Extended Family and Kid Birthday Parties

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm trying to figure out if what I endured today is culturally normative in other regions or subcultures around the country, or if my FOO culture is the one that's not typical. When your minor aged young child (let's say under 1-13; the birthday girl today turned 2) has a birthday party who do you invite and what do you provide?

Do you invite all the extended relatives:grandparents, aunts, uncles, first cousins, plus all of your kid's friends, and all of your adult friends? 
Do you just invite extended relatives? 
Do you just invite the kid's friends?
Do you provide a meal and cake?
Do you provide just cake?
Do you provide more than one dessert options (cake, cotton candy machine, candies, jello desserts, etc.?)
Do you leave kid movies on in the gathering area the adults sit in to chat when there are other kid activities available?
Do you ever comment to anyone other than your child about their food selections?

In my family we either have a family party with the local extended relatives or we have a kid party and invite the kid's friends for a drop off party.  We never do both. We never invite our adult friends to our kid's birthday party.  We never provide a meal.  We have it in the early afternoon, usually in the 2pm-4:30pm range.  We serve cake and ice cream and that's it. If it's extended relatives we chat, sing Happy Birthday, eat cake and ice cream, open gifts, and then it's over within 1.5-2 hours. If it's a kid party parents drop off and we play a game or two, sing, eat, gift, and then either free play or if it's an event we go to the ice skating rink or paint pottery, and we're done within the afternoon.

The hell I endured tonight was a huge buffet, multiple dessert options (all of the above listed dessert options,) kids, relatives, adult friends, all in a very small house with a small backyard and a huge rented bounce house.  It was shoulder to shoulder packed with adults and with kids running around inside and out. There was far too much food that the hostess kept telling everyone to eat more of and tried to convince them to take home.  All but a few of my relatives are on restricted diets for pre or type 2 diabetes and trying to get healthier.  So is the hostess, but she's not trying very hard. I think it's obnoxious of her to say, "All this food and you're just eating salad?" to me.  Um, I can eat whatever I want. Why would one adult have an opinion about what another adult puts on their plate, much less vocalize it? I

Oh, and there was a movie on, but I commandeered the remote and turned it off when that room had emptied out to get food.  No one was watching it before they left (I observed carefully for a while first.) I think it's outrageously rude to have the TV/radio on while people are trying to talk to each other.  If people have to raise their voices to be heard over it at a social event, I turn it off once.  If the hostess turns it back on I leave it on and make an excuse to leave early. Yes, I lie to their faces and leave because I don't think anyone can emotionally handle hearing, "I'm tired of you being rude to me and the rest of your guests by bomarding me with meaningless noise that interrupts the meaningful personal interactions we're trying to have at this social event."

Bah!  Next time I'm just going to say I can't make it and be done with it.
 

[rebcoola]

That was pretty typical around here for little kids under 5 it was considered more of a community building oppurtunity than a birthday party.  

[Anne]

Oy.  That sounds awful.

 

 

Anne

[Sk8ermaiden]

I'm trying to figure out if what I endured today is culturally normative in other regions or subcultures around the country, or if my FOO culture is the one that's not typical. When your minor aged young child (let's say under 1-13; the birthday girl today turned 2) has a birthday party who do you invite and what do you provide?

 

Do you invite all the extended relatives:grandparents, aunts, uncles, first cousins, plus all of your kid's friends, and all of your adult friends? 

Do you just invite extended relatives? 

Do you just invite the kid's friends?

This is so variable! Just among people I know, I have seen every combination. We did everyone for the first couple birthdays and then transitioned just to friends. But we don't have tons of family in town.

Do you provide a meal and cake?

If it's at my house or over a mealtime, I will provide food and cake. But "a meal" is like, pizzas, or a Chick-fil-a tray.

Do you provide just cake?

If it's at a venue (like gymnastics), or not over mealtime.

Do you provide more than one dessert options (cake, cotton candy machine, candies, jello desserts, etc.?)

No, but there are wealthy people and/or pinterest moms in my circle of friends that do. 

Do you leave kid movies on in the gathering area the adults sit in to chat when there are other kid activities available?

Not at a party no. Unless most people were gone and our best friends were staying into the evening.

Do you ever comment to anyone other than your child about their food selections?

