Comfort level in posting TMI -- throw me a bone

[gaillardia]

For months I've wanted to type out all the things that have been happening to us but I never have the courage to post that much personal information because I'm paranoid that my sil is spying on me.

I've been surprised by how much personal information is shared here on the forum and always tell myself I would never get that personal.

 

I don't trust hardly anyone anymore with personal information (burned too many times, judged and criticized too many times). This includes "friends," sisters, and in-laws. Although I have been known to tell my best friend's brother things that I wouldn't tell anyone, including my bf. But she's not my bf anymore and even though she refers to me as that, I know I'm not hers either.

 

Right here and right now I think is one of the most difficult things I've ever lived through, but there have been many other times that I thought THOSE were the most difficult or worst times. Is each successive one superseding the next?

It isn't just this one thing, but situation after situation is occurring "to" us and I am having a really hard time finding the light at the end of the tunnel.

We are all doing a fairly decent job of staying upbeat and positive but what the...?

 

I'm also trying to say that I want to post every rotten miserable thing we've been through in the past 18 months (and especially the last 7 months) but if I did, if anyone here would put 2 and 2 together that does know me in person, then it wouldn't be very anonymous or private. (I'm not liking FB).

I don't know who to talk to or confide in because the one man I could confide in is so burdened with glorious purpose right now, that I think he'd be like, "yeah, so?"

It's true, I just didn't know how else to word it. (I'm trying to have a good sense of humor about all of this but I am serious).

 

I know many people are having hard times, have had hard times and will in the future again have to deal with something very difficult. It just goes on and on.

If you can post without writing a book and share with me a long list of sad, hard, etc. things you've had to deal with in a relatively short period of time, say 2 or 3 years, please, either post it or give me some hope that you know things will get better and you knew things would get better for you and have gotten better. :crying:

 

 

[happi duck]

(Hugs)

[gaillardia]

(Hugs)

to you too, happi duck.

:grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug:

we went through a period of - it's hit bottom now right?  it can get better now right? well, that was a dandy, now we can move on right? . . .I lost count of the times thinking it had hit bottom only to get worse.  (it reminded me of a keystone cops comedy.  I've always disliked slapstick - and that was before it became my life.)

it actually went on for a long time.  we persevered. we hung together at times by nothing more than our fingernails. it was hard, it was exhausting, we were subjected to sanctimonious dolts who tried to blame it on us (after all, if bad things happen to good people then bad things might happen to them. . . . . denial is not a river in Egypt. ) . . .

 

it eventually got better, and it continues to get better, more than we ever could have imagined.  eventually - that light up ahead really is the tunnel entrance, and not another oncoming train.

hang  in there. humor is good.  do what you can to cope and survive.  you can post generalities so you're not identifiable online.  if there is someone you trust on the forum, I'm sure you could pm them so you can vent. you constantly assess, but if you're doing what is right there is no guarantee there won't be hardship.  sometimes a lot.

 

a couple favorite quips:

 

I'm going to find the silver lining in this cloud even if I have to wring it out myself.

hanging in there by the neck until dead.

 

 

[heartlikealion]

One day I lost my home (destroyed. My parents' house, actually), car (flooded) and job (well, they wanted me to return when they reopened I'm sure, but by then I had moved on) overnight. Hurricane Katrina. I thought that was the worst thing I could probably experience in my life, but it wasn't. And it wasn't ALL bad I guess. Clean slate in a way.

 

The year dh and I had to apply for SNAP benefits was one of the worst years. He was unemployed and all I could get for work was a part-time job surrounded by younger employees that mostly could not relate to my financial stress at all. I also got overly emotional one day and ended up crying in my boss' office. I never felt like I could live that down and would always been seen as weak. We had to move to a well, bad neighborhood to be blunt, to afford rent. It was a low-income housing subdivision. Our car A/C was broken and one of the windows didn't work and always fell down. Driving around in Mississippi in that thing was hell. And there was an electrical problem so that half the time I parked the car I didn't know how long it would take to crank back up. It would flash "auto-theft" and refuse to crank because it thought I was trying to steal my own car. I would get stuck sitting in parking lots and my driveway sweating for 15 min. or so waiting for the car to start. My inlaws paid for work on the A/C, but it wouldn't stay on. Maybe related to the electrical problems.

 

This past year or so has been one of the worst years of my life. I suppose one of the best as well. With dd's birth came joy and also some obstacles. I know when I put it into perspective it isn't that bad compared to what many people have experienced. I have a lot to be thankful for. But I have all this guilt and anger stemming from how I've handled things from her lip/tongue tie to torticollis and homeschooling, etc. I'm dying to go to the psychiatrist and have been waiting months because of her availability. I will finally see her the end of this month. I just got off an emotional roller coaster ride when dh applied for another job and was offered it recently. I didn't know if we were going to move across the state yet again and went as far as to contact a few realtors. The options were pretty slim. In the end we did the math and it wasn't going to work which is fine.

