If you do not drink alcohol

[Guest]

My husband and I do not drink alcohol by choice. Frankly, his parents are alcoholics and both of us have seen too many people take too much freedom with drinking when they are supposed to be caring for children (including in the pool and bathtub) and drinking and driving, and drinking and wanting to feed the baby and not being able to even get the food to the mouth, etc. The whole thing disgusts us.

 

But for some reason, we have had people really push it. Why not? Why don't you drink? But a good wine is just so good. Maybe you just haven't tried a good one yet. Ummm..I HATE the taste of wine. And beer. I have had plenty of varieties, including expensive ones. I do NOT like it.

 

Finally, the other day when someone was pushing it, after saying over and over again that we just don't, I was so flustered that I said we do not because of a history my husband has with alcoholism. Ummm..as I walked out, I realized they probably think my husband is an alcoholic, not that he has relatives (who are not his biological relatives) who are alcoholics, and watching it all these years has been nauseating.

 

I do not want to flub up again like that!!! I know I should go back to that person and correct what I said too. But, what do I say when in this position again? If you said you don't eat Chef Boy Ardee because you simply do not like it, no one would push it and push it insisting it was great. But when it comes to wine, people seem to expect others to conform. But we are truly not interested.

 

Looking forward to suggestions. Thanks!

Don't correct or revise what you said to the person. You have every right to not drink or eat something for any reason or no reason at all. "Thank you for the offer; we don't drink alcohol," is sufficient explanation. If a friend badgers you about it, you need new friends. If you feel you must give more explanation, just say, "We have decided for personal reasons alcohol is best avoided for US. Thank you for the offer." Seriously, anyone who would push beyond that is obtuse and not worth it as a social group.

[Guest]

Ummm....because I don't want to. Seriously...if someone needs more of an answer than that, I don't need to waste my time hanging around them. My sons are 21 and 25 and don't drink (never have because of seeing others with alcohol issues), and that simple answer is all they ever give. No one is owed more than that.

[gardenmom5]

I grew up in an "alcohol is evil and wrong" household, but as an adult, I don't have a problem with some drinking.

But I realized I am not "a drinker."  I have an occasional glass of wine at a friend's, but don't keep it in my house, for example.

 

I have a group of friends through a parent group who are drinkers.  I mean heavy drinkers.  One woman orders 3 drinks with dinner every time we go out.  She spends $30 on alcohol and only $20-$25 on food.  I tend to get a $15 meal and water.

 

That group often makes comments about me not drinking, but whatever.  I have pulled back a bit from them.  I even was willing to host a dinner with them, but I don't want to pay for all the alcohol they drink!  My friend said, "Why don't you have a pizza and beer party and we can all come?"  

 

 

 

that's not very much.  I long remember the dinner we went to with dh's boss and a couple other people.  they EACH spent (in today's dollars) $170 on three glasses of wine.  and yeah - that was about 1/3 more than dinner.  his boss was very fond of good wine - which is expensive.

and even that's not very high.  one of those wines (the ice wine?) was discounted because the bottle had been opened the previous night for a wedding.

it wasn't long ago I recall the story of the guy who asked about a bottle of wine and the waiter recommended one for "twenty-one fifty". . . . . that was two-thousand, one-hundred and fifty (i probably have the exact numbers wrong).  things got sort of terse when the bill came.

 

 

[SKL]

I would just clarify that I have no problem with people offering a drink when others are drinking.  That is common courtesy, whether it's alcohol or lemonade.  But after giving a clear "no," then that should be it.

 

I do have a friend who always asks multiple times about everything (not drink as neither of us drink alcohol).  It is annoying but she insists it is cultural - in her culture, it is rude not to ask at least 3x, and it is also polite to refuse the first 2x even if you plan on accepting the 3rd time.  So we have an understanding:  she can ask up to 3x before I snap at her, LOL.  And I also offer her things multiple times so she is sure I really mean it, even though I would not do this with others.

 

So, if I had a true friend who was doing this kind of thing, I would just ask her why she was persisting, and assure her that my "no" means "no."  I could also add that no matter what day or time it is, and no matter how many times I'm asked, the answer will always be "no."  I would still not get mad if she asked me in the way her culture's manners require, but beyond that, NO PLEASE.  YOU ARE MAKING ME TIRED.

[Word Nerd]

I'm sorry you have jerks around you!

 

While I do drink in general, I don't always drink out, and I never touched wine until I was in my very late 30s.  Other than my own sisters teasing me about being wine-averse (which was fine by me), I've never had anyone try to push a drink on me.

