what but he  laid it down and she turned it over. That did not need to be a big deal. For what ever reason SHE believed it was important to turn it over….in the past he would not have been upset at her doing that at all. He has changed.  That is the point. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

9 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Well as I said I think people are fixating on the cutting board….I don’t know if you guys think she waited until he had food on it or what but he  laid it down and she turned it over. That did not need to be a big deal. For what ever reason SHE believed it was important to turn it over….in the past he would not have been upset at her doing that at all. He has changed.  That is the point. 

Or he’s been having growing frustration with her just as she is with him. As long as he’s not violent, he’s allowed to express irritation, isn’t he?  

[Scarlett]

13 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Or he’s been having growing frustration with her just as she is with him. As long as he’s not violent, he’s allowed to express irritation, isn’t he?  

I mean sure.  But it is just one thing out of many.  

[Lecka]

I hope things work out for them!  And if not for them, for her.  Since she’s your friend, and he’s the one who has changed.  But I hope their relationship will go back to how it was before.  I think it is possible!

 

Man, I can’t help thinking, the family compound thing often sounds so good but just doesn’t always work out.  It’s too bad, though.  

[Catwoman]

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Well as I said I think people are fixating on the cutting board….I don’t know if you guys think she waited until he had food on it or what but he  laid it down and she turned it over. That did not need to be a big deal. For what ever reason SHE believed it was important to turn it over….in the past he would not have been upset at her doing that at all. He has changed.  That is the point. 

Are you sure he has changed, or could it be that they are spending more time together and they’re starting to get on each other’s nerves? It would be easy for both of them to start noticing more of each other’s quirks and flaws now that he is retired and they see a lot more of each other than when he was working.