Dealing with Dh who works a lot

[lovinmyboys]

I am getting so frustrated, but i know I am not the only one with a Dh who works a lot. I like to think of myself as a strong, independent woman who can handle it, but the truth is I am barely hanging on. How do other people do it?

 

I think I have given up asking him to have a better work-life balance (whatever that is). How do you keep up year after year? Do you just plan on doing everything and if he happens to be around he joins in too? Do you hire outside help?

 

How do you deal with the family being second place to work? (Obviously, with my Dh, a family emergency would come before work.) I have tried framing it that he works hard so I can stay home. I don't provide any income, so I know that is a lot on his shoulders. But I still sometimes (like today!) get so frustrated.

 

So, any tips on keeping Dh a part of the family without actually counting on him being there?

[G5052]

Honestly, you just make the best of it. :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

We live in an area where that is very much the norm. I remember being at a homeschool meeting where the talk centered around buying lawn equipment -- why? Because it was the homeschool parents who did most of the yard work. That's just how it works out with a spouse who works long hours. 

 

For us having Saturday breakfast and Sunday lunch were always the reconnection times. Other than that, it was often just me and the DC at meals.

 

It was worse for me when the DC were little -- no breaks at all, and I was often completely worn out.

 

Our situation is different now because of health issues and teens, but I still pretty plan as though DH likely will not be able to participate. Just how it is!

[lllll]

nm

Edited April 20, 2016 by _ ?^..

[samba]

My husband has traveled extensively for work for 14+ years, ever since my youngest was a newborn.  We have needed to plan our days as if he will not be here (because he most likely won't be) and then if plans change and he's here, it's considered a pleasant surprise.  It was harder when the kids were little but it was the norm for us. Being annoyed or frustrated would have only made things worse.  He's taking care of us, which is what he agreed to do.  

 

DH has a slightly different position so now he's home more but we still plan our days as if he will be busy with work...because he will be. 

 

I agree.  It's hard.  I hope you find a balance that works for you.  If he's working that much because he must, what can you do about it? We adjusted so well to his absences that it became harder when he was here.  He threw us all off schedule and often had his own ideas about what we should be doing when we were getting along fine without him. 

 

We usually spoke on the phone several times a day when dh was waiting for airplanes, settling into his hotel, etc.  to keep connected.

Edited April 6, 2016 by samba

[bolt.]

Between work and illness with my DH, it just makes sense to think of the kids and myself as 'the family' and he can be the icing on the cake (or the adder-of-chaos) if he happens to be present.

 

I'm much happier since I stopped imagining that I was an "independent woman" as a character trait -- and started actually concretely planning like one and acting like one: by *not depending on people* (and being proud of myself for it).

 

This doesn't mean I don't like help, co-operation or good times spent together with DH. It just means that "Plan A" is getting stuff done on my own strength, and "Plan B" is getting stuff done in easier/better ways through teamwork. If there isn't a "Plan A" -- I don't plan it at all. There is a difference between appreciating and depending. Dependency isn't a good quality.

Edited April 6, 2016 by bolt.

[lovinmyboys]

Honestly, you just make the best of it. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

We live in an area where that is very much the norm. I remember being at a homeschool meeting where the talk centered around buying lawn equipment -- why? Because it was the homeschool parents who did most of the yard work. That's just how it works out with a spouse who works long hours.

 

For us having Saturday breakfast and Sunday lunch were always the reconnection times. Other than that, it was often just me and the DC at meals.

 

It was worse for me when the DC were little -- no breaks at all, and I was often completely worn out.

 

Our situation is different now because of health issues and teens, but I still pretty plan as though DH likely will not be able to participate. Just how it is!

Lol about the lawn. That is actually what got me today. Dh is out of town and when he left he said don't worry about the lawn because I am not going in to work Friday and I will take care of it then. Thinking he was going to be home Friday I made a dr appointment for myself. I texted him and he said "oh plans change and I do have to work." So now I have to do the lawn (which is not that big of a deal) and cancel my appointment (which is irritating because it is so hard to find a time to go). Oh well.

[RKWAcademy]

Like others have said, we just assume he won't be there.  I make meals he can heat up or take the next day.  I *try* to make meals ahead of time just for him, so he can grab actual dinners to take with him.  I also *try* to do maintenance type chores myself so when he is home, he doesn't have a long honey-do list and can spend his time with the kids.  Plus, we try to schedule a family night once per week or so - usually Saturday.  We eat together and watch a movie.  Or I get to go away (so rare) and he and the kids play games.  Plus, he makes himself available to call the kids before bed if he won't be home or accept my help-me-discipline-this-hooligan phone calls as best he can.

 

Really, I just accept we have to live like this so I can stay home.  He already works odd hours because of his career choice, and he grabs every bit of off-duty he can find.  They're rare in his city, so he takes them without considering anything we have going on.  We make it work and fortunately, the kids have been understanding.

 

It's even worse when he's taking classes (he's slowly working on his degree).  And now we're adding selling/building houses, and he's responsible for his mother in a nursing facility.  I try to understand he is just as stressed as we are.  It's not easy.

[sassenach]

Lol about the lawn. That is actually what got me today. Dh is out of town and when he left he said don't worry about the lawn because I am not going in to work Friday and I will take care of it then. Thinking he was going to be home Friday I made a dr appointment for myself. I texted him and he said "oh plans change and I do have to work." So now I have to do the lawn (which is not that big of a deal) and cancel my appointment (which is irritating because it is so hard to find a time to go). Oh well.

If you can, start hiring help. You need a babysitter and a lawn service for starters.

 

Dh used to work a lot, and the lawn service was pretty much non-negotiable. I would trade babysitting with friends when money was tight. I would hire out when it wasn't.

[lllll]

nm

Edited April 20, 2016 by _ ?^..

[fraidycat]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I used to get so frustrated *waiting* to know if DH would be available to plan things.

 

Now, I go ahead and plan and let him know what our plans are. If he can join us, great! If not, the kids and I still get to have a life.

