Are teen girls just idiots?

[MaBelle]

My girls went from small adults to big adults.   There was no "teenage" crap involved.  Minimal and I mean very minimal drama, then they were grown and that was it.

My niece. 17, was here with a friend of hers, 18 for 24 hours of trail riding.  The friend is an idiot.  Just an idiot.  She had a bunch of stupid questions about our small town lifestyle that I just ignored, figured it was just "I'm a city girl, aren't I cute knowing nothing about small towns??"

Then at lunch she started asking me and dh all sorts of impertinent questions about being married.  I finally said "This is none of your business.  You really ought to think about what you say before it comes pouring out of your mouth.  Count to ten before you start to talk."  Mind you, I met this girl yesterday.  WTH??  She looked at me like I was a unicorn.

I think maybe equal parts of stupid and "I'm cute" syndrome.  She's lucky I held back, I'd been biting my lip all day yesterday.

[Scarlett]

Yikes. She asked personal questions about your marriage. ? How weird !

[catz]

Meh - that sounds more like a case of "my parents and friends are extremely tolerant of verbal diarrhea."   I have met adults that are very similar for that matter.  Or maybe she possibly has some issue (diagnosed or undiagnosed) with picking up social cues and boundaries.  Or maybe she has self confidence issues and feels like she has to put an act on when she's somewhere new and doesn't have a good filter.  Some kids shut down and don't talk.  Some kids can't stop talking.  

I don't know, you sound pretty judgmental too.  It's fine to tell her it's none of her business or even to decide you've had enough and call for their ride.  I just don't get hate for a minor you really just met.   Most kids don't go from small adults to big adults so consider yourself lucky.   I don't have a lot of patience for that kind of thing either but I tend to feel more sympathetic that someone is struggling socially than irritated.  

Edited July 19, 2019 by FuzzyCatz

[Pawz4me]

No, all teen girls are NOT idiots or awful to be around. That particular individual certainly sounds as if she has issues of some sort, though. One of my best friend's granddaughters is, I am very much afraid, headed in the same direction. My take there is that a huge part of the problem is an overly indulgent family who treats her awfulness as cute/funny when it most certainly isn't.

[Carrie12345]

I have very little internal patience for “silly girl” obnoxiousness, but I work really hard on the outward patience.  Snapping at a young stranger seems over the top to me.

Most of the teenage girls I spend time with tend to lean over-mature, which irks me just as much as the flighty ones.  But they’re great kids and there’s no reason for me to be mean to them.

[Guest]

What sort of “stupid questions” about small town life? Maybe it’s outside of her experience and she simply does not know. 

[Selkie]

Wait, what were the impertinent questions? I'm trying to imagine what she could have asked!

[SquirrellyMama]

Unless she was asking how many times a week you brew TeA (is that how we spell it) I can't think of much that would warrant such a response.

Maybe you should count to 100 before you respond next time.

I live in a small town in a state that gets all sorts of stupid questions. I don't ignore people. I answer them and ask about where they're from.

Edited July 19, 2019 by SquirrellyMama

[happi duck]

People are just different.  No generalizations or judgements needed.  People are just different.

[Guest]

As a mom of a 14 yr old, my first response to your title was “Yes, yes, they are”. Because honestly, DD and all her teen teammates and friends and my teen piano students have “idiot” moments that seem like something out of “Clueless” or one of those other ‘80’s teen movies. Even the ones who also are extremely smart and socially aware and are great with their younger siblings and responsible at their part time jobs or volunteer work. I think it just is part of not being fully adult, but not getting the social pass younger kids do.

 

I woipd tend to read that as a teen who perhaps has people around her who overshare a bit and who was uncomfortable and trying to find something to say, so stuck her foot in her mouth. She is probably just as competent and delightful as my DD, her friends, my students and her teammates can all be once you get to know her. 

Edited July 19, 2019 by dmmetler

[sheryl]

I don't get what the problem is. I read OP post only.  If she's only asking about marriage in general, I think it's a good question she's asking.  "How long have you been married?"  "What has been the biggest surprise in marriage that you didn't realize on your wedding day?"  If it's deeply personal, then no.  "How many times do you have s** each day/week, etc?"  

