s/o the wedding scrooge

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

neverminde

Texas, I don’t want you to feel bad. It was never my intention. I thought I was giving a frank answer to your question. It’s just…I have been in the same spot you seem to be in; I even put up a post maybe four or five years ago where I asked, “Is there any such thing as a nice wedding under $10,000?” I was thinking the same way you appear to be: kinda terrified that I have to come up with some ghastly amount of money to simply celebrate my daughter’s marriage. But the thing is, it works out. I wasted a lot of worry on nothing. I told dd what we could contribute, told her I will help her in any other way I can - making flowers and decorations, sourcing things, look for an appropriate venue, etc. - and she figured it out. She was actually *surprised* I offered as much as I did because I am frugal on the whole and she expected a frugal approach for this too. 
 

If I can spend the time, I’ll try to dig up my old thread about $10K wedding. It would be amusing to me to see what I wrote at the time. 

[TexasProud]

9 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

t. For me, people and community are super important. There are many times when you can get all of the people you love in one place to be together. 

 

And maybe I should make a spin-off thread of my spin off thread. LOL.  Yeah, I don't have a community.

I have gotten super depressed after reading/listening to Jennie Allen's Find Your People thread. She has friends she gets together with several times a week. She talks about living in community.  Doing life with community.

My relationships have always been activity driven and when the activity is over it seems like so is the relationship.  I mean if we run into each other we have a great time catching up, but I am not "close" with them.  It also seemed that somehow, though I didn't try, and in fact often times tried really, really hard not to, I ended up in charge of whatever the activity was.  People like me, seem to be impressed with my organizational abilities and my ability to get people to work together, but we do not socialize together after the activity. 

Of course part of that was I have been traveling for mission stuff and taking care of various relatives.

Then Covid and seminary and my values and beliefs are now different.  

We have our best friends, but trying to schedule time together hasn't worked because either they were traveling/serving or we were or my mom had a crisis. (Had to cancel our last 2 get-togethers) There are 2 or 3 other couples I would love to get to know better. 

But yeah, as I mentioned but deleted, my husband was the town surgeon. So he has operated on everyone or at least everyone's friend or relative. Everyone knows "doc." So community feels more like performance, duty, obligations to take care of people (I am always the one that organized food trains and took meals to sick people, etc.). I don't really have a relationship with any of them. Not sure if that make sense and this is a complete rabbit trail.

Sorry I am a verbal processor and that is part of what these threads help me figure out. So yeah, if I was really close to the community. If I had good friends, then it would be a celebration of people who I loved and who loved me. But since community feels like a performance to me, it feels ostentatious to me...  Ok, thanks everyone. That is why it feels different to me.

 

[TexasProud]

10 minutes ago, freesia said:

I have definitely been to weddings where the whole church was invited to the wedding and cake/punch reception, but the sit down was a smaller—mostly family and out of town guests. I have been on both sides of the exclusive group. It didn’t  feel icky at all. It’s usually handled by a formal invite for sit down people and a church announcement for the open invite—come join Tara and Gerry for the wedding on Sat. We will celebrate with cake/punch afterwards in fellowship hall. 

That I could see.  Though we are not close to the "community." We are VERY VERY close to dh's family. I could so see having cake and punch with the whole church and a sit down later, though honestly without the bride and groom probably.  I was so like, "I want out of here to start our life." at our reception.

[freesia]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

That I could see.  Though we are not close to the "community." We are VERY VERY close to dh's family. I could so see having cake and punch with the whole church and a sit down later, though honestly without the bride and groom probably.  I was so like, "I want out of here to start our life." at our reception.

But if you thought of the cake/ punch as appetizer reception, you might have been able to make it to both. But it’s probably not that important they’d be there. You never really got to spend time with the bride and groom unless you are in the wedding party. It’s more about celebrating with friends and family. 

[freesia]

8 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

And maybe I should make a spin-off thread of my spin off thread. LOL.  Yeah, I don't have a community.

I have gotten super depressed after reading/listening to Jennie Allen's Find Your People thread. She has friends she gets together with several times a week. She talks about living in community.  Doing life with community.

My relationships have always been activity driven and when the activity is over it seems like so is the relationship.  I mean if we run into each other we have a great time catching up, but I am not "close" with them.  It also seemed that somehow, though I didn't try, and in fact often times tried really, really hard not to, I ended up in charge of whatever the activity was.  People like me, seem to be impressed with my organizational abilities and my ability to get people to work together, but we do not socialize together after the activity. 

Of course part of that was I have been traveling for mission stuff and taking care of various relatives.

Then Covid and seminary and my values and beliefs are now different.  

We have our best friends, but trying to schedule time together hasn't worked because either they were traveling/serving or we were or my mom had a crisis. (Had to cancel our last 2 get-togethers) There are 2 or 3 other couples I would love to get to know better. 

But yeah, as I mentioned but deleted, my husband was the town surgeon. So he has operated on everyone or at least everyone's friend or relative. Everyone knows "doc." So community feels more like performance, duty, obligations to take care of people (I am always the one that organized food trains and took meals to sick people, etc.). I don't really have a relationship with any of them. Not sure if that make sense and this is a complete rabbit trail.