 

We are going on a large family vacation with my parents and siblings this summer. When my Mom asked if we wanted to go last fall when they were booking it, I told her that the kids and I are a yes and DH is a maybe. As it turns out DH does get to come, so we're excited, but the rest of us were going either way.

 

It's tough. But, the other way (waiting in limbo all the time) was causing resentment on my part - toward DH AND his job - not a good recipe for a healthy life or marriage. I still try to plan around his schedule as much as possible, but his schedule no longer rules (or ruins) my attitude and life.

[SKL]

Another single mom here.  One thing that makes being a single mom emotionally easy (seriously) is that I don't have any drama about what my husband / kids' dad could or should or shouldn't be doing.  I feel that any additional person loving my kids is a bonus.

 

The thing about why the parent works - my kids occasionally give me grief about working instead of chilling and having fun with them.  I always talk work up.  Work is not a bad thing, it's good - it provides financial support, it's interesting, it's contributing to the world.  I want them to look forward to their own career, not resent mine.  :)  My kids are lucky I work at home and can be flexible about when and where I pull out my laptop.  Many kids see both parents less.  So I would just answer any negativity with positivity - your kids do have a parent home, their dad does support the family, you all do x, y, and z as a family (every little bit counts).

[SKL]

I agree with hiring things that are easy to hire out.  IMO the lawn is a no-brainer, unless it is your DH's favorite hobby.  :)

[G5052]

Lol about the lawn. That is actually what got me today. Dh is out of town and when he left he said don't worry about the lawn because I am not going in to work Friday and I will take care of it then. Thinking he was going to be home Friday I made a dr appointment for myself. I texted him and he said "oh plans change and I do have to work." So now I have to do the lawn (which is not that big of a deal) and cancel my appointment (which is irritating because it is so hard to find a time to go). Oh well.

 

We have an acre of grass, so the lawn was a tough issue. It would take me at least 3 hours to mow and trim. Try doing that with little kids. It had to be done during naps or when they were older, while a video was on. I'd mow 15-20 minutes and then check on them.

 

No way could we afford to pay someone, even a teen.

 

Now I have two teens who can mow, so between the three of us, we get it done.

[JustEm]

Honestly, I couldn't handle it and at one point told him if things don't change then I'm going to start working and he can stay home with the kids. If he hadn't been willing to either change jobs, talk to his boss about less hours, or stay home with the kids while I worked I would have left him. For me, family comes first and if he couldn't make that his priority I wouldn't want to be part of his family. He had already lost one marriage partially over his work so he really had to figure out what was more important to him. Thankfully he chose his family and things changed.

 

I will add that at the time his job wasn't even adequately providing for us. so the added hours and lost family time wasn't even bringing in enough money for me to hire help or feel that we could rely solely on his income.

[lovinmyboys]

We have an acre of grass, so the lawn was a tough issue. It would take me at least 3 hours to mow and trim. Try doing that with little kids. It had to be done during naps or when they were older, while a video was on. I'd mow 15-20 minutes and then check on them.

 

No way could we afford to pay someone, even a teen.

 

Now I have two teens who can mow, so between the three of us, we get it done.

Oh, I hate doing the lawn. That is what initially sent me into this "I can't do it" attitude today. I have never been responsible for mowing when I had a child under 2. I know people who are, but I never could figure out how to do it and keep the baby safe. We hired it out those years. Now my youngest is 4, so I don't really have a good excuse.

 

By "not a big deal" I just meant for *me* it is not the worst part of all of this. I just thought it was funny you mentioned it when it was the exact thing that set me off this morning.

[G5052]

For doctors and dentists, I had a system that worked with my dh.  I found doctors and dentists near his work, made the appointments, and told him when to show up to watch the kids - either outside in the car or parking lot, or inside the office - while I was busy with the kid who was getting his teeth cleaned or whatever. 

 

I used to schedule the kids and me all at once for the dentist. That way we were all "occupied," and I got my teeth cleaned. If one of them finished early, they would bring them to sit quietly with me, thankfully never more than 10 minutes or so. We go to a large dental practice where that worked.

 

I also had a "fun bag" with things I'd take to appointments to keep them busy. Before smart phones, I also had a portable DVD player that I'd take with two sets of headphones. Then I could go to the doctor and have them occupied. In some waiting rooms as they got older, I'd put them near the receptionist and leave them while I went in. Naturally I'd make sure they went to the bathroom before and knew what to do if there was a problem.

 

Sometimes I also scheduled lunch appointments so he could have lunch with them while I went.

[lovinmyboys]

Between work and illness with my DH, it just makes sense to think of the kids and myself as 'the family' and he can be the icing on the cake (or the adder-of-chaos) if he happens to be present.

 

I'm much happier since I stopped imagining that I was an "independent woman" as a character trait -- and started actually concretely planning like one and acting like one: by *not depending on people* (and being proud of myself for it).

 

This doesn't mean I don't like help, co-operation or good times spent together with DH. It just means that "Plan A" is getting stuff done on my own strength, and "Plan B" is getting stuff done in easier/better ways through teamwork. If there isn't a "Plan A" -- I don't plan it at all. There is a difference between appreciating and depending. Dependency isn't a good quality.

This is what I am wanting to move toward more. Four years ago when I had 4 kids 5 and under I was more like this. If I couldn't do it, it didn't get done. The kids went to bed at 7 (except the baby), none or them were official school age, and none did extracurriculars. We had simple routines.

 

Somewhere in the last 4 years, I think I have overextended myself. I thought it would get easier with older kids, but now they want to see friends and play sports. Plus, I am homeschooling the 3 school aged kids. They still all want me to do "bedtime routine" which now seems to take an hour. There is only one of me and I feel like I can't do it all. They miss games and birthday parties and I get frustrated with Dh because he isn't home to help chauffeur. I need to be an adult and just realize no one can do everything they would like. As our life is now, I really do depend on Dh to do some child care and he isn't really available to do that. I need to adjust some things.

[OneStepAtATime]

This is what I am wanting to move toward more. Four years ago when I had 4 kids 5 and under I was more like this. If I couldn't do it, it didn't get done. The kids went to bed at 7 (except the baby), none or them were official school age, and none did extracurriculars. We had simple routines.

