Respecting your older teen's privacy but still parenting them

[Grantmom]

How do you all feel about social media, cell phones, email, and respecting your older teen's privacy?  Especially when they are almost 18, at some point we have to trust that they are going to make good decisions.  Yet, there is so much research about the developing teenage brain, and so many news stories about the pressures teens feel today with social media.  Where do you think the line is?  Do you ever ask to see their accounts?  Do you just talk about it a lot?  It is such a different world than it was when I was a teenager.  Yet, I am really feeling the pressure of not messing this up.  I want to make sure I am still being a good parent, yet I also feel like I want to respect my teen's privacy.

 

Any words of wisdom from those with older teens who have recently traversed this path in the age of Snapchat and Facebook?

 

[Joker]

Ds, 17, is friends with me on any social media he uses and other than that we just chat about it every now and then. He would have to show signs of serious problems for me to ask to look through his stuff. I don't check his phone or emails or anything like that. He'll be 18 in less than 6 months and I trust him. He knows what he should and shouldn't do online and in text/email and he's given me no reason to not trust him.

 

Honestly, it's the same with 15 year old dd as well.

[Barb_]

It isn't easy. We do talk about internet footprint all through the middle and high school year. We talk about it a lot. We also talk about the commodification of personal information and how personal information is extremely valuable to companies who wish to exploit it. I make it clear that their personal information is theirs to control, and they only have one chance to give it away.

 

I don't ask to see their social media because there is silliness on there that would embarrass them if I saw it. My goal is to give them all the information they need to make good choices and then step back and let them make them.

[HomeAgain]

I don't know.  My teen got a smart phone when he turned 18, we weren't willing to provide him one before that.  For social media, my goal was two things: I wanted him to understand how necessary it was to avoid illegal activity and drama, and to avoid having no privacy.  I would go on every once in a while and show him what I found by searching as a non-friend. I sent him to talks about cyber security/online safety.  We talked a lot at home.  I never felt like I needed to see his accounts but I think that might have changed depending on my level of trust.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

I currently have log in information for my almost 18 year olds online ...everything. The deal here is I can check it if needed but I promise not to unless I have a serious safety concern or problem. I also promised to let both my teens know if I've accessed it. We initially discussed the types of reasons I might access accounts.

 

 

I give them privacy, I won't check unless I have a very serious concern.

 

Once the oldest is 18, it's up to him if he wants to change all his passwords and stuff.

 

 

I have used yet to have any serious concerns so it's not been an issue, but I still remind both of them about our deal.

 

 

We have had regular online safety talks over the years.

[Barb_]

Also, I do control how much social media some of them consume. One of my kids has a problem with overconsumption which will show in her attitude when it begins to get out of hand. There have been times when I've had her take a break of a couple of months even at 16 or 17. At 18 she began to see it in herself and decided on her own to stop using Snapchat altogether. Now she lists texts and uses instagram

[Noreen Claire]

I wish I could offer words of wisdom, but we screwed that age up pretty badly with DS21. We are all still recovering from it.

 

What I can say is talk. Talk. Talk. And talk some more. Talk about your expectations and your faith and your beliefs and real world vs cyber world and respect and responsibility and everything else that comes up. Talk freely and honestly. It seems to be the only thing that worked for us...

 

(Also, setting up the wifi to shut off at a reasonable hour helped. We still have that in place!)

[regentrude]

I think, at that age I simply have to trust the earlier parenting and our relationship. After all, I have prepared them for this for over a decade. We talk a lot and have open communications about everything. We talk about the pitfalls, tried to fortify them against peer pressure, talk about smart use of media.

It would not occur to me to inspect the accounts of even a 16 y/o. All that accomplishes is to drive them to sneakiness - it is easy to make one fake account to show to mom, and hide the real one, if they wanted to do things parents don't approve of.

My DD left home at 17. My DS will leave at 18. I don't want college to be that sudden burst of freedom free from oversight - that leads kids to do stupid stuff. I have treated them like adults for a few years before they left, so they won't feel intoxicated by sudden freedom when they leave.

 

ETA: And nevertheless, I am still parenting! The most important thing, to me, in parenting young adults is to be available at all times to talk and support. When they want to talk, I drop everything else. I have their back. I am willing to share my opinion and experience when asked. 

Edited July 11, 2017 by regentrude

[Mimm]

Computers are in a public area of the house, cell phones spend the night out here, NOT in bedrooms. I have access to cell phones in case of an emergency. Otherwise, I don't snoop. They have Facebook and Instagram and Snapchat and so on. I'm under no delusions. They could be doing stuff I don't approve of. They probably are on occasion. But unless I turned off our internet, got rid of our cell phones and computers, they would find a way to do what they wanted. If I read their text messages, they'd use another messaging program. If I snooped on their phone, they'd get one of those apps that hides other apps. Better to just respect them so they aren't working so hard to hide things. Then, if there was a serious reason to access their phone, I wouldn't have to work so hard to find stuff. We've had many many conversations about making the right decisions online. At some point, you just have to hope some of that stuff has sunk in.

