When did your parent/grandparent/parent(s) move to assisted living?

[DawnM]

I am trying, without success, to get my parents to consider more care.  Their facility has independent living, which they are in.   They have a small house on the grounds.  They don't have lawn care, but they have their own full place, don't have to have the meal plan,  etc....and have been there for 15 years almost.  

There are two more levels.  One is an apartment, 2 bedrooms I think, but only a kitchenette, so you must purchase the meal plan.    And then there is fully assisted nursing care.

My parents are 88 and 84.  My mom is 88 and is pretty much house bound.  She sleeps a lot and has some health issues.  Dad is 84, has some dementia, but it isn't really bad right now, but he really should not be driving.  He has also had cancer three times.  

I am not asking for advice on how to move them, or make them move, I am only asking when your loved ones (age) actually moved to either semi-assisted or full nursing care.

[MysteryJen]

My grandmothers moved to nursing home care at 88 and 94. Should have moved earlier. 

My dad moved to memory care at 80- died within a year.

[historically accurate]

So far, the only relative who has been in assisted living and/or nursing care is my FIL. He was just moved there last month after MIL decided we could no longer care for him at home. He is 84, and he is not expected to live more than a few months. 

My father died at 56 -on hospice care at home (9 months after diagnosis of cancer). My mother is 68, and she lives on her own. My grandmother died at 75 - on hospice care at home (4 years after diagnosis with cancer). My grandfather died at 89 or 90 in the hospital immediately following a fall (pneumonia). 

DH's father is the one listed above. DH's mother is living at her home at age 79; she is thinking of moving to assisted living/senior housing after FIL passes. I never knew DH's grandparents, so I don't know much about their care situations.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

My mom at 94 is still living independently but at a retirement home that gives her dinner every night in the dining hall.  So perhaps more like semi-independent living?  But my siblings and I have done some things to assist her - we pay for weekly housecleaning for her.  And now my eldest sister is going over there a couple of times a week to help out with paperwork etc.  Without my sister around she would have needed to go to assisted living a year or two ago.  My dad died at 92 - we got him caregivers but in his independent apartment to come and help him because he was wheelchair bound at the end. 

[gardenmom5]

 

it is less about age, and more about physical ability.  it sounds like your parents both need more support.

I moved my mother from her house to a condo.  no yard, smaller place, more perks.  she was there for 15 years when she started having tia's and was being forgetful, leading to double/skipping doses of rx. (and in and out of the hospital).  I tried to get her extra support while in her condo.  eventually she started falling and I finally put my foot down (she was 77) and moved her to a retirement apartment that provided meals, activities, and daily checks.  I also took away her car.  they were a great place, but didn't have medical support - which she eventually needed.  at that point, I moved her to a place that had RNs on staff, had medical support as needed, could customize meals (she had dysphagia/trouble swallowing), more activities, etc.  they could customize the level of support while the residents were in their own apartment (also had a wing with a locked unit for "memory care" to prevent wandering), they also had a wing with a more conventional nursing home beds.

my mil had been living in an apartment at sil's, and when she could no longer care for herself WITH support (93) , was becoming delusional, she was placed in a nursing home 'apartment' with medical support.  

eta: mil hadn't been driving for years and was in a wheelchair.

I think it is easier on them to move before they've really lost it, as they can become familiar with new surroundings.  if you think they need to go, it's probably time as it will only get harder as their condition deteriorates.

Edited July 23, 2019 by gardenmom5

[regentrude]

Nobody in my family ever did.

Great-grandma lived with grandma until age 95, then stroke and hospital for a few months until her death. Grandma lived independently until 91.

Other grandma lived with my parents until 93.

Aunt is 90 and lives independently with some housekeeping help. 

FIL is 90 and refused to enter a facility; he is bedridden in his own home with housekeeper and three times daily nursing visits.

Edited July 23, 2019 by regentrude

[DawnM]

Yeah, I know it is more about physical ability, but I guess because they keep saying they aren't "old" enough to be there, which I know is just their way of saying they don't want to go, is why I asked.

Sigh.

[SKL]

So far it hasn't been done in my family.  But my oldest grandma died at 87.  Other than forgetting that she'd already told someone something, she was pretty OK and living alone (but visited often by her daughter).  My folks are still in their 70s and do have help from nearby kids if they need it.

I could see moving myself into a place if it was nice and affordable.  But then, I don't have a ton of stuff to leave behind when moving to a smaller home.

[Laura Corin]

My mum moved from my home to the middle level that you describe at age 93. She was pretty mobile but just too tired to cook, wash and clean.

[Loowit]

My great-grandmother lived in an assisted living apartment as long as I knew her, but it was not a full care place.  She was 91 when she died, and had only been moved to a higher level care facility when she was 90.

