"Women and men cannot ever be friends." Agree or disagree

[Jean in Newcastle]

To the other party or the office workers that saw day after day so and so walked over to this person's desk (like I said that was if the desk wasn't on their way. If they had to go out of their way to stop by the desk to say hi. Then later in the day eat lunch together. It would seem kinda like overkill. At least to me if my dh were wandering around an office to greet a woman each day and then eating with her each day. I would hate that).

 

 

They would know that we were friends.  I would see a lot more red flags if someone was skulking around trying to hide a perfectly platonic relationship. 

 

[regentrude]

Men and women can be friends.

I have male friends. I have male chat-and-wave friends, and I have male friends whom I have trusted with my life. 

I have lived for 1.5 years with male room mates (just one guy and I in the apartment), and we became good friends, and nothing romantic was even indicated (I was married, btw)

I have plenty of male friends who never hit on me or indicated any kind of attraction. 

 

Edited April 1, 2017 by regentrude

[SparklyUnicorn]

This could be a difference in personalities too I think.  I tend to only have one or two very close friends at any given time.  That's all I can manage because those are the types of friendships I prefer and they take a lot to maintain.  I don't call someone a friend lightly either.  Some people call anyone they've met more than once a friend.  It might take me 2 years of seeing someone regularly for me to call them a friend.  So imagine my personality with a male friend.  That could be highly problematic.  Probably the most ideal friendships I've had with males were with gay males.  I never had to worry about them taking my intensity the wrong way. 

 

I had a childhood male friend (several actually because there weren't many girls in my neighborhood).  He moved away and then in high school we reconnected.  We hung out regularly.  Then beyond high school we hung out.  We always did very neutral (or so I thought) kind of hang out stuff.  I never had any attraction to him beyond a friend and really if he had an attraction to me I was either completely clueless or he didn't let on.  Then one day he told me he liked me more than a friend.  He couldn't be friends with me after I basically said sorry I don't feel the same way.  We weren't enemies or anything, but we stopped hanging out.  Which sucked. 

[heartlikealion]

They would know that we were friends.  I would see a lot more red flags if someone was skulking around trying to hide a perfectly platonic relationship. 

 

 

I don't doubt that the friendships described were friendships that remain(ed) platonic. I guess I was saying that no matter how platonic one side sees the friendship, it doesn't mean the other party doesn't have a crush and/or it isn't bothering a spouse. Sometimes one side of the friendship is a single person and they might not have the same guidelines for hanging out with married people as say the married person.

[SKL]

I would say it can be more complicated than it sounds, LOL.  Of course we can be friends.  I have male friends.  I also have had male friends who went beyond being friends at some point or other, which was not intended and not a good idea, and in some cases the friendship was completely destroyed.  In other cases it was just messed up temporarily and changed into something else.  Most of the time nobody else got hurt, but I could see that happening with people who went into the situation innocently, thinking "just friends."

[IfIOnly]

The problem I had with male friendships before marriage is stuff like one guy who I saw as a brother, thought I was head over heels for him because of stuff like I loved his mom. I felt so bad when the feeling was not mutual at all. He married my best friend though. Ha! I've been on the other side too. I fell for a good, old friend. He always said I was his best friend. Well, I had no idea I had fallen for him until got a serious girlfriend. I was so shocked that I was jealous. What? That was my only broken heart. Took maybe a year to heal. It was so painful. Had not experienced anything close to that level of heartache with any of the boyfriends I had before. Yikes. DH was next, thankfully. I have a few more milder stories. Anyway, I'm friendly, but not really friends with guys anymore.

Edited April 1, 2017 by ifIonlyhadabrain

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't doubt that the friendships described were friendships that remain(ed) platonic. I guess I was saying that no matter how platonic one side sees the friendship, it doesn't mean the other party doesn't have a crush and/or it isn't bothering a spouse. Sometimes one side of the friendship is a single person and they might not have the same guidelines for hanging out with married people as say the married person.

 

??  My work place guy friend (who was just one of a number of guy friends in a 90% male profession) never professed any undying crush for me despite working with me for ten years.  I wasn't married then but he was and his marriage was never in trouble.  If things did get weird, I certainly didn't lose the ability or the choice to make changes in the friendship.  And neither did he.  We were adults.  We knew how to have adult social skills. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have had crushes on guys who did not reciprocate my feelings.  Somehow I survived.  Some times we drifted apart - not necessarily because of unrequited love but simply because it turned out that we didn't have so much in common after all.  Or someone moved.  Or developed new requited relationships that took our time and energy. 

