s/o the wedding scrooge

[TexasProud]

I really didn't want to mess up the other threads. The wedding pics were awesome. And obviously, you should do whatever you and the bride think is appropriate.  And who knows if my children will ever get married. But one thing I have noticed is both on the threads here and in our family and friends: a venue is a must and dinner is a must.  Now obviously, if you are not religious, then I get you do not want it at a church.

But we have budgeted 10,000 for each child's wedding. To me, that feels like plenty for a wedding in our church, flowers, photographer and a cake reception in the fellowship hall.  I mean, it is only a day. We will tell each child they have the 10,000 to spend as they wish for the wedding or honeymoon/rehearsal dinner for boys. If they want to elope and use it for a down payment on a house. Great. 

On the other hand, lol, we are the wealthiest of our family/friends (well ok, not his partners...well...maybe, as we have probably saved more) and so will we look cheap? But then again, people who know us know we live frugally, keeping cars for 15 years or more, buying a reasonable house and staying there for 24 years so far. ( Kids still tease us that my husband's PA's house is nicer than ours. Though my daughter recently said, " You know I get it. You thought saving for our college and giving to those in need was a bigger priority than a house." Yep. (And our house is nice. We have land and plenty of room.) 

Again, please, please, please do not take it as judging you for having the types of weddings you guys have talked about in the other threads. They look absolutely wonderful!!!

But are we completely out of line? Again, though most of you probably know, we have three kids: 27, 25 and 20.

[Ann.without.an.e]

No, you are not out of line. It is perfectly reasonable to say the budget is “….” and you’re welcome to spend more but this is what we will cover of it. Many families do that. As long as you’re up front with your DD’s and let them make the decision to spend more if they wish and are willing to pay, I don’t see any problem with it. I also feel like this is possibly pointed at me when one of my girls was in your budget and one wasn’t far out of it so that’s a little confusing.  

I probably would’ve written a similar post a few years ago. One of the reasons we were able to pay for nice weddings is that we had zero college expenses for either of these girls. I don’t think we could’ve if we had footed a significant college bill. Older dd had a full ride to Duke where she ended up making enough from her generous stipends that she was able to put a down payment on a house. Younger dd didn’t need college for her career path. 

I’ll be honest here too, we were very tight financially when my kids were young. We had to pinch pennies and it was hard. They watched a lot of their friends do really nice things, have really nice parties, go on wonderful trips, but they never complained. They didn’t go into the wedding planning  process assuming that they would have much of a wedding. Growing up that way, they didn’t ask for much or assume much. We had the means now to do a reasonably nice wedding and we wanted to do that for them. They’ve never been to Disney or anywhere big, they never had big birthday parties. For us, this was the time to really celebrate them because - for once - we had some breathing room and could. 

As far as a church, a church wedding is great. We attend a church that rents a ymca so we didn’t have that readily accessible connection like others do. 
 

Edited to add: a lot of kids pitch in to help with weddings these days. Since most get married older and are more financially established, a lot of parents have a set amount they’ll contribute. My girls just happened to get married younger (22 and 19) and weren’t in the position of having a lot of extra to help with yet. Older dd offered to use her savings for it but I knew she had planned that for a down payment on a house and I wanted them in a decent home. They were able to buy a house with that money so it’s worth it 😊

Edited June 11, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

It depends on where you live too. Cake and punch receptions in the church basement where I live will get you a raised eyebrow and some complaining, but in another part of the country are probably the norm.

I do think it’s wise to let your guests know if you aren’t providing a full meal, though.  We went to a wedding where they just had snacks and dessert(and certain guests were invited to a full reception afterward). I wasn’t aware of this and didn’t feed my kids properly before going.  Had I known, I would have made different plans. 
So many churches here are new buildings and just not pretty. Very functional but plain.  One of my sisters was married in a very plain but new build church and she later said with what they spent in flowers and decor to make the sanctuary look pretty she could have rented a venue.  But another sister was married in a two hundred year old stone church that was so lovely it didn’t need a single added thing. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

6 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

It depends on where you live too. Cake and punch receptions in the church basement where I live will get you a raised eyebrow and some complaining, but in another part of the country are probably the norm.

I do think it’s wise to let your guests know if you aren’t providing a full meal, though.  We went to a wedding where they just had snacks and dessert(and certain guests were invited to a full reception afterward). I wasn’t aware of this and didn’t feed my kids properly before going.  Had I known, I would have made different plans. 
So many churches here are new buildings and just not pretty. Very functional but plain.  One of my sisters was married in a very plain but new build church and she later said with what they spent in flowers and decor to make the sanctuary look pretty she could have rented a venue.  But another sister was married in a two hundred year old stone church that was so lovely it didn’t need a single added thing. 

My friend whose dd got married in a church ended up making up the difference in flowers and decor as well. Most venues are so pretty so you need less added stuff. Also they have everything you need. With dd who got married at home there were so many things we had to buy that a venue provides like mirrors to get ready and tables and chairs, etc. 

[Carrie12345]

The people who know you know you.
Also, if your kids happen to want more (because that’s who it’s ultimately about), then who’s stopping them from paying for more?

I do think it’s good for invitations to make what to expect very clear.

I don’t personally value fancy weddings, and that’s fine. I’d much rather help my kids with houses, and that’s fine. I’ve enjoyed being a guest at fancy weddings (well, not the dressing up part, but the rest, lol) and that’s fine. I’m glad there are so many different types of people in the world, or it would get real boring.

 

[catz]

I think every family has their own limits and priorities.  My parents gave us a flat fee to help throw a wedding, they were only tangentially involved with planning.  My dad had bypass surgery the year I got married I wanted to keep it low stress for them.  My mom knew a florist so she was involved with the flowers.  Their contribution paid for about half the food/venue.  We paid for our own rehearsal dinner, honeymoon, clothes and the rest of the wedding.  Anyway. doing that direclty mostly with DH was a good exercise in working together and budgeting.   I was 29 and DH was 30+ when we married.

