Update 6/26 How would you handle this? Or am I the crazy one?

[KungFuPanda]

Just now, Scarlett said:

To be clear I haven’t brought it up one time.  Ever.  

It sounds like your sister is bringing it up and it's painful to you.  I'm not saying you're bringing up the subject.  I'm saying you should let go of this house emotionally.  

[Bootsie]

9 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

This is a subject I'd drop with the sister.  If she goes on and on about it, I'd tell her it was a sore spot and to please stop.  This man was a disappointment to you in life and death.  He pretty much left the house to his wife, but micromanaged who SHE was allowed to leave it to upon her death.  There is no fantasy scenario where the sister will say "We should split the house equally since we're both his daughters."  It's never going to happen.  You have to let go of this man entirely.  The only thing he's going to leave you is a sister.  Accept HER for the gift she is and let go of all of the material stuff.

I would not necessarily descrie this as micromanaging who the spouse can leave the property to. For a spouse to have a life estate of a homestead but the home to pass immediately to heirs at the death of a spouse is a common practice, at least in Texas.  There are estate planning benefits for the setup, including protecting the property in Meidicaid estate recovery.  

Naming one child and not another child in a will is another issue.  It would not even, however, be so simple for the sister to give half of the inheritance to someone else because that would trigger gift taxes.  

[Tanaqui]

33 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

I would not necessarily descrie this as micromanaging who the spouse can leave the property to. For a spouse to have a life estate of a homestead but the home to pass immediately to heirs at the death of a spouse is a common practice, at least in Texas.  There are estate planning benefits for the setup, including protecting the property in Meidicaid estate recovery.  

Naming one child and not another child in a will is another issue.  It would not even, however, be so simple for the sister to give half of the inheritance to someone else because that would trigger gift taxes.  

1. I didn't know that myself, so thanks.

2. You know... there really ought to be a legal way for children to "even up" the inheritance without getting extra taxes on top. If the parents cut one kid out of the will, and the siblings (half siblings, step siblings) all agree that it should've been divided more fairly to start with, they should be able to just go to a judge and arrange for it to be fixed.

[Carrie12345]

You’re not crazy, but you’ve got to find a way to make peace with it. For your own sake, for your relationship with your sister, and even for the stepmother. The advice about telling your sister it’s uncomfortable for you is good. And it does sound like she feels awkward about it.

I’ve been estranged from my father for 20-something years, which isn’t the same, but I “get” resentment. He left three daughters to focus on his new family, including stepdaughters. He “owes” us so much, but I don’t want a damn dirty dollar from him. The hurt is from the (lack of) actions while alive. Money after death doesn’t change a single thing about what caused the hurt.

I can fully understand the temptation to meet yet another injustice with a sort of... “But look at my pain!” Any time something happens that triggers mine, I get the urge to pick a scabs and vent my baggage to try to find some outside validation. It doesn’t help matters though. With a lot of work on myself, I’ve learned to mostly let it run off my back.

What you’re “owed” is so much more than a house, and your sister can’t pay the real debt. Nor is she responsible for it.

My gorgeous, terrific baby brother isn’t, either. It’s not their fault our parents failed us.

Until you can let it go, keep the blame where it belongs.

[purpleowl]

If you want her to respect your feelings, she needs to be told what those feelings are. 

It doesn't matter if you think she SHOULD know how you feel about it. We all mess up from time to time when we try to read someone else's mind to figure out how they feel. If you haven't clearly communicated to her how you feel, it's unfair to expect her to know. You have the opportunity to be gracious, assume no ill intent, and open up communication to protect your relationship with her.

[lauraw4321]

7 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

1. I didn't know that myself, so thanks.

2. You know... there really ought to be a legal way for children to "even up" the inheritance without getting extra taxes on top. If the parents cut one kid out of the will, and the siblings (half siblings, step siblings) all agree that it should've been divided more fairly to start with, they should be able to just go to a judge and arrange for it to be fixed.

Re:2. There is. It’s called a disclaimer of inheritance. And then a settlement by consent. 