Probably not, but this is a boundaries thing. My family would never. My in laws sure as heck would.

 

In my family we either have a family party with the local extended relatives or we have a kid party and invite the kid's friends for a drop off party.  We never do both. We never invite our adult friends to our kid's birthday party.  We never provide a meal.  We have it in the early afternoon, usually in the 2pm-4:30pm range.  We serve cake and ice cream and that's it. If it's extended relatives we chat, sing Happy Birthday, eat cake and ice cream, open gifts, and then it's over within 1.5-2 hours. If it's a kid party parents drop off and we play a game or two, sing, eat, gift, and then either free play or if it's an event we go to the ice skating rink or paint pottery, and we're done within the afternoon.

 

The hell I endured tonight was a huge buffet, multiple dessert options (all of the above listed dessert options,) kids, relatives, adult friends, all in a very small house with a small backyard and a huge rented bounce house.  It was shoulder to shoulder packed with adults and with kids running around inside and out. There was far too much food that the hostess kept telling everyone to eat more of and tried to convince them to take home.  All but a few of my relatives are on restricted diets for pre or type 2 diabetes and trying to get healthier.  So is the hostess, but she's not trying very hard. I think it's obnoxious of her to say, "All this food and you're just eating salad?" to me.  Um, I can eat whatever I want. Why would one adult have an opinion about what another adult puts on their plate, much less vocalize it? I

 

Oh, and there was a movie on, but I commandeered the remote and turned it off when that room had emptied out to get food.  No one was watching it before they left (I observed carefully for a while first.) I think it's outrageously rude to have the TV/radio on while people are trying to talk to each other.  If people have to raise their voices to be heard over it at a social event, I turn it off once.  If the hostess turns it back on I leave it on and make an excuse to leave early. Yes, I lie to their faces and leave because I don't think anyone can emotionally handle hearing, "I'm tired of you being rude to me and the rest of your guests by bomarding me with meaningless noise that interrupts the meaningful personal interactions we're trying to have at this social event."

 

Bah!  Next time I'm just going to say I can't make it and be done with it.

 

I think the way you do parties is perfectly normal. But I think the big combined parties are perfectly normal too and I've been to many of both kinds. 

[The Governess]

We've done family only, friends only, and combined. Usually when it's combined we hold it at a park just because we don't have space for that big of a group at our house.

 

Some people use a birthday as an excuse to have an informal get-together and hang out rather than having a bunch of planned activities. Some people like to offer various activities - bounce house, movie, games, etc. - so people can choose what is enjoyable to them. Having the tv on is a nice gesture for those kids - or adults - that need some time away from interacting with the crowd. I think turning the TV off at someone else's party is overstepping and impolite - unless you know the host would want you to do that. If it was a kid show and there were no kids in the room, I might turn the volume down if it was too loud for conversation.

Edited October 30, 2017 by lovelearnandlive

[J-rap]

Oh my, sorry it was a bad day!  Sounds crowded and noisy!  I don't think it sounds too unusual though.  

 

We never had a set way of doing things.  But generally, when our kids were younger, we'd probably invite the grandparents and my sister.  As the kids got old enough to care, we might invite a couple cousins who were their age.  We might have a light supper or we might just have cake and ice cream.

 

We did tend to have a bigger event for my child whose birthday is in the summer.  For that one, we often had a casual picnic at a big park on a lake.  It was a fun time to see relatives, but we generally only invited ones who we thought might enjoy coming.  Sometimes, we'd invite another family (non-relative) to come too.

 

Sometimes we were in an area where we had no family.  Then, we might invite one family (non-relative), or sometimes we'd just celebrate it alone.

 

As kids got a little older, then we'd have kid-birthday parties, generally for a couple hours after typical school hours.  We had pretty traditional parties -- little games, cake and ice cream, etc.  But, we'd still have a small family party too.  Nothing big (since we had the kid party), but just a time when as a family we would gather and celebrate the life of the child privately.  As they got older still, the "kid" parties became smaller, maybe just one to three friends, and we'd do something bigger -- go on a long bike ride and end up at a pizza parlor, go to the lake, or invite a friend or two to sleep over.