 

[Heatherwith4]

Yeah, I’m curious to know what some of the questions were - that is, if you feel like sharing them.  

[marbel]

Wouldn't it have been better to answer the friend's questions (the appropriate, if stupid, ones) rather than ignoring them? Maybe she wanted to learn something about small town life?  Of course not knowing the types of questions, it's hard to know if they were stupid and impertinent to others. Certainly it's easy enough to refuse to answer certain questions.

I don't know, there are so many ways this could go. Maybe she was nervous, as others have said, and just felt the need to fill silence.  Maybe someone told her that being a good conversationalist means asking lots of questions. 

Maybe your own daughters were very unusual and you are not used to more typical behavior and thus see the difference as a negative.  I think in general in situations like these, the adult should show more tolerance to the younger person and give guidance as appropriate.   

Edited July 19, 2019 by marbel

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sounds like a severe lack of grace on the part of the OP.  I hope that girl has some nicer adults in her life. 

[Tanaqui]

I, too, am wondering what sort of questions a. about small town life and b. about your personal life were so bad - "stupid" and "impertinent" - that they merit this harsh response.

I also don't understand, if they were that bad, why you didn't say something like "That's a really personal question" before bringing out the big guns.

[Clemsondana]

My husband and I are both from the south, and we've experienced this twice - once in college, and once in grad school.  Both times we were socializing with people who had lived their whole lives in NY (one in various boroughs of NYC, the other in...Rochester?  I don't remember now).  It was a bizarre stream of questions - Do you have cows as neighbors?  If you went to a friend's place to socialize, what would it be like - what time would you go, what would you do, what time would you leave?  Do you like fried chicken?  

In grad school, most of my co-workers were newly arrived from other countries.  Once we developed a rapport, we asked all sorts of 'inappropriate,  insensitive' questions to learn about the others' country.  There was much laughing.  It had a different vibe than being treated as an anthropological specimen by somebody you met 15 minutes ago...I mean, you could have the same discussion with an acquaintance, but when there's a lot of incredulity, it comes off as condescending.  I think it was authentic - the NYC guy had literally never been anywhere that wasn't a major city, traveling by plane - NYC, Chicago, LA - so despite being very cosmopolitan, the fact that I had lived in small towns and small cities in 6 states, visited several large cities, and traveled between them by car, meant that I actually had a greater grasp of 'people live differently, because life looks different when a small population can't sustain 24/7 businesses, some work needs to be done before it gets hot, having a house with a yard is a different lifestyle than an apartment with amenities, etc.  

[MaBelle]

No, I won't get into the questions she asked.  Deeply personal and completely out of line.  My niece seemed very  embarrassed by her behavior.  She got plenty of grace from me and just kept it up.  As for hating her, who said anything about hating her?  

I did answer her questions all day yesterday and last night.  Just not this afternoon.  I am not on the Dr. Phil show.

And if all the adults in her life think she's cute perhaps it's not such a bad thing that she was  called on her behavior.

Edited July 19, 2019 by MaBelle

[fairfarmhand]

Op, consider yourself lucky that your kids missed that irritating stage.

My son asked about a eggy spatula on the counter “did someone pee on this spatula?”

I said “what? Do you really think someone around here pees on kitchen utensils?”

He replied with all seriousness, “it could happen.” 

So your expectations could be a little off.

however, I do know how obnoxious and condescending some teens can be. And it’s idiotic. Also if they learned that it’s ok to take snide pot shots if they act clueless, they may be trying to be funny and it’s falling flat. I have a relative who thinks it’s hilarious to take snide potshots about homeschooling to our family, thinking she’s funny. Like she said to my dd things like “But you wouldn’t know about having friends since you’re homeschooled. “ high pitched stupid laughter. 

So if that’s what you’re facing op, you have my sympathy. I had some west coast people around and their arrogance and rudeness were astonishing. (Not all west coasters are like this, but their preconceived notions were clearly obvious. It felt really good to upend their assumptions.)

