Acceptable Dating age?

[Tracey in TX]

I just read the national average is 11-14y/o to begin dating. DD's friends already have boyfriends, wear make-up to school, and some even "date". I've never considered myself old fashioned, but this is really upsetting.

What age will your children be allowed to date?

 

11-12 years old?

13-14

15-16

17

18 or older?

[Margaret in GA]

At least 16. And that needs to be a group date. My dd is 15. Thankfully, this hasn't come up yet. She's got several guy *friends*, though.

 

Margaret

[shell in SC]

Wow. . .I couldn't imagine DS (11) dating, not for at least a couple years. I'm floored by that.

[TraceyS/FL]

Their father says not until he is dead :lol:

 

But realistic - until at least "High School". Lucky for me/us - she doesn't encounter a lot of eligible young guys right now. Seems like everyone in our HS activities are girls!

[Georgie]

10th grade or 16 years old depending on the maturity factor is what we are considering now.

[Soph the vet]

I feel pretty strongly about the dating issue. I believe we will follow more of a courtship model in our family. There is nothing redeemable that I can find about getting your heart broken as a teenager. Passionate love relationships should be for those intent on marriage. That said we will give our dc many opportunities for friendships and group outings with both genders like we do now. But a boy, a girl, and a car won't be happening around here in the teen years:D.

[klmama]

If you prefer "dating" to "courtship," I would say at least 17 so their maturity has a chance to develop. Before that, the possibility of marriage is so far away that it seems silly to allow them to be in situations where their emotions and hormones could lead them into trouble.

[Crissy]

After college? ;)

 

Actually, I expect that next year my son will want to take a young lady to homecoming (he will be, at minimum, a part-time student at the HS) and/or other school functions, and I would consider that a date.

So, 15 or there about. As for 'real' dates... out and alone, those are probably further off.

[Johanna]

:iagree:

well said...this is how it is viewed in our family.....

we teach our children that there is no need to have a "boyfriend or girlfriend" unless you are ready to be married. Your heart is to be saved for your future spouse....

Happily, my dd gets most of these ideas from Rebecca st James and Barlow girls.....(great influences)

[Sharon in SC]

I feel pretty strongly about the dating issue. I believe we will follow more of a courtship model in our family. There is nothing redeemable that I can find about getting your heart broken as a teenager. Passionate love relationships should be for those intent on marriage. That said we will give our dc many opportunities for friendships and group outings with both genders like we do now. But a boy, a girl, and a car won't be happening around here in the teen years:D.

 

Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I'm not willing to say when we'll "allow" dating. I think there are individual circumstances and we'll deal with them as/if they come up. I HOPE my kids wait until they are mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, but especially spiritually mature enough to choose a spouse. My daughter says she's just not interested and is called to singleness. I wonder if that will change in time (she's 16). My son (13) believes some people are ready to "date" as early as 16-18 years old. The earliest it has been done in our congregation since we've been here is 20 (a couple young people) and just as often, they wait til mid 20's. I'm glad my kids are seeing it done in a healthy way and young people being happy within themselves up til and through that time.

 

So we'll see.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I believe that dating is for the purpose of finding a life partner. If you're not ready to find a spouse, then you aren't ready to date. So I would encourage waiting until after (or close to the end of ) college and would strongly encourage waiting until after high school.

[Beth in Central TX]

I feel pretty strongly about the dating issue. I believe we will follow more of a courtship model in our family. There is nothing redeemable that I can find about getting your heart broken as a teenager. Passionate love relationships should be for those intent on marriage. That said we will give our dc many opportunities for friendships and group outings with both genders like we do now. But a boy, a girl, and a car won't be happening around here in the teen years:D.

 

This is our stance too. We've been using the courtship term for awhile now, so the boys are familiar with it and know the general ground rules. However, they aren't interested in girls yet, so for now, we've only been talking theory. I think it will become more challenging as we move into the application process.

[Rich with Kids]

42.

 

 

 

 

I don't know really. I had a long term, intense relationship with someone from the time I was 11 until I turned 20. It was a friendship that evolved into a dating relationship, of course. (He broke up with me and married a girl I used to babysit!) I do really wish I had dated other people. It took me 12 years and a really bad first marriage to get over my first "love". And over him I am!!!!