[TravelingChris]

None of my kids had smart phones before they were 18. I actually tried to get one for my youngest but she refused and only got one reluctantly right before she left for college. We didn't overly monitor their computer usage. We talked to them and while they were in our house, they weren't having any issues. We always told the kids that they had no true privacy- not because of us snooping but because anybody could be reading stuff online be it our government, some other government or some hacker not associated with any government. After all, every few weeks you hear how this company or that store or hotel was hacked and how both dh and I have received notices a few times from our own government on how someone or some country got all our personal info. So, yeah, no privacy in general, but we trusted our children to take that warning seriously. And none of our children behaved in any manner that would make us suspect anything like sexting. They all thought such things were incredibly stupid and reckless and just plain nasty which they wouldn't want to do.

[Pawz4me]

What Regentrude said.

 

An 18 year old is an adult. A 16 yo is getting darn close. Yes, I had the boys' social media account passwords when they were 16. I never once checked them. I think maybe DH checked on DS21 a couple of times when he was around 16. For an almost 18 yo? To me monitoring their online activity at that age would be a huge invasion of privacy. At some point you just have to trust you've done it right (or at least to the best of your ability) and let go and trust them.

 

That said -- We talk about proper online conduct all the time and point out that future employers will look.

[bettyandbob]

In our house there were people who did not get smart phones until ages 17, 20, and 49. Dh had a smart phone for a few years. The rest of us kept going on dumb phones. However, older DS and DD were on social media well before then. As another poster said talk, talk, talk. Address this stuff young and keep talking about it. By young I mean before 12. Keep lines of communication open to all subjects. If you regularly participate in conversation about topics completely uninteresting to you and act interested, you may be more successful at getting them to participate in conversations about stuff you think is important (social media, sx, drugs, ethical issues, etc). If you aren't regularly conversing, then you may find that when you bring one of these topics up you are TALKING AT some blank faces.

[TeenagerMom]

Mine have smartphones and their own laptops in their rooms.  I don't monitor any of their stuff.  I have their passwords should I need them.  I checked DD's messages on Facebook until about a year ago.  Now she has Snapchat. We originally had a rule that she couldn't have any unrelated males on SC, but I relented on that rule when she turned 17.  She herself has deleted a few guys that were hitting on her, etc (she has a serious boyfriend). 

 

I really think you have to trust your parenting and allow them to make mistakes.  Just be there to catch them when they screw up.

[SparklyUnicorn]

My kid could circumvent any measure I could put in place.  I mean he is the GO TO person around here for anything computer related.  And I have no doubt he wouldn't be so open and honest about stuff (there is some stuff I wish he wasn't so open about...LOL) if I were to insist on checking everything.  So nope I don't check that stuff.  I keep talking to him about staying safe, not giving out too much personal info, creepy weird stuff on the web, don't do illegal shi*, etc. 

 

 

[Scarlett]

I was fairly strict up until about the time ds turned 17.  Until then I had his password and I checked his phone or whatever anytime I wanted.  He knew I could but I didn't tell him because there was no need.  Then he knew I had read some conversations between his friend and him and he felt like it was stuff his friend wouldn't want me to know (nothing serious except serious to them).  I told him I would never repeat what I read ever.  Anyway, not long after that he asked me for privacy.  And he gave compelling reasons 1)he had never been in trouble,2) he is responsible, 3)he will be 18 in less than a year and it would be better if he have some freedom while still home. (seriously it was like he had read one of these threads or something).  Anyway, I agreed to his requests.  He told me he would hand me his phone anytime I asked.  Btw, I now feel like it would be violating his privacy to ask!  I guess I see that he is growing up.

 

Also I had allowed no screen in the bedrooms until very recently.  So now he has his phone in his room.  But I figure he is working 40 hours a week this summer and that keeps him from staying up late.

[regentrude]

 Then he knew I had read some conversations between his friend and him and he felt like it was stuff his friend wouldn't want me to know (nothing serious except serious to them).  I told him I would never repeat what I read ever. 

 

I do have a problem with this. Even if the parent does not repeat what she read, it should be made clear from the beginning that mother is reading over son's shoulder. He should be able to tell his friend "just so you know, my mom reads my texts". I do not have the right to know other teens' private affairs, even if they communicate with my child.

(Just like I would want to be sure my personal communcations with my friends are private and their husbands aren't inspecting their social media accounts  - even if i don't have naything to "hide".)

[GinaPagnato]

One thing I've always done is to point out to my dc the stupid stuff people post online that comes back to bite them. College admissions, job interviewers, potential SOs, etc. When they see irl examples of how badly things can go for people who post stupid/inappropriate/offensive things, it makes MUCH more of an impression on them than if it's just Mom saying it over and over.

 

I don't check teens from 16 and up unless I have reason to be concerned. Then I most definitely would check, and I couldn't care less if he/she thinks it's an invasion of privacy. Health and safety first, and this includes keeping them from making colossally bad choices that can really screw them or someone else up. 

 

Once they're 18, I'm officially out of it, and I hope and pray that all we've discussed for years and years has really sunk in. So far, so good.

 

[teachermom2834]

I reserve the right to check their phones, etc. but I don't. As others said, if they really want to be sneaky or hide things I would never keep up. They would just move to some platform I've never heard of, set up another account, etc. So, I don't even have an illusion of knowing exactly what they are doing.

