Is this my fault?

[bookbard]

I invited 3 little friends of my daughter for a play-date today. All 3 I see regularly at playgroup, all 3 are customers of my partner so they know where we live etc. 2 of them are on facebook with us.

 

None of them have shown up. 

 

 

I verbally asked them if they wanted to come, gave the time and day. All 3 said yes great. 

 

 

Should I have followed up again (it was just last week)? It wasn't a formal invite, just a 'do you guys want to come over' - yes!

 

Surely if they didn't/couldn't have come they should have let me know?

 

 

I feel quite upset. 

[FriedClams]

No. They're rude. There may be extenuating circumstances, but they could call or text. I'm sorry.

[bookbard]

I've made a picnic for her so she's happy enough. I just told her they were sick.

 

Rang up one, she said 'oh, didn't realise it was today'. Oh well. Can't be bothered following up with the other two. 

[Cinder]

Did you confirm the play date a day or two ago? I've found that even though everyone agrees on a date/time it still works best for the organizer to confirm/remind the group. Even if it was decided just a week ago. Sorry things didn't work out this time.  :grouphug:

[Jan in SC]

I'm sorry for your sweet dd. I certainly don't think it was your fault. I would have followed up yesterday with a quick email/Facebook message, but I just like to do that.

[bookbard]

Yes, I think I'll be texting the day before from now on.

 

 

I think I feel extra sensitive as my partner intimated that the reason people wouldn't want to come over is because of me - I'm not cool enough or something. Well - I'm me, and in my mid-forties, I don't think I'm going to get any cooler.

[displace]

For me, if I don't put a reminder in right away, I forget (and it would be my fault). I usually text if I'm unable to come. Do they have your phone number or just Facebook?

 

Sorry they didn't show.

[regentrude]

It's not you. People are flakes. It's kind of pathetic when adults don't have it together and can't remember something that was planned and agreed upon a week ago without being sent a reminder - but for many, that's what it is. Heck, there are adults who cannot remember a work related meeting at 2pm for which they received an email reminder that very morning.

It's not you.

Edited December 22, 2016 by regentrude

[Outdoorsy Type]

I would chalk it up to forgetfulness or misunderstanding. I can't rely on verbal plans at all. I text constantly and ask to be reminded or I will be a bad friend and forget.

[Janeway]

If you were not specific, or did not follow up, as in..if you were too casual in how you asked, they probably did not know they were supposed to still come. So, if you said "we should get together Wednesday at my house" and they said "yeah, that would be great, fun" then it does not really sound committal. But if you said all that but then the conversation went on to say "at 2pm? we will have a picnic" and they all say "yes, 2pm works for us" and pull out their phones and input it and such, then yeah, that is committed. 

[Guest]

Definitely text or email the night before. I'm pretty fastidious on my family schedule but even I've forgotten a play date or two and the reminder is super helpful. I'm sorry you got let down this time, that's so stinky :(

[SproutMamaK]

Yes, I think I'll be texting the day before from now on.

 

 

I think I feel extra sensitive as my partner intimated that the reason people wouldn't want to come over is because of me - I'm not cool enough or something. Well - I'm me, and in my mid-forties, I don't think I'm going to get any cooler.

 

If people need the parents to be "cool" in order for the kids to hang out together, I think at least half this board would have serious problems. ;) This isn't middle school, no one should care how cool or uncool you are (partners included). And if they do, they are welcome to learn some valuable lessons that everyone else learned back in the 6th grade, namely that in the long run, how cool someone is matters a whole lot less than... well, pretty much everything else about the person.

 

This is a super busy and stressful time of year for a lot of people. To be honest, I'm perpetually feeling like I've forgotten something (because I have... 5 minutes I remembered I still haven't bought our annual Christmas PJs for the kids), and without reminders things just fall between the cracks. You shouldn't HAVE to send out reminders to people over stuff like this, but it can't hurt. If they're generally positive people who don't seem like they'd intentionally be hurtful, try to give them the benefit of the doubt this time.

 

As for being extra-sensitive, I'd say that's justified. Someone you care about telling you "well no one wants to be around you" isn't exactly the sort of love and support you need. :/ Can I ask (hopefully not getting into SO-bashing here) if there sorts of comments/statements are common from your SO?

[bettyandbob]

Yes, I think I'll be texting the day before from now on.

 

 

I think I feel extra sensitive as my partner intimated that the reason people wouldn't want to come over is because of me - I'm not cool enough or something. Well - I'm me, and in my mid-forties, I don't think I'm going to get any cooler.

What the heck?

 

I m not cool and I know it, but my dh would not say that. Bleah

 

If you ask me casually the week before, I might not know it's a for sure event. Unless I've pulled out my phone and out times on the calendar I am very unlikely to remember. So, knowing there are people like me, I send a follow up text or email after talking to the person. Something like "glad to run into you yesterday. Josie is excited her friend will be coming over. See you Wednesday, December 21 at 11am. " Then I could also send an email or text the day before, if I want.

[Ausmumof3]

Yes, I think I'll be texting the day before from now on.

 

 

I think I feel extra sensitive as my partner intimated that the reason people wouldn't want to come over is because of me - I'm not cool enough or something. Well - I'm me, and in my mid-forties, I don't think I'm going to get any cooler.

Whaaaat?! Is this normal for your partner to say stuff like this to you?! Cool doesn't count when it comes to friendships...

[Janeway]

Whaaaat?! Is this normal for your partner to say stuff like this to you?! Cool doesn't count when it comes to friendships...

Yeah, your partner shouldn't have said that. 

[OneStepAtATime]

I invited 3 little friends of my daughter for a play-date today. All 3 I see regularly at playgroup, all 3 are customers of my partner so they know where we live etc. 2 of them are on facebook with us.

 

None of them have shown up. 

 

 

I verbally asked them if they wanted to come, gave the time and day. All 3 said yes great. 

 

 

Should I have followed up again (it was just last week)? It wasn't a formal invite, just a 'do you guys want to come over' - yes!

 

Surely if they didn't/couldn't have come they should have let me know?

 

 

I feel quite upset. 

:grouphug:

 

This is not your fault!  And I seriously doubt it has anything to do with you not being cool enough.  Seriously.  Don't even go there.  Your partner is being a goof ball.  People lead busy lives and frequently do not write things down or clearly remember some casual verbal invitation days or weeks ago.  They were probably very sincere in the moment.   They just didn't internalize the invitation enough to remember the details a week later.

 

It is a fact, at least for me, that if I make any sort of casual gathering arrangements (especially verbally), whether for my kids or for me, I have to follow up with additional contact, either through phone calls or email or texting or all three to ensure that at least there is a prayer's chance of people coming (unless it is something we do on a regular basis and people have gotten in the habit of coming).  Depending on how far out, if it is more than a week, I send a reminder at the mid point and a couple of days before.  And with certain individuals I also send a reminder the morning of...including directions even if they have been to my house before.  Why?  Because people forget.  All.the.time.  

 

Pretend you are dealing with Dory the fish.  Tell yourself to just keep swimming (don't stress out) and tell them at least one more time when the date is.  :)

 

Good luck for next time.  Again, please don't take this as a rejection of you or a lack of interest on their part.  Just accept it as an unfortunate reality of the world we currently live in.

[Rebel Yell]

Yes, I think I'll be texting the day before from now on.

 

 

I think I feel extra sensitive as my partner intimated that the reason people wouldn't want to come over is because of me - I'm not cool enough or something. Well - I'm me, and in my mid-forties, I don't think I'm going to get any cooler.

Whiskey

Tango

Foxtrot

 

Really? I'm trying to decide who is the bigger buttonhole here: the people who flaked on plans or the person who told you that you weren't cool enough to be considered for a flipping play date.

 

IF it is true, then you are lucky that these people will not be a part of your and your child's social circle. Also, I'm really really hoping that what your partner meant was something along the lines of "Oh those women only hang out with other country clubbers, vegans, TØP fans, Sorority sisters, yoga gurus, or whatevers" but it just came out wrong and sounded like an insult to you rather than them.

 

And I always confirm plans a day or two before. Even with wonderful people that I like very much. Cool or nerdy, doesn't matter... scheduling things is rough! ;)

[Bluegoat]

Depending on how casual the invitation was, they may have been unsure how firm it was.  I've recieved invitations that I expected to be followed up and then been unsure of whether I should show up or not.

 

But it may have also just been forgetfulness.

[Arcadia]

Rang up one, she said 'oh, didn't realise it was today'. Oh well. Can't be bothered following up with the other two.

I would forget if I did not write down a verbal invite. It is the time of the year where people are hosts and guests to many events. For example my kids friends are on winter break so their parents are asking about play dates. Last week was school year end potluck party just before school go on winter break. My hubby just had confirmation on when the company he work for is on shutdown for Christmas so he and his colleagues get to stay home on this Friday and this coming Monday. So my electronic calendar has the confirmed events listed and my head is all cluttered with pending events.

 

If I forget, it would have nothing to do with you being uncool. It just mean I forgot to write it down in my calendar. I had told friends to wait while I get pen and paper to write it down if they call me about a play date or party.

[bookbard]

They're actually nice enough, but yeah, it's a busy time of year. I've had kids over before, so the total no-show was unexpected. Next time I'll text the day before. They're all ten years younger, so maybe it's a generation gap thing too - more expectations of text/message as reminders. 

 

 

As for my partner, well yes, he can be pretty awful sometimes. Our relationship is a work in progress. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Just for clarification: did you talk to your child's friends directly or their parents?

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[bookbard]

Oh, the parents. One I spoke to twice about it, on two different occasions. But yeah - I get it's a busy time of year. 

[PrincessMommy]

They're actually nice enough, but yeah, it's a busy time of year. I've had kids over before, so the total no-show was unexpected. Next time I'll text the day before. They're all ten years younger, so maybe it's a generation gap thing too - more expectations of text/message as reminders. 

 

 

As for my partner, well yes, he can be pretty awful sometimes. Our relationship is a work in progress. 

 

hugs

[Seasider]

People seem generally reluctant to commit to anything too far in advance these days, so touching base a day or two ago would have helped (not helped them be less flaky, but maybe helped prevent disappointment).

 

Keep in mind, though, that it is a crazy time of year. Maybe they had holiday prep errands that couldn't be put off? Not making excuses for their rude no-show, just saying some things fall through the cracks in the rush of the season.

[Valley Girl]

Yes, I think I'll be texting the day before from now on.

 

 

I think I feel extra sensitive as my partner intimated that the reason people wouldn't want to come over is because of me - I'm not cool enough or something. Well - I'm me, and in my mid-forties, I don't think I'm going to get any cooler.

 

Hmm...sounds to me like it's your partner who's lacking in "cool." What an unkind thing to say!

 

It's not your fault the friends didn't show. Many people have suggested confirming things with invitees beforehand. That's likely a good suggestion. That said, it does bother me. I get that people are busy. I am, too. So the notion I'm supposed to hold other adults' hands and give them reminders about THEIR commitments is irritating. Guess that's why I rarely plan stuff like that. (That and the whole failure-to-rsvp issue.) But I digress.

 

Glad your dd enjoyed her picnic.

[BooksandBoys]

Yes, I think I'll be texting the day before from now on.

 

 

I think I feel extra sensitive as my partner intimated that the reason people wouldn't want to come over is because of me - I'm not cool enough or something. Well - I'm me, and in my mid-forties, I don't think I'm going to get any cooler.

I'm sorry your partner suggested that. People are flaky and often rude enough to not even bother to cancel. We are in a period in our lives when I'm missing lots of scheduled events because at least one of the kids is sick nearly every day, but I always text or call ahead of time to excuse ourselves and apologize. I would never want to be so rude as to just not show up.

[zyxwvut]

One time I met a new mom on a local homeschool message board.  We agreed to meet up at a park to let our kids meet and play.  She texted me that morning, and asked where I was.  I was on my couch in my pajamas.  My dh, who never has time off, had unexpectedly had Monday off.  We had also been doing a lot of traveling, and I was just thrown out of our routine.  And, I was pregnant, and had 4 kids under 6.  It felt like a Thursday to me, and I was so confused why she had gotten the date wrong.  Suddenly it hit me!  It really was Friday!  I was off that couch and had everyone dressed and on the way so fast!  It still made me more than an hour late, and her poor little kids were tired.  The mom and I saw each other at a few things, but I don't think she ever really forgave me.  I felt so bad!  The crazy thing is, I'm usually the one totally on top of everything.  I'm the one sending the reminder texts, and packing extra juice boxes, or whatever.  Sometimes, people really do just make an honest mistake.

 

I'm sorry you had a rotten day, though.  And, I hope everyone is nicer than they have been today. 

[Incognito]

People are the worst about this sort of thing nowdays.  I don't understand why, but it is somehow the way a lot of people seem to function.  I try to find the people who actually honour their commitments and schedule things with them.

[gardenmom5]

how old are these little friends?  did you confirm with their parents?

[SKL]

Sounds like people forgot, which is their fault if you were clear about when and where.  The only other possibility I can think of is that the communication was fuzzy, i.e., it didn't feel like a final agreement to them.

 

Next time I would send a text / email (whatever they check) a day before:  "Looking forward to seeing you guys at my house tomorrow at _:00.  My daughter is excited!"

[Bluegoat]

I forgot a birthday party my girls were supposed to be at recently.  I felt odd that we didn't seem to be busy that day, and it wasn't until the next day when we saw them that I remembered.  I was totally mortified.

[SKL]

I could see myself forgetting an oral social commitment like that.  Unless I have it in writing, it could get pushed out of my brain by something else before it made it onto my calendar.  And if I'm in a social situation, chances are I'm not writing it down, because I don't have a pen/paper or computer with me.

 

I guess if there's a lesson in this, it's to make sure people note the date more than just mentally.

 

Today my kids' horse teacher asked me something for the xth time.  I keep forgetting.  I said that if I had my phone on me, I'd set the request in motion immediately, but since I didn't, I might forget again.  The teacher sent me a text.  So now I have it in writing and won't forget.  (I might delay, but I won't forget.)

[mamaraby]

People come over to my house and I am not cool, more like a middle aged potato.

 

My mental picture of you just changed. What kind of potato are we talking about here? I'm thinking I'm more of a middle aged russet, but do they have russets on that side of the world?

 

Coolness sadly seems to have a lot to do with the homeschool crowd irl here. We're definitely not cool enough for the homeschoolers here.

 

Sorry OP - flaky people stink.

[MercyA]

My mental picture of you just changed. What kind of potato are we talking about here? I'm thinking I'm more of a middle aged russet, but do they have russets on that side of the world?

 

LOL, me too. Sadie, I have always pictured you as cool.  :coolgleamA:

[MercyA]

OP, I've found that I get the best turnouts when people are reminded at least once or twice shortly before a social event. Honestly, the need for reminders seems to be a generational thing. Don't take it personally, if you can help it. I'm glad your daughter was okay with her picnic.  :grouphug:

Edited February 15, 2017 by MercyA

[Plink]

My heart is breaking for you.  Flaky playdate moms are rude, but verbally aggressive partners are soul crushing.  You've had a horrible day.  Wishing you a lovely bubble-bath, a cup of tea, and a better day tomorrow.  Take care of yourself Bookbard. 

Edited December 23, 2016 by Plink

[freesia]

My heart is breaking for you. Flaky playdate moms are rude, but verbally aggressive partners are soul crushing. You've had a horrible day. Wishing you a lovely bubble-bath, a cup of tea, and a better day tomorrow. Take care of yourself Bookbard.

Me, too.

Try not to take it personally about the play date. It could be the time of year. I flaked on my son's robotics meeting and a chiropractor appt this week and, while I am usually feeling barely on top of things, j actually rarely forget things like that. The week before Christmas is disorienting bc the schedule is different.

 

And, gently, I hope you and your partner can consider outside help for your relationships. You deserve to feel cherished.