 

I've had guy friends who had crushes on me.  Again, the guys survived the experience.  And again, some drifted apart.  And one in particular is still a very close friend.  In fact, I introduced him later to his wife. 

 

Friendships are not static.  They change - sometimes by drifting apart, and sometimes by growing closer.  The growing closer doesn't have to be based on romantic feelings at all.  It can be based on shared interests, values, and the way we see and interact with the world. 

[JustEm]

I have male friends that I have been attracted to in the past. So what though. One of my closest friends admitted that she was attracted to my dh. Guess what.. he remained friends with her and they even hung out alone at our house while I was out of state. Just because she was attracted to him didn't mean she was going to suddenly try to hook up with him or even flirt with him. Sometimes you can't help who you are attracted to. But that doesn't mean you'll act on it. It also doesn't mean that you aren't friends simply because you find a person attractive. Under different circumstances they may have been more than friends but the reality is that dh is in a committed relationship with me so they will always just be friends.

 

We have a close homosexual friend who finds dh quite attractive. Not once has it ever occurred to either of us that somehow because he is attracted to dh they can't or aren't actually friends.

[Sharon77]

I'm sure this is one of those things where it just depends.

 

I have a friend whose husband is a attractive surgeon. I agree with her rules for their marriage.

Women are predatory...even the unmarried female doctors. The things I hear make my jaw drop.

She needs to guard their marriage with a alligator infested moat...and snipers

 

And then there are other men who are so neutral, they just don't get the same reactions from women, so maybe that person's spouse is fine with whatever.

 

Personally, the only way I agreed to marry my dh was for him to end all female friendships, and he had a lot. No way no how. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

If my husband were so weak that I had no confidence in his ability to guard his own mind and soul and body, then I wouldn't have married him or stayed married to him.  I've met some predatory females who told me that they would gladly take my husband off of my hands (yes - they said it to my face).  I laughed and told them that he chose me and not them.  If at some point he did have an affair (since of course I have no control over that) then he would be 100% to blame for his part in it.  But so far 24 years and counting and not even any hints of affairs. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

 

 

I have a friend whose husband is a attractive surgeon. I agree with her rules for their marriage.

Women are predatory...even the unmarried female doctors. The things I hear make my jaw drop.

She needs to guard their marriage with a alligator infested moat...and snipers

 

And then there are other men who are so neutral, they just don't get the same reactions from women, so maybe that person's spouse is fine with whatever.

 

1. If I had a man who needed to be guarded with alligator infested moat and snipers, metaphorically, I'd cut him loose because I have too many other things to do. My husband is notably handsome but manages his own...drawbridge. I don't follow him around or anything.

 

2. The second point - have you never known of completely average looking persons who have had extremely torrid affairs? It's not about movie star looks for everyone. Even Hollywood testifies.

[Rosie_0801]

Personally, the only way I agreed to marry my dh was for him to end all female friendships, and he had a lot. No way no how. 

 

If a man said that, we'd all be screaming about red flags. 

[Scarlett]

I don't doubt that the friendships described were friendships that remain(ed) platonic. I guess I was saying that no matter how platonic one side sees the friendship, it doesn't mean the other party doesn't have a crush and/or it isn't bothering a spouse. Sometimes one side of the friendship is a single person and they might not have the same guidelines for hanging out with married people as say the married person.

 

 

I have male friends.  One male friend in particular has called me more than once to ask advice about a very sensitive topic.  And he and his wife are our good friends....I think she is bothered by how much he talks to other women....so dh and I have made a very conscious effort for dh to interact with him and I interact with her especially via text.  

 

I definitely think men and women can be good friends but the boundaries are different than between same sex friendships.

[JustEm]

If my husband were so weak that I had no confidence in his ability to guard his own mind and soul and body, then I wouldn't have married him or stayed married to him. I've met some predatory females who told me that they would gladly take my husband off of my hands (yes - they said it to my face). I laughed and told them that he chose me and not them. If at some point he did have an affair (since of course I have no control over that) then he would be 100% to blame for his part in it. But so far 24 years and counting and not even any hints of affairs.