[BlsdMama]

Scarlett,

 

I’m going to say something that I truly am saying out of love and not out of meanness. It’s been four years of a sh*t storm here and there have been periods where I get a little stuck in my head thinking, “If X happpened/happens then...” and it kept me in this weird place off of only this thing wold happen (a person make a different choice, some turn in the road, somebody behave speak/act differently than they do/did) then I could be content/happy/peaceful. (The quote about “my real life” from CS Lewis is so true for me.)
 

And one day my husband, at the time speaking about the disease, told me, “You’re letting this make you bitter.” I flipped. I was so mad. Part of me thought the situation was making me bitter, part of me felt really entitled to my bitterness, and part of me was just bitter and resentful because *I* was the one walking the walk. But as it settled, he was right. I wonder if I would have seen it if he didn’t say something. I’d become a resentful person and I didn’t see it was ME making a choice in how I was responding, and worse, it was becoming my “go to” response.

 

This situation has the potential to be a bitterness. You have the power and ability to choose your response. You could let it make you bitter and you can defend the bitterness, it’s a defensible position for sure. I decided my response to my situation was robbing more from me, including my sweetness, and then I was giving it room to grow and take more. Oh geez, I was watering it and feeding it in my thought life. I can hear you doing the same. If you want to be a content person at peace, you will need to make a pivot from this path and tell yourself something different and not do anything that fuels and feeds the bitterness. 
 

He’s dead. The will is decided and is over. There is nothing changeable. The sister isn’t going to sell the house for $350,000 and give you half, righting the wrong. It’s not going to happen. Nothing is going to fix that he wronged you. But that’s on HIM. You can go forward in your life. You can choose to go plant a tree in honor of choosing joy. You can plant flowers. You can take soup to someone today. You can turn your thinking and not give him today and then you can do it again tomorrow. 
 

I’m really sorry. It is hurtful when someone says something like this and not just a gentle slap. But stuff like this has the power to consume you and frankly, your dad was hurtful alive and this last slap has the potential to cause resentment and bitterness which will, inevitably, poison your other relationships. Don’t give that to him. 

Edited April 13, 2021 by BlsdMama

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

Scarlett,

 

I’m going to say something that I truly am saying out of love and not out of meanness. It’s been four years of a sh*t storm here and there have been periods where I get a little stuck in my head thinking, “If X happpened/happens then...” and it kept me in this weird place off of only this thing wold happen (a person make a different choice, some turn in the road, somebody behave speak/act differently than they do/did) then I could be content/happy/peaceful. (The quote about “my real life” from CS Lewis is so true for me.)
 

And one day my husband, at the time speaking about the disease, told me, “You’re letting this make you bitter.” I flipped. I was so mad. Part of me thought the situation was making me bitter, part of me felt really entitled to my bitterness, and part of me was just bitter and resentful because *I* was the one walking the walk. But as it settled, he was right. I wonder if I would have seen it if he didn’t say something. I’d become a resentful person and I didn’t see it was ME making a choice in how I was responding, and worse, it was becoming my “go to” response.

 

This situation has the potential to be a bitterness. You have the power and ability to choose your response. You could let it make you bitter and you can defend the bitterness, it’s a defensible position for sure. I decided my response to my situation was robbing more from me, including my sweetness, and then I was giving it room to grow and take more. Oh geez, I was watering it and feeding it in my thought life. I can hear you doing the same. If you want to be a content person at peace, you will need to make a pivot from this path and tell yourself something different and not do anything that fuels and feeds the bitterness. 
 

He’s dead. The will is decided and is over. There is nothing changeable. The sister isn’t going to sell the house for $350,000 and give you half, righting the wrong. It’s not going to happen. Nothing is going to fix that he wronged you. But that’s on HIM. You can go forward in your life. You can choose to go plant a tree in honor of choosing joy. You can plant flowers. You can take soup to someone today. You can turn your thinking and not give him today and then you can do it again tomorrow. 
 

I’m really sorry. It is hurtful when someone says something like this and not just a gentle slap. But stuff like this has the power to consume you and frankly, your dad was hurtful alive and this last slap has the potential to cause resentment and bitterness which will, inevitably, poison your other relationships. Don’t give that to him. 

Thank you. Your post made me cry. There is so much truth to it. 

[Junie]

(((Scarlett)))

Wills with step-families can be difficult.

When my father and step-mother made their will, everything was left to the surviving spouse.  When the surviving spouse passed away, everything was given only to the surviving spouse's biological children.  