 

The one thing I do hold on to is having them put their phones on our nightstand overnight. If anything it just cuts down on the amount of time that can be spent, encourages sleep, and reinforces that the parents still can enforce boundaries if they choose to. My oldest ds stopped doing this only when he started college.

 

It is difficult to navigate for sure. I remind myself that teens have always had their secrets. That is not new. They have always had private conversations.

Though it certainly is more complicated than it used to be.

[regentrude]

The one thing I do hold on to is having them put their phones on our nightstand overnight

 

How do you do this when they are out late?

[teachermom2834]

How do you do this when they are out late?

My teens are rarely out late I guess. In the event they are out late they bring it in when they get home.

[zoobie]

I do have a problem with this. Even if the parent does not repeat what she read, it should be made clear from the beginning that mother is reading over son's shoulder. He should be able to tell his friend "just so you know, my mom reads my texts". I do not have the right to know other teens' private affairs, even if they communicate with my child.

(Just like I would want to be sure my personal communcations with my friends are private and their husbands aren't inspecting their social media accounts  - even if i don't have naything to "hide".)

 

Yeah, my daughter told a friend private information. Friend didn't know her mother read all of her texts (she mirrored them to her device). It wasn't anything dangerous or inappropriate, just private. I would have been horrified if my friends' mothers were listening in on our stupid teen angst-filled phone calls, and this feels like the same thing. This backfired on the mom because she mentioned something to her daughter about it and daughter figured it out. She now communicates via another method and has stopped telling her mom anything because she felt so betrayed. She used to be very close to her mom, and this has really driven a wedge between them.

 

If you're going to do it, tell them you're going to do it. 

[Scarlett]

I do have a problem with this. Even if the parent does not repeat what she read, it should be made clear from the beginning that mother is reading over son's shoulder. He should be able to tell his friend "just so you know, my mom reads my texts". I do not have the right to know other teens' private affairs, even if they communicate with my child.

(Just like I would want to be sure my personal communcations with my friends are private and their husbands aren't inspecting their social media accounts  - even if i don't have naything to "hide".)

 

 

Well he didn't know I read it.  And I did agree with him that it was private and thus I now allow him to lock his device down. 

[Scarlett]

Yeah, my daughter told a friend private information. Friend didn't know her mother read all of her texts (she mirrored them to her device). It wasn't anything dangerous or inappropriate, just private. I would have been horrified if my friends' mothers were listening in on our stupid teen angst-filled phone calls, and this feels like the same thing. This backfired on the mom because she mentioned something to her daughter about it and daughter figured it out. She now communicates via another method and has stopped telling her mom anything because she felt so betrayed. She used to be very close to her mom, and this has really driven a wedge between them.

 

If you're going to do it, tell them you're going to do it. 

 

 

I agree unless you have reason to think something horrible is going on. 

 

And to be clear the standard was I would look at his phone anytime I chose.  He just thought he was using a method I didn't know about.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

By the time my kids were almost 18, I did not monitor or try to control their access to anything.  I figured that if they were old enough to get drafted, old enough to vote, old enough to emancipate themselves from us entirely, they were old enough to figure out where they went on the internet.  I did walk into my son's room one day and some some photos on his screen that were rather more revealing than I would want to see, but my response was, "Really?"  And his response was to close the window, and say "Sorry, Mom."  End of story.  I think he was embarrassed.  But, I know that my brothers and I were exposed to all sorts of imagery (in the form of magazines) way before age 17.  Anyway, he never gave me any reason to worry about him.  He has always had a good head on his shoulders, was always home at a decent hour, generally told me about the stupid stuff he'd done (and the lessons he learned from those experiences).  

 

I suppose that different teens are different, but I think that if they haven't internalized your values by the time they're 17, they're just going to have to figure things out the hard way.  It's painful to watch because we want to keep protecting them like we did when they were little.  But, by 17, it's time to let go.

[freesia]

Oh, my goodness, this is a hard one and I, also, am reevaluating with my younger ones.

 

I firmly believe that middle school kids should have limited social media time (like one hour a week or less). (And the American Psychiatric Association just came out with something similar) I let my dd on at 12 because her friends were on.  But friends can become toxic.  And then there isn't an escape if you want to be on and that friend is in group chats.

 

I didn't realize pinterest and spotify and wattpad had private messaging until that became a problem, too.

 

We had to seriously back track.  Even though I was monitoring (but not enough at first), even though they had "good" friends.

 

They are just too young at that age to handle it and they do tend to think that they "know" people they meet online and it's easy to start to be more transparent with them that irl friends and that can cause problems. By the time we realized we needed to cut her back, losing those "friends" would have been hurtful and we were a bit stuck.

 

They also (middle school kids, but I've run into this with a 18 year old "friend", too) think that if they post something online to a community that it is private (and you shouldn't read it) even though it is PUBLIC. "But I didn't post it (completely publicly) for you to see" "I don't want you reading my stuff."  (Not stuff posted in private message--stuff posted publicly.

 

Really, I can't tell you how hard the past two years have been b/c I let my dd on "too young".  And she is a good kid, really.  She is just young and thinks like a middle schooler. Thankfully, that is changing.