 

Somewhere in the last 4 years, I think I have overextended myself. I thought it would get easier with older kids, but now they want to see friends and play sports. Plus, I am homeschooling the 3 school aged kids. They still all want me to do "bedtime routine" which now seems to take an hour. There is only one of me and I feel like I can't do it all. They miss games and birthday parties and I get frustrated with Dh because he isn't home to help chauffeur. I need to be an adult and just realize no one can do everything they would like. As our life is now, I really do depend on Dh to do some child care and he isn't really available to do that. I need to adjust some things.

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Make plans as if your DH will not be available and definitely get some sort of outside support system in place.  Cultivate teenagers that you trust to babysit when needed.  Or retirees.  Maybe they can help with the lawn, too.  If you are part of any homeschooling groups, let people know you are looking.  Have them come over at least once a month if you can afford it.  If they are watching some while you are working with others that can free you up a bit while you also can help the babysitter to get used to your routine and your kids and your expectations before you might have to leave the kids alone with them.  If you have someone you know you can turn to in an emergency or when you are having a really tough week that can make all the difference.  To get off on the right foot, though, be very explicit in your expectations.  They aren't psychic.  

[Miss Tick]

 

Somewhere in the last 4 years, I think I have overextended myself. I thought it would get easier with older kids, but now they want to see friends and play sports. Plus, I am homeschooling the 3 school aged kids. They still all want me to do "bedtime routine" which now seems to take an hour. There is only one of me and I feel like I can't do it all. They miss games and birthday parties and I get frustrated with Dh because he isn't home to help chauffeur. I need to be an adult and just realize no one can do everything they would like. As our life is now, I really do depend on Dh to do some child care and he isn't really available to do that. I need to adjust some things.

A few years ago I had to massively slim down the bedtime routine because it was making me crazy, which is doubly rough at the end of a long day, isn't it? At one point I said something like that to my kids, then outlined what I thought was a good compromise. They were ok with that. When dh is home he adds on his bits, but I stick with mine.

 

I don't commit to activities unless I can figure out the logistics on my own. That said, most people are totally onboard with a question like, "can I drop little Suzy off alone at the party? Billy has a soccer game that overlaps." Most parents are happy to have a chance to help out a fellow parent.

 

Once in a while we get a season where dh can commit to being home on a particular evening (most) every week. When that happens I have learned to use it as did me with no guilt. The "no guilt" part took a long time to discover.

[FriedClams]

I agree with others, as the kids get older it gets easier. Definitely train them to help (dishes, laundry, taking the trash out, feeding the pets, etc.). It's a hassle to train them, but once they get it, you're set. I'd prioritize by making a list of 1. what you hate to do the most, and 2. what needs to be done the most. Work from there.

 

Keep it simple. Breakfast for dinner...rotisserie chicken and bag salad...good frozen pizza and fruit...cereal for dinner in a pinch. I cook for real when DH is home, but less so when he's gone. The kids and I are cool with soup and sandwich for dinner, or an occasional night of fruit and ramen. DH... not so much. LOL!

 

Fun rituals are great too. We used to eat out every Monday night after cub scouts. Kids ate free at the place, so we were out $7 for all three of us to eat out. Done and done. I'd look around and see if you can build in a break during the week for super cheap. My sister has "Cinderella Hour" every Friday after work/school. They all crush the mess and clean the house as quickly as possible, and then order pizza. Every Friday.

 

Hire out what you can. My kids are running a "lawn service" this summer and I have them asking moms with littles if they need the service. I hired it when the kids were little, and I actually like mowing the lawn. For me it was 45 minutes with a radio and white noise. I was good with it. But, it was just nuts sometimes and I was happy to pay the teen down the street.

 

Enforce bed time and wake times. You need the quiet after 8. Really. I always joke with my kids that I am an awesome mom...until 8. Now that they're teens they laugh about it. Quiet time was critical when homeschooling. 1-3ish every day. I would nap, chill, etc. Kids would nap...then read (we had a "books or bed" policy for years), then they could finish schoolwork and piano, then read. It was a serious life saver.

 

Saturdays in my house is chill. Kids are on their own with tv cartoons and bad cereal until noon. Then, they're all mine. Bigger chores, weekly clean up, yard chores, etc. No whining allowed. I can sleep in if I want, or chill. Kids love it (when it actually works out - it works out to a max of 2 Saturdays a month in reality).

 

I try to cook for Sunday on Saturday. After church we can just eat leftovers. It makes life much easier.

 

We use google hangouts, phone calls, and text to keep in touch. Kids can send stuff any time. We pray for dad, do fun things for his return, and include him in all we can from home (pictures, videos, etc.).

 

Bigger maintenance, cars, etc. we deal with when he's home. Sometimes I have to deal, but I avoid that stuff like the plague.

Edited April 6, 2016 by FriedClams

[redsquirrel]

My friend's husband had an around the clock job and he would never even try for things like holidays off, even when he had seniority.

Finally she told him that she was never counting on him being there. Not for picking up kids, not for the lawn, not for thanksgiving. She had 4 kids

 

It wasn't easy but she managed. And when she stopped assuming he'd be there for birthdays and other things, she felt better. She even planned vacations without him. He knew about it and he could ask for the time or not.

When he's around he's the best, but he's not around much.

[QueenCat]

If you can, start hiring help. You need a babysitter and a lawn service for starters.

 

Dh used to work a lot, and the lawn service was pretty much non-negotiable. I would trade babysitting with friends when money was tight. I would hire out when it wasn't.

 

 

:iagree: Yes, HIRE a lawn service. That ensures that when he's home, he's not doing the lawn. And you shouldn't be doing that on top of everything else. If he's not home in the evenings, schedule a sitter on a regular basis so you get some sanity time.

[EmmaNZ]

I got myself a housekeeper - somebody to clean the oven, put away the clothes, tidy the toys etc.

 

I plan ahead (months in advance!) if I want him to be somewhere in particular on a weekend. Then I block out his calendar!