No one is under any obligation to throw their kids a big wedding in this day and age IMO.  Grooms families can also pitch in if they hope the couple has a bigger event.  I consider education much more important personally.  My oldest kid got a great merit scholarship but we are still paying a lot of money.  And if he wants to go to grad school, that will likely need to be at least partially funded but we would like to be able to help possibly with things like living expenses.  My younger kid is interested in a path that may lead to grad school as well.  She is applying to colleges this coming year.

We don't have anything in mind, I have a 21 year old and a rising high school senior.   We'll see if they ever get married and where we are at financially/career wise.  I suspect we will choose to do something similar with giving them a budget and to let us know if they want help.  I generally don't worry about what other people think of our choices.  We never would have started homeschooling if I did.  😂  I mean, we are upper middle class.  We certain can help.  But again, nice to be in a position to maybe gift part of a house down payment (my parents actually did do this), start college funds for possible grandkids (also my parents did this, it's not much but still it helps), and most Americans don't have nearly as much in place for retirement.  We had kids older, my husband is 60 now.  

ETA - I think as long as your invitations are clear, a very basic event is fine.  I personally wouldn't worry aobut raised eyebrows. Just don't do it over a meal time and maybe don't have a huge event with lots traveling.  People getting married are at least in theory adults.  They can contribute more funds if they want a fancier event.

Edited June 11, 2022 by catz

[Ann.without.an.e]

1 minute ago, Carrie12345 said:

The people who know you know you.
Also, if your kids happen to want more (because that’s who it’s ultimately about), then who’s stopping them from paying for more?

I do think it’s good for invitations to make what to expect very clear.

I don’t personally value fancy weddings, and that’s fine. I’d much rather help my kids with houses, and that’s fine. I’ve enjoyed being a guest at fancy weddings (well, not the dressing up part, but the rest, lol) and that’s fine. I’m glad there are so many different types of people in the world, or it would get real boring.

 

We didn’t have fancy weddings lol. Very casual really. Weddings simply cost a lot of money. I wore a casual dress and sandals and the groom was in Birkenstocks. DD’s simple at home wedding was praised for its simplicity and laid back feel. It still ran about 10k and we didn’t even have a DJ or anyone to do make up or hair and we had no alcohol. Weddings just cost a lot. Not everyone has to do it that way, you can absolutely have punch at a church. In the end the couple is just as married 😂. But having to spend more doesn’t mean you went fancy either 😬

[Bambam]

I've strongly suggested to my kids if they want to get married, eloping is a good option. Or just do the justice of the peace and invite a few to watch if you want. And honestly, I'm not sure we would pay for a wedding. We could, but we also have retirement looming very near. 

But I'm not big about ceremonies, etc. Everything is expensive. And it is just one day. Make your memories on something less stressful.  Everyone is different. 

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

. I also feel like this is possibly pointed at me when one of my girls was in your budget and one wasn’t far out of it so that’s a little confusing.  

I probably would’ve written a similar post a few years ago. One of the reasons we were able to pay for nice weddings is that we had zero college expenses for either of these girls. 

Edited to add: a lot of kids pitch in to help with weddings these days.

See I didn't want you to feel like this was pointed at you. It just made me think. One of our nephews got married at an absolutely gorgeous venue, had a dinner for maybe 200 with dancing. The other nephew got married in a beautiful church and then the reception was at a hotel with I'm guessing 300 or more people with a full dinner and full bar.  More down to earth good friends of ours had a wedding for their son and the reception was catered in our fellowship hall. They tend to be more like us, and it just surprised me that they had a dinner. I guess I thought dinners were only for rich people. LOL. 

Just because you CAN pay for a nice wedding, does that mean it is  a SHOULD? Again,  PLEASE, I am not judging. Just philosophical wondering.  Because we can easily afford a 50,000 dollar wedding if we wanted to. 

Yes, and the boys are both so old that I would expect if they ever do get married, they will probably pay for some of it.

[teachermom2834]

To each their own...their are all kinds of ways to do things...people get to choose how to spend their money...you never really know what someone's finances are...etc, etc, etc 🙂 

It seems there is a wide range of what people are doing for weddings and what is deemed "acceptable" these days. I like that and hope that people can cut couples and families some slack and try not to judge. Things are expensive. The internet seems to make everything more public and open to scrutiny. My wish is that couples and immediate families can be sensitive and respectful to family and friends invited and uninvited and guests and those that don't make the cut can be gracious and wish the couple well. Things just seem so dang hard and expensive nowadays I wish all the young folks luck starting out however they choose to do it. 

Some families plan and dream of this day for their kids for decades. Not my cuppa but I know I've invested money in things other people don't understand (hello private high school tuition bills I have coming up). 

The older I get the less opinionated I guess. Best wishes to all the young couples and their parents helping them plan weddings and launch. Have whatever kind of wedding you want and are comfortable with and don't worry about the judgy pants people. 

Edited June 11, 2022 by teachermom2834

[Catwoman]

Speaking as someone whose family spends $100k+ on weddings, I can honestly say that what you’re doing is absolutely fine. You need to do what works for your own family, and if anyone has a problem with that, well… that’s what it is — their problem, not yours.

And really, I don’t think you need to even begin to worry about this right now, because your kids aren’t even thinking about marriage yet. Your mindset may be completely different by then, or you may feel exactly the same — and it’s ok either way. Knowing how much you love your children, I think a lot will depend on what your kids want. 

Personally, neither my DH nor I wanted a big, excessive wedding, so we chose to elope. We were both older and we had both been married before, so the whole idea seemed kind of ridiculous to us. But I know a lot of people love big, fancy weddings and I can understand that perspective, too. It’s supposed to be a special day and I want people to have that day the way they want it. (OK, I can’t understand people who go into debt to pay for a very expensive wedding, because I think there are so many other things that are more important to spend money on, but again, that’s just my opinion, and it’s none of my business.)

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

 

I do think it’s wise to let your guests know if you aren’t providing a full meal, though.  We went to a wedding where they just had snacks and dessert(and certain guests were invited to a full reception afterward). I wasn’t aware of this and didn’t feed my kids properly before going.  Had I known, I would have made different plans. 
 

