Kids 8+ sitting in on adult conversations....

[fairfarmhand]

I definitely send my kids to go play so that I can talk to my friends!

 

 

One likes hang out for a while and chat with the adults, but after a certain point I send his off to be with the other kids.

 

There's a lot of reasons. First of all,HELLO I don't get to chat with my friends irl all the time and since circumstances dictated that when I do, it's often when all out kids are there, tough nuts, I get to have some time to myself and my friends too!! DH sees his friends, kid free, all. The. Time, and I don't bother my kids when they are with THEIR friends.

There's a balance because it is important I think that kids sit in on adults sometimes, to get a feel for it. But it 100% doesn't need to be every single time I sit down with my friends. Balance.

 

Also, my kids NEED to go play free play type play with other kids besides the two of them. There's a "social muscle" there that needs to be developed and maintained.

 

It's not about kids being seen and not heard. It's about all of us being human, with social needs. I absolutely reserve the right to carve out teeny tiny slivers of time (geesh) where a friend can talk in Confidence about her pending divorce or whatever. Or just... Day to day stuff without everything being sanitized for kids.

 

If m talking with someone else and they don't choose to scoot their kids off to play, then so be it. But it's HIGHLY impractical to say any given individual who is with her kids 24 freaking 7 should never tell them to go play so she can have a private conversation.

 

Shoot. For that matter, I've had friends over before and I've asked my husband to let us chat. He (who, again, gets to spend time with adults who are his friends just for the joy of it whenever his work schedule allows) understands completely why that's important.

 

Me too.

 

Right now, I moved my laptop into the kitchen so my kids can chat and play games with their friends without their mom hovering.

 

The irony is that they all like me and they holler at me from time to time in there. But, I allow them the space when I'm not right there.

 

My friends and I get together and we do tell our kids cheerfully, not irritated, not angrily. "Okay. time to go play!"

 

I'll let my kids hang out for a few minutes and then say, "Can you go find something to do?"

 

Because I get like 3-4 hours a MONTH for adult conversation. I protect it. Not disrespectfully, or unkindly. But firmly.

 

However, during family gatherings or when my dh and I are chatting, most of the time they are not shooed away. They can drift in and out of the conversations as they like. That's how they learn to talk with adults.

 

And really, people who run into my kids, are always pleased by how well they interact with adults and converse. Me telling them to Go Play for 3-4 hours a MONTH so I can chat apparently hasn't hurt them.

 

 

[Guest]

My kids are very polite and relevant with adults. Ive always sent them off to play when I wanted to talk to someone else. They are not teens yet.

 

I was allowed to listen to anything with my friends, grandparents, and all their friends. Adults made ME nervous.

 

I don't think it's a one to one correlation.

[fairfarmhand]

One thing I do try to point out to my kids is that at large gatherings, they need to pay attention to social dynamics. If two people are stepped off in a corner talking in lowered voices for a short time, they need to respect that someone has tried to make a private space. Perhaps it's not the ideal time, but when you have small kids, there may not be an ideal time for a private convo.

[forty-two]

I grew up in a house where children were expected to conform to adults, not the other way around.

If the adults were to have company or whatever, we were expected to behave and stay out of it. The concept of changing their conversation or what they watched on tv or anything else they did because of children was just not done.

But why would kids mean these things were necessary?

Same question here. To me, quietly listening to an adult conversation (as I did many times), by adults and for adults, *was* me conforming to adults. I just wasn't *excluded* from adults. If I wanted to play, I could play - just elsewhere, where we wouldn't interfere with the conversation. The adult conversation area was for adult-style conversation, not noisy kid play. If adults wanted to play noisily, they left the conversation areas and went to the noisy play areas (either to play with kids, or elsewhere to play more rowdy teen/young adult games). If kids wanted to sit quietly and listen to the adult conversation, they came to the adult conversation areas.

 

I guess that's the difference to me. Sitting with adults absolutely required one to conform to adult expectations. And the adults established where the quiet conversation areas were and where the noisy playing areas were, and noisy kids were sent out of the quiet conversation area. But kids who conformed to adult conversation norms weren't *excluded* from adult conversation areas. Sitting quietly and listening (and conversing once we were older, in our teens) was perfectly acceptable. Kids weren't excluded from adult areas - just required to conform to adult norms while we were there.

Edited July 7, 2017 by forty-two

[Butter]

I wonder about people who say the kids are welcome in (pretty much) all their conversations with friends... when a group of tweens/teens is over, are you as an adult welcome to join them?   Sit in and listen quietly, or contribute to the conversation?   Does your kid have to specifically say "Mom, Joe and I have something private we need to talk about; can you excuse us for a minute?"  Or do you let your teens alone to be with their friends, and allow them to invite you to join them if you are needed/wanted for some reason?  

 

Not being snarky.  Someone mentioned that respect goes both ways.  I respect my teens' desire to talk to their friends without my involvement. I expect the same respect from them. 