 

Weekdays, I plan for doing almost everything myself with the kids. Even if he happens to be home, he will be on the phone or the computer. 

 

Not sure how old your kids are, but things have become easier recently with having all the children potty trained, and the eldest able to stay at home for short periods alone.

 

The other thing that has helped here is prioritising my relationship with DH. If we feel 'bonded' then I am less likely to feel hard-done-by!!

[Tsuga]

I've been a military wife, a full time outside the home working mom, a WAHM, and WFHM. 

 

"I have tried framing it that he works hard so I can stay home."

 

That's not really just framing. That's actually how it is. My partner could go into management and I could stay home. We don't do that so he isn't under that pressure. It's not like this is a favor to you. It's a joint decision and I think taking ownership of that makes it less a framing question and more of a responsibility question. These are your responsibilities and it's okay to get frustrated, but own this choice. "I'm frustrated because this is work and work is hard. That's why it's work."

 

For a man who works outside the home, putting work first IS putting family first. You think he wouldn't rather be doing a more fun job and working less? Of course. But he sees his responsibility to family as making sure you do not have to work. That's huge. He is putting family first.

 

As for help, yes. Nearly every middle-class family I know hires babysitters, lawn services, etc. when needed. With SAHMs they hire these less frequently but it happens.

 

If your husband is working a low-paid job, then I can see him maxing out hours and you not wanting to spend that on help. However, if he's working a management position, then I strongly consider that you mention that you're going to hire a sitter occasionally to help get things organized so he doesn't have to leave work and can get home earlier, and hopefully he will support that decision.

 

I know it's hard to be alone but that's what the SAHM life is like, in my experience. It's a rare family that gets it all, husband working short hours, wife at home, and then you have everything you need, food, shelter, etc.

[EmseB]

I've been a military wife, a full time outside the home working mom, a WAHM, and WFHM.

 

"I have tried framing it that he works hard so I can stay home."

 

That's not really just framing. That's actually how it is. My partner could go into management and I could stay home. We don't do that so he isn't under that pressure. It's not like this is a favor to you. It's a joint decision and I think taking ownership of that makes it less a framing question and more of a responsibility question. These are your responsibilities and it's okay to get frustrated, but own this choice. "I'm frustrated because this is work and work is hard. That's why it's work."

 

For a man who works outside the home, putting work first IS putting family first. You think he wouldn't rather be doing a more fun job and working less? Of course. But he sees his responsibility to family as making sure you do not have to work. That's huge. He is putting family first.

 

As for help, yes. Nearly every middle-class family I know hires babysitters, lawn services, etc. when needed. With SAHMs they hire these less frequently but it happens.

 

If your husband is working a low-paid job, then I can see him maxing out hours and you not wanting to spend that on help. However, if he's working a management position, then I strongly consider that you mention that you're going to hire a sitter occasionally to help get things organized so he doesn't have to leave work and can get home earlier, and hopefully he will support that decision.

 

I know it's hard to be alone but that's what the SAHM life is like, in my experience. It's a rare family that gets it all, husband working short hours, wife at home, and then you have everything you need, food, shelter, etc.

I get all of this, but I think with the bolded, there are workaholic situations where one partner really does end up working too much and not to the betterment of the family or to support the family. I don't know if that is the OP's situation, but it's not always just as simple as a spouse being supportive by working outside the home. Edited April 6, 2016 by JodiSue

[lovinmyboys]

Yeah, I don't know what the definition of a workaholic is. In dh's case, he loves his job. It is his dream job. Now, he would definitely say he loves his family more. He makes a decent living (enough for us to have a middle class lifestyle on one income and I know that is rare). We really are lucky so I hate to complain.

 

It isn't the extra work I have to do that bugs me (although who likes work). It is figuring out the logistics of raising 4 boys age 4-9 without much help. I don't know-I just feel like I am not keeping up right now. Maybe it is baseball season that is getting to me. I could really use a chauffeur 😀. As the kids get older, I feel like they notice he is gone more and that is hard for me.

 

He also is in the military reserves and that takes time away from his civilian job. He then feels like he has to make up that time and doesn't ever want to take other time off. I would *love* for him to be able to get out of the reserves, but that isn't happening.

 

He is on salary, so sometimes I feel like all the extra hours just cost money because we hire things out. I guess ideally one day he will get promoted if he does well now.

Edited April 6, 2016 by lovinmyboys

[6packofun]

We haven't been in this position for a long time.  But when we were, dh was gone during the week and home only on weekends, including during pregnancy #5.  I think that underlying the dissatisfaction for many women is the feeling that not only is the husband not physically present, but the family doesn't feel like a priority in his life, either.  This makes a tough situation worse and I think a lot of wives shy away from complaining about a dh working hard because they're grateful. Yet that gratitude doesn't lessen the unhappiness they have with the marriage and family life--rightfully so if a dh can't contribute emotionally to his family!  I think about the families who are able to have kids in public school and have tons of activities and homework.  There is a LOT of time apart and yet many of them make it work by placing a HIGH value on the time they do have together.  Lots of husbands DO give their best at work and give the leftovers to their families.  That is a problem and the one that needs to be addressed even more than the math of home vs. work time, IMO.  A wife can only work on a one-sided marriage so long, honestly.  This thread made me a bit sad to see how wives just sort of move on emotionally from their husbands in a way.  (Forgive me anyone who feels that's a wrong assessment; it's just what it looks like from the outside but also what *I* felt as well!)

[Lady Marmalade]

Yeah, I don't know what the definition of a workaholic is. In dh's case, he loves his job. It is his dream job. Now, he would definitely say he loves his family more. He makes a decent living (enough for us to have a middle class lifestyle on one income and I know that is rare). We really are lucky so I hate to complain.

 

It isn't the extra work I have to do that bugs me (although who likes work). It is figuring out the logistics of raising 4 boys age 4-9 without much help. I don't know-I just feel like I am not keeping up right now. Maybe it is baseball season that is getting to me. I could really use a chauffeur 😀. As the kids get older, I feel like they notice he is gone more and that is hard for me.

