Deleted

[prairiewindmomma]

I'd talk with older sister and see what she thinks, TBH. Given the other things you've shared here over the past year, I think she would be up to handling it and having a direct conversation with slacker sister.

If you don't want to address it and set a boundary, then I think you're just going to have to think of this as a gift freely given each week.  

I have this dynamic (freeloader sibling) in my own family, and there's just no winning....in the sense of that individual freely stepping up and taking their "fair" portion of the burden without confrontation. Confrontation brings its own challenges in the extended family dynamic.

[Terabith]

As someone who is often the slacker family member but does not particularly WANT to be, I am just going to throw it out here, that especially when you come upon a family event where roles are already sort of sketched out, it's super awkward to just throw yourself in and start bringing things.  I've done that before and gotten fussed at because I was stepping on someone's toes, because "Aunt Gerta ALWAYS brought the drinks," or "Cousin Sally is offended that you brought a dessert because it implies maybe you do not like hers."  

I feel like there's a lot of things to criticize about this family member fairly, but I think this is a genuinely tricky area for her, since in the past other people have always done the planning and supplying of food.  She might be a slacker who resents being asked to do something in particular, but it's also very possible that she might be extremely relieved to have a task assigned to her, even if that's not the way most of the family (who has been doing it for much longer) operates.  

[freesia]

I also think the older SIL should handle it. I wonder, too, if it’s time to start rotating who provides the main course and they can do grilled hamburgers or order pizza their week. I also don’t think SIL needs to dance around the financial part of it. Although maybe if they attend bc they feel they have to and would rather stay home, that’s another element to explore, but I doubt that from other things you’ve said. 
To be really honest, I actually think that this is the time they should be providing for you after how you supported them this summer. I’m not saying that to give you something else to be frustrated with, just to validate that there are many reasons to be irritated. And, in my life, that irritation would mean older SIL should handle it. I’m a little surprised she isn’t already, but you are completely in your rights to ask her for help. 

[J-rap]

1 hour ago, BaseballandHockey said:

So this family, DH's family, is more like your family.

Somewhere during the week, in a group text chain, we'll start talking about schedules and when we're getting together.  Then either my older SIL (the host) will generally say "I was thinking I could make . . . .  what do you think" and name some kind of main dish, and then other people will chime in.  Sometimes, DH's brother or his wife does that too, or they'll say "What can we bring?".  And then we sort of sort things out.  

Yes, that's exactly how it works for my family.  🙂  Somehow it just sorts itself out, as you said.

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Clarita]

Depending on why I believe the reason is for the person who isn't pulling their weight. Money or labor. If I couldn't put my finger on it I'd either come in with a "What are you bringing?" or a "Could you bring napkins (or other purchasable/non parishable goods) or food item that they can decide to make or purchase?" 

I get what you are saying there is a mom in our little group of friends whole will bring a 1 person serving of blueberries and half a PBandJ to a potluck. It's pretty annoying.  

[prairiewindmomma]

3 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

I know I need to drop it.  I am just whiny tonight.

It's ok to feel whiny.

She is taking advantage, and the fact that you are recognizing that is your own boundary system taking notice. That's normal and healthy, and something to be applauded.  If you're having to let it go because in the grand universe of issues, this isn't one that's driving the bus, that's ok. It doesn't mean that it doesn't chafe.  I have some of those too. Hugs!

[Carol in Cal.]

I think the group chat would be an easy way to bring this up.

"Mary, have you decide what to bring yet?  We could really use a couple of bottles of wine and some orange juice if you just want to shop this time."

Or maybe:

'Hey, what are you bringing Mary?'  If no answer, "Hey Mary, we really need someone to bring 4 cans of corn so we can heat it up right before dinner--it's a great time of the year for it.  How about it?"

Or perhaps something that says, "Mary, looks like it's your turn to bring the starch.  We've noticed that we need about 4 loaves of bread or 6 cups of a rice dish to feed everyone.  Can you please let us know what you're going to be bringing?"

Edited October 12, 2021 by Carol in Cal.

[Danae]

I have one sibling who is, let’s say, less intrinsically motivated to get together as an extended family than the rest of us are.  So the other three households plan things, rotate hosting duties, sometimes one couple provides the meal, sometimes we plan together and assign parts, sometimes we potluck.  Less motivated sibling is always invited, comes maybe 1 in 10 times, and is never asked to bring anything.  Everyone’s cool with it.