Sorry I am a verbal processor and that is part of what these threads help me figure out. So yeah, if I was really close to the community. If I had good friends, then it would be a celebration of people who I loved and who loved me. But since community feels like a performance to me, it feels ostentatious to me...  Ok, thanks everyone. That is why it feels different to me.

 

Your children may have a different view of community than you.  Maybe not your sons, as you say, but your dd. 

[Guest]

8 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

have gotten super depressed after reading/listening to Jennie Allen's Find Your People thread. She has friends she gets together with several times a week. She talks about living in community.  Doing life with community.

Oh my goodness, did I miss a thread about this book?? I hated that book. I think that book is terrible. Ohhh now I must try to find it…

[Ann.without.an.e]

12 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

And maybe I should make a spin-off thread of my spin off thread. LOL.  Yeah, I don't have a community.

 

 

I was literally writing a reply (when this popped up) about how this seems to be hitting something deeper for you. That sounds really difficult. Big life events can make you feel that you don’t have enough community, for sure. Sometimes those feelings are true and sometimes they aren’t. Life is busy and it sounds like you’ve been incredibly busy. My best friend in the whole world, the only time I’ve seen her all year is the wedding. Sometimes we expect too much out of relationships in our busy world. You can be one of my best friends and we text once or twice a month. 
I hope you can find connections. We don’t need many, I have 3 close female friends, everyone else I keep at more of an acquaintance level. 
It also sounds like you and your DH are more task and service oriented and not so much people oriented? DH is that way. I’m people focused. There’s no wrong in either way ❤️

Edited June 12, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[Ann.without.an.e]

1 minute ago, Quill said:

Oh my goodness, did I miss a thread about this book?? I hated that book. I think that book is terrible. Ohhh now I must try to find it…

I’ve had this book in my Amazon cart but now with you and @TexasProudi think I’ll skip it 😂

[Guest]

7 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

I’ve had this book in my Amazon cart but now with you and @TexasProudi think I’ll skip it 😂

I think the advice is dreadful. I literally decided to read it when someone here suggested a new friend seemed to be Find Your People-ing me. 
I’ll put my goodreads link here if you like; you could look at my notes and highlights. Or just read my review. 
 

ETA: I probably won’t do that, though, unless I see what the tone is about that book, lol. Because I don’t want anyone to spiral into depression upon learning that Find Your People is not perceived the same way by others who already *have* people. 

Edited June 12, 2022 by Quill

[TexasProud]

4 minutes ago, freesia said:

Your children may have a different view of community than you.  Maybe not your sons, as you say, but your dd. 

LOL.  She has NO desire to ever come back here to live. Ever. Complicated, and I won't get into it.  But yeah, working  here this summer and she smiles, but she has no friends here.  She could care less whether her 1st grade Sunday school teacher comes or not. I mean she smiles and she is nice. But all of her relationships are in Indiana now. And she wants to live in New York City when she graduates and avoid small towns like the plague. 

[freesia]

6 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

LOL.  She has NO desire to ever come back here to live. Ever. Complicated, and I won't get into it.  But yeah, working  here this summer and she smiles, but she has no friends here.  She could care less whether her 1st grade Sunday school teacher comes or not. I mean she smiles and she is nice. But all of her relationships are in Indiana now. And she wants to live in New York City when she graduates and avoid small towns like the plague. 

Then chances are the wedding won’t even be in Texas. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, freesia said:

Then chances are the wedding won’t even be in Texas. 

Absolutely true.

[TexasProud]

12 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

I’ve had this book in my Amazon cart but now with you and @TexasProudi think I’ll skip it 😂

I actually loved the book. I WANT to live that way.  I DID live that way in college and when my husband was in residency. But since we have moved here I have been deeply, deeply lonely. 

I would love to live in a small house with no land, have a small group of girlfriends I could go get coffee with or have over and sit around the fire pit and talk or even 2 or 3 couple friends.  My mom and step-dad have 3 other couple friends and they traveled together all the time. They have been so supportive during her cancer battle. ( Part of the reason why there is no way I would ever move her here and I go there. I will not move her from her support system.)

[Ann.without.an.e]

27 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I actually loved the book. I WANT to live that way.  I DID live that way in college and when my husband was in residency. But since we have moved here I have been deeply, deeply lonely. 

I would love to live in a small house with no land, have a small group of girlfriends I could go get coffee with or have over and sit around the fire pit and talk or even 2 or 3 couple friends.  My mom and step-dad have 3 other couple friends and they traveled together all the time. They have been so supportive during her cancer battle. ( Part of the reason why there is no way I would ever move her here and I go there. I will not move her from her support system.)

I'm so sorry Texas, being lonely is no fun. I can't remember, how long have you lived there? Are you plugged into a church? Do you think that this feeling that your dh is "the" doctor in town puts you in a position where you feel pressured to be viewed, perceived, or accepted in some certain way? Because that will take away your vulnerability and authenticity to be who you really are which is a necessity for real connection. I do know it is difficult to have great resources (as you would in your dh's position) yet not want a wealthy lifestyle. It sticks you between two worlds? Not fully embracing or feeling accepted by either one?