 

He also is in the military reserves and that takes time away from his civilian job. He then feels like he has to make up that time and doesn't ever want to take other time off. I would *love* for him to be able to get out of the reserves, but that isn't happening.

 

He is on salary, so sometimes I feel like all the extra hours just cost money because we hire things out. I guess ideally one day he will get promoted if he does well now.

 

 

Chin up!  You CAN do this, you really can.  It was very empowering the day I decided to stop waiting for my DH to be home to do stuff.  My parents were going on a camping trip a few hours away and casually asked if I wanted to bring the kids up for a few days.  I am pretty sure I snorted in response, like DH was going to be able to take time off to go camping.  And then the light bulb went on.  Very quickly I packed myself and the two kids up for a camping trip!  DS was only 6 months old at the time,but by golly, I NEEDED to get out.  I needed it SO much more than I knew.  We had an absolute blast camping for those few days.  It helped that my parents were there also, but from that moment on, I stopped waiting for DH.  Now 12 years later I'm traveling across the country for our dance nationals with my kids without DH!  

 

I bolded the above, because I wonder if there are other options for baseball for your guys?  Can you move one or two of them around so that they are at baseball at the same time?  Are there other parents who would be willing to trade off carpool duties?  I understand that pee-wee sports like baseball and soccer can be so draining sometimes, but maybe there is a league or rec program in the area that would do a better job of combining ages so that you aren't running around quite as much. 

[monstermama]

I have tried framing it that he works hard so I can stay home. I don't provide any income, so I know that is a lot on his shoulders. But I still sometimes (like today!) get so frustrated.

 

In our case, at least, it goes both ways.  My being home with the kids allows him to be more flexible, so he can fly out for a customer meeting with one day's notice or stay late if a problem crops up.  It's not so easy for the coworkers whose spouse also works or the single dad.  It's led to a lot of recognition and opportunities for DH that he wouldn't otherwise have had.  Framing it more as "I stay home so he can work harder" feels more positive, to me at least, than "he works hard so I can stay home."

 

The unpredictability of it is what's so frustrating for me.  With a 3yo and a baby, running errands during the day is hard, so a lot of that's been pushed to the evenings when he's home, but he often never knows when he'll leave work until he's getting in the car.  I order a lot of stuff online and have groceries delivered.  I'm still working on the how to cook dinner while dealing with a cranky baby and keeping the preschooler from trashing the house....

[shawthorne44]

Besides long and unpredictable work hours when dh was active duty in the military, I've also been a "single parent" during deployments and other temporary duties. Right now Iam "single parenting" again while we are living apart as dh works in another location. Since September, I've been more-or-less on my own, and will continue to be until this summer.

 

It is what it is. I don't fantasize about it being different. It just is. I carry on without him, consulting him for major decisions, carrying on alone with minor decisions.

 

I do hire out what I can. I've had a semi-monthly housekeeper for forever. I've hired out car maintenence and snow removal. I generally don't hire our lawn service because I have a bunch of boys who can do that for me, although I did hire it out when they were all younger. And when my kids were 11, 11, 9, 7, 3 & 1, I hired a mother's helper to play with the little ones while I homeschooled the older ones.

 

It was harder and more taxing on my sanity when they were younger. It's not quite so bad nowadays.

 

The "single-parent" due to active-duty was what I kept in mind during my short-stints with DH away.   In our case, I was working a M-F day job while DH was SAH.   Friday around lunch he'd drop DD off at a hourly daycare.   After my work on Friday, I'd pick DD up and then DH would come home before I left for work on Monday morning.  So it was 3 nights and 2 days of just the two of us every week.   It was really hard.   What helped me to keep my sanity was that I knew that Monday evening, we'd be two-parent again and that not everyone had that.

[bolt.]

Yes, but some of us see the idea of 'moving on emotionally' from expectations around DH that have no grounds in our actual reality as, quite simply, 'being a grown up'. It's realizing that the world isn't likely change so that we can make our lives more fulfilling and balanced, so we might as well stop having tantrums and meltdowns about it.

 

Life is simply more pleasant without the regularly scheduled tantrums, meltdowns, and home-made predictable disappointments -- even if it isn't actually any more balanced or fulfilling.

 

There's something to be said for being intentionally emotionally stable through 'moving on'.

[kroe1]

My DH has not had a day off in over 3 years. It is what it is. There is no having to "deal" with it. To me, a DH having an affair, financial crisis, or health crisis is something I would have to deal with.

 

Since I also work long hours out of town, I have a different perspective perhaps. But, the little time I get at home is precious. When I come home to happy faces, cleanliness, and lots of help getting ready for the next trip out, I am very grateful. When I come home to crisis, I just want to turn around and walk back out.

[pinkmint]

I guess how to deal with it all depends on a few things; is DH ok with things as they are? Does he have a choice in the matter? Is there a good trade off? Is the income such that it allows you to do some big things? Is it enough money to comfortably hire out things that you don't want to deal with?

 

None of these things are true in me and DH's case. Not only does he work long hours, but it's unpredictable, last minute, frequent overtime at a job that doesn't pay him enough for us to do anything other than live a little further from the poverty line. The only thing that keeps me going is that DH and I share a hatred of it, and he's trying to get into a different situation, but things aren't easy for us.

 

ETA: the way I deal with it personally is by having low standards, even though I don't like having low standards. Also we have basically zero commitments right now. We do things and go places but it almost always has to be non-committal. When my kids get older things can hopefully get easier. 

Edited April 6, 2016 by pinkmint

[pinkmint]

I can think of a blogger who homeschools has an above average number of children, lives in a big nice house, takes vacations and has time to blog about it all. Her husband seems to be home somehow almost all of the time. I guess some people have hit the jackpot in circumstances that allow them to live the homeschool life that way. I kinda wish the rest of us had time to blog so we could rest assured that's not the norm. I hope it's not anyway. 

[G5052]

I can think of a blogger who homeschools has an above average number of children, lives in a big nice house, takes vacations and has time to blog about it all. Her husband seems to be home somehow almost all of the time. I guess some people have hit the jackpot in circumstances that allow them to live the homeschool life that way. I kinda wish the rest of us had time to blog so we could rest assured that's not the norm. I hope it's not anyway. 