 

I'm sometimes hassled for being beer-averse. I don't like the taste except for the occasional flavored microbrew, and if that makes me a beer snob, whatever. I'd much rather have wine or a spritzer.

[elegantlion]

I have drank on and off in my life. One grandmother was an alcoholic, the other thought all drinkers were evil alcoholics. My parents bought a bottle of Boone's Farm every year or so. I did not have responsible drinking modeled for me until I was an adult. I quit for a long time, but started again shortly before my divorce (coincidental timing? You decide! ;) ). I'm particular about my drinks, I don't like beer at all. 

 

I dislike the idea that everyone who drinks is a raging alcoholic out for a bender. There is a happy medium for most people. 

 

It is rude to pressure non drinkers to drink. A simple "No thank you" should suffice. There are a million reasons why one might chose not to drink either at one event or any event.  

 

Honestly, if I were at an event where people were pressuring me to drink, I would either leave or throw some Coke in a rock glass and just tell people you're good and show them the class. They would have no idea it's just soda. 

[AmandaVT]

If pressed (which is extremely rude) I tell the absolute truth -- I prefer to eat my calories rather than drink them.

 

 

I'm not a non-drinker, but I rarely drink. This is my go-to answer as well. 

 

The only people that have pushed me to drink with them in the past are ones who have a drinking problem themselves. My friend used to give me a real hard time about it, grilling me and a few months ago she admitted to me that she has a problem and that she's considering AA. 

[kewb]

Incredibly rude behavior. You don't owe anyone an explanation. When pressed I repeat "No, thank you."

Tbh, we rarely get together with one branch of the family because they are deeply enmeshed with drinking culture and constantly encourage my underage children to indulge.

[Spryte]

"No, thanks," has always worked for me. I would not hang out with people who pushed it.

 

I don't know of anyone who would push alcohol, and can't quite wrap my head around adults acting this way.

 

I did not drink at all for 12 years, due to medical reasons. No one ever commented. Now I have an occasional drink. Last night we were at an event, and I had a glass of wine. One acquaintance made a general comment that she'd never seen me with a drink before, just a surprised statement. I smiled. That is the only comment I've ever received about my 12 years with no alcohol.

 

And if they'd asked - eh, I'd have been honest (couldn't drink due to med interactions). So in your case, be honest and firm. Why say you don't like the taste? That's like offering a puzzle to someone else, to find something you like. And it's not honest. You've said you have more reasons for not drinking than not liking the taste. Just, "No thanks, I don't drink," is enough. Leave it there.

[coralloyd]

I would not say anything about the taste. I simply say, "No, thank you. I don't drink." In a way that does not invite discussion. 

[heartlikealion]

I don't usually drink and the medication I'm on now tells me not to so I won't be anytime soon, but if someone offered me alcohol I would probably just say, "no thanks." Separately from alcohol consumption in general, there does seem to be this unspoken assumption that all moms drink wine. Never really cared for wine. I think I tried one that was okay but it was not typical. Or maybe it was a champagne actually, but I thought it was a really sweet wine that someone offered me on New Year's. I don't even really like tasting a glass of wine because if it's expensive I feel this pressure to consume it. That happened to me before.

 

I also don't drink coffee (gasp) but I generally just say, "no thanks" or "I don't drink coffee." People are perplexed. I don't particularly like the smell of it, either.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would just clarify that I have no problem with people offering a drink when others are drinking. That is common courtesy, whether it's alcohol or lemonade. But after giving a clear "no," then that should be it.

 

I do have a friend who always asks multiple times about everything (not drink as neither of us drink alcohol). It is annoying but she insists it is cultural - in her culture, it is rude not to ask at least 3x, and it is also polite to refuse the first 2x even if you plan on accepting the 3rd time. So we have an understanding: she can ask up to 3x before I snap at her, LOL. And I also offer her things multiple times so she is sure I really mean it, even though I would not do this with others.

 

So, if I had a true friend who was doing this kind of thing, I would just ask her why she was persisting, and assure her that my "no" means "no." I could also add that no matter what day or time it is, and no matter how many times I'm asked, the answer will always be "no." I would still not get mad if she asked me in the way her culture's manners require, but beyond that, NO PLEASE. YOU ARE MAKING ME TIRED.

I had such a hard time with this when I first came to the US for college. Someone would offer me a drink (not just alcohol). I would politely say "no thank you " fully expecting to say yes the next time it was offered. And the person would say "ok" and not offer again. I was very thirsty for awhile until I adjusted my cultural norms!