Edited June 12, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[shawthorne44]

Texas Proud, that is rough.   People probably think that you have plenty of friends since you are so involved in stuff.   Then you add in that the things you are involved in, you are in a position of authority.    

For example, in my daughters AHG troop I became best friend's with with one of the other moms.   Fortunately, our daughters get along and are now best friends.  We see each other weekly.   I've known the leader of the group for longer.  She's never seemed an option as a friend.  Of course our kids are different ages.   

Without kids and without the nice town that we live in, it would be hard to make friends.  Except for the friend I mentioned, all others have been friends for 20+ years.  

 

[Catwoman]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

Also, not “a sit down dinner.” To me, that is country club where the servers bring food to each guest. I haven’t even seen one in decades. It is buffet-style. But it’s a meal. 

In our family, you’re viewed as a cheapskate if you don’t do the full, multi-course sit down dinner, or if you don’t have also have a cocktail hour and the Venetian hour, and an open bar throughout the reception, or if you have a DJ instead of a full band or orchestra  —  so that’s why I think people should do whatever they want for their special day, and if people want to judge them for their choices, who cares? People have different expectations, but I don’t think anyone should lose sleep trying to meet other people’s expectations for their own wedding.

@TexasProud, there is no question that some of the people you know going to judge you as a cheapskate if you do a cake and punch wedding, when you can afford much more. But so what? If you care that much about what people think, then you’ll have to end up spending a lot more money than you are comfortable with spending — and then some people will judge you as being ostentatious and showy. There is no winning, so there’s no point in worrying about it. 🙂 

Seriously, just let the bride and groom plan the wedding they want, and let other people suck it up and deal with it. You seem to worry a lot about what other people think, but in the end, all that matters is that the bride and groom have their day the way they want it to be. If people are petty enough to judge, that’s their issue, not yours.

 

[Catwoman]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

That I could see.  Though we are not close to the "community." We are VERY VERY close to dh's family. I could so see having cake and punch with the whole church and a sit down later, though honestly without the bride and groom probably.  I was so like, "I want out of here to start our life." at our reception.

 

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

LOL.  She has NO desire to ever come back here to live. Ever. Complicated, and I won't get into it.  But yeah, working  here this summer and she smiles, but she has no friends here.  She could care less whether her 1st grade Sunday school teacher comes or not. I mean she smiles and she is nice. But all of her relationships are in Indiana now. And she wants to live in New York City when she graduates and avoid small towns like the plague. 

Something to keep in mind here is that this is not your wedding. Most of these decisions will not be yours to make, other than a decision about how much money you will contribute.

This will be one of your kids’ weddings. They may have absolutely no interest in inviting the entire church — they and their future spouse may have an entirely different guest list in mind, and they may want an entirely different style of wedding than you are anticipating. 

That’s why I don’t necessarily think it pays to spend too much time pondering over this sort of thing before there is even a potential wedding on the horizon. 

For all you know, you could end up with your daughter wanting a traditional Jewish wedding, or your son marrying an Italian girl who wants an NYC-style Italian Catholic wedding. They may not even get married in your church, let alone have cake and punch in the fellowship hall afterward.

I’m sure that, whatever happens, you will let your kids take the lead in planning their weddings, and you will decide how you want to contribute to it when the time comes. It’s easy to set limits and make rules about it now, when this is all completely hypothetical, but when there’s a real wedding being planned, you may find yourself changing your tune.

[catz]

Texas, I actually really relate to this.  When I had my wedding there were a number of reasons we wanted to have a bigger event.  Part of it was expectation.  My dad owned a fairly sizable and successfull business and we were marrying in the same metro as that business.  My husband's family has so many aunts, uncles, cousins many in town and they just all had weddings.  Some were very basic affairs, some were over the top, but we were invited to many weddings/events at that time.   We met at work at a start up, we had many coworker friends.

But now, we don't have the community or pull to want to have a huge event.  We have tons of acquaintences, so we could invite a ton of people.  But I'm not sure most of them would care one way or another if they were invited and wouldn't necessarily invite to event in their family.  Covid has amplified this 10X.  I have a high school senior this year applying to colleges.  But after that I feel like I have to start over building community and maybe get a job, etc.  

Even our siblings and their kids, we are not super close with.  We have had a few grandkids get married on one side and I feel like there is not a huge desire or expectation there either for an event.   I'm not saying we wouldn't have one, I feel like that is mostly up to my kids and their chosen partners.  I just have a hard time imagining it.

One thing I will say is DH and I did have a large event with a cocktail hour and a meal.  We were both older professionals, we paid cash for our wedding and went on a 4 week overseas honeymoon we paid for as well.  We knew a WIDE range of people socioeconomically.  We had a very much come as you are event.  We had people in jeans and we had people dressed to the nines.  We actually did pay more for a buffet.  We wanted a less formal, mingly feel and it was Italian food.  I think it's good to know your guest list and goals if you're having a bigger event.   Some subgroups at our wedding just had the best time and really appreciated the event and still bring it up when I see them.  But like we don't have communities ourselves really like that now.  