This 100%. I had a friend once warn me that one of the women clients at dh's work was talking about how attractive he was and that she'd like to get his number(she didn't know he was married at the time.) The friend informed her that he was married and she said something along the lines of still being interested in him. My response to my friend was to laugh about it and that I wasn't surprised. My friend couldn't believe that I wasn't offended or worried at all. I trust my dh to deal with her in an appropriate manner if she were to actually try anything. No one ever has though so it is mostly just talk.

[regentrude]

1. If I had a man who needed to be guarded with alligator infested moat and snipers, metaphorically, I'd cut him loose because I have too many other things to do. My husband is notably handsome but manages his own...drawbridge. I don't follow him around or anything.

 

And if you think it's necessary, the moat and snipers may not guarantee safety anyway.

I know a couple. Husband a well known musician. Wife guarded him with alligator moat and sniper, i.e. tagged along on every concert tour to keep careful watch. A few weeks before their 50 year wedding anniversary it came to light that he has a teenage son with another woman and has kept in contact with him for all these years.

Obviously he found a way to evade her surveillance.

Edited April 2, 2017 by regentrude

[FaithManor]

1. If I had a man who needed to be guarded with alligator infested moat and snipers, metaphorically, I'd cut him loose because I have too many other things to do. My husband is notably handsome but manages his own...drawbridge. I don't follow him around or anything.

 

2. The second point - have you never known of completely average looking persons who have had extremely torrid affairs? It's not about movie star looks for everyone. Even Hollywood testifies.

Ya. Seriously. Why bother to hitch your wagon to someone you distrust so much? That is a lot of insecurity, and again, it will not stop him from having an affair if that is how he rolls.

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

 

I definitely think men and women can be good friends but the boundaries are different than between same sex friendships.

 

I don't have sex with same sex friends either.  And yes, I understand the concept of an emotional affair but I'm not emotionally intimate with my female friends in the same way I am with dh either. 

[Scarlett]

I don't have sex with same sex friends either.  And yes, I understand the concept of an emotional affair but I'm not emotionally intimate with my female friends in the same way I am with dh either. 

 

 

That is good.  You sound very in control of yourself and confident in your relationship.  Many people don't have that.  

[Ausmumof3]

I consider it as being friends with an alligator. You could get bitten at any time. I've had plenty of male "friends" who eventually made a move on me. Heck, I'm married to one of them. Lol

😂😂😂

[scrapbookbuzz]

To whom?  I had a similar work friendship with a man at my work  We didn't even work in the same department.  It didn't send any mixed signals to me because I wasn't accepting any romantic signals and would have shut them down if they were sent.  (They weren't.)  And since I wasn't sending any romantic signals and he never acted as if I were, it wasn't a problem there either.  If people had gossiped about it then I would have told them to get their mind out of the gutter.  We were going to the local Chinese buffet, not for a roll in the hay. 

Here's my experience on this (specifically the bolded): I am a friendly person and I like to converse with people. I also like to kid/joke around. Even when I think we're having a regular ol' conversation, I've found out later that some of the guys I've had these fun conversations with thought I was flirting or "coming on too strong." and that was the FURTHEST thing from my mind! I just thought I was having a fun conversation because nothing THEY said or did indicated otherwise.

 

So yes, signals can get mixed up, received wrong, or not even received!

[Bluegoat]

Well, I think the can be.  There re perhaps some complications that are more likely.  And some people seem to tend, just naturally, to relate better to people of the same sex so far as friendship goes. 

 

I've met an occasional person who doesn't like her partner to have other female friends, because she finds it threatening.  Those people seem pretty far out to me in other ways, this is a symptom of a larger personal issue.  I'm sure there are men like this too but none have mentioned it to me.

[Bluegoat]

I don't have sex with same sex friends either.  And yes, I understand the concept of an emotional affair but I'm not emotionally intimate with my female friends in the same way I am with dh either. 

 

I don't know -  I think it's pretty reasonable that for man people, a friendship with a person who could be a sexual partner is going to have some differences.  I have a close male friend who is very good looking.  Luckily there is no way I would be interested in him sexually, he isn't attractive to me despite his looks.  I can treat him like I would a brother and be very affectionate.  But I can easily imagine that if I was attracted to him, or I thought he might be to me, I would have to be aware of myself in the relationship in a different way.