 

And no, commenting on food like that host did is a no-no, but I wouldn't make too much of it.  I'm sure it was nothing personal.  Anyway, it sounds like it was a family with a small space trying to make the most of having a birthday party and trying to make it fun for a lot of people.  It does sound a little much, but I guess I wouldn't overthink it.

[Carrie12345]

In my family, enormous guest lists and crazy amounts of food are normal for 1st birthdays and sometimes Sweet 16s, and then graduation.

I've just had two relatives a bit younger than me throw similar blow outs for their 2yos, so yeah, maybe it's shifting.

[eternalsummer]

We do a party with local extended family, provide a meal and cake and ice cream.

 

If it's a bigger party, or for some reason lots of extended family is in town or just lives around, the TV might be on in one room.  Often we have the TV on (by we I mean my parents - DH and I don't own a TV) during Thanksgiving or Christmas in the den; people might watch the ball game or a parade or something while they chat, and others talk in the dining room where it is somewhat quieter (though nowhere is quiet).

 

In my SIL's in-laws' culture, though (Mexican), they have the huge deal with the bounce house and the neighbors and adult friends and relatives and a buffet (usually catered, sometimes made by relatives), music, alcohol, the works, for even 1 year old birthdays and certainly for events like baptisms, confirmation, stuff like that.

 

 

[Plink]

That sounds about right for a 2 year old's party.

 

The tone of your post is aggressively negative.  I'm sorry you weren't able to enjoy the party.  Do you have a history of conflict with the host?  I wonder if that is coloring your experience.

 

[Spryte]

We've done both ways. Until DS was 7, we did tiny family only parties, with maybe a grandparent, plus outings. Around 7, we started doing big parties with friends and extended family and a ton of guests. We've served only cake and ice cream, and we've done meals and in between.

 

DD has had huge parties and small parties, too. It varies year to year.

 

I don't know, but it sounds like you felt the hostess was rude to guests on multiple occasions, and the set up wasn't comfortable for you. It would have been too much for me, too, the way you describe it, but really - it sounds like the party being different from the way you do things wasn't the issue as much as the issues with the hostess - commenting on food, etc. For me, I can't always handle huge parties at other houses - I'm an introvert, and it can be too much. But at the right time and place - it's fun! Are you on the introverted side, maybe?

 

Hoping you have a peaceful day today.

[ScoutTN]

That does not sound fun!

 

My dh's family often gathers fior a meal in the months that have several birthdays and my kids both fall into one of those months. When they were young (under 6) we just did that. Dessert was always birthday cake. We don't host b/c our house is too small.

 

Most years since then, each kid has had a kid party. Cake, ice cream and punch - or something equally simple. 2 hrs, max. Sometimes at my house, sometimes at a park or the pool. At least one year we skipped kid parties and took a short trip/vacation instead. Boy parties are never at home! Too much energy in a small space.

 

We try to keep it simple!

[Bluegoat]

I don't think it's abnormal, I'd say it's a very family dependant thing though.  

 

I'd tend to cut a break about the food - maybe the hostess was stressed out about it, with such a big gathering.

[Raifta]

When our kids were under 6 we did one party.  We invited both sets of grandparents, one aunt and uncle (the only ones local) and the cousin on that side if he wanted to come (he`s considerably older than our children), and one set of good family friends and their child that we spend a lot of time with.  It was small in numbers and small in terms of events - there was cake, mingling, present opening.

 

Once they turned 6 we continued with the above but also had a separate party for friends - usually between 5 and 10 friends.  Again, fairly simple - cake, sometimes gifts (although often we just ask for a small donation ($2 or so) to a local animal charity), some activities. We`ve always had this at our house with the exception of the one time we were gutting and renovating the kitchen during DD`s birthday and we had it at a bowling alley.  We have done some `themes` but that`s only recently because DD has been keen to organize theme related activities and decor and she does most of the work.  

[vonfirmath]

I'm trying to figure out if what I endured today is culturally normative in other regions or subcultures around the country, or if my FOO culture is the one that's not typical. When your minor aged young child (let's say under 1-13; the birthday girl today turned 2) has a birthday party who do you invite and what do you provide?

 

Do you invite all the extended relatives:grandparents, aunts, uncles, first cousins, plus all of your kid's friends, and all of your adult friends? 

