Food pushers

[AmandaVT]

How do you deal with the food pushers in your life? (if you have any, that is!) Most of my friends and family are very respectful of food boundaries, but I have one friend who always brings out my inner junk food lover. Even when (especially when) she knows I'm trying to eat healthier, lose weight, etc, she'll be the one to convince me to indulge. 

 

I'm meeting up with her this weekend at a coffee shop and I know she'll be trying to cajole me into sharing treats with her. I'll be happy with a cup of coffee and conversation, but I always lose my willpower with her because she will push me into sharing something delicious. 

I've been working really hard on lowering my sugar intake and trying to lose weight. I'm trying to brainstorm ahead of time ways to politely stay strong. The best I've been able to come up with so far is to tell her I'm recovering from a stomach virus and need to stay away from heavy stuff. If I tell her I'm trying to avoid sugar, she'll literally put food in front of me. I love her dearly, but this is the one area she drives me nuts.

[bolt.]

"I know you are trying to make me happy, and that you want to have a nice time -- but that comment was really hurtful. I really, really, actually want you to stop encouraging me to treat myself. It's not fun. It's not teasing. I actually, genuinely, don't like it."

 

If she says something in the genre of, "Sorry, I thought it was all in good fun." -- comfort her and apologize for having to be blunt. Tell her that you know that she didn't know. Thank her for agreeing to make the change. Gush a bit, then raise a new topic.

 

If she says anything else, just make an excuse and go home. (Glance at your phone, say, "I'm sorry, there's something I've forgotten. I really need to go.")

[TechWife]

No is a complete sentence. If that doesn't work, then bolt has great suggestions! 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Don't go there hungry and I'm not above lying if that is what will work best.  LOL

 

 

[bettyandbob]

Perhaps meet up where food isn't a choice. Sometimes I meet up with friends for a walk around the neighborhood or a local park. We stroll, chat and catch up.

[Guest]

My first response is a polite no thanks.

#2,, no, I don't want to become a diabetic, the Dr has told me to skip the sugar and processed carbs

#3 .. I move whatever they put in front of me to a different table or counter and sip my drink and continue chatting

#4..I ask why they are so intent on my eating whatever it is, then I leave. Their goal is obviously not conversation, so we are done. I am not there to be dominated. I am a person and if they camt respect, well, our friendship status has been adjusted.

[MEmama]

I meet a friend for walks. Sometimes we drink our coffee while we walk, but not sitting at the cafe makes it harder to indulge (and we're getting exercise to boot!). Would something like that work with her?

[AmandaVT]

I meet a friend for walks. Sometimes we drink our coffee while we walk, but not sitting at the cafe makes it harder to indulge (and we're getting exercise to boot!). Would something like that work with her?

 

I've thought about that - with my other friends, yes that works. With this one, no. And she's going through a rough time right now (lost her dad and father in law recently) so I am totally happy to meet up and I shouldn't be too tempted. I have been seeing some great success over the past month and am totally motivated to keep it up. 

 

We're meeting pretty early, so I am not sure if I can claim I'm full. :-) 

 

No is a complete sentence, no is a complete sentence, no is a complete sentence. I think I'll just keep repeating that to myself from now until then! 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Let her know that you're not being cute when you say no thank you, or tell her you're watching your weight or your health. It's not small talk or a dare!

 

And then tell her that real friends support each other toward goals. If she wants a friend, it's time to skip dessert and take a walk together. If she wants an eating buddy, call up somebody else.

 

You are worth it, Amanda. You deserve to be respected and supported.

[scholastica]

I've thought about that - with my other friends, yes that works. With this one, no. And she's going through a rough time right now (lost her dad and father in law recently) so I am totally happy to meet up and I shouldn't be too tempted. I have been seeing some great success over the past month and am totally motivated to keep it up. 

 

We're meeting pretty early, so I am not sure if I can claim I'm full. :-) 

 

No is a complete sentence, no is a complete sentence, no is a complete sentence. I think I'll just keep repeating that to myself from now until then! 