 

With that in mind:

1.  I know all of ds's passwords and he knows I can read his posting, but mostly just occasionally glance.  This is bc I want him to know that accountability is important.  I do read his Skype group posts b/c of "toxic friend".He knows this and all on Skype know this. Of course, when he is 18 this will stop.

 

2. Dd has all her social media read by me. This is b/c of events of the past 2 years and is important and necessary to keep her safe.  She is still learning to make good decisions.  As she gets older and shows more mature decision making and, if we feel it is safe, we will do less monitoring.

 

3. The younger two will not be allowed on social media, probably until 9th grade.

 

4. No snapchat or instagram until 18,

 

5.  We limit internet time with a router and all devices in our room at 10.

 

I hate that we and our kids are guinea pigs in this.

 

 

[Scarlett]

By the time my kids were almost 18, I did not monitor or try to control their access to anything.  I figured that if they were old enough to get drafted, old enough to vote, old enough to emancipate themselves from us entirely, they were old enough to figure out where they went on the internet.  I did walk into my son's room one day and some some photos on his screen that were rather more revealing than I would want to see, but my response was, "Really?"  And his response was to close the window, and say "Sorry, Mom."  End of story.  I think he was embarrassed.  But, I know that my brothers and I were exposed to all sorts of imagery (in the form of magazines) way before age 17.  Anyway, he never gave me any reason to worry about him.  He has always had a good head on his shoulders, was always home at a decent hour, generally told me about the stupid stuff he'd done (and the lessons he learned from those experiences).  

 

I suppose that different teens are different, but I think that if they haven't internalized your values by the time they're 17, they're just going to have to figure things out the hard way.  It's painful to watch because we want to keep protecting them like we did when they were little.  But, by 17, it's time to let go.

 

 

I agree.  And it is painful, but I am working hard on finding the joy in watching him grow and become his own person. 

[DawnM]

My older 2 aren't the problem.  I actually trust them completely.  My 13 year old is giving us pause.  He wrote some things in texting on a game engine that we were NOT happy about.  

 

But my 17 and 19 year olds?  They have free reign pretty much.

[rutamattatt]

This is an interesting post for me to read.

 

We have DD19, DS15, DS13.  All three have smart phones.  None have internet access on their phones.  We have told our kids from day 1 of getting their phone that the rule is that we have access to their phones whenever we feel we need to check them.  They don't have phones in their bedrooms at all, and phones are put in the living room each night.

 

Each of them can choose one social media outlet.  They all three have Instagram (DS15 tried Facebook but couldn't believe all the drama so he left there), and the rule is that they have to "friend" us (or whatever it's called on Instagram).  

 

Our DD19 has special needs that limit her ability to make wise choices in this area.  She has chatted with 40 year old men who ask her for her address, pictures etc.  We talk about it ALL. THE. TIME.   She says she understands, but she just cannot tell people "no" or set healthy boundaries.  At one point she was in contact with the person who murdered her family member and was giving out information and wanting a relationship with this person.  This all happened when we thought she was old enough to make her own choices and deal with the consequences - before we realized how much of a lifelong struggle she would have with setting boundaries and what a GINORMOUS safety issue this created.  It is so difficult.  She appears to be a typical teen, but she just doesn't have the ability to safely navigate this stuff.  She thinks she does, she appears that she can, and that's the hardest part.    

 

DD19 has zero privacy on her electronics.  None.  We read all her texts and check her social media and the chat features on her game apps and chat features on video games.  I ahve never lost an ounce of sleep over invading her privacy or the privacy of others.  The upside is that our younger boys see that we check her devices and I think they just assume we check theirs.  I would if I felt a need to, but so far we haven't seen any.  But we are redonkulously watchful.

 

We have had to tell DS15 to take down an Instagram post and talk about why it might be considered offensive to some.  We tell them all the time not to post anything their grandparents would be embarrassed to read or that would make a college go "meh".

[busymama7]

Oh, my goodness, this is a hard one and I, also, am reevaluating with my younger ones.

 

I firmly believe that middle school kids should have limited social media time (like one hour a week or less). (And the American Psychiatric Association just came out with something similar) I let my dd on at 12 because her friends were on. But friends can become toxic. And then there isn't an escape if you want to be on and that friend is in group chats.

 

I didn't realize pinterest and spotify and wattpad had private messaging until that became a problem, too.

 

We had to seriously back track. Even though I was monitoring (but not enough at first), even though they had "good" friends.

 

They are just too young at that age to handle it and they do tend to think that they "know" people they meet online and it's easy to start to be more transparent with them that irl friends and that can cause problems. By the time we realized we needed to cut her back, losing those "friends" would have been hurtful and we were a bit stuck.

 

They also (middle school kids, but I've run into this with a 18 year old "friend", too) think that if they post something online to a community that it is private (and you shouldn't read it) even though it is PUBLIC. "But I didn't post it (completely publicly) for you to see" "I don't want you reading my stuff." (Not stuff posted in private message--stuff posted publicly.

 

Really, I can't tell you how hard the past two years have been b/c I let my dd on "too young". And she is a good kid, really. She is just young and thinks like a middle schooler. Thankfully, that is changing.

 

With that in mind:

1. I know all of ds's passwords and he knows I can read his posting, but mostly just occasionally glance. This is bc I want him to know that accountability is important. I do read his Skype group posts b/c of "toxic friend".He knows this and all on Skype know this. Of course, when he is 18 this will stop.