Do you just invite extended relatives? 

Do you just invite the kid's friends?

Do you provide a meal and cake?

Do you provide just cake?

Do you provide more than one dessert options (cake, cotton candy machine, candies, jello desserts, etc.?)

Do you leave kid movies on in the gathering area the adults sit in to chat when there are other kid activities available?

Do you ever comment to anyone other than your child about their food selections?

 

In my family we either have a family party with the local extended relatives or we have a kid party and invite the kid's friends for a drop off party.  We never do both. We never invite our adult friends to our kid's birthday party.  We never provide a meal.  We have it in the early afternoon, usually in the 2pm-4:30pm range.  We serve cake and ice cream and that's it. If it's extended relatives we chat, sing Happy Birthday, eat cake and ice cream, open gifts, and then it's over within 1.5-2 hours. If it's a kid party parents drop off and we play a game or two, sing, eat, gift, and then either free play or if it's an event we go to the ice skating rink or paint pottery, and we're done within the afternoon.

 

The hell I endured tonight was a huge buffet, multiple dessert options (all of the above listed dessert options,) kids, relatives, adult friends, all in a very small house with a small backyard and a huge rented bounce house.  It was shoulder to shoulder packed with adults and with kids running around inside and out. There was far too much food that the hostess kept telling everyone to eat more of and tried to convince them to take home.  All but a few of my relatives are on restricted diets for pre or type 2 diabetes and trying to get healthier.  So is the hostess, but she's not trying very hard. I think it's obnoxious of her to say, "All this food and you're just eating salad?" to me.  Um, I can eat whatever I want. Why would one adult have an opinion about what another adult puts on their plate, much less vocalize it? I

 

Oh, and there was a movie on, but I commandeered the remote and turned it off when that room had emptied out to get food.  No one was watching it before they left (I observed carefully for a while first.) I think it's outrageously rude to have the TV/radio on while people are trying to talk to each other.  If people have to raise their voices to be heard over it at a social event, I turn it off once.  If the hostess turns it back on I leave it on and make an excuse to leave early. Yes, I lie to their faces and leave because I don't think anyone can emotionally handle hearing, "I'm tired of you being rude to me and the rest of your guests by bomarding me with meaningless noise that interrupts the meaningful personal interactions we're trying to have at this social event."

 

Bah!  Next time I'm just going to say I can't make it and be done with it.

 

 

1. We do not live close to extended relatives. I did invite the cousins and grandparents that happen to be in state/two hours away. Sometimes they come. Sometimes not.

 

We also invite the kid's friends and their parents.

And sometimes adult friends of the family who do not necessarily have kids of their own. (Of the appropriate age)

 

We provide heavy snacks and cake.

 

Last party, we had people there who were gluten-free so we made gluten-free brownies as well as the cake. (If I'd gotten a RSVP sooner, we would have gotten a gluten-free cake but the cake was already ordered before I knew for sure they would be there)

 

The parties are pretty much kid-focused. The adults talk around the other activities, as there is time.

 

 

 

Edited October 30, 2017 by vonfirmath

[katilac]

 

Bah!  Next time I'm just going to say I can't make it and be done with it.

 

 

I think that would be wise, lol. 

 

 

[HS Mom in NC]

That sounds about right for a 2 year old's party.

 

The tone of your post is aggressively negative.  I'm sorry you weren't able to enjoy the party.  Do you have a history of conflict with the host?  I wonder if that is coloring your experience.

 

Quite the contrary.  She's by far my favorite SIL.

 

[almondbutterandjelly]

Gently, I think you were just having sensory overload.  That is a fairly typical 2 year old's party.  

[HS Mom in NC]

Let's see a show of hands from everyone who thinks it's OK to push food multiple times on people you know have been told by their doctors not to eat that kind of thing because it's making them sick. She has known for several quite a few years many of them are type 2 diabetic. (During joint planning that she's been in on for several years it's been explicitly covered and accommodated .)  They declined more than one offer she made in front of everyone. She knows keeping their diets healthy has been an ongoing struggle for them just like she's articulated it being a struggle for her.  I think that's incredibly rude. How is sabotaging someone's effort to do what's medically right for them OK by anyone's standards? If she provided too much food it's for her to deal with, not her guests who have politely declined the offer more than once.  I get asking people to feel free to take home food, but singling them out in front of the group and asking more than once when they said no is so obnoxious.