[fraidycat]

12 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I think the group chat would be an easy way to bring this up.

"Mary, have you decide what to bring yet?  We could really use a couple of bottles of wine and some orange juice if you just want to shop this time."

Or maybe:

'Hey, what are you bringing Mary?'  If no answer, "Hey Mary, we really need someone to bring 4 cans of corn so we can heat it up right before dinner--it's a great time of the year for it.  How about it?"

Or perhaps something that says, "Mary, looks like it's your turn to bring the starch.  We've noticed that we need about 4 loaves of bread or 6 cups of a rice dish to feed everyone.  Can you please let us know what you're going to be bringing?"

I like this, or even "I feel like we always steal all the ideas before Mary has a chance to get in the chat, so I'll let her decide on food/sides and I'll just grab some drinks and napkins this time."

[J-rap]

1 hour ago, BaseballandHockey said:

Exactly, except when it doesn’t.

Then when it doesn't, I'd speak up.  But this would be a fairly normal conversation for us.  Like, "Hey, can you bring the paper plates and napkins?" or "Are you able to pick up beverages for everyone on your way over?"

[Carol in Cal.]

Personally, for a number of reasons that I won't go into, I can't host Big Family Dinners.  There just isn't anywhere for the littles to blow off steam safely at our place, and it would not work at all.  So I bring excessive foods when we attend, like the full dessert course and one-two sides, sometimes a soup also, kind of to say thank you to the host.  I think every family needs 1-2 great hosts, and 1-2 great cooks, and a generous attitude to have successful BFDs.  And yet that stupid little tiny green bean casserole still was quite annoying, LOL.

[kristin0713]

It's so easy to pick up a store bought dessert, drinks, or whatever.  She should be asked flat out "can  you pick up some cookies" or whatever.  But really, I would leave it to the host.  Bring what you want/can and don't fill in for the non-contributor. If the host is burdened, it is their responsibility to delegate. This is not a burden you should carry. 

[bensonduck]

In our gatherings, each family is responsible for their own drinks. (We have some who drink alcohol, some who do not, some who drink soda, some who prefer seltzer, some who want coffee after dinner, etc, etc)  It’s just easier for our group this way.

I am one of the less skilled cooks in the family group.  (I’m actually okay, but we have some really, really good - and obsessive - cooks).  I often get asked to bring a cheese and cracker tray.  I pick out 3-5 blocks of cheese in the deli and like one of those cracker assortments they usually have near the deli.  Sometimes if there is a container of mini pickles I will get those too.  I just keep it all in a shopping bag till I get there and bring the tray separately.  Then I can set it up when I arrive.  It takes just a few minutes.

 

[Pam in CT]

re HOW the logistics come together (or don't) matter

1 hour ago, BaseballandHockey said:

I am not in a position to disinvite someone, and the routine of getting together is really important to my kids, especially now.

We have plenty of men who cook, or contribute in the family. I talk about her and not her DH because she’s the one whose family is gathering, and she’s the one who participates in the group text where we plan it.  I don’t care who actually purchases the soda or whatever.

The bolded kind of jumped out at me. Maybe try a different group text that includes her husband? 

 

 

re 1/4 branches of the family "less intrinsically motivated" to join

42 minutes ago, Danae said:

I have one sibling who is, let’s say, less intrinsically motivated to get together as an extended family than the rest of us are.  So the other three households plan things, rotate hosting duties, sometimes one couple provides the meal, sometimes we plan together and assign parts, sometimes we potluck.  Less motivated sibling is always invited, comes maybe 1 in 10 times, and is never asked to bring anything.  Everyone’s cool with it.

One of my husband's siblings is kind of like this as well.  And it's fine. Because we're doing extended gatherings maybe once a month, and Less Intrinsically Motivated -- always invited -- actually joins us maybe 1/6 times.  So who cares, at that frequency.

But for *weekly* gatherings... I think it's different; and if it were me I'd look to find a way to communicate expecations.

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[SoCal_Bear]

I've moved to using evites because I can list what is wanted for "potluck" and specify #of servings requested. People chose from the list.