When my father passed away, everything was left to his wife (my step-mother).  When she died, everything was left to her kids (all of which were from previous relationships).  Thankfully, my step-brother (whom I've only seen a few times) was gracious and gave me my father's Vietnam medals and photo albums.

It just seems like a crazy way to make a will.

[Fritz]

Scarlet, speaking as someone who has lived a similar experience, I think your sister knows this is hurtful for you and knows that you should have been given 50% ownership of the house. If she wants to be fair with you and wants to back up all of her talk over the years of understanding your mistreatment by your father she would allow the step mother to live in the home until her death and then sell and split the proceeds with you. If this is the resentment you are feeling, I think you need to be honest with your sister. If she does not understand your hurt and offer to split the proceeds with you, you will have your answer as to who your sister truly is and you can move on. It is easy to talk the talk but now the ball is in her court to do the right thing. No she cannot correct your father's failure, but she can treat you as he should have treated you by splitting the inheritance with you.

[DawnM]

You found out about this birth father rather late in life, correct?   Who is the father on your birth certificate?   Is it this guy?

[Scarlett]

28 minutes ago, DawnM said:

You found out about this birth father rather late in life, correct?   Who is the father on your birth certificate?   Is it this guy?

Incorrect. His name is on my birth certificate.  I have always known who he is and he has always known about me.  

[DawnM]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Incorrect. His name is on my birth certificate.  I have always known who he is and he has always known about me.  

 

Oh, ok, I thought it was a surprise.  I was just thinking about the legalities of it.   I think it gets murky sometimes.  Do you know if you would have any legal claim to the assets?   Or would you not want to fight that battle?

[Scarlett]

13 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

Oh, ok, I thought it was a surprise.  I was just thinking about the legalities of it.   I think it gets murky sometimes.  Do you know if you would have any legal claim to the assets?   Or would you not want to fight that battle?

I don’t know. It isn’t a battle I would ever fight. I tend to believe people should be able to leave their asserts to whom they choose . Exceptions of course for undue influence or in the case of substantial assets where a previously unknown child pops up. 
 

I mostly am just hurt that my sister hasn’t said one word about how I was excluded from the will. But talking it out has helped me a lot. I just have to let it go. 

[Scarlett]

Don’t quote. I will delete later. This was taken when I was 15 and we met for the first time. 

 

Edited April 14, 2021 by Scarlett

[ktgrok]

Your father tried his best to keep you from your sister when he was alive. This seems to be his way of trying to tear you sisters apart after his death. Don't let him do that. 

[CindyH in NC]

@Scarlett, 

Hope this isn't a repeat of previous posts.  Just wanted to say that feeling hurt by the exclusion from your father's will may be your brain's way of trying to trying to overcome grief.  Not so much grief about your father's passing - doesn't sound like he was involved in your life much, unfortunately for him - but a way to keep from dwelling on what could have been if he'd been a better father to you.  

My dh's father passed last year and they had been estranged for several years.  He didn't grieve for the man really at all - I know it's sad but true - but I think he grieved what he wished his relationship with his father could have been.  

I agree with previous posters who said that your sister sound awkward in dealing.  Perhaps she's trying to show you -in a misguided way - that being included in the will wasn't all it was cracked up to be.  Or maybe she is just clueless and discussing what she is struggling with and not even thinking of how your father's last chance to acknowledge you or show you affection of any kind was callously passed over.  

Sorry if this is rambling, but it's somewhat similar to what happened to my dh and it's the loss of "what could have been" that I think hurt him the most.  

Edited April 13, 2021 by CindyH in NC
punctuation problems ;-)

[regentrude]

17 hours ago, Scarlett said:

 My sister, 2 or 3 times has gone on and on about this.....how she believes our step mother can’t afford to keep living there and if she wants to sell it and move she will tell our step mother ‘sure it is your house’.  And my sister says to me repeatedly how honestly it should have been left to our step mother.  

Scarlett,
I completely understand how you feel about this, and your feelings are totally valid. However, I would like to offer a completely different interpretation of the situation that may explain your sister's mindset. Your sister sees her stepmother struggling to afford to live in the house. She sees the eldercare issues looming and knows that, when her stepmom is without assets,  it may/will fall on her to arrange for care in her old age. That is a frightening prospect. I can completely understand that she wishes he had left the house outright to his wife so that her stepmom would have that security.