 

Tell her you've already eaten breakfast. Do it, if you don't want to lie. If you eat some protein before you go, you'll be less likely to cave.

[AmandaVT]

Let her know that you're not being cute when you say no thank you, or tell her you're watching your weight or your health. It's not small talk or a dare!

 

And then tell her that real friends support each other toward goals. If she wants a friend, it's time to skip dessert and take a walk together. If she wants an eating buddy, call up somebody else.

 

You are worth it, Amanda. You deserve to be respected and supported.

 

OK, you just made me tear up Tibbie. :) Thank you, I needed to hear that today!  

[Catwoman]

Don't go there hungry and I'm not above lying if that is what will work best. LOL

I agree. It sounds like Amanda's friend is already going through a tough time, so I don't think now is the time to potentially hurt her feelings. It's so much easier to use the "ate something last night and it really didn't agree with me so I'm not hungry today" excuse.

 

Another option is to order something sweet but only nibble on a little of it and then ask the friend if she wants the rest of it (or ask for a to-go bag for it,) saying, "I shouldn't have eaten before I left the house, because now I'm not hungry enough to finish this."

[AmandaVT]

I agree. It sounds like Amanda's friend is already going through a tough time, so I don't think now is the time to potentially hurt her feelings. It's so much easier to use the "ate something last night and it really didn't agree with me so I'm not hungry today" excuse.

 

Another option is to order something sweet but only nibble on a little of it and then ask the friend if she wants the rest of it (or ask for a to-go bag for it,) saying, "I shouldn't have eaten before I left the house, because now I'm not hungry enough to finish this."

 

Exactly - that's where my head is with it. She just got back from a funeral and a memorial service over the past couple of weeks, in two different states. I just want to catch up over a cup of coffee and listen to her stories and memories. :) 

 

This is where we're going - you can see the temptations. Thankfully they make such great coffee, even a cup of black coffee is a treat!

[Catwoman]

Exactly - that's where my head is with it. She just got back from a funeral and a memorial service over the past couple of weeks, in two different states. I just want to catch up over a cup of coffee and listen to her stories and memories. :)

 

This is where we're going - you can see the temptations. Thankfully they make such great coffee, even a cup of black coffee is a treat!

Now I'm hungry for pastry.

 

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm always hungry for pastry.

 

Maybe you can throw the diet to the wind and just order one small thing....

 

I'm not being helpful at all, am I? :laugh:

[mamaraby]

I'm with bolt and Tibbie. I have luckily not had food pushers, just people who made passive aggressive comments over the years about how they like to have a treat every now and again, because it's "just a diet and they're not strict about it." I am aware that they mean that I should do the same, but I just don't/didn't want to. Meeting my goals was (and is) important to me. For me, it wasn't just a diet and I had put a lot of hard work. There's room in my life for treats, just not nearly as often as they had wanted me to partake. And I also wanted to do it when I wanted to and not just because someone else thought I needed to.

 

So, I support you in saying no. If she's a close friend than she will understand and want to support you back. Don't be afraid to use your words. The people who love us will hear what we say and respond on kind. Hopefully your friend won't require you to be forceful on the matter, but your needs are just as important so if you need to, then do so.

[regentrude]

If food is an issue, I would meet with the friend in a context that does not involved food. Go for a walk or visit a museum - do something where food is not part of the outing at all.

[Guest]

Don't go there hungry and I'm not above lying if that is what will work best. LOL

That's exactly what I would do.

 

"i'm sorry, but a fruit plate and some tea are the ONLY things I could eat here right now; I had a really bad stomach problem last week and I have to take it super-easy until I'm straightened out."

[momacacia]

Omgosh, my blood sugar just shot up and then plummeted at the pastry photos. 😂 Can you eat a quiche? Or if you are.gluten or otherwise "good" free, take your own little snack...figs and nuts/seeds, something that you like. I meet people for breakfast and take my pre-warmed sausage patty and steamed veggies with me and order a tea at the Panera or other "bread store" people can meet at. Sometimes they ask and I explain why I'm eating what I have...but I guess I don't socialize with a good pusher. Issues, man, issues. 😕 But hope you can be a consolation to her.