My paternal grandfather stayed home until the day of his death.  He died while being transferred to a hospice facility.  He was in his mid-80s.  My paternal grandmother lived in the home until she was almost 90.  She had dementia and finally was "forced" to move to an assisted living facility because she could no longer properly take care of herself and there weren't resources to allow her to stay in her home.

My maternal grandmother was home until she was moved to hospice.  She was in her late 70s when she passed.  My maternal grandfather lived at home until he disappeared.  He was 90 when he vanished.  He would be turning 93 next month.

Neither my parents or ILs are really at the point they need assisted living.

[Janeway]

We had to move my dad in at 72 yrs old. He is one of the much younger ones there. I guess you go when you need to go. My 93 yr old grandma has not moved to assisted living.

Edited July 23, 2019 by Janeway

[TechWife]

My mom moved to assisted living at age 86.

[EmseB]

Never. Three of my grandparents have passed. One in his 70s in his sleep (he had no real health issues, it was a shock to all of us).

One at 92 after slowly deteriorating health for at least her last 15 years. It was hard on the uncle that lived with her and she should have moved to assisted living if only for his sake, but refused and it would have caused a huge family rift if she had been moved forcibly, if that even would have been possible.

One at 86 after a year of acute, sudden-onset dementia. My family was going through the hoops required to get medicare (medicaid?) to pay for her nursing home/memory care. She passed before moving, which was a mercy but also there were some really scary times with the dementia without skilled nursing care involved and just family to handle her episodes.

I guess my experience is more with people obviously needing skilled help but being too much in denial or too prideful or selfish (yes, selfish because the refusal to move or hire help means it falls to people who are often not equipped to do the work) to obtain it. And somehow all of this mentally gets categorized in the elderly person's mind as "not wanting to be a burden" on anyone, but they make decisions as if they were trying to burden everyone! It's so strange to me what happens when we age and these decisions come up. 

[Lecka]

None of my grandparents went to assisted living.

One great-grandmother went to a small apartment in assisted living when her husband died, she was on the young side, in her 70s.  She lived there for probably 20 years and had a lot of friends there.  She did not want to move into the higher level of support and I don’t think she ever did.  I think she went to live with one of her daughters at the end of her life.  

Edited — I meant great-grandmother.  

Edited July 23, 2019 by Lecka

[livetoread]

My paternal grandparents went to an independent living with step up care facility around age 85 and both died in their 90s. My folks swore they’d be in a similar facility by 80, and they are on a waiting list right now with Mom turning 80 in a few weeks. They are both in good health but saw how hard it was for my grandparents to transition in their mid 80s and decided to do it younger. I’m very grateful. 

My mil is 95, living on her own, and should have been in care years ago. It’s a significant source of stress for everyone caring for her, especially since she refuses outside help apart from family. She is the sweetest person and keeps saying she doesn’t want to be a burden, but her choices have done that anyway. 

[Katy]

A great grandmother with alzheimer's was moved against her wishes when she was 92.  She'd caused a small kitchen fire.

A few others have moved themselves to care when they decided they needed it.  One was 102, one was 98.

Everyone else died at home.

[DawnM]

I am thinking of mine and DH's parents and grandparents.

My father's parents went to an ind. place around age 60.  They moved to assisted living at 80 or so.

My mother's mother didn't ever go, she died straight from the house to the hospital with an illness.

DH's grandmothers both went to assisted living in their 90s.  

[Beth S]

One set = both 85 yo.  Other set = will both be 82 yo.
Both had large homes, filled with possessions, lived in for over 50 years, which they could not maintain.
Memory issues reached a point were it wasn't safe, in the siblings' unanimous opinions.

They've both chosen independent living apts, which transition to assisted living . . . and more, as needed.

[Moonhawk]

My nana needed assisted living the last 7-8 years of her life, but insisted on staying in her house. She finally caved to having someone non-family live with her full time (2 women, actually, each were 1 week on, 1 week off). She died at 95. 

My grandma just moved into a full time care facility last month, she is turning 98 in September. She is very despondent since this development, just a couple years ago she was still traveling on her own to visit family across the country. 

My tata had Alzheimers and had a habit of wandering off. After he went for missing for 6 hours in 110+ weather, he was moved to a full time facility. He was there 3 or 4 years before passing away. I think he was 84.

 

[PeterPan]

How are they getting groceries for meals or doing meal prep???

So the most logical, tidy thing would be to have the residence manager, social worker, nurse, whomever do an eval and decide.