 

That old cultural norm came in handy again though when I married into a Filipino family. It would be silly for me to take offense at multiple offers of food and drink in that context. I would be constantly offended.

[Lady Florida.]

This isn't the first time the issue of adults pushing alcohol on other adults has come up on this board. Is it a culture thing? Regional? As I said upthread I haven't had it happen to me since I was in my 20s. I do hang around with a group of women who enjoy trying new fancy drinks as well as wine, and dh's family often has alcohol at gatherings, so it's not as though I'm never around drinkers. In dh's family it's self serve, so while FIL will sometimes offer me his "special egg nog" or whatever concoction he made, mostly the stuff is just there for anyone to pour their own. Often at our game nights or movie nights the hostess is making some new sweet and/or frozen drink for everyone to try. They know me and will offer out of politeness (because sometimes I do want to taste it) but no one pushes. In fact, if it's feasible the person hosting will sometimes make a lower alcohol or alcohol free version for me because the other flavors are so yummy they want me to be able to enjoy it as well.

Edited May 21, 2017 by Lady Florida.

[stephanier.1765]

When people keep pushing about something, it could be anything, I tell them, "You need to stop." That usually shocks them enough to stop but if I have a person abnormally persistent, and drunks usually are, then I walk away. If it is someone on the phone, I hang up. Once politeness hasn't worked, I no longer put with that crap.

[J-rap]

I enjoy a glass of wine sometimes, but I don't enjoy any other kind of alcohol at all.  If someone tried to push a drink on me, I'd think it was extremely rude.  I'd start out by simply saying, "No thanks."  If they asked why, I'd maybe just say "Not interested."  If they kept pressing, I'd maybe say, "Why is this so important to you?"  After that I'd change the subject.  I don't think I owe anyone a reason.

 

I've never had anyone pressure me or question my drink choices though.  

[SKL]

...Separately from alcohol consumption in general, there does seem to be this unspoken assumption that all moms drink wine. ...

 

I have noticed this too.  It especially seems to come up at AHG events, which is kinda funny because the AHG culture is pretty conservative.  People will tell me I need to go have a drink of wine after the kids go to bed etc.  I do respond that I don't drink wine, because that is more honest than just smiling and nodding.

 

My ex-boss used to say similar - "contemplate this at home over a beer this evening."  I would say "I don't drink" and he'd say, "that may be your problem.  You should try it."

 

Sometimes I have briefly wondered if there is something to that ... but my dad was an alcoholic and like many here, having seen bad results in my family, I don't want to risk it.  But nobody else needs to know that.

Edited May 21, 2017 by SKL

[Tangerine]

As someone who has been the primary support for a person going through alcohol rehab, I can't tell you how many times I listened to people in support groups struggling with addiction talk about how hard it was for them to be the only person not drinking at a work or social function.  It is for that reason that I would not choose to a) somehow avoid saying the words "I don't drink" so people don't feel judged.  There is a way to do that without it sounding sanctimonious.  Or b) pretend to drink by having a drink that appears to be alcoholic.  Since I've never been a drinker, save a year or two in my twenties, it isn't something I have ever had a problem declining.  But I think there's something to be said for standing in quiet solidarity with other folks who may be around who are struggling with being the only one.  It's a perspective I wouldn't have had prior to my experience with addicts.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have noticed this too.  It especially seems to come up at AHG events, which is kinda funny because the AHG culture is pretty conservative.  People will say I need to go have a drink of wine after the kids go to bed etc.  I do respond that I don't drink wine, because that is more honest than just smiling and nodding.

 

My ex-boss used to say similar - "contemplate this at home over a beer this evening."  I would say "I don't drink" and he'd say, "that may be your problem.  You should try it."

 

Sometimes I have briefly wondered if there is something to that ... but my dad was an alcoholic and like many here, having seen bad results in my family, I don't want to risk it.  But nobody else needs to know that.

 

Sometimes that can just be an expression.  Even though I don't drink, on an especially hard day I will (sort of) joke and say "It's five o'clock somewhere!"  or "I need to break out the bubbly".  Of course it can also be someone's real intent. 

[SKL]

Sometimes that can just be an expression.  Even though I don't drink, on an especially hard day I will (sort of) joke and say "It's five o'clock somewhere!"  or "I need to break out the bubbly".  Of course it can also be someone's real intent. 

 

Sorry if I was unclear - I meant that they are telling *me* I need to have a drink.  (Probably in reaction to my stressful schedule as a single working parent.  Surely not because my kids would drive anyone to drink, LOL.)