[heartlikealion]

Can you tell her you just ate?

 

Dd is my food pusher lol. I'll make food for her she doesn't eat or she'll constantly ask for something to eat and next thing I know I'm eating with her or finishing her food. :closedeyes:

[Carrie12345]

Exactly - that's where my head is with it. She just got back from a funeral and a memorial service over the past couple of weeks, in two different states. I just want to catch up over a cup of coffee and listen to her stories and memories. :)

 

This is where we're going - you can see the temptations. Thankfully they make such great coffee, even a cup of black coffee is a treat!

 

Man, I don't think you can lay it 100% on your friend if you're agreeing to go there!!!  You know their stuff looks amazing. You know she's a food pusher.  You're making a choice!

[Miss Tick]

What if you chew a huge wad of mint gum the whole time? It might help your will power, and then get yourself a coffee after the first hour. I don't generally find him chewing attractive in public, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

[AmandaVT]

Man, I don't think you can lay it 100% on your friend if you're agreeing to go there!!!  You know their stuff looks amazing. You know she's a food pusher.  You're making a choice!

 

We have at least 3 amazing bakeries/coffee shops in my town. I have no problem going in and only ordering coffee. :) I'm not trying to lay all the blame on her, was just looking for strategies when she invariably tries to get me to indulge. It doesn't matter where we go - last time we went out for dinner, I ordered a salad and she kept trying to get me to share her fries and then ordered a slice of cake for herself for dessert and requested an extra fork for me. We went out for breakfast a couple of months ago and I ordered a bowl of oatmeal and she ordered us a lemon scone to share with our breakfasts. 

 

We've been friends for over 10 years and this is the only thing about her that ever gets to me. She really is a lovely person. And I'm frequently happy to indulge with her (as the 40 extra lbs on me currently can attest to, I have no problem over indulging on treats). But I need and want to lose weight and I have been seeing some great success recently. I haven't been tempted and will be just fine ordering coffee - this place seriously has amazing coffee. They roast their own beans and must put magic in the roaster, it's so good. 

 

I think I've gotten some great advice here - I don't want to walk out on her or tell her to stuff it or anything like that. She's in a vulnerable spot right now and she's a great friend. She's not one for walking or doing anything else active. 

[AmandaVT]

What if you chew a huge wad of mint gum the whole time? It might help your will power, and then get yourself a coffee after the first hour. I don't generally find him chewing attractive in public, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

 

DH and I have become big gum chewers (he's trying to lose weight too). We currently have 4 different kinds of gum in the living room for our after dinner "treat".  :lol:  I think I'll take some with me! 

[Arcadia]

Worse case, you to-go all the food your friend push to you and bring home for your daughter. I am a habitual slow eater when it comes to pastry though.

 

My MIL is the main food pusher. My FIL push food from time to time. My husband tells our kids to be polite. My kids have long learned to politely turn a deaf ear when we happened to have a meal with them. My kids have gotten very good at transferring their selective hearing skills to filtering what my In-laws say. We see them for a few weeks every few years so it isn't hard.

[shawthorne44]

I'd be honest.   Tell the person that even though they are trying to be nice, it is having the opposite effect.   While you look forward to spending time and talking, you dread the food pushing, so please stop.  

[Tanaqui]

Does the coffee shop sell anything that you can eat right now? Salad, herbal tea, anything?

[heartlikealion]

Maybe you need a new meet up spot? Like meet up at a park with your coffees that you purchased on the way? Shopping center?

[Lawyer&Mom]

Why is this a thing? My MIL is the worst. Pushing desserts on my little kids, even after they say no. I try to remind myself that food is her love language, but it is so frustrating!

 

I've got nothing to help you except yes, food pushing is real!