 

2. Dd has all her social media read by me. This is b/c of events of the past 2 years and is important and necessary to keep her safe. She is still learning to make good decisions. As she gets older and shows more mature decision making and, if we feel it is safe, we will do less monitoring.

 

3. The younger two will not be allowed on social media, probably until 9th grade.

 

4. No snapchat or instagram until 18,

 

5. We limit internet time with a router and all devices in our room at 10.

 

I hate that we and our kids are guinea pigs in this.

Yeah I hate it too. I think the risks are so much higher than any benefits. Can you see if you can find that statement mentioned at the top? I've searched and I can't. It is so hard to stay strong with these things I can use all the help I can get.

[Grantmom]

Thank you, everyone, for these very thoughtful perspectives!

[nixpix5]

My policy is under 18 yo I am still legally responsible for any knucklehead behavior and can be held legally responsible. Being as that is the case I kept close tabs on teens and had passwords (didn't use them). Once they hit 18 then they could change passwords and not give them to me.

[goldberry]

Prior to 17, I had access to all accounts and it was known that I would check randomly.  From 17-18 I backed way off, but still had the understanding that if I thought something was off or she might be in trouble in any way, I would check.  Since 18, no access.  

 

However, we have had long and open communication about social media, etc since an early age.  Also, DD has proven trustworthy and honest in other areas, so built up some capital in that way.  I was VERY strict and intrusive prior to 17, no qualms about it.  I viewed 17 to 18 as kind of practicing for her transition to adulthood, with just a wee bit of handholding and safetynetting..  That was the way some here on the board expressed it, and it seemed right to me.

[Murphy101]

My grown kids and older teens say they are very glad for how I handled things and have never had a problem with it. So I'm going to keep on as I have been.

[TCB]

My grown kids and older teens say they are very glad for how I handled things and have never had a problem with it. So I'm going to keep on as I have been.

 

Would you tell us what you do? 

[Murphy101]

Would you tell us what you do?

Oh dear. I started to post and then got interrupted by kids and put the phone down. I must have hit the add reply button as I slid it in the holder. Sorry!

 

None of my kids get a cellphone until they start college classes. Usually at 16ish. We tell them up front that it is not their phone. It is MY phone that I let them use for as long as I think they are doing so safely, responsibly, and with restraint. The phone is on my iTunes/Apple acct and I set up the passwords and everything. If they want to access anything i deem unsuitable or add any apps, they have to bring me their phone so I can enter the passwords. If they tried to guess it, so far none of them have were able to do so. The system will email when a password change has been requested or when any apps have been downloaded. I will at random times of my own choosing spontaneously ask for their phone. I will search it or anything else. If at any time I deem the phone a problem for them - I will take it and they may or may not get it back anytime soon. I make all of this clear to them before we ever get the phone. I explain brain development is not a character flaw. It doesn't matter who they see swimming carefree alone in the ocean. What matters to me is if my kid is ready to do so. And if I think think they are sinking, I'm going to pull them out for their own sake until they are ready.

 

There is no such thing as digital privacy and anyone or any app or website saying otherwise is a liar or a fool they shouldn't listen to. If they don't want me or anyone else to see it or hear it or read it - they better not put it in digital format. The end. This is just general good policy.

 

My kids under 16 do not even have their own email address. They use mine and at 16 I set up one with them, that I usually have to remind them to check.

 

Obviously our home schooling is very low tech even bough our household actually has a lot of technology in it imo. I have just never understood how we as a society have come to the point of spending thousands on tech and yet seem to struggle to impact even as much education as little house on the prairie managed with 4-6 books and some chalk. In 8th grade they get rather excited to type final drafts into the computer. Lol. And no, this has not negatively impacted any of them later in life. Not in college classes or much of anything else.

 

All electronics are pubic living spaces. Tv. DSi, iPad, Mac, laptops. They all stay downstairs. And usually they aren't in use outside of school/work unless family members are enjoying them together. (Family movie, multiple kids playing Xbox ...)

 

We discuss that devices are tracking tools. They track your information. They track your location. They track what you look at and discuss online. Again, do not expect that that information won't ever be public. It might. So again, don't go places online or do hints online you wouldn't want to be seen at by your mother.

 

I've had very few issues. So far. 😉 Some minor things overall, though it didn't seem like it at the time. But the 22-16 years old are all claiming it's a good thing compared to their classmates and friends experiences and are pretty insistent I stick to this for the younger ones. Since they have come to me to advocate for younger siblings with things they think I should reconsider that they wish I had or had not done with them, I'm confident if they felt my handing was not working, they would have said so and they certainly wouldn't have said they were grateful.

 

Eta: This sounds horridly controlling and time consuming but really it never has been. I set up the devices when we get them. I tell them the rules up front and why. Every once in a while I get a Mom Vibe that something is off and will ask for them to hand over their devices. Or simply go get the devices myself. Once it was life changing important. But a few times it was just minor but important lesson stuff. In all cases, they were better off I knew and we discussed whatever.

 

And I'm not petty about it. I don't take their phone bc they forgot to do dishes or because I don't like a new friend. It's not like that. 95% of the time, I never bother with any of their electronic going-ons.