[Tanaqui]

I do have a friend who always asks multiple times about everything (not drink as neither of us drink alcohol).  It is annoying but she insists it is cultural - in her culture, it is rude not to ask at least 3x, and it is also polite to refuse the first 2x even if you plan on accepting the 3rd time.  So we have an understanding:  she can ask up to 3x before I snap at her, LOL.  And I also offer her things multiple times so she is sure I really mean it, even though I would not do this with others.

 

Oh, that's a good point, I hadn't thought of that. It's true, things can be confusing when people from "accept the first time" cultures bump into people from "decline a certain number of times" cultures.

[DawnM]

that's not very much.  I long remember the dinner we went to with dh's boss and a couple other people.  they EACH spent (in today's dollars) $170 on three glasses of wine.  and yeah - that was about 1/3 more than dinner.  his boss was very fond of good wine - which is expensive.

and even that's not very high.  one of those wines (the ice wine?) was discounted because the bottle had been opened the previous night for a wedding.

it wasn't long ago I recall the story of the guy who asked about a bottle of wine and the waiter recommended one for "twenty-one fifty". . . . . that was two-thousand, one-hundred and fifty (i probably have the exact numbers wrong).  things got sort of terse when the bill came.

 

My point was the amount of alcohol.

Edited May 21, 2017 by DawnM

[QueenCat]

I typically serve wine when we have a dinner party or at things like book club. I can't imagine not accepting the answer of "no thank you". If someone says "no thank you", I let them know what other options I have (typically, water, coffee, maybe soda). I would not be offended by "no thank you". I normally wouldn't be offended by "no, I don't drink it" unless it was said as if it was "wrong" to drink and I felt like they were judging me for having it. HOWEVER, even if I thought they were being judgemental in the "tone" in which they responded, as my guest, they'd NEVER know I felt judged. They'd still see the happy hostess.

[zimom]

I chose not to drink due to my strong family history of alcoholism.  However, I also pretty much just drink water since its just what I prefer.  My husband does drink, but just very socially.  In my adult life, I have never had anyone give me a hard time until about a year ago, one of his clients and they really were a$$e$$ about it.  Of course, I kept my mouth shut since they were his clients and we had a good laugh about it later.  Wine snobs, more like jerks.

 

 

[ktgrok]

I have noticed this too.  It especially seems to come up at AHG events, which is kinda funny because the AHG culture is pretty conservative.  People will tell me I need to go have a drink of wine after the kids go to bed etc.  I do respond that I don't drink wine, because that is more honest than just smiling and nodding.

 

My ex-boss used to say similar - "contemplate this at home over a beer this evening."  I would say "I don't drink" and he'd say, "that may be your problem.  You should try it."

 

Sometimes I have briefly wondered if there is something to that ... but my dad was an alcoholic and like many here, having seen bad results in my family, I don't want to risk it.  But nobody else needs to know that.

 

If they said, "I'm going to go hit the gym" would you feel the need to say you don't have a gym membership? It just seems like a comment that doesn't need a response, other than a chuckle maybe. 

 

And same with the boss thing...I think taking the point without agreeing with the specifics is fine. Like if someone told me to go treat myself to a big juicy steak, I wouldn't feel the need to point out i prefer pasta or something. 

[heartlikealion]

If they said, "I'm going to go hit the gym" would you feel the need to say you don't have a gym membership? It just seems like a comment that doesn't need a response, other than a chuckle maybe. 

 

And same with the boss thing...I think taking the point without agreeing with the specifics is fine. Like if someone told me to go treat myself to a big juicy steak, I wouldn't feel the need to point out i prefer pasta or something. 

 

I think it's okay to brush past those comments, too. I think drinking coffee and wine is so common if someone jokes with me that I should treat myself to Starbucks or a wine I might just laugh and smile or even say, "yeah, really" if the intention was that I need a break.

 

[SKL]

If they said, "I'm going to go hit the gym" would you feel the need to say you don't have a gym membership? It just seems like a comment that doesn't need a response, other than a chuckle maybe. 

 

And same with the boss thing...I think taking the point without agreeing with the specifics is fine. Like if someone told me to go treat myself to a big juicy steak, I wouldn't feel the need to point out i prefer pasta or something. 

 

Again ... I was trying to be clear but I guess I failed.  I mean they are telling me that *I* need to have a drink.  As in:  "You [sKL] need to have a glass of wine after your kids go go bed."