 

Yes. I have been told by my teens' friends that I am weird, but the teens (my teens' friends) *ask* me to stick around and chat with them.  Now, obviously, sometimes I don't want to (just like sometimes my kids don't want to be around adult conversation), but often I do stay with them.  Just like when I was a teen with my parents, sometimes they'll go on a walk or outside to chat completely in private and that's fine, too.  But, usually, I actually am there whether I am listening or not (often even in the same room I'm actually not lol).  I find teenagers to be amazing, articulate humans.  Really, there is no need for specific invitations or not.  We are just always around each other.  Several of my kids' friends have said they don't know families other than ours that actually all sit together in the living room and hang out.  I find that very strange since it's how I was raised, but my husband assures me he knew no families like that either (including his own - they rarely sat and hung out together).

Edited July 7, 2017 by Butter

[fairfarmhand]

Yes. I have been told by my teens' friends that I am weird, but the teens (my teens' friends) *ask* me to stick around and chat with them.  Now, obviously, sometimes I don't want to (just like sometimes my kids don't want to be around adult conversation), but often I do stay with them.  Just like when I was a teen with my parents, sometimes they'll go on a walk or outside to chat completely in private and that's fine, too.  But, usually, I actually am there whether I am listening or not (often even in the same room I'm actually not lol).  I find teenagers to be amazing, articulate humans.  Really, there is no need for specific invitations or not.  We are just always around each other.  Several of my kids' friends have said they don't know families other than ours that actually all sit together in the living room and hang out.  I find that very strange since it's how I was raised, but my husband assures me he knew no families like that either (including his own - they rarely sat and hung out together).

 

I totally agree.

 

Teens are so interesting.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes. I have been told by my teens' friends that I am weird, but the teens *ask* me to stick around and chat with them.  Now, obviously, sometimes I don't want to (just like sometimes my kids don't want to be around adult conversation), but often I do stay with them.  Just like when I was a teen with my parents, sometimes they'll go on a walk or outside to chat completely in private and that's fine, too.  But, usually, I actually am there whether I am listening or not (often even in the same room I'm actually not lol).  I find teenagers to be amazing, articulate humans.  Really, there is no need for specific invitations or not.  We are just always around each other.  Several of my kids' friends have said they don't know families other than ours that actually all sit together in the living room and hang out.  I find that very strange since it's how I was raised, but my husband assures me he knew no families like that either (including his own - they rarely sat and hung out together).

 

This.  When my kids first bring friends over the teens are often surprised at first when my kids ask my opinion on something (for example, a favorite musical artist) but after awhile they are so much more comfortable talking to me and dh just as they would my teens (with possibly some better word choices ;) ).  We enjoy talking to each other with no age segregation.  Ds20 gets a kick out of his gaming friends asking to talk to me sometimes on Skype or wanting to play a RPG with me.  We discuss all sorts of things. 

[GinaPagnato]

I think for the most part it depends on the conversations occurring. Some are perfectly fine for kids to hear, but others aren't. And the truth is, I feel constrained by the presence of other people's kids when in conversation with the adults. There are many topics that are inappropriate for kids to listen to, and I would absolutely tell my kids to find something else to do.

 

 

[HomeAgain]

I had a lot of mixed thoughts on this.  I think my opinion is that children do not bother me, but I am in my rights to ask for space if needed, even if it means talking to someone's child directly.  "I need to talk to your mama about something.  Could you give us 5 minutes, please?"

I grew up around adults.  There weren't always other children to play with.  It's how we learned manners.  Remember that old article on homeschoolers and socialization?  Yeah.  It's THAT.  It's learning to be with people of all ages, not just children.  Last night we had some of dh's work friends over.  All with no children.  Ds7 was polite, attentive to the conversation, didn't derail it with Minecraft or Star Wars (a small blessing!), and helped out with the work that needed to be done.  At 9pm he said his goodnights and went up for a shower and bed, giddy that he had been allowed to stay up.

 

The only constraint on the conversation was a lot less swearing. :lol: We were complimented on how he handled himself.  It's taken a long time to get here.  If he was always shooed off to play he wouldn't have learned. 

 

Some kids are put off by large groups.  It takes them a while to get comfortable on park days or feel like they have friends.  I don't think it's right to not take that into account, but I also think that in an adult group, the same social expectations need to be put on the child.

[wendyroo]

Same question here. To me, quietly listening to an adult conversation (as I did many times), by adults and for adults, *was* me conforming to adults. I just wasn't *excluded* from adults. If I wanted to play, I could play - just elsewhere, where we wouldn't interfere with the conversation. The adult conversation area was for adult-style conversation, not noisy kid play. If adults wanted to play noisily, they left the conversation areas and went to the noisy play areas (either to play with kids, or elsewhere to play more rowdy teen/young adult games). If kids wanted to sit quietly and listen to the adult conversation, they came to the adult conversation areas.

 

I guess that's the difference to me. Sitting with adults absolutely required one to conform to adult expectations. And the adults established where the quiet conversation areas were and where the noisy playing areas were, and noisy kids were sent out of the quiet conversation area. But kids who conformed to adult conversation norms weren't *excluded* from adult conversation areas. Sitting quietly and listening (and conversing once we were older, in our teens) was perfectly acceptable. Kids weren't excluded from adult areas - just required to conform to adult norms while we were there.