[jg_puppy]

I believe that dating is for the purpose of finding a life partner. If you're not ready to find a spouse, then you aren't ready to date.

 

Right now my dd is only 8 and I have told her the same thing as posted above. She agrees now, but I imagine it may change when she is 16. Most likely she won't be allowed to date until she is at least 16, but I have also told her that dating at 16 is not a given. She will have to prove that she is responsible enough to handle dating.

 

Jan

[momofkhm]

looking for the person they will marry. Going out with mixed groups will be ok - like movies or dinner or bowling. But not dates.

[AnnetteB]

We hoped for "after college." The children all think that the courtship model is a good one, UNTIL they lay eyes on someone interesting...DD, 26, had her first date at 19. We had her permission to protectively interfere all we wanted. The young man had never before come across anyone like her...or us! She married the second young man she dated, but had known from Sunday School since she was 12 and he 13 :) They are expecting their second child in February. DS, 24, dated for the first time when 20. He had stated that he wasn't interested in marrying for a long time, but he married his first date and they just celebrated the birth of their second child. DS, 22, also married his first date in his Junior year of college. He did not intend to date until after college...DS, 20, still waiting for that first date. It seems that my kids aren't interested in shopping around. I still would prefer that they wait until after college. But, I don't have any credibilty with them since DH and I married at 19 and have no regrets (other than the college degree that might have been.)

[momofkhm]

We hoped for "after college." The children all think that the courtship model is a good one, UNTIL they lay eyes on someone interesting...DD, 26, had her first date at 19. We had her permission to protectively interfere all we wanted. The young man had never before come across anyone like her...or us! She married the second young man she dated, but had known from Sunday School since she was 12 and he 13 :) They are expecting their second child in February. DS, 24, dated for the first time when 20. He had stated that he wasn't interested in marrying for a long time, but he married his first date and they just celebrated the birth of their second child. DS, 22, also married his first date in his Junior year of college. He did not intend to date until after college...DS, 20, still waiting for that first date. It seems that my kids aren't interested in shopping around. I still would prefer that they wait until after college. But, I don't have any credibilty with them since DH and I married at 19 and have no regrets (other than the college degree that might have been.)

 

Thanks for these stories of waiting success! To those of us yet to get these issues in the face, it's nice to hear that it dos work out!

[chiguirre]

I wasn't allowed to date in highschool. I think this worked for my parents because my dad isn't American and my mom is pretty strict. It didn't occur to me to question the rule and my friends thought my family was nuts, so there wasn't that much peer pressure.

 

Once I got to college I did date, but the dating pool was much more acceptable to my parents and they were 6 hours away;). I did actually meet dh my senior year, so it all worked out for the best. I guess I should say that my parents objection to dating wasn't religious, they just thought teenagers were too silly to be allowed much freedom. I'm planning to implement the same rule for my kids.

[Kathy in MD]

Their father says not until he is dead :lol:

 

.....

 

A friend's father said he was never going to let them date, but at night he'd go into their room and chant, "Elope, elope". Now how were they going to find someone to elope with if he wouldn't let them date? ;)

[*********]

My boys are 5 and 2, so I don't even know if I'm allowed to have an opinion on this yet. :D

 

However, like others have said, we don't do 'dating'. Our boys will 'court' when they feel the Lord lead them to do so. Courtship is for getting to know the young lady that they believe may be their wife. Dating is not even an option to us.

 

As far as the age they begin courting, that I don't know. I assume that will be individual, and after a lot of prayer and discussion, both by dh and I, as well as our son, the girl he wants to court, and most likely her parents.

[hsmamainva]

My oldest daughter went out on her first date on her 17th birthday (and she's still dating the same boy 7 months later). By dating, I mean that they see each other 2-3 times a week.

 

They knew each other as friends for at least six months before their first date, and he called us to make sure it was okay before asking her out on that first date.

 

He's a very nice boy and they have many things in common. We've met his family and his family has met us. He's 19, btw.

 

It's not a "serious" relationship, in that they're not talking about marriage or anything like that. They go out to dinner or the movies or hang out at the mall, etc. He comes over to our home to have dinner with us and she goes to their house to have dinner with him and his mom (his father died when he was a young boy). He doesn't drink or smoke, and neither does she.