 

I know when I was younger, I had some male friends who were actually interested in a relationship - I was too clueless to notice.  In at least one case, I think there were some hurt feelings.  That is also something I would rather avoid, and that too could require some personal awareness.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't know - I think it's pretty reasonable that for man people, a friendship with a person who could be a sexual partner is going to have some differences. I have a close male friend who is very good looking. Luckily there is no way I would be interested in him sexually, he isn't attractive to me despite his looks. I can treat him like I would a brother and be very affectionate. But I can easily imagine that if I was attracted to him, or I thought he might be to me, I would have to be aware of myself in the relationship in a different way.

 

I know when I was younger, I had some male friends who were actually interested in a relationship - I was too clueless to notice. In at least one case, I think there were some hurt feelings. That is also something I would rather avoid, and that too could require some personal awareness.

But as a married person no one other than my husband could be a sexual partner. And as a married person no one other than me could be my husband's sexual partner. That's a decision we both made when we made our marriage vows. It's a decision that holds weight for us.

[heartlikealion]

??  My work place guy friend (who was just one of a number of guy friends in a 90% male profession) never professed any undying crush for me despite working with me for ten years.  I wasn't married then but he was and his marriage was never in trouble.  If things did get weird, I certainly didn't lose the ability or the choice to make changes in the friendship.  And neither did he.  We were adults.  We knew how to have adult social skills. 

 

I wasn't talking about professed crushes. I was talking about secret crushes. Say it was obvious to your spouse or coworkers that a male coworker had a crush on you. Would that knowledge affect your interactions? If I knew a male colleague had a crush on me I certainly would give pause about continuing to eat lunch with them one on one. It doesn't matter if they openly told me. And I wouldn't expect my colleague to necessarily share with me that their marriage was on the rocks if it was. Heck, I want dh to go to marriage counseling with me. I don't expect his coworkers to suspect that.

[AmandaVT]

Two of my closest friends are men. One, I've known since I was 14 and we've been very close ever since. We've always been platonic (almost 26 years now!) and our spouses get along nicely too. The other, I've known since I was about 20 and he actually introduced me to DH. They've been good friends since they were in 7th grade. 

 

So, yes, it's possible.

[Katy]

You cannot be friends with someone when one of you is sexually attracted to the other.  The sexual tension gets in the way of true friendship, and the closer you are, and the more you spend time together, the stronger the attraction and tension gets.  Now if only one of you is pining for the other, it's possible to fake a friendship for years, but usually sooner or later it ends either in romance or in letting the friendship slide.

 

If neither of you is attracted to the other, of course you can be friends.

 

It is best to act friendly with everyone, even if you are not going out of your way to be close friends because it would be a false friendship.

[MelAR05]

Sorry, agreeing with When Harry Met Sally on this one. Possible? Yes Probable? No

[heartlikealion]

I'm really hating the implication that if a woman thinks precautions might be healthy that she must not trust her spouse. It could simply be that she does trust her spouse but doesn't see any reason for temptation to potentially be there or she wants to protect the other people that he could inadvertently be leading on. Or you know, she may not trust the other people.

[Ausmumof3]

I think it's totally possible but doesn't seem to work for me. Each time I've thought the friendship was going smoothly it turned out something more was wanted. I'm not particularly attractive or anything so I'm not sure why. I didn't grow up with brothers so maybe I'm unconsciously giving off wrong signals. My DH is pretty good at friendships with either and I try not to be jealous but sometimes I am. Mostly when our own friendship isn't going so well for whatever reason.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Btw- I asked dh and he said pretty much exactly what I have said. And I didn't feed him the answer.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[heartlikealion]

This makes me sad. Should those of us who are married and bisexual never have any close friends, then?

 

In this case I would guess that the suggestion would be that a bisexual woman spend more time with her straight friends rather than gay female friends? If that's applicable. I really think the answer is going to depend on the individuals involved. Obviously not every partner is going to feel uncomfortable with outside relationships or specific friends. YMMV

Edited April 2, 2017 by heartlikealion

[JustEm]

You cannot be friends with someone when one of you is sexually attracted to the other. The sexual tension gets in the way of true friendship, and the closer you are, and the more you spend time together, the stronger the attraction and tension gets. Now if only one of you is pining for the other, it's possible to fake a friendship for years, but usually sooner or later it ends either in romance or in letting the friendship slide.