Well, in my day, weddings were always at 2pm with reception immediately followed in the fellowship hall. I would think that would signal no main meal.  ( Our fellowship hall is used by tons of organizations around town. It is large and very pretty.)

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, teachermom2834 said:

 

Some families plan and dream of this day for their kids for decades. 

 

Yeah, the first time I thought about what my wedding would be like was after my husband asked me. And then we planned it all together. He was the big organizer. I really didn't care too much.

[TexasProud]

3 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

And really, I don’t think you need to even begin to worry about this right now, because your kids aren’t even thinking about marriage yet. Your mindset may be completely different by then, or you may feel exactly the same — and it’s ok either way. Knowing how much you love your children, I think a lot will depend on what your kids want. 

 

Oh, I am not worrying about this in the least. Just all of the threads here have me thinking about it. More philosophically.  Because, like I told my daughter, it is HER day.  I got my wedding. It was perfect. It was exactly what I wanted and I look back on it with very fond memories. The only thing my mom helped me with was my dress. But even if she wants a friend to go pick it out, that is so fine with me. It is HER day.   

This is more philosophical. It will probably be 5 or more years if ever that there is a wedding for our family. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

18 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

See I didn't want you to feel like this was pointed at you. It just made me think. One of our nephews got married at an absolutely gorgeous venue, had a dinner for maybe 200 with dancing. The other nephew got married in a beautiful church and then the reception was at a hotel with I'm guessing 300 or more people with a full dinner and full bar.  More down to earth good friends of ours had a wedding for their son and the reception was catered in our fellowship hall. They tend to be more like us, and it just surprised me that they had a dinner. I guess I thought dinners were only for rich people. LOL. 

Just because you CAN pay for a nice wedding, does that mean it is  a SHOULD? Again,  PLEASE, I am not judging. Just philosophical wondering.  Because we can easily afford a 50,000 dollar wedding if we wanted to. 

Yes, and the boys are both so old that I would expect if they ever do get married, they will probably pay for some of it.

No one expects the grooms parents to pay anything except the rehearsal dinner. If the groom is older and wants to pay then that’s ok but not one expects the grooms family to pay very much. So having boys puts you a little off the hooK anyway lol.

When I was younger receptions were afternoon and were snacks and pick ups but that isn’t heard of anymore. It seems people either offer dinner or elope. Idk why the shift? 

[Danae]

6 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

When I was younger receptions were afternoon and were snacks and pick ups but that isn’t heard of anymore. It seems people either offer dinner or elope. Idk why the shift? 

I suspect it’s because with couples marrying later and people not staying in the area they grew up in a higher percentage of wedding guests are from out of town.  When everyone can hop over to the church for a few hours in the afternoon and go home for dinner a cake and punch reception makes sense.  When people have traveled hundreds of miles at your request it’s nice to feed them if you can, rather than sending them back to their hotel to figure it out themselves.

[catz]

16 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

No one expects the grooms parents to pay anything except the rehearsal dinner. If the groom is older and wants to pay then that’s ok but not one expects the grooms family to pay very much. So having boys puts you a little off the hooK anyway lol.

 

I've seen a real mix of things here lately where groom's family may be the primary hosts if they have the budget and desire.  I feel like all bets are off these days.  As someone that married older and was working professionally for many years before marriage and owned my own home as a single woman, I also know plenty of couples who paid for their own weddings.

20+ years ago my parents gave the same amount to both my and my brother.

I do feel like what I am seeing locally is generally more toned down and smaller since covid though and I wonder if that has turned things a bit?

Edited June 11, 2022 by catz

[Harriet Vane]

28 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

No one expects the grooms parents to pay anything except the rehearsal dinner. If the groom is older and wants to pay then that’s ok but not one expects the grooms family to pay very much. So having boys puts you a little off the hooK anyway lol.

When I was younger receptions were afternoon and were snacks and pick ups but that isn’t heard of anymore. It seems people either offer dinner or elope. Idk why the shift? 

I don't think this is true across the board anymore about the groom. In my kids' cohort, it's the norm for both parents to contribute. That's the way it played out for dd's wedding--we privately told dd the amount we would contribute and dsil's parents privately told dsil what they would contribute. Then dd and dsil made their own choices for what to do with that money. We've seen the same scenario in other multiple other families as well. 

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

Speaking as someone whose family spends $100k+ on weddings,

Wow, this is mind-boggling to me!  

Two of my sons are in (verrrry) long-term relationships and I'm a bit nervous about what will happen with weddings and expenses (especially one ds because his gf has family both here and in Egypt, where she grew up and her parents live most of the year).  And then there's dd eventually.  These thrads are always very eye-opening for me because I'm completely ignorant about wedding expenses and who is responsible.  

[Ann.without.an.e]

19 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

I don't think this is true across the board anymore about the groom. In my kids' cohort, it's the norm for both parents to contribute. That's the way it played out for dd's wedding--we privately told dd the amount we would contribute and dsil's parents privately told dsil what they would contribute. Then dd and dsil made their own choices for what to do with that money. We've seen the same scenario in other multiple other families as well. 

I guess that makes sense, it just wasn’t our experience. We paid for everything. Older DD’s MIL offered to help but dd turned it down. Tbh older dd really wanted to elope or have a super small wedding like younger dd but her husband and his family wanted a bigger wedding. Her MIL wanted an over-the-top fancy wedding and dd wanted simple. She knew that she would lose all control to keep it simple if they were allowed to help pay. Her MIL had a lot of opinions lol. They are all about image (we aren’t) and invited a ton of out of town family who they really wanted to impress. DD’s MIL and the grooms sisters did book their own professional hair and make up appointments that morning. She was appalled that we were keeping it so simple, not having alcohol, not using  tablecloths, and had a local bbq restaurant cater. She really hated that we did bbq 😂. 
 

Younger DD’s family never offered and wouldn’t have the means to help and that’s ok 😊

Edited June 11, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[Tenaj]

36 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

No one expects the grooms parents to pay anything except the rehearsal dinner. If the groom is older and wants to pay then that’s ok but not one expects the grooms family to pay very much. So having boys puts you a little off the hooK anyway lol.