Edited July 16, 2017 by Murphy101

[busymama7]

Oh dear. I started to post and then got interrupted by kids and put the phone down. I must have hit the add reply button as I slid it in the holder. Sorry!

 

None of my kids get a cellphone until they start college classes. Usually at 16ish. We tell them up front that it is not their phone. It is MY phone that I let them use for as long as I think they are doing so safely, responsibly, and with restraint. The phone is on my iTunes/Apple acct and I set up the passwords and everything. If they want to access anything i deem unsuitable or add any apps, they have to bring me their phone so I can enter the passwords. If they tried to guess it, so far none of them have were able to do so. The system will email when a password change has been requested or when any apps have been downloaded. I will at random times of my own choosing spontaneously ask for their phone. I will search it or anything else. If at any time I deem the phone a problem for them - I will take it and they may or may not get it back anytime soon. I make all of this clear to them before we ever get the phone. I explain brain development is not a character flaw. It doesn't matter who they see swimming carefree alone in the ocean. What matters to me is if my kid is ready to do so. And if I think think they are sinking, I'm going to pull them out for their own sake until they are ready.

 

There is no such thing as digital privacy and anyone or any app or website saying otherwise is a liar or a fool they shouldn't listen to. If they don't want me or anyone else to see it or hear it or read it - they better not put it in digital format. The end. This is just general good policy.

 

My kids under 16 do not even have their own email address. They use mine and at 16 I set up one with them, that I usually have to remind them to check.

 

Obviously our home schooling is very low tech even bough our household actually has a lot of technology in it imo. I have just never understood how we as a society have come to the point of spending thousands on tech and yet seem to struggle to impact even as much education as little house on the prairie managed with 4-6 books and some chalk. In 8th grade they get rather excited to type final drafts into the computer. Lol. And no, this has not negatively impacted any of them later in life. Not in college classes or much of anything else.

 

All electronics are pubic living spaces. Tv. DSi, iPad, Mac, laptops. They all stay downstairs. And usually they aren't in use outside of school/work unless family members are enjoying them together. (Family movie, multiple kids playing Xbox ...)

 

We discuss that devices are tracking tools. They track your information. They track your location. They track what you look at and discuss online. Again, do not expect that that information won't ever be public. It might. So again, don't go places online or do hints online you wouldn't want to be seen at by your mother.

 

I've had very few issues. So far. 😉 Some minor things overall, though it didn't seem like it at the time. But the 22-16 years old are all claiming it's a good thing compared to their classmates and friends experiences and are pretty insistent I stick to this for the younger ones. Since they have come to me to advocate for younger siblings with things they think I should reconsider that they wish I had or had not done with them, I'm confident if they felt my handing was not working, they would have said so and they certainly wouldn't have said they were grateful.

 

Eta: This sounds horridly controlling and time consuming but really it never has been. I set up the devices when we get them. I tell them the rules up front and why. Every once in a while I get a Mom Vibe that something is off and will ask for them to hand over their devices. Or simply go get the devices myself. Once it was life changing important. But a few times it was just minor but important lesson stuff. In all cases, they were better off I knew and we discussed whatever.

 

And I'm not petty about it. I don't take their phone bc they forgot to do dishes or because I don't like a new friend. It's not like that. 95% of the time, I never bother with any of their electronic going-ons.

Thank you for your input. Do your computers/laptops/tablets have passcodes and if so who knows them? We are struggling because it's just the default for everyone here to get on a device and it's just so frustrating to turn around and see several open computers etc with kids "just looking something up quickly" or "just playing a game" etc. I have had them locked but eventually end up tell older babysitting age teens as I'm not always home. And then, suddenly everyone knows them and gets on them whenever they feel like it. I just changed them all today but I know I will run into a situation when I will have to tell someone and then it just leaks out 😕. Just wondering how you handle it. Thanks

[Murphy101]

Thank you for your input. Do your computers/laptops/tablets have passcodes and if so who knows them? We are struggling because it's just the default for everyone here to get on a device and it's just so frustrating to turn around and see several open computers etc with kids "just looking something up quickly" or "just playing a game" etc. I have had them locked but eventually end up tell older babysitting age teens as I'm not always home. And then, suddenly everyone knows them and gets on them whenever they feel like it. I just changed them all today but I know I will run into a situation when I will have to tell someone and then it just leaks out 😕. Just wondering how you handle it. Thanks

The computer and laptop don't have any games on them. The kids are almost never allowed on computers/laptops/tablets at all. 8th graders and up use them for school and that's it. If I'm not home, they are not in use. There is nothing they need to do that can't wait until I'm home. Other than school, most electronics are not usually allowed unless it's communal use. So no tv unless we are all watching together. If I give it, then I change it later. They don't ask me for the codes to anything very offend they don't share the codes either. My older ones won't give them to the younger ones and they don't use them without asking me first.

[Elizabeth86]

This is an interesting post for me to read.

 

We have DD19, DS15, DS13. All three have smart phones. None have internet access on their phones. We have told our kids from day 1 of getting their phone that the rule is that we have access to their phones whenever we feel we need to check them. They don't have phones in their bedrooms at all, and phones are put in the living room each night.

