Divorce and finances question (posted for a fellow boardie)

[Tap]

A fellow boardie asked me to post this on her behalf so she can stay incognito for now. 

“Regarding divorce, the prevailing wisdom has been to accumulate a stash of cash to have on hand for when separation happens and/or divorce is initiated. But how do you go about converting that cash into a usable form when a card is needed, ie, putting down a deposit on an apartment or other expenses, but you don’t want it to be traceable by STBXH? Can you get a Visa gift card that you can reload with additional cash if needed?  How does one do that? Any other financial logistics advice would be greatly appreciated.

And a huge thank you to Tap for her willingness to post this on my behalf so I  can stay anonymous. I am planning on filing for divorce in about a month and my attorney STBXH can be very vindictive. I am physically safe, but this divorce has the potential of getting very ugly. Thanks to the advice here, I am lawyered up, have gathered all the documents, have a solid financial plan, and feel as ready as I can be.”

[Hyacinth]

Yes, you can add cash for free at some retailers. I think Walmart has a Bluebird Visa debit card that allows for this option. There's probably a bunch more but that's one I'm vaguely familiar with. I'm not sure about other fees; that's something for her to research.

 

Bluebird

Edited August 5, 2021 by Hyacinth

[plansrme]

Open a bank account, assuming the poster is a U.S. citizen and has a SSN. It takes no time at all.

 

[Hyacinth]

1 minute ago, plansrme said:

Open a bank account, assuming the poster is a U.S. citizen and has a SSN. It takes no time at all.

 

I think she wants to be able to hide the account. This option would not allow for that.

[plansrme]

Just now, Hyacinth said:

I think she wants to be able to hide the account. This option would not allow for that.

But she can hide it NOW. She has to disclose it when a settlement is being negotiated, but she can hide it now.

[Ailaena]

28 minutes ago, plansrme said:

But she can hide it NOW. She has to disclose it when a settlement is being negotiated, but she can hide it now.

If there is a possibility that he has a feeling something like this is coming and he already has a certain amount of control, he may have her social flagged and will know immediately.   In fact, if she goes through a standard background check for a regular place, he will know then, as well.  If he’s an attorney, he will probably have contacts and friends who could make things awful.

Is there somebody she trusts who can write a check for her?  Is she willing to fudge some info to open a secured credit card (oops, typo’d my ssn).  Is somebody willing to open a secured card for her?  Can she look for an apartment in a small building managed by the owner?  Maybe call the local women’s shelter and ask if they have any leads on places who will take cash?

Does she want to hide her location from him?  She may have to have somebody else rent a place in their name and she can be the roommate, or whatever.

Somebody who is vindictive can make things just as bad as somebody who is violent, only in a different way.   Who is the lady who just had an update on her nightmare divorce?  Home’scool?  And don’t forget Kinsa’s sister’s nightmare.  

[Sneezyone]

I would buy/use visa/mastercard gift cards but, if you're concerned about them being traced, not reload them. Just buy a series of them with cash, use 'em up, discard and move to the next one.

Edited August 5, 2021 by Sneezyone

[Carol in Cal.]

I’d use the Bank of Mom.

IE I’d stash money with friends.  Several of them.  People I trust.

[elegantlion]

I used bluebird for a while - it's been several years, so not sure how the program is set up now, but at the time it didn't tie to your SSN. It is reloadable. 

I've also used family members that I completely trust.

[Faith-manor]

She could convert cash to a cashier's check at most banks for a fee even if not a customer of that bank, and her ex would not know. I think most apartments and utilities will take those bank checks. It means paying in person, and not the convenience of online, but would likely work.

[J-rap]

As others have mentioned, it seems like the easiest might be to stash with very trusted friends/family.  

[Eos]

Please send her our (quiet) warmth and uplift.

[fraidycat]

I'd be careful about putting it all onto a loadable card. IME, many apartments will not accept cards for payment due to the high fees associates with accepting credit cards, or they pass the processing fees onto the customer. Many prefer check or money order, which you should be able to buy with cash.

If at all possible, I'd have a very trustworthy friend or family member hold it for safekeeping.

[elegantlion]

2 hours ago, fraidycat said:

I'd be careful about putting it all onto a loadable card. IME, many apartments will not accept cards for payment due to the high fees associates with accepting credit cards, or they pass the processing fees onto the customer. Many prefer check or money order, which you should be able to buy with cash.

If at all possible, I'd have a very trustworthy friend or family member hold it for safekeeping.

That's a great point. You might check on Bluebird, you used to be able to get a minimal number of paper checks to use. 

To whomever this questions pertains to, please know I wish you all the best as you proceed. 

[sweet2ndchance]

My vindictive ex turned some of my own family on me so I would be careful of everybody for a while. 10 years later and there are still members of my FOO that believe my ex's lies and slander about me. An ugly divorce can cause people to choose sides and you would be surprised sometimes by which side people choose. My whole point is just be extremely careful, an ugly divorce can bring out the worst in people. Even people who are not directly involved in the divorce.