 

If they said to me, "you need to hit the gym," that would be a lot different than them saying "I need to hit the gym," LOL.

 

As for the boss, we were close enough that I could be that personal with him.  Lord knows he was personal enough with me about his wine drinking habits and everything else.  He wasn't the type to take offense.

Edited May 21, 2017 by SKL

[heartlikealion]

Again ... I was trying to be clear but I guess I failed.  I mean they are telling me that *I* need to have a drink.  As in:  "You [sKL] need to have a glass of wine after your kids go go bed."

 

If they said to me, "you need to hit the gym," that would be a lot different than them saying "I need to hit the gym," LOL.

 

 

I know they are telling you to do it (and I think ktgrok knew it, too). But it's kind of an extension of the expression, "I need a drink" I think. "You need a drink/I need a drink" to express that one needs a break. That's how I take it. Depending on my mood and the person I was talking with I might react differently to such a suggestion. Like if they made the suggestion when I was pregnant I might be like, "I'm not drinking, I'm pregnant" but then I think that would just invite, "it's okay to have one glass."

 

Sometimes it's not worth the energy to explain ourselves lol. Like if I complain we don't have a dishwasher. Some people think they are being helpful by saying, "make your kids do that chore" but they don't realize that I know my kid and I'm lucky if he puts the right shoes on the right feet.

[SKL]

And while I don't think others "deserve" an explanation if we don't drink wine, I don't see why it should be taboo to mention it either.  I mean why is it OK for people to go on and on about their love for alcohol if I'm not allowed to make a peep about my alcohol habits (or lack thereof)?

 

Honestly, having worked with people who are a little too serious (to the point of being obnoxious) about alcohol, it frankly annoys me after a point.  When I was doing a group project with a boss who was all about wines every evening, I opted to eat packaged food in my hotel room rather than listen to him go on and on for hours every night.  So that's fine, but if I say I don't drink that is a faux pas ....

[SKL]

I know they are telling you to do it (and I think ktgrok knew it, too). But it's kind of an extension of the expression, "I need a drink" I think. "You need a drink/I need a drink" to express that one needs a break. That's how I take it. Depending on my mood and the person I was talking with I might react differently to such a suggestion. Like if they made the suggestion when I was pregnant I might be like, "I'm not drinking, I'm pregnant" but then I think that would just invite, "it's okay to have one glass."

 

Sometimes it's not worth the energy to explain ourselves lol. Like if I complain we don't have a dishwasher. Some people think they are being helpful by saying, "make your kids do that chore" but they don't realize that I know my kid and I'm lucky if he puts the right shoes on the right feet.

 

Well for the record, I don't think any of the AHG moms is offended by my saying I don't drink.

 

I don't see why it should be a secret.  So what.  I'm not judging them, just saying something about me.  Like, I don't knit or I don't cook (elaborate meals).  Doesn't mean that you suck if you knit or cook ....

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

And while I don't think others "deserve" an explanation if we don't drink wine, I don't see why it should be taboo to mention it either.  I mean why is it OK for people to go on and on about their love for alcohol if I'm not allowed to make a peep about my alcohol habits (or lack thereof)?

 

Honestly, having worked with people who are a little too serious (to the point of being obnoxious) about alcohol, it frankly annoys me after a point.  When I was doing a group project with a boss who was all about wines every evening, I opted to eat packaged food in my hotel room rather than listen to him go on and on for hours every night.  So that's fine, but if I say I don't drink that is a faux pas ....

 

It doesn't matter what you do.  The point is that you are taking a non-literal comment literally.  It makes social events a lot easier if you can learn how to respond to the intent behind a comment instead of the comment itself.  It is something that I'm teaching my Aspie.  (I'm not saying that you have Aspergers but it this issue of taking things too literally is something that my Aspie struggles with.)  But just like you don't have to eat or drink what others tell you to eat or drink, you don't have to conduct your social life the way I say either.  This is just my observations on how I conduct them and how I teach my son to do so as well. 

Edited May 21, 2017 by Jean in Newcastle

[SKL]

It doesn't matter what you do.  The point is that you are taking a non-literal comment literally.  It makes social events a lot easier if you can learn how to respond to the intent behind a comment instead of the comment itself.  It is something that I'm teaching my Aspie.  (I'm not saying that you have Aspergers but it this issue of taking things too literally is something that my Aspie struggles with.)  But just like you don't have to eat or drink what others tell you to eat or drink, you don't have to conduct your social life the way I say either.  This is just my observations on how I conduct them and how I teach my son to do so as well. 