I think she may not be aware how that comes across to you, because, to her, securing her stepmom's old age is at the forefront of her mind. That can give a person tunnel vision. 

ETA: Imagine for a moment that you two had been raised together in an intact family. You might feel similarly that your mother should have the house. (I know that, if this were my sister and I and our mother had only living rights in a house that our father and her husband of decades had left to us, we would feel strongly that the house should be hers to do with as she pleases since we can still work and make our own living)

 

Edited April 13, 2021 by regentrude

[Scarlett]

52 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Scarlett,
I completely understand how you feel about this, and your feelings are totally valid. However, I would like to offer a completely different interpretation of the situation that may explain your sister's mindset. Your sister sees her stepmother struggling to afford to live in the house. She sees the eldercare issues looming and knows that, when her stepmom is without assets,  it may/will fall on her to arrange for care in her old age. That is a frightening prospect. I can completely understand that she wishes he had left the house outright to his wife so that her stepmom would have that security.

I think she may not be aware how that comes across to you, because, to her, securing her stepmom's old age is at the forefront of her mind. That can give a person tunnel vision. 

ETA: Imagine for a moment that you two had been raised together in an intact family. You might feel similarly that your mother should have the house. (I know that, if this were my sister and I and our mother had only living rights in a house that our father and her husband of decades had left to us, we would feel strongly that the house should be hers to do with as she pleases since we can still work and make our own living)

 

Of course.  I mean, actually I don't think my sister feels responsible for arranging for our stepmother's care.  She (our stepmother)  has 2 daughters of her own, one of which is a nurse and lives nearby.  But still and yet, I agree that it makes sense the house goes to our step mother.  I think my sister is struggling with not wanting to 'give' it to our stepmother and then the stepmother leaves it to her daughters.  And that struggle is making me even more crazy because she IS worrying about what she gets in the end but yet she doesn't think about how I might be feeling AT ALL--or so it seems. 

I am just going to let it go.  I may say something still.....but I just can't worry about it.  

Edited April 13, 2021 by Scarlett

[Scarlett]

So.  I now have a copy of the will.  It was filed and has gone through probate.  It was not like what our stepmother told my sister  It was not like what our stepsister told my sister.  He left everything to his wife.  My sister had to look it up on line and find all of this out herself.  So she feels very betrayed and lied  to.  She is with our stepmother now discussing.

And FINALLY my sister said to me this morning that I should be included in what the kids inherit.  But of course that was after she found out our stepmother got it all. 😉  The will mentions nothing about what happens to the house when our stepmother dies.

Also, there is an Xwife that was awarded about $15K of the equity if and when the house is ever sold.  We have had no contact with her since their divorce almost 40 years ago.  

My sister is pretty upset.  She just feels lied to.  

[bolt.]

I'm sorry to hear that there are now more disappointed people than there were before! I understand that lots of people don't think he should have left his affairs this way. I wonder what the confusion was about people saying they knew what he did before the will was actually made public. That's definitely odd, confusing, and upsetting.

On the other hand, it's really quite normal to leave everything (especially their home) to one's spouse, unless the married couple dies together. It's certainly the default of what I expect from the people in my life.

12 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

The will mentions nothing about what happens to the house when our stepmother dies.

That's because it can't. Wills don't work that way. Once a person inherits something (no matter what it is) they become the owner of that thing. The former, deceased, owner has no influence over what they do with their own things. (She can keep it until she dies and dispose of it in her own will, or she can sell it and the money will be her own.)

[Scarlett]

18 minutes ago, bolt. said:

I'm sorry to hear that there are now more disappointed people than there were before! I understand that lots of people don't think he should have left his affairs this way. I wonder what the confusion was about people saying they knew what he did before the will was actually made public. That's definitely odd, confusing, and upsetting.

On the other hand, it's really quite normal to leave everything (especially their home) to one's spouse, unless the married couple dies together. It's certainly the default of what I expect from the people in my life.