We have a lot of boys  - LOL!  When our oldest son was married, we still had a house full of younger kids and really no money to spare.  We did the rehearsal dinner and never really offered more.  We did end up buying seven suits (which is no small amount of money) for all our guys, a flower girl dress and shoes and helped out with manpower through the whole weekend and the lead up.

Our next son is getting married in November.  We will do the rehearsal dinner and outfit everyone again.  But, can I brag for a moment?  My son told me he has specifically been saving money for his wedding even before he had an inkling of the current relationship (or any relationship).  He wanted his wife-to-be to have the wedding she had always dreamed of so he started saving during college.  And he is paying for the whole thing .. . well, we'll do the rehearsal dinner, a grandmother bought the dress and the parents of the bride are doing some of the small stuff but that's what they have worked out and it just makes me smile every time  I think about it.  They are having it at a venue and having a full meal so they are doing it up bigger than I would think was necessary but I just think it's really cool that he thought ahead.

36 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

[teachermom2834]

3 hours ago, Harriet Vane said:

I don't think this is true across the board anymore about the groom. In my kids' cohort, it's the norm for both parents to contribute. That's the way it played out for dd's wedding--we privately told dd the amount we would contribute and dsil's parents privately told dsil what they would contribute. Then dd and dsil made their own choices for what to do with that money. We've seen the same scenario in other multiple other families as well. 

My oldest three are boys and this is how we plan to handle it. We definitely expect to contribute something but we aren't going to be able to just pick up the tab for whatever rehearsal dinner is desired if it is extravagant. We can't just be a blank check but we absolutely want to contribute and not make the bride's family feel they are fully responsible. That just doesn't make sense.

My oldest is in a high paying job and likely will meet someone in his career so by comparison what his parents can do will likely be a small factor. My second son is in a very serious relationship with someone who doesn't come from alot of money so I can see us picking up most of the tab for something very small- like immediate family on the beach and dinner and photos. Youngest son is too young to really be considering it but has been in a relationship for three years and if that holds up again likely we would be picking up most of the tab and again it would be very simple. She just comes from nothing financially but we would want to help them have something.

Family and personal situations don't fit neatly into the traditional expectations and they don't need to. I want to start out family life with my daughters-in-law in a positive way and that will include some contribution from dh and I and no expectation that their family covers everything. When dh and I got married my MIL used to say sing songy "you have to pay for everything...all I have to do is the rehearsal dinner...nah nah". Good grief. Not that anyone with any manners would do that, but I think that tradition can fall away and I'm a mom of boys on a budget. 

Edited June 11, 2022 by teachermom2834

[Lecka]

You are allowed to do what you choose and aligns with your values.

It doesn’t sound like your kids are going to be surprised.  
 

I think it’s fine.  
 

Many people do these things because they actively want to do them.  Other people don’t, you probably don’t hear as much about their weddings, though.  

[TexasProud]

33 minutes ago, catz said:

I've seen a real mix of things here lately where groom's family may be the primary hosts if they have the budget and desire.  I feel like all bets are off these days.  As someone that married older and was working professionally for many years before marriage and owned my own home as a single woman, I also know plenty of couples who paid for their own weddings.

Yeah, our friends paid for everything. The kids were 19/20 and her parents didn't want to pay/sort of didn't completely approve.

[Ann.without.an.e]

2 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

My oldest three are boys and this is how we plan to handle it. We definitely expect to contribute something but we aren't going to be able to just pick up the tab for whatever rehearsal dinner is desired if it is extravagant. We can't just be a blank check but we absolutely want to contribute and not make the bride's family feel they are fully responsible. That just doesn't make sense.

 

In our experience the grooms family chooses whatever they want (with the couples input) for a rehearsal dinner. Typically it is the Eve of  the wedding. Older DD’s in laws went all out with a fancy restaurant and open alcohol tab. Younger DD’s had a simple local chipotle style restaurant cater at our home so we could practice here.  

[TexasProud]

40 minutes ago, Danae said:

I suspect it’s because with couples marrying later and people not staying in the area they grew up in a higher percentage of wedding guests are from out of town.  When everyone can hop over to the church for a few hours in the afternoon and go home for dinner a cake and punch reception makes sense.  When people have traveled hundreds of miles at your request it’s nice to feed them if you can, rather than sending them back to their hotel to figure it out themselves.

Well, I got married in 1990 and my family was from Ohio, California and  a town in Texas 5 hours away from where we got married. We got married in my dh's church, but his family had moved to Houston and then his extended family were from East Texas.  Now, our guest list was 200 and most other than our family were from his church.  I think it is more of a change of expectation/tradition. I had no qualms expecting relatives and college friends to fend for themselves. 

[Harriet Vane]

I think it's fine to give a certain amount and no more. I also think it's fine for the happy couple to find a way to contribute financially, though naturally there are variances based on age, income, etc.

I want to state, though, that weddings are simply expensive no matter how frugal you are. My dd's wedding is a good example, but we have seen this exact scenario play out with others.

Guests for the wedding were coming from a zillion states. Our family and long-time family friends are mostly from Chicago, but dh and I live in a different state. Dd went to school in a third state, and that is where most of her and dsil's friends reside. Dsil's parents and a large portion of his family come from a fourth state further away, and dsil's extended family have settled around the country. So many people drove 2-4 hours to the wedding, and many people flew in. That would have been the case no matter where they held the wedding because of this amount of spread across the country. So offering a meal is the very least we can do when people have traveled, right?

Dd chose a lower-priced but still beautiful barn venue that was significantly cheaper than equivalents in Chicago or other spots we looked. She ordered flowers from a wholesaler, which the bridal party and moms put together the day before. The cost was less than half of what we would have spent for a very minimal package from a florist. Friends provided music for free. Dd and dsil printed the invitations themselves. Dh and I made cookies for a cookie bar (no cake). And on and on--they really did do quite a lot to be thrifty and economical, but the reality is that it costs money to feed 100 people even a simple meal. 