 

If neither of you is attracted to the other, of course you can be friends.

 

It is best to act friendly with everyone, even if you are not going out of your way to be close friends because it would be a false friendship.

Or a third thing that can happen is you continue a true friendship, not act on any sexual urges, and the attraction goes away . Why would you have to fake a friendship because you are sexually attracted to someone? It is possible to be sexually attracted to someone and make the decision to never act or attempt to act on those feelings.

 

My best friend, for example, who I knew was attracted to my dh even before we started dated immediately chose my friendship over any attraction she had for him. She didn't have to fake her friendship for him. Eventually those feelings went away. Now she's happily married and we've all remained friends the whole time.

[Mergath]

I'm sure this is one of those things where it just depends.

 

I have a friend whose husband is a attractive surgeon. I agree with her rules for their marriage.

Women are predatory...even the unmarried female doctors. The things I hear make my jaw drop.

She needs to guard their marriage with a alligator infested moat...and snipers

 

And then there are other men who are so neutral, they just don't get the same reactions from women, so maybe that person's spouse is fine with whatever.

 

Personally, the only way I agreed to marry my dh was for him to end all female friendships, and he had a lot. No way no how. 

 

This is the most depressing thing I've read on here in a while.

 

Women are predatory? Um... no. Honestly, it sounds like the problem is that you hang out with some awful people.

 

And for the record, if my dh had refused to marry me unless I ended all my friendships, we would not have gotten married. I'm a reasonably attractive person. Not drop-dead gorgeous or anything, but I have my share of people flirt with me (well, when I'm not visibly pregnant, anyway). Dh has never had to resort to alligators, moats, or snipers to keep me from cheating on him. That sounds miserable for everyone involved.

 

[SKL]

But as a married person no one other than my husband could be a sexual partner. And as a married person no one other than me could be my husband's sexual partner. That's a decision we both made when we made our marriage vows. It's a decision that holds weight for us.

 

Maybe it's different for single vs. married people.  In my case, the other person could easily wonder whether I was available / interested, without assuming or desiring anything "bad."

 

As a PP mentioned, I've had people misunderstand my friendly behaviors to imply I was "interested" more than in a friendly way.

 

This makes me think about the stereotypical "old maid" who appears so cold and rigid.  Maybe single women feel the need to be more guarded lest anyone take friendliness as an "invitation."  I know I've made some changes on that basis.  Like, I used to wink when I was joking around, to make sure others knew I was being facetious.  When I realized a couple people mistook that for flirting, I made a point to stop doing it except with very close people.  Enough of those self-imposed restrictions probably prevent potential friendships from forming.  Oh well.

 

[Catwoman]

This is the most depressing thing I've read on here in a while.

 

Women are predatory? Um... no. Honestly, it sounds like the problem is that you hang out with some awful people.

 

And for the record, if my dh had refused to marry me unless I ended all my friendships, we would not have gotten married. I'm a reasonably attractive person. Not drop-dead gorgeous or anything, but I have my share of people flirt with me (well, when I'm not visibly pregnant, anyway). Dh has never had to resort to alligators, moats, or snipers to keep me from cheating on him. That sounds miserable for everyone involved.

 

I beg to differ on the bolded. You have always looked pretty darned gorgeous in your avatar photos, so don't sell yourself short!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Maybe it's different for single vs. married people. In my case, the other person could easily wonder whether I was available / interested, without assuming or desiring anything "bad."

 

As a PP mentioned, I've had people misunderstand my friendly behaviors to imply I was "interested" more than in a friendly way.

 

This makes me think about the stereotypical "old maid" who appears so cold and rigid. Maybe single women feel the need to be more guarded lest anyone take friendliness as an "invitation." I know I've made some changes on that basis. Like, I used to wink when I was joking around, to make sure others knew I was being facetious. When I realized a couple people mistook that for flirting, I made a point to stop doing it except with very close people. Enough of those self-imposed restrictions probably prevent potential friendships from forming. Oh well.