That's because it can't. Wills don't work that way. Once a person inherits something (no matter what it is) they become the owner of that thing. The former, deceased, owner has no influence over what they do with their own things. (She can keep it until she dies and dispose of it in her own will, or she can sell it and the money will be her own.)

Yes, but is is common for homes to be left to a spouse with the stipulation it is divided between the children upon the last spouse's death. I am not sure what the legal term is......but  I don't think that will happen in this case.  

It is really better this way.  My sister had said all along she believed our stepmother should have the house.  Printing off the will made me sad.  Such finality.

[Scarlett]

So my sister said her conversation and lunch with our step mother went fine. Dsm says that there was a will with our aunt as executor....then that aunt died and our dad rewrote it leaving everything to my sister but when they got to the lawyers office to sign it the attorney 'ripped it up'.  I suspect, the attorney educated our dad that he could not leave stepmom's portion of the house to anyone....and around that time he was really sick so maybe he just decided to let go of his massive control freak tendencies and let his wife 'have' their house completely.  And part of his control was that she had not seen the final will until after he died.

Step mom says she has an appointment to go finalize her will and that she is leaving everything to one of her daughters and to my sister.  And if those 2 want to share with their sisters that is up to them.  My sister asked for a copy of that will so she doesn't have to go through what she is going through right now.  

They talked a lot about how abusive he was toward step mom....and how much hate and resentment she still has for him.  

It is all a weird deal.....it is what it is I guess.

[Spryte]

I’m sorry, Scarlett, that it’s been such a confusing time for everyone.  Hopefully whatever happens next will be open and transparent without weird twists and turns and unexpected surprises and hurts.

[Scarlett]

Just now, Spryte said:

I’m sorry, Scarlett, that it’s been such a confusing time for everyone.  Hopefully whatever happens next will be open and transparent without weird twists and turns and unexpected surprises and hurts.

Thank you.  He was a mean man.  He could be a charmer, but when things did not go his way he could get really nasty.  Like an unplanned pregnancy when he was 24.  (me) Or his first wife having an affair on him after my sister was born.....he took custody of my sister because there was no way he was going to pay cs.  And when my sister was 15 and went to live with her mom he was ENRAGED that he had to pay cs.  He cut my sister out of his life for years at a time.  And he someone managed to have people around him who catered to his whims.  He had a way of controlling people.....like convincing my sister it would be a betrayal of him to find ME---her sister!!!!!   She was 39 years old before she got the nerve to look for me.  And she told me today she really regrets she did not get the courage to stand up to him sooner.  

All 3 of his marriages were extremely abusive.  The last one stayed until his death....35 years.  I don't know why he even wanted to be married.  He was too selfish and mean to be a good husband.  

In a way my sister has it the worst.  Having to reconcile her love for him with how crappy he treated everyone---especially me.  He always knew I was his child.  He paid for a plane ticket for me to come see him and meet my sister in 1980 when I was 15.  If he had doubted it he would not have entertained that.  He also kept the pictures of me my mom sent him when I was 7 and the ones that were taken when I visited at age 15. It is sickening to me he could be so obsessed with avoiding cs that he would deny his firstborn child for so long.   

 

[Drama Llama]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Yes, but is is common for homes to be left to a spouse with the stipulation it is divided between the children upon the last spouse's death. I am not sure what the legal term is......but  I don't think that will happen in this case.  

It is really better this way.  My sister had said all along she believed our stepmother should have the house.  Printing off the will made me sad.  Such finality.

Common, maybe, but less common than just leaving it to the spouse, which is surely the most common and the default.  I think that putting stipulations on how a woman treats her biggest asset is pretty controlling.  

I think that it's not surprising that he wasn't kind to you after death, given that he clearly wasn't in life.  It's understandable that you feel hurt, but at least in this case he did right by his wife and didn't treat his kids unequally.  

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

Common, maybe, but less common than just leaving it to the spouse, which is surely the most common and the default.  I think that putting stipulations on how a woman treats her biggest asset is pretty controlling.  

I think that it's not surprising that he wasn't kind to you after death, given that he clearly wasn't in life.  It's understandable that you feel hurt, but at least in this case he did right by his wife and didn't treat his kids unequally.  

Right?  I mean I have this tendency to dream people will make grand gestures to make things right.  'To my daughter Scarlett that I treated so horribly, I now acknowledge she is my daughter and she will share equally in any inheritance.'  LOL  I am a silly dramatic woman.  