[Valley Girl]

We have at least 3 amazing bakeries/coffee shops in my town. I have no problem going in and only ordering coffee. :) I'm not trying to lay all the blame on her, was just looking for strategies when she invariably tries to get me to indulge. It doesn't matter where we go - last time we went out for dinner, I ordered a salad and she kept trying to get me to share her fries and then ordered a slice of cake for herself for dessert and requested an extra fork for me. We went out for breakfast a couple of months ago and I ordered a bowl of oatmeal and she ordered us a lemon scone to share with our breakfasts. 

 

 

So what I'm about to say won't help with your original question, but I'm wondering something about your friend. Do you know if she's typically careful about what she eats? If so, could she be using these outings as a chance to splurge, perhaps thinking that it's not so "bad" if she gets you to share with her? Kind of like "I really want the scone (or whatever). If Amanda eats half then we'll both only have half the calories" kind of thing? Obviously, I could be way off base.

[KungFuPanda]

Do there exist healthy diets that can be derailed by a single snack? Are no indulgences built into the plan? This seems like a lot of stress to avoid a pastry especially if you LIKE a treat with your coffee. It seems like a diet that is too strict to absorb a cookie doesn't stand much of a chance to be a long-term lifestyle change. Now, if the sugar does horrible things to your system, or if you see this friend so often that you have to set boundaries or risk gaining ten pounds, I get it. However, if a treat is going to happen in your week anyway, I'd just move it to this date and enjoy.

[KungFuPanda]

OMG, I looked at the menu. I volunteer as tribute to go in your place! A chocolate babka was on the menu. This made me think of the' drinking coffee like idiots scene.'

 

[Janeway]

How do you deal with the food pushers in your life? (if you have any, that is!) Most of my friends and family are very respectful of food boundaries, but I have one friend who always brings out my inner junk food lover. Even when (especially when) she knows I'm trying to eat healthier, lose weight, etc, she'll be the one to convince me to indulge. 

 

I'm meeting up with her this weekend at a coffee shop and I know she'll be trying to cajole me into sharing treats with her. I'll be happy with a cup of coffee and conversation, but I always lose my willpower with her because she will push me into sharing something delicious. 

 

I've been working really hard on lowering my sugar intake and trying to lose weight. I'm trying to brainstorm ahead of time ways to politely stay strong. The best I've been able to come up with so far is to tell her I'm recovering from a stomach virus and need to stay away from heavy stuff. If I tell her I'm trying to avoid sugar, she'll literally put food in front of me. I love her dearly, but this is the one area she drives me nuts.

I am fat. No one pushes food on me. They do push their diets on me which ticks me off and why I have developed a strong opinion of their diets. If only you were gluten free, corn free, dairy free, free free, you would be thin and beautiful and unicorns would fly around you! Ugh!

Edited August 25, 2017 by Janeway

[AmandaVT]

Do there exist healthy diets that can be derailed by a single snack? Are no indulgences built into the plan? This seems like a lot of stress to avoid a pastry especially if you LIKE a treat with your coffee. It seems like a diet that is too strict to absorb a cookie doesn't stand much of a chance to be a long-term lifestyle change. Now, if the sugar does horrible things to your system, or if you see this friend so often that you have to set boundaries or risk gaining ten pounds, I get it. However, if a treat is going to happen in your week anyway, I'd just move it to this date and enjoy.

 

Oh, I could certainly have a treat if I want. I just have been wanting to cut back on my sugar intake and end of summer/beginning of fall seems like a good time to do it. Also, I could have 1 croissant and I would not lose any weight for 2 weeks. My body really likes to hang onto weight and I'm trying to lose right now. If I'm not extremely careful with my intake, I'll gain or not lose. I've been staying just under 1200 calories, mostly veggies, protein and whole grains and that's literally the only way I'll drop pounds. I am pretty comfortable eating 1500, but that will only allow me to maintain. Anything more and I'll gain. I would be shocked if anything in that shop was less than 500 calories, which would not only limit my calories the rest of the day but would cause a huge sugar high/drop that I wouldn't like. 