I do feel like for us, especially right now if our kids were to marry younger, having a huge event for a particular group doesn't feel like a need or a goal.  But like the last 3 years in a row, my daughter and I have spent thousands of dollars on theater tickets.  We do all the traveling broadway shows and plenty of regional shows too.  I'm sure plenty of people here would find that a waste of money.  But it's the most important money I've spent on my relationship with my daughter during her teen years IMO.  Even if my husband rolls his eyes a bit.  😂 

I do think it's almost impossible to be overly prepared for retirement these days.  It's a huge gift to your kids to be over prepared for elder years.  I've watched a few acquaintences deal with aging parents as they run out of money the last few years and it's really sad.  

As in most things in life, you do you.  I will still happily show up for the weddings that work for us to joyfully celebrate and if my kids chose to marry, we will see.  I totally believe things can evolve over time as communities change and grow.  

Edited June 13, 2022 by catz

[Catwoman]

@catz — Your wedding sounds like it was FUN!!!

[HS Mom in NC]

3 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, but Quill pretty much said that if I do not have a sit down dinner we are cheapskates and worthy of being judged. 

No, she didn't.

Are you on The Spectrum?  I ask because your thinking has always seemed unusually rigid in all of your posts,  even in situations where people have very effectively explained the nuance like Quill did.  

[alisoncooks]

There are still lots of people that *choose* to have inexpensive weddings because they have views (religious, personal philosophy) re: waste or consumerism or extravagance in the face of so much world need. 

We work with college students and have been invited to many, many weddings in the last 18 years. I think there has been a shift to simpler weddings, at least in my area, in our circle.  With two daughters, I’m all for that. 

[WildflowerMom]

“Catwoman: Something to keep in mind here is that this is not your wedding. Most of these decisions will not be yours to make, other than a decision about how much money you will contribute.

This will be one of your kids’ weddings. They may have absolutely no interest in inviting the entire church — they and their future spouse may have an entirely different guest list in mind, and they may want an entirely different style of wedding than you are anticipating.”

my quotey thing went heywire.   
what Catwoman said.   The guest list will not be your guest list.   The bride and groom will decide who to invite.   Right now, ds and future dil have gone from 100 down to 75 on their guest list and I expect it’ll get smaller as we talk more and more about costs.   I’m thankful they shaved a quarter off!  🙌🏽   I don’t know who is on the guest list except their closest family, other than that idk 🤷🏻‍♀️.   But I think we (ME!) have to keep reminding ourselves, it’s their wedding, not ours.  

[Catwoman]

2 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

There are still lots of people that *choose* to have inexpensive weddings because they have views (religious, personal philosophy) re: waste or consumerism or extravagance in the face of so much world need. 

We work with college students and have been invited to many, many weddings in the last 18 years. I think there has been a shift to simpler weddings, at least in my area, in our circle.  With two daughters, I’m all for that. 

That is so true, and that’s why I think it’s so important to not judge people for their choices.

I have great admiration for people who would rather spend less on their weddings so they have more money to save for the future. It seems very sensible to me.

[QueenCat]

On 6/11/2022 at 9:07 AM, TexasProud said:

Just because you CAN pay for a nice wedding, does that mean it is  a SHOULD? Again,  PLEASE, I am not judging. Just philosophical wondering.  Because we can easily afford a 50,000 dollar wedding if we wanted to. 

Yes, and the boys are both so old that I would expect if they ever do get married, they will probably pay for some of it.

I think I've been to one wedding that didn't include a meal. These weddings ranged from families with less income to those that are quite wealthy. What was for dinner varied. There was a barbecue one in West Texas, a Mexican meal in Waco, both of which were simple buffets. Then there was a sit-down barbecue in Wisconsin, with the most expansive open bar I've ever seen. My sister's was probably the most expensive. Her dh comes from significant old wealth. They paid for a rehearsal dinner that was as formal as the wedding reception. Everyone that was invited to the wedding was invited to the rehearsal dinner. The norm, from my experiences, is wedding party, close family, and out of town guest. These are just a few of the weddings I've been to but I thought they were good examples of variety.

In other words, lots of variety of meals, with a wide range of incomes. But only once was there not a meal. That particular wedding was 3rd marriage for him, 2nd for her. They had their ceremony immediately after our normal church service, with a simple reception for all of the church and other guests afterwards. 

All of these weddings were lovely.

[AnotherNewName]

I am biased but as a guest I greatly prefer the cake and punch wedding receptions.  Makes it a nice simple day.

[Bootsie]

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

 

Something to keep in mind here is that this is not your wedding. Most of these decisions will not be yours to make, other than a decision about how much money you will contribute.

This will be one of your kids’ weddings. They may have absolutely no interest in inviting the entire church — they and their future spouse may have an entirely different guest list in mind, and they may want an entirely different style of wedding than you are anticipating. 

 

I think this has been a big change in attitude over the years.  When I was growing up, it was very much the idea that the bride's parents HOSTED a reception HONORING the bride and groom.  Thus, it was the brides parents who were in charge of the guest list, what they would like to serve, making sure that guests were comfortable, and hosting a celebratory event for the guests of honor (and of course paying for this event).  It was considerate of the parents to take into consideration the couple's preferences as to size and formality.  That is why the invitation read Mr. and Mrs. Smith request the honor of your presence... 