 

[hippymamato3]

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Yes, but is is common for homes to be left to a spouse with the stipulation it is divided between the children upon the last spouse's death. I am not sure what the legal term is......but  I don't think that will happen in this case.  

 

In intact families this wouldn't even be an issue unless there was an estranged or disinherited child. I've never seen a will written the way you said unless it was a second marriage, and even then it's pretty uncommon. 

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, hippymamato3 said:

In intact families this wouldn't even be an issue unless there was an estranged or disinherited child. I've never seen a will written the way you said unless it was a second marriage, and even then it's pretty uncommon. 

Well for sure a second marriage …

[hippymamato3]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Right?  I mean I have this tendency to dream people will make grand gestures to make things right.  'To my daughter Scarlett that I treated so horribly, I now acknowledge she is my daughter and she will share equally in any inheritance.'  LOL  I am a silly dramatic woman.  

 

I completely understand why you wish for this. It makes perfect sense. I'm sorry that even in death he couldn't be a good father to you.

[Melissa Louise]

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Right?  I mean I have this tendency to dream people will make grand gestures to make things right.  'To my daughter Scarlett that I treated so horribly, I now acknowledge she is my daughter and she will share equally in any inheritance.'  LOL  I am a silly dramatic woman.  

 

No, it's not silly to entertain a hope of acknowledgement right to the end. 

Hugs, Scarlett. 

[BlsdMama]

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Right?  I mean I have this tendency to dream people will make grand gestures to make things right.  'To my daughter Scarlett that I treated so horribly, I now acknowledge she is my daughter and she will share equally in any inheritance.'  LOL  I am a silly dramatic woman.  

 

I don’t think it’s silly or dramatic to want to be recognized or to have things made right. I’m sorry you had to go through all of this. A father should not treat any daughter, planned or unplanned, as you’ve been treated. 

[math teacher]

I'm so sorry, Scarlett, for the mean things that you have had to endure from your father. 

[Shoeless]

I'm sorry, Scarlett. I wish things had worked out differently. ❤️ 

[LucyStoner]

On 4/13/2021 at 4:54 AM, lauraw4321 said:

Re:2. There is. It’s called a disclaimer of inheritance. And then a settlement by consent. 

Correct.  This can definitely be done. My FIL, at some point in some fit of rage about my husband having a backbone and moving away and generally setting boundaries, changed a lot of things so my BIL would have been the sole beneficiary for most of my FILs assets.  My BIL, knowing what a piece of work their dad could be (alcoholic, very controlling, abusive) and not wanting to let his dad short one of his kids, voluntarily worked it out so that everything was split 50-50.  It was a sizable amount but did not trigger any estate or gift taxes.  Part of the reason my BIL did that was because he wanted to be fair to my husband and part of it was that my FIL had verbally made it known that he regretted making all those changes and was planning to change it back but then he died rather suddenly.  My husband had a lot of bad feelings about taking anything from his dad's estate and decided to make a gift to a DV charity before he felt comfortable putting the rest of the funds to work for our future/our kids.   In this case, my BIL and husband grew up together with their mom and dad. To my husband's credit, he didn't expect his brother to do this and to his brother's credit, he couldn't fathom cutting his brother out/letting my FIL's fit stand.  My MIL had divorced him so she took her share of their marital property when she did that.  There was no other spouse or other children in the picture.  

Edited June 27, 2021 by LucyStoner

[LucyStoner]

I'm sorry he was so awful to you in life and beyond.  Domestic violence is an awful thing for any family to deal with and it sounds like he wasn't a bit pleasant at his core to anyone close to him.  It's ok to feel the way you feel.  It's normal to want acknowledgement.  

[Melissa in Australia]

hugs

[gardenmom5]

On 4/12/2021 at 8:48 PM, Scarlett said:

To be clear I haven’t brought it up one time.  Ever.  

Have you attempted to change the subject when she brings it up?

Have you told her you're uncomfortable discussing it?