If people invite groups over to "build community" by what rational does it make sense to have a kid moving blaring in the place where the adults have gathered to talk to each other?  This isn't a Superbowl party or a Downton Abbey party where people got together specifically to watch something.  Please explain the thought process behind this and how it supports the goal of social interaction between guests sitting in the same room.  How does it not conflict with the goal of interaction if people with normal hearing can't hear each other and have to yell at each other?  I can't even come up with a possible theory for how that supports a very large social gathering setting in a very small physical space. It's no different than if at a social gathering someone decided to practice their piano in the living room.  Uh, that can wait until after the party, right?

I do hate lying to people but I can't be honest in that situation.  No, I don't really have to leave, I don't really feel sick, and I don't really have something else to do.  If I had known this was going to be such a PIA I wouldn't have accepted the invitation in the first place.

 

[SKL]

Here there is a range that is accepted, but bounce house would be considered overkill.  :P

 

Personally I only ever had one birthday party, which was also a "welcome to the family" party 3 months after I adopted my kids (who were then 1yo).  I invited extended family and probably about a dozen non-related friends.  My entire extended family (that I know well enough to invite) lives within 1.5 hour drive of me, so it was not a demanding invitation.  (I asked for no gifts - yes I know that is bad etiquette.  A couple people brought them anyway.)  We provided all food, cake, alcohol etc., a variety of stuff that was probably from Sam's Club or similar.  :P  Some folks brought wine, the way people do for parties.

 

It was very nice, but what with all the stress over who's going to be offended if we do abc instead of xyz etc etc, I never had another birthday party.  I am considering having a "quinceanera" (traditional 15th birthday party) when the time comes.  The only other kid party I'm likely to have is for their high school graduation. 

 

We do have very nice birthdays, just not at home.  Disney, Kalahari, etc. - let someone else do the work.  :P

[SKL]

As for TV / movie on in the background - that annoys me, but I have seen it.  We used to have parties (not birthday but other stuff) which happened to fall at the same time as the local favorite college football games.  These people would come to our party and turn on our TV to watch football.  I find that weird, but whatever.  Also, when my kids have gone to in-home birthday parties, sometimes the hosts put on a movie, or the host child starts playing video games on the TV.  I would not do that, but maybe they have a good reason for it, and it's not for me to judge.

[SKL]

As far as pushing food, there are many cultures where that is a requirement even if you know the person probably doesn't want it.  I think it goes back to leaner times when people were reluctant to accept the first time lest they leave the host family hungry.

 

My friends from India were brought up to always offer 3x.  It can get annoying if you aren't used to it - or even if you are.  :P  I was not brought up that way, but having been exposed to the rationale, I am more likely to at least make double sure the person is not declining more out of politeness than anything else.

 

And to me, it is very important to have food in case anyone is hungry, especially if the party is going to be more than a couple hours long.  Which ours always are.  :)  When we have them.  When it comes to food at a party, my view is that too much is always better than not enough.

[eternalsummer]

Let's see a show of hands from everyone who thinks it's OK to push food multiple times on people you know have been told by their doctors not to eat that kind of thing because it's making them sick. She has known for several quite a few years many of them are type 2 diabetic. (During joint planning that she's been in on for several years it's been explicitly covered and accommodated .)  They declined more than one offer she made in front of everyone. She knows keeping their diets healthy has been an ongoing struggle for them just like she's articulated it being a struggle for her.  I think that's incredibly rude. How is sabotaging someone's effort to do what's medically right for them OK by anyone's standards? If she provided too much food it's for her to deal with, not her guests who have politely declined the offer more than once.  I get asking people to feel free to take home food, but singling them out in front of the group and asking more than once when they said no is so obnoxious.

 

If people invite groups over to "build community" by what rational does it make sense to have a kid moving blaring in the place where the adults have gathered to talk to each other?  This isn't a Superbowl party or a Downton Abbey party where people got together specifically to watch something.  Please explain the thought process behind this and how it supports the goal of social interaction between guests sitting in the same room.  How does it not conflict with the goal of interaction if people with normal hearing can't hear each other and have to yell at each other?  I can't even come up with a possible theory for how that supports a very large social gathering setting in a very small physical space. It's no different than if at a social gathering someone decided to practice their piano in the living room.  Uh, that can wait until after the party, right?