 

And they have no interest in "deepening their relationship", if you get my meaning. They're just close friends.

[Laura K (NC)]

I told him he could date when he was 16. But I talked to his scoutmaster, who said he didn't let his kid date or drive until he finished his Eagle project. So I think that's an even better guideline. That Eagle project will give him a little more maturity. And that will hurry this great big project along, I hope.

 

My son told me he "really liked" a girl when he was 13. A lot of his friends in Scouts were already dating, so he thought he could, too. My dh and I talked about it and agreed to wait until he was 16. I don't regret these years of waiting for him. He has time to pursue his own interests in these high school years. When I was in high school I had a boyfriend all four years and I seriously neglected my female friends. I really regret that.

 

Our homeschool group has a prom every year which is really well-attended. Last year several kids from our homeschool swim team went as a group, but my son, at 14, was not allowed to go. He will be almost 16 this year for the prom and I will allow him to go with a group. He's been learning to dance and he's matured a little bit. Last year he would have been bored. This year I think he will have fun, and he'll be a little more mature, too.

[Tami]

Not an age, but a maturity level that if ready for possible marriage. We also are looking at a courtship model, and hoping that dd will go for it. If she really feels she must "date" it will be chaperoned. Yep, unless one of them is neutered, I don't trust two teens alone together, despite the best of intentions they may have. I think the statistics show that teens still need plenty of parenting and adult supervision. We won't knowingly put a teen in a situation for adult behavior with adult consequences. Old fashioned - you bet. :D

[HRAAB]

I feel pretty strongly about the dating issue. I believe we will follow more of a courtship model in our family. There is nothing redeemable that I can find about getting your heart broken as a teenager. Passionate love relationships should be for those intent on marriage. That said we will give our dc many opportunities for friendships and group outings with both genders like we do now. But a boy, a girl, and a car won't be happening around here in the teen years:D.

 

This is pretty much how we'll handle our younger three. I'm not 100% into courtship, but see absolutely no reason for 'dating' (boy/girl/car/alone) while in high school. Group activities are fine - with a chaperone.

 

With our older two, we did what our parents did. Dating at 16. If there was one thing I wish I could go back and do different, it would be that. Anyway, hindsight is always 20/20, huh?

 

Janet

[LBC]

I was raised without any dating rules at all, and it was the worst thing my parents could have done for me. I don't think I dated at 11, but from age 12 - 18 I dated A LOT. I lacked boundaries, and never wanted to say "no" to anybody because I didn't want their feelings to get hurt. Well, of course plenty of feelings ended up getting hurt anyway, but I was far too immature to figure this out.

 

I've told my dd, who will be 15 next month, that I'm going to say "no" for her, so that she doesn't have to feel bad about hurting any body's feelings. I strongly desire the courtship model for my children, but I also realize that things may not work out the way I hope. I'm trying to be open, but I spend a lot of time discussing the pitfalls of dating with my kids. Dd occasionally mentions that she may want to have a boyfriend. She reads novels, watches movies, and listens to music on the radio, so she is exposed to the ideal, not the real. We talk openly about things like this, and she often agrees with my point of view after we've had a good discussion. I suppose this "dance" will continue as she matures, and I will need to be open to hearing her heart, and discussing her feelings.

 

I guess I would say that I wouldn't even consider allowing her to date until after she's 16, but I still don't think it's a good idea even when she is 16 or 17. She'll be nowhere near ready to get married at that age, and giving your emotions to someone who you're not committed to is not a good idea, in my opinion.

 

Lori

PS - My sister's dd just got married in June, a couple of weeks after her 19th birthday. They had been dating since my niece was 15. Neither my niece nor her young husband have a post secondary education. :tongue_smilie:

[texascamps]

Our current position is 16 and they must group date. No one-on-one dates, period. I have a friend who instigated the "no dates to same person twice in a row." He started this rule with his last kid and wished he'd done it with all of them. I like the idea. Before they can go out with girl 1 again they must date a girl 2 before going back to girl 1. This way they can't get themselves wrapped up with one person when they aren't ready. Plus they have to date in groups. Seems like a good way to prevent some issues.

 

Since my kids already know what the rules will be, they don't even question it, yet.

[Parrothead]

I'm leaning toward the courtship model for the teen years, but if nothing comes of it, I won't have any control over what happens after college.