Definitely get a prepaid card or several prepaid cards. If you get several, don't keep them together. Personally, I opened my own checking account online but my ex wasn't that money savvy. It worked out fine for me but we didn't have a huge amount of money for me to siphon.

Another way I hid money prior to my divorce was to take out cash or make purchases while grocery shopping so the purchase or cash didn't appear as an extra purchase or withdrawl on the joint bank account. For example, I bought myself a cheap prepaid cell phone while grocery shopping at Walmart one day so that they purchase was hidden within the grocery bill. I did the same thing with buying minutes for the phone, I hid it in the grocery bill. Like I said, my ex wasn't the type to go over the receipts or anything, so that worked for me. He would have noticed an extra purchase or withdrawl on the account but he didn't typically check receipts. It might work for you or it might not depending on how financially involved your STBX is. 

You can pull up to $100 off of a prepaid card into cash with a small purchase at Walmart. Just buy a pack of gum or something for less than a dollar and pull up to $100 off of the prepaid card. I cashiered at Walmart for a short while. People do this all the time. You can then turn around and put the cash on a money order at the Money Center. Just about anywhere that will take a check will also take a money order and many times places that won't take checks will take money orders if you ask. Money orders can't bounce like checks so they are safer for the person receiving the money. Yes, this method of turning prepaid cards into money orders might sound expensive but it is completely anonymous if you need to hide what you are doing from a STBX. Sometimes safety in anonymity is worth paying for.

Lastly, don't forget to just ask and explain your situation when looking for a place to live. Sometimes people are willing to make exceptions or bend the rules for you if they know you are trying to get out of a bad marriage or even just looking for a fresh start. The worst they could say is no.

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs to the person

[Kanin]

I would probably have my mom or a trusted friend open a second checking account in her name, and deposit cash for me.

[Guest]

7 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

She could convert cash to a cashier's check at most banks for a fee even if not a customer of that bank, and her ex would not know. I think most apartments and utilities will take those bank checks. It means paying in person, and not the convenience of online, but would likely work.

As a mom and pop property manager, I agree; it works best with small landlords like us. There is also the possibility of saying, “Im embarrassed to say this, but my credit is shot from past bad decisions but I will get cashiers checks/money orders to pay rent and I will pay on time.” 

[Scarlett]

11 hours ago, plansrme said:

But she can hide it NOW. She has to disclose it when a settlement is being negotiated, but she can hide it now.

I think this is the point.  As long as she can have to money when it all hits the fan…..who cares if she has to disclose later that she had escape cash set aside.  

[TravelingChris]

I think others here have given great advice but I just want to offer hugs.

 

Also, I do urge caution especially if the STBEX has depression, PTSD, and certain other mental disorders. 've been a little weepy this morning about a justice system failure that resulted in tragedy in my area.  And it really is all too often a problem. 

HUgs and prayers for the boardie.

[saraha]

@Tap praying for your friend tonight and thinking of her

[heartlikealion]

I did not do this but this is my 2 cents 

Don’t bother with visa gift cards — $4.95 activation fee for the one buying. 

Will the landlord accept a money order? Depending on the fee, might be cheaper. 

Have a friend/relative write the check and pay the friend back in cash? Would they care so long as they got their money? I would not expect them to do this long-term but maybe very briefly. Water bill and such you can pay cash in person. 
 

 

[kiwik]

I don't understand how anyone else can know if a person over 18 opens a bank account.  Surely there is a privacy act?  It doesn't help with rent but adding a small  gift card for the supermarket each time you shop will at least mean you can eat or contribute if you end up staying with others.

[DawnM]

When my friend was in a controlling situation (financially controlling to the point where he gave her only a certain amount for groceries for the family), I suggested she follow an online blogger on how to eat for very little $$.   She gave the surplus to her brother to put in an account for her without her husband knowing.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

When my friend was in a controlling situation (financially controlling to the point where he gave her only a certain amount for groceries for the family), I suggested she follow an online blogger on how to eat for very little $$.   She gave the surplus to her brother to put in an account for her without her husband knowing.

My sad face means, “I’m so sad that your friend was in such a controlling situation.” 

[heartlikealion]

I was in a financially abusive situation IMO and I knew that if I opened a bank account it would be discovered by tax time. We always filed jointly. It was discovered sooner because of a question about my paycheck withholdings and the statement showed my checks were going to 2 different places (small amount to personal account). 

During the divorce process we had to fill out these forms for Discovery then submit for the court. It asked about bank accounts and retirement funds. We are separated now but some of our finances are still mingled by court order until further notice (how medical is handled and in our case auto ins). He changed it so when the child tax credit comes in it drops into his personal account not the joint (the joint is there so we can send funds to each other if necessary). That money will hit today but I can’t see it. He’ll have to manually move me my half.