 

I wasn't available as a single person either. For one thing , I didn't want to date or marry outside of my faith. And I didn't date clients. And I didn't date coworkers.

 

I didn't have a single time in 10 years of working before marriage when someone misunderstood signals. In fact, I had male engineers tell me that they liked working with me because they knew that I wouldn't hit on them. Because yes, some women and men did hit on each other. But these engineers were not interested. They were not forced to get into relationships that they didn't want, but they found it nicer to not have to say no. And I wasn't giving out signals overt or otherwise.

 

I did have trouble (along with all the women in the company) with two lecherous guys. But that was sexual harassment pure and simple. It had nothing to do with signals. And we most definitely were not friends. And I made it stop.

 

Oh and I did have one male coworker, later after I was married, who I thought was going to be a friend, who seemed to think that there were signals that were not there. I disabused him of that idea. I was nice but firm. And no, we never actually became friends. Having him misunderstand things wasn't terribly traumatic. I just communicated that I was not available. And that was it. He chose to not be friends afterwards.

Edited April 2, 2017 by Jean in Newcastle

[SKL]

I'm glad it didn't doesn't happen to some people, but some of us have expressed that it has happened / does happen to us.  Both can be true.

[LucyStoner]

I can't be friends with people who think men and women can't be friends.  That's my personal line in the sand.   :lol: I'm also not wild about those individuals who insist that spouses should be "best friends."  Or women who insist that other women are all predatory or suspect.  Or men who think that they can flirt with anything that moves and call it "a compliment."  I'm a persnickety person when it comes to finding good friends.  All of my friends are people who don't sexualize me or read the possibility for sexual issues into all of their human interactions.  

 

I guess I agree with Jean.  I'm an old fashioned girl on this: my husband is my only potential sexual partner.  There is zero chance of me falling into some inappropriate sexual dalliance.  So I can be "just friends" with anyone, so long as they are not my husband and more or less meet the provisos in my first paragraph.  

 

[LucyStoner]

I have male friends that I have been attracted to in the past. So what though. One of my closest friends admitted that she was attracted to my dh. Guess what.. he remained friends with her and they even hung out alone at our house while I was out of state. Just because she was attracted to him didn't mean she was going to suddenly try to hook up with him or even flirt with him. Sometimes you can't help who you are attracted to. But that doesn't mean you'll act on it. It also doesn't mean that you aren't friends simply because you find a person attractive. Under different circumstances they may have been more than friends but the reality is that dh is in a committed relationship with me so they will always just be friends.

 

We have a close homosexual friend who finds dh quite attractive. Not once has it ever occurred to either of us that somehow because he is attracted to dh they can't or aren't actually friends.

 

Yeah, one of my best friends was a more than slightly disappointed when she met my now husband and realized we were dating and that ship had sailed.  I didn't drop her as a friend.  Realizing that he and I were involved moved him firmly to her "that's not going to happen" column.  

[Mergath]

I beg to differ on the bolded. You have always looked pretty darned gorgeous in your avatar photos, so don't sell yourself short!

 

Aww, thank you!  :blushing:  :001_wub: 

[mamaraby]

And for the record, if my dh had refused to marry me unless I ended all my friendships, we would not have gotten married. I'm a reasonably attractive person. Not drop-dead gorgeous or anything, but I have my share of people flirt with me (well, when I'm not visibly pregnant, anyway). Dh has never had to resort to alligators, moats, or snipers to keep me from cheating on him. That sounds miserable for everyone involved.

 

Same.

 

My dh has always had lots of female friends. He did when we were dating/engaged, and he does now. He also hugs other women *gasp, faint*. You know, like you do with your friends. He regularly has drunk people trying to pick him up (hazard of the job). He tells me about the drunk people not because he has to in order to avoid the appearance of simething untoward, but because we find it amusing. Even with all that, I have never needed moats or alligators or snipers for him to be faithful to our relationship. Nor have I asked him to stop being friends with his female friends or required he have a chaperone.

 

He's an adult, I'm an adult, and we both have adult level social skills. We're married to each other so this is our only romantic relationship. The rest are friends. Managing that line between the two is a non-issue.