 

So you believe that what the earlier poster said (that people assume all moms drink wine), to which I responded with "yeah I notice that too," is not accurate.  That when people mention moms and wine, it is not literal.  You may be right.  I don't know.  I've seen the comment a lot, including by moms who say they are looking forward to having some wine after their kids go to bed.  I have never gotten the impression that they weren't literally going to have a drink later that evening.  Which, whether it's literal or not, is fine with me.

 

Edited May 21, 2017 by SKL

[heartlikealion]

Well for the record, I don't think any of the AHG moms is offended by my saying I don't drink.

 

I don't see why it should be a secret.  So what.  I'm not judging them, just saying something about me.  Like, I don't knit or I don't cook (elaborate meals).  Doesn't mean that you suck if you knit or cook ....

 

 

I'm sorry if I'm not making sense. What I meant was it's kind of like when someone says, "how are you?" and you say "fine" even though you could say "well, I've had a crappy morning, I couldn't find a parking spot..." etc. It's just small talk or whatever. I hate small talk. But it's a little less awkward for me to say "fine" and move on or say "yeah haha" when they say, "get yourself a drink" than to say, "I don't drink" and then have a back and forth conversation I didn't want.

 

I am not ashamed of my decisions when I drink or don't drink. I personally rarely do and I don't care if others do. I don't consider my choices secret, either.

 

[heartlikealion]

So you believe that what the earlier poster said (that people assume moms drink wine), to which I responded with "yeah I notice that too," is not accurate.  That when people mention moms and wine, it is not literal.  You may be right.  I don't know.  I've seen the comment a lot, including by moms who say they are looking forward to having some wine after their kids go to bed.  I have never gotten the impression that they weren't literally going to have a drink later that evening.  Which, whether it's literal or not, is fine with me.

 

 

Oh I do take a lot of that literally... that a lot of moms do enjoy wine (because I have heard them say so or share memes about it). But I react as if it's a harmless suggestion or expression if they tell *me* to have a drink. Just because for me it's easier to respond that way.

[Jean in Newcastle]

So you believe that what the earlier poster said (that people assume moms drink wine), to which I responded with "yeah I notice that too," is not accurate.  That when people mention moms and wine, it is not literal.  You may be right.  I don't know.  I've seen the comment a lot, including by moms who say they are looking forward to having some wine after their kids go to bed.  I have never gotten the impression that they weren't literally going to have a drink later that evening.  Which, whether it's literal or not, is fine with me.

 

 

It's a meme.  It may or may not be true.  Some moms enjoy some wine after their kids go to bed.  Some enjoy a cup of tea or diet coke.  Obviously tone, your history with the person (ie. if you know that the person enjoys wine etc.), context etc. will all help to determine if something was meant literally or not. 

[SKL]

I'm sorry if I'm not making sense. What I meant was it's kind of like when someone says, "how are you?" and you say "fine" even though you could say "well, I've had a crappy morning, I couldn't find a parking spot..." etc. It's just small talk or whatever. I hate small talk. But it's a little less awkward for me to say "fine" and move on or say "yeah haha" when they say, "get yourself a drink" than to say, "I don't drink" and then have a back and forth conversation I didn't want.

 

I am not ashamed of my decisions when I drink or don't drink. I personally rarely do and I don't care if others do. I don't consider my choices secret, either.

 

 

Well these conversations generally happen around the campfire where a light ongoing conversation is occurring.  It's not an annoyed "get off my back" kind of conversation.  It's partly a "getting to know each other" conversation.  I don't hide most things about myself.  If someone suggests I tell my husband xyz I say I'm not married.  If they suggest I swing by xyz grocery store I say I actually live on the other side of town.  No, it isn't "necessary," but I don't see the problem.

 

[heartlikealion]

Well these conversations generally happen around the campfire where a light ongoing conversation is occurring.  It's not an annoyed "get off my back" kind of conversation.  It's partly a "getting to know each other" conversation.  I don't hide most things about myself.  If someone suggests I tell my husband xyz I say I'm not married.  If they suggest I swing by xyz grocery store I say I actually live on the other side of town.  No, it isn't "necessary," but I don't see the problem.

 

 

I don't think your response is wrong. I just was saying I think it's okay to brush it off, too and doing so doesn't mean you're being secretive. :) I am pretty scrupulous so if I say not to fret over the response then I'd say the average person would say so. Just my two cents.

 

[SKL]

Oh I do take a lot of that literally... that a lot of moms do enjoy wine (because I have heard them say so or share memes about it). But I react as if it's a harmless suggestion or expression if they tell *me* to have a drink. Just because for me it's easier to respond that way.