 

In my experience, because kids are blabbermouths:

 

"Thank you for lending us that book, Kate.  We really enjoyed it."

"But, remember Mom, I hated it, and you said we didn't have to finish it."

 

"We used to have a dog too, but..."

"What dog, Mom?  You're wrong, we never had a dog!!  Why don't we have a dog now?"

 

"We didn't make it camping this summer."

"Yes we did.  We slept in that blanket fort.  That is camping."

 

"My doctor suggested I strictly limit how many carbs I am eating."

"What's a carb?  How many carbs should you eat?  What's your doctor's name?  Is he a boy or a girl? ..."

[Then later, the child will offer unsolicited, uninformed low-carb advice to an overweight relative.   :thumbdown: ]

 

Everything I say in their presence will be mis-repeated at the most rude, inopportune times.  And I'm not talking about secret, private information, but just adult conversation that the kids simply do not have the life experience to understand and properly keep to themselves.

 

Wendy

[MEmama]

Right on.

 

I wonder about people who say the kids are welcome in (pretty much) all their conversations with friends... when a group of tweens/teens is over, are you as an adult welcome to join them? Sit in and listen quietly, or contribute to the conversation? Does your kid have to specifically say "Mom, Joe and I have something private we need to talk about; can you excuse us for a minute?" Or do you let your teens alone to be with their friends, and allow them to invite you to join them if you are needed/wanted for some reason?

 

Not being snarky. Someone mentioned that respect goes both ways. I respect my teens' desire to talk to their friends without my involvement. I expect the same respect from them.

 

At a gathering where there are multiple generations, there might be some of each going on, with people floating in and out of groups. If a group of teens gathered out in my backyard to talk, I wouldn't presume to join them.

 

Also I would say teens of say 13/14 and up are not the same as kids of 8 - 12ish. Of course kids have to learn the skills of adult conversation; they don't have to be in every conversation, though.

When my teen has a friend over, they usually hang out and chat in the kitchen while I'm in there. So yeah, they definitely "invite" me into their conversations. :)

 

Mine has always preferred adults to other kids though.

[TeenagerMom]

My teens and young adults often talk to their friends within earshot of me and ask me questions inviting me to join the conversation.  I think that is a result, at least to some degree with including them in my conversations. 

 

I consider a conversation about someone's pending divorce as private.  I doubt that they would discuss it with any passing adult. 

 

If I want to spend time alone with my friends, I go out with them for coffee etc. without anyone else.  If I want to talk to them on the phone alone then I go out onto the deck and shut the door.  I don't see larger casual social gatherings like park days as being particularly conducive to in depth conversation

 

 

 

My teens and their friends usually include me also.  My daughter's friends think I'm great (according to her) because I don't treat them like they are stupid teenagers. 

 

I'm the same way, if I want adult conversation, I schedule time with my friends without my kids, especially since 99% of my friends' children are not friends of my own children. I don't expect them to entertain other people's teens/kids so I can have adult time.

 

And it's commonly known in my household that if I'm outside on the phone, it's because I don't want them being nosy or interrupting.

[Julie Smith]

:iagree: Respect is a 2 way street and adults don't deserve more than kids. 

 

Sometimes, in the past I would tell me kids to go away and play. (Nicely of course) 

 

And sometimes my boys would, again nicely tell me to go away and 'play'. So it is a two way street. Mostly they don't like me being in the kitchen/computer room when they are playing computer games. And I'm okay with that, especially when their friend is over because he is so loud and 'sings' about what is happening in the game. (Calling it singing is pushing it.)

[Jaybee]

It depends. Our children have mostly grown up in an environment where friends coming through was a special treat! (ex-pat situations) They have normally been permitted to stay and participate in the conversations, especially as teens, but definitely not take over and dominate them. And then occasionally we've (or I've) said, "We'd like to talk privately now, please." And that's been okay too.

[forty-two]

In my experience, because kids are blabbermouths:

 

"Thank you for lending us that book, Kate. We really enjoyed it."

"But, remember Mom, I hated it, and you said we didn't have to finish it."

 

"We used to have a dog too, but..."

"What dog, Mom? You're wrong, we never had a dog!! Why don't we have a dog now?"

 

"We didn't make it camping this summer."

"Yes we did. We slept in that blanket fort. That is camping."

 

"My doctor suggested I strictly limit how many carbs I am eating."

"What's a carb? How many carbs should you eat? What's your doctor's name? Is he a boy or a girl? ..."

[Then later, the child will offer unsolicited, uninformed low-carb advice to an overweight relative. :thumbdown: ]

 

Everything I say in their presence will be mis-repeated at the most rude, inopportune times. And I'm not talking about secret, private information, but just adult conversation that the kids simply do not have the life experience to understand and properly keep to themselves.

 

Wendy

Idk, that's not been my experience. Idk how much is because I don't see some of those kid outbursts as big deals - "Mom, I don't remember that!" "Well, it happened _________. And....." - versus how many don't really happen in our specific situations with our specific kids. So far whatever unsolicited advice they've offered in good faith has fell on the "cute" versus "offensive" side of the coin. (And they only do that with adults they know well, adults with whom they a relationship that allows for that sort of learning experience.). And their interruptions about how things "really" happened have thus far been sporadic enough to not be a big deal. Some of your examples seemed to involve polite social lies, and idk, I try to find polite things to say that are also *true*. I've actually practiced with the kids on thinking through polite things to say that are also true when it comes to thanking people for well meaning gifts/whatever that didn't work out as intended - I think that's an important life skill. And it makes them more sensitive to those times, and less likely to offer an ill-timed correction to what I am saying.

 

My kids were very shy at the ages they were most socially unaware, so there was less of the preschool thoughtless bluntness in public. But the topic is age eight plus, and so far both of my 8+ kids have been capable of learning to think about others' feelings. Plus I do value kind truth over a kind lie, so I try hard not to tell social lies in the first place, which means I don't have to worry about an inopportune kid correction uncovering my polite untruth. And it's not as if my dh and I don't have private conversations - I don't talk about things in front of the kids if I really don't want them to tell others (or don't want them to know for whatever reason). But otoh, we do talk about some things in front of the kids that need to stay within the family, and we tell them that (and *why*) and it's never been a problem. In general when they ask about potentially sensitive issues (like diets), I include a guide to where and when and how to discuss those issues with others, especially others you don't know too well, too avoid causing inadvertent offense.

 

Idk, my kids have blurted out plenty of overly blunt sort of tmi things, but they all fall under "slightly embarrassing kid things the adults get a good chuckle out of" - nothing truly embarrassing or cringeworthy, nothing that needs *distance* before the involved adults can find it funny. And the only conversations they tend to monopolize are with grandparents - with adults at church and in big groups, they do just fine listening and not interfering. Whatever blabber mouthing they do has so far been within our expected norms and has been relatively easily dealt with, and hasn't seemed to cause issues with adult friends. (Honestly, usually they go play. But if they want to listen, they can and do, and they only real problem I've had is when they got bored but were too shy to go play without me. But thankfully those days are mostly over :phew.)

[Guest]

I don't want to chuckle at how cute my kids are. I know cute they are. I want to talk to my own friends.

 

Clearly mmv.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Although she said 8+.  This seems like something kids younger than that are more likely to do.  I'm sure there are plenty of exceptions and if someone has a kid who constantly interrupts and does this they'd probably be the one to redirect the kid to go play or deal with the situation. 

 

 

In my experience, because kids are blabbermouths:

 

"Thank you for lending us that book, Kate.  We really enjoyed it."

"But, remember Mom, I hated it, and you said we didn't have to finish it."

 

"We used to have a dog too, but..."

"What dog, Mom?  You're wrong, we never had a dog!!  Why don't we have a dog now?"

 

"We didn't make it camping this summer."

"Yes we did.  We slept in that blanket fort.  That is camping."

 

"My doctor suggested I strictly limit how many carbs I am eating."

"What's a carb?  How many carbs should you eat?  What's your doctor's name?  Is he a boy or a girl? ..."

[Then later, the child will offer unsolicited, uninformed low-carb advice to an overweight relative.   :thumbdown: ]

 

Everything I say in their presence will be mis-repeated at the most rude, inopportune times.  And I'm not talking about secret, private information, but just adult conversation that the kids simply do not have the life experience to understand and properly keep to themselves.

 

Wendy

 

[fraidycat]

IME, park day was for gathering and conversing. Kids and adults. Kids would drift in and out of the "adult area" and adults would drift around the park, conversing with kids while supervising, etc. Family event = family friendly conversation topics.

 

When us moms wanted adult conversations, we did mom's night out for the evening OR overnight in a hotel.

 

I grew up the same way. Sometimes playing with the kids, sometimes sitting at the adult table.

[wendyroo]

Some of your examples seemed to involve polite social lies, and idk, I try to find polite things to say that are also *true*.

 

Actually, all of my examples happened in real life, and none of them were social lies.  

 

"We" a subset of the family did finish and enjoy the book...we just didn't invite Mr. Crankypants to join us because he had already made his feeling very well known.  There was no reason to bring that up with the person who kindly lent us the book.

 

We did have a dog, whether or not the child remembers is irrelevant to the conversation.  

 

The way the adult and I were both using the word "camping" did not include blanket forts in the living room.

 

Etc.  

 

Wendy

[SparklyUnicorn]

IME, park day was for gathering and conversing. Kids and adults. Kids would drift in and out of the "adult area" and adults would drift around the park, conversing with kids while supervising, etc. Family event = family friendly conversation topics.

 

When us moms wanted adult conversations, we did mom's night out for the evening OR overnight in a hotel.

 

I grew up the same way. Sometimes playing with the kids, sometimes sitting at the adult table.

 

Yeah with the constant interruptions of littles and keeping an eye on stuff, how awesome is a park day with kids as a "mom time out" situation?  It's not IMO.  It's still nice to have other adults to chat with, but I can't say I've ever felt like it was this awesome adult only time.

 

I dunno.  I like my kids.  They are better company than most adults to be honest. 

[wendyroo]

Although she said 8+.  This seems like something kids younger than that are more likely to do.  I'm sure there are plenty of exceptions and if someone has a kid who constantly interrupts and does this they'd probably be the one to redirect the kid to go play or deal with the situation. 

 

Yes, my 8+ autistic, ADD kiddo is the one CONSTANTLY interrupting, and I am the one telling him to shuffle off to Buffalo because he is being a pain in the tuchus.

 

Wendy

[amy g.]

Right on.

 

I wonder about people who say the kids are welcome in (pretty much) all their conversations with friends... when a group of tweens/teens is over, are you as an adult welcome to join them? Sit in and listen quietly, or contribute to the conversation? Does your kid have to specifically say "Mom, Joe and I have something private we need to talk about; can you excuse us for a minute?" Or do you let your teens alone to be with their friends, and allow them to invite you to join them if you are needed/wanted for some reason?

 

Not being snarky. Someone mentioned that respect goes both ways. I respect my teens' desire to talk to their friends without my involvement. I expect the same respect from them.

 

At a gathering where there are multiple generations, there might be some of each going on, with people floating in and out of groups. If a group of teens gathered out in my backyard to talk, I wouldn't presume to join them.

 

Also I would say teens of say 13/14 and up are not the same as kids of 8 - 12ish. Of course kids have to learn the skills of adult conversation; they don't have to be in every conversation, though.

We just had a group of teenagers over last week. Grown ups, teenagers and younger kids were all included in the conversations.

 

There was no grouping by age at all.

[Joker]

I enjoy talking with my kids more than a lot of the adults in my life so I definitely don't mind having them around. I can't remember ever feeling a need to tell them to go play. It seems we've not gone out of our way to limit certain conversations since they were around 9/10 years old. We talk about almost anything in front of them and with them. If someone isn't comfortable sharing something in front my teens then honestly it's probably not something I want or need to know either.

[zoobie]

Maybe it's a difference in how often people get together with adults... I see my best friends who also have kids maybe a few times a year. We are usually at my house, so there are plenty of activities to do, and most of the kids have a similarly aged buddy. I absolutely tell them to go play and let Mama chat.

 

I'm with my kids allllll of the time. They get plenty of adult conversation. They know how to behave and chat. If it's a family activity (ball game, holiday, party), they converse just fine with adults. If it's us with our good friend who is single, we usually have dinner together and chat and they get to catch up with her too. After an hour or so, I send them on their way so I can chat with her. I would otherwise never have time alone with friends.

[forty-two]

I don't want to chuckle at how cute my kids are. I know cute they are. I want to talk to my own friends.

 

Clearly mmv.

Definitely ymmv, but it's not like my kids' cute antics are dominating the adult conversation. (If they were, I'd excuse myself and my kid from the conversation, and go help them get involved in kid play.). Usually, when they are there, they are quietly listening. Also, this conversation is about 8+, which ime is mostly beyond the cute antics contributions anyway. It's just that the kids are welcome to be part of adult conversation on adult terms, and while this can involve an occasional kid interruption, it mostly does not. And I do teach the kids about *how* to conduct themselves in an adult conversation (usually at home, so it's not like I'm spending my adult conversation time moderating my kids) - I'm not leaving it up to chance.

 

Idk, I don't think most of us on either side are *that* far apart. If you have older kids, sometimes they are with you and sometimes they are off with other kids. There are different expectations for them when they are with you versus off with other kids. The difference seems to be over *how long* they are present with you/other-adults, and how *disruptive* their presence with the adults is.

 

I don't mind if they are present for a time, and I don't find it disruptive. And this has been the general tone of my extended family and adult acquaintance circles thus far (wrt family, adults & children, events). Other differ. But if you sat down at one of our events, it's not like it's all-children-all-the-time in the adult conversation areas. Mostly the kids are off playing. They aren't a substantial presence in terms of time there, and when they *are* there, they aren't a substantial presence in terms of the attention they attract.

 

Idk why, but there seems to be an assumption that children's occasional presence is *inherently* attention-getting, and ime that just isn't the case with older children. But ymmv.

 

(Otoh, the presence of older babies and toddlers, too young to run off and play, and too old to sit still in mom's lap - that can definitely be a distraction. Which is why in our family the adults switch off who watches the littles play, so they don't need to be a distraction to the adults conversing (and the parents can get a break and some adult conversation). Or (with my shy kids), I'm consigned to kid watching till they are old enough to go out of my sight. That was a sucky time, where I was starved for adult conversation. But that was with toddlers and preschoolers, not school-age kids.)

[Guest]

We just had a group of teenagers over last week. Grown ups, teenagers and younger kids were all included in the conversations.

 

There was no grouping by age at all.

But that particular outing aside, do your teens never want to speak among themselves without adults or younger kids around?

[Guest]

Yeah with the constant interruptions of littles and keeping an eye on stuff, how awesome is a park day with kids as a "mom time out" situation? It's not IMO. It's still nice to have other adults to chat with, but I can't say I've ever felt like it was this awesome adult only time.

 

I dunno. I like my kids. They are better company than most adults to be honest.

Awesome, no, maybe not.

 

Better than the ZERO FACE TIME WITH ADULTS IM NOT RELATED TO FOR MONTHS? Absofreakinglutely

 

-----;

 

Separately. Mom's night out? Military with young kids? Ha. Ha-ha. Ha.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Awesome, no, maybe not.

 

Better than the ZERO FACE TIME WITH ADULTS IM NOT RELATED TO FOR MONTHS? Absofreakinglutely

 

-----;

 

Separately. Mom's night out? Military with young kids? Ha. Ha-ha. Ha.

 

Eh..I don't know.  I can take it or leave it.

 

At this point my kids aren't that young anymore either.

 

One of them is 15 going on 45 so... LOL 

[forty-two]

But that particular outing aside, do your teens never want to speak among themselves without adults or younger kids around?

Different poster, but I was raised similarly (mixed age conversations as the norm). Ime, conversations in the living areas of the house were open to anyone in the house who wanted to contribute. If my parents were sitting there, or passing through, they'd contribute if they had something to say; if my little sister was sitting there or passing through and had something to say, she'd do so, too. If I wanted a private conversation, we'd go off to my room or something. I don't recall ever wishing my parents weren't there (and usually they were off doing other things, but would converse with us over the dinner table or passing through if pertinent). When I was 14, I went through a brief stage of wanting my little sister to leave me and my friends alone, but it passed within a year (and I stayed in my room to have some privacy). The general expectation of conversations in public areas of the house being open to anyone never bothered me, not as a teen or any other age.

[alisoncooks]

I just got back from a playdate with another family.  The mom & I had every intention of chatting the day away while the kids played in a separate part of the house. Had I a child that insisted on loitering for longer than a few minutes, I would've had no problem saying "go play"...perhaps not in those words, but basically that.

[Soror]

I like my kids too.

 

I spend 99% of my time with my kids. I like them. I love them. I talk to them about all sorts of things all of the time. I also talk to my kid's friends. I love having kids over and love to be the place kids come over to, my side gig is working with kids. I genuinely enjoy playing with kids, talking with kids, and working with kids.

 

But I like to have conversations with other adults without them sometimes. No, that doesn't mean I'm gossiping or such, goodness, there are plenty of private topics that aren't gossip. Plenty of topics I want to talk about to friends that I don't want to disclose to friend's children. Time with just friends without kids is an absolute rarity, I can think of once this year. So, in any given get together there will be adult and kid time and there will be a time where the adults are talking to themselves and the kids are doing their thing. Sure, having adults night out would be fabulous but not realistic for me and my friends. 

 

 

 

[Guest]

If the conversation is adult in the sense of being about current events, politics etc. then any child of mine was allowed to listen or even participate if they were polite. If the conversation was over their head then they were bored and went away on their own. A child interrupting a conversation is rude just like an adult would be if they interrupted. If a child tried to enter a conversation that was over their head (ie. their contributions weren't really contributing to the conversation) then I would gently ask them to listen and not talk. If at all possible, I would ask them to do this in private so as not to embarrass them. If the conversation is adult gossip then I'm not interested whether my kids are there or not. If the conversation is private, then I would ask for privacy in the same way that I would ask for privacy from another adult that doesn't need to hear a private conversation. (I usually knew ahead of time if someone was coming over to discuss something privately because they would ask for counsel and I would ask my children ahead of time to give us privacy but that had nothing to do with them being kids as such.)

Yeah, I'll tell my kids lovingly to vamoose when we are having a private conversation, on things like marriage difficulties, job loss, or content sensitive topics. Other than that we don't mind the kids being around if they aren't interrupting.

 

We do have a little eavesdropper who will chip in and correct adults when she thinks they aren't being precise. That we squelch because it's rude. But if she had something to contribute other than critiquing others we try not to shut it down.

 

Sometimes I do just want the kids to scram and play so I can get a break with an adult, but if they're sitting quietly and not bugging anyone I wouldn't tell them to run off on principle. It really depends.

 

I'm not in the children-should-be-occasionally-seen-and-never-heard school. But I also don't welcome their present without exception. It really just depends. At group get togethers it usually means they're all over the place and no private conversations are being had, though.

[forty-two]

Also, as a shy kid with social anxiety, I hung out with my parents at some events because I had no one else to be with. They were my "safe base". It's really sucky to be stuck at a party with no one to talk to, at any age. I'm very thankful my parents' default habit was to let me stay with them. (Not that they didn't have private conversations, but that was different than general adult conversation.).

It's just like how, as an adult, the people you come to a party with are your default companions - if you find yourself with no one to talk to, you can always go join your spouse's or friend's conversation - you have at least *one* guaranteed companion. Yeah, if they are having a private conversation, you have to wait for them to finish, but rarely ime do people have extended private conversations at a party or get-together (and if they do, it's usually an emergency).

 

And now that I have older kids, I find that they are no impediment to adult conversation - it's really entirely different from when they were little and needy in that all-encompassing little-kid way. They are there as interested listeners, who are paying attention just like I am, not uninterested listeners who just want mommy. And while there's a time and place for private conversations, usually the general adult conversations at a get-together aren't private - any interested adult is welcome.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Ok, but I guess the bottom line is when in a mixed group you will have mixed opinions.  So some parents don't want their kids in on the conversation, some don't mind, some like it. 

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

In my experience, because kids are blabbermouths:

 

"Thank you for lending us that book, Kate.  We really enjoyed it."

"But, remember Mom, I hated it, and you said we didn't have to finish it."

 

"We used to have a dog too, but..."

"What dog, Mom?  You're wrong, we never had a dog!!  Why don't we have a dog now?"

 

"We didn't make it camping this summer."

"Yes we did.  We slept in that blanket fort.  That is camping."

 

"My doctor suggested I strictly limit how many carbs I am eating."

"What's a carb?  How many carbs should you eat?  What's your doctor's name?  Is he a boy or a girl? ..."

[Then later, the child will offer unsolicited, uninformed low-carb advice to an overweight relative.   :thumbdown: ]

 

Everything I say in their presence will be mis-repeated at the most rude, inopportune times.  And I'm not talking about secret, private information, but just adult conversation that the kids simply do not have the life experience to understand and properly keep to themselves.

 

Wendy

 

Your kids are younger than the age referred to in the title (except the oldest) and have special needs which include difficulty with social interactions.  So no, that is not what we are, for the most part, talking about in this thread. 

 

 

[marbel]

There seems to be a lot of either/or in this conversation when I don't think that's really how people are living. 

 

I like my kids, but that doesn't mean I wanted them around me every minute of every day. 

 

I talk to my kids' friends at times - when we are in the car together (when I had to drive them places), when we are eating together.  I don't expect them to want me around all the time, just as I don't want them around all the time.  It doesn't mean I dislike them. 

 

Sure, if people are in a "public" room and have not specifically asked that others clear out for whatever reason, the room is fair game to all.  If my kid has friends in the living room and I need to move about the house, I'm not going to avoid that room. But I'm not going to plunk down and sit with them unless asked, nor will I join their conversation unless someone addresses me.  Of course I would greet people and expect to be greeted.   I don't ignore them.  

 

Sometimes I just want to talk to someone because I want to talk to them.  It's not because we're talking about something secret, or gossiping, or discussing intimate medical problems. It's because I want to focus on that person.  Since my kids get 95% of my focus anyway, I think it's OK to ask for 5% for someone else. 

 

And I don't think kids aren't ever going to learn how to converse with adults if they are not in 100% of adult conversations in their home.   When we have company for a meal, everyone is together.  Once a month I have a lunch for a group that ranges between 6 and 15 people, most young adults but also some families with kids; my kids have been full participants for about 3 years. It works out.  Everyone stays together and joins the conversation (or just listens, whatever). 

Edited July 7, 2017 by marbel

[fraidycat]

Awesome, no, maybe not.

 

Better than the ZERO FACE TIME WITH ADULTS IM NOT RELATED TO FOR MONTHS? Absofreakinglutely

 

-----;

Separately. Mom's night out? Military with young kids? Ha. Ha-ha. Ha.

Well, it's tough, but not impossible. Since I am the poster Sparkly originally quoted where MNO was mentioned and we ARE an active duty military family. My kids are old enough to stay home alone now, but they weren't when I went on MNO with my homeschool park-day mom friends.

[Elizabeth86]

I was like this. I grew up in a house full of adults. I wasnt around kids much, I couldnt relate to my peers and I never have. I always preferred the company of adults even if it meant sitting and talking instead of playing. My oldest is the same way.

[Guest]

Well, it's tough, but not impossible. Since I am the poster Sparkly originally quoted where MNO was mentioned and we ARE an active duty military family. My kids are old enough to stay home alone now, but they weren't when I went on MNO with my homeschool park-day mom friends.

 

I'm glad it came together!

[elegantlion]

I grew up sitting in on mom's conversations. She would even let me sip her coffee and I remember the day she allowed me my own cup. I was under 8. But I was/am an observer, rarely inputting, but always listening. I still remember so many times one of our then older neighbors would come to visit. I'd rather chat with the adults than play most of the time. 

 

For ds, we've mostly let him in conversations. I'm not afraid to ask him to step out if there are non-child topics that need to be discussed, but that was rare. Although, thinking through and reading this thread, I realized I had one group of friends that would send away all the children. We weren't discussing taboo topics, but maybe it had to with the fact there were several boys and no girls between us. Ds didn't always enjoy playing with this group and probably would have rather talked with us or just listened. 

 

[gardenmom5]

I think the parents don't think about it.  but then, how adult are the topics you'd get into at the park or pool?

 

for me, it depends on the topic. somethings - just aren't a big deal if the kids hear.  other things - the kids aren't ready.  we have to shew dudeling out on occasion- and these are "adult" conversations with his siblings. (who are all adults).

[Jean in Newcastle]

This is a cultural issue- or rather a subcultural issue. Most of us tend to gravitate to subcultures that match our own values and comfort zones. I prefer not to have age segregation but many many groups are perfectly fine with it. So if the group doesn't match your expectation on this matter, and it's important enough for you then find one which does. Or create one with likeminded friends.

 

But don't expect that your way is "the way " because someone could post an equally valid rant against groups that never allow kids to hang out with the adults. I actually went to park days that essentially segregated adults from kids and we stopped attending because that expectation was not compatible with our family dynamics.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[wendyroo]

Your kids are younger than the age referred to in the title (except the oldest) and have special needs which include difficulty with social interactions.  So no, that is not what we are, for the most part, talking about in this thread. 

 

 

 

The question was why adults wouldn't just discuss their adult topics in front of children.  I gave my point of view based on my 8 year old child.  Yes, he has autism and ADD, but the National Institute for Mental Health says about 13% of 8-15 year olds are diagnosed with a mental illness, so he can't be the only 8+ year old making inappropriate comments.

 

But, yes, Ma'am.  I'll stop discussing the actual things that my actual 8 year old child says because he is non-neurotypical and therefore doesn't count.   :gnorsi:

 

Wendy

Edited July 7, 2017 by wendyroo

[Jean in Newcastle]

The question was why adults wouldn't just discuss their adult topics in front of children. I gave my point of view based on my 8 year old child. Yes, he has autism and ADD, but the National Institute for Mental Health says about 13% of 8-15 year olds are diagnosed with a mental illness, so he can't be the only 8+ year old making inappropriate comments.

 

But, yes, Ma'am. I'll stop discussing the actual things that my actual 8 year old child says because he is non-neurotypical and therefore doesn't count. :gnorsi:

 

Wendy

That's a huge over reaction. I have a child ( no longer a child) with ASD. His social development (like many with ASD) is a couple of years behind NT kids. It doesn't mean that he doesn't count. It means that I take that into account.

[Mimm]

The way I grew up, children were definitely subordinate to the adults and we were welcome to join in on the conversation if we listened respectfully. We were welcome to add our thoughts to the conversation if it was on topic. We didn't go off on our own tangents, we didn't interrupt, and we didn't have our own conversations that might be disruptive to the adult conversations. This was a natural part of growing up. Child becomes interested in what the adults are talking about, child learns to converse with the adults.

 

I can't really imagine what you guys might be talking about that a 13 year old isn't welcome to join in. ;) (Actually, I'm imagining all kinds of things)

[fairfarmhand]

Topics that might come up at our lunch gatherings that aren't bad but not necessarily something I want someone's 8 yo listening to:

 

We had a hard day because one of my kids was in a mood.

 

Struggles with female issues.

 

Why I can't find bras that fit correctly.

 

Who in the world design clothing nowadays? Is it that hard to fit them so the bum is covered? (this isn't gossip, this is my own personal struggle)

 

Worries about the future

 

Struggles with my children

 

The results of my mammogram

 

These topics are not top secret, but nor do I want to talk about them in front of a 10 yo boy or girl. In the case of talking about my kids, I frame them in ways that my kids wouldn't be embarrassed that I was sharing, but more in the same way that a teen would be "I can't believe my mom...Did you know what she won't let me do?"

 

These are topics that come up in a group of 3-5 moms whose kids play (hang out in the case of teens) while we chat. As incredibly busy ladies, if we didn't talk about them then, they wouldn't get discussed. In thinking about it, none of us have family members who are close to us with whom we can bounce ideas off of. So it's like wer'e sisters!

 

I want to talk to my friends about this stuff. Evenings for all of us are packed. We mostly have 3-4 kids each with lots of activities.

Edited July 7, 2017 by fairfarmhand

[marbel]

<snip>

 

I can't really imagine what you guys might be talking about that a 13 year old isn't welcome to join in. ;) (Actually, I'm imagining all kinds of things)

 

I can't imagine why it's so hard to understand that sometimes adults just want to talk to adults, about whatever topic.  :-)

 

fairfarmhand's list is good.  

[winterbaby]

I'm not "children should be seen and not heard," but the idea that you should book a night in a hotel, or even a difficult to coordinate night out - to justify an adults-only conversation is bonkers to me.

[eternalsummer]

I don't want to chuckle at how cute my kids are. I know cute they are. I want to talk to my own friends.

 

Clearly mmv.

 

Yes, I feel largely this way.  As a kid (10+) I often listened to adult conversations or sat with them at family gatherings, etc.  I was quiet.  I just didn't want to hang out with the kids, who were juvenile.

 

I can't stand it when my own kids do it, though, even if they are largely quiet. I spend all day with my kids. Every day.  

[GinaPagnato]

When you get together with other families, do the adults never share difficulties they're having with a child? Disappointing school experiences? Cramps? Financial strains? Boyfriend/girlfriend relationships of their teens?

 

These are the things that my friends and I talk about when we're together, and I can't for the life of me imagine that any of those topics are appropriate for kids 8 and above. They're just not, imo. If I'm having a hard time with one of my dc, I'm going to discuss this with my friends in front of one of their kids? No way Jose!

 

Adults in my world need time to talk about adult matters, and that means some privacy is expected. Many of us homeschool, so there is PLENTY of moms-with-kids-talking-time. But not every conversation is meant to be had in front of kids. Not even in front of teens, because I don't think my friend's 17 year old son needs to know if I'm having bad cramps, kwim?

Edited July 7, 2017 by GinaPagnato