 

LOL. I've always worked and homeschooled too, so our lives are pretty messy on an ongoing basis. During my peak work periods, we eat a lot of frozen pizzas and pancakes.

 

I can't imagine blogging about all of it. Who would care anyway? Readers of blogs want pretty houses and lovely meals. Not here!

[Lady Marmalade]

In our case, at least, it goes both ways.  My being home with the kids allows him to be more flexible, so he can fly out for a customer meeting with one day's notice or stay late if a problem crops up.  It's not so easy for the coworkers whose spouse also works or the single dad.  It's led to a lot of recognition and opportunities for DH that he wouldn't otherwise have had.  Framing it more as "I stay home so he can work harder" feels more positive, to me at least, than "he works hard so I can stay home."

 

The unpredictability of it is what's so frustrating for me.  With a 3yo and a baby, running errands during the day is hard, so a lot of that's been pushed to the evenings when he's home, but he often never knows when he'll leave work until he's getting in the car.  I order a lot of stuff online and have groceries delivered.  I'm still working on the how to cook dinner while dealing with a cranky baby and keeping the preschooler from trashing the house....

 

Oh, yes, this is SO important as well.  Trying to plan DH into everything was stressful on him as well.  Counting on him to pick up a child, for example, wrecks half of his day because he stresses about being late or forgetting.  

 

Planning on doing it all myself allows me to adjust my day accordingly, but then there are the rare time where he is home and available to do some of the running.  He enjoys that a lot because then it's usually just one of the kids and then they get some good one-on-one conversation in during the drive home. 

 

If I really, really need him now, it's less stressful because it hardly ever happens.  We have a day at the end of the month where he is needed to take the kids to one of their competitions. It's on the calendar, and he is reminded of it weekly, so has been able to plan for it.  

[Murphy101]

Lol about the lawn. That is actually what got me today. Dh is out of town and when he left he said don't worry about the lawn because I am not going in to work Friday and I will take care of it then. Thinking he was going to be home Friday I made a dr appointment for myself. I texted him and he said "oh plans change and I do have to work." So now I have to do the lawn (which is not that big of a deal) and cancel my appointment (which is irritating because it is so hard to find a time to go). Oh well.

See now, THAT would tick me off a lot.

 

For most of our marriage my dh has worked long hours and or traveled a lot. So I plan to be solo parenting for the most part. But if HE made a commitment and knew I was expecting it - then I planned for him to keep his word to me.

 

Sure sometimes things do come up and I tried to be understanding about it.

 

But for the most part, if dh said he was going to be home Friday then come heck or high water he was home Friday. This of course meant dh was very careful about saying he could do something too. Bc it's not any more fair to let me down about when he can show up than it would be to do it to his boss or coworkers. If he can keep a plan with them, he can keep one with me.

 

We talk almost everyday on the phone, text multiple times a day sometimes too. I tell him everything the kids are doing so he is kept in the loop on that too. Sometimes he talks to the kids, more often he doesn't. He usually calls after they are in bed bc that's when he is finally away from all work stuff.

[lllll]

nm

Edited April 20, 2016 by _ ?^..

[Spryte]

Haven't read every reply but I'm going to heartily agree with hiring help. Lawn care, weekly housekeeping - at a minimum. Preferably a baby sitter so you get time to yourself once in a while.

 

DH views homeschooling as a full time job, so takes the position that cleaning, lawn care, etc is not my sole responsibility. And he'd prefer to hire out when he can't be home all the time to do it.

 

Like a PP, I insist on dental/medical appts - DH makes the appt because I got sick of rescheduling all the time. With our family's constellation of health issues, DH has to be in attendance either to hear the doc or hang with kids while I listen. Health is where I draw a line and he just makes it happen.

 

DH works from home now, but travels a lot. He's been out of the country more than he's been home so far this year, and that will continue through mid-May. I miss him. Unlike some, it works great when he's home, so there's not much benefit, other than work, to his being gone.

[DesertBlossom]

Besides long and unpredictable work hours when dh was active duty in the military, I've also been a "single parent" during deployments and other temporary duties. Right now Iam "single parenting" again while we are living apart as dh works in another location. Since September, I've been more-or-less on my own, and will continue to be until this summer.

 

It is what it is. I don't fantasize about it being different. It just is. I carry on without him, consulting him for major decisions, carrying on alone with minor decisions.

 

I do hire out what I can. I've had a semi-monthly housekeeper for forever. I've hired out car maintenence and snow removal. I generally don't hire our lawn service because I have a bunch of boys who can do that for me, although I did hire it out when they were all younger. And when my kids were 11, 11, 9, 7, 3 & 1, I hired a mother's helper to play with the little ones while I homeschooled the older ones.

 

It was harder and more taxing on my sanity when they were younger. It's not quite so bad nowadays.

Dh's absences for military training were good for me in the sense that I learned I could do a lot by myself. He works a lot in his civilian job too. It's almost more frustrating when he comes home "late" from his regular job because I've been expecting him and my sanity hinges on him coming home to help. Whereas, when he's gone for weeks or months I just have to suck it up and muscle through. It's almost easier just planning on reinforcements never coming through than waiting for it and being disappointed.

[bolt.]

It's 100x easier planning for "no reinforcements" than being let down after having expected it. Many of my absolute worst parenting moments have happened after that kind of disappointment has hit me (and I didn't make space in my heart for it to be real).

[HS Mom in NC]

My husband has worked from home most of the time for 19 years now, but when he's working, he's working and completely off limits. He typically works 50+ hours a week. There were times he worked on site at 90 hours a week for a few months. He eats lunch and dinner with us most days and reads aloud or plays board games with the kid for an hour in the evening most evenings. I drive to and host things.

 

1. We hire out the yardwork.  The first visit was expensive because they get everything done including trimming trees, bushes and getting rid of weeds in addition to mowing the lawn.  Then they come back every 2 weeks to maintain it for $50 a month.  It's worth it to us. 