 

Well sure it's harmless, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to share a little bit of myself, if I want to, since they brought up alcohol.

[heartlikealion]

Well sure it's harmless, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to share a little bit of myself, if I want to, since they brought up alcohol.

 

you most certainly are. I don't think anyone is saying you can't. Just that if you omit details that no one would read too much into it. Like the "have a nice steak" comment someone posted. Maybe they actually are on a diet but don't want to respond, "it's not on my diet" and just smile and nod.

 

(I would get along fine with the kinds of responses you offer, but some people just want that smile and nod so they can move on)

Edited May 21, 2017 by heartlikealion

[SKL]

 

(I would get along fine with the kinds of responses you offer, but some people just want that smile and nod so they can move on)

 

Why would they not be able to move on if I simply smiled and said, "I don't drink"?  So far that's never been a conversation stopper in my experience.  Now if I said "spirits are the devil's bla bla bla" that would be an issue ....

 

[heartlikealion]

Why would they not be able to move on if I simply smiled and said, "I don't drink"?  So far that's never been a conversation stopper in my experience.  Now if I said "spirits are the devil's bla bla bla" that would be an issue ....

 

 

I don't know, I find that sometimes statements like that bring a conversation to an awkward moment and mess up the flow of conversation.

 

guy: wanna go bowling?

girl: I don't bowl

guy: want to go to the movies?

girl: I've seen all the ones out

 

as opposed to

guy: wanna go bowling?

me: nah, what about xyz

 

If you tack something onto the end of the statement it might not seem so abrupt. "I don't drink, but I hear you!" I don't know.?? I'm not the most socially adept person so maybe don't listen to me :)

 

[Guest]

This isn't the first time the issue of adults pushing alcohol on other adults has come up on this board. Is it a culture thing? Regional? As I said upthread I haven't had it happen to me since I was in my 20s. I do hang around with a group of women who enjoy trying new fancy drinks as well as wine, and dh's family often has alcohol at gatherings, so it's not as though I'm never around drinkers. In dh's family it's self serve, so while FIL will sometimes offer me his "special egg nog" or whatever concoction he made, mostly the stuff is just there for anyone to pour their own. Often at our game nights or movie nights the hostess is making some new sweet and/or frozen drink for everyone to try. They know me and will offer out of politeness (because sometimes I do want to taste it) but no one pushes. In fact, if it's feasible the person hosting will sometimes make a lower alcohol or alcohol free version for me because the other flavors are so yummy they want me to be able to enjoy it as well.

I have experienced something a little bit different in some settings; it's not being pushed to drink alcohol, but it's a sort of over-emphasis that I do not like displayed in front of my kids. I will drink alcohol, so I am not opposed, but I don't like a big "Rah! Rah!" made of it when children and teens are present. There was one vacation trip with my ILs that I did only one time and this was a big part of the reason. I don't need my kids seeing their aunts and uncles acting like they are at a frat house. It's a bad example. So that is one thing I *have* seen. I will have a drink or some "girl beer" (wine coolers, Mike's hard), but I don't need to announce it.

[Guest]

I don't know, I find that sometimes statements like that bring a conversation to an awkward moment and mess up the flow of conversation.

 

guy: wanna go bowling?

girl: I don't bowl

guy: want to go to the movies?

girl: I've seen all the ones out

 

as opposed to

guy: wanna go bowling?

me: nah, what about xyz

 

If you tack something onto the end of the statement it might not seem so abrupt. "I don't drink, but I hear you!" I don't know.?? I'm not the most socially adept person so maybe don't listen to me :)

 

I think you're right. I encounter this with certain things and the most noticeable one is TV shows that are popular. I have found it is better to say, "No I haven't seen that show" then to say, "I don't watch much TV." Even though both are true statements, people are suspicious of the second response in a way they aren't about the first. I do tell my close friends the second answer, because this is part of the self-disclosure that people need to become close to others, but I have learned that volunteering that info in an "I don't..." manner tends to make people defensive.

[Annie G]

Well sure it's harmless, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to share a little bit of myself, if I want to, since they brought up alcohol.

 

I agree!!!

 

When people offer me wine at their house I usually just decline and ask for water. Often they will then offer beer or some other adult beverage and that's when I say I don't drink.   For the occasional 'you need a drink' comment, I generally say that my chocolate addiction is my go to for stress relief. 

 

I think it's fine to comment that I don't drink. I'm not all high and mighty and nobody ever pressures me to drink. People just think they are being hospitable.    