 

Each of them can choose one social media outlet. They all three have Instagram (DS15 tried Facebook but couldn't believe all the drama so he left there), and the rule is that they have to "friend" us (or whatever it's called on Instagram).

 

Our DD19 has special needs that limit her ability to make wise choices in this area. She has chatted with 40 year old men who ask her for her address, pictures etc. We talk about it ALL. THE. TIME. She says she understands, but she just cannot tell people "no" or set healthy boundaries. At one point she was in contact with the person who murdered her family member and was giving out information and wanting a relationship with this person. This all happened when we thought she was old enough to make her own choices and deal with the consequences - before we realized how much of a lifelong struggle she would have with setting boundaries and what a GINORMOUS safety issue this created. It is so difficult. She appears to be a typical teen, but she just doesn't have the ability to safely navigate this stuff. She thinks she does, she appears that she can, and that's the hardest part.

 

DD19 has zero privacy on her electronics. None. We read all her texts and check her social media and the chat features on her game apps and chat features on video games. I ahve never lost an ounce of sleep over invading her privacy or the privacy of others. The upside is that our younger boys see that we check her devices and I think they just assume we check theirs. I would if I felt a need to, but so far we haven't seen any. But we are redonkulously watchful.

 

We have had to tell DS15 to take down an Instagram post and talk about why it might be considered offensive to some. We tell them all the time not to post anything their grandparents would be embarrassed to read or that would make a college go "meh".

Im just reading through all replys as I only have littles right now and yours made me giggle. Do you know what I would have had to do to come up with something to say that my grandma would have found embarassing to read?? She has made me feel embarassed a lot, but not the other way round. Omg I miss her so bad.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I could probably guess what my kids passwords are but I would never check.  I hope that I raised them and taught them to be reasoning and responsible in their behavior.  I'm really not concerned, they have both been astounded with DSD's online behavior and derisive of her choices/actions.  Seriously the kid has issues with online social networks, her mother never let her have any access then she came to live with us and we don't censor/restrict but she has me tempted to break all our parenting codes and put her on lockdown (she's almost 17 so that won't work).  I think if you raise them with lots of talking and explaining and make sure they understand all the really bad parts you won't need to snoop/restrict them later... well it's worked for us so far.

[foxbridgeacademy]

Im just reading through all replys as I only have littles right now and yours made me giggle. Do you know what I would have had to do to come up with something to say that my grandma would have found embarassing to read?? She has made me feel embarassed a lot, but not the other way round. Omg I miss her so bad.

Awww, sounds like my Mimi who passed away on Christmas.  I could tell her anything, even the really bad stuff and she just hug me and pat my arm and tell me she loved me.  Then she'd tell me a story from when she did something outrageous when she was young.

[busymama7]

The computer and laptop don't have any games on them. The kids are almost never allowed on computers/laptops/tablets at all. 8th graders and up use them for school and that's it. If I'm not home, they are not in use. There is nothing they need to do that can't wait until I'm home. Other than school, most electronics are not usually allowed unless it's communal use. So no tv unless we are all watching together. If I give it, then I change it later. They don't ask me for the codes to anything very offend they don't share the codes either. My older ones won't give them to the younger ones and they don't use them without asking me first.

Thanks! I feel like we are already way too far down this path and I don't know how to dig out. We do have games on tablets and mineceaft on the laptops. Plus I do like the kids being able to watch movies when I'm gone. That requires them to know the passcodes. I don't think the big kids have ever directly told the younger kids the passcode. I think it just becomes common knowledge some weird way. Like one time my phone was linked to the Apple TV to watch something and then it shut off and I opened it and put in the code and they all saw it. They don't miss a thing! I did change it but because I have allowed mineceaft when I'm gone they knew the computer codes. I changed them again this week and have only told the two who babysitt 15 and 17. The 2 olders have all their own laptops and tablets anyways. Plus we have such a huge age spread (2-20) that it is rare that they would all be watching the same thing which requires multiple devices going. At the same time I see so many problems happening from too free of access. So hard to know what to do.

[nixpix5]

Oh dear. I started to post and then got interrupted by kids and put the phone down. I must have hit the add reply button as I slid it in the holder. Sorry!

 

None of my kids get a cellphone until they start college classes. Usually at 16ish. We tell them up front that it is not their phone. It is MY phone that I let them use for as long as I think they are doing so safely, responsibly, and with restraint. The phone is on my iTunes/Apple acct and I set up the passwords and everything. If they want to access anything i deem unsuitable or add any apps, they have to bring me their phone so I can enter the passwords. If they tried to guess it, so far none of them have were able to do so. The system will email when a password change has been requested or when any apps have been downloaded. I will at random times of my own choosing spontaneously ask for their phone. I will search it or anything else. If at any time I deem the phone a problem for them - I will take it and they may or may not get it back anytime soon. I make all of this clear to them before we ever get the phone. I explain brain development is not a character flaw. It doesn't matter who they see swimming carefree alone in the ocean. What matters to me is if my kid is ready to do so. And if I think think they are sinking, I'm going to pull them out for their own sake until they are ready.

 

There is no such thing as digital privacy and anyone or any app or website saying otherwise is a liar or a fool they shouldn't listen to. If they don't want me or anyone else to see it or hear it or read it - they better not put it in digital format. The end. This is just general good policy.