 

[gardenmom5]

8 hours ago, LucyStoner said:

Correct.  This can definitely be done. My FIL, at some point in some fit of rage about my husband having a backbone and moving away and generally setting boundaries, changed a lot of things so my BIL would have been the sole beneficiary for most of my FILs assets.  My BIL, knowing what a piece of work their dad could be (alcoholic, very controlling, abusive) and not wanting to let his dad short one of his kids, voluntarily worked it out so that everything was split 50-50.  It was a sizable amount but did not trigger any estate or gift taxes.  Part of the reason my BIL did that was because he wanted to be fair to my husband and part of it was that my FIL had verbally made it known that he regretted making all those changes and was planning to change it back but then he died rather suddenly.  My husband had a lot of bad feelings about taking anything from his dad's estate and decided to make a gift to a DV charity before he felt comfortable putting the rest of the funds to work for our future/our kids.   In this case, my BIL and husband grew up together with their mom and dad. To my husband's credit, he didn't expect his brother to do this and to his brother's credit, he couldn't fathom cutting his brother out/letting my FIL's fit stand.  My MIL had divorced him so she took her share of their marital property when she did that.  There was no other spouse or other children in the picture.  

Sounds like your BIL is a particularly decent person.

 

[LucyStoner]

19 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

Sounds like your BIL is a particularly decent person.

 

Yes, both my BIL and husband have always been very kind to each other.  They survived a lot of hurt at home so they have always had an understanding of the other.  My FIL often tried to use money as a weapon and they each had points where their dad tried to manipulate them with it.  My husband was his dad’s golden child growing up and his big sin against his dad was telling him he wouldn’t let him control his adult life- my FIL had a problem with his college major, his career choices, his choice of wife (😂), that we dared invite my MIL and her husband to our wedding (!), and so on and so forth.  When my husband made the decision to let go of trying to placate his dad all the time, he rather expected his dad would do what he did but that no amount of money was worth having an alcoholic father think he had a right to control your life.  Ironically the few people my FIL had contact with in the months leading up to his death said that he went on and on about how proud he was of my husband for doing his own thing and making his own decisions.  At that point both his sons had moved far away and had limited contact with their dad.  Not hearing those words from his dad hurt more than any question of the estate.  Abused or neglected kids are so often desperate for that validation from their parent right to the end.  

Edited June 27, 2021 by LucyStoner

[Scarlett]

29 minutes ago, LucyStoner said:

Yes, both my BIL and husband have always been very kind to each other.  They survived a lot of hurt at home so they have always had an understanding of the other.  My FIL often tried to use money as a weapon and they each had points where their dad tried to manipulate them with it.  My husband was his dad’s golden child growing up and his big sin against his dad was telling him he wouldn’t let him control his adult life- my FIL had a problem with his college major, his career choices, his choice of wife (😂), that we dared invite my MIL and her husband to our wedding (!), and so on and so forth.  When my husband made the decision to let go of trying to placate his dad all the time, he rather expected his dad would do what he did but that no amount of money was worth having an alcoholic father think he had a right to control your life.  Ironically the few people my FIL had contact with in the months leading up to his death said that he went on and on about how proud he was of my husband for doing his own thing and making his own decisions.  At that point both his sons had moved far away and had limited contact with their dad.  Not hearing those words from his dad hurt more than any question of the estate.  Abused or neglected kids are so often desperate for that validation from their parent right to the end.  

QFT

[gardenmom5]

 

25 minutes ago, LucyStoner said:

Yes, both my BIL and husband have always been very kind to each other.  They survived a lot of hurt at home so they have always had an understanding of the other.  My FIL often tried to use money as a weapon and they each had points where their dad tried to manipulate them with it.  My husband was his dad’s golden child growing up and his big sin against his dad was telling him he wouldn’t let him control his adult life- my FIL had a problem with his college major, his career choices, his choice of wife (😂), that we dared invite my MIL and her husband to our wedding (!), and so on and so forth.  When my husband made the decision to let go of trying to placate his dad all the time, he rather expected his dad would do what he did but that no amount of money was worth having an alcoholic father think he had a right to control your life.  Ironically the few people my FIL had contact with in the months leading up to his death said that he went on and on about how proud he was of my husband for doing his own thing and making his own decisions.  At that point both his sons had moved far away and had limited contact with their dad.  Not hearing those words from his dad hurt more than any question of the estate.  Abused or neglected kids are so often desperate for that validation from their parent right to the end.  