 

[Tree Frog]

On 6/11/2022 at 11:29 AM, Bootsie said:

I am curious about those who say that they have set aside $X for their children for a wedding or they will give them that amount for a downpayment on a house if they choose to elope.  At some point would you provide that same amount for a child who has not chosen to marry but who wants to purchase a house to use as a downpayment?  

We gave our kids money for college and told them that if they were frugal, used scholarships, and had jobs during college, they would have enough left over to pay for a wedding or use it however they want. Two of the three are out of school and have chosen to invest a significant portion of what was left, which they can pull out as needed for a down payment or a wedding. The third is in his senior year of college, but it looks like he will also have a good chunk left. So while we didn't say "this money is for college and this other money is for a wedding or down payment", we allowed them to control where they spent their money.

I think, though, that for my kiddos, this worked out well. However, only one has a significant other. The other two have said they don't plan to marry, so weddings were never really on their minds.  I'm not sure what we would've done if we had a child who was just graduating from high school and ready to marry. Though we likely would've wanted to, we wouldn't have had a large chunk of money to pay for a wedding or give them at that time.

[QueenCat]

13 minutes ago, AnotherNewName said:

I am biased but as a guest I greatly prefer the cake and punch wedding receptions.  Makes it a nice simple day.

That could be nice if you don't have to travel. For us, we pretty much almost always have to travel to weddings. I'm glad that the weddings are longer and have full meals, dancing, etc. I can't imagine flying somewhere or driving 10-12 hours and having a short reception. As out of town guests, we're always included in the rehearsal dinner as well. There is a lot of focus on spending time celebrating with family & friends. On both sides of our family and amongst our friends.

[Catwoman]

28 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

That could be nice if you don't have to travel. For us, we pretty much almost always have to travel to weddings. I'm glad that the weddings are longer and have full meals, dancing, etc. I can't imagine flying somewhere or driving 10-12 hours and having a short reception. As out of town guests, we're always included in the rehearsal dinner as well. There is a lot of focus on spending time celebrating with family & friends. On both sides of our family and amongst our friends.

Same here! And there is also usually a brunch the next day for whomever wants to attend, particularly if there are out of town guests, as well as some (optional, obviously) planned activities for the rest of the weekend for them as well, to make the trip worthwhile for them.

In our family, we offer to cover pretty much all of the costs for out of town guests to get to and from the wedding, and also for their weekend accommodations, meals, and activities, but I know that’s probably not too common. We just sort of feel like, if people are traveling a long distance to celebrate with us, we want to make it more like a mini-vacation for them.

 

Edited June 12, 2022 by Catwoman
Typo

[rebcoola]

5 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

That wasn’t our experience so this is interesting. The actual food may cost less but the service staff to serve and clear plates etc is a lot more money. 

For us we did sit down it was basically the same cost per head.  I had a country club wedding that was super cheap.  Since my dad was a manager and I worked their to they let us have the ballroom free on an unbooked night.  My grandpa was the officiant my aunt did the photography, DH uncle did the music.  We diy'd the flowers and decorations.  I'm sure some probably assumed it was expensive.

[AnotherNewName]

35 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

That could be nice if you don't have to travel. For us, we pretty much almost always have to travel to weddings. I'm glad that the weddings are longer and have full meals, dancing, etc. I can't imagine flying somewhere or driving 10-12 hours and having a short reception. As out of town guests, we're always included in the rehearsal dinner as well. There is a lot of focus on spending time celebrating with family & friends. On both sides of our family and amongst our friends.

I prefer the limited reception even when we travel.

[Tree Frog]

30 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Same here! And there is also usually a brunch the next day for whomever wants to attend, particularly if there are out of town guests, as well as some (optional, obviously) planned activities for the rest of the weekend for them as well, to make the trip worthwhile for them.

In our family, we offer to cover pretty much all of the costs for out of town guests to get to and from the wedding, and also for their weekend accommodations, meals, and activities, but I know that’s probably not too common. 

 

I'm wondering if you might be extended family. 🙂  We attended a beautiful wedding when dd was a baby. The bride's parents covered everything for us (including airfare to the wedding for our family of 4, I think) and had a wedding like you described expected for your social circle. I was included in the bridesmaid's brunch the morning of the wedding, very nice buses took us from the hotel to where ever the many wedding events were, there were little gift baskets in our hotel rooms with items specific to the region, etc.

This was all very foreign to me, but thinking about it now, I might understand a little better why the bride's mother sent us a lovely (s) letter that we received after our honeymoon (10+years earlier than her dd's wedding), detailing everythink I did wrong with my wedding. Maybe it was in part due to the different expectations between a western, very inexpensive wedding and an "east coast social event of the year" type of wedding she may have been expecting. 

Edited June 12, 2022 by Tree Frog

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Bootsie said:

I think this has been a big change in attitude over the years.  When I was growing up, it was very much the idea that the bride's parents HOSTED a reception HONORING the bride and groom.  Thus, it was the brides parents who were in charge of the guest list, what they would like to serve, making sure that guests were comfortable, and hosting a celebratory event for the guests of honor (and of course paying for this event).  