 

Tomorrow morning we tour a private school and I think I might be more nervous than ds. I just don't know what to do. Homeschooling is not working for us right now, but depending on our options we may have to force it to work.

 

I worry about posting on here, too. I probably overshare. We just live in such a tiny area I guess I figure odds are most of them don't know about this site or use it.

 

I don't know if any of that makes you feel better! lol. But really, most of that stuff is water under the bridge now. I don't know if it would help you to see a therapist, but I think after my evaluation I might go see one for regular visits. I'm not sure. I hope things improve for you. I have no idea what kinds of things you've been through in the past few years so I may not be able to relate, but you have my sympathy.

Edited May 2, 2016 by heartlikealion

[Carrie12345]

I don't mind getting personal about myself, but I've become more careful about personal issues that involve other people in public "spaces".

 

For me, several situations have not gotten better, but *I've* gotten better.  I can only manage what is mine to manage, and I'm glad to be doing so.

 

:grouphug:

[Guest]

I'm sorry. I did go through several years in which I felt like there was no one I could trust and no one to help me. I did have help from a counselor for a while, but when I reached the maximum sessions paid for by insurance, I quit. One of my best friends became my enemy. Another best friend moved out of state. My sister attacked me because she wanted more attention from me - six months after my baby died. I went through a crisis of faith.

 

It was enormously painful for several years. It is much improved now.

[creekland]

We are all doing a fairly decent job of staying upbeat and positive but what the...?

 

I've come to the conclusion that there must be an ex-student or similar with a voodoo doll and my dismissal of that type of technology being able to work has been completely wrong.

 

Putting it in those terms has allowed us some humor to laugh things off, though I gotta admit, it also makes the most sense in my life.   :glare:

 

I've shared more on here than I ever cared to about my health, but I got over that locally first.  I'd planned on not saying anything about my brain tumor at school... however the first day I went to school after finding out about it, a student came up to me giving me a hug and telling me he was so sorry, and they'd always be there for me.  WTH???  That's when I learned that Hippa laws in rural areas where one has been a school teacher for years (so is fairly well known among a larger group of people) just don't apply.

 

Get mad or embrace it?  I opted to let it slide, then embraced it (and switched where I went for primary care to further away from home).  That particular student lost his own mother to a brain tumor not too long afterward.  (different type - mine's benign)  I've let school share in my experience - quite helpful in anatomy classes as it played out.

 

That should have been it.  It's benign after all.  I followed what they said would fix it.

 

Then folks on here have been terrific at giving me ideas regarding other health issues that affect my life - except those haven't led to answers.  A bit remains a mystery.  A mystery that worsens progressively more or less driving me mad (mentally).  Current thoughts lead to either the tumor increasing or nerve lesions from radiation.  I might find out in June.  They may or may not be correct.

 

Then there's the stuff I don't share and am supposed to be getting looked into.  I've done that with a couple of them.  A third I think I'm holding off on until I see what happens in June.  Why try to fix something else is Issue A isn't going to get better?

 

Toss in a couple of carpal tunnel surgeries (Surprise!  That's an issue too, albeit minor compared to some others - and now fixed.).  Combining them all has led to a very "interesting" mental 2 1/2 years.  

 

Prior to that whole thing I'd only seen a doctor 5 times in 25 years of marriage (except for having kids).  I liked it that way.

 

Oh wait... there's the other aspects of life too.  Oldest son feels we were bad parents (corrupted thoughts/memories from another homeschooling mom  :cursing: ).  We really wish we could fix that - even brought out pics of his youth to try to uncover real memories - but the close relationship we had growing up is lost.  We visited him this past winter and thought all might be well afterward.  Apparently not.  (The good side of this is his younger two brothers saw what happened - all of it - youth and now - and have been great at maintaining our close relationships.)

 

My dad (mental illnesses included)... wanting more contact in my life... making me executor of his will...

 

My mom - health issues of her own... I can't imagine losing her.

 

My sister - health and life issues.

 

My in-laws - really up there in age and with health issues.  MIL has Alzheimers.

 

I have three things I consider crucial to keeping my sanity, maybe four (five if you count my close relationship to God via my faith, but I know not all want to include that - I do).

 

#1  The best hubby in the world

#2  The ability to travel - even cheap travel near home - it provides distractions and dopamine

#3  My job I love and where I'm loved - tons of IRL friends there and great students

#4  Great home location - in the outdoors that I love, great neighbors, and with a cat - yes a cat - that rarely leaves my side, esp if he can sense how I'm feeling.  We've started to nickname him my "therapy cat."

 

Then there's humor... MUST keep humor.  If we don't laugh at life, it can really get to us.  Some have asked me "how can you laugh about it???"  I always respond with "how can you not?"

 

It really helps to have a friend or two that you can confide in - any chance you can find one?  One who will laugh with you, then remind you that there's work to be done?