 

2. I have lots of activities and other relationships since I don't have wee ones any more.  I go to the symphony (donation optional performances) about once every 6 weeks.  I joined the local quilter's guild that meets 2-3 times a month.  I get together with adult friends for coffee.  I host a once a month finish it up sewing project that includes friends and family. I attend church activities on a biweekly basis. My girls and I camp and hike with my brother's family and some mutual friends. I invite other adult friends to meet me for coffee or lunch or whatever. I left youngest with an older sibling or a relative before they were old enough to entertain themselves at home for a few hours while dad worked from home.

3. My kids have had their out of the house activities and friends.  There was a neighbor kid in our old neighborhood and between us and them we manage to get my youngest and their oldest together once a week during the school year (they ps) and a couple times a week on breaks (we follow the ps schedule to maximize this) even though we moved 8 miles away last summer.  I offer to do the bulk of the driving because if you want it, you have to be willing to do what it takes.  There are other hs friends she plays with in the same area but it's always at their house, so it works out to about once a week.  They also host homeschool art class at their house 2-3 times a month in addition to the weekly playdates. The neighbor kid next door is only 6 and hsed (youngest is 10) but he can play a mean Mario Cart and other video games and she can jump on his trampoline and swim with him for a few hours every now and then. Weekly  Homeschool PE is a 5 minute drive away and we have hsed friends in the area she can get together with at their house or ours. Youngest attends TKD 3 days a week and several TKD social activities throughout the year.

 

4. I'm inspired by single parents.

 

5. Everyone around here has assigned chores starting at age 6.  They're trained in the preschool-K years along side mom. All the household chores are listed and divided up evenly between kids and mom. Everyone (including my very picky about laundry husband) does their own laundry by middle elementary school.

6. I usually meal plan and cook and stick to it because it makes life so much easier, but I also keep frozen meals (some bulk cooked and some processed and prepackaged) for days when I just don't have it in me.  I don't feel guilty about us eating out sometimes too.  If we can afford it, it's perfectly reasonable to do it when I'm tired.

7. I've used screen time strategically as needed.  If I needed a break from the kids and don't have my nearby extended family available to take them for a while, I put on a movie or recorded TV for them and let them eat junk without the slightest bit of guilt.  Since we don't do it all the time I don't have to feel guilty when we DO do it. 

8. Scheduled Quiet Time our friend.  There are times I've given the kids a snack and drink and told them to find something to do in their rooms for a couple of hours so I didn't strangle anyone.

 

It's easier as the kids get older. My teens have a debt card linked to our account so they can run errands for me including grocery shopping.

While more one on one time with my husband would be nice, I'm not the kind of person who thinks it's critical. The idea that married people should be each other's best friend or that emotional romance is the norm isn't something I agree with-it's a very new notion in human history and if your relationship works that way and you're fine with it, great! But it doesn't have to be that way.  You can both choose to be fine with having less interaction with your spouse and less regular emotional intimacy when one of you works crazy hours. 

 

[MotherGoose]

I hope that long work hours for dh means that he makes a pretty good salary.  I have a dh who works a lot, and like others said, would work long hours no matter what.  I've begrudgingly accepted it.  Actually it's gotten better over the years.  But that good salary has bought us a housecleaner 2x a month, and someone to mow the grass.  I also quit spending time clipping coupons or shopping around for sales/bargains (I used to peruse the grocery ads and match up coupons every week and go to certain stores, now I just go to the store and get what we need).  That helps a lot.  When he would not commit to being able to babysit the kids so I could get away, I'd hire a babysitter (or tell him if he couldn't commit by x date then I was calling a sitter).  I accepted that I couldn't always rely on him and made back up plans.  HE wasn't going to change, so I could fight it and make us both miserable, or adapt.  

[Murphy101]

I think there are two different issues being mixed here.

 

How to cope with a dh's work that takes him from the family very often.

 

How to handle having a dh that you can't count on.

 

Those are NOT the same thing.

 

When I genuinely NEED my dh he is here fully and ready to do everything he can. And when he is not at work that also applies bc he tends to feel he has a lot to make up for from being gone so much.

 

When he says he will do something, he almost always does it.

 

And if he can't do something I'm struggling with and we can afford it, he will be the first to say hire it out if possible.

 

If I told my dh I couldn't count on him anymore and had given up on ever having a dh I could count on - he'd quit that day.

 

A big point of earning a living is to support the family and in OUR definition it wouldn't be doing that any more if either of us started to feel that way.

 

I think the OP needs to decide which problem she has and talk to her husband. When I explained I didn't need him promising the moon only to disappoint and that I expected him to value keeping his obligations to us just as much as he does to work - it went a very long way towards improving how we both coped with his lengthy times away from us for work.

[bolt.]

I think there are two different issues being mixed here.

 

How to cope with a dh's work that takes him from the family very often.

 

How to handle having a dh that you can't count on.

 

Those are NOT the same thing.

 

When I genuinely NEED my dh he is here fully and ready to do everything he can. And when he is not at work that also applies bc he tends to feel he has a lot to make up for from being gone so much.

 

When he says he will do something, he almost always does it.

 

And if he can't do something I'm struggling with and we can afford it, he will be the first to say hire it out if possible.

 

If I told my dh I couldn't count on him anymore and had given up on ever having a dh I could count on - he'd quit that day.

 

A big point of earning a living is to support the family and in OUR definition it wouldn't be doing that any more if either of us started to feel that way.

 

I think the OP needs to decide which problem she has and talk to her husband. When I explained I didn't need him promising the moon only to disappoint and that I expected him to value keeping his obligations to us just as much as he does to work - it went a very long way towards improving how we both coped with his lengthy times away from us for work.

I'm not completely sure what two issues you are trying to distinguish here, so I'm trying not to react quite the way these words make me feel. It's an incredibly sensitive topic for me, and maybe I should bow-out because the OP isn't about "work plus intensive illness" or "intensive work because otherwise poverty eats your family alive" or "he actually isn't living where I live" -- but I just need to say really loud and clear that people really do live both of those realities. I live one of them.