 

I still feel weird about the two people in their late 20's who haven't found the right person yet, going back to mom's house for a chaperoned date. I guess because I'm not looking for dd to be married before finishing college and starting work.

[mamaof2andtwins]

:iagree:

well said...this is how it is viewed in our family.....

we teach our children that there is no need to have a "boyfriend or girlfriend" unless you are ready to be married. Your heart is to be saved for your future spouse....

Happily, my dd gets most of these ideas from Rebecca st James and Barlow girls.....(great influences)

 

:iagree:We are of the same opinion.

[Mabelen]

I wasn't allowed to date in highschool. I think this worked for my parents because my dad isn't American and my mom is pretty strict. It didn't occur to me to question the rule and my friends thought my family was nuts, so there wasn't that much peer pressure.

 

Once I got to college I did date, but the dating pool was much more acceptable to my parents and they were 6 hours away;). I did actually meet dh my senior year, so it all worked out for the best. I guess I should say that my parents objection to dating wasn't religious, they just thought teenagers were too silly to be allowed much freedom. I'm planning to implement the same rule for my kids.

 

This is us too. I have said to my oldest, no dating before 18, so that means not before college. She has completely accepted this. My home country, Spain, right now has a very liberal attitude about dating, living together, marriage and divorce that I am not at all happy with. I have discussed this with my daughter and she understands why. I think it also helps that in my dh's culture there isn't really dating as a rule; it is more the parents who look for a suitable candidate for marriage, so I think that 18 is a happy medium.

[Peela]

Dd14 had her first date a couple of weeks ago- I dropped her off at the cinema and picked her up afterwards. The young man is also 14, they met through Scouts but live many miles apart. Last weekend the boy's mother picked her up and she was taken to our local water park for the day for her friends' b'day. It's not an intense thing, it seems. She has many male and female friends and is a very self confident and down to earth young woman- unlike me at that age!

This has just been fairly natural for dd and for us. I don't think they even hold hands-it's just fun and all parents are watching closely. To forbid it would make it into something far "bigger" than it actually is.

[sweetTN]

I feel pretty strongly about the dating issue. I believe we will follow more of a courtship model in our family. There is nothing redeemable that I can find about getting your heart broken as a teenager. Passionate love relationships should be for those intent on marriage. That said we will give our dc many opportunities for friendships and group outings with both genders like we do now. But a boy, a girl, and a car won't be happening around here in the teen years:D.

 

:iagree:

[tibbyl]

..

Edited November 13, 2008 by tibbyl
remove personal information about children's romantic relationships

[Audrey]

When I think about the variety of definitions for what constitutes "dating," those ages don't surprise or bother me. Remember, those are ages to START dating. I recall calling it "dating" when in 7th grade a boy and I would hold hands during lunch and sneak a kiss if we could. Outside of school, we would go to each others' houses to hang out. Sometimes we'd go to movies with other friends -- as no one could drive, it was usually a group effort.

 

My mother didn't particularly care for calling it dating. She thought dating meant going out with a boy, in a car, alone. She was so old-fashioned! :)

[Heather in Neverland]

We also do not believe in "recreational" dating. When our sons are old enough to consider marriage they can date. Of course, we will also hold off on driver's license until age 18 as well so we are pretty conservative.

 

My mom let me have a boyfriend at 14yo. What a terrible idea. Yeah, we "only" went to the movies and our parents drove us (do you know what kind of stuff you can do in the back of a movie theater?) and we only "hung out at each other's houses" (do you know what kind of stuff goes on when a parent leaves the room even for a few minutes?) and we saw each other at school (do you know what goes on in the bathrooms and other places at school?).

 

And I was raised in a good, conservative, christian home. But the lure of sin and the overwhelming hormones were too much even for me. There is NO WAY I am putting my kids in that position even if they get mad at me. It's for their own good. Luckily, we have a few years before I have to deal with it but we are prepping them already for it. :D

[happyWImom]

I feel pretty strongly about the dating issue. I believe we will follow more of a courtship model in our family. There is nothing redeemable that I can find about getting your heart broken as a teenager. Passionate love relationships should be for those intent on marriage. That said we will give our dc many opportunities for friendships and group outings with both genders like we do now. But a boy, a girl, and a car won't be happening around here in the teen years:D.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

11 YEARS OLD & DATING!!! Okay, time for another glass of wine people.:D:D

[swellmomma]

I jokingly tell dd she will not be allowed to date until she is 41. Knowing what I went thorugh as a teen with relationships etc, and knowing I went on my first 1-on-1 date at age 12, I can say the kids will be a minimum of 16 years old depending on maturity and at that point they can go on group dates but not 1-on-1 dates for some time.