[Janeway]

I put other. I wanted to put disagree. But my husband definitely agrees. And ever since we had this discussion a few years ago, I found it to be just this. Even though I am not where near hot or sexy, I have found that any time I thought I had a relationship with a man, if it was a relationship that did not involve anyone else, like, it was not just my husband's friend that I was nice to, the relationship always turned to the guy crossing the line. So, I guess in theory and in my happy ideal world, heterosexual people of opposite gender can be just friends. But as it stands, the only male friends I have where it is not couples friends and has not crossed the line, the guy has been gay.

[heartlikealion]

This is the most depressing thing I've read on here in a while.

 

Women are predatory? Um... no. Honestly, it sounds like the problem is that you hang out with some awful people.

 

And for the record, if my dh had refused to marry me unless I ended all my friendships, we would not have gotten married. I'm a reasonably attractive person. Not drop-dead gorgeous or anything, but I have my share of people flirt with me (well, when I'm not visibly pregnant, anyway). Dh has never had to resort to alligators, moats, or snipers to keep me from cheating on him. That sounds miserable for everyone involved.

 

 

While I agree that individuals vary and it's a person by person thing, I do understand that sometimes this predatory personality comes out of left field, not necessarily people that you are well associated with. You don't have to hang out with them to encounter this behavior. Dh has told me some weird things that women have said to him (like encouraging him to get on a site like that Ashley Mad*son site. UGH!!)

[Lizzie in Ma]

My best friend is a guy, we went to college together, lived together, he introduced me to my husband.  With one exception all my college roommates were guys. They were just easier to live with and I loved them.  One of them ended up marrying my sister in law.    I have a few male friends I am very close with as well.  I have never wanted to hook up with them and they have never given any indication they wanted to hook up with me. 

 

[SporkUK]

Yes, though whether certain individuals can be friends with people they could be attracted to is still in question for me. I've met a few who put their attraction and such feelings before basic decency. 

 

I live with my spouse and our housemate who is a guy. In the almost 6 years housemate has lived us, including many nights alone as my spouse works nights, the most physical contact he and I have had was an awkward arm pat I gave him when he found out his childhood cat had died. He has never made anything close to a pass at me and the three of us have all openly discussed our sexualities and sexual history and such without issue. 

 

My spouse and I are both bisexual and have friends across all genders, some who have admitted to finding one or both of us attractive, but it' has yet to cause us any problem. I have far more issues being alone with strangers, particularly those who feel they have power over me. I hate going to medical or similar appointments alone because of previous abuse which also causes me to struggle to be assertive in those situations when by myself which I don't usually have in social situations. In fact, I've been repeatedly told that while my spouse is intimidating until people get to know him because of his size, I'm the opposite... though those were the same people who can hear my spouse give his opinion fine,  but my saying the same thing comes across as "aggressive". 

[Guest]

I don't care.

 

There are some men and gay women I can't be friends with...Slash there are some women slash gay men my dh "can't" be friends with.

 

Because: partners.

 

There are many many more that we can.

 

Relationships are complicated. And I'm kept on my toes with my own. So while it might be vaguely insulting if a woman overtly goes out if her way to see to it that I won't be friends with her husband, I don't care. It's their business and I have zero context.

Edited April 2, 2017 by OKBud

[Word Nerd]

Yes, men and women can be friends. That doesn't mean a close male/female friendship is always wise. It depends on the individuals and personalities involved. I'm happily married, but it would still be pretty naive (or prideful?) for me to think my commitment to my DH automatically eradicates the possibility of developing an unhealthy emotional attachment to another man.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I guess I don't see it as the end of the world if I have to tell someone no because they are crossing a line that I don't want to cross.  Or if my husband has to do so.  It may mean that the friendship is ended.  Oh well.  I mean, I want to be friends with people who share my values, right?  Including ones who want to support me in my relationship with my husband.  Anyone who doesn't want to do that, whether male or female, isn't someone who I want to be friends with. 

[MysteryJen]

I have always had guys as my closest friends, until they got engaged and then married. And then...radio silence. I have to assume that their wives had a pretty strong hand in that as none of them parted in anger or weirdness. So while, I think (and dh thinks as well) that men and women can be friends, I have experienced quite a few women who think the opposite.

 

So my vote is that it can happen, it is great when it does, but it does require a partner who is secure in themselves and their relationship.