We moved my dad in at 65. Age has zero to do with it. Reality is the average stay in assisted living (the apartment + meal plan option) has an average 3 year stay, just like nursing home placements. It sounds like your loved ones require more care to be clean and have meals. We moved my dad in because he could not clean and could not provide himself with meals. He was living on Arby's milkshakes and tins of tuna they donate to the vets at Christmas, and it was hard on his health. His apartment was unsanitary to the point of scary, toxic. He now lives in a nice clean assisted living apartment where he is surrounded by love, gets meals, and has a housekeeper. He also has great social as they have walking groups, go on trips, have card playing and bingo, etc. It improved his quality of life.

If the *only* issues are meals and cleaning, I think it would be less traumatic to them to hire that help and keep them where they are. They've been there quite a while and a move would be stressful at this point. The more logical move would be to complete nursing care. The move to assisted living might not be a final move as their care needs increase, meaning it might not be worth the hassle. 

You could also talk with the director where they live and see what they suggest. It's not something they're unfamiliar with. If they're able to move easily between levels of care, multiple moves in 2-3 years might not matter. You have property issues, whether they can afford to have a nursing room AND maintain the apartment if nursing care is needed for one and not the other, etc. 

Ok, so I'm having a chuckle here. I think the board could be right that the average age in my father's assisted living is high 80s, early 90s. And it's surprising how ACTIVE the people are! They tend to mother him because he's so much younger, young enough to be their sons. And nobody hits on him, even though he's single. I have no clue how much that goes on otherwise. 

[DoraBora]

One grandmother moved to a regular nursing home at 88.  She had dementia.

The other moved to a locked unit at 83.  She had Alzheimer's.

(I guess I really didn't answer your question.  Neither went to AL.  My parents were assisted living until they could no longer do it.  Mom had bone cancer and dad had to work.)

Edited July 24, 2019 by DoraBora

[DawnM]

1 hour ago, PeterPan said:

How are they getting groceries for meals or doing meal prep???

So the most logical, tidy thing would be to have the residence manager, social worker, nurse, whomever do an eval and decide.

We moved my dad in at 65. Age has zero to do with it. Reality is the average stay in assisted living (the apartment + meal plan option) has an average 3 year stay, just like nursing home placements. It sounds like your loved ones require more care to be clean and have meals. We moved my dad in because he could not clean and could not provide himself with meals. He was living on Arby's milkshakes and tins of tuna they donate to the vets at Christmas, and it was hard on his health. His apartment was unsanitary to the point of scary, toxic. He now lives in a nice clean assisted living apartment where he is surrounded by love, gets meals, and has a housekeeper. He also has great social as they have walking groups, go on trips, have card playing and bingo, etc. It improved his quality of life.

If the *only* issues are meals and cleaning, I think it would be less traumatic to them to hire that help and keep them where they are. They've been there quite a while and a move would be stressful at this point. The more logical move would be to complete nursing care. The move to assisted living might not be a final move as their care needs increase, meaning it might not be worth the hassle. 

You could also talk with the director where they live and see what they suggest. It's not something they're unfamiliar with. If they're able to move easily between levels of care, multiple moves in 2-3 years might not matter. You have property issues, whether they can afford to have a nursing room AND maintain the apartment if nursing care is needed for one and not the other, etc. 

Ok, so I'm having a chuckle here. I think the board could be right that the average age in my father's assisted living is high 80s, early 90s. And it's surprising how ACTIVE the people are! They tend to mother him because he's so much younger, young enough to be their sons. And nobody hits on him, even though he's single. I have no clue how much that goes on otherwise. 

My dad still drives to the grocery store.  He shuffles around once he gets there and it ends up being a 2 hour trip!

They have one meal per day in the dining hall, but they bring it back to their house, literally across the street.   And they usually share it because it is quite a bit of food.  Then they have a large salad for dinner, my dad spends a lot of time chopping every day and I think he actually really enjoys it!  They typically don't eat breakfast.

Sometimes they go to a FF place and stock up.   When I arrived they had 15 burritos from Taco Bell in the fridge to heat up.  There was a "deal!"  hahaha!

They have someone come in once a week and help clean.  They are pretty good with keeping up with min. cleaning.

The directors there think they are doing well overall and are allowing them to choose when they move.  My parents are well liked and respected there, I don't see any of them actually forcing it at this point, maybe if it gets bad.  I just really worry.

 

[Anne]

My parents are 83 and 89.  Still live in their own home with no care other than a biweekly cleaner.  Still driving....

My grandfathers died without ever going into any kind of care, one grandmother died at home and the other was in a nursing home beginning in her mid-80s.

Anne

Edited July 24, 2019 by Anne

[PeterPan]

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

My dad still drives to the grocery store.  He shuffles around once he gets there and it ends up being a 2 hour trip!

He's amazing!!!

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

 I just really worry.