[chaik76]

Middle school or high school. I waited until college, and really wish I had dated earlier. I'm not particularly into the courtship model, and I would prefer that my children date at least several people before choosing a mate. My dh started dating in 9th grade, I believe, and I don't have a problem with that. I doubt I would have a problem with 7th or 8th grade either.

[Joanne]

To forbid it would make it into something far "bigger" than it actually is.

 

 

:iagree:

 

I don't believe in parent imposed courting. I think that courting should emerge from the preferences of the child.

 

However, I also don't believe in accelerating partnering behavior. I am not, for example, in a hurry to usher my son (13.5) and his special friend on a "date".

 

I don't believe in extremes. I don't believe that dating *is* looking for a lifetime mate. Eventually, it might be. But I believe that "dating" can and does have a useful, fun function in the years before marriage. Sure, it CAN include risks but it can also be allowed with boundaries. I also don't believe that dating as a teen and beyond has to equal at risk behavior (emotional, physical, spiritual).

 

This is another area in which I depart from many who make up the homeschooling community.

[RoughCollie]

My kids aren't allowed to date until they are 16. That's as far as I've gotten. I'm sure I'll have rules, but I haven't given them much thought yet.

 

We are getting the kids cell phones that have a parent-child chaperone feature. We will be able to tell where our kids are, which I think is important. If they turn their cell phones off, which disables the feature, major consequences will follow.

 

Before my parents divorced, my father's rule was that a boy had to come to our house 3 times before I could go out with him, so my parents could get to know him. That led me to turning down a lot of dates because I felt like a dork telling guys about the 3-visit rule. My dad was adamant though -- if he didn't know the guy, I wasn't allowed to go out with him.

 

After the divorce, we moved far away from my dad, and my mother's sole dating rule was a curfew.

 

RC

Edited November 13, 2008 by RoughCollie

[CLHCO]

I'm with those who find one goes to look for a mate when one is old enough to do something about it if one happens to find a mate while looking. Don't go tiger hunting unless you know where to keep the kitty when you catch it, or you may get chewed up a bit.

 

Of course, we do intend to put our girls into situations where they will meet up with nice young men starting at 17 or so. Not to "date", just to learn how to talk to the strange creatures. Right now their only exposure to boys are the younger type, like their brother, most of the friends are homeschool girls, and I think they have no clue how to communicate with boys their age or older. They're a little old to think they have kooties but sometimes I swear they do! If I expect grandkids someday, I'll need to work on that... later. Like, a few years later.

[mrsdash]

My 2 oldest are 14 and 16. Neither has ever had a boyfriend or a date yet but it's not been because I've set a rule. I think 14 is way too young and my dd is very mature. I just think it would change her mindset and she would lose track of whats important right now. My 16dd is just such a bookworm and although I can tell she's interested to a point, she's shy and I figure if she met someone, I'll deal with it on an individual basis. I've always told them that their first date is dinner at our house,though, lol.

[debbiec]

My favorite saying: Dating is just practice for divorce ~

 

When I first heard this two years ago, I laughed, thinking this a joke. But quickly paused, and realized it wasn't (and the person that told me this wasn't joking either). The longer I have had to think about this for two years, the more convinced I am it is true. Kids just give their hearts away so easily and quickly, to then just get them shattered and dealing with the shame (of what they said or did that they wish they hadn't). I do think it teaches kids how that giving yourself away, emotionally and physically, (if they have dated a lot), that relationships become cheap and painful, and it gets easier and easier (I can speak from experience on this) ~ You also carry a lot of baggage into marriage later, knowing how you recovered from many breakups, so "I'll get over this too." and will move on to something better. Dating doesn't teach kids about restraint, about protecting the other person's heart, it generally is "what's in this for me" at young ages.