 

I do hate lying to people but I can't be honest in that situation.  No, I don't really have to leave, I don't really feel sick, and I don't really have something else to do.  If I had known this was going to be such a PIA I wouldn't have accepted the invitation in the first place.

 

 

 

 

I can't address the first, I have no experience with that kind of thing exactly - although we do have relatives who repeatedly offer us (and our kids) food they know we never eat for moral reasons (akin to offering bacon to an observant Jew).  

 

As far as the social interaction thing, for my FOO, at Thanksgiving and some other holidays, the loudness is just part of the atmosphere and the TV is part of the atmosphere.  If you're saying it's hard to talk to each other because you have to speak loudly to be heard, well, yes, that's true.  It's also true at a party with loud music, or a dance club, or something, and people socialize at those events just fine.  Sometimes also, people who are used to having background music or noise don't notice it as much and are able to tune it out better. 

 

Relatedly, we have lots of little kids who tend to screech and run about like wild monkeys when people come to visit, esp at a sugared up party.  I have a SIL who only has one kid and likes to say (repeatedly, at every event, multiple times per year) how she can't imagine why I wanted so many kids because they're so loud and oh, dear niece (she says to her daughter), aren't you glad you don't have brothers? and etc.  then she sends my kids to the basement or upstairs in their own house at their own party because she doesn't like the noise.

 

It's rude.  The noise isn't ideal for her, but it's not her birthday party, it's a party (generally speaking) for a child, and children are often loud.  

[Annie G]

I can handle family. I can handle having a bunch of unrelated kids in my house. But not both at the same time, thankyouverymuch. 

[KungFuPanda]

I tend not to mix family and friends, but this is easy for me since most family is out of town. I prefer the background noise at a party to be a bit lower, but I don’t think it’s remotely rude to have music on at a party. I wouldn’t use a party to try to teach another hostess manners either. I’d probably turn down the kids movie if it was too loud, but I wouldn’t make a thing of it especially if the party lasted more than two hours. You might have kids there that need to check out for a few minutes but don’t want to leave. Watching the movie is a socially acceptable way to do this.

 

As I get older I find my tolerance for noise and chaos has diminished. I’m becoming quite adept at the Irish exit :-)

[eternalsummer]

And while I would never be annoyed at someone wanting to leave early and saying it was because the environment was too chaotic or the food unsuitable, I would be very annoyed at someone messing with the music or TV  at a party that they weren't hosting, unless they asked first.  ("Is anyone still watching this?  Do you mind if I turn it off?" is mostly not rude.  Just turning it off is rude).

[TABmom]

We either do friend or family. Not both at the same time. As an introvert, that would kill me- trying to introduce everyone and such. My MIL did make some passive aggressive comments about not being invited to my dd's gymnastics party. I thought that was weird. At every family gathering with my ILs, someone turns on sports and my dh, his brothers and his dad mostly just sit and watch. I find this seriously annoying, but I just entertain myself with the kids or talking to my SIL.

[Renthead Mommy]

Since it was only me, my brother, mother and her husband Lord Voldemort for 700 miles, we didn't have family parties.  But I went to a LOT of family parties that were multi generational family and friends.  Some of them were quiet and small.  Some of them were literally My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  Tons of food (because you can NOT run out of food, that would be horrible!) always making sure people have more. Lots of talking.  Loud talking. Excited talking.  Quiet shy introverted people might call it yelling.  They called it talking. Lots of hand motions.  Music. TVs.  Kids running around.  And lots of food.  And it would be rude to not make sure people got enough to eat.  That is why they are always asking if you want more. 

 

To be honest, Sunday dinners were not so different.  Just slightly less food, but still a ton of food.  Maybe a few less people.  But still noise, happy chaos, tons of food and volume.   

[catz]

Meh - I can see why that wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea and berating people for not eating is obnoxious, but a young child's birthday can be a good excuse for an open house.  The food thing can definitely be a family or culture thing, so I try to let that roll off my back in most settings.  We actually had one on my oldest first birthday.  We didn't advertise it as is birthday.  But I had a difficult pregnancy and we were in a different home and had been married just a couple years so it was a fun excuse to have an open house style event.