 

I'm just now (tomorrow) finishing up with another minor issue doctors (plural) told me could be an issue and I needed to have it taken care of.  I was good and did even though it's something that has never bothered me.  If the surgeon was correct, not only was it not an issue, it's also something that shouldn't have happened (according to extensive googling) - nothing at all as expected beforehand.

 

Just one more case of my body taking its own path in life rewriting "the known" (apparently the story of my "health life" - NOT a good thing if one prefers things that can be fixed) - or - there's that voodoo doll theory getting more evidence.

 

I'm not really sure what the future is going to bring TBH.  I do know I have our next two trips planned - and that will get me through May.  Then I'll see what happens in June.  Someday I hope to find the kid with the voodoo doll and snatch it back!

 

But through it all, the sun still rises the next day.  Bad days are often followed by better days.  Right now, that knowledge counts for a lot too.

 

:grouphug:  for you!

[creekland]

It is much improved now.

 

I can like this part of yours.  It was way too difficult to add a "like" to the whole post.

 

:grouphug:

[Soror]

Hugs to everyone :( The older I get the more I realize that everyone has their own stuff. We just never know what someone has went through or is going through. It is good to always keep some compassion.

 

I think our low was when the house burned down at 39 wks pregnant w/ #2. Dh thankfully made it out with his life- really lucky as he was sleeping downstairs in a room we had tried to keep mostly sound proofed. I had planned my first homebirth, which I hadn't told about as it wasn't really done here. Had everything ready to go but had to move it to my Mom's house as she thankfully did know. My contractions started while we were going over it all with the insurance adjuster. Then the nurse at the peds office harassing me about the homebirth terrified me. Went back and forth between our parent's houses until we could get a rental. It sucked so bad- dh was either working or at the house working- while I was trying to take care of everything as our contractor  in a rental a 3yo who was high needs and a baby who liked to scream. We finally moved back home 5 months later I think, even though we just had one bedroom. My theme song was, "If Your Going through Hell Keep on Going." Mostly we kept it together, sometimes you don't have a choice. It brought dh and I closer and so many people reached out to help. It could have been so much worse, at least we had insurance. 

 

I've had some health stuff the last 4+yrs. It has certainly affected my quality of life but then again I feel bad for complaining at all when so many have it worse. So, I vacillate between feeling grateful for what I do have and really wishing for normal (normal is underrated). I don't think it is wrong to wish to feel better I guess. I think it is worth it to keep the fight up and I'm a fighter and I'm not giving up yet.

Edited May 2, 2016 by soror

[OneStepAtATime]

OP have you considered starting a private chat group here? You can limit inclusion to only those you invite and you can make it unsearchable from the internet. Easy to do.

[Splash]

Last four years have been incredibly difficult.  We've gone through the almost loss of a child, chronic life threatening illness with very, very expensive ongoing medical treatment,at same time another child crashing into depression so deep it was scary and has taken years to dig out with lots of ups and downs, another child struggles to find his way and isn't doing well academically, not making the best choices, we have lots of credit card debt that was incurred while coping with depression, illness, etc. child with chronic illness falling into depression, anxiety, etc and the therapy needed for her.  Crisis after crisis with oldest child. DH has deep vein blood clot.  Trying not to worry we'll lose health insurance, feeling that I need to go back to work to help ease the burden but having no energy left to pursue work. Trying to help my kids recover from the trauma of the year where all I did was cry, talk to insurance companies, social workers, therapists, etc and take kids to doctors and therapists, medical treatments, ER visits and deal with crisis after crisis. Add in adoption identity issues, boy/girl relationships, typical teen issues, teaching them to drive, tickets, court, it has been quite a ride.

 

Good side.  We have friends,a wonderful family support, and my dh bought me new dog when my dog died two years ago, that is my heart dog and makes me smile. gets me outside, comforts me.    We are currently doing better but there are still things we are working through and the expenses never end.  I can still find joy in everyday life though.  I am thankful for all that we have and the community of support that has slowly developed out of all this.  Some days I handle things well, others not so well.  It  is a journey.

 

I'm sorry you are having a hard time.  

 

 

[creekland]

Hugs to everyone :( The older I get the more I realize that everyone has their own stuff. We just never know what someone has went through or is going through. It is good to always keep some compassion.

 

So true.  We youngun's laugh at all the groups of older people who sit around and discuss their troubles.  They're the smart ones realizing the value in shared experiences.

 

I've learned it's best to talk with those who have BTDT (or close enough) though.  They're the only ones who get it.  Older folks almost always have something - hence their groups.

 

Good side.  We have friends,a wonderful family support, and my dh bought me new dog when my dog died two years ago, that is my heart dog and makes me smile. gets me outside, comforts me.    We are currently doing better but there are still things we are working through and the expenses never end.  I can still find joy in everyday life though.  I am thankful for all that we have and the community of support that has slowly developed out of all this.  Some days I handle things well, others not so well.  It  is a journey.  