 

 

[MaBelle]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

 

 

however, I do know how obnoxious and condescending some teens can be. And it’s idiotic. Also if they learned that it’s ok to take snide pot shots if they act clueless, they may be trying to be funny and it’s falling flat. I have a relative who thinks it’s hilarious to take snide potshots about homeschooling to our family, thinking she’s funny. Like she said to my dd things like “But you wouldn’t know about having friends since you’re homeschooled. “ high pitched stupid laughter. 

So if that’s what you’re facing op, you have my sympathy. I had some west coast people around and their arrogance and rudeness were astonishing. (Not all west coasters are like this, but their preconceived notions were clearly obvious. It felt really good to upend their assumptions.)

 

 

This exactly.  I'd had enough rude behavior at that point.

[MaBelle]

She was getting into bedroom issues.

Edited July 19, 2019 by MaBelle

[Farrar]

So... was she actually mocking you from the get go? I can understand your response if that's the case. 

When I was young, I had a few experiences (all in California, ugh) with people who were like, oh, you're from THE SOUTH, and then proceeded to ask mocking, obnoxious questions implying that I had probably never heard of, well, anything. And that I was likely a complete hick. I was like, I lived in the suburbs, I went to one of the best high schools in the country, my high school has lots of immigrants and a diversity of religions, my friends like to go out for Indian buffet and listen to indie rock... whatever you're picturing "the south" to be, you're really off.

In general, your opening question feels annoying though. I mean, teenagers in general have impaired decision making and issues with putting their filters on and if yours were perfect, you should recognize that you drew the lottery. But most teenagers aren't like what you're describing and I think you know that. Just like small town people aren't like whatever weird stereotype this girl imagined.

[Laurie]

1 minute ago, MaBelle said:

She was getting into bedroom issues.

It would be rude enough to ask you, but to do this in the presence of your husband....oh my goodness.   People can call me old-fashioned, a pearl-clutcher, or whatever, but I still believe that there are some things you just shouldn't discuss in mixed company, if at all.    If she thinks this is appropriate conversation with her friend's aunt and uncle/her host and hostess, then she was long overdue for a rude awakening!!! 

 

[MaBelle]

7 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

I am curious if you ever once said anything like "Oh come on now, you don't really believe the kids all drive tractors to school every day, lets stop with the off the wall questions" or "That's really a personal question and I will not answer questions like that."

 

I tried that approach.

[MaBelle]

And yes, I'm fully aware my girls are not the norm.  They're pretty close to perfect.  The boys aren't bad either.  I've been tremendously blessed in the kid/kid in law department.  Perhaps that's why I have issues with rudeness, impertinence and condescending teens.

[fairfarmhand]

It’s not “teen boys or girls are idiots” it’s more “this person has poor manners.” Which can be true of anyone. 

My son is 11 and can be pretty....eleven...clueless. Sigh. But he’s not rude like that.

[I talk to the trees]

14 minutes ago, MaBelle said:

And yes, I'm fully aware my girls are not the norm.  They're pretty close to perfect.  The boys aren't bad either.  I've been tremendously blessed in the kid/kid in law department.  Perhaps that's why I have issues with rudeness, impertinence and condescending teens.

 

I'm in the same boat with my dd. The best way I know of to describe it is that she was born an “old soul.”  From early childhood, she was a deep thInker, and never went through a ditzy girl phase or a bratty/ rebellious phase. I was just blessed with the world's easiest child! Even teaching co-op classes to other homeschoolers, (I guess I expected more from them for whatever reason) I was often left shaking my head at the poor behavior. 

[Tanaqui]

Okay, well, if you tried other ways of telling this kid to knock it off and then she still moved on to deeply personal questions about your private life then she's really unbearably rude and I completely understand the big guns now.

[SereneHome]

50 minutes ago, MaBelle said:

And yes, I'm fully aware my girls are not the norm.  They're pretty close to perfect.  The boys aren't bad either.  I've been tremendously blessed in the kid/kid in law department.  Perhaps that's why I have issues with rudeness, impertinence and condescending teens.  PEOPLE!!

