Oh Lordy help me. Wedding planning is not my thing

[lynn]

Wedding dress shopping is not my thing.   My daughter in law to be wants every female in family to go with her wedding dress shopping.  Lets just say its just my daughter and I on sons side and 10plus on her side.  I get a long with them but it's not something I enjoy, at all.  For my wedding I told mother what I wanted and she planned the rest, I was in school full time and working and my fiance was working, traveling etc..  My sister, mom and I went to JcPenney to look at wedding dresses, they had a nice bridal department back then.  I did go dress shopping a couple of times with friends and did the bridesmaid thing several times but it is not something I enjoy.   I am such an introvert so being with a group women I hardly know is not something I look forward to kwim.  Is this is a suck it up buttercup thing  or can I say  "sweetie, enjoy this time with your family"

[fairfarmhand]

Can you go for a portion of the planned time? Like if she plans all day, you can meet her for lunch and shop for an hour and then slip away. Just mention that “my schedule is busy, id love to do the whole thing but really important something is on the schedule and i can only do part of the day. Love you to pieces can’t wait for the wedding!”

[sassenach]

Suck it up, Buttercup! Said with love and sympathy. I think you should definitely go.

[happi duck]

I think it would be kind to go.  As an in-law, you aren't going to be actually making any decisions or offering strong opinions, just be a friendly face and a supportive presence.

Introverts get exhausted by people, right?  So you have time to plan alone time before and after plus making sure you have some caffeine or something to help you stay alert if need be.

Eta: I vote to go the whole time.  You want your dil to feel valued that you put her on your calendar and kept that date open for her.

Edited April 19, 2019 by happi duck

[HS Mom in NC]

What has she got planned?  One or two bridal shops for a couple of hours each or is she going to every. freaking. shop. there is in her area so she can play pretty pretty princess dress up doll diva? I've known those brides who do to half a dozen shops. I would suck it up for 1-2 at 1.5 -2 hours each, but I would not do more than that.  Sorry, Princess.  If you didn't get playing dress up out of your system by the time you're an adult, it's not my job to oooh and aaahh while you attempt to fill any emotional voids from childhood.

[Selkie]

I would feel exactly like you do, and I would grit my teeth and go. Then I would need a day of peace and quiet at home in order to recover!🙂

[HS Mom in NC]

Just now, happysmileylady said:

Oh, yes, for sure if she's planning a full day of hitting multiple stores, where she's occuping your time for like 6 to 8 hours or something crazy like that....um no.  

I haven't ever known anyone like that IRL though, only seen it in movies 🙂  Everyone I have dress shopped with IRL, they have hit like 2 stores....on different days...so only like an hour or two at a time.  

My mother (floral designer) and one of my aunts (wedding coordinator) have bride stories.  You'd be amazed at what some brides expect of friends and family. And I've personally known a few brides who do this kind of thing.
 

[PeachyDoodle]

As much as I -- like you -- find this kind of thing absolutely agonizing, I vote suck it up.

Look at it this way: She loves and values you enough to include you in what for her is an extremely special day. 

[sassenach]

41 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Oh, yes, for sure if she's planning a full day of hitting multiple stores, where she's occuping your time for like 6 to 8 hours or something crazy like that....um no.  

I haven't ever known anyone like that IRL though, only seen it in movies 🙂  Everyone I have dress shopped with IRL, they have hit like 2 stores....on different days...so only like an hour or two at a time.  

A dress shop lady told me that the vast majority of brides fall in love within the first 3 dresses. So I think even when they plan to make it an all day affair, it rarely is. 

[BakersDozen]

Quote

I get a long with them but it's not something I enjoy, at all. 

Honestly, I'd (gently) say that this isn't about what you do/do not enjoy. As someone whose daughter married "out" of the family (I lost a daughter instead of gaining a son) and whose son-in-law does everything to keep us out of their lives, I would be over the moon delighted to receive an invite to such a day/event. Trying on wedding dresses is so far beyond playing dress up. I clearly remember when my older sister tried on her first dress - my mom, sister and I were in tears. It was really special and worth the hours it took to find The Dress. So I say go, stay the whole time, and send a lovely thank you note afterward to your future daughter-in-law.

Also, had I invited my mil to go w/me when it was my turn she would have said 'no', and that still hurts my heart even 23 years later.