 

Glad there's a good side.   :grouphug:  as you go through it all.  Finding joy - however we do it (without messing up our bodies) - definitely is a key.

[Jaybee]

:grouphug:  :grouphug: We're going through a rough spot. Our family, I mean. Nothing that compares to what many here have gone through. But I wish I had someone I could talk to about it--someone who could really understand. We have people around who care about us. And who listen. I am very thankful for that. But the outward circumstances have not changed yet, and may get worse before they get better. So I sometimes feel people probably just wish I'd quit whining. and do something about it. However, not sure what we can/should do? Every option we think of has some major consequences if we make a wrong step. Most of our friends are much more assertive in this type situation, and we are more cautious. It leaves us feeling a little bit like there is no one else to talk to without them getting frustrated with us. It's the waiting that kills me sometimes. I'm sorry things are rough for you.

[gardenmom5]

I'm sorry. I did go through several years in which I felt like there was no one I could trust and no one to help me. I did have help from a counselor for a while, but when I reached the maximum sessions paid for by insurance, I quit. One of my best friends became my enemy. Another best friend moved out of state. My sister attacked me because she wanted more attention from me - six months after my baby died. I went through a crisis of faith.

 

It was enormously painful for several years. It is much improved now.

:grouphug:    liking this because - sharing, and hugs.      â€‹

 

Hugs to everyone :( The older I get the more I realize that everyone has their own stuff. We just never know what someone has went through or is going through. It is good to always keep some compassion.

 

THIS.   some people are good at hiding stuff, other's have stuff that is  almost impossible to keep private, some is just the type of thing that gets forced into the public realm.    and if they haven't had stuff - yet - they'll have it eventually.

the other thing I've realized - when talking about 'stuff' . . . . it's  easier to talk to people who have been through it, or are going through it, than those who are so completely clueless.   (whatever the age)

 

there are a lot of people on this board who have been through 'stuff'.

 

hugs to all of you.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Way I look at it is everyone has or has had problems.  Chances are plenty of people have gone through something similar. 

 

It is really stinky that your sil might be spying on you.  She needs to get a life.

 

 

[Katy]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[gaillardia]

OP have you considered starting a private chat group here? You can limit inclusion to only those you invite and you can make it unsearchable from the internet. Easy to do.

 

OneStepAtATime: I did not know that was a thing here anymore. How do we do this?

 

Splash, I'm very sorry for that with your children. That is an ongoing thing and I thought last night how grateful I am that we aren't dealing with anything like serious illness or a disease.

 

Sparkly Unicorn, my thoughts exactly, she needs to get a life. Even though she was very kind to us to a certain point, looking back it seems like she is very controlling.

 

Soror, that is so scary! 

 

Who posted about Hurricane Katrina? Fires, floods and hurricanes, we haven't had that yet personally. 

 

I want to answer every person who commented. I really appreciate your honesty and openness. 

 

When I think about who I could vent to, it seems like most people I know like to share my information with others as soon as possible.

 

I'd like to get started on that private venting thing!

[elegantlion]

About the last ten or twelve years of my life have been one thing after another. My divorce showed me that a lot of the drama was his, not ours, if that makes sense. Had different stuff since then and I finally feel like I'm trying to sneak out of the tunnel. There are few people IRL that know all the details, probably more online that do. I've found some listening ears here in PMs and a few in another group. It has helped to just spew it all out, but then again even private online isn't really private. 

 

It takes me a long time to trust people, I can be a very naive person sometimes - or I used to be, so it's a protective measure for me. 

 

You sometimes get to that place where you are just bone tired and edgy, waiting for the next big thing to fall apart. It's a hard place to be. One of the biggest things I've learned is to take care of yourself because no one else is going to make sure you get enough sleep, enough down time, and eat well. That's on me. 

[Catalytic]

OneStepAtATime: I did not know that was a thing here anymore. How do we do this?

 

Splash, I'm very sorry for that with your children. That is an ongoing thing and I thought last night how grateful I am that we aren't dealing with anything like serious illness or a disease.

 

Sparkly Unicorn, my thoughts exactly, she needs to get a life. Even though she was very kind to us to a certain point, looking back it seems like she is very controlling.

 

Soror, that is so scary! 

 

Who posted about Hurricane Katrina? Fires, floods and hurricanes, we haven't had that yet personally. 

 

I want to answer every person who commented. I really appreciate your honesty and openness. 

 

When I think about who I could vent to, it seems like most people I know like to share my information with others as soon as possible.

 

I'd like to get started on that private venting thing!

 

I know I'm new here, but I totally understand about the SIL concern.  If you'd ever like to unload, my PMs are open.  (I also am hesitant to post online about things due to a similar situation.)

[Truscifi]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

We've all been through hard times. The first few years after we had Brotherman were very hard, between lack of support systems, relationship drama, alcohol issues, etc...sometimes I look back and am surprised we made it through.

 

 

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Sometimes when I vent on here, I change unimportant details so anyone who might guess me in real life would not be able to tell exactly whom I was venting about.

[BooksandBoys]

Before 5 years ago, life was typical challenging not over-the-top impossible. I mean, there was unemployment, the 2008 recession hit us very hard, and some other stuff happened, but nothing out of the ordinary. The last 5 years, though? Ahhhhhh!

 

We've had tragic death in extended family, a horrific and traumatic accident in our family, severe mental health challenges, way too many moves for me or anyone else in our family to stay sane (and another one coming up very soon), major financial challenges (despite stable employment), an alphabet of diagnoses for the kids, significant marital challenges, insufficient support for me in dealing with the alphabet of my children, blah, blah, blah. I keep hoping that things start looking up soon because I. Am. Done. That said, as my PTSD improves (thank you, EMDR therapy), everything is easier to handle. Not easy, just easier.

 

In the last 5 years, especially in the 2 since the accident, I've learned to reach out to others for support. I never let myself do that before; it always seemed selfish or whiny or whatever other judgement I placed on myself on a given day. But I've learned the value of talking to kind people, especially those who have BTDT and, very importantly, the value of Not talking to those who tell me that "everyone goes through stuff, so quit whining." I grew up surrounded by those people, so learning that kind, supportive people exist, people who both listen and challenge me to be better (a winning combination because I want to improve myself), has changed my life for the better.

 

Hugs, OP.

[Liz CA]

We still call 2011 the year from Hell. 6 funerals, a move that was not optional but due to job relocation and the bottom falling out of the economy.

The most recent year BIL's brain cancer and his passing, a job change on my part - mostly good but still a change and a jump into the unknown.

 

One important thing I have really learned in my studies is the value of being in the moment. When I am outside and the sun is warming my back, I recognize the good feeling and enjoy it. I literally smell the flowers around me, admire the colors of the sunset and regain a lot of equilibrium rubbing my dog's belly. :)

I have also been told to concentrate on one task at a time and not let distractions cloud my thinking and cause me to feel overwhelmed. For a natural "planner" of everything, this is a tall order. Dayminders and phone apps help me write things down so I won't forget and then I can mentally let them go until I need to act on it.

 

Faith...that in the end we will be in a better place without pain, physical or mental, without trauma and evil. Getting older and realizing that life is really not as long as it seemed when I was twenty. The years go by and it's the moments that count because after all we don't remember days - we remember moments.

 

Seeking and appreciating the company of others. We were not meant to do life alone. Cultivating friendships, laughing and crying together. This is what made a difference in our lives.

 

 

 

 

[gaillardia]

About the last ten or twelve years of my life have been one thing after another. My divorce showed me that a lot of the drama was his, not ours, if that makes sense. Had different stuff since then and I finally feel like I'm trying to sneak out of the tunnel. There are few people IRL that know all the details, probably more online that do. I've found some listening ears here in PMs and a few in another group. It has helped to just spew it all out, but then again even private online isn't really private. 

 

It takes me a long time to trust people, I can be a very naive person sometimes - or I used to be, so it's a protective measure for me. 

 

You sometimes get to that place where you are just bone tired and edgy, waiting for the next big thing to fall apart. It's a hard place to be. One of the biggest things I've learned is to take care of yourself because no one else is going to make sure you get enough sleep, enough down time, and eat well. That's on me. 

 

I have read other posts of yours and I think you are out of the tunnel, but that's just my thinking, and I don't know your story much.

Yep, it is a hard place to be.

No divorce, no marital issues here. Most relationships are either doing well (immediate family) or are sort of being ignored or put on hold (extended family).

 

Let's see, loss of employment for dh but that is a story in itself, sold the house ("homeless" now but we have a very little bit of reserve we hope to use for a house down payment), some control issues on the parts of extended family members, and we are not spring chickens. I have almost always been SAHM and we've struggled and when I have tried to seek employment in the past 10 years I basically had nothing. For a couple of years I worked retail but eventually had to let it go due to family matters.

 

I do have faith but it is hard to not have a home and to not be surrounded by my life stuff. If we have to sell it all, then so be it. It is in storage for now.

I know there are millions of people way less fortunate than I, who have had to flee their homes with the clothes on their backs and with not much hope of things getting much better for them. I realize that. Perspective, right?

[heartlikealion]

I have read other posts of yours and I think you are out of the tunnel, but that's just my thinking, and I don't know your story much.

Yep, it is a hard place to be.

No divorce, no marital issues here. Most relationships are either doing well (immediate family) or are sort of being ignored or put on hold (extended family).

 

Let's see, loss of employment for dh but that is a story in itself, sold the house ("homeless" now but we have a very little bit of reserve we hope to use for a house down payment), some control issues on the parts of extended family members, and we are not spring chickens. I have almost always been SAHM and we've struggled and when I have tried to seek employment in the past 10 years I basically had nothing. For a couple of years I worked retail but eventually had to let it go due to family matters.

 

I do have faith but it is hard to not have a home and to not be surrounded by my life stuff. If we have to sell it all, then so be it. It is in storage for now.

I know there are millions of people way less fortunate than I, who have had to flee their homes with the clothes on their backs and with not much hope of things getting much better for them. I realize that. Perspective, right?

 

I'm sorry to hear. This thread brought me some perspective as well. :grouphug:

 

[Miss Peregrine]

We had a disrupted adoption a year ago. Hardest thing I've ever done and the most painful thing I've gone through. Still going through it. I am in counseling. Dealing with the loss and having to bear it alone for the last year is excruciating. I still cry myself to sleep some nights.

 

I had zero support from anyone. I have pulled away from "friends" because not one of them offered so much as a "how are you doing?"

 

There's my TMI info. :)

[Melissa in Australia]

We had a disrupted adoption a year ago. Hardest thing I've ever done and the most painful thing I've gone through. Still going through it. I am in counseling. Dealing with the loss and having to bear it alone for the last year is excruciating. I still cry myself to sleep some nights.

 

I had zero support from anyone. I have pulled away from "friends" because not one of them offered so much as a "how are you doing?"

 

There's my TMI info. :)

:grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  

[Rosie_0801]

We had a disrupted adoption a year ago. Hardest thing I've ever done and the most painful thing I've gone through. Still going through it. I am in counseling. Dealing with the loss and having to bear it alone for the last year is excruciating. I still cry myself to sleep some nights.

 

I had zero support from anyone. I have pulled away from "friends" because not one of them offered so much as a "how are you doing?"

 

There's my TMI info. :)

 

Go ahead and inflict it on them anyway.

 

People who haven't had problems of that magnitude don't know what to say about it.

[creekland]

I know there are millions of people way less fortunate than I, who have had to flee their homes with the clothes on their backs and with not much hope of things getting much better for them. I realize that. Perspective, right?

 

Honestly, perspective only goes so far.  When so many around you are or seem to be having more "normal" lives or even good lives, it's very difficult to keep perspective as an answer.  Yes, whatever our problems are, they could almost always be worse, but that doesn't mean the problems we are going through aren't real.

 

I'm glad you have (mostly) good relationships.  That can go far.  Finding someone you can talk and/or vent with will go far too.

 

Is employment better now?  Unemployment can bring any of us down hard and fast.  There are times when it works out better with a new job, but of course, there's no guarantee.

 

:grouphug:

[G5052]

Honestly, perspective only goes so far.  When so many around you are or seem to be having more "normal" lives or even good lives, it's very difficult to keep perspective as an answer.  Yes, whatever our problems are, they could almost always be worse, but that doesn't mean the problems we are going through aren't real.

 

:grouphug:

 

This is a gem

 

My life's perpetually a mess -- the kinds of things people divorce over and turn to drugs and alcohol for, and it's been that way for over a decade. The number of unsolvable problems we are juggling is horrific.

 

Our church doesn't get it at all as a whole. Frankly what they do and say became so hurtful some time ago that when we went through especially stressful period in February, we refused all visits and phone calls. I went to the first service and got out of there. I feel better about it now, but let's just say that's not our "happy place" although we'll continue to go. Everyone is different, but honestly we just want most of the people there to leave us alone.

 

Our support comes from relatives and a few close friends. I've become cynical about people at large.

 

I also am an "in the moment" person. Enjoy now and push away both the past and the future. 

Edited May 3, 2016 by G5052

[creekland]

I also am an "in the moment" person. Enjoy now and push away both the past and the future. 

 

Ditto.  Dwelling on something - past or future - rarely helps.

 

Personally, I need to stay somewhat busy/distracted to be able to do this.  I guess it could be called a form of denial, but such is life.  The past is what it is.  No one can change it.  The future?  No one really knows.  Even the best thought out plans aren't certain.  The worst might happen, but isn't definite either.  In any case, it's in the future, not now.

 

Life is way too short to miss the enjoyment of things in the present, even if they're little things like the snuggle of a cat sleeping at your feet..

[G5052]

Ditto.  Dwelling on something - past or future - rarely helps.

 

Personally, I need to stay somewhat busy/distracted to be able to do this.  I guess it could be called a form of denial, but such is life.  The past is what it is.  No one can change it.  The future?  No one really knows.  Even the best thought out plans aren't certain.  The worst might happen, but isn't definite either.  In any case, it's in the future, not now.

 

Life is way too short to miss the enjoyment of things in the present, even if they're little things like the snuggle of a cat sleeping at your feet..

 

We were introduced to mindfulness when undergoing treatment for PTSD. Such an important life principle!

 

One of my very favorite books is Wherever You Go, There You Are by John Kabat-Zinn. I probably re-read it 3-4x a year.

 

My church would probably have a fit knowing that (not that I would care), but perspective makes all the difference. One of my gripes there is that they want to talk about all the horrible things we've been through and the future. Honestly that's unhealthy as it can be IMHO. I'd rather enjoy NOW.

 

Anyway, off to sit in on a senior thesis as a reader this morning. Now that is JOY. Working through ideas and encouraging a teen.

Edited May 3, 2016 by G5052

[creekland]

One of my gripes there is that they want to talk about all the horrible things we've been through and the future. Honestly that's unhealthy as it can be IMHO. I'd rather enjoy NOW.

 

So many in my life, esp those who haven't BTDT in a similar fashion, feel that anyone "afflicted" (with anything) should be curled up in a fetal position on the couch or constantly talking/complaining about the issue.  Tears would even be worthy.  If that's not happening, then nothing is wrong.

 

I refuse to do that. REFUSE.  At least in public.  At home I have my moments TBH, but I only allow them to last for a short period.  With close friends I don't mind discussing things - as long as we also talk about other things and it's not the central point of our friendship.  It also has to go two ways.  If I'm sharing the hidden dark parts of my life, so are they (not always at the same time, but in general).  Then we move on to other topics.

 

Dwelling on the dark keeps it dark and sometimes one can see evil shadows.  It helps me to have a friend or two willing to go into that darkness with though.  There are times when that's needed.  I understand the OP having that craving and truly wishes she can find someone.  (If not, feel free to pm to at least vent online if not IRL).  But then we continue life in the present, step by step.  Both dark times and light times occur in the present.

[lllll]

nm

Edited May 17, 2016 by _ ?^..

[G5052]

So many in my life, esp those who haven't BTDT in a similar fashion, feel that anyone "afflicted" (with anything) should be curled up in a fetal position on the couch or constantly talking/complaining about the issue.  Tears would even be worthy.  If that's not happening, then nothing is wrong.

 

I'm baaaack. 

 

I think part of it is how we handle grief. I do think that the stages of grief apply to difficulties in life. We all grieve differently and need different things at different times. True friends and relatives "get" that.

 

I find that as the waves wash over and over that my "curl up and die phase" is pretty brief. I may be not sleeping well and struggle with getting everything done, but I begin bouncing back pretty quickly. I've done this so very many times. Not everyone is like that when problems hit, but I am.

 

When a family member had significant, potentially-life threatening surgical complications in February, I never missed work, continued many of my usual household chores, and paid our bills on time. I was quickly on the upswing even if I remained behind in some areas. It was a tough period until April when high alert stage ended, but we functioned. Having been through this a lot, I knew that some level of normalcy is what we needed.

 

Meanwhile our church was in gloom-and-doom mode. They were in a different stage of grief. When I walked in every Sunday, it was all about "how is X" doing and whether they were going to pull through this one. Some questioned whether I had involved the right specialists and whether I should quit working to focus on the problem. Yes, we had the right specialists, and we need my income and in many ways work is therapy for me. At that point I threw up my hands and decided just to go to the first service for myself and come home. I needed to work through this myself without them. I was on the upswing, and they were not. I know they care, but they were holding me back.

 

Recently I started going back to church full-time again. When people ask how we're doing, I answer, "Thanks for asking. We're managing just fine." And I change the subject. We get our hope and encouragement from a few select individuals.

 

Our situation isn't going to improve. Likely it will continue to worsen as it has for over a decade. But you know what? We're managing. I have to press forward into life one day at a time.

[Catalytic]

We had a disrupted adoption a year ago. Hardest thing I've ever done and the most painful thing I've gone through. Still going through it. I am in counseling. Dealing with the loss and having to bear it alone for the last year is excruciating. I still cry myself to sleep some nights.

 

I had zero support from anyone. I have pulled away from "friends" because not one of them offered so much as a "how are you doing?"

 

There's my TMI info. :)

 

I'm so sorry, for both the loss of a child, and for the lack of support.   :grouphug:

[Catalytic]

So I guess what I'm saying is that I just really had to wait it out for things to get better.  Kind of going through the motions, doing the next thing, one day at a time.  It would have really helped to have had my dog with me, too, when I was saddest.  But being in my 50's and knowing that Chihuahuas can live 20 years, I couldn't get another dog because I didn't want to have to leave behind a grieving pet to burden others with should something ever happen to me.  Plus, our circumstances changed dramatically and it would have been miserable for the dog.

 

Perhaps the perfect Chihuahua is in a rescue waiting for you?  

[hornblower]

Perhaps the perfect Chihuahua is in a rescue waiting for you?  

there are pretty much always middle aged and senior dogs who are looking for retirement homes. When I was with a rescue, we used to run ads with the slogan "Grow Old With Me" for the senior animals in care.

 

Most people want to adopt pups & youngsters but older dogs have tons of love left to give. I know someone who adopts only seniors & cherishes the weeks, months, (or sometimes lucky years) that she gets to have with them. 

[Miss Peregrine]

I'm so sorry, for both the loss of a child, and for the lack of support. :grouphug:

Thank you. I appreciate that.

[IfIOnly]

(((hugs))) I'm sorry things are so tough.

 

Def. had very overwhelming periods of life. I'm not sure how I/we made it, but we did stronger with much growth. The recession hit us hard. It wasn't so much losing everything but the all consuming process of folding on almost a million dollar real estate debt ( dh was a builder). Then, I became sick with chronic illnesses, left a cult we had been in almost a decade (so, so scary. I have so many scary stories.Took much longer for dh to see so I was all alone in this scary place for many years...I didn't dare outright express my concerns even to dh...it took very careful strategizing on my part to get out includinv get together with those who had left so dh could hear their stories to get my family out of there. All very stressful things on their own but these all overlApped with each other.

 

((((Hugs and more hugs))))

[Miss Peregrine]

Go ahead and inflict it on them anyway.

 

People who haven't had problems of that magnitude don't know what to say about it.

Couldn't like your post, so thank you. :) I wish one person would have tried. Edited May 4, 2016 by Miss Peregrine

[Tsuga]

I always try to respect those who say "don't quote".

 

Between 2008 and 2014, my ex-husband, me, and my partner had:

 

--3 divorces (partner and his ex-wife, in 2009, me and my ex-husband, 2011, and then my ex-husband and his third wife in 2014, yeahhhh)

--4 job losses, in spite of 4.5 degrees between the three of us

--4 moves for me and ex-H, plus 1 for my partner during that same time period before I knew him, over 3 countries and 2 states WOOT

--lost two pets

--2 deployments (2009, 2011, when he said he was leaving me from the field, and emptied the entire bank account and when I begged him to get counseling he screamed that I was ruining his life)

--3 affairs (none of which were my partner or I)

--I left the church

--1 miscarriage

 

 

I also completed the coursework for another degree, and my kids have been in the same primary school after pre-school the whole time. We have finally bought a house. I wrote a novel during that time. 

 

I always wondered how old people could get so zen. But now I'm kind of getting there. It's not that things are going to be better. I can't count on that at all. I guess I just feel... well, we made it this far, hopefully we'll make it further. Keep pushing. Whatever. We will keep on going because that's what you do.

 

I wouldn't use the word "hope". I guess I think it's more fun to gamble? What do we have to lose?

 

I know that's not much comfort.

 

Maybe things will turn around. For now, though... you're still here. :)  :grouphug:

[Catalytic]

there are pretty much always middle aged and senior dogs who are looking for retirement homes. When I was with a rescue, we used to run ads with the slogan "Grow Old With Me" for the senior animals in care.

 

Most people want to adopt pups & youngsters but older dogs have tons of love left to give. I know someone who adopts only seniors & cherishes the weeks, months, (or sometimes lucky years) that she gets to have with them. 

 

That's exactly what I was thinking for _ ?^.., maybe that will appeal to her.

 

*edited to correct the wrong name*

Edited May 4, 2016 by Catalytic

[lllll]

nm

Edited May 17, 2016 by _ ?^..

[creekland]

I guess this is a reminder that there will always be "those days" too.  I'm having one of those now...

 

Had good news from a couple of my boys yesterday, so that should have counterbalanced things nicely.  I'm even in school today (now), but it's ending up being a day where I'll actually do very little (first class had an independent project, this class is testing, one after lunch is another independent project, leaving just one where I might be able to assist with some actual math).

 

Being here prevents me from doing many of my other "go to" solutions like the Great Outdoors.

 

Sometimes these days happen.  At this point I'm just reminding myself that tomorrow (when I'm actually teaching math) should be better.  Admittedly though, it's going to take a lot to counteract where my brain is at right now (due to dwelling on issues I can't change and aren't likely to change on their own).  There's some travel on the horizon (this month).  That might help.

 

These days happen.  At least I have access to a computer with the internet.  Maybe I'll look at travel pics.  Can't watch videos or anything loud - there's that testing class bit.

[Catalytic]

I've thought about that, but we have to travel a lot now which would be miserable for a pet.  Plus, this rental doesn't allow pets of any kind.  I think my pet-owning days are over. 

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry.  Allow yourself to grieve that...I imagine it is similar to the grief some of us feel when our baby days are over.  Another thought maybe would be to volunteer some time in a rescue/shelter if/when you have time, to allow you some doggie time.

[lllll]

nm

Edited May 17, 2016 by _ ?^..

[Catalytic]

If I did that (volunteered), I'd want to bring them all home with me.  :D  

 

Yes...I suffer that problem too.  (And did bring several of them home.......aack.  4 cats is too many, I will remind myself of that in the future!)