My point is that on this board I have seen folks casually say, "They had a $30,000 wedding" as though that is a luxurious over-the-top wedding. But it really may not have been. Venues and food cost money.

[teachermom2834]

11 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

In our experience the grooms family chooses whatever they want (with the couples input) for a rehearsal dinner. Typically it is the Eve of  the wedding. Older DD’s in laws went all out with a fancy restaurant and open alcohol tab. Younger DD’s had a simple local chipotle style restaurant cater at our home so we could practice here.  

I know the groom's family should be able to choose what they want for the rehearsal dinner but I guess I am just worried that if one of my sons marries someone with really fancy expectations there would be pressure to match that with a rehearsal dinner and that might get hard. For all of the brides out there that are doing things simple and casual (which I love) there are those who really have high expectations and need everything to meet their pinterest dreams. That's why I am thinking we will just have to have a dollar amount contribution in mind and not just say "we will cover rehearsal dinner". 

But I really want to be a gracious MIL and easy going and supportive and not judgy at all about whatever my future daughters-in-law and families choose. So I am really will do whatever they want as far as we can afford to I am sure. I'm not that picky myself about "how things are done". But there are financial realities of course. 

Edited June 11, 2022 by teachermom2834

[City Mouse]

My parents did something similar. In fact my dad offered money to go to Las Vegas. My DH’s mother did not have much money to offer, and I know now that she shouldn’t have contributed as much as she did. My now DH and I paid for most of the wedding stuff ourselves. I would make different choices now, but it was a relatively simple wedding even 30 yrs ago. 

I’m of the mind that part of being an adult is paying your own way including wedding expenses, so I think your plan is more than acceptable. 

Where I live now, simple weddings are normal -church ceremony or even courthouse with backyard or church hall buffet receptions.  My own kids have no thoughts of weddings at this time, but I have talked to my DD in generalities. We have very little family or friend who would travel to attend a wedding (where we live is  somewhat difficult to travel to), so a small informal wedding would make more sense to me. 
 

We are a family of Disney fans, so a destination wedding at Disney World would be both kids preference. With a very, very small guest list (like 6) a wedding at DW is not outrageous. Of course, the fairytale Cinderella wedding will be way out of our range. 

Edited June 11, 2022 by City Mouse

[Bootsie]

I grew up in an area where there were two kinds of weddings:  one at the church with a punch/cake reception in the fellowship hall afterwards and the other at a church with a reception at a hall or home that had dancing (an inexpensive DJ setup) and alcohol and food provided by family/friends.  There was no fancy hotel or other venues and very little catering options.  I have only attended one wedding with sit-down table service dinner and that was when I was in my 30s.  

DH and I are not sure how we will approach this with our children, if they choose to marry.  We can easily see one child being in a situation of having lots of local friends and relatives of both the bride and groom attending a celebration.  The other child is likely to be in a situation of having a much smaller number of people, and any family from our side of the family who wants to attend will incur significant travel expenses (not because of a destination wedding but because of the location of a potential spouse).  We are not in favor of extravagant wedding expenses and paying for things for a bride to have "whatever she wants on her special day".   We are supportive, however, of having a real celebration of marriage, for religious reasons.  What will be celebratory to our two children will probably look very different.  

[HS Mom in NC]

7 hours ago, TexasProud said:

But are we completely out of line?

Not at all! It's what we did.  But then, who cares what people think? I've met people... I'm not overly impressed with most of them just like they're not overly impressed with me.  Shrug. Group think often goes badly.  By middle school we should be intensively training our children out of group think and the "lap dog" mentality where they need outside approval.  They need to weigh each matter and decide based on the merits, regardless of whether people agree or disagree with them.

We let each of our 3 girls know we set aside a certain amount for when they get (got) married. (That number will likely be a little higher for youngest due to inflation, who is 7 and 9 years younger than the older two, if we can still afford it.)  They could/can do with it as they wish-a wedding, a down payment, investing it in an index fund, whatever.  They could add to it on their own or in-laws could contribute, but that's what we have budgeted, that that's all there will be from us-enjoy!  It worked out well with the older two when they got married 3 and 4 years ago,  and that's what it will be for youngest too.

I also made it clear they could have whatever kind of wedding they could afford, I would participate in whatever aspects of it they wanted me to, and I have never felt entitled to any particular part of it.  I also told them no one was entitled to an invitation to their union, so it was entirely up to them about who they invited.  Whatever they want to do to celebrate their union is 100% their choice because again, it's just a day and it's their day, not mine or anyone else's. I don't care much one way or the other about weddings-I care about marriage. And no, they don't have to invite our toxic relatives who ruin things if they don't want to.

Edited June 11, 2022 by HS Mom in NC

[ScoutTN]

2 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

No one expects the grooms parents to pay anything except the rehearsal dinner. If the groom is older and wants to pay then that’s ok but not one expects the grooms family to pay very much. So having boys puts you a little off the hooK anyway lol.

When I was younger receptions were afternoon and were snacks and pick ups but that isn’t heard of anymore. It seems people either offer dinner or elope. Idk why the shift? 

Interesting! I wonder how this varies by region and general social circles? Only five or six weddings I’ve ever been to served a sit down meal. I have been to four weddings in the last year. Couples ranging in age from early 20’s to late 30’s.  Only one served a meal. It was a very small wedding, maybe 50 guests, most of whom were Dh’s extended family. Bride and groom are both docs with no debt. Early afternoon with heavy appetizers is extremely common here. More than cake and nuts, but less than a seated/plated meal. 
 

 

[Lawyer&Mom]

My dad’s WASP family was quite wealthy.  Their wedding tradition was simple ceremonies in the family living room with a small handful of guests, followed by a home cooked meal.  A wedding cost the same as a regular Thanksgiving.
 
My mom’s Catholic family was not at all wealthy.  Their wedding tradition was big weddings with all 28 cousins, a buffet and dancing.  Big didn’t necessarily mean fancy, I fondly remember a rehearsal dinner that was the Friday Fish Fry at the local bowling alley, but weddings were large extended family events that were a significant expense.