 

yes, this is what ruined my wedding.  My mother wanted to make it the way she wanted which was absolutely nothing what DH and I wanted.  She spent way more than they could afford and we remember it as a miserable experience.  DH and I lived OOS and paid for transportation and also paid for the best man to fly in for the wedding.  Any wedding money we received went towards airfare and lodging - we just broke even.  

[katilac]

For those with cake and punch reception experience: is it literally just cake and punch? 

I think it's icky to have an A list and a B list in general, but not when the B list is literally 'everyone,' lol. And when there's a strong tradition of it within the community. 

TexasProud, maybe it would help to think of what might fall in between cake and punch and a sit-down dinner. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing approach - unless the church hall literally only allows cake and punch? You could use the typical wording but also have some additional food: finger sandwiches, hors d'oeuvres, fruit and veggie platters, fun desserts. 

Maybe also reframe the way you think about it. Instead of having to spend a lot of money to feed the whole community when you aren't friends with them, you are choosing to spend a moderate amount of money in appreciation of the role the whole community played in supporting dh as the town doctor over the years. 

I think you might be underestimating the gratitude and goodwill the community at large might have for your dh, you, and your family in general. Because you both had leadership roles within the community and/or church, you 'know everyone' and that can feel shallow from your perspective.

Looking at it from the point of view of individuals who were helped by one or both of you, though, tells a different story. Something that you or dh might not even remember could be something remembered with happiness and appreciation by the individual. It's a big deal to them, and they likely feel a connection to your family that you don't feel in return. It's okay that you don't feel that (it's a lot of people!), but don't diminish their feelings as inauthentic. Lots of people might be really happy to share in the joy of the day in a way that you can't identify with. 

For example, there was a doctor who really stepped up to the plate for us when dd needed complicated surgery for a broken and displaced arm. It's a long story involving the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, but the pertinent fact is that he consulted at length with the scheduled surgeon even though he was not on call, and then came in from vacation to do the surgery himself bc the other surgeon did not have as much experience. 

That was 15 years ago, and he probably doesn't remember it at all - but I remember it with so much detail and gratitude. 

All of this to say that relationships that seem shallow to you might be very important to the people on the other side. It's not a 'friendship' but it's not nothing, either. 

[QueenCat]

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

Same here! And there is also usually a brunch the next day for whomever wants to attend, particularly if there are out of town guests, as well as some (optional, obviously) planned activities for the rest of the weekend for them as well, to make the trip worthwhile for them.

In our family, we offer to cover pretty much all of the costs for out of town guests to get to and from the wedding, and also for their weekend accommodations, meals, and activities, but I know that’s probably not too common. We just sort of feel like, if people are traveling a long distance to celebrate with us, we want to make it more like a mini-vacation for them.

 

Same... brunch next day is common. Usually, out of town guests leave from there. Transportation from hotel to rehearsal dinner, wedding, and reception is provided. Transportation to the area is on them, though. Help is often offered to families who can't afford it, but very discretely. Lots of people get together and do things during downtime. 

Edited June 12, 2022 by QueenCat

[TexasProud]

4 minutes ago, katilac said:

For those with cake and punch reception experience: is it literally just cake and punch? 

I think it's icky to have an A list and a B list in general, but not when the B list is literally 'everyone,' lol. And when there's a strong tradition of it within the community. 

TexasProud, maybe it would help to think of what might fall in between cake and punch and a sit-down dinner. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing approach - unless the church hall literally only allows cake and punch? You could use the typical wording but also have some additional food: finger sandwiches, hors d'oeuvres, fruit and veggie platters, fun desserts. 

Maybe also reframe the way you think about it. Instead of having to spend a lot of money to feed the whole community when you aren't friends with them, you are choosing to spend a moderate amount of money in appreciation of the role the whole community played in supporting dh as the town doctor over the years. 

I think you might be underestimating the gratitude and goodwill the community at large might have for your dh, you, and your family in general. Because you both had leadership roles within the community and/or church, you 'know everyone' and that can feel shallow from your perspective.

Looking at it from the point of view of individuals who were helped by one or both of you, though, tells a different story. Something that you or dh might not even remember could be something remembered with happiness and appreciation by the individual. It's a big deal to them, and they likely feel a connection to your family that you don't feel in return. It's okay that you don't feel that (it's a lot of people!), but don't diminish their feelings as inauthentic. Lots of people might be really happy to share in the joy of the day in a way that you can't identify with. 

For example, there was a doctor who really stepped up to the plate for us when dd needed complicated surgery for a broken and displaced arm. It's a long story involving the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, but the pertinent fact is that he consulted at length with the scheduled surgeon even though he was not on call, and then came in from vacation to do the surgery himself bc the other surgeon did not have as much experience. 

That was 15 years ago, and he probably doesn't remember it at all - but I remember it with so much detail and gratitude. 

All of this to say that relationships that seem shallow to you might be very important to the people on the other side. It's not a 'friendship' but it's not nothing, either. 

Yes. And as others have mentioned, this is all a mute point anyway.  Our kids will do whatever they want to do and they know us well enough by now to know what we will and won't pay for.  It is THEIR wedding. Not mine. I already had mine.  And one thing my kids have expressed a lot of gratitude for is the kind of mom I am. They saw so many moms who were either helicopter or totally not involved. They feel like I was/am involved the right amount in their lives.   