 

Your words, "If I told my dh I couldn't count on him anymore and had given up on ever having a dh I could count on - he'd quit that day." Are tremendously painful for all of us who really have (each in our own circumstances) actually had to give up on ever having a DH we could count on.

 

I'm glad, if it came to that (that you couldn't count on him) in your life, and you said so -- something could be changed. It's a privilege you can't seem to imagine. I invite you to imagine not having that privilege. And having to live it anyways. And never being able to say it out loud, because 'making it worse by telling the truth about it' isn't going to help anyone.

 

I comes off a pretty much genuinely grateful that (you think) your life won't come to that -- but, honestly, it's also a bit tactless. You just finished reading about women who have had to give up. It's hard enough without that kind of comment.

 

Every last one of you is only one smudge of bad luck away from finding yourself living with a husband you can't count on, and never will be able count on. I don't wish it on any of you, but it might be worth thinking about a bit more realistically.

[Murphy101]

I can imagine it bc we have had to figure out how to cope when I needed him and he *couldn't* be there bc no we are not living the wealthy life by anyone's standards.

 

A husband who just can't be there is NOT the same as a husband who just won't be there bc he doesn't want to be there. THAT is the difference I was referring to and no one should infer anything more than that.

 

For my dh, my speaking up about how I felt was important bc he honestly didn't know how he was handling things made me feel he didn't WANT to be there for me. Such as promising to do something or take a day off and then deciding not to. Don't make promises he can not keep and keeping the ones he makes has been very important to my still feeling I can count on him.

 

I'm sad to hear that any wife has given up on her husband. But no it's not unrealistic to consider there are two different issues at work and addressing them honestly doesn't have to just make everyone feel worse, sometimes it can make all the difference. Even if the job/home situation can't be changed, feeling we are in it together vs not counting on each other can make all the difference and IF a couple can manage that - I think it's very worth it. If they can't, I think that's terribly sad and they have my greatest sympathy bc it would be heartbreaking and I know very physically difficult to adjust and deal with.

Edited April 7, 2016 by Murphy101

[EmseB]

I'm not completely sure what two issues you are trying to distinguish here, so I'm trying not to react quite the way these words make me feel. It's an incredibly sensitive topic for me, and maybe I should bow-out because the OP isn't about "work plus intensive illness" or "intensive work because otherwise poverty eats your family alive" or "he actually isn't living where I live" -- but I just need to say really loud and clear that people really do live both of those realities. I live one of them.

 

Your words, "If I told my dh I couldn't count on him anymore and had given up on ever having a dh I could count on - he'd quit that day." Are tremendously painful for all of us who really have (each in our own circumstances) actually had to give up on ever having a DH we could count on.

 

I'm glad, if it came to that (that you couldn't count on him) in your life, and you said so -- something could be changed. It's a privilege you can't seem to imagine. I invite you to imagine not having that privilege. And having to live it anyways. And never being able to say it out loud, because 'making it worse by telling the truth about it' isn't going to help anyone.

 

I comes off a pretty much genuinely grateful that (you think) your life won't come to that -- but, honestly, it's also a bit tactless. You just finished reading about women who have had to give up. It's hard enough without that kind of comment.

 

Every last one of you is only one smudge of bad luck away from finding yourself living with a husband you can't count on, and never will be able count on. I don't wish it on any of you, but it might be worth thinking about a bit more realistically.

She doesn't mean medically, I don't think. It's about saying one thing and then not following through. Promising to take care of something and letting it go because keeping a commitment to the family isn't a priority. She's talking about things a person can control and flaking out.

[Murphy101]

She doesn't mean medically, I don't think. It's about saying one thing and then not following through. Promising to take care of something and letting it go because keeping a commitment to the family isn't a priority. She's talking about things a person can control and flaking out.

Very much that.

 

Though given how often I've been in and out of hospitals due to hypermesis and dh still needed to hold down a job, yeah I know taking care of kids and house while being really sick and on my own is no picnic either. There's so much we couldn't control but that meant the things we could control really mattered in how we handled them and made all the difference in how well (or not) we coped with the things we couldn't change.

[Rachel]

I don't have time to read all the responses right now, but I feel for you. My husband works a lot and frequently travels, often at last minute. He is successful and part of why he is, is because I don't work. If I worked, he couldn't be as flexible.

 

For the most part I plan my days as if he isn't going to be there. For a year every Monday night and Saturday morning I went to spin class. If he was home, he watched kids, if he wasn't they went to the gym childcare. I plan appointments assuming he isn't available and then am pleasantly surprised he can help out. His travel is always heavier when a project kicks off and wraps up, so when he's going through a heavy travel period, I plan a night to meet friends or a morning just to be kid free.

 

He had a project that was going really poorly a couple years ago that was causing him to work pretty much constantly. He was traveling frequently to appease a client, often last minute. There were lots of phone calls and emails to the point he was spending 4-5 hours a night just on responding to email. I finally politely but firmly put my foot down. He was super stressed to the point it was causing me to have insomnia. I said we needed some ground rules to make things better. I wanted at least 24 hour notice if he was gone overnight and I preferred him not being gone more than 2-3 days at a time. We also agreed on no email or work calls from the time he got home until the kids were in bed. We got through that project and then renegotiated so that he was able to do what he needed to for work without me feeling like I had too much home responsibility. The no calls or email until the kids are in bed has pretty much become a permanent rule. When he is in town, he does his best to be home in time for supper then handles bedtime. This works with his particular job and for us. I guess it just helped to lay out what was stressing me out and then coming up with some solutions to make it easier. That will look different in every family.

 

Good luck!

[MomatHWTK]

1. Realize for that the primary bread winner, working is putting family first.

2. Don't buy the hype that your kids have to go everywhere and do everything.

3. Set your lifestyle to suit your circumstances instead of hoping for circumstances that support the lifestyle to wish you had.

4. Don't make the provider feel that what he is doing. He earns what he cans, spreads himself as much as he can, give him credit for doing his best.

 

 

ETA: My DH has zero choice in the hours he works, including overtime. The best he can do is use family (sick) leave or personal leave time when absolutely necessary. 

 

Edited April 7, 2016 by MomatHWTK