 

I know we are talking about "dating" but that term in our public cricles is generally meant to understand a sexual relationship and everyone knows that. If your not, well, that's great. But few people are going to believe you.

 

Just my two cents ~

[Joanne]

I know we are talking about "dating" but that term in our public cricles is generally meant to understand a sexual relationship and everyone knows that. If your not, well, that's great. But few people are going to believe you.

 

Um. Wow.

 

That's a huge and inaccurate assumption. To say I allow dating means I would allow, encourage, accept or expect a sexual relationship is a ginormous leap.

 

There are *millions* of parents who will allow dating, with boundaries, and teach abstinence and coach for mature decisions with regard to sex.

 

When I talk about dating, I mean dating. When I was dating (as a - gasp - divorced single mom), I was talking about *dating*, not sex.

[Bev in B'ville]

At least 16. And that needs to be a group date. My dd is 15. Thankfully, this hasn't come up yet. She's got several guy *friends*, though.

 

Margaret

 

My dd is 15, but will not start dating until she's 16. She is allowed to bring friends with her to family outings (e.g. the movies), but they are not boyfriends, just boys who happen to be friends.

[debbiec]

Well, the discussion was about pre-teen and teen dating, not adults. I think assumptions for adults are a different.

[debbiec]

And Joanne, I'm talking about what the culture generally assumes. Even as a young adult, in college and in the workplace, when I was "dating" my husband (and not physical intimate), everyone assumed (except those close to me) that we were intimately involved. My oldest son is in a public high school this year, and dating is generally accepted to mean that the kids are sleeping together ... and they usually (though not always) are. The reason we know this is the drama of the breakup and the girls are pretty open about the fact that since they were "intimate" with the guy, that meant he loved her, and she is devastated...and rightly so. This happens on a weekly basis.... and to even the "nice girls" ~ though it is not advertised as much, word gets around (though not always true)

 

Of course, I'm probably over generalizing, but all the same, this is a reality among teens. Even the "nice kids." I know what parents think, I'm a parent. "My kid is only dating and wouldn't do anything like that". I think it's naive to think they won't or at least be seriously tempted.

 

I'm defining "dating" as one on one, exclusive relationship. Not group dating and liking someone in the group. Or even calling someone on the phone and hanging out with them at a school event.

 

I teach at a co-op and though some of the kids like each other, call each other, and hang out together at group events, they are not considered "dating." Dating, in my circles anyway, implies some sort of exclusiveness

and generally is understood that they may be dealing with "temptations" ~ which is normal, but can get kids in situations they will regret. That's all I'm saying.

 

Do, I think there are assumptions about what is going on in "dating" ~ I guess it depends on the circle you are in....mine do, if not assume that, are concerned about that.

Edited November 13, 2008 by debbiec

[Highereducation]

Responding to this thread makes me realize how much I've changed since I was a teenager!

 

I started dating at 14. At 15 I had my heart broken for the first time, and a combination of that and some other things going on in my life led to my first go-round with low self-esteem and anorexia. Just when I was getting a handle on things, I got way too involved with a guy who really knew how to push all my negative buttons, and it was time for round two. By senior year in high school I was a mess. It took me years to put my life back together. And I didn't learn from my mistakes, either. I continued in a cycle of wanting to be wanted and needed without having the maturity to handle it. It almost cost me everything.

 

I want so much better for my dd. She will not be dating anyone until I feel that she has the maturity to handle the decisions she will be compelled to make. The courtship model holds a a lot of interest for me. There is something so special about waiting. I wish that I'd had someone in my life who could have given me the guidance I needed when it came to dating. I intend to be that person for my dd. I'm not going to shelter her from the issues, but like someone else said, I will make those decisions for her until she's ready to make them herself - preferably when she has finished her education.

[Sarah CB]

I feel pretty strongly about the dating issue. I believe we will follow more of a courtship model in our family. There is nothing redeemable that I can find about getting your heart broken as a teenager. Passionate love relationships should be for those intent on marriage. That said we will give our dc many opportunities for friendships and group outings with both genders like we do now. But a boy, a girl, and a car won't be happening around here in the teen years:D.

 

You know, only really freaky people think like that - which is why I'll have to totally agree with you.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Kanga]

We've always told our dc that they could start dating when they have their PhD. ;)