[teachermom2834]

I already know this is going to be hard for me when my time comes. My oldest three are boys and I just am not wired for all the fuss. I am a very practical person (to a fault, I have realized) and having grown up without much and struggled raising my kids...I think I am just a very serious person and this seems like overkill and silliness to me. Why does every single event have to be a major production inspired by Pinterest and social media worthy???

BUT- I am going to do it. I am going to smile and gush and remember I am just the MIL. I am already telling myself it is my issue and I have to get over myself. There is nothing wrong with having fun and making a fuss and making memories and bonding with your people. 

(But I totally think you are right and it doesn’t sound fun!)

Edited April 19, 2019 by teachermom2834

[Kassia]

3 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

I already know this is going to be hard for me when my time comes. My oldest three are boys and I just am not wired for all the fuss. I am a very practical person (to a fault, I have realized) and having grown up without much and struggled raising my kids...I think I am just a very serious person and this seems like overkill and silliness to me. Why does every single event have to be a major production inspired by Pinterest and social media worthy???

BUT- I am going to do it. I am going to smile and gush and remember I am just the MIL. I am already telling myself it is my issue and I have to get over myself. There is nothing wrong with having fun and making a fuss and making memories and bonding with your people. 

(But I totally think you are right and it doesn’t sound fun!)

 

I could have written this word for word.  

[mumto2]

It’s a suck it up situation.  Go, put a smile on your face, and take your Dd along.  Try to forget you don’t like shopping for that day and say positive things all day long.

I would never have invited my mil shopping for my wedding dress so consider it an honor.  If I am invited I will make sure to attend. 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

It's a suck it up Buttercup thing.

This is a thing now.  I blame those TV shows about saying yes to the dress.

I'd go, I'd smile, I'd bring a little champagne and some nice plastic flutes in a picnic backpack or a rolling carryon, and I'd take pictures.  Once the dress was picked I'd propose a toast to the most beautiful bride EVER, and we would be friends for life.  Or at least cordial from then on.  This is a special bonding opportunity, don't miss it.

[Forget-Me-Not]

Suck it up Buttercup.  Go.  Be grateful she's including you and hope she still wants to when the grandbabies start arriving! 

Edited April 20, 2019 by Forget-Me-Not

[Arcadia]

I’ll bring a camera and snap lots of photographs. I am a chatterbox extrovert so better me taking photos than being too chatty. I spent a whole day shopping for my wedding dresses but I went shopping by myself. I am picky and a very odd size so I needed mine tailor made anyway. 

[KrissiK]

I agree with everyone else. You should probably go.  But, think of it this way.... nothing will be required of you but to sit and smile and say, “oh yes, you look lovely.” And a few oohs and ahhhs. For me, an introvert as well, that would be wonderful.  

[Chris in VA]

Ugh. I think it's just for moms and daughters, and maybe a maid of honor, not the whole friggin' family. Things have changed. I know I will have trouble sharing the day with whomever the mil is. 

But apparently it is an "honor" and considered thoughtful to invite the groom's family. I still think it is a far better custom to keep the gown a secret from everyone. I don't like pre-ceremony "first look" photography sessions, either. I'm a real fuddy-duddy! 😂

[TechWife]

I'm afraid it's a suck it up buttercup kind of outing. She is beginning to weave your into her family in the same way you are weaving her into yours. This is an important day for her, she wants to include all of the women in her family - and she realizes that means you get to come to!

I can relate to the introvert part. Can you take on a job while there - like being the one that hangs veils back up after they have been tried on? Do you take fairly good pictures? Perhaps you could spend the day with a camera as a buffer and get to know the whole family in the process.

[catz]

This is definitely a suck it up buttercup situation.  Anticipation is often worse than the actual thing.  

[Farrar]

As you get to know her better, I think you’ll hopefully establish a relationship where you get each other and you’ll be able to politely bow out of less important things like this. But that likely won’t happen unless you do these sorts of things first.

I hope it goes okay.

[MaBelle]

Dil relationships can be tricky.  My standard response to anything my three dils request is "Absolutely!"

[Scarlett]

32 minutes ago, MaBelle said:

Dil relationships can be tricky.  My standard response to anything my three dils request is "Absolutely!"