[Pam in CT]

23 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

He's on the chat.  He just doesn't participate.  They're definitely pretty traditional in how they divide up roles, and talking with her family, or planning something like this, is something that she does.  

But I'm mostly saying "she" because she's the one I deal with.  And because "My husband's sister's brother and his wife" sounds weird.  
 

I just need to drop it.  It's not my place. 

Well, you are her family. If this is grating on you -- as it certainly appears to be -- on a weekly basis, then it's worth figuring out how to communicate about it, KWIM? 

(If it were once a year, or a handful of times a year, my take would be different. But if something really were bugging *me* week after week... it'd be better *for me* to figure a pathway to dealing with it, than to drop it.  A few times a year, I would drop it.)

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Carol in Cal.]

It seems like there is a larger issue here.  This is just the tip of the iceberg of a person who is either spoiled or selfish or entitled or something similar and won't step up and recognize that on any level, and is happy to take and take and take and never give.  Otherwise this would not be SO bad.

[lewelma]

12 hours ago, BaseballandHockey said:

What do you bring to family gatherings?

There is a very easy but elegant dessert you can bring. Coconut cream chocolate mousse (with cointreau if you drink). Easy peasy to make. Melt chocolate in a pan in a pan of water, stir in coconut (and cointreau). Pour into fancy glasses (I use fluted champagne glasses but you could use brandy glasses or whatever). Then you buy cream you have to whip so it seems authentic not spray can, but then you just dump out half of the container (save for later), and shake the half in the container until it is ready to spoon on. And buy a punnet of blueberries/raspberries to sprinkle on top. So easy, but seems incredibly fancy with the presentation and coconut milk. If you use quality dark chocolate, you can add a bit of sugar to sweeten it a bit. 

ETA: lol, I didn't read past the first post. Sounds like there is more going on. Good luck!

Edited October 12, 2021 by lewelma

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Jean in Newcastle]

I refuse to play the game of guessing what people want.  Just tell me.  I will say "yes or no"  (I still have that choice though 99.9% of the time I say "yes"). 

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Melissa Louise]

This would cause me a lot of social anxiety. I am bad at 'bringing things'. 

Please say:

I do not want you to bring anything.

Or 

Please bring a green salad/brownies/whatever-but-make-it-a-named thing. 

My brain will go into freeze mode if I don't know whether or not I'm supposed to bring anything, and if I am, what it should be.

Or honestly, don't invite me, lol. I'm not joking when I say I find this combo of food+ stress+others being mad about it anxiety provoking. 

I think it's best to just communicate. Hey, SIL, could you please bring X on the weekend. 

 

 

 

 

[Carrie12345]

I do not LIKE to cook, but I love to eat, so I get it done.

In my “chosen family”, I always ask what I can bring, but the answer is always “whatever”. I do wish people would narrow it down at least.

I tend to switch it up. Deviled eggs, potato salad, fruit, Mac and cheese, hot pretzels and dips (from frozen; I know how to make from scratch, but ugh.)...      

In my bio/legal family, when we had big parties, everyone had an unspoken expected dish. As the youngest capable generation at the time, I got away with bringing a dessert. After so many losses and younger kids growing, I think I’d have been promoted to swedish meatballs at this point. But we don’t really gather anymore. (Deaths, moves, fallouts, etc.)

[marbel]

I'm honestly sitting here a bit envious that there are families that live close together enough, and apparently like each other enough, to get together weekly for a shared meal! I have not experienced that ever. 

I don't mean to be flippant, and I'm sorry it's causing you stress. If I understand correctly, you are not the host/person-in-charge of this event, so you are right to say you need to step back and let it go. The person-in-charge needs to tackle the problem of the non-contributor. In your place, I would be annoyed by the non-contributor and would support the person-in-charge in whatever they want to do about it (including nothing). It could be hard at times but it sounds like this is important to your family and not something worth giving up.  

For the side issue, I agree with others in general that if I'm invited to something and ask "what can I bring" I'd like the answer to be pretty solid: a green salad, some fruit, just yourself, a dessert and please remember we can't have nuts. I'll happily bring something, but I don't want to have to guess what would be right.

Edited October 12, 2021 by marbel

[regentrude]

37 minutes ago, marbel said:

For the side issue, I agree with others in general that if I'm invited to something and ask "what can I bring" I'd like the answer to be pretty solid: a green salad, some fruit, just yourself, a dessert and please remember we can't have nuts. I'll happily bring something, but I don't want to have to guess what would be right.

I hear you. Just want to offer a different point of view, from somebody who does a lot of hosting: if I have to do the mental work of figuring out what to assign other people to bring, I might as well make all the food myself. If bringing food to a gathering is supposed to make things easier for me, the host, (as opposed to being a ritual that makes the guest feel better), then don't burden me with the thinking and planing for everybody.

[marbel]

Just now, regentrude said:

I hear you. Just want to offer a different point of view, from somebody who does a lot of hosting: if I have to do the mental work of figuring out what to assign other people to bring, I might as well make all the food myself. If bringing food to a gathering is supposed to make things easier for me, the host, (as opposed to being a ritual that makes the guest feel better), then don't burden me with the thinking and planing for everybody.

Yes, when I host, I generally* plan to do it all and when asked "what can I bring?" will tell people I would be happy for them to just come, nothing needed. I know for many people it is inconceivable to not contribute to a meal, but honestly I enjoy hosting other and to be honest, I enjoy being hosted sometimes and not have to take something whenever I am invited out.  (Though I always bring wine or another hostess gift, as mentioned above.)  I like the control and knowing that if someone can't make it at the last minute, some "critical" part of the meal isn't missing. (Of course I also understand it's just one meal so if a side dish or dessert doesn't make it, it isn't really critical, but I prefer not to have to deal with that.) I also may have a theme and yeah, I don't really need a Greek appetizer at my Mexican fiesta themed meal. (This actually happened, and yes the invited people knew it was Mexican food.) 

*It's also fun to sometimes to say something like "I'll make soup, bring your favorite appetizer" and see what happens. 

But if it was a regular gathering as the OP describes, with a regular group of people, all family/in-laws, and all but one were contributing, then yeah, that could get pretty annoying to me after a while. 

 

[Scarlett]

29 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I hear you. Just want to offer a different point of view, from somebody who does a lot of hosting: if I have to do the mental work of figuring out what to assign other people to bring, I might as well make all the food myself. If bringing food to a gathering is supposed to make things easier for me, the host, (as opposed to being a ritual that makes the guest feel better), then don't burden me with the thinking and planing for everybody.

Some families and cultures have it down to a science.  OP is basically discussing covered dish.  I prefer organized covered dish....and it doesn't take a lot of planning to make the main dish and ask others to bring a side/salad/dessert/drinks. This can be specific if the theme of the main dishes requires it to. It sounds like you are doing more Complete Entertaining which in my mind is different.  Not a lot of people have the time/energy/money to do that for large groups on a regular basis.

14 minutes ago, marbel said:

Yes, when I host, I generally* plan to do it all and when asked "what can I bring?" will tell people I would be happy for them to just come, nothing needed. I know for many people it is inconceivable to not contribute to a meal, but honestly I enjoy hosting other and to be honest, I enjoy being hosted sometimes and not have to take something whenever I am invited out.  (Though I always bring wine or another hostess gift, as mentioned above.)  I like the control and knowing that if someone can't make it at the last minute, some "critical" part of the meal isn't missing. (Of course I also understand it's just one meal so if a side dish or dessert doesn't make it, it isn't really critical, but I prefer not to have to deal with that.) I also may have a theme and yeah, I don't really need a Greek appetizer at my Mexican fiesta themed meal. (This actually happened, and yes the invited people knew it was Mexican food.) 

*It's also fun to sometimes to say something like "I'll make soup, bring your favorite appetizer" and see what happens. 

But if it was a regular gathering as the OP describes, with a regular group of people, all family/in-laws, and all but one were contributing, then yeah, that could get pretty annoying to me after a while. 

 

Yes, this can be a concern.  I just don't assign a critical dish to flaky people.  LOL.  And if a otherwise dependable person suddenly can't come there is probably something bigger going on than us missing a part of a meal.

 

@BaseballandHockey I would definitely put a bug in the hostess ear to kindly begin assigning dishes.  As you can see from the many replies here MOST of us prefer straight up specific requests.  It is distressing to a large number of people to worry about the right thing to bring or not.  

[marbel]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Some families and cultures have it down to a science.  OP is basically discussing covered dish.  I prefer organized covered dish....and it doesn't take a lot of planning to make the main dish and ask others to bring a side/salad/dessert/drinks. This can be specific if the theme of the main dishes requires it to. It sounds like you are doing more Complete Entertaining which in my mind is different.  Not a lot of people have the time/energy/money to do that for large groups on a regular basis.

Yep, there are definitely cultural and family differences and preferences to be considered, different style of entertaining/offering hospitality. 

This is one of those times I wish I could ask my mother some questions. My parents had lots of siblings and I remember big gatherings several times a year at our house or another aunt/uncle's. I'd love to know how food was worked out at those. I have no memory of my mom taking anything or of people bringing stuff to our house, but I'm sure I was occupied with my cousins so would not have noticed. We moved away from there when I was 10 so that was a long, long time ago!  

[Pam in CT]

8 hours ago, lewelma said:

There is a very easy but elegant dessert you can bring. Coconut cream chocolate mousse (with cointreau if you drink). Easy peasy to make. Melt chocolate in a pan in a pan of water, stir in coconut (and cointreau). Pour into fancy glasses (I use fluted champagne glasses but you could use brandy glasses or whatever). Then you buy cream you have to whip so it seems authentic not spray can, but then you just dump out half of the container (save for later), and shake the half in the container until it is ready to spoon on. And buy a punnet of blueberries/raspberries to sprinkle on top. So easy, but seems incredibly fancy with the presentation and coconut milk. If you use quality dark chocolate, you can add a bit of sugar to sweeten it a bit. 

ETA: lol, I didn't read past the first post. Sounds like there is more going on. Good luck!

THIS IS GENIUS  -- exactly my style; thank you!

[Carrie12345]

54 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I hear you. Just want to offer a different point of view, from somebody who does a lot of hosting: if I have to do the mental work of figuring out what to assign other people to bring, I might as well make all the food myself. If bringing food to a gathering is supposed to make things easier for me, the host, (as opposed to being a ritual that makes the guest feel better), then don't burden me with the thinking and planing for everybody.

I sort of disagree.  
In the nuclear family, yeah, I’m sick of the mental load of food.  
In a more party-type scenario, I do think it’s part of a host’s job, if bringing things is expected. As a guest, why is it better that I worry if 4 other people bring potato salad and no one brings a dessert? As a host, having no idea what people were bringing (at least what category) would make me feel compelled to cover all bases, so I might as well tell people not to bring anything.

[marbel]

3 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

I sort of disagree.  
In the nuclear family, yeah, I’m sick of the mental load of food.  
In a more party-type scenario, I do think it’s part of a host’s job, if bringing things is expected. As a guest, why is it better that I worry if 4 other people bring potato salad and no one brings a dessert? As a host, having no idea what people were bringing (at least what category) would make me feel compelled to cover all bases, so I might as well tell people not to bring anything.

That's why she makes all the food - so she can just make the food, and not have to tell other people what to bring. I believe her point is that when she hosts, it's not expected that guests bring any food. 

I can't imagine a worse scenario as a host than telling people to bring food but not giving at least a category and having a free-for-all, though I believe that is the true/original (?) definition of "pot luck." But that's not what she's talking about. 

Edited October 12, 2021 by marbel

[vonfirmath]

16 hours ago, regentrude said:

Maybe it is time to take a break from the frequent gatherings if one large family won't pull their weight?
Also, why should the mother have to be the one in charge of food? Men can, too

Yes, When we take food to potlucks, etc, most of the time it is my husband doing the cooking. I just make sure we make plans so we can have groceries on hand.

[regentrude]

40 minutes ago, marbel said:

That's why she makes all the food - so she can just make the food, and not have to tell other people what to bring. I believe her point is that when she hosts, it's not expected that guests bring any food. 

I can't imagine a worse scenario as a host than telling people to bring food but not giving at least a category and having a free-for-all, though I believe that is the true/original (?) definition of "pot luck." But that's not what she's talking about. 

It has has always worked just fine for large gatherings because with enough people, chances are there's enough variety. If I invite 50 people and tell them I will have brats and salads, whatever contributions come will somehow augment my offerings. Doesn't matter if ten people bring pie or five potato salad.

[SKL]

I offer to bring the wine and do the cleaning after the meal.  (But please tell me what kind of wine you like, because I have no clue.)

If neither of those are appreciated, I am willing to buy anything that is likely to be appreciated.  It depends on the event and who will be there.  Nobody wants a veggie tray at Thanksgiving.  😛

Now that I have a teen who likes to cook, I will encourage her to bring her amazing cheesecake or whatever else is likely to be enjoyed.

[catz]

Oh jeez, I knew which SIL this was before you outed her.  I have to feel a bit sorry for her kids.  

I hope other SIL will have a talk with her brother and just say "hey, OP has done a lot of cooking the past stretch and it's getting to be too much.  I know cooking isn't your thing and things are busy at your house too.  But to keep up these meals we really need you to swing by the grocery story to pick up a few things so we can do these meals.  It's really important that the kids have this stability right now."

I find it stunning that someone in this family isn't self aware enough to realize you might be a bit overwhelmed right now and isn't offering to pamper you a bit after all you've done in recent memory for this family.

[SKL]

Reading various posts above ...

You might say "who's bringing what?" to introduce the idea that adults should contribute when it isn't a one-host-does-all thing.

[Jean in Newcastle]

5 hours ago, BaseballandHockey said:

I am not quite sure I understand what you are accusing me of. 

I am accusing you of something??  No. I am saying that in my personal circles that playing the guessing game is not something I want to do. I have tried and failed. I prefer to be told what to bring. Then everyone is happy. 
 

But I am pointing out that even if someone tells me to bring something I do have a choice. (A choice I don’t make because I want to accommodate the host). In return, it I were to be a rude guest in a potluck situation (because there are guest situations like Regentrude’s where the host doesn’t want help), the host also has the choice to not invite me. Understanding the choices involved are what help me to avoid bitterness and resentment because even if I choose to let behavior slide, I recognize that it is a choice for me to do so. 

[lewelma]

4 hours ago, Pam in CT said:

THIS IS GENIUS  -- exactly my style; thank you!

It is also gluten free, dairy free (if you skip the cream), vegetarian, and OK for diabetics if you don't make it too sweet! Best dessert ever! 🙂

[Carol in Cal.]

3 hours ago, SKL said:

I offer to bring the wine and do the cleaning after the meal.  (But please tell me what kind of wine you like, because I have no clue.)

 

I have a wine hack for you!

Bring Rombauer Zinfandel.

It's not cheap (around $35) so it feels like a substantial gift.

Every time I served it along with a bottle of white wine for the white wine drinkers, it converted them to red wine for the evening.  Finally I stopped even opening the white wine.  

I ordered a half bottle at a hosted work dinner, and soon the table was littered with many, many half bottles because everyone who tasted it stopped drinking the other stuff on the table.

I served it to my book club, and now other hosts are serving it as well.

Seriously, this wine is freaking magical.  It sucks you in.  It's a cut above without being Grand Cru.  Everyone loves it.  And the winery makes their wines to be utterly flavor consistent from one year to the next so there is no need to look for the right vintage.

[happi duck]

When I host, even weekly, I do everything.  It's my preference that people just attend.

I don't like bringing things but I will if asked.  I have also learned which circles have the expectation to ask "what should I bring?" Though I probably don't always get it right.

I hope the people in my life would just tell me "you have to bring xyz" or "you need to bring something or contribute $X".

Threads like this make me twitchy because it's a reminder of how much judgement/annoyance there is without anyone telling the person involved.

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[regentrude]

12 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

To be clear, this is DH's sister.  When I say it's not my place to say something, it's not because it's not at my house.  It's because she implies that since I'm not a "real" sibling, it's not really my place to dictate "her" family's traditions.  I...

  I often hear how stressful her life is, and it works because I end up doing stuff for her to alleviate her stress. 

You don't deserve to be treated like this, and she doesn't deserve you bending over backwards to make her life easy.
If you're not her "real" family, she should get her act together and sort out her own life. If somebody wants a big family, they can't expect their extended relatives (whom they don't even consider "real" family) to do the work for them because they can't handle it.
You have a lot on your plate as well, and this makes me angry on your behalf.
Who does things for you to alleviate your stress?
 

Edited October 12, 2021 by regentrude

[Drama Llama]

. . . .

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey