8yo ds peeing himself- dh wants to punish him

[phathui5]

Ds1 just turned eight and he has been peeing himself a lot lately. It seems like every other day, he's wet himself.

 

Dh has gotten tired of it and is making him write sentences every time he does it. I'm not comfortable with that as a solution, but neither of us know what to do.

 

The issue for me is that when ds has an accident, he doesn't change his clothes, he stays in it until we notice that he's wet or smells. He told me yesterday that he's hiding it so that he doesn't get in trouble, so I told him that he wouldn't be in trouble as long as he changes his clothes and doesn't stay in it, that he would only get in trouble if he wore the wet stuff or lied about it.

 

Dh is mad at me and says that I'm undermining him and that ds has to write 200 sentences anyway that he "owes him" from an accident the other day. What would you do?

[Melinda in VT]

Has he always had accidents, or is this a new thing?

 

Either way, I'd want to have his doctor take a look before I started disciplining him for it.

[elizam]

I'd ask the dr. That doesn't sound like a behavioral issue to me. Dh needs to lay off!

[swellmomma]

I don't think punishing for wetting is the answer. I do think punishing for hiding it is worth it though. First off rule out medical issues, like bladder infection that can cause wetting. Then when he wets he is in charge of changing and washing the wet clothes. No lectures, lines etc. IF however he hides the fact he wet and doesn't change have a punishment since to me that is lieing by omission. IN this case, I would say something that since he likes to be in pee he can clean the toilet, something I use as punishment around here when ds pees in inappropriate places. By the 1st or 2nd time I am sure he will be changing if he has an accident. But please first rule out any medical conditions that could be at play. Punishing him for something he can't control is going to do more harm than good.

[CactusPair]

Take your son to the doctor. He may have something medical going on. I would also take him to see a counsellor. No one pees on himself on purpose or out of laziness.

 

I humbly suggest that you and your dh see a family therapist, too.

 

Please don't let this child be traumatized. *Insist* that your dh stop the "punishments". As his mother, you have an obligation to advocate for and to protect this child from such treatment. And *please* don't allow punishment for "hiding" the accidents. Just imagine this child's fear, embarassment, shame and sense of failure for having another accident. As a child, I had a few accidents and told no one. The shame and horror was unbearable. And then there's the need to keep bathroom things private. I cannot imagine telling any one. And yes, I was that old.

 

If you have concerns about your dh's reaction, you may need to seek outside help.

Edited October 11, 2008 by CactusPair

[tibbyl]

Punishing him for attempting to hide it is a hugely bad idea and can result in longlasting emotional scars. He is hiding it exactly because he fears reprisal and your disappointment in him.

 

I agree with other posters that a doctor visit is in order to rule out organic causes.

 

If this is a recent development, is there someone or something in his life that he fears so much that it could cause him to lose bladder control?

 

You have to step up and be the big mama bear here, even if means driving wedge (temporarily hopefully) between yourself and your husband.

 

Please seek counseling even if the wetting is not organic in nature.

 

This post brings tears to my eyes for you son.

Edited October 11, 2008 by tibbyl

[Amy in Orlando]

I'll second what the others have said. A couple of years ago (at around 8) my nephew began the same thing. My sister punished him repeatedly for it. Finally, she took him to a urologist and it was an actual medical issue. She still feels terrible about not going to the doctor first.

[bkpan]

Punishing him for attempting to hide it is a hugely bad idea and can result in longlasting emotional scars. He is hiding it exactly because he fears reprisal and your disappointment in him.

 

I agree with other posters that a doctor visit is in order to rule out organic causes.

 

If this is a recent development, is there someone or something in his life that he fears so much that it could cause him to lose bladder control?

 

You have to step up and be the big mama bear here, even if means driving wedge (temporarily hopefully) between yourself and your husband.

 

Please seek counseling even if the wetting is not organic in nature.

 

This post brings tears to my eyes for you son.

 

I totally agree. It makes my heart so sad for your ds.

 

Kim

[Alenee]

There are a lot of things I'm willing to be quiet about with dh however this would NOT be one of them. Take him to the Dr. and step up to plate and go to bat for your son with your dh.

[Guest janainaz]

One of my little sister-in-laws (she's is just turning 8 - she was adopted when she was a baby) does this. She is very sweet, but we have taken all the kids to the park and she does not say anything when she has to go, she just pees! The first time it happened I thought it was just an accident and I gave her my sweatshirt to cover her up until we got home, but the second, third and fourth time she did it, I did not understand. I even told her that if she had to go, I would take her, but she needed to say something.

 

She lost her mom a few years ago and my dh's father takes care of all the kids. They have a wonderful family and one of the older adopted kids looks after her, is very nurturing - like a mother. But, I do think it is something emotional. There is something that has not quite grown up in her, or somethng missing in the way she takes care of herself. She doesn't care walking around in wet jeans. She does not care if other kids see her behind all wet and that is not normal.

 

Not sure what your situation is, but I believe, love is a cure-all (unless it's medical). Maybe one-on-one time with you or your dh and your son. Singled- out, special time and consistently and in a positive way. Heart felt, loving conversations and an approach to the subject when his ears and heart are open where he can hear your concern coming from love and not shame. I don't really think therapy and counselors can do a better job than the heart of a parent. I definitely would not go the punishment/discipline route. To me, that is humiliating and would seem to make the lack of care even worse.

[Nicole M]

Just adding a ditto to everything everyone else has said. If this is new and his diet has changed recently (lots of cheese, for instance) he could just be constipated, for goodness sakes. But definitely take him to the doctor, because it sounds like you husband will need to hear a reasonable solution from a professional.

[Zelda]

I knew two kids who had this issue when we were kids. Everything totally fine and then all of suddenly they started wetting themselves. Both turned out to have a medical issue. Both are also happy, healthy adults today so it wasn't something devastating but it did need to be addressed by a doctor.

[beansprouts]

:iagree: With everything that was said.

 

Your ds needs to learn to take charge of his own hygiene habits. As long as your dh keeps trying to force the issue, he makes it about himself. Your son will learn that he needs to perform to keep his Daddy happy. This undermines your son's autonomy over this issue (which is the goal, am I right?) I think a Dr. visit might be helpful. Other than your son needs to be left alone to take responsibility for himself. I think gently and discreetly encouraging him to change and clean himself up is reasonable. Other than that I would NOT make it a big deal. If he hasn't already he will eventually figure out that it is far more pleasant to simply use the toilet.

[Tammyla]

I'd take him to the doctor. This can be a sign of so many things infection, abuse, stress and should be checked. If he has always done this and has been diagnosed, I'd consider the larger kid pull-up. And no matter what the reason, I wouldn't want to embarrass him.

[EKS]

My son did this and we finally discovered that it was because he wasn't drinking enough. Apparently, super concentrated urine can make the bladder contract and cause wetting in an otherwise potty trained child. My son had issues with this until he was 11.

 

Before I dealt with it as a behavior issue, I would see if there was a medical cause first as most 8 yo children do not want to be wetting their pants.

[phathui5]

*Phathui5's husband*

 

For the record, I have only punished my son three times for this. So I haven't been doing something that has no affect. The last time made son wrote sentences my wife kindly broke up it over the course of several days for him.

 

And my son doesn't pee himself in bed or when he is doing schoolwork. He does it, more often than not, when playing on the computer or while playing video games. In essence, if he is too pre-occupied with something that requires his undivided attention in front of a screen he seems to let the whole bathroom thing slip his mind. (for the record, the kids get very little screen time.)

 

I believe this is a product of being homschooled and having the ability to get away with it, as my wife has typically just told him to change his clothes and get on with his day. In affect, I believe that the lack of discipline for years has had a negative affect on this behavior.

[Renee in NC]

*Phathui5's husband*

 

For the record, I have only punished my son three times for this. So I haven't been doing something that has no affect. The last time made son wrote sentences my wife kindly broke up it over the course of several days for him.

 

And my son doesn't pee himself in bed or when he is doing schoolwork. He does it, more often than not, when playing on the computer or while playing video games. In essence, if he is too pre-occupied with something that requires his undivided attention in front of a screen he seems to let the whole bathroom thing slip his mind. (for the record, the kids get very little screen time.)

 

I believe this is a product of being homschooled and having the ability to get away with it, as my wife has typically just told him to change his clothes and get on with his day. In affect, I believe that the lack of discipline for years has had a negative affect on this behavior.

 

You are confusing discipline with punishment, but that is neither here nor there.

 

My question is what does wetting his pants have to do with writing sentences? If I thought that his preoccupation with screen time was causing him to wet himself, I would take out the screen time. Writing sentences seems a little odd to me.

[Erica in PA]

*Phathui5's husband*

 

For the record, I have only punished my son three times for this. So I haven't been doing something that has no affect. The last time made son wrote sentences my wife kindly broke up it over the course of several days for him.

 

And my son doesn't pee himself in bed or when he is doing schoolwork. He does it, more often than not, when playing on the computer or while playing video games. In essence, if he is too pre-occupied with something that requires his undivided attention in front of a screen he seems to let the whole bathroom thing slip his mind. (for the record, the kids get very little screen time.)

 

I believe this is a product of being homschooled and having the ability to get away with it, as my wife has typically just told him to change his clothes and get on with his day. In affect, I believe that the lack of discipline for years has had a negative affect on this behavior.

 

I believe there could be some real truth to what you're saying. I can see where in a homeschooling environment, parents might allow things to be no big deal, whereas that same thing would be a very big deal if they were to happen in school. I specifically remember several classmates wetting themselves in first grade, and it was definitely *A Big Deal.* It was very hard to live down a wetting incident.

 

While it's a nice benefit of homeschooling that our kids don't have to undergo some of the cruelty that can take place in school, I agree with you that we parents also have to be sure to address this sort of thing ourselves, since peers won't be influencing it.

 

If you know that there is nothing wrong with your son physically, and that he is capable of going to the bathroom and just isn't paying attention during screen time, I would agree with some kind of consequences. I wonder if there is a more natural consequence than writing sentences? Since the problem seems to be linked to screen time, what if you were to restrict him from screen time when he wets himself. Something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, sweetie, but if playing this video game leads you to wet yourself, I'm afraid we'll have to wait until you're mature enough to take a break from playing to use the bathroom. Maybe we can try again in a few days." Maybe when he sees that there is a negative in not stopping to use the bathroom, he'll be more attentive to that in the future?

 

I would be very frustrated if my 8 year old wet himself continually. I don't think it's normal. I agree with the others that it would also be good to see a doctor if you haven't already, to rule out any physical problem.

[Ria]

*Phathui5's husband*

 

For the record, I have only punished my son three times for this. So I haven't been doing something that has no affect. The last time made son wrote sentences my wife kindly broke up it over the course of several days for him.

 

And my son doesn't pee himself in bed or when he is doing schoolwork. He does it, more often than not, when playing on the computer or while playing video games. In essence, if he is too pre-occupied with something that requires his undivided attention in front of a screen he seems to let the whole bathroom thing slip his mind. (for the record, the kids get very little screen time.)

 

I believe this is a product of being homschooled and having the ability to get away with it, as my wife has typically just told him to change his clothes and get on with his day. In affect, I believe that the lack of discipline for years has had a negative affect on this behavior.

 

 

You say he gets "very little screen time," but honestly, no kid is going to wet himself with just 25 minutes in front of a computer or Gameboy. If it's a screen time issue, have him use the bathroom before he plays, and set the timer for 30 minutes. When it beeps, he's done for the day. If he wets during that time, having already used the bathroom less than 30 minutes from the time he wet, you need to see a doctor asap.

 

There's nothing wrong with telling a child that you'll be setting the timer once an hour during the day and reminding him to use the bathroom. Seems to me that makes a heck of a lot more sense that writing sentences.

 

Ria

[Another Lynn]

This may or may not be helpful at all :)

 

One of my ds was a long time having good bladder control. I forget how old he was when we saw a pediatric urologist. To help with day control he was to wear a wrist watch that beeped on the hour. Every hour he was to drink a lot of water and pee. We did this for awhile and later got out of the habit, but by then he was successful with day. Night has taken a bit longer, ;).

 

All this to say if the problem is solely related to screen time than I think Ria's suggestion makes sense.

[MommyX8]

My 8yod sees a urologist for bedwetting. We did have a spell of accidents. His suggestion (after ultrasound and labwork) was to make sure that she sat down for at least 3 minutes to urinate. Urination is a relaxation mechanism. She just wasn't relaxing enough to fully empty her bladder. Also, I found that caffeine triggers her overactive bladder as well. She loves Vanilla Cream tea, but if she drinks a cup, she will be running in to pee every 20 minutes.

[TraceyS/FL]

A friend will tell you that the writing of sentences should be in a positive form.

 

"I will change my clothes when i have an accident." (ok, could be better - i make HER dream them up for me! LOL!!)

 

not

 

"I will not hide my accidents from my parents."

 

This on the advice the psychologist that her and her DH saw dealing with some issue on her step-son. ALWAYS make the sentence positive to reinforce that behavior. Why reinforce the negative?

 

I would still strongly suggest a visit to the doctor too to rule out anything. One i have seeing mentioned is diabetes.

[dirty ethel rackham]

As a child who had multiple accidents, I implore you, beg you, plead with you not to deal with this in a punitive manner. It is not effective in dealing with this behavior, but it does have a devastating effect on the child's self esteem. The child does know he should not do it and would not do so on purpose. Shaming only eats away at the child and will lead to more hiding behaviors. I know you only want what's best for the child and I encourage you to seek out truly effective ways to deal with it.

 

Please look into physical causes first (infection, allergies, neurological issues, muscle problems, attentiveness issues). When all of those are exhausted, non-punitive behavioral modification techniques can help the situation. Homeschooling is not the cause (I wasn't homeschooled.) In my case, it was weak muscles (and was triggered by certain conditions.)

[Spy Car]

I think you are getting really valuable advice here Phathui5's husband, and I hope you give this advice due consideration, and consider re-thinking your approach with your son.

 

Bill

[Frankie]

Please, please, please take your son to a doctor.

 

 

*Phathui5's husband*

 

For the record, I have only punished my son three times for this. So I haven't been doing something that has no affect. The last time made son wrote sentences my wife kindly broke up it over the course of several days for him.

 

And my son doesn't pee himself in bed or when he is doing schoolwork. He does it, more often than not, when playing on the computer or while playing video games. In essence, if he is too pre-occupied with something that requires his undivided attention in front of a screen he seems to let the whole bathroom thing slip his mind. (for the record, the kids get very little screen time.)

 

I believe this is a product of being homschooled and having the ability to get away with it, as my wife has typically just told him to change his clothes and get on with his day. In affect, I believe that the lack of discipline for years has had a negative affect on this behavior.

[Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady]

See a doc! Make sure doc tests for diabetes.

[camibami]

GO to the DOCTOR!!!

My cousin started wetting himself at 9ish. He lapsed into a coma one day from diabetes. All the stress and embarassment that surrounded the wetting issues could have been avoided, never mind the extreme health effects, if my aunt and uncle had only taken him to the doctor at the outset!!!!!!

 

That said, I *have* known boys that pee'd in inappropriate places/times, at this age- 7,8,9. (Both were ps'ed, not that that makes a difference!). It was extremely frustrating for their parents, and in the end, it really was a control/stubbornness issue. Obviously, you get a *big* reaction pee'ing in someone's trash can, your closet, etc. And it just got worse from there. Wetting yourself is *different* though, IMO. Again-

 

Go to the doctor!!!

[LNC]

Doctor - asap please!!

[JennifersLost]

When you go to the doctor, ask about food allergies, too!

 

If you have a child with "issues" about peeing there are lots of foods and medications that can trigger it.

 

PM me if you want info about how to do an elimination diet.

 

So sorry you are going through this. Let your dh know that TONS of other people go through it, too. It embarrasses us as parents so much that we tend to overreact and make it worse. Having said that.....show your ds how to change as soon as it happens, how to clean himself, rinse out his clothes and start the washing machine. If you make it his job to clean up, he may get over it way faster.

 

Then ask yourself....is this child getting all the positive attention he needs? Or is he fishing for negative attention just to get any attention at all?

 

For my ds it turned out that I was feeding him the foods he was most allergic to on a DAILY basis and his body overloaded and "shorted" out. The good news is that we've "fixed" everything. You will get through this!

[Annie Laurie]

My oldest, around that age, would get so lost in his play while outside or wherever, that he would wet himself slightly and not really realize it. We would just tell him to change and then put his clothes in the washer. We never made a big deal out of it and I guess I'm weird, because even if it isn't a medical issue, I don't understand why it's an issue worthy of discipline or punishment. I did not think my own son was doing it out of malice or out of a desire to be disobedient. We didn't make a big deal out of it, just made a point to call him in and have him go potty more often during a long play session with the neighborhood kids. He outgrew it soon enough.

[Rosie_0801]

If the doctor doesn't find anything, try a chiropractor. Wetting can be a result of the lower back being out of kilter. Hardly a far fetched idea, most of us don't treat our back with a whole lot of respect, and small boys are prone to falling over/ off stuff.

:)

Rosie

[Word Nerd]

Sometimes kids get so caught up in what they're doing that they put off going to the bathroom until it's too late to get there. A visit to the doctor might be worthwhile to rule out any medical issues, but sending him to counseling seems as extreme to me as punishing him for having an accident.

[Kelli in TN]

I don't know if this has been mentioned because I did not read the whole thread, but wetting can be connected to chronic constipation. You might not even see the constipation, it might require an abdominal xray to be seen. When we have had wonky symptoms involving defecation or urination the first thing our ped. does is send 'em for an xray of the tummy. (The she holds up the xray and says "See, look at all that poop" and I stand there nodding and wondering if there might not be a better way to phrase that!:D)

 

So, WHEN you take your dear, embarrassed, child to the doctor, ask for an xray to be on the safe side.

[Kelli in TN]

My oldest, around that age, would get so lost in his play while outside or wherever, that he would wet himself slightly and not really realize it. We would just tell him to change and then put his clothes in the washer. We never made a big deal out of it and I guess I'm weird, because even if it isn't a medical issue, I don't understand why it's an issue worthy of discipline or punishment. I did not think my own son was doing it out of malice or out of a desire to be disobedient. We didn't make a big deal out of it, just made a point to call him in and have him go potty more often during a long play session with the neighborhood kids. He outgrew it soon enough.

 

This works for us as well. We don't bring the big guns out to deal with the mosquitoes.

[yslek]

I wanted to second a pp's mention of food allergies/sensitivities.

 

D had bladder control problems for a couple of years after she was potty trained. We were totally at a loss. At first we thought it was due to the stress of a then-recent move, but it never let up. What was really frustrating was that she would act really naughty (not listening or paying attention, sassing us, doing nasty things to her siblings for no apparent reason, etc.) when she was having the most trouble, so for a while we thought she was just wetting herself out of defiance. (Especially since she didn't have night-time accidents.)

 

Dh got very frustrated with this and did punish her a few times, thinking she was just trying to spite him. I was frustrated, too, but figured that a "logical consequences" approach (in this case, cleaning up herself & any mess she made herself) would solve things. It didn't. We tried the timer idea for a while, too, but on some days she would wet herself several times within an hour. :glare:

 

Then, several months ago, some friends mentioned that it could be food-related. We started watching what she was eating, and it turns out she has a sensitivity to corn & corn products. Once we eliminated those, she stopped wetting herself & was much better behaved & focused. :D Now, we can tell the difference immediately, as can our extended family. Even though the bad behavior & wetting are frustrating when they happen, it's so much easier to be understanding, knowing that it's out of her control. :001_smile:

 

I actually do plan on taking her to the Dr. to have an iGg blood test done, to make sure we're not somehow missing something. It seems that often when we eat prepared foods or foods at other people's houses, she ends up having trouble, even when I've screened all the labels. There may be something else we're missing, though eliminating corn (which is hard!) has helped tremendously.

 

Just my $.02 :)

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

*Phathui5's husband*

 

For the record, I have only punished my son three times for this. So I haven't been doing something that has no affect. The last time made son wrote sentences my wife kindly broke up it over the course of several days for him.

 

And my son doesn't pee himself in bed or when he is doing schoolwork. He does it, more often than not, when playing on the computer or while playing video games. In essence, if he is too pre-occupied with something that requires his undivided attention in front of a screen he seems to let the whole bathroom thing slip his mind. (for the record, the kids get very little screen time.)

 

I believe this is a product of being homschooled and having the ability to get away with it, as my wife has typically just told him to change his clothes and get on with his day. In affect, I believe that the lack of discipline for years has had a negative affect on this behavior.

 

I agree with going to the doctor ASAP.

 

My first thought is that the kid seems stressed about the screen time. It has his undivided attention in a way that sounds possibly unhealthy. Could it be he is worried he is going to miss something or if he doesn't play *right now* he is not going to be able to until the next day?

 

Does he wet himself when he has friends over and is playing video games?

 

I wonder why he is so afraid it is causing him to sit in urine soaked clothing. I would try to get to the bottom of that issue as well. I can pretty much assure you none of this has nothing to do with homeschooling. Discipline is an interesting word. IMO discipline in this situation would be teaching my child healthy attitudes about video games and working on an open relationship where my child is not afraid to come to me when something is wrong or she has made a mistake.

[Kris]

Sometimes kids get so caught up in what they're doing that they put off going to the bathroom until it's too late to get there. A visit to the doctor might be worthwhile to rule out any medical issues, but sending him to counseling seems as extreme to me as punishing him for having an accident.

 

Heck *I* do that! And everyone better get out of the way when I finally figure out I'm headed towards the potty!

 

I agree that a visit to the doctor should be the first thing. But if it does turn out that he's just too busy to go to the bathroom, then the activity that he thinks is more important is the problem -- not his sentence writing ability. No screen time for a week or two, then see how it goes.

 

And I don't understand why homeschooling is being blamed for this, either. Homeschooling Moms are more indulgent? My son would argue that one. ;) Lack of discipline is evident in PS kids, too.

[Alaska Mom]

You've got great responses here, I hope you will follow the advice. Mine follows along with what most have said.

 

1. Immediately stop punishing him for this - whether medical or not, this is not a good idea.

2. See a doctor

3. If a medical problem is ruled out, then consider if punishment is really in order. Does punishment of any sort really fit the "crime"? I personally don't think of this as a crime or wrong-doing of any sort, much less one that is intentional by your ds. So I'd give that some serious thought.

 

Just a thought: have you considered taking away the video games and to see if that resoves the problem? Does it happen during any other activity or just screen activities? If I was going to punish, that would be the only thing I would consider (but then I don't like video games anyway so it would give me a good excuse!).

 

:grouphug: and good luck to you.

[Night Elf]

I don't know if this has been mentioned because I did not read the whole thread, but wetting can be connected to chronic constipation.

 

Yes, my son dealt with this issue for years. The wetting was only in the daytime and not at night due to the position of the body or something like that. We saw a pediatric urologist. She did an ultrasound before and after my son went to the bathroom. He wasn't emptying his bladder completely and because of the chronic constipation issue, his insides just weren't working the right way.

 

I disagree on discipline in this area, but then again I prefer my children trusting me to help them through rough times. Harsh but true.

[Alaska Mom]

I'll just add another suggestion to try in the event a medical condition is ruled out. I would stop any sort of punishment and instead let him be the one to deal with it. I would be respectful and sensitive to the fact that this is likely very embarassing to him. I would simply tell him when he has an accident to go change his clothes and put his wet clothes where ever it is you would have them go (in the laundry basket, on the washing machine, where ever). He doesn't have to say anything about it to you or dh. Tell him he doesn't have to feel bad about it and that "accidents happen". If you feel he can handle it, you may have him rinse his clothes in the sink, or put them into the wash himself.

 

My dd6 has occasional accidents, maybe 4 to 8 times a month. It happens when she's being really physically active doing something (which is just her passion and where she'll just lose herself in the activty and she forgets to go). I know she naturally feels bad about it already, without my having ever scolded her or made her feel bad about it. She just leaves her clothes near the laundry and changes into dry ones. Not a big deal.

[Deidre in GA]

my son also had this issue until he was 10 or 11. looking at all the advice here, i probably should have had him checked. he was (is) so resistant to drinking an adequate amount of water it may have been constipation.

 

that being said, i did try to approach the problem in a positive manner. he was so absorbed in his playing that he would not stop to go to the bathroom. usually it was screen related so the natural consequence was to have curtailed screen time. also, i was very careful to stress that it was his responsibility to clean himself up. that was more punishable to me than the actual wetting. when i talked to him about it, i made a point of not shaming him. i think shaming is a very destructive tool. my mom used it often; that's why i won't.

[joannqn]

We had a similar issue with my six year old son but have resolved it. Our issue was that he would have a bowel movement (full size bowel movement, not just skid marks) in his pants. He would sometimes just sit in it and sometimes he would change his clothes and bury the dirty ones in the hamper with the poo still in them. It was quite gross.

 

First, if there in ANY question about whether it could be a medical issue, take him to the doctor. In our case, he knew it wasn't medical. The only time he ever had an accident was playing on the computer. It never happened at any other time and our son confirmed that he was too busy playing to use the restroom.

 

This wasn't something that we were willing to allow to continue because the smell was transferring to our furniture and we weren't ok with that.

 

We started by telling him that he had to stop playing to use the bathroom and making it his responsibility to hand-wash his poopy clothes when he didn't. That didn't work so we moved to the next step. We took away all screen time and required that he earn it back. Our kids get 90 minutes that they can use on the computer or game cube or any combination of the two. Each week he didn't have an accident, he earned back ten minutes per day. If he had an accident, he'd lose all the time and have to start at zero again. In addition, he had to try to use the restroom before starting his screen time and every ten minutes during his screen time. By the time he earned all of his time back, he had established the habit of paying attention to his bodily signals again.

 

I'm also concerned about the animosity between his parents which is apparent between the two posts. The child is going to feel responsible for the conflict between his parents over something he did. For the child's well-being, that needs to be resolved.

[LG Gone Wild]

I'm also concerned about the animosity between his parents which is apparent between the two posts. The child is going to feel responsible for the conflict between his parents over something he did. For the child's well-being, that needs to be resolved.

 

BINGO!

 

Unless great penmanship is the desired outcome, sentence writing seems a rather dubious approach to correcting behavior (if indeed the wetting is a behavioral problem). There seems to be calls for retribution between the adults with an 8 yo boy caught in the middle.

[Holly IN]

Both of my boys were in this situation when younger. I really disagree with punishment. The child is already humiliated. I do not believe in humiliating a child with punishments. This needs to stop!! Find out what is causing this.

 

For my boys....My oldest has a severe kidney infection which caused us to go to Riley in Indy for testing. 2 years later had to have surgery to correct his hole due to this kidney infection. This was very bad!!

My other boy...he is glucose intolerant...He is prediabetic. Too much sugar will cause him to have accidents especially at night. He is so much better at now that he is older. He goes to the bathroom very often. This is a maturity issue in regards to his GI.

 

My dd has autism. So she has accidents but it is getting less each year.

 

We never ever have punished our children. I would beg your dh not to punish. Go to your dr for a referral for a ped. urologist.

 

Holly

[FloridaLisa]

To the OP and husband,

 

I noticed from your siggy line that the son you are asking about is your oldest. I can tell you from experience (mine and that of most of my friends), parents tend to expect more and be harder on their oldest. When you have three youngers, a just-turned 8-yo seems old indeed. It's not. Yes, he should be trained. Since he's not, it's probably an issue that you should address first with your pediatrician and second, with a pediatric urologist.

 

My dad is a pediatric urologist and I can tell you that it is very, very common to have wetting issues. Don't be overly harsh and then have to live with the regret. Rule out any medical issue and find a constructive way to deal with it.

 

He's really not doing it just to rebel or bother you. Writing sentences will only cause him find that

 

writing = punishment.

 

Mmm. Try undoing that in a few years.

 

Best wishes as you see him through this and many other issues to come,

Lisa

[Danestress]

I believe this is a product of being homschooled and having the ability to get away with it, as my wife has typically just told him to change his clothes and get on with his day. In affect, I believe that the lack of discipline for years has had a negative affect on this behavior.

 

 

You know, that may be. It's possible that there isn't enough discipline in your homeschool and that it has a negative effect on your child. But I honestly think you should separate out this particular issue. By all means tighten up in areas where you son needs direction and structure.

 

But this is an explosive issue. Your son is probably deeply ashamed. Even if you are right and it's a "slip his mind" issue when he is playing, it's still embarrassing and it probably feels to your son like he didn't mean to. He probably doesn't experience it quite the way you are seeing it, even if it is all about inattention.

 

The easy thing to do would be to tell him, when he wants to play video games, "Sure. Why don't you try to use the bathroom first though" and then see if that helps clear things up.

 

I will admit I wet my pants until far later than is normal. And I am not sure why. Part of it is probably being ADD. There was nothing physically wrong that I know of. This is one of the few things in my childhood that I really feel angry about - that my parents, who were by no means harsh or punitive parents - tried to gently shame me into doing better. I felt the shame, and I felt the anger, and it's not how I would choose to handle this with a child. I really didn't WANT to be someone who wet her pants at seven and eight years old, and I assure you your son doesn't want to be either. So get on his team.

[dawn of ns]

And my son doesn't pee himself in bed or when he is doing schoolwork. He does it, more often than not, when playing on the computer or while playing video games. In essence, if he is too pre-occupied with something that requires his undivided attention in front of a screen he seems to let the whole bathroom thing slip his mind. (for the record, the kids get very little screen time.)

 

 

Be aware that just because it happens when he's preoccupied doesn't mean it's not medical in nature. When it's something new and related to bodily functions, the doctor should be your first stop.

 

Regardless, even if this is just preoccupation you've got to give him tools to deal with it. Punishment just tells him it's wrong, it doesn't give him any usual aid. It's like punishing a kid for not being able to hit a baseball instead of showing him how to hold and swing the bat.

 

Talk with him and see if he's getting any signals from his body that he needs to pee. Talk about those. Get him to pee before playing. Limit video game times to something very short and gradually extend them as he goes accident free. Set a timer for every ten minutes if he's playing for longer so that when it goes off he can evaluate how he feels and see if he needs to go.

 

One last thing. Discipline isn't about punishment. It's about giving kids the tools to critically examine and then direct their own behaviour. You don't want a son who'll harm himself (pee burns skin!) just to avoid punishment. You want a son who'll understand when what he's doing might lead to an undesirable consequence so he can avoid it.

[Annabel Lee]

I can't really add to the many good suggestions already given. I can however say my 1st reaction was akin to AlaskaMom's - just use natural consequences rather than punishment. The natural consequence at my house (if he is truly just wetting because of laziness and not for any other reason - which should be ruled out) would be that he has to clean it all up himself. He'd be responsible for hopping in the tub and at least wiping himself down, cleaning the chair/floor, and doing that laundry completly on his own. No extra verbal admonishment would be needed, just the hassle of having to clean it all up might be enough, esp. if you require him to do it just as you would (with the carpet shampooer attachment hose and all for chairs/floors, etc.).

I have experienced 1st hand with my own children how they can go from completely potty-trained children one day to wetting the next due to stress and abuse. Sometimes the only clue you get is the outward symptom - the wetting. Don't turn a blind eye - I know it's easy to say 'oh that's not going on here', but for your ds' sake, please check it out. It can come from outside the home too.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

I used to treat kids for this issue as a Psychology graduate student. Here is what I would do:

 

1) Please see the doctor to rule out physical problems or abnormalities.

2) When he has an accident, keep yourself calm. Let him know in advance how to clean himself up, where to put the soiled laundry, and where to find a clean change of clothes.

3) Ria's idea of using a timer during game play or other focused activity is spot-on. Let him be responsible for the use of this timer and let him know what it is for. If he is not using the timer, game play could be discontinued for that day. calmly.

 

This behavior will fade out. It is not due to being homeschooled. The kids I treated were all public schooled. It is not due to being public schooled, either.

 

Do not skip the physician visit. We have dear friends who discovered over the course of one week that their son has kidney cancer. Not to imply that this is *at all* the issue with your son- just that things like this put everything else in perspective. This will go away, and then you will have the relationship with your son that you have built (or not) during this time.

 

Best of luck to you.

[phathui5]

Thank you all for the many responses. I'm making a doctor's appointment and we'll go from there.