I am listening.  I want to have a good relationship with all future DIL, but even girlfriends seem tricky to me.  

[SquirrellyMama]

On 4/19/2019 at 3:58 PM, happysmileylady said:

Oh, yes, for sure if she's planning a full day of hitting multiple stores, where she's occuping your time for like 6 to 8 hours or something crazy like that....um no.  

I haven't ever known anyone like that IRL though, only seen it in movies 🙂  Everyone I have dress shopped with IRL, they have hit like 2 stores....on different days...so only like an hour or two at a time.  

She's bringing 12 people with her, it'll take an hour just getting everyone out of the car and assembled 😬 Hopefully, she picks quickly. 

So not my cup of tea! 

Kelly

 

[MaBelle]

9 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I am listening.  I want to have a good relationship with all future DIL, but even girlfriends seem tricky to me.  

I am blessed with the three best dils and the one best son il.

 

[Bootsie]

As an introvert, and someone who does not love shopping, I can relate.  I do think, however, it would be nice to accept the invitation.  Dress shopping sounds special to her, and it is nice that she has included you in as someone to be there to share that special time with her.  

If I had any concern that there were going to be many more invitations to share in her special times and it was turning into an intolerable self-centered bride-to-be focus, I would much rather politely decline some of those later invitations.  (I have known mothers-of-the-groom to be invited on bridesmaid bonding trips, etc.)  This seems like an activity, while not enjoyable, can be participated in somewhat quietly.

[BlsdMama]

On 4/19/2019 at 5:26 PM, teachermom2834 said:

 Why does every single event have to be a major production inspired by Pinterest and social media worthy???

 

 

To be fair, it’s not like this is Homecoming. (Because this is what I say every freaking year that Homecoming has become darn near as dressy as prom and I have a bajillion girls,)

It’s a wedding. It is a very big deal. The fella she’ll spend the rest of her life with, make babies with, raise them with - and you’ve been invited to participate... And when you say no, or aren’t enthusiastic, it could hinder future invitations. Some of those invited might involve grandkids.  This choice (and a million others) are really about building or tearing apart relationships and the consequences that cascade.

 

[teachermom2834]

14 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

 

To be fair, it’s not like this is Homecoming. (Because this is what I say every freaking year that Homecoming has become darn near as dressy as prom and I have a bajillion girls,)

It’s a wedding. It is a very big deal. The fella she’ll spend the rest of her life with, make babies with, raise them with - and you’ve been invited to participate... And when you say no, or aren’t enthusiastic, it could hinder future invitations. Some of those invited might involve grandkids.  This choice (and a million others) are really about building or tearing apart relationships and the consequences that cascade.

 

Well, the marriage, yes but not every single bit of planning. 

But I actually agree with you- which is what the rest of my post said. Is that there is nothing wrong with it and I absolutely plan to get over myself for all the reasons listed. I said I would go cheerfully. 

But my personality is such that this feels over the top. But that’s just me. We are all wired differently and this is not my style. But I plan as MIL and mom to adult children to rewire myself to fit them 🙂

[Scarlett]

@lynn Has the shopping day happened yet?  How did it go?

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

It’s a wedding. It is a very big deal. The fella she’ll spend the rest of her life with, make babies with, raise them with - and you’ve been invited to participate... 

 

1 hour ago, teachermom2834 said:

Well, the marriage, yes but not every single bit of planning. 

But my personality is such that this feels over the top. But that’s just me. We are all wired differently and this is not my style. But I plan as MIL and mom to adult children to rewire myself to fit them 🙂

 

For wedding dress and shoes shopping, there is also the awkwardness of who to invite. I would rather have my husband’s sister come along than his mom because our spending style is different and MIL is very vocal about other people’s choices. However inviting SIL and not MIL would get my MIL unhappy so I didn’t invite any.

My in-laws did made me very upset over their unasked for strong opinions to us which made my husband rather annoyed that his parents were “pushing it”. My husband is the youngest but it’s still our wedding not theirs 😞 That did set the tone for the less disclosure to his parents the better. We underspent for our wedding and received lots of lovely compliments from his relatives and parents’ friends. I wished that his parents were as supportive as his aunts. Even his grandma was more supportive. We paid for our wedding since both of us have already worked a few years and have money saved up.