Bc I see that kind of behaviour enough from adults as well.  I don't know if it's a cultural thing or a generational thing or what, but I am utterly flabbergasted at the things people ask and say in the most inappropriate of circumstances.

OP,  I don't see a problem in how you handled that "guest".  There is being a gracious host and there is allowing someone to be a rude guest in your home.....

 

 

[catz]

I do think starting a thread that says "Are teen girls idiots" is inflammatory. Obviously this kid has some sort of issues and you were right to lay down a clear boundary.  I'd honestly pass that along to niece's mom or the kid's mom if possible.  

I have one of those old soul kids and they can be plenty annoying.  LOL.  The straight man know it all isn't always fun to have around.  They giggly dramatic kid I have has a different set of issues.  Some kids just have more struggles than others.  I don't know any teens that are actually close to perfect.  

[gardenmom5]

nosy and gossipy little old ladies are known for asking those types of questions too.

[LMD]

3 hours ago, dmmetler said:

As a mom of a 14 yr old, my first response to your title was “Yes, yes, they are”.

 

😂 Yes exactly.

I adore my 14 year old daughter, but the answer is still yes. She's just like I was at 14... 😳

[Guest]

1 hour ago, SereneHome said:

Bc I see that kind of behaviour enough from adults as well.  I don't know if it's a cultural thing or a generational thing or what, but I am utterly flabbergasted at the things people ask and say in the most inappropriate of circumstances.

OP,  I don't see a problem in how you handled that "guest".  There is being a gracious host and there is allowing someone to be a rude guest in your home.....

 

 

Not to hijack, but I have had the other thing happen - a person I met hours ago discloses a bunch of TMI stuff and I’m left like, “I wanted to know that why?” I do not like quick intimacy. You’ve gotta exchange a lot of recipes and book suggestions with me before I feel like maybe we can “get real.” Like, for years. 

[Guest]

56 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

nosy and gossipy little old ladies are known for asking those types of questions too.

Or my SIL. But - same thing. 

[SereneHome]

1 minute ago, Quill said:

Not to hijack, but I have had the other thing happen - a person I met hours ago discloses a bunch of TMI stuff and I’m left like, “I wanted to know that why?” I do not like quick intimacy. You’ve gotta exchange a lot of recipes and book suggestions with me before I feel like maybe we can “get real.” Like, for years. 

 

Yes!!!  That's what I was referring to - it seems that we, as a society or generation or American culture or something....just so so want / need to be open about everything??  And of course, it turn, we feel like everyone should be open with us.  About everything!!!

 

[MaBelle]

When I had my shoulder surgery a checker at Walmart would sometimes help me out.  She was young and on the way to the parking lot gave me intimate details of tea sessions with her dh.  I was horrified and finally said "Honey, you need to stop talking right now."  I avoid her lane at all costs now.

[Ausmumof3]

5 hours ago, Quill said:

Not to hijack, but I have had the other thing happen - a person I met hours ago discloses a bunch of TMI stuff and I’m left like, “I wanted to know that why?” I do not like quick intimacy. You’ve gotta exchange a lot of recipes and book suggestions with me before I feel like maybe we can “get real.” Like, for years. 

For me the book suggestions would be the hidden intimate real me.  

[MaBelle]

On July 19, 2019 at 9:54 PM, Indigo Blue said:

I've been here awhile and have read many of your posts. You don't seem like a mean person. Very straightforward and to the point but not mean. The girl must have been really annoying to have made you react like that. It may or may not have upset her at the time, but she may look back on that day in the distant future and learn something positive from it as she reflects on your words. Those very straightforward and to the point words may have an impact on her someday.

Well, from flirting shamelessly with my married sons, trying to run off my grandchildren so I could be at her disposal, asking how much land and cattle we owned, wondering if our house was haunted, endless cuts about small towns, snapping at my niece over what she was going to eat and where she was going to sleep, the bedroom questions really were the last straw for me.