Your idea of an appropriate amount to spend on a wedding doesn’t really say anything about your financial situation, but it says  a lot about your family culture.  It’s totally okay that your family culture doesn’t include big “event” weddings.  Some families do, some don’t. 

[ScoutTN]

3 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Well, in my day, weddings were always at 2pm with reception immediately followed in the fellowship hall. I would think that would signal no main meal.  ( Our fellowship hall is used by tons of organizations around town. It is large and very pretty.)

Yes, our church is a neo-gothic cathedral style building and our Fellowship Hall is pretty with a lovely pergola and yard. Also a commercial kitchen. We have been to many truly lovely, but not expensive weddings and receptions there. 

The church does not permit alcoholic beverages served on the property, which is a deal breaker for some receptions.

[Bootsie]

I am curious about those who say that they have set aside $X for their children for a wedding or they will give them that amount for a downpayment on a house if they choose to elope.  At some point would you provide that same amount for a child who has not chosen to marry but who wants to purchase a house to use as a downpayment?  

[Ann.without.an.e]

8 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

I am curious about those who say that they have set aside $X for their children for a wedding or they will give them that amount for a downpayment on a house if they choose to elope.  At some point would you provide that same amount for a child who has not chosen to marry but who wants to purchase a house to use as a downpayment?  

I love this question. I’ve always been curious about this too 😊

[teachermom2834]

This is so interesting. I was raised in the north. My mom came from a rural Protestant family and my dad was from a urban Italian Catholic family. I now live in the southeast. 

I have been to all kinds of weddings from receptions in the country church hall or in a backyard to fancy restaurants with food and alcohol imported from Italy. But I have never been to a wedding without some kind of meal. Casual, fancy, open bar, no alcohol, paper plates, self serve buffet, full dinner service, whatever goes but always people were fed. So say whatever about the kind of people I know, I guess we like to eat or at least feel responsible for feeding people. 
 

Personally I would be honored to be included in someone’s special day and happy to celebrate them no matter what they provided, but I am super easy going. I can’t really see hosting any kind of event and not feeding people even if it was super casual. But clearly people have different experiences. It is definitely a family culture thing. 

Edited June 11, 2022 by teachermom2834

[Catwoman]

45 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

This is so interesting. I was raised in the north. My mom came from a rural Protestant family and my dad was from a urban Italian Catholic family. I now live in the southeast. 

I have been to all kinds of weddings from receptions in the country church hall or in a backyard to fancy restaurants with food and alcohol imported from Italy. But I have never been to a wedding without some kind of meal. Casual, fancy, open bar, no alcohol, paper plates, self serve buffet, full dinner service, whatever goes but always people were fed. So say whatever about the kind of people I know, I guess we like to eat or at least feel responsible for feeding people. 
 

Personally I would be honored to be included in someone’s special day and happy to celebrate them no matter what they provided, but I am super easy going. I can’t really see hosting any kind of event and not feeding people even if it was super casual. But clearly people have different experiences. It is definitely a family culture thing. 

I have never been to a wedding where there was no meal, and I have never been to a wedding without an open bar. Casual dress weddings aren't a thing among our family and friends, either.

But if I was invited to a casual wedding or a wedding where they only served cake and punch, I would be absolutely fine with that. The thing that bothers me is when people get judgmental about other people's weddings. If a couple is kind enough to invite me to their wedding, I'm going to attend and have fun, and I'm going to be kind enough to not judge them for their choices for one of the most important days of their lives. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I think one of the reasons that weddings are so varied now is that kids tend not to grow up attending them anymore.  When I was little, it was unheard of to invite parents without their children in the home, and so I went to a lot of weddings.  So when I got married I had a norm in my head already and I didn’t really question it very much.  Ceremony in church, receiving line, reception at a hall elsewhere, serve a meal, have dancing, all the reception ceremonies (garter, bouquet, first dance sequence, last dance good bye).  I was creative but within limits.  

Regarding the meal expectation, I think that depends on timing.  I assume that if the wedding and reception straddle either noon or around 6PM that a meal is included.  If not, then not necessarily.  

[katilac]

4 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Well, in my day, weddings were always at 2pm with reception immediately followed in the fellowship hall. I would think that would signal no main meal.  ( Our fellowship hall is used by tons of organizations around town. It is large and very pretty.)

I never assume that things will be like they were in my day, because my day is pretty far in the past, lol.

Those expectations might hold true today for your local circle, but it's certainly a kindness to let people know what to expect. People from even an hour away might have different expectations. And I'm guessing receptions must be pretty short? Because a 2 pm service puts the reception starting no sooner than 3, and 2 hours in would get you to 5 o'clock plus, which would make it meal time for quite a few people. 

I'm rusty on wedding invitations, but you have to specify the when and where of the reception anyway. Why not go ahead and say, please join us for a cake and punch reception at 3 o'clock in the church fellowship hall?

 

4 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

No one expects the grooms parents to pay anything except the rehearsal dinner. I 

That's not only not true across the board, I'd say it's not true the majority of the time. 

3 hours ago, Kassia said:

 These thrads are always very eye-opening for me because I'm completely ignorant about wedding expenses and who is responsible.  

If you live in mainstream America, you are responsible for letting the couple know what you are willing to do and contribute, so they can plan. 

3 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

I guess that makes sense, it just wasn’t our experience. We paid for everything. Older DD’s MIL offered to help but dd turned it down.  

But it was your experience. The groom's family offered help, your dd just didn't accept it. 

3 hours ago, teachermom2834 said:

I know the groom's family should be able to choose what they want for the rehearsal dinner but I guess I am just worried that if one of my sons marries someone with really fancy expectations there would be pressure to match that with a rehearsal dinner and that might get hard.  

Just tell them what you can do, and the rest is up to them. I can spend X amount on the rehearsal dinner, or, even better, I can give you X amount for the wedding, you can put this towards the rehearsal dinner or anything else you like. 