Yeah- the worst thing someone can do with a narcissistic parent/grandparent is to refuse to play their games.  I was the scapegoat growing up - but there came a point I refused to play the game anymore.     I felt my self-respect was more valuable to me than whatever money she promised she would give me 'someday'.  she resented me for it up until she lost her marbles, and no longer knew what was going on around her.  She was also jealous that I made good choices - and her favorite/my-sister, didn't.  (it came out in a lot of competitiveness from her. we bought a house - she bought my sister a house, we bought a minivan, she bought my sister a minivan, my daughter got into a good university - my sister sent out emails to all the family about what a horrible school it was.  ding dong the witch is dead.) 

abuse and neglect change the brain.  the amygdala is bigger, and the hippocampus is smaller.

[Scarlett]

So the strangest thing happened today.  
 

All of this made Dh and I decide we have to get serious about getting a will.  Then that got me thinking about my stubborn mom and stepdad who won’t do a will.  My step sister (my step dads daughter) and I have tried to reason with them. I texted my step sister and we chatted a bit about it…..and she said, ‘well if  something happens to your mom first, I will definitely split any inheritance left after dad dies because you are my sister.’ I told her same on my end…..

About an hour later my sister texts me and says, ‘if by any chance in the future I am even given a dime, you will get half.  You are my sister and I love you dearly.’

I thought that was pretty coincidental and cool.  I know there are no guarantees, but tonight I feel content and loved.  

[Scarlett]

Has anyone used an on line will maker that they like?  Are there free ones that are reputable?  I see some for around $100, but I am not sure what we reall need.  

[annandatje]

On 4/12/2021 at 9:09 PM, Scarlett said:

I doubt it. There is a will.  My sister has to decide if she abides by the will or just turns it all over to our step mom.  She knows if she turns it over to our step mom she likely will get nothing when our step mom dies.  

This is not how it works. 

Executor is legally obligated to abide by terms of will; if he or she fails, the beneficiaries, including remaindermen, contingent and noncontingent, may sue executor.

Based upon information you have provided, sounds likely that your father's wife has is a life estate in the house that is now owned 100% by your father's estate since father was sole owner prior to his death.  In fact, your father may have set up a life estate purposefully to protect your half sister by making certain she receives proceeds from ultimate sale of house.  Whether or not to sell house is not up to surviving spouse; under scenario presented, surviving spouse is not executor.

I get impression that his estate is not large enough to justify legal fees to challenge will to include you as his child or as an additional beneficiary.  For what it's worth, I think y'all should not challenge will or attempt to alter via nonjudicial settlement agreeement or whatever mechanisms his home state alllows for dealing with such issues.  If your half sister wishes to gift you part of proceeds upon future sale of house, then she can give you whatever she considers your share at that time.  Sounds like sister wants to be equitable with you, but understand that she is limited by terms of will.

It says a lot about both you and your sister that were able to carve out sisterly relationship in spite of your father's denial of you. 

[Scarlett]

46 minutes ago, annandatje said:

This is not how it works. 

Executor is legally obligated to abide by terms of will; if he or she fails, the beneficiaries, including remaindermen, contingent and noncontingent, may sue executor.

Based upon information you have provided, sounds likely that your father's wife has is a life estate in the house that is now owned 100% by your father's estate since father was sole owner prior to his death.  In fact, your father may have set up a life estate purposefully to protect your half sister by making certain she receives proceeds from ultimate sale of house.  Whether or not to sell house is not up to surviving spouse; under scenario presented, surviving spouse is not executor.

I get impression that his estate is not large enough to justify legal fees to challenge will to include you as his child or as an additional beneficiary.  For what it's worth, I think y'all should not challenge will or attempt to alter via nonjudicial settlement agreeement or whatever mechanisms his home state alllows for dealing with such issues.  If your half sister wishes to gift you part of proceeds upon future sale of house, then she can give you whatever she considers your share at that time.  Sounds like sister wants to be equitable with you, but understand that she is limited by terms of will.

It says a lot about both you and your sister that were able to carve out sisterly relationship in spite of your father's denial of you. 

There was an update and it turns out the will left everything to our step mother.  

And yes, thank you--we are pretty proud of our sister relationship.