[gardenmom5]

7 minutes ago, MaBelle said:

Well, from flirting shamelessly with my married sons, trying to run off my grandchildren so I could be at her disposal, asking how much land and cattle we owned, wondering if our house was haunted, endless cuts about small towns, snapping at my niece over what she was going to eat and where she was going to sleep, the bedroom questions really were the last straw for me.

I'm curious to why this led you to ask if ALL teen girls were like this, as opposed to this particular girl desperately needing a reality check as to acceptable behavior.

 

[catz]

7 minutes ago, WendyAndMilo said:

I took the title to be tongue-in-cheek, hyperbole from someone who was exasperated.  Do you really think she thinks ALL teen girls are idiots?

Well when the posts starts with saying her own kids were essentially perfect and you use the word "all" I don't think it's surprising it pushed some buttons. I'm surprised poor behavior from one particular teen led to such a dramatic public post.  If I started posting every time I had an odd or negative interaction or 12 with a teen, I'd be posting constantly.  Teens brains are still percolating and yes they do and say stupid stuff sometimes.  It's great to shut down an interaction if they're being obnoxious.  Maybe the OP let it go on too long if it felt this heated. Posting a straight up vent packaged in an over dramatic hyperbolic question, about someone else's minor child just feels wrong to to me.  

As someone who has worked with many groups of tweens and teens and young adults over many years, many parents who brag about their kid's maturity levels are generally the ones who have kids with no self awareness when they're bothering other people or they actively avoid interacting with other people.  Possibly while maturely rolling their eyes and being irritated about other people existing.  And any insinuation their kid might have some work to do is met with defense and resistance.  I also find some people with older/adult kids have selective memory.  My mom has told me how perfect I was many times.  I was very much like my teen daughter who is far from perfect.  I was also a perfect baby and toddler.  LOL.

I stand by the statement the OP was inflammatory.  It sounds like this kid needs help and guidance.  Hope she gets it.  

 

[Pronghorn]

I wonder what the niece sees in this friend. Perhaps in some situations she is a great kid. I wonder if a conversation with your niece would give you a fuller understanding and better tolerance.

My child is an easy teen but was very difficult as a child. I am sure she irritated many people. Her own grandmother criticised her behavior constantly, instead of celebrating the progress we made. I wanted to tell people that my daughter had to work way harder than most kids to achieve good behavior! Sometimes I did tell them that! And, of course, I had to work twice as hard too.

My daughter's experience and my own challenges in social situations make me very tolerant. I would either suggest using humor or being calmly direct. I would be thankful that this child was not mine. Maybe I would even pray for her.

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, WendyAndMilo said:

I took the title to be tongue-in-cheek, hyperbole from someone who was exasperated.  Do you really think she thinks ALL teen girls are idiots?

if she hadn't started off with how perfect her own daughters were.....

2 hours ago, Seasider too said:

 

I’ve read posts here long enough to “hear” the voice of the regulars, as I imagine them. After years of reading the posts of MaBelle (and her previous iterations), I heard this remark (thread title) in her voice and manner, and in no way did I take it to mean she actually believes all teen girls are idiots, just that at least one had tripped her trigger. She’s clarified the reasons for that.  

as has been mentioned by others... see above.  she opened that can of worms herself.

2 hours ago, FuzzyCatz said:

Well when the posts starts with saying her own kids were essentially perfect and you use the word "all" I don't think it's surprising it pushed some buttons. I'm surprised poor behavior from one particular teen led to such a dramatic public post.   

I stand by the statement the OP was inflammatory.  It sounds like this kid needs help and guidance.  Hope she gets it.  

 

this.

[gardenmom5]

44 minutes ago, Pronghorn said:

I wonder what the niece sees in this friend. Perhaps in some situations she is a great kid. I wonder if a conversation with your niece would give you a fuller understanding and better tolerance.

My child is an easy teen but was very difficult as a child. I am sure she irritated many people. Her own grandmother criticised her behavior constantly, instead of celebrating the progress we made. I wanted to tell people that my daughter had to work way harder than most kids to achieve good behavior! Sometimes I did tell them that! And, of course, I had to work twice as hard too.