[gardenmom5]

My point was the amount of alcohol.

 

you said:

DawnM, on 21 May 2017 - 02:55 AM, said:

 

I have a group of friends through a parent group who are drinkers.  I mean heavy drinkers.  One woman orders 3 drinks with dinner every time we go out.  

 

 

I was also speaking about people who ordered 3 drinks- and that cost was greater than the meal.

[Artichoke]

I think you're right. I encounter this with certain things and the most noticeable one is TV shows that are popular. I have found it is better to say, "No I haven't seen that show" then to say, "I don't watch much TV." Even though both are true statements, people are suspicious of the second response in a way they aren't about the first. I do tell my close friends the second answer, because this is part of the self-disclosure that people need to become close to others, but I have learned that volunteering that info in an "I don't..." manner tends to make people defensive.

 

 

This may very well be the crux of the issue.   People tend to become defensive when others eschew what's being offered or discussed.  I've learned to say something like I'm not much of a diet coke, wine, beer drinker etc.   It lets folks know I'm not interested but without the perceived judgement.  Sometimes I'll have  one drink, but then say something like one's my limit when asked about another or a simple "i'm driving"  if someone persists.  Some other things I say are : " No, thanks. I'm good."  and " I'd love a water, diet coke, tea, etc."   

 

We don't have cable so if someone mentions a particular show, I'll simply say that I'm  not much of a TV watcher instead of we don't have cable.  

[JulieA97]

I usually just politely decline when offered an alcoholic beverage. Usually nothing more is said but occasionally someone will say I notice that you never drink. Why is that? and I will mention I don't like the taste. Which then leads into oh but you should try ___, you can't even taste the alcohol in it! Here, try it! I understand people are just trying to be helpful but seriously drop it. I can guarantee I will taste it and if by some miracle I can't, why would I spend that much money on something that tastes like juice when I can get regular juice for a fraction of the price? I just smile and politely refuse again.

 

My ILs have pressured me on this in the past. They are not alcoholics by a long shot, very much have a glass of wine with dinner types. But MIL told me I needed to drink so that our (future at that point) kids don't turn into alcoholics since they need to see it being used responsibly. I can see that kids MAY need to see it being used responsibly but I don't think you forcing me to drink is the way to go about it. My parents didn't drink or have alcohol in the house when I was growing up and yet neither myself nor my siblings are alcoholics.

 

I have also been told that it makes someone uncomfortable if they are drinking and you aren't so the polite thing to do is drink as well. Nope, its not my responsibility to make you feel comfortable by drinking. No one ever says, oh lets not drink because it makes ___ uncomfortable so why the pressure on me to drink?

 

Usually people will accept a polite no thank you and let it go. But those that don't drop it it are seriously rude. So sorry you were put in that position OP.

 

ETA: On my phone so correcting typos

Edited May 22, 2017 by JulieA97

[Wheres Toto]

Can't figure out how to quote on my phone.

 

I don't drink much, almost never at bars or restaurants because it makes me feel bloated and I can't enjoy my food. Bars almost always will have cranberry, pineapple, or orange juice to drink.

 

I've never had anyone give me a hard time about not drinking or even ask why not.

[Zinnia]

We don't drink, but we have in the past.  People don't push it on us.

 

My parents don't drink and haven't in 35 years.  They *do* feel a lot of pressure about drinking.  They often feel uncomfortable in social situations that involve drinking.  They also perceive anyone that has one drink as "drunk," and anyone that downs 3 drinks in a row as having a drinking problem.  So I think, at least in that case, their perceptions about pressure and judgement and drinking and tolerance are just different than what my perceptions are.

[Tangerine]

I understand why people avoid saying "I don't drink." I explained my reasons why I don't go to any lengths to avoid saying that upthread. But if someone offered you a cigarette, would you not just say "No thanks, I don't smoke,"? Would you stop at No thanks, so people don't feel judged?

[SKL]

I understand why people avoid saying "I don't drink." I explained my reasons why I don't go to any lengths to avoid saying that upthread. But if someone offered you a cigarette, would you not just say "No thanks, I don't smoke,"? Would you stop at No thanks, so people don't feel judged?

 

Right, and people have no problem saying they are milk intolerant or allergic to shellfish etc.  Even saying one is vegan is not taboo, though it suggests one is morally opposed to things their friends / hosts are eating / serving.  What is it about wine that makes people so defensive - especially knowing that there are many non-judgmental reasons why people may choose to abstain?