So are they wearing call buttons? That's the main thing. It sounds like for now they're alert enough to deal with things in the structure they have. A move would be exceptionally traumatic. So in the apartment style assisted living everyone (at least where my dad is) has call buttons. I don't know whether they require them at cottages like your parents'. I think it would be totally reasonable for you to ask them each to wear some kind of call button. You could also put a device like an amazon show (I have no clue, haven't used it), something Alexa-enabled, and they could just say "Call DawnM!" and it would call you. For real. As long as they can get help, sounds like everything else is pretty solid. My dad just used his call button this weekend. You wouldn't think someone so young would need it, but things happen and happen all of a sudden.

Do you think they need something else? Intellectual stimulation? Respite from caring for the other? Intellectual stimulation is one of the great things about living in the apartment set-up. 

[Shellydon]

76

[Arctic Bunny]

I am going through this right now, only it’s my step-father, and my side of the family seems to be the only ones concerned. When the 12 & 14 yos think something should be done before you fall down the stairs.... but he won’t get a stair lift, won’t move. Is putting my mom in the position of selling the house if she wants to, swoon...

I think that my mom would really enjoy a senior’s place. People to visit with, etc. No shovelling or mowing, no cleaning 3 stories, no calling the ambulance after he goes down the stairs, or falls in the shower, or at the toilet.

He is 84, she is 72.

 

[J-rap]

I've learned that my siblings and I can't force my parents to make these changes!  In our state, we have independent senior living within a community (often with options like meals in a shared dining area); assisted living where you still live fairly independently but have the opportunity to pick and choose more help -- it might be a nurse who comes in twice/day, all meals, etc.;  or full-time skilled nursing care (traditional nursing home help).  

For some people, living independently but with part-time hired help (usually independent of the senior community they're in) is another alternative.  The hired help might come in and check on them daily, arrange meds, do some chores, even help them get dressed in the morning and again at night.  It might be two hours in the morning and two hours at night, for example.  I wonder if your parents would be open to that?  In reality it's similar to assisted living, but they're still in an "independent living" unit and it may be less expensive.

My own parents are 91 years old.  They were just thinking of moving to independent living within a senior community when my mother had a stroke, just last year.  It was severe, and she will not make it home again.  She's in skilled nursing care for now.  There's a chance that if my father moved into a senior community apartment, they could be in the "assisted living" wing.  My dad would still be independent, but someone from the senior community would check in on my mother regularly and assist as needed, probably help her up in the morning and get her dressed, check on her once or twice during the day, and then get her ready for bed at night.  My dad would do the rest, in-between.  If he couldn't keep up with that routine, then my mother would need full-time skilled nursing.

[MysteryJen]

I wanted to add, my dmil (83) moved to independent living last February. It's a place with step-down care, but she is fully independent now.  Everything went well- mostly because she was the one in charge of the move. She realized that having people come in to help her with house things, the occasional driving, and driving all the time for everything was both exhausting and burdensome for others. She has a horror of being a burden and realized that she can be independent, if she has a safety net. 

My mother is 78 and refuses to consider moving. She thinks that my siblings and I should do everything to help keep her in the house. The house has hugely appreciated and represents plenty of money to get her through the next 25 years. But she won't consider it. The house is not an "age-in-place" home. In fact, one fall that results in a broken bone in her leg or hip means a rehab center because it would require full-time care upstairs. 

My mother would love the social swirl of a retirement center (with step down care) and she can afford several nice places (just not the one she wants).  I am hoping that by 80/81 she will realize that keeping the house is preventing her from truly enjoying her last years.

But until then, the mantra is, "you need to hire that out, Mom." 

[DoraBora]

2 hours ago, MysteryJen said:

My mother is 78 and refuses to consider moving. She thinks that my siblings and I should do everything to help keep her in the house. The house has hugely appreciated and represents plenty of money to get her through the next 25 years. But she won't consider it. The house is not an "age-in-place" home. In fact, one fall that results in a broken bone in her leg or hip means a rehab center because it would require full-time care upstairs. 

My mother would love the social swirl of a retirement center (with step down care) and she can afford several nice places (just not the one she wants).  I am hoping that by 80/81 she will realize that keeping the house is preventing her from truly enjoying her last years.

But until then, the mantra is, "you need to hire that out, Mom." 

The thing that finally convinced my mom to move was a massive hail storm that destroyed her roof the second time in two years.  That second storm also broke all the windows on one side of her house.  She had insurance, but when everyone is clamoring for repair people, it is a huge hassle, and there was the deductible to meet.  (She has a good income, but large amounts of cash are a hardship.)

She couldn't afford to stay in her house anyway and didn't want to live with my siblings or me.  It surprised me that she was willing to move to an Independent Living place, but she did.  I think it has been great for her.