I had this situation in reverse. My in-laws are very traditional and they were going to pay for that rehearsal dinner bc that's what the groom's family does. The thing is, they had a lot of money and my family and I definitely did not, lol. They do the rehearsal dinner and they do it up big time, with a fancy restaurant and loads of flowers and so on. So this is on the Friday, and then on the Saturday we have the wedding, followed by a reception at the fire station, with DIY food and my uncles rotating as bartenders. The rehearsal dinner beat the reception by a mile for fanciness, and we're pretty sure it cost more than everything else combined. Our guests were extremely well fed at both, though, and his out of town cousins got a huge kick out of taking pictures by the fire trucks 🤣

It makes for an amusing story, but yes, it would have simplified things if they had offered so much help overall, rather than spending an equal amount on just the rehearsal dinner because Tradition. 

1 hour ago, ScoutTN said:

Yes, our church is a neo-gothic cathedral style building and our Fellowship Hall is pretty with a lovely pergola and yard. Also a commercial kitchen. We have been to many truly lovely, but not expensive weddings and receptions there. 

The church does not permit alcoholic beverages served on the property, which is a deal breaker for some receptions.

"not expensive" is so variable, though, and it's hard to know what people spent just based on 'fanciness' level. Obviously, you can guess that receptions at the Ritz cost a pretty penny, but a backyard wedding can cost a lot as well. 

One big thing is that a lot of people don't have a church with that kind of setup, and venue charges can be high. Even if the church rents to non-members, the cost is usually a lot higher than for church members - which is fine, just pointing out that lots of people don't have access to a low-cost venue. 

1 hour ago, Bootsie said:

I am curious about those who say that they have set aside $X for their children for a wedding or they will give them that amount for a downpayment on a house if they choose to elope.  At some point would you provide that same amount for a child who has not chosen to marry but who wants to purchase a house to use as a downpayment?  

Definitely. It's likely that one or both of my kids will buy a house before they get married (if they do), and we'll probably give them some money shortly after that, like within a year or two. We probably won't give it toward the down payment, as they will likely have enough and I want them to have the fun of doing that part on their own. If they needed it, though, I would have no issue with giving it to them then. 

 

Edited June 11, 2022 by katilac

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, Bootsie said:

I am curious about those who say that they have set aside $X for their children for a wedding or they will give them that amount for a downpayment on a house if they choose to elope.  At some point would you provide that same amount for a child who has not chosen to marry but who wants to purchase a house to use as a downpayment?  

In theory, absolutely.  In practice, I am not sure how that works.  I mean if you give them the money for the down payment, then you have pretty much said, ok, you are never going to get married.  Which may or may not be true.  We have really only had the conversation with our daughter. We haven't told her the amount, just that we will give her a set amount to spend.  Haven't talked about weddings with the boys at all since they haven't been dating. So, I don't know. I could see us giving the 10,000 for a down payment. 

It is funny, both of my husband and I's grandparents were similar.  My grandparents were both school teachers who were very, very frugal. My grandmother died when I was in 8th grade.  They had 4 grandchildren and my grandad/grandparents had a 10,000 cd for each of the grandchildren. ( Back in the 80's) that was supposed to be given to us when he died.  Like I said, they didn't come from money. Their parents immigrated from Sweden.  My grandpa didn't go to college until he was in his mid twenties because he didn't have a dad and was helping to provide  for his 7 brothers and sisters.  He played football, was a chemistry TA, worked at Oshmans and washed windows and any other odd jobs when he went to Southwestern.  My dad lost his job while I was in college and my parents divorced. They did not have savings for my college.  At that time Baylor wsa 7,000 a year and I paid for 4,000 of it in scholarships, so they only had to pay 3,000.  My granddad paid my last two years of college out of that CD, and he bought be a used car. 

My husband's grandparents also grew up dirt poor from farming families. They were also both school teachers. The grandmother borrowed 50 bucks and boarded a bus to go to college. That is all she had, but she somehow worked and paid for her schooling. They also set aside $10,000 for each of the five grandchildren. We used it to pay for the down payment on the house we are living in. 

Good question.  Honestly don't know.  Though, oldest lost his last semester at college. ( Long story) He took out the regular school loan when he went back, which paid for what, 7500 or something. He took out the other 30,000 from us. ( The last of the money from the 529 went to that last semester. They gave him a medical exemption which caused them not to count the grades, but we lost all the money that semester. ) He has paid back his federal loan and about 15,000 of our loan.  We may very well just say you are done when it gets down to 10,000. Honestly, the point was made and he is extremely responsible. 

Edited June 11, 2022 by TexasProud

[Carol in Cal.]

3 hours ago, Kassia said:

Wow, this is mind-boggling to me!  

Two of my sons are in (verrrry) long-term relationships and I'm a bit nervous about what will happen with weddings and expenses (especially one ds because his gf has family both here and in Egypt, where she grew up and her parents live most of the year).  And then there's dd eventually.  These thrads are always very eye-opening for me because I'm completely ignorant about wedding expenses and who is responsible.  

The two fanciest weddings I have ever been to were here in the States but hosted by the bride’s parents who were in one case Syrian and in the other case Egyptian.  The Syrian family’s wedding was in a very old Episcopal church, where the groom’s family attended, and the reception was in the Garden Court of the Sheraton Palace Hotel in SF, which had a $10K minimum even back in 1980, a staggering amount of money then.  There were over 300 guests in attendance for full dinner service, and it was both fancy and festive with dancing into the night.  

The Egyptian family decided to economize by having the reception at the Orthodox Church where the wedding was held, again with over 300 guests, and so the family paid to finish and decorate the church basement with fresh paint, crystal chandeliers, and wall to wall carpet, all of which could be written off as donations to the church.  I was the only non-Egyptian member of that wedding party, and it was fascinating.  The service was 1 hour and 15 minutes long, and all in Coptic except the sermon, which was in Arabic, and we had to stand the whole time, smiling for the video, and holding a big lit candle and either a feather fan or a bouquet of flowers.  

All this to say, there was clearly a BIG set of Big Wedding expectations in these middle Eastern Christian families.  

[Kassia]

4 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

 

All this to say, there was clearly a BIG set of Big Wedding expectations in these middle Eastern Christian families.  