 

My plan is to first see if I can convince her to go to a different place - we have a few places where I could order something like a bowl of steel cut oats or something and happily eat with her. If not, I'll say I've already eaten and am too stuffed. Then I'll eat breakfast after, which is no biggie because I can't eat first thing anyway. 

 

And yup - this will be an ongoing thing. We meet up often enough that if I'm going to keep myself healthy, I need a better long term solution. I just don't want to deal with that tomorrow as I really just want to be the supportive friend tomorrow.

[AmandaVT]

So what I'm about to say won't help with your original question, but I'm wondering something about your friend. Do you know if she's typically careful about what she eats? If so, could she be using these outings as a chance to splurge, perhaps thinking that it's not so "bad" if she gets you to share with her? Kind of like "I really want the scone (or whatever). If Amanda eats half then we'll both only have half the calories" kind of thing? Obviously, I could be way off base.

 

I think it's a subconscious thing and because I'm overweight too, I'm a "safe" person to overeat with. I don't think you're off base - she isn't typically careful with what she eats, but I think maybe she feels weird being the only one eating unhealthy things at a meal?

 

 

I am fat. No one pushes food on me. They do push their diets on me which ticks me off and why I have developed a strong opinion of their diets. If only you were gluten free, corn free, dairy free, free free, you would be thin and beautiful and unicorns would fly around you! Ugh!

 

Oh, I've seen those people too.....everyone starting a new diet just loves to scream from the rooftops about it! "It's the BEST thing ever - you should try it, you'll love it!" Another reason, I just try to keep my mouth shut and quietly do my thing. I don't want to announce to the world that I'm dieting. I just want to eat what I want, which is totally normal, but low processed, low sugar, foods and happily lose weight. If someone wants to know what I'm doing or how, I'm happy to share, but other than that I just want to be.

[Janeway]

How do you deal with the food pushers in your life? (if you have any, that is!) Most of my friends and family are very respectful of food boundaries, but I have one friend who always brings out my inner junk food lover. Even when (especially when) she knows I'm trying to eat healthier, lose weight, etc, she'll be the one to convince me to indulge. 

 

I'm meeting up with her this weekend at a coffee shop and I know she'll be trying to cajole me into sharing treats with her. I'll be happy with a cup of coffee and conversation, but I always lose my willpower with her because she will push me into sharing something delicious. 

 

I've been working really hard on lowering my sugar intake and trying to lose weight. I'm trying to brainstorm ahead of time ways to politely stay strong. The best I've been able to come up with so far is to tell her I'm recovering from a stomach virus and need to stay away from heavy stuff. If I tell her I'm trying to avoid sugar, she'll literally put food in front of me. I love her dearly, but this is the one area she drives me nuts.

One thing I want to point out about alcoholics. They will often try to push their alcohol on anyone who is around them.  I wonder if it is the same concept with the diets. They need others to do it too to feel better about what they are doing.

[wintermom]

There is nothing wrong with going to a coffee shop, ordering and enjoying a great cup of coffee, and not eating anything. This is totally possible, and people do it every day. Even if the person you are with eats something. Even if they ask for an extra fork.  No one forces the food into your mouth.  You choose to eat or not eat.  

 

I go to coffee shops or restaurants with people and don't eat any food.   The more you do it, the easier it gets.  

 

Your purpose with the visit is to talk. So talk, and enjoy your drink.  

 

You have trained yourself and your friend that you will join her in eating. So now you need to train yourself and your friend that you won't.   This new training of yourself will be good in other situations with other people, too. 

[Laurie4b]

How do you deal with the food pushers in your life? (if you have any, that is!) Most of my friends and family are very respectful of food boundaries, but I have one friend who always brings out my inner junk food lover. Even when (especially when) she knows I'm trying to eat healthier, lose weight, etc, she'll be the one to convince me to indulge. 