And yeah, my husband is/was that kind of doctor.  He gave 150 percent. One of our Sunday school members called him after falling off of a ladder and we met him at the ER.  People still call him to ask his advice.  And yeah, when he retired, I threw him a surprise party at the fellowship hall in our church. I found a place that brought in hamburgers with all the fixins and ordered a fancy cake. 400 people or more came by that day. So yeah.  I get it. But as someone mentioned, since none of our kids do or will live in our small town, it probably won't be here anyway.  We will just see what happens if and when anyone does get married.

[shawthorne44]

There can be important societal expectations.  A good friend of mine recently married a women from an important family in a city in Mexico.   He listed off the expectations for a wedding of anyone in that family.   I think he said that the minimum guest list was 400.   In addition to the normal expectations of a big wedding, each table needed to have three bottles of liquor and decent quality.    Guests stayed until the wee hours and then they were served something and left.   I don't remember what the something was.

Fortunately for us, they ended up having it here because of the lockdowns.   I say fortunately because travelling there would have cost us a significant percentage of what we spent on our wedding.  

Travelling to a wedding does change expectations.  One of my favorite weddings as a guest, we were served sheet cake and canned sodas.  If I'd had to travel to that, I'd have been disappointed.  

 

[HS Mom in NC]

6 hours ago, katilac said:

For those with cake and punch reception experience: is it literally just cake and punch?

Mine was cake, punch, coffee, bowl of fresh fruit, and tray of nuts. (Several diabetics attended, so we needed something other than cake for them to eat.) No A list and B list.  Everyone was invited to the ceremony and reception-they took place at the same location. We had 50 people total there. It was at my in-law's house.  The ceremony was 15 minutes and people ate and chatted after that for about an hour and a half.  We left an hour after the wedding started. 

No, we didn't invite anyone from more than a 1. 5 hour drive away (my husband's family.) The exception was a bridesmaid from out of state that we flew in, housed, fed, provided transportation for, and we paid for the bridal party members' clothing (best man, groomsman, maid of honor, bridesmaid, flower girl.)  Everyone was local-I had no interest in my wedding being an excuse for an extended family reunion.  I don't like 95% of my relatives and I didn't even want a wedding-it was a concession to my husband.  I wanted to the sign paperwork and take a vacation. I can imagine enjoying a small simple wedding if I had a different relatives, but it was a PIA dealing my mother like it always is.

I also don't travel for weddings, the exception being Joanne's second wedding (you guys know Joanne from the boards here about 10ish+ years ago.) She was a close friend (I attended the birth of her 3rd child.) Because I don't think weddings matter much, it's no big deal to miss a friend or family member's wedding. I go if it's not a big, huge deal, but if isn't in the time budget or the financial budget, it's no biggie. I don't think twice about missing it, even for someone close to me. I happily look through the wedding album next time I see them or I like their social media posts about it.  Yay! You got married!  It was lovely!

[Guest]

33 minutes ago, HS Mom in NC said:

also don't travel for weddings, the exception being Joanne's second wedding (you guys know Joanne from the boards here about 10ish+ years ago.) She was a close friend

Tangent: are you still in touch? She was great. Really hit that sweet spot between being a positive disciplinarian yet also no-nonsense. I really liked that about her. Learned some of my best child management ideas from her counsel. 

[DawnM]

Perfectly acceptable.   My friend's daughters got married in the same year.   They had very little $$, but the weddings were lovely.  They used the church they belonged to for free.   They did their own table decor, and they had simple pulled pork sliders, potato salad, potato chips, baked beans, Cole slaw, sweet and unsweet tea, and cake.   

They had 200 guests and spent under $5k.   And there was plenty of food.

 

[Ellie]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

Tangent: are you still in touch? She was great. Really hit that sweet spot between being a positive disciplinarian yet also no-nonsense. I really liked that about her. Learned some of my best child management ideas from her counsel. 

I met Joanne after I moved to Texas, but lost track of her when her marriage failed. 😞

[BakersDozen]

On 6/11/2022 at 11:25 AM, Murphy101 said:

I have not “budgeted” anything for their weddings.   I have said I will pay for precana (roughly $500-600). That’s it financially.  If we could do more, we probably would pitch in another $1000.

I'm so glad you posted this. We have a dollar amount of around 2K/child - sons and daughters get the same amount.

I remember watching "Father of the Bride" and cringing. 😉

The last wedding I attended was so much fun! The bride/groom and their parents were not wealthy by any means yet they managed to pull together, with the help of family and friends, a lovely reception (private wedding). The funnest thing, imo, was the dessert bar! They had ice-cream and all kinds of toppings - it was a huge hit.

Edited June 13, 2022 by BakersDozen

[DawnM]

On 6/11/2022 at 6:53 AM, TexasProud said:

I really didn't want to mess up the other threads. The wedding pics were awesome. And obviously, you should do whatever you and the bride think is appropriate.  And who knows if my children will ever get married. But one thing I have noticed is both on the threads here and in our family and friends: a venue is a must and dinner is a must.  Now obviously, if you are not religious, then I get you do not want it at a church.