Thank you.  All of what you wrote is exactly what I'm worried about!  Eek...  She's the baby of the family and may be the first to get married. 

[Frances]

4 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

No one expects the grooms parents to pay anything except the rehearsal dinner. If the groom is older and wants to pay then that’s ok but not one expects the grooms family to pay very much. So having boys puts you a little off the hooK anyway lol.

I’m not so sure this is the norm anymore. Anyway, my son’s wedding has two grooms, so there is no bride’s family to pay for the bulk of the wedding. 😉But at least among their friends and our friends it seems more the norm for the couple and both sets of parents to all contribute something toward the wedding. They never asked us or his parents to help with $, but we both volunteered to pay for specific things. And I don’t think there is always a rehearsal dinner anymore. They aren’t having one and many of their friends didn’t ether.

Edited June 11, 2022 by Frances

[fraidycat]

It's not unreasonable to set a boundary around your finances and weddings, especially since you listed several ways that they could use that money besides directly on the wedding. It would be unreasonable if you dictated exactly how the wedding should be to stay within your budget.

Personally, we had an evening wedding, not necessarily to avoid paying to serve dinner (though that cost savings was a nice side benefit), but to avoid some family conflicts over who and who was not invited, fed, etc. as had happened with some of the cousins' recent weddings. We had the "big wedding" with lots of guests, and because we had alcohol at the reception, we had to also serve food per local liquor licensing laws, but we got married at 7 p.m. then had more of a finger foodish, help-yourself  "lunch" for snacking throughout the evening. I can't even remember for sure what all foods we had, but I'm thinking it was meat, cheese, buns, veggie trays w/dips, salads, baked beans, etc.

Edited June 11, 2022 by fraidycat

[Murphy101]

I have not “budgeted” anything for their weddings.   I have said I will pay for precana (roughly $500-600). That’s it financially.  If we could do more, we probably would pitch in another $1000.

Pending the scenario, we’d be willing to pitch in to help with making decorations and such.  We’d call friends to ask for help too.  But none of us would be willing to go into debt for a wedding.

I kinda feel like if they aren’t stable enough to afford their wedding and they don’t have the maturity to understand the concept of unreasonable debt - that is not a good recipe for a good marriage.

A wedding does not have to cost 10k even today.

precana $600

dress including heirlooming afterward <$1000

groom suit, best men and matron of honor <$600

wedding at our Catholic parish <$1000 including use of hall for a cake and punch reception

cake and punch <$500

photographer <$2000

done for $6700

and actually I think the cost would come under $5k bc I’m over on several items.

I suppose there are many people who would raise an eye brow over that simple yet beautiful wedding. Frankly, I’d be fine inviting them to stay home. Don’t no body need that negativity at our weddings.

[HS Mom in NC]

2 hours ago, Bootsie said:

I am curious about those who say that they have set aside $X for their children for a wedding or they will give them that amount for a downpayment on a house if they choose to elope.  At some point would you provide that same amount for a child who has not chosen to marry but who wants to purchase a house to use as a downpayment?  

Yes, but if they choose to marry after that they won't get a contribution from us for a wedding.

[Catwoman]

30 minutes ago, Frances said:

I’m not so sure this is the norm anymore. Anyway, my son’s wedding has two grooms, so there is no bride’s family to pay for the bulk of the wedding. 😉But at least among their friends and our friends it seems more the norm for the couple and both sets of parents to all contribute something toward the wedding. They never asked us or his parents to help with $, but we both volunteered to pay for specific things. And I don’t think there is always a rehearsal dinner anymore. They aren’t having one and many of their friends didn’t ether.

Clearly, in this case, you and the other parents are going to have to play a few rounds of rock-paper-scissors to see which groom’s parents will be ponying up the cash for the rehearsal dinner. 😉 

[rebcoola]

Really nowadays anything goes.  I've been to potluck weddings, bbqs, donut receptions, plated dinners.  I went to a wedding and reception all held in a diy brewery with popcorn and beer made by the happy couple.   I am just happy to celebrate with people.  I am not one to worry about others people's expectations if they would judge us for not doing a wedding a certain way I don't want them in my life.

[HS Mom in NC]

7 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 I think the cost would come under $5k bc I’m over on several items.

I suppose there are many people who would raise an eye brow over that simple yet beautiful wedding. Frankly, I’d be fine inviting them to stay home. Don’t no body need that negativity at our weddings.

I agree.  Anyone who would look down on any form of wedding someone else chooses should never be invited to any wedding.

We gave our girls each $5,000 for their weddings/celebration of their union (because they might not want a wedding.) They were able to do it for that amount because they kept them small and simple.

4 years ago middle daughter got married on 3 months notice in a private ceremony (they're not religious and some on my side are both religious and toxic and some on her spouse's side are religious, so avoid drama, no family was invited to that) with only themselves and witnesses, no attendants, then they had a back yard canopied reception at her in-laws' with food from their favorite moderately priced Italian restaurant, iced bottled soft drinks in decorative bins, 2 cakes that weren't officially "wedding cakes" but were white and very decorative, tea lights and string lights for decorations rather than flowers, heavy weight rented nice event restrooms, and a friend taking pics.  Her dress was a short 1950s simple type dress and he bought a charcoal grey suit. Invitations were electronic.

Three years ago oldest got married on 3 weeks notice.  They had been engaged for many months without a date set, trying to plan a more typical wedding many months out, but due to very challenging issues with his side (multi-generational family of addicts-they're all addicts except for SIL)  it became obvious that managing that along with the toxic people on my side was going to be much too overwhelming for them.  Daughter and SIL have mental health issues to deal with, so bandwidth is limited.  When an out of state job opportunity came up, they took it and used some of those funds to move and set up house.

Then after several more months they decided to do a very small justice of the peace style wedding. She wore her favorite velvet green party dress she already owned, he bought a black suit, she flew a close friend in to be a witness and the photographer, they married on the back deck of the officiant's house surrounded by woods, then we met them at a very nice French restaurant where it was my nuclear family with them and the close friend for an elegant meal, drinks, and exquisite desserts.