 

Those earliest birthdays really are for the parent.  The kid soon enough will express too strong opinions about what they want to do.   That said, I don't think any invitation is a summons.  If you know something will be a loud unenjoyable event for you, just decline. 

 

ETA - my kids birthdays have been different every year.  There has been no norm.  Some years both with friends and family separately, sometimes together, sometimes we did very little.  It just depends on our schedules and demands at the time vs the desires of the kid depending on age vs. who we are willing and able to entertain at any given time. 

Edited October 30, 2017 by WoolySocks

[2_girls_mommy]

We've done them all ways. We've done just kids's friends, just family, big family/friends every few years when I feel up for it. We have a small house, backyard too. Nobody has to stay. Some people come for the cake and leave, some come and play all day. 

 

T.V on loud at people's houses does drive me crazy too. My grandparents are mostly deaf and leave it on so loud it drives me crazy. But its their house. I wouldn't dare turn it off. I would consider that rude. 

 

Lots of food- sometimes. Sometimes I have done big meals and buffet style. Sometimes I keep it simple. It depends on the time of day, who is coming, how many, etc. If my extended family is coming, they drive a long way. I am going to feed them. 

 

I would love to have a bigger house for entertaining. But we don't. It's not been an option for us. I am not going to not have fun family celebrations. We make do with what we have. 

[FaithManor]

The being berated to eat food that is not good for me is the reason we do not attend social events that revolve around food anymore. I am the one who has many a relative, many a hostess demand I try wheat infested food despite being allergic to it.

 

You do not have to lie. "We have to go now." No explanation. Better yet, slip out without announcing it.

 

I would turn down future invitations that seem like they will be similar and not give a reason. Sorry we can't make it, talk to you later. Bye bye." Hang up. Or email. Or Facebook. No responses to inquiries.

[Wheres Toto]

We do a massive party for the kids birthdays.  It actually started as Dh's annual pool party/BBQ before we were married so before the kids were born.  After they came, we just made it their birthday party too since they both have summer birthdays.  Everyone is invited.  I mean EVERYONE.  All local or semi-local family, all friends from church, 4-H, and any other place we or the kids make friends, Dh's co-workers, my co-workers (when I worked).  Not everyone brings the kids presents and the birthdays are just part of it.  We do have cake but will open gifts later since not everyone brings gifts.   

 

Usually the kids swim in the pool/lake, the adults sit around talking, we provide the main foods (hot dogs, hamburgers, rolls, drinks) and many of the guests bring a dish to share.  It's pretty spread out so while it's a lot of people, it doesn't seem like it.

[Seeking Squirrels]

That sounds a bit past what I've experienced, but not too far over for one family. Most of our friends and family do similar to us:

 

Do you invite all the extended relatives:grandparents, aunts, uncles, first cousins, plus all of your kid's friends, and all of your adult friends? 

Until they ask for otherwise, it is all relatives in the area and any friends they have outside of family, plus any of our friends who have kids. We don't generally invite friends that don't have kids. My DD9 had this kind of party until her last when she decided she was ready for a "kids only" and just invited a handful of girls her age. It was the first year we didn't invite all the cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and our friends. DD5 would have went for the typical everyone party but wanted to be like big sis so she also had a kids only for her 5th. For both, we saw the grandparents at a different time and didn't do anything specifically for the birthday with everyone else. 
Do you just invite extended relatives? 
Do you just invite the kid's friends?
Do you provide a meal and cake?

Depends on the time of the party. If it's starting after lunch and will be over before dinner then cake, drinks, maybe a few light snacks or themed treats. If it's over a meal time then we do food. Both kids' parties had food this time. Not usually too crazy, though. Hot dogs or pizza, chips, fresh fruit and veggies, and any themed junk. 
Do you provide just cake?
Do you provide more than one dessert options (cake, cotton candy machine, candies, jello desserts, etc.?)

There's usually a fair bit of junk. Cookies, cake, candy. We don't usually have ice cream because they have summer birthdays and we're usually at a park. This year both kids had it at home so we also had ice cream. 
Do you leave kid movies on in the gathering area the adults sit in to chat when there are other kid activities available?