 

My kids under 16 do not even have their own email address. They use mine and at 16 I set up one with them, that I usually have to remind them to check.

 

Obviously our home schooling is very low tech even bough our household actually has a lot of technology in it imo. I have just never understood how we as a society have come to the point of spending thousands on tech and yet seem to struggle to impact even as much education as little house on the prairie managed with 4-6 books and some chalk. In 8th grade they get rather excited to type final drafts into the computer. Lol. And no, this has not negatively impacted any of them later in life. Not in college classes or much of anything else.

 

All electronics are pubic living spaces. Tv. DSi, iPad, Mac, laptops. They all stay downstairs. And usually they aren't in use outside of school/work unless family members are enjoying them together. (Family movie, multiple kids playing Xbox ...)

 

We discuss that devices are tracking tools. They track your information. They track your location. They track what you look at and discuss online. Again, do not expect that that information won't ever be public. It might. So again, don't go places online or do hints online you wouldn't want to be seen at by your mother.

 

I've had very few issues. So far. 😉 Some minor things overall, though it didn't seem like it at the time. But the 22-16 years old are all claiming it's a good thing compared to their classmates and friends experiences and are pretty insistent I stick to this for the younger ones. Since they have come to me to advocate for younger siblings with things they think I should reconsider that they wish I had or had not done with them, I'm confident if they felt my handing was not working, they would have said so and they certainly wouldn't have said they were grateful.

 

Eta: This sounds horridly controlling and time consuming but really it never has been. I set up the devices when we get them. I tell them the rules up front and why. Every once in a while I get a Mom Vibe that something is off and will ask for them to hand over their devices. Or simply go get the devices myself. Once it was life changing important. But a few times it was just minor but important lesson stuff. In all cases, they were better off I knew and we discussed whatever.

 

And I'm not petty about it. I don't take their phone bc they forgot to do dishes or because I don't like a new friend. It's not like that. 95% of the time, I never bother with any of their electronic going-ons.

One of my roles at the school I worked at was to talk to parents about the neurobiological implications of tech on their kids and how to manage it in the teen years. This is EXACTLY what I encouraged parents to do if they wanted good outcomes. I constantly heard "that is too controlling" or "I want to trust my child" or a myriad of other excuses. This plan IS manageable and has the healthiest outcomes for young people. Unsupervised tech in a bedroom makes me cringe inside. Family common space tech is ideal.

 

Nice work! :)

Edited July 21, 2017 by nixpix5

[AmandaVT]

DS isn't old enough for a phone yet, but I'm reading with interest to get ideas on how I want to handle this in the future. 

 

There is one story that has stuck with me for years. One of my former gymnasts had a flip phone with no texting capabilities, just calls and was not allowed to get texting until she turned 18. She was grumpy about it at times, but by 16-17, she was so grateful that she was avoiding the drama. This was pre-Snapchat and Instagram (I think). It was really fascinating to watch her grow up from a 12-13-year-old wanting texting access and thinking her parents just didn't understand to a 17-year-old, grateful they had kept her out of the middle/early high school drama. 

 

I don't see myself not allowing any texting access - DS can use iMessage on his iPad during his screen time and frequently texts family on there, but I may hold him off of social media until the later teen years. I know too many teens who have gotten bullied or have made bad choices even in great families.

[Murphy101]

Thanks! I feel like we are already way too far down this path and I don't know how to dig out. We do have games on tablets and mineceaft on the laptops. Plus I do like the kids being able to watch movies when I'm gone. That requires them to know the passcodes. I don't think the big kids have ever directly told the younger kids the passcode. I think it just becomes common knowledge some weird way. Like one time my phone was linked to the Apple TV to watch something and then it shut off and I opened it and put in the code and they all saw it. They don't miss a thing! I did change it but because I have allowed mineceaft when I'm gone they knew the computer codes. I changed them again this week and have only told the two who babysitt 15 and 17. The 2 olders have all their own laptops and tablets anyways. Plus we have such a huge age spread (2-20) that it is rare that they would all be watching the same thing which requires multiple devices going. At the same time I see so many problems happening from too free of access. So hard to know what to do.

My ages spread from 9 months to 22 years. And then of course there is me and Dh too. Not a problem. Anything for older kid/adult viewing has to wait until after bedtime or not at all. And even then, we watch with them. Anything Dh and I want to watch without even the older teens/young adults waits until they aren't up either. It's tv/movies. The world won't end if we have to wait to watch something or even if we don't watch it at all.

 

I'm currently in another state with 3 of the kids. (#5, 9 and 11) It's not a problem. The older kids feel rather strongly that they are glad for this. They called once to ask if Inside Out was okay to watch after dinner as a special treat. (I said yes.) They have played board games, heroclix, wrestled some (my poor baby Jesus statue got his block knocked off. Again. Lol). One sewed a surprise for me on the sewing machine and he broke the needle and fixed it too. They have probably played more on their brother's switch and watched more movies than if I were home, but nothing I'm bothered by or to excess. I'm pretty sure they had a root beer float after lunch every day this week without me there. I expect normal siblings home alone being watched by grown siblings spoiling them stuff and that's how I'd characterize things like that so far. Nothing bothersome or upsetting to me.