My daughter's experience and my own challenges in social situations make me very tolerant. I would either suggest using humor or being calmly direct. I would be thankful that this child was not mine. Maybe I would even pray for her.

I had one like that.  if people so much as looked at her - she'd scream. myself, dh, my mother and a friend for whom I babysat were the only ones allowed.  everyone else - she made her opinion known.

as a teen - she was a joy to have  around.  those who didn't know her as a very small child have a hard time picturing her that way.  (some I've referred to others for verification)

[gardenmom5]

2 minutes ago, WendyAndMilo said:

Did something get edited because I didn't read the word "all" anywhere, nor did I read that her daughters were perfect.  Oh well.

I just looked - yep.  she edited it.

[catz]

35 minutes ago, WendyAndMilo said:

How can you tell?  The normal edited remark is missing from her first post for me.

It was definitely edited.  

[MaBelle]

23 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

I'm curious to why this led you to ask if ALL teen girls were like this, as opposed to this particular girl desperately needing a reality check as to acceptable behavior.

 

 

I would say that obviously this is not the first one I've run into like this.  The teen girls I know that have any manners and sense are in a vast minority.  Exaggeration to make a point.  Called hyperbole.  Curiosity satisfied?

EDIT to add- wouldn't you say that she did get the desperately needed reality check?  I certainly thought so.

Edited July 22, 2019 by MaBelle

[MaBelle]

7 hours ago, WendyAndMilo said:

I took the title to be tongue-in-cheek, hyperbole from someone who was exasperated.  Do you really think she thinks ALL teen girls are idiots?

You beat me to it!  

Edited July 21, 2019 by MaBelle

[MaBelle]

3 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

I don't feel that the words MaBelle used were out of line. She didn't say anything offensive or abusive. She may have said it in a composed but stern way. She may have shown irritation. That's okay. We're allowed to do that if we feel it's necessary. It's what you say and how you say it that counts, and if MaBelle said to think before you talk, there's no harm done. If the girl was really being that obnoxious, she probably needed to hear someone say that.

The girl could have great parents. Or maybe she wasn't taught better. Either way, she's old enough to know better and make her own choices. When this sort of thing happens in a classroom, you have angry parents demanding that something be done.

 I've been around young people that really floored me with their selfishness and inconsiderate behavior. But I see the same stuff in someone whose 30, 46, and 75. Should we show grace because someone is younger? I think so. We all remember how we were when we were younger. But an almost 18 year old who is being obnoxious in my home over a period of time and on so many levels?     ....hmmmm....MAYBE I wouldn't say what Mabelle did because I probably wouldn't have the nerve. But I would be thinking it and getting inwardly angry. It's probably better that something was said, honestly. Now that I think about it, I remember a time when my older son had someone over...maybe around age 11 or 12. That boys said something really disrespectful and smartypants to me for no good reason. I didn't say a word, but I remember thinking that he wouldn't be coming over to my house anymore after that day. 

We post when we get upset about things. The girl will never know that or be harmed by that. Op was venting. Just my opinion. But I completely and totally respect others views.

You are very gracious.  Obviously my style pushes buttons.  I don't care.   The oldies here who know me, know me.  

[MaBelle]

5 hours ago, WendyAndMilo said:

Did something get edited because I didn't read the word "all" anywhere, nor did I read that her daughters were perfect.  Oh well.

If I edited it was a spelling error.  I think it's funny that this post is being dissected so diligently.

ETA- attention here, an edit!!  I'm not sure I said my dds were perfect, just extremely low drama.

Edited July 21, 2019 by MaBelle

[MaBelle]

HEY!  I thought my original post title had the word "All" in it too!  What happened.   I stand by the addition of the word ALL to my title.

This is becoming way more fun than I could have ever imagined.

[Ottakee]

3 hours ago, MaBelle said:

You are very gracious.  Obviously my style pushes buttons.  I don't care.   The oldies here who know me, know me.  

You know, I was thinking, I still like MaBelle....from way back.  Maybe a bit blunt but caring.