No tv on unless it's part of the party. Both girls did have a movie element to their party but it *was* the activity at the time. I've seen both at parties we've gone to. The main one I can think of that did have it on was the one I referenced above that sounded similar to your experience. 
Do you ever comment to anyone other than your child about their food selections?

Maybe enough to make sure everyone has been offered whatever there is, knows what's there and to help themselves. I might single someone or something out if there's an allergy issue to let them know I made it safe for them. I wouldn't pressure someone, though. Usually it would just be a passing "Did you get something to eat?" or "there's plenty there, help yourself!" 

[Sandwalker]

I think the party sounds fun, but I was brought up in a loud family :D.

 

About the food pushing, I'm vegan, so I feel your frustration on that. It's easy for me to turn down food, as I'm used to it, been vegan a long time now. What is harder is that if people know I'm vegan, the instant the food appears, it seems that everyone has to tell me: how they want to/tried to/should/never would/can't because bacon/think it's stupid/won't because vegans are jerks/only eat fish/don't eat veal/do I know about the dog eating festival in China/but protein/vegan vegan vegan. Ugh.

 

If it's at a sit down table, I can't drift away without being rude, so I just say that I don't like to talk about my veganism during meals. I say this several times if necessary. I laugh at their jokes, even when they are mocking my ethics. I never say GROSS! when someone laughs and waves a burger under my nose, thinking the smell will somehow be tempting. I just say No Thank You and try to change the subject.

 

Sorry for the long rant, wasn't my intent. Point being, just let food pushers offer, and smile and decline as many times as you need to. Or you can decline invitations entirely, which I don't do because I love a party!

[DeainUSA]

You are really worked up over this.  It's a kid party.  A social gathering.  Everyone does it differently.  You don't need to understand why, and I really don't think you will anyways.  I think you are right in you should just not go, it's not worth being that upset over.  I've been to a million parties that weren't how I'd do them or I didn't get, it's a day in my life and I made someone happy by being there.  I am capable of sucking it up.

[ebrindam]

We have a friend party at a venue (NOT at our house) either shortly before or after the birthday, and then a family party with grandparents, cousins, aunts/uncles on the actual birth date. 

[GoodGrief]

Re: the TV at parties, I have come to realize that for some personality types (extremely introverted and/or overwhelmed by a lot of stimulation) a TV at a social gathering can become a welcome respite from the rest of the din. The person can focus on the screen without pressure to chat so much. You might say that person should just stay home, but that's not always an option. Plus, this gets them to the social gathering while making it a little less intense for them.

 

My dad (who I suspect is on the spectrum) really needed the TV on during the various gatherings associated with my daughter's out of town wedding. He was glad to be there, but sometimes it was all a bit too much for him. My husband tends to be the same way.

 

The screen also offers a place of quiet for younger ones who are tired of playing but not wanting (or are too old) to nap.

[Ailaena]

I think I experienced sensory overload reading this.

 

I went to a party this weekend that was all family and us and another friend. I learned 2-4 year olds are done with parties after 90-120 minutes :p

 

For ds's 2nd, we had us, grandparents, my dd, and BIL and his wife and I fed snacks and cake :D We have no friends :(

 

The only thing other I'm going to say is that sometimes television is so ingrained in what people think kids should be doing that it becomes this weird thing that I don't understand and cannot tolerate. Let me amend that: kids OR adults. Let me amend that again: television OR console/pc/tablet games/shows.

 

Literally every time I walked into MIL's house for the first three years, I turned off the tv because it was so loud. Now she lives with SIL and they turn it off when we get there, but MIL can't understand why we "keep ds from watching educational shows." She bought a bevy of shows to watch with her other grandson and from the time he was born, she has watched tv with him. It's their thing to do together.

 

XBIL had a tv on in his house literally 24-7 - usually multiple ones at once - and his dd would sleep with one on most nights. Meh, she seems fine now, but the cacophony was too much for me.

 

</tvRant>

Edited October 30, 2017 by Ailaena

[Ailaena]

Good grief offered a perfect argument FOR the tv, though!

[Zinnia]

I have been to parties like that! I like them, but then I like escaping to my quiet house afterwards.