 

I'm meeting up with her this weekend at a coffee shop and I know she'll be trying to cajole me into sharing treats with her. I'll be happy with a cup of coffee and conversation, but I always lose my willpower with her because she will push me into sharing something delicious. 

 

I've been working really hard on lowering my sugar intake and trying to lose weight. I'm trying to brainstorm ahead of time ways to politely stay strong. The best I've been able to come up with so far is to tell her I'm recovering from a stomach virus and need to stay away from heavy stuff. If I tell her I'm trying to avoid sugar, she'll literally put food in front of me. I love her dearly, but this is the one area she drives me nuts.

 

I would email her ahead of time and tell her that you would like to just have coffee and that don't want her to try to tempt you into any food. You can give an explanation that it is related to your health or not. The info she needs is that you are requesting that she not try to get you to eat something. You can tell her it's okay for her but please don't ask you. 

 

If you cannot secure an affirmative response, then do something other than meet in a sweet shop: take a walk together, go shopping together, go to a museum, etc. 

 

If she pushes you after you've made it clear, then she is not a friend but a saboteur. Friends respect boundaries. 

[HS Mom in NC]

Could it be a combination of sub-cultural issues with her?  I have a friend who is married to a middle aged man from the Midwest.  When she's on a diet he offers her things she shouldn't eat.  He really thinks he's just being polite, because in his background, people ask, say no when they really mean yes, ask again, say no when they really mean yes, ask again, then they accept. No doesn't always mean no in his circles growing up, and not being polite by offering what he's eating is, in his mind, the ruder than offering someone on a diet something they shouldn't eat. I think there was a sitcom a decade ago with a scene of a guy from the Midwest in NY who wouldn't handle the idea of not taking a phone call and letting it go to voice mail right away because it was so rude.  Meanwhile in other parts of the country, it's considered rude to answer the phone and say, "I can't talk now, can I call you back later?" rather than just letting it go to voicemail so they can leave a detailed message.   Add into that the awful dietary norms in places like The Midwest and The South and you have people who may not grasp just how bad for you some things are.  I have a SIL (morbidly obese) from The South who genuinely believes you can eat just about anything in moderation and it's fine.  She also thinks sausage, eggs and biscuits make a good, healthy breakfast.


How about being honest and direct?   "Let's meet at _____________ instead of the coffee shop because when I'm there I eat things I shouldn't.  I need to avoid temptation. "
 

[Carol in Cal.]

She is looking to do an enjoyable thing TOGETHER, which means that if you resist it's less enjoyable.

 

So I would approach it differently.

 

Since this is a good friend, I would either:

1.  Call her up and ask her to help you resist, not for this particular meal but just in general.  Ask her to be your diet buddy or accountability person or whatever works for you, because she is such a good, supportive friend.

 

or

 

2.  Eat a little piece of cheese and drink a pint or so of ice water with lime juice half an hour before meeting her.  Then I could honestly say, wow, that looks great, but I'm just not hungry.  I am dying for one of those great lattes, though!  Then if it was Starbucks I would get a cinnamon dolce latte, nonfat no whip.  If it wasn't, I'd get some other treatish coffee drink.

 

or

 

3.  Think of a supportive alternative thing to do, like go to an antique show and walk around, or an art and wine festival, ditto, or a nature walk that you have to register for, ditto.  The key is to choose a special treat thing involving more walking and less food that has to happen that particular day, so it makes sense to do it *instead*.  

 

or

 

4.  Make an exception.  Most people don't diet to live in total deprivation for the rest of time.  A moderate treat that you plan weekly is often part of a successful diet, from what I have seen.  For a good friend in difficulty, I might make this the occasion for that treat.

 

 

You totally deserve to be supported in making healthy choices for yourself.  Your friend totally deserves to be supported in this time of great need.  Balancing the two and preserving the friendship is the longterm goal here.  Both are important and valuable!

Edited August 27, 2017 by Carol in Cal.