But we have budgeted 10,000 for each child's wedding. To me, that feels like plenty for a wedding in our church, flowers, photographer and a cake reception in the fellowship hall.  I mean, it is only a day. We will tell each child they have the 10,000 to spend as they wish for the wedding or honeymoon/rehearsal dinner for boys. If they want to elope and use it for a down payment on a house. Great. 

On the other hand, lol, we are the wealthiest of our family/friends (well ok, not his partners...well...maybe, as we have probably saved more) and so will we look cheap? But then again, people who know us know we live frugally, keeping cars for 15 years or more, buying a reasonable house and staying there for 24 years so far. ( Kids still tease us that my husband's PA's house is nicer than ours. Though my daughter recently said, " You know I get it. You thought saving for our college and giving to those in need was a bigger priority than a house." Yep. (And our house is nice. We have land and plenty of room.) 

Again, please, please, please do not take it as judging you for having the types of weddings you guys have talked about in the other threads. They look absolutely wonderful!!!

But are we completely out of line? Again, though most of you probably know, we have three kids: 27, 25 and 20.

  

We have suggested they have a small/intimate backyard wedding or something similar and save the real money for a downpayment on a house or something that will give them a good start in their marriage.

Now, I have no idea who they will marry and what their brides will think of that, that remains to be seen, but I don't see spending tons of money on a wedding.   

Edited June 13, 2022 by DawnM

[TechWife]

On 6/11/2022 at 9:07 AM, TexasProud said:

… I guess I thought dinners were only for rich people. LOL. …

 

When we married back in 1993, we had a mid-afternoon wedding & reception with heavy appetizers & cake. We chose the time purposefully so we wouldn’t have to have a meal. But, by the time it was all said & done - it would have been less per person to have a dinner than to have what we did. Dinners were by the plate charges and our style of reception was by the menu item and per person - so each item was $X per person. By the time we had a couple of savory items, some fruit & some veggie dishes (I remember spinach dip, for example) - it was more than a dinner would be. We figured that out too far into planning to change the time of the wedding, though, so we just had to go with it. My dh and I footed the entire bill for our wedding. Neither one of us grew up in families where parents would have been able to help financially. All of the kids that married from both families had modest weddings, mostly paid for by the kids. My in laws bought my sil’s dress at JC Penney (that was in the early 70’s) and my parents bought some deli meat and stuff like that for my sisters reception at our house (mid 70’s). My brother got married at his brides’ fathers house which was also where the reception was - I don’t think there was anything other than cake. Both of my BIL had simple weddings but I don’t know details other than one was right before BIL shipped out with the navy and was fairly short notice. 

[ktgrok]

8 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

I'm so glad you posted this. We have a dollar amount of around 2K/child - sons and daughters get the same amount.

I remember watching "Father of the Bride" and cringing. 😉

The last wedding I attended was so much fun! The bride/groom and their parents were not wealthy by any means yet they managed to pull together, with the help of family and friends, a lovely reception (private wedding). The funnest thing, imo, was the dessert bar! They had ice-cream and all kinds of toppings - it was a huge hit.

I have ideas for imaginary weddings, like other ways I'd have loved to do things and one of them is an evening wedding followed by champagne and a dessert bar. (and coffee/non alcoholic, etc etc )

My other dream wedding - what I originally wanted when I was engaged to my ex, before deciding to break up only to have a surprise pregnancy lead to a rushed marriage - was a Christmas wedding, sometime after thanksgiving but before Christmas, with the decorations being Christmas trees with white lights in them, and lots of christmas cookies to eat. (a more mature me realizes that's a horrid time of year to expect people to show up to a wedding, they are already very busy then)

[Starr]

5 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

was a Christmas wedding, sometime after thanksgiving but before Christmas, with the decorations being Christmas trees with white lights in them, and lots of christmas cookies to eat. (a more mature me realizes that's a horrid time of year to expect people to show up to a wedding, they are already very busy then)

I have a relative that had an early December wedding. The hotel where the reception was held had beautiful decorations and even the tables came with winter greens and baubles. It was beautiful and well attended. 

[lmrich]

Our wealthiest friends (and really, really rich) who could easily have afforded a $75,000 wedding for their daughter, had a simple church wedding and reception in the fellowship hall. It was what their dd wanted. She likes simple. She got exactly what she wanted. 

The bride  and groom can  and should be in charge of their special day and money  is just one (very important) part of the equation. 

[HS Mom in NC]

13 hours ago, Quill said:

Tangent: are you still in touch? She was great. Really hit that sweet spot between being a positive disciplinarian yet also no-nonsense. I really liked that about her. Learned some of my best child management ideas from her counsel. 

We're still FB friends.  She's going to be a grandmother in December. She's a psychotherapist, speaker, writer, and substance use disorder treatment specialist.

[Harriet Vane]

25 minutes ago, HS Mom in NC said:

We're still FB friends.  She's going to be a grandmother in December. She's a psychotherapist, speaker, writer, and substance use disorder treatment specialist.

Thanks for the update. Joanne was one of my favorites, ever. I miss her here, too.