DS's job is really cutting into our family life

[DawnM]

This is just a vent.

 

We are taking a 3 week trip to the West Coast this summer.  We are no longer homeschooling and don't have the flexibility with time that we used to have.

 

We have 3 weeks we can go and we will be spending 4-6 days on the road, and need a solid 2 weeks there.  One to visit my parents and one to do some stuff in CA.

 

The problem is DS's job.  It is his first job, at a grocery store, as a checker.  Quite frankly, he hates it, but we didn't want him to fully quit yet.  But the boss is saying 1 week vacations max and she OCCASIONALLY will approve a 2 week trip under certain circumstances, but absolutely no to a 3 week trip.

 

So, do I go in and talk to his boss?  Or do I just leave it and have him quit?

 

Thoughts?

 

I don't want to be THAT PARENT, but I don't know if it would give more seriousness to the situation?  

 

DH and I feel that this will most likely be our last big vacation as a family.  Our kids are 19, 17, and 13.  And my mom is dying, so we need to go.

 

And no, we won't consider flying and cutting the vacation short.  it will double the cost of our trip, we will need to rent a vehicle and get flights, etc....he won't even make enough next year to warrant the extra cost!  It would be cheaper to pay him what he will earn and just drive!

 

 

[lauraw4321]

Have him quit. Don't go talk to her. 

 

But don't have any guilt about him quitting.

[Ottakee]

Would have him go in and talk to his boss and say he IS going on this trip for 3 weeks and if she would like him.back after that he will be back otherwise he will not. Trip no matter what.

[TrulySusan]

Since you have little to lose, have ds speak to boss and state that he will not be able to work for week x through week z, that he doesn't want to have to quit, but he has no choice about travel plans with family. Maybe they will realize their ridiculous policy and make an exception.

 

We have been so fortunate that dd has an employer that is flexible.

[Hikin' Mama]

I wouldn't talk to her and would have him quit. You won't get this time back.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I would try to have DS ask the boss for the 3 weeks due to a dying relative.  If that doesn't work...quit.

 

 

[Carrie12345]

I would definitely have him quit, politely.  Some grocery stores might be happy to have him reapply when he gets back.

 

It isn't as if the store is out of line.  I know my husband's job wouldn't give him 3 weeks off for a dying relative without using FMLA.

[fairfarmhand]

Although 3 weeks seems awfully long, I do understand why you have made it so long. I assume you guys don't take vacations like that all the time or anything.

 

I think I would have him go an explain to his boss what a big deal this trip is and that he's not really in control of the dates. And, that he's going, because he needs to visit his grandma before she passes. That means, he would really love to have a job to come back to, but that he understands if she can't keep the job waiting for him.

 

I would NOT go in and talk to her for him. I would absolutely let him handle it, because these are situations he may have to deal with in the future in some other form. But I think you want to coach him to explain it to her in such a way that, he's going whether she approves the time off or not, but if she would rather fire him than approve the time off, he will understand.

this is what I'd do.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[teachermom2834]

Do not go in and talk to the boss. Have him go in and tell boss that he is going on this trip and put in his notice. Have him tell the boss he understands and thanks for the opportunity and his last day will be _______.

 

Boss will get mad and let him quit, tell him to reapply when he gets back, or shake his hand and wish him luck. Regardless, your ds has handled leaving the job properly. Really, all ds can do is handle his end professionally. The response of boss is up to boss.

 

My kids have had jobs and handled them very responsibly and we've prioritized their work commitments but when things have come to a head we have had the discussion "it is just a part time kid job. you did your best to make it work and you can handle your exit professionally."

 

It is okay to quit a job and make a move or a different choice. People of all ages do it all the time. It can be a good lesson in communication and how to relate to people in awkward situations. Part of kids having part time jobs is learning these things even if it means they don't have the job anymore.

[Hyacinth]

Agreeing with the others. Have him talk to the boss. He can explain his situation, convey his understanding of the vacation policy, ask for an exception, and then (if the exception is not granted), politely offer his 2-week notice with a request that he be considered for rehire when he returns.

[Rebel Yell]

Unless the job is something that will be relevant to their future life and career goals, or is some unusual situation where it is extremely high-paying, I would not be concerned if he had to quit the job in this situation.

 

Absolutely no for Mom going in and talking to the manager. But I do think it is worth explaining the situation of the grandmother in failing health and asking for consideration, and letting them know that the family trip is non-negotiable.

 

Another option, if for some reason he needs to keep this job, would be to just fly him out for the maximum time he is allowed off. Still expensive, and a bit of a pain, but it preserves the long trip for the family, and allows him some time to visit.

[marbel]

Don't talk to the boss yourself.  

 

I'd have him quit with the typical 2 weeks' notice.  I'd have him cite the need to travel with family and the understanding that company policy does not allow for the time off this requires; thank them for the opportunity, etc.  Be polite and professional and leave with a good impression.  I am unclear on the laws concerning limits on what an employer can say when used as a reference for future employment, but I'm pretty sure there are no laws against saying "he was a great employee; we were sorry to  lose him."  

[FaithManor]

For us, the car accident kind of put the perspective back in family. The ds's really cannot earn enough around here to make a dent in their college bills during the summer when ten -fifteen hours a week is about all the employers give college students. So we decided no summer jobs, yes to family vacation.

 

I hope you have a lovely one. Dh cannot take much time this summer due to project deadlines which complicates things. So our compromise was to get a hotel with a really good business center. Dh will work M-F 9-4 remotely and then join us for evening and weekend activities. Two weekends, one work week. Since we don't want to spend the whole time traveling, we are only going as far as Cleveland. Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, John Glen Space Center, Beach time on Lake Erie, and Cuyahoga Valley National Park.

 

Have a great vacation. I hope when you get back you will post all about it. I love hearing everyone's travel stories!

Edited June 13, 2017 by FaithManor

[Selkie]

Definitely do not talk to the boss. Have your son handle it in a professional manner, as others have already suggested.

 

I don't think the boss is being out of line here at all.  Three weeks is a long time to be gone and it would be a real pain for them to find someone to fill in for your son. If all their employees were taking weeks off at a time, it would be very difficult for them to keep the business running.

[Bluegoat]

Although 3 weeks seems awfully long, I do understand why you have made it so long.  I assume you guys don't take vacations like that all the time or anything.

 

I think I would have him go an explain to his boss what a big deal this trip is and that he's not really in control of the dates.  And, that he's going, because he needs to visit his grandma before she passes.  That means, he would really love to have a job to come back to, but that he understands if she can't keep the job waiting for him. 

 

I would NOT go in and talk to her for him.  I would absolutely let him handle it, because these are situations he may have to deal with in the future in some other form.  But I think you want to coach him to explain it to her in such a way that, he's going whether she approves the time off or not, but if she would rather fire him than approve the time off, he will understand.

 

Yes, this.

 

The store is being reasonable.  But, your son also has a good reason to go - it isn't just that he wants to.  He should communicate that to his supervisor, and taht he will come back if they want but understands that may not be possible.  And apologize for causing them incobvienience, too, because it is a pain to lose an employee that you have trained.

 

But, he should do all this, there is no reason for you to get involved.

[MysteryJen]

He should talk to his boss, then he will probably have to quit. Summer stuff like that is one reason my 17 yo did not work last summer. Almost 3 weeks in Japan in June made summer employment very difficult. This summer he has similar complications, but at the end of July.  

re: the conversation on the college board, this is one reason why lots of places don't hire teens as they really aren't in control of a family's schedule.

[G5052]

That's pretty much the norm for part-time and summer jobs. DS works at a gym, and they have the same policy. If all of them took off for weeks at a time, their business would suffer.

 

When I was growing up, the minimum wage jobs said only a week off. When I got more professional-level work, they allowed only a long weekend or two at the most. Some summer employees I knew actually quit early in August so they could do something longer with friends or family.

[Lanny]

He is old enough to work so he is old enough to handle this by himself.  He might say something like this: "I understand your policy and if you cannot make an exception, I must resign effective on (insert date here). We are going to visit my Grandmother who is dying and this will probably be the last time we see her".  

[Word Nerd]

Definitely do not talk to the boss. Have your son handle it in a professional manner, as others have already suggested.

 

I don't think the boss is being out of line here at all.  Three weeks is a long time to be gone and it would be a real pain for them to find someone to fill in for your son. If all their employees were taking weeks off at a time, it would be very difficult for them to keep the business running.

 

I agree with the other suggestions about having him explain in a professional manner and then give two weeks' notice if it isn't granted (and it probably won't be). That's not a ridiculous or unreasonable policy, and any employer would balk at that much consecutive time off to cover (at least for employees who wouldn't still be doing some work while on vacation). 

Edited June 13, 2017 by Word Nerd

[JustEm]

I'm pretty sure if you went in to talk to his boss, the boss would be even more eager to say no to the 3 weeks off. No one wants an employees mom coming in to talk to them over scheduling conflicts.

[Ravin]

I agree with what pretty much everyone else has said.

 

1. Have him handle it himself.

2. He should ask for an exception, and give two weeks' notice otherwise, and be polite and professional about it.

[2_girls_mommy]

I agree with everyone else. He needs to put in his notice cheerfully, not burning any bridges,  and reapply when he gets back if he feels they are open to it. 

[StephanieZ]

How about just fly the one kid out to meet you, missing the driving part, but there for the main stuff. He can probably earn enough in the extra days he works to cover most/all of his flight. 

 

 

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

How about just fly the one kid out to meet you, missing the driving part, but there for the main stuff. He can probably earn enough in the extra days he works to cover most/all of his flight.

this is what I would do.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[StephanieZ]

This is the reason why our children never had jobs.  The employer is being reasonable, but so are you.  We chose our family/ serving others over jobs.  However, I am seriously rethinking this now.  My boys are 22 and 20 and employers want them to have already had a job.. It is really hurting them.

 

When I was a teen, I stayed home and worked while my family went on a vacation and I was fine.  That said, I get wanting him to be with you.  That was our rationale as well, but it has turned out to be a huge problem now. 

 

Yup. Not having work experience as a 20+ year old can be a job-offer-killer for sure. 

 

I've watched my dd20's college pals (engineering students) applying/interviewing for these awesome co-op jobs . . . (long long paid internships -- year of work experience in semesters alternating with school terms) . . . Of her good buddies, just one has as-yet-failed-to-land a co-op offer. This gal is a super smart, high grades, personable kid in a sought after field. But, she's never had a paid job of any sort. College summers, she does study abroad of summer classes ... High school summers she went to amazing camps and traveled with family . . . I KNOW that the reason she can't land any co-op offers is because who on earth wants to risk a YEAR LONG well paid hire (whose real sole benefit to the employer has got to be post-grad recruitment)  . . . on a kid who has never held any job. 

 

We insisted dd20 do a "real job" her first college summer for exactly this reason. In her case, we didn't care if she earned $$ (she has large earned merit scholarships, so she's doing her part) . . . but we knew she needed the solid work experience on her resume (to beef up the various small PT TA job she'd had, etc.). So, she did a FT unpaid internship with a local outdoor education school (and a 1 day/week paid job at the associated private school). Anyway, she had an awesome summer, and when she was interviewing for co-op jobs that fall, she NAILED the interviews with awesome answers based on her experiences working that summer . . . and she landed her first choice company. 

 

So, anyway, I don't think it's critical to have TONS of work experience by age 20, but, in our house, I really do prioritize it by age 19, to get at least one solid summer job under the belt (and at least one within the past 20 months over the college years, so say at least one every other summer if not working during the year) -- paid or unpaid, whatever, as long as it is treated by the worker and employer as a "real" job. I don't think it matters much WHAT the job is, just so long as the kid has had SOME solid experience working for somebody, showing up, getting along, doing grunt work, not getting fired. :) 

 

We hire a lot of entry level young people at our workplace, and having SOME work experience (within the last 18 pos or so) is a HUGE plus. Hiring someone with a completely blank resume is very scary and most often doesn't end well, so it's just not worth the risk when there are better alternatives in the resume pile.

[SKL]

In my opinion, you should let your son handle it.  Your ds should tell the boss he is going to be out of town for 3 weeks.  If boss decides to fire him, well OK.

 

I'm wondering what the boss's logic may be.  Perhaps he has experience with young people who say they're taking a break and then never come back.  That would be a pain administratively.  But if the person does come back in 3 weeks, perhaps the job will still be there.  Or perhaps the guy would re-hire your son - assuming your son would want that.

 

I believe most people would view it very negatively if the employee's mom came and tried to negotiate.

 

ETA I like the suggestion of him flying round-trip so he only has to take a couple weeks off, or maybe less.

Edited June 13, 2017 by SKL

[StephanieZ]

Yeah and I feel awful for ruining my boys' chances.  I wish I had known so I could have done the right thing!

 

Awww, you didn't ruin anything. Just make SURE they are working THIS summer. I'd LITERALLY make my kids go work at McD or wherever by that age if they hadn't found a "good" career type summer job. Give them the car keys, send them to the mall(s) for the day to put in applications at Target, groceries, fast food, whereever. My mom used to do that to us . . . we worked every summer age 14+. Summer came, money train stopped, we worked, lol. My brother had a really fancy/impressive paid internship his 16th summer ... His 17th summer, he had no such fancy thing lined up . . . A week into summer, and he was "GETTING A JOB" that day. Worked at Arby's all summer. It was all good. He later got great jobs and makes bank as an IT executive now adays. :) 

 

Begin from today! Send those boys out to land jobs!!! (STOP the money train for the summer! That's critical!)

[Ottakee]

The flying him to meet you and maybe fly back early is a good idea as well.

 

I totally understand the wanting this trip for the family, etc but he will also need to realize that most jobs (at least in our area) would not give 3 weeks off for a trip to a newer employee (or likely any employee). Many jobs you need to work a full year before you get even one week of vacation.

 

I realize this is not a "paid vacation" request but most jobs you work your hours or don't have a job.

[marbel]

I know I already posted my opinion.  But I am surprised by people saying to have him fly to meet you for part of the trip. 

 

I don't know how old this son is.  But I am feeling - very strongly - the end of my family's days when we can all be together.   It's not too long before jobs, school away from home, etc., will make family vacations impossible. I've watched my older siblings with grown kids who are spread out all over, rarely having the kids all together at the same time.  I think it's down to weddings now.  At some point it will be funerals that bring them all together.  Not to be depressing, but that's how it can be for families who are spread out. 

 

So my perspective is: don't have a less-than-ideal family vacation for a grocery store job that the kid hates.  Let him quit graciously and professionally, and then look for a new job after vacation, or try to return to the old job.  I would not force the employer to fire him.  I am also dubious that two weeks of work will pay for the plane ticket, but of course I don't know how much flights cost nor how much he makes.  And I'm pretty sure he can understand that this isn't something he will be doing with all jobs, forever.  

 

I would take the family vacation, all together, all at once, the way you want to.  

Edited June 13, 2017 by marbel

[Lanny]

Possible his boss would permit an unpaid leave of absence for 3 weeks. I think he might ask her about that, before he resigns.

[Scarlett]

Possible his boss would permit an unpaid leave of absence for 3 weeks. I think he might ask her about that, before he resigns.

 

 

I doubt the 1 or 2 weeks of 'vacation' is going to be paid anyway.

[SKL]

Yeah, I have to say I have never taken off 3 weeks from any job, ever.  Or 2 weeks for that matter.  I'm 50 and have been employed at some job or other since I was 13.  :)

[Ottakee]

Yeah, I have to say I have never taken off 3 weeks from any job, ever.  Or 2 weeks for that matter.  I'm 50 and have been employed at some job or other since I was 13.  :)

Yes.  I have never had 3 weeks off from a job (OK, this summer I will but I am working as a substitute teacher so that doesn't really count).  Otherwise in all of my years of working I never had more than 1 week off in a row.  My dh is 50 and only gets 2 weeks off a year.  His is paid vacation but he does not have the option of just taking more days off unpaid so a 3 week vacation will never happen here.

 

[Ananda]

I agree with everyone that your son must handle the conflict between your vacation plans & his employment himself.  I also feel strongly that he must make the decision about what to do himself.  You can offer advice/support of course, but it is his decision to make.  I see three viable options:

1. Make a final appeal, then quit properly when it is denied.  They may be open to him reapplying.

2. Take off the one or two weeks that his job will allow him and have him fly down to participate in the bulk of the family vacation.

3.  He says home & works; you go on the vacation without him.

 

This is one of those bitter lessons that makes you chose your priorities.

[Word Nerd]

Yeah, I have to say I have never taken off 3 weeks from any job, ever.  Or 2 weeks for that matter.  I'm 50 and have been employed at some job or other since I was 13.  :)

 

I've had 3 weeks of vacation before, but I've never taken them all at the same time. The most I've ever been gone is a week.

[marbel]

I've had 3 weeks of vacation before, which I could take all at once if I wanted.  That was in a corporate job after working there for 5 years.  I might also add that this was in the early '90s in a high-tech firm that was doing really well and had a lot of money.  Ah, that job had a lot of perks.

 

But anyway, I don't think it's all that uncommon in certain jobs/industries after a period of continuous employment.   

[teachermom2834]

Neither your ds or employer is in the wrong here. The employment agreement is ceasing to work in a mutually beneficial way. It is fine for either side to cut ties.

 

If this job were very important to your son I would consider the flying out to meet you deal. One of my ds takes huge pride in working and his jobs mean alot to him (more than they probably should). If it was that kind of thing I would try to do a work around with flying him out. But it does not sound like your ds feels that way or is getting any other big benefit from his part time job.

[Word Nerd]

I've had 3 weeks of vacation before, which I could take all at once if I wanted.  That was in a corporate job after working there for 5 years.  I might also add that this was in the early '90s in a high-tech firm that was doing really well and had a lot of money.  Ah, that job had a lot of perks.

 

But anyway, I don't think it's all that uncommon in certain jobs/industries after a period of continuous employment.   

 

I doubt it's common for people to not only be out of the office but also completely "off-grid" from their job for three weeks, which will be the case here.

[MedicMom]

This is the reason why our children never had jobs. The employer is being reasonable, but so are you. We chose our family/ serving others over jobs. However, I am seriously rethinking this now. My boys are 22 and 20 and employers want them to have already had a job.. It is really hurting them.

 

When I was a teen, I stayed home and worked while my family went on a vacation and I was fine. That said, I get wanting him to be with you. That was our rationale as well, but it has turned out to be a huge problem now.

My parents had the same policy, and it hurt me when I was in college and needed a job. Employers thought there was something wrong because I hadn't had a job till I was 20. Now I suspect they thought I was some kind of rich primadona who hadn't had to work, and they wanted job experience. I live in an area where almost every teenager is employed in the summer, though.

[marbel]

I doubt it's common for people to not only be out of the office but also completely "off-grid" from their job for three weeks, which will be the case here.

 

LOL, I realized I just cited my decades-old experiences.  I should have added that I know people now who get 3 weeks vacation per year (some more!), and can take it all in a chunk if they want. Of course that depends on a few factors.  Maybe "common" isn't the right word but it's not necessarily uncommon either.

 

Totally irrelevant to the OP's son's situation.  Of course a grocery clerk isn't going to get that kind of time off... though for all I know a union employee with a lot of seniority might. Obviously not the case for OP's son. 

[DawnM]

How about just fly the one kid out to meet you, missing the driving part, but there for the main stuff. He can probably earn enough in the extra days he works to cover most/all of his flight. 

 

 

We thought of this, but he would still need more than 1 week off.  And I would have to have someone take him to the airport, and I honestly am nervous about him staying here alone.  Maybe I am being ridiculous, but I am.

 

He would need to fly in to AZ and fly out of CA, which would add more $$ to the flight.  It was $600 last time I looked.  And it would take away from time as a family, which was part of the reason for the trip.

[DawnM]

Thanks all.

 

The only reason I considered talking to the boss myself was because when I brought up the vacation plans to another HS mom, whose son works for the same company, SHE told me I should go in instead of my son, so that it would carry more weight.

 

That seemed odd to me, so I thought I would ask here.

 

Honestly, since DS wanted to quit anyway, and enjoy his senior year with more time to commit to drama/theater, this may be just the time to go forward with that plan.  He will give 2 weeks, and since we are leaving at the end of the summer, he can get in some good time of work before we leave.

 

 

[mamakelly]

How old is he? If it's your 17 year old, I'd have him quit and go with you. If it's your 19 year old, I'd have him fly out for a week and then fly home after a week. No matter which kid this is absolutely do not go in there and try to handle it for him. That's way overstepping imo.

[Harriet Vane]

Thanks all.

 

The only reason I considered talking to the boss myself was because when I brought up the vacation plans to another HS mom, whose son works for the same company, SHE told me I should go in instead of my son, so that it would carry more weight.

 

That seemed odd to me, so I thought I would ask here.

 

Honestly, since DS wanted to quit anyway, and enjoy his senior year with more time to commit to drama/theater, this may be just the time to go forward with that plan.  He will give 2 weeks, and since we are leaving at the end of the summer, he can get in some good time of work before we leave.

 

The mom who told you to go in and talk to the manager is nuts. There is no boss anywhere that wants to talk to mommy. It will not carry more weight. It would reflect poorly on your ds. (As I think you know...)

 

Your plan seems like a good one. Ds will have work experience on his resume + the awesome family trip + more free time senior year. I don't see a downside.

[DawnM]

How old is he? If it's your 17 year old, I'd have him quit and go with you. If it's your 19 year old, I'd have him fly out for a week and then fly home after a week. No matter which kid this is absolutely do not go in there and try to handle it for him. That's way overstepping